


Mass Effect - The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars

by MizDirected



Series: Mass Effect - Machinations Cycle [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, F/M, Multi, Romance, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2017-12-25 11:43:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 308,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizDirected/pseuds/MizDirected
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard destroyed the Reapers, bought everyone a future by paying a terrible price.  Shepard and Garrus just want to carve a little peace and happiness out of the ruins of the Reaper War. Despite the rise of a more unified galaxy, an old enemy intends to ensure that Shepard knows anything but peace.  There's no statute of limitations on revenge.  COMPLETE</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before the battle for Earth.

He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in tight. Nuzzling her brow, he let his eyes slip closed, using his mouth to see her. Caressing her skin, he relished every subtle flaw. Her scent filled him as if, for those precious few moments, she poured into all the empty places, infusing 'what could be' and 'what never was' with 'what is'. Now, after making love, the intoxicating animal scents of sweat and desire laced through the rest, teasing every nerve ending with the memory of her touch.

Moving against him softly, she stirred in her sleep. He nipped her earlobe. "You can't sleep yet."

Smiling, she reached up to caress his face, her fingertips trickling over him like warm, late summer rain. "Garrus?"

"Mmmm?" He pressed his hand against her belly, pulling her into him, and slid his mouth across her shoulder, his tongue savouring the brine of her exertion even as her body still pulsed slowly with pleasure. Muscles rippled like waves under his talons while his thumb drew slow arcs around her navel, teasing her skin into gooseflesh. Spirits, he loved when it did that.

"It's my body's way of saying it likes you touching it," she'd whispered against his neck their first night together.

"My people have a saying that when we die, our life flashes before our eyes." Leaning up on her elbow, she looked into his eyes, those emerald depths flashing with hope. She behaved most like a girl just after making love, happy and glowing, but he felt the weight and sadness lurking just beneath even then. "Do you think, maybe, in that moment, we have a chance to see ahead as well as behind? Do you think it lets us see what might have been?"

He shook his head, sighing. Long talons brushed through her hair, playing with the short, silken curls. "I don't know. Maybe." He dropped his mandibles in a turian frown. "Might be sad ... to see all the 'what could have beens'. Let’s just forget dying and stay in this moment as long as we can." He closed his eyes again and brushed his mouth along her cheekbone to the cool, soft tip of her nose.

"Mmm, I love it when you touch me like that." A soft, wavering sigh escaped her lips.

"Like what?" Subtle, Vakarian, but the other subject sat uncomfortably close for the night before battle. For now, he needed Earth and all its terrible possibilities to stay outside the door, far away from the warmth and comfort of the woman wrapped around him, legs and arms entwined with his.

She smiled and kissed him, dragging her bottom lip from his mouth to his nose and then his brow. "Like someone putting a piece of chocolate in their mouth and just letting it melt." Lacing her fingers with his, she pulled his arm around her.

His mandibles spread and fluttered hard at that. "I like that," he whispered. "An apt analogy."

"Mmmm..." She stretched long and slow, running the pad of her foot up his leg to his spur, teasing the nerve endings there. "I think it would be nice," she whispered. Soft, moist lips kissed his neck, starting near his cowl, following the hollow of his throat. She nipped him, grinning when he rumbled deep in his throat. Her tongue flicked out under his jaw, kissing and teasing.

"What would be nice, my love?" He froze, the words slipping out through the wall so carefully constructed. Damn, he always made sure not to say those things first.

Instead of pulling away, instead of giving him that look, she smiled and curled in tight against him. "A chance to see that life, even if just for a second…." She paused, and he could feel the heat of her breath on his mandible as she caressed it with her lips, making her way to his mouth. Kissing him again, she whispered, "My love."

He growled low in his throat as her tongue teased his. He pulled back a little. "How about we just get rid of the Reapers and live it. Deal?"

She leaned up, crawling up his body, low enough that her breasts pressed against him. He slid his hands up her sides, following the map of scars and freckles by memory to all the places that made her sigh and smile, that slightly wanton, hungry smile reserved only for him. Dragging her leg over him, slow and lazy, she straddled his thighs. Biting the corner of her lip, she moved over him, teasing, then laughing bright and loud when he couldn't stand it any longer and grabbed her in his arms.

"Deal!" she gasped, her hands reaching up to clutch his. Her fingers spread then clutched his in rhythm with his hips, her head thrown back, mouth open, back arched.

He watched, in awe of her beauty, of the passion that radiated from every cell when she finally dropped her shields, letting him in. She was a praela, a goddess, and he couldn't take his eyes off her.

Looking down at him, she smiled, running her bottom lip between her teeth as she bent to press her mouth against his cheek, panting hard and lusty. She tilted her head, opening her neck to him.

He chuckled and ran his teeth over the skin, nipping lightly, then harder as she pressed into him, moaning low and heavy, deep in her throat. Each panting breath came faster, more shallow, then she arched hard into him, turning to kiss his face. Lips like dew covered leaves teased and sucked, tongue dancing across his skin.

His eyes slipped closed, her scent, her sweat dripping onto his skin, the pulse of her muscles, wrapping him in a cocoon where nothing existed outside of her. He laid her hands against his chest, sliding his talons up her arms and across her shoulder blades, pulling her into him as for one brief moment, he felt the barriers of flesh and bone dissolve, allowing them to pour into one another. One perfect second, like light glistening through a raindrop before it fell from the leaf, immortal as it spun, making love to the air before embracing the earth.

"Mmmm." Shepard sighed, wrapping herself around him as he turned onto his side. "God, that was …. " She chuckled. "Mmmmm. It was as perfect as I could have wished for, but we really need to get some sleep."

He nuzzled her ear and rumbled as her fingertips stroked the hollow of his pelvis and the inside of his thigh. "Then you might need to stop doing that."

"Mmm, no, I'm afraid I can't do that."

They lapsed into a sated and sleepy silence, the rhythm of her hand easing him toward sleep. Just as he began to doze, he heard her question play through his mind. "Why did you ask about seeing your life flash in front of your eyes, Shepard?"

Curling into him, she kissed his chin. "Because it's been a beautiful dream."

He scowled and leaned up, the moment shattering. "What do you mean?"

Gentle, loving fingers reached out to caress his scars. "I never landed, Garrus. Tomorrow, I think I will. I've felt it for days now. Tomorrow, my long fall ends."

He sat up. "Landed? Long fall? What? Shepard, you're not making sense."

"On Alchera."

Her words splashed against him, a bucket of ice water on heated skin. He reached out, pulling her into his arms, cradling her against him. How had he not seen this? How had he not realized in all this time? "You still think you're falling?"

"I have to be." She smiled. "They said I died, that Cerberus somehow spliced all my bits together, but how?" Shepard wrapped her arms around him. "No. People don't just blink on and off like light bulbs, Garrus. If I'd died, I would have gone somewhere or just blinked off. Come on, let's get some sleep."

He hugged her tighter and buried his face in her neck. "No, Shepard. No. Why haven't you said anything about this?" He had to force the words out, taking deep breaths between to relax his throat, a cancerous tumour of sorrow growing there. "Spirits, Shepard. You're not still falling. I don't know why you don't remember anything. Maybe you stuck around. Hell knows you're stubborn enough." He pressed his forehead to hers. "You're alive. You're here, with me."

She smiled and reached up to touch his scars. "We need to sleep." She kissed him and wriggled from his arms, feet padding on the deck plating, hips swinging softly as she crossed the floor and climbed the stairs. Stopping at the top, she turned back, watching him for a moment before a gentle smile crossed her face.

"If you're right, tomorrow is my last hopeless battle. I'll tell the Alliance that I'm done, and we'll leave death behind." She lifted her fingers to her lips and blew him a kiss. "Deal?"

"Deal."

He watched her disappear behind the door, a slow, sad terror creeping through his veins. How had he not seen it?


	2. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She'd promised him that they'd see it through to the end together. She lied.

**October 12, 2186**

_Garrus gently pushed Shepard back until she was laying on the floor of the holoroom, and leaned over her, exploring her face and neck with gentle talons, his eyes locked on hers. She reached up, taking his face between her hands, her thumbs brushing along his cheekbones._

_"Some day, I'm going to lay you down in the grass in this very spot on Palaven and make love to you with the moons high overhead, the wind tickling the grass against your skin." He pressed his mouth to hers, brushing his tough hide against the moist softness of her lips. Impossibly malleable, their caresses heated him through, pouring fuel onto the fire until he could barely form thought._

_"Mmmm." She lifted into him, returning his kiss. "Thank you for bringing me here, Garrus."_

_He nuzzled her face and neck in his closest approximation to soft but passionate kisses. Spirits, he loved the way she smelled. Floral and spice, but something else as well . . . something solid, as if the earth and sky, wind and rain dwelled within her. "Promise me something, Shepard," he whispered, turning his face into her neck as he breathed her in. "We finish this thing together, right to the end."_

_"Right to the end."_

Garrus woke, but kept his eyes closed tight, not trying to remain asleep, but clinging to the illusion of Shepard pressed in tight against him, his arms holding her, her hair tickling his cheek, her breath soft against his neck. It lasted for a breath or two before it shattered, leaving behind only the scent of her on his pillow. 

A low, guttural moan spooled out of him as she vanished. Again and again, each of the last fourteen or fifteen mornings. Every day, she left him behind again. Every day, she died on him again. Soon, every last vestige of her would disappear, and then what? There was no Vakarian without Shepard. He shook that thought out of his head and sat up, talons reaching for the small frame on the edge of his console even before his feet hit the floor.

He held it for a moment, unable to look at it and face the reality that it was the only way he'd ever see her face again. Too bad he couldn't seem to put it down either. He tucked it into its spot in his armour and looked down the length of the forward battery. The silence screamed back at him with the voices of a thousand memories. 

_“I guess that’s what love does. Turns a guy like me into a nervous wreck—”_

Damn it. At that rate, he’d never be able to set foot in the captain's cabin.

He started as knuckles banged on the door then glanced at his chrono. Twenty minutes late.   
Whose sad eyes and sympathetic grimace had been sent to make sure he still drew breath that morning? Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself for the day ahead. "Yes?"

The door opened, and Liara stepped through. "Good morning."

"You don't need to keep checking up on me, Liara. I'm fine." He regretted the sharp edge even as it flew out of the scabbard. He saw it draw blood.

She stared at him for a second, almost as if trying to decide if she still considered him worth trying to reach. Apparently, she decided yes, since she sat on the crate at his workbench. "You don't leave us much choice. No one sees you unless you're working, and then they're all afraid to say anything to make matters worse. They're worried about you, they miss her, and they need to feel that someone is holding the reins.” She stared down at the small package she worried between her hands. “You can't spend the rest of the time before we return to Earth locked in here alone."

He shook his head. Why didn’t they understand that he possessed nothing to give them? Everything that made up Garrus Vakarian followed Shepard onto the Crucible. Only his shell remained, stubbornly refusing to stop breathing so that the two of them could finally know some peace.

"I've been going through her logs." The asari smiled sadly. "Probably more as a way to keep her close, than anything. It's good to hear her voice." She sighed, the sound musical as it echoed along the length of the battery. "Anyway, a couple of days ago, I found mention of this." Liara held out the package. "I didn't know if giving it to you would help or hurt, so I've just been hanging onto it."

He stared at it, suspiciously. "What is it?" Of course he knew what it was. Some sort of goodbye. Shepard reaching out from beyond the grave to comfort him. He didn’t want comfort. He wanted her. Or at the very least, oblivion.

Liara thrust it at him again. "I don't know. There was just a note in her log on where to find it and to make sure it was given to you." 

He stared at it, but didn't reach out to take it from the delicate blue hand. Did Shepard know how that envelope would accuse him? Did she understand how its very presence would cut into him, slicing him open with the fact that he’d failed at the only task that meant a damn to him in the entire fucking galaxy? He wanted to tear it from Liara’s hand and shred it, then space the pieces. He wanted to scream until someone explained to him why. After everything they’d done for the galaxy, why couldn’t they have just had the chance to set war aside and grow old together?

Instead, he asked, "Was she so exhausted, so worn down by the responsibility and the weight of the entire galaxy, so beaten up by the endless body count, that she went to the Citadel never intending to come back?" He looked up, meeting the asari's eyes for a moment, then shook his head, his gaze dropping to the floor. Guilt punched holes through him as his mind threw up memories of every moment he’d seen Shepard struggling to carry her burden. He could have and should have done so much more to help her. "I saw it. Every day I watched her shoulders bow a little more under the weight until I thought it would crush her."

Liara sighed, narrow shoulders rising and falling in an elegant wave. She stared at him, her big, watery, blue eyes like lasers burning a hole straight to his core. "I don't know if in the end it was too much, but I do know that she was looking forward to a life after."

"Was she? Didn't you feel it, those last couple of days ... at the party ... just before we came back to the _Normandy_? She was saying goodbye. I think she knew that whatever happened, she wouldn't be coming back." That morning, she’d awoken in his arms then disappeared, and when he found her standing in the dock, staring out at her ship . . .. Looking back, he knew that she’d already said goodbye to him. To all of them. 

"You may not have seen this," Liara said, pulling him out of the past. Her eyes looked past him to search beyond the hull of their ship as she continued, "You weren't on the outside looking in. Whenever Shepard walked into a room, she scanned everyone there, looking for you. Once she found you, she had eyes for no one else. She watched you with a ... " She shrugged, struggling to find the word. "... wonder, that made me a little jealous, actually. It was as though if she looked away, she wouldn't be able to believe that she'd found something so rare and beautiful." She placed the envelope in his hand, holding his talons closed around it. "She didn't take that beam to the Citadel to save the galaxy. That was there, of course, everyone counting on her for their future, but in the end, she did it because if she didn't, there was no future with you."

Liara patted his hand and then stood. "Dr. Chakwas asked me to tell you that if you don't make an appearance in medbay before noon, she’s hiring a goon squad to drag you in. Also, Traynor figures that they should have the QEC back up some time today. It would be nice to know that we're not alone out here."

She stepped to the door, but then turned and laid her hand on his shoulder. "I hope whatever is in that package gives you some peace. Shepard would have died for anyone, but she would have lived for you, Garrus."

He shrugged off her sympathy. He didn’t want to be coddled. "I'll be out in a few minutes."

She smiled. "Good. There was a reason Shepard asked you to take her place if she fell. The crew is looking to you now, just as she did." She hesitated, then sat back down.

Crap, there it was. He looked up at her, mandibles dropping, a bone weary sigh escaping. "What, Liara?"

"We're worried about you, Garrus." She worked at her lip for a moment, managing to look both awkward and frightened. "Some of the crew… ." She stopped again. "We're worried that we'll come in here one morning … ."

He shook his head. No, he didn’t have the closure he needed to do anything final. If she was alive out there, somewhere ... . No, he couldn’t be that selfish. He couldn’t leave her behind, alone. "I have to find her, Liara. Don't worry. I'll get us back to the Citadel since Alenko has decided that 'major' translates to 'cadet' in his case."

"And then?" The whites of her eyes turned glassy, shading lavender as the blood flooded the tiny vessels.

Looking away from those wells of fear and expectation, he took a deep breath. It tasted like Shepard’s skin, her scent rising thick and beautiful off the damned envelope. Where had she kept it? The empty chasm inside him yawned, baring its teeth, and when he spoke he nearly choked on the words, "She promised me that I'd never be alone. I don't intend to be."

"Garrus … ."

"I'm fine, Liara." He jerked his head toward the door, willing her to leave so he could throw the envelope and the ghosts hovering around it as far away as possible. "I said I'll be out. I will be."

When the door shut behind Liara, Garrus looked down at the package in his hand. He made no move to throw it or open it, just letting it lie like an offering on his open palms. What if the memento that she’d left him severed the last threads of living connection between them? She’d already died on him once so far that day. How many more could he take? 

“Damn.” Whatever piece of her she’d sealed away in that envelope for him won out, and he tore the tab open.

Inside he found a paper folded around a small, hard object. When he unfolded the paper, a ring fell into his hand. It looked like a band of platinum with a strip of gold around the center. A simple, sturdy chain had been threaded through it, presumably so Shepard could wear it around her neck. It was far too large for her fingers. He closed his hand around it and looked to the paper. It was a letter, written in Shepard's peculiar, slanted script.

_"Dear Garrus,_

_"You're sleeping right now, but with us reaching Earth tomorrow morning, I have too much racing around in my head to join you._

_"Over the past few days, I have experienced several moments where I felt the universe lay a hand on my shoulder and say, 'Stop here, take note of the gift I've given you, and say goodbye.' I believe it's been telling me to make my peace and let go._

_"I feel it in the depths of my bones, Garrus. I'm coming to an ending. I don't know the manner of that ending, I just know that the life I've led up until now will end tomorrow on Earth. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid and sad._

_"When my grandfather died, my father told me that I should never fill my life with things, but pack it as full of loved ones as I could. He was a man of great faith who believed that all we needed to sustain us were the things other people placed in our heart. For a long time, I ignored that advice. However, these past few years on the _Normandy_ , with these crews, with you... I have been blessed beyond measure, and for that I'm very grateful._

_"Just before my father died, he pressed this ring into my hand. It has been passed down through six generations; Shepard fathers giving it to their sons. Although they are a little hard to see now, there are words engraved around the band. Love, loyalty, selflessness. As a child, I asked my grandfather what they meant, and he said it was the recipe for a happy, peaceful and well-lived life._

_"I wore this ring around my neck from the moment my father gave it to me until the night before the Collector Base. I didn't want it being lost out there if the worst came to pass. Then, wonder of wonders, I fell in love with the most remarkable man, and I put it away, saving it. I had hoped to give it to you on the day that we pledged our lives to one another. I hope I still get that chance. If I fall, however, I want to make sure you have it. I know my father will be pleased that it's in your possession. He would have loved you like a son had you ever had the chance to meet. You're everything he said he wanted for me in a mate._

_"I've said goodbye to all the other important people in my life. I need leave them nothing more than the memories we shared. If I fall, those doors will close softly._

_"You however ... well, no matter how much time I'm given to lie in the circle of your arms, to admire your singular beauty and strength, no matter how many beats of my heart course this love through me, it'll never be enough. There will never be enough time nor sufficient words to tell you how much I care, so keep this one small token close to your heart. That's where I'll always live because no matter what lies between us, even death, I can't bear to be parted from you._

_“I know you’re angry with me right now, because if you’re reading this, I’ve broken my promise. I’m sorry, my love, but I can’t be sad at the idea of you still being alive, a whole future full of possibilities ahead of you. So, if you need to be angry, I understand. Just don’t let that anger stop you from living. You deserve to have a full and wonderful life. No one else could have gotten me through the last couple of years, but the time was always coming to put that burden down. Do me a favour. Live brilliantly._

_"I love you, Garrus Vakarian. You're my whole heart. Don't mourn me too long, the crew will need you, and I haven't left you, not really. I never will. Time for me to be your guardian angel as you’ve always been mine. Now, I'm going to return to our bed and curl up in your arms, the only place I've ever felt truly safe._

_"Always yours, always with you."_

He read it through twice, then folded it and placed it in with her picture. He looked down at the ring, turning it over in his hand. She'd meant it to be his wedding ring, as was the human custom. He undid the chain, clasping it around his neck, then dropped it down inside the collar of his armour. She was right. She wasn't gone. In London, she'd promised he'd never be alone. She wouldn't leave him, not Shepard. Shepard was a woman of her word. And in return, he wouldn't give up on her. Not that time.

He stood, folded up his cot and stowed it before heading out.

Liara, James and Kaidan were eating in the mess hall as he stepped out the battery door and strode down the narrow walkway between the sleeper pods. Stopping at the table, he met Liara's quizzical gaze and nodded. The letter had set him solidly on a path, moving him forward. The asari smiled.

"So, are we going to place Shepard's plaque today?" James asked. The question hit him out of the blue, his mandibles dropping before he could tighten the reins on his reactions.

"The crew has been asking when we're going to do that," Kaidan confirmed. He glanced up, eyes snapping back to his hands as they fidgeted with his spoon as if needing to keep something hidden.

Garrus nodded. Should they? Was it fair for him to subject them to his refusal to let her go? Or was it time to give the crew closure, let them focus on the task of getting the _Normandy_ ready to return to Earth? Maybe they did need to look forward with certainty, even if it turned out to be the wrong one. "1300," he said. His voice cracked, but he cleared his throat to cover it.

"We'll spread the word." Kaidan shoved his breakfast around with his spoon.

"Has anyone seen Joker since EDI's funeral?" Garrus asked. He really had kept himself hidden from the crew. Time to fix that and step up. If nothing else, Shepard had taught him how to lead and lead well. He smiled to himself. Yeah, her shoes might be far too large to fill, but he could do his best to take care of her people the way she’d want him to. 

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah, he's been sticking pretty close to the bridge. I'm not sure he's sleeping much, but Tali has been dogging him pretty close."

"Never thought losing something like EDI would … ." James stopped and shook his head.

"Someone like EDI," Liara corrected. "She was a friend, and organic or not, Joker loved her. He needs time." She sighed, her eyes pooling again, and shoved her breakfast away. "Just like the rest of us."

Garrus nodded. "I'll check on him later. The rest of you, duty stations as normal. Let’s get this bird the hell off this rock and get ourselves back to civilization." He turned and crossed the few meters to med bay.

"I was just about to send in the troops," Dr. Chakwas said, turning to greet him. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine. None the worse for being drop kicked by an exploding tank." He did a short inventory, and discovered that he spoke the truth. Physically, all systems had returned to normal.

She scanned him with her omnitool. "Fractures and internal damage all well on the mend. Another couple of days and you'll be right as rain." She leaned against her desk. "What are your plans once we get back to Earth? Are you going to return to help rebuild Palaven?"

"No. I know the Citadel better than most. I'll stay, and help with the clean up."

She nodded, her expression the one of neutral compassion necessary for all medical professionals. "You need to look for her."

"Most of us gave up on her three years ago. Liara didn't and because of that, Shepard came back. I'm not giving up until they show me her body. I owe her that." He took a step toward the door, having said it out loud it suddenly sounded desperate and terrifying. "Thank you, Doctor."

"You're quite welcome, Garrus. Take care." A hand lifted into a half wave as she turned to sit at her desk.

As he passed the table in the mess, a hand reached out and grasped his. "Garrus, I made us something to eat. Sit down for a minute," Tali said.

He opened his mouth to decline, but then his body let out a ferocious growl that reminded him of the irregularity of his eating habits. "Thanks Tali." He glanced around the mess hall, but the other three had flown. "Liara and the others bugged out in a hurry." He sat across from the quarian and looked down at the bowl full of grey, wet, who knew what. He grimaced. "What is this?"

"Porridge. Try it." She chuckled as his face involuntarily screwed up into a nauseated scowl. "Come on, a few grains and nuts once in a while aren't going to kill you."

He picked at it with the spoon, then took a mouthful. After a minor struggle, he swallowed it. "It tastes okay, but you might have noticed, turians don't have teeth made for granular foods." He opened his mouth to demonstrate.

“Gross, Garrus. I don’t want to see that.” She winced and held up a hand, but then shrugged and giggled. "We all have our limitations. Bear yours bravely."

He shook his head at her teasing and wrestled another mouthful. It did taste pretty good, nutty and sweet. "So, how are the repairs coming down in engineering?"

"We're just about ready to test the drive core.” Her narrow shoulders rolled a little, making him smile despite himself. Over the years, she’d become as important to him as Sol. How had he left her alone to deal with losing Shepard for so many days? 

Tali put more porridge through her suit’s filter. “We figure another three days to finish up going through all the electronics replacing everything that got fried. Adams says we'll have her in the air in a week; I'm saying six days, just to be contrary." She chuckled, her head cocking a little, obviously quite proud of herself.

He nodded, glad to hear it. Maybe if he spent more time in engineering helping out, they could shorten that by another day. "Liara said that they'll have the QEC up sometime today."

She nodded. "It will be good to see who's still out there. There has to be people out there, right? We made it, after all." She chuckled, a warm, bright sound. Where did she find it after everything that happened? "As much as I love this crew, I don't think we're exactly a viable genetic base for repopulating the galaxy."

He nodded, a small smile finding its way onto his face. "I'm sure our people are still out there." He finished his mouthful. "Will you return to Rannoch?” As he asked, he looked up, glancing around at the ship. What if they all left once they reached Earth? 

Tali played with her cereal for a minute. "I don't know. The _Normandy_ is my home, but if the Alliance takes it back, I'll have no choice. Garrus, do you think it's possible that Shepard … ." She stopped, the thought unfinished, and looked up at him. "I lost my mother cycles ago, my father before that even though he was still alive. Shepard wasn't just my captain." She sighed and shook her head as her voice broke.

"It is unwise to harbour false hope," Javik said, walking around the divider and heading for the fridge. All four eyes just sort of slid over them before turning back toward his destination. Of course, they should be grateful for even that much notice, considering how far beneath him they all crawled. "All you will gain is disappointment. Better to remain fixed in reality. Honour the commander's sacrifice without clinging to the dead."

Something inside him slammed shut. Garrus stood and picked up his bowl. "Thanks for breakfast, Tali." He headed for the solitude of the forward battery. Javik might be correct, but Garrus didn't know if he could tolerate the Prothean's complete lack of empathy, compassion, or even common courtesy. Not with every last one of his nerves so raw and fragile.

He spent the early morning repairing the _Normandy_ 's weapon systems. A long trip and a lot of uncharted territory laid between them and Earth. Who knew what they might have to fight their way out of. He focused on his work, forcing the sound of Shepard's voice, the scent of her skin, the feel of her touch from his head. Still, every now and again, the backs of her fingers stroked his neck, or he heard her whisper his name through the quiet, and silent tears fell. She'd promised they'd go to the end together, that he'd never be alone, and then she'd sent him away, leaving him to struggle forward on hope. She knew how hard he found hope.

"Garrus?" Traynor's voice came through on his radio.

"Yes, Specialist?" He straightened a little, his back complaining after hours of being trapped in a small space on his hands and knees. Thumping down to sit on the deck plating, he let out a relieved sigh, the knots slowly starting to unravel.

"We did it, sir.” Traynor sound excited enough to climb straight through the radio into his head. “The QEC is up. Admiral Hackett is available and waiting in the war room."

"Excellent work, Traynor. Have Liara and Adams meet us there." He scrambled up and hurried out the door, practically jogging to the elevator. At last, after nearly two weeks marooned, contact with civilization. Answers. Maybe even some about Shepard.

Traynor, Liara, and Adams awaited his arrival, Traynor stepping forward to victoriously connect the comm as he jogged up the stairs.

Admiral Hackett appeared before them, his imposing, rugged figure looking worn and exhausted. Still, he smiled. "Vakarian, Dr T'Soni, it's good to hear from you. We were worried the _Normandy_ hadn't made it." He returned Adam's and Traynor's salutes. "Engineer Adams. Specialist Traynor."

Garrus stepped forward. "The blast knocked the _Normandy_ out of the mass effect corridor, but the crew suffered no losses in the crash. The _Normandy_ took moderate damage, but we began repairs immediately.” He lifted a hand to where Adams and Traynor stood, grinning like fools. “The others will be able to fill you in on the specifics, but they've told me we'll be space worthy in about a week."

"That's excellent news. The surviving fleet rendezvoused at Earth, but supplies were in short supply, so most departed for their homeworlds immediately, except for the quarians. They're still repairing and salvaging ships and plan to head for Rannoch in another couple of weeks."

Liara stepped up beside Garrus. "What of the Citadel, Admiral? Has there been any sign of Shepard?"

Garrus steeled himself against the answer, not even brave enough to ask the question. So much for conviction.

Hackett shook his head. "I'm afraid not. We recovered Admiral Anderson's body a couple of days ago, but we just managed to reconnect the Citadel to London through the beam to start an intensive search and rescue operation. Thousands of workers are scouring the wreckage for survivors, but we are finding very few, and most of them are out at the end of the ward arms, furthest from the blast. There's little hope that Shepard could have survived at its center. I'm sorry."

"And the Reapers?" Garrus asked, focusing on maintaining his good, stoic turian face. Hackett said they’d found Anderson’s body, and he was there with Shepard at the end, but no sign of Shepard. That left a hell of a lot of room for hope.

Hackett’s shoulders popped up and fell back in a small shrug. "Dead. The Crucible fired and they just stopped. The geth fleet did as well, so we have to assume that whatever Shepard did shut down all AI technologies."

"EDI, the _Normandy_ 's AI, died as well," Garrus confirmed.

"It's a damned shame, coming right after making peace with the geth. Well, at least Shepard showed us that it doesn't have to end in war. Next time, we can do better." Hackett shifted from one hip to the other. "I doubt we'll ever know exactly what happened up there, but whatever Shepard did, we owe her our existence."

The others took over the call, bringing the admiral up to speed on their location, supplies, repairs, and estimated time before they could leave for Earth. Garrus stepped back to allow them to conduct their business, holding tight to that thin strand of hope. When they were done, they headed out to their work stations, eager to return to work and get their ship back into space.

"You're commanding the _Normandy_?" Hackett asked Garrus when it was just the two of them.

"Yes Sir, Shepard asked me to step up and look after her people—our people—if anything happened to her."

"Acceptable. The _Normandy_ has never exactly operated within the Alliance's purview. No reason it should start now." Hackett sighed. "Shepard did us all proud. Pulled off the impossible." He looked down, shook his head then cleared his throat.

Garrus nodded. "She excelled at that." He paused. "Have you heard anything from Palaven, Admiral?"

"With dextro supplies so scarce, the primarch set the turian fleet for home just about a week ago, deciding to undertake all but the most essential repairs en route. His flagship just got their QEC operational yesterday. He's been in contact with Palaven, and from what he told me, sounds like it's in about the same shape as Earth. Right now, it's all any of us can do to find enough food, clean water and shelter for our people." He shifted from one hip to the other and crossed his arms. "It's going to be a struggle for all the races to recover, but thanks to Shepard, we've got that chance."

"Yes, sir."

"Keep me apprised of your progress. Get your crew back to Earth, Vakarian. They have a hell of a thank you waiting." Hackett straightened.

Garrus nodded, giving the Admiral a small smile that made it nowhere close to his heart. "I will, sir. Vakarian out." When the admiral disappeared, he staggered forward, bracing himself against the console. No Shepard. He scrambled to find the end of his hope lifeline again. No body meant hope. “Where are you?” he whispered, shaking his head to clear away the despair. 

At 1300, he steeled himself and headed out to the memorial wall. It amounted to nothing more than a pantomime. He didn’t believe she was dead. The crew just needed closure so they could focus on moving forward. One day soon, he and Shepard would stand and look at that wall, and he’d tell her how he never believed it. One day soon. He wrapped the end of the hope thread around his hand and tied it off so he didn’t drop it again.

Someone had already added Anderson's name. Garrus took a deep breath and looked over at the crew. The team stood in a loose semi-circle around the wall, the crew behind them. Kaidan stood off to one side, his eyes dry but red and swollen. The major clutched Shepard's plaque in his hand, holding it so tightly that his knuckles had gone white. He opened his mouth to say something, then just thrust the plaque at Garrus.

The rest of the crew stared at the floor panels, trying to control their grief and hide it. He tried to think of something to say, but came up blank. What there was to say—how much Shepard cared about them and how proud she was to serve with them—they already knew. He turned to the wall, stepped forward and lifted the plaque. He started to set in place, then stopped. 

The conviction he’d felt when he read her letter returned and froze his arms in place. He couldn’t put that plaque up, not for any reason. It was a lie. The thread transformed into a reinforced cable.

His mandibles fluttered as the absolute certainty settled into his gut. Shepard wasn't dead. He stepped back and turned to face them.

"She isn't dead." He held the plaque out to Kaidan, who just stared at it. “I can’t put that up.” 

All eyes snapped to his face, small flickers of hope appearing amidst their grief and doubt as they saw the certainty in his eyes. He took a deep breath and smiled.

"Well then let's get our asses back to Earth," Joker said and limped off toward the bridge.

"Garrus … ." Liara stepped forward. "Admiral Hackett … ."

Garrus stepped forward and took her by the shoulders. "He's wrong. I know it as positively as I know you're standing there." He gave her the plaque, and took a deep breath of relief as the weight of sorrow lifted. "Let's get this ship in the black, where it belongs, and go get our captain."


	3. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love if you endure. Life if you endure.

**Time Indeterminate**

Pain. Darkness. Only these things existed in the void that clung to her like a heavy blanket, dragging her down. A siren call from the depths of the void reached out to her, coaxing her to let go and slip into its embrace forever.

"It will all end," the darkness promised. "No more pain. No more fear. Just silence and peace."

Peace.

That one word burned through her thoughts, igniting the center of the darkness as it registered. She winced as it flared like the brightest of suns, then settled into a twinkling diamond amidst the black.

"Peace," the light promised. "There is peace and love beyond the pain, but to find it you must free yourself of this place."

The darkness pulled at her, caressing her with its oaths of rest and oblivion, but that single light held her fast.

"He waits beyond the pain, but you must breathe."

He? She took a single gasp, air burning like molten metal as it stabbed into her lungs. The weight of her chest pressed the breath back out.

"Keep breathing," the light whispered. "He will find you."

Gasp.

"You are alive, and he will find you."

Gasp.

Each breath lasted a second and a lifetime. Inside the tiny light, each was a purpose unto itself. Nothing existed outside the certainty that whatever the light promised would only come to be if she breathed in one more time.

Counted by breaths rather than minutes or hours, days or weeks, time passed, or did not pass, without meaning. Then the universe exploded in a cacophony of glaring light, thunderous sound, and an agony so keen that it drowned out the gentle voice of the light. Each gasping breath ended with a scream that was sucked down into the void. Monsters tore at her, each moment worse than the one before until the pain mocked the thin thread of hope that tied her to the light, threatening to snap it.

"An end to the pain," the darkness swore. "Just let go, let it all go."

"Love if you endure," the light cajoled. "Life if you endure."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**October 12. 2186**

 

"Dear Goddess."

"You find something?"

"Yeah, found another body." An asari in coveralls picked up a chunk of rubble and tossed it into the back of the shuttle. "Are we ever going to stop finding them?"

The other worker, a human dressed in identical coveralls and helmet, shook his head and picked his way over to help. "Not for months, I'd guess. Unless the keepers find them all and melt them down in those vats first. They've been going gangbusters since they reappeared." He touched her arm, stopping her from lifting a large chunk alone. "Mel, let me help. Hate to have you pull something an hour into our shift. I'd be stuck doing this alone."

She chuckled. "You are all heart, Paul. All heart."

He clapped her on the shoulder. "That's me." He crouched and grabbed the other end of the beam, helping wrestle it into the bin. "Come on, let's get this poor soul laid to rest."

Mel sighed and nodded.

The pair dug around the body, clearing away the hundreds of kilos of building materials that buried all but the person's head and upper chest.

"Is it just me, or is it getting easier to breathe up here the last couple of days?" Mel asked, lifting her breather mask to wipe the sweat from her face. She took a couple of breaths. "It has to be, I can breathe just fine unless I'm working."

"It is. I guess the Keepers are repairing the life support equipment." He tossed a chunk of cement into the bin. "I was surprised there was any air here at all after the Crucible fired, but its a damned good thing for the few survivors we've found."

"Dear goddess." The asari reached over and grabbed Paul's arm, making him jump.

"Come on, Mel. What is it now? You use that word way too much."

"It moved."

"What? No way, not after being buried under all this crap for two weeks. You're just spooked, and I don't blame you. This place is creepy as all hell."

"No! Paul, seriously, look. This person is breathing." Mel knelt in the rubble, working faster, but also more carefully.

"Oh my god, you're right."

The pair worked frantically, until Paul gently brushed away the thick layer of small debris coating the body, his action dislodging a set of dog tags. "Hey, Mel, it's an Alliance soldier." He flipped them over, looked at them for a moment, then dropped them like they were hot coals and fell backward.

"Paul?"

"Oh my god, Mel." He looked up, meeting the asari's confused gaze with one of awe. "It's Commander Shepard!"

Mel grasped the tags, read them, then stood, turning toward the rest of their crew, and yelled at the top of her lungs. "Medics! We need medics over here!"

A shuttle flew over, hovering twenty feet away. Mel leaned over the survivor's head, sheltering her from the worse of the dust and small debris the thrusters kicked up. Alliance personnel jumped out and hurried to the woman's side. A medic ran his omnitool over her.

"Second and third degree burns to 58% of her body, multiple fractures, internal bleeding, advanced necrosis of the tissue in her extremities. We need to get her in stasis immediately, and keep her immobile until we can get her to the hospital."

"Internal bleeding?" Mel stepped back to allow the medic room to work. "How could she have survived this long?"

"Pressure of the debris no doubt. She didn't start bleeding until you removed it." He gave her a tight-lipped smile. "You did good work. We'll take it from here."

The two stood back, watching until the survivor was loaded onto the shuttle and took off.

"Come on, Mel," Paul said, putting an arm around her waist. "Let's get back to work."

"Want to go by the hospital after the shift?" she asked, tossing a handful of wiring into the bin.

"Sure. Doubt they'll let us in, but we can always try."

At the end of their shift, the two workers caught a shuttle back to the Alliance base in London and walked the block or so to the hospital. Neither one said much, almost as if by speaking, they'd shatter the bubble of hope they'd discovered in the ruins of the Citadel.

"What can I do for you?" An Alliance soldier asked them at the entrance to the ICU.

"I... um... we're the clean up workers who found the survivor with Commander Shepard's tags," Paul said. "We just wanted to know how she was doing."

The soldier grinned and clapped them both on the shoulder. "You two have given us the first good news since ..." He shook his head. "... God knows when." He nodded toward the door. "Come on, I'll take you in."

The soldier led them through several check points, and up to an older man in an Alliance uniform.

"That's Admiral Hackett," Paul whispered in Mel's ear.

"And that's the Council he's talking to. By the Goddess Paul, we're so ...." Mel stopped and just shrugged.

"Filthy?" he offered and chuckled.

She elbowed him. "Amongst other things."

The soldier waited for a break in the conversation then cleared his throat to get the admiral's attention.

"Yes?" Hackett turned around, his gaze sliding over Mel and Paul with polite interest.

"Admiral. I thought you would want to meet these two people. They're the team who found Commander Shepard."

The admiral smiled and stepped forward. "Admiral Stephen Hackett. It's a pleasure to meet you. We're in your debt."

"Mellena D'Rani," Mel said, shaking his offered hand.

"Paul Meeton, Admiral. It's an honour to meet you."

"How is she, Admiral?" Mel asked. "The way the medic was talking, it didn't sound good."

"We haven't had word yet. You're welcome to wait with us, if you like."

"Thank you, Sir." Mel looked down at herself and chuckled. "Maybe we should get cleaned up a little."

Hackett gave them a warm smile. "Of course." He gestured behind them to point out the washrooms and turned back to his discussion with the Council.

After they washed, Mel and Paul sat in the waiting room, well out of the way of the growing number of important people gathering to see if the rumours were true.

"How do you suppose the Council survived?" Paul asked, leaning over to whisper in Mel's ear.

She shrugged. "I have no clue. A ... what is it your people say? A bargain with the devil?"

Paul chuckled. "I wouldn't be surprised. It's a sad frickin' joke that Cmdr. Shepard's in there fighting for her life, when the people who refused to believe her until the Reapers landed on their asses stand here without a scratch."

An exhausted looking surgeon pushed through a swinging door into the waiting room, politely weaving through the throng that closed around him, all asking questions at once. He made his way through to Hackett, drawing the admiral aside with a hand on his elbow.

"So, Bill," Hackett asked, "is it Shepard?"

The surgeon nodded. "DNA scans confirmed that it is Jane Shepard." He held up a hand to forestall Hackett's reply. "She's in very critical condition, Steven. The rubble pressing down on her kept her from bleeding out, but it also kept blood from reaching her extremities. We went in and repaired her major organs, but if and when we get her stabilized, we'll have to amputate both of her legs to mid thigh and her left arm to the elbow."

Paul saw Hackett stumble a bit under the weight of that news, but the impassive mask of command slipped back almost seamlessly.

"Right now, she's in a profound coma, registering minimal brain activity. Even if we do get her through this, she may never regain consciousness."

Paul looked over at Mel and shook his head.

"She needs to get every chance, Bill," the admiral said. "We don't give up on her, ever. Is that clear? I just finished telling her crew that she's dead. I want to eat those words."

The surgeon gave him a grim smile and nodded. "We'll do everything in our power, and who knows, maybe all that Cerberus tech will help us out. It's certainly the only reason I can see for her still being alive." He clapped the admiral on the shoulder. "I'll keep you informed."

"Thanks Bill." Hackett looked over at Paul and Mel, gave them a tight smile and a nod of his head, then moved on to inform the others as to Shepard's condition.

"Well, let's get back to the barracks, get some chow and sleep." Paul offered Mel his hand, holding hers even after she stood.

"Yeah, we can come by tomorrow after our shift, see if anything has changed." She wrapped an arm around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. "I'm exhausted."

"Been a hell of a day, though, huh?"

She smiled. "Yeah, it sure has."


	4. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the heck did we get thrown? Life in a metal tube. Wait? Is that Earth? Thank goodness.

**December 14. 2186**

"I didn't appreciate the relays nearly enough," Joker sighed. "This sucks."

"Complaining won't make it suck any less," Tali offered from the other seat. "I found the remains of another fuel depot. Entering the coordinates."

"Should have taken us a few hours to get home, but noooooo, the relays all had to get blown to bits. Might as well install cryo units like in the old pre-FTL days and put us all in the frozen food section while we limp our way from star to star."

Tali shrugged. "Well, at least Javik would feel at home."

Joker grinned then glanced over his shoulder at Garrus. "You going as stir crazy as the rest of us?"

The turian nodded. "I'm just glad Tali keeps finding refuelling stations, so I can get out and stretch my legs."

"Can shuffling through debris in mag boots really be called stretching your legs?"

Garrus chuckled. "I'll take what I can get."

"Thank god we have the fastest ship in the galaxy. Another couple of days we'll be to Beckenstein. Then its just a hop, skip, and a few weeks to Earth." Joker sighed. "It's no use, I still miss the relays."

Garrus watched the Normandy's pilot. Although Joker kept a rock solid wall of his usual sarcasm erected around him at all times, the dark circles under his eyes and general pallor spoke to the depth of his continuing grief. Several times Garrus had started to say something, to open some sort of communication between them, but Joker quickly shut him down, claiming not to need bro-mance touchy feely time. With that awkwardness firmly in place, Garrus had left it to Tali and Dr. Chakwas to help Joker come to terms with losing EDI.

**December 17, 2186**

They spent a week on Beckenstein. The planet had been bombarded from space, but like everywhere else, life had found a way. Even before the war ended, they set up tent cities outside the ruins, salvaging everything they could in order to build solid shelters and create a means of feeding themselves.

Garrus threw himself into preparing the Normandy for the last leg of the journey home and helping the people outside the capitol rebuild, working himself to exhaustion so that he collapsed onto his cot at night into blissful oblivion.

As much as Garrus and the crew enjoyed the diversion, as soon as the Normandy was ready, they left Diana Allers behind and lifted off within the hour, all of them feeling the inextricable pull to Earth. He knew it originated with him and tried to keep it under control. As certain as he was that Shepard awaited them there, Hackett had said nothing in their rare communications to substantiate his belief.

The weeks passed slowly, not even poker, basketball and crate obstacle courses able to keep the monotony at bay. The crew began to dig into modifying the ship as much as they could with the parts on hand or that they were able to salvage along the way. None of them believed they would remain on Earth long, and figured that they might as well get the jump on refitting her for long journeys.

They scrounged supplies along the way, knowing as well, that when they did make it back to Earth, it was a planet that was going to be in short supply on everything. In the end, it was the work that saved them, keeping cabin fever to a minimum.

**February 7, 2187**

"Hey, Garrus," Joker called as the turian walked onto the bridge. "Thought you'd want to be here for the big moment."

Garrus laughed. "Wouldn't miss it. Going to be glad to put my feet on solid ground again."

Joker grinned and opened a channel. "Hey Tali... what's the hold up? We've got to be on sensors already."

"Hold onto your shorts," the quarian replied. "I'm right here. Would have thought you could at least start without me."

Joker shrugged as she slipped into the copilot seat. "I didn't think you'd want to miss it, that's all. It's not like I've gotten used to you being there or anything."

Tali chuckled. "You can be such a bosh'tet. You know that, right?"

He nodded. "Pride myself on it."

Garrus watched them bicker, getting the feeling that over the months of helping Joker cope with EDI's loss, Tali had started to occupy more than the copilot's seat.

Joker took a deep breath. "Alliance control, this is the SSV Normandy requesting approach vector and landing instructions."

Despite the fact that Garrus knew that Earth was still there, still occupied, having spoken to Hackett the night before, he found himself holding his breath.

"SSV Normandy, this is Alliance control. Transmitting vector and landing instructions for Alliance Headquarters, London. Welcome home, Normandy. Exercise caution on approach, debris remains a hazard to navigation even in traffic lanes."

"Roger that, Alliance control. It's good to be home. Normandy out."

Garrus walked over to the port and leaned on the back of Tali's seat, watching as the Normandy flew through the solar system, Sol growing bigger and brighter ahead of them. Impatience made the trip seem longer than the previous times he'd been to the human homeworld. At last they left Mars behind them, closing in on the site of the biggest space battle in galactic history.

The dark side of the planet loomed large in the forward port before they saw the first signs of battle. Ships flew amidst the debris, scavenging whatever could be used to repair the remnants of the fleet, loading what was beyond repair into huge garbage scows for return to earth and recycling. Reaper corpses hung like dead nightmares. They passed one being towed away from the planet.

"Guess their not taking any chances recycling the Reaper tech," Joker said. "Looks like they're just going to drop them into Jupiter's atmosphere."

Garrus nodded, but it was Tali who replied.

"I don't blame them. I'd be afraid of my toaster if I knew part of it was recycled Reaper."

The two men chuckled, but Garrus knew exactly what she meant.

"That could be a whole new line of defence for criminals," Joker teased. His voice deepened. 'Why'd you do it, Mr Smith?'" He changed his voice again. "My toaster indoctrinated me, Your Honour."

At last the Citadel came into view. Ships moved about it like bees around a ruined hive. Seeing its shattered bulk hanging there like a skeletal hand, Garrus began to doubt his conviction. How could anyone have survived that?

"Holy shit," Joker whispered, his voice breaking a little. "Garrus, I'm all for believing in your gut, but..."

"No," Tali said. "We don't give up until they show us proof. Admiral Hackett hasn't said anything about finding her body."

Garrus straightened and laid his hand on Tali's shoulder for a moment, needing to hear someone else express some hope right then.

Earth looked almost paradisaical from a couple hundred thousand miles away. Most of the fires had burned themselves out, and the thick layer of dust and smoke had begun to disperse. Hints of blue and even green began to appear through the clouds as they circled around from night to day. It wasn't until they got closer that the destruction showed in harsh relief.

As they followed their landing vector, the Alliance base appeared, a single rubble free zone on the Thames. All but one of the buildings still looked like broken teeth, jagged chunks missing, windows covered in plastic and boards. Scaffolding had been erected around most of the buildings on the base, workers climbing over the maze of boards and metal like ants busy repairing a nest kicked over by a massive boot.

As the Normandy circled over the base, settling into dock, work stopped, all eyes turning to watch Shepard's ship return home. Some cheered and clapped, making Garrus scowl.

"Well, that just seems wrong," Joker said softly, absent his usual sarcasm.

"Yeah," Garrus agreed. Shepard was the hero. All the Normandy had done was flee the Citadel's destruction, leaving its Captain behind. But then again, perhaps the symbol was important. The Normandy had defied the odds and won, as had Shepard... as had they all.

The Normandy settled to the ground, but it was a few moments before anyone moved. It didn't seem real. In fact, nothing after the Normandy had arrived at Earth, leading the galactic fleet, seemed real right then. Only the destruction outside the ports bore witness to the fact that months before, they'd fought their way across the city through Reaper forces, determined to make sure that all civilization would prevail.

"SSV Normandy, Alliance Control," the voice on the radio called out. "Welcome home, Normandy. Admiral Hackett asked that you gather your crew for debriefing. He's on his way."

"Roger that, Alliance control. It's good to be home."

Garrus turned to leave. "Gather everyone in the mess, Joker. Twenty minutes."

"Yes Sir."

Garrus made his way down to the cargo bay. "Open her up, Lt. Cortez," he ordered.

Steve smiled. "Yes Sir."

Garrus walked to the ramp, taking a deep breath of the cool, damp air. The stench of death, destruction and decay that hung over the city like a pall the last time had faded to an undertone. Rain misted down from a steel grey, sullen sky. He'd never been someone who liked cold or damp, but at that moment, both seemed precious. They'd made it back. Alive or dead, Shepard was here somewhere. He'd crossed the endless miles between them, something that made him both excited and terrified.

He walked down the ramp to greet the admiral as Hackett exited the closest building, the only one that appeared completely repaired.

Hackett gave him a broad smile and reached out his hand, shaking Garrus's with enthusiasm. "Welcome back, Vakarian. It's damned good to see you." He looked up at the Normandy like a long missed friend.

"Thank you, Admiral. The crew is assembling in the mess for your debriefing." He turned to walk back aboard, but looked back when Hackett didn't follow him. "Admiral?"

"I was hoping to get a chance to speak with you before meeting with the crew." He let out a huff of air. "I didn't know if I should say anything during your trip back... You and Shepard, you were together?"

"Yes, we are." Garrus stepped back down the ramp. "What is it, Admiral? Have you found her?"

Hackett nodded. "Search and rescue crews found her in the rubble the same day you got your QEC up." He held up a hand to still Garrus's questions. "She was alive... is alive, but gravely wounded. When she was found, she had serious internal injuries. Her legs and one arm were..." Hackett paused to swallow hard. "... they were dead. They amputated her left arm and right leg before they realized that her implants were healing the dead tissue. They have been replaced by fully integrated prosthetics. It appears the only thing the Cerberus tech was unable to do was bring her back to us. She remains in a profound coma. The doctors have little hope that she will regain consciousness."

Garrus stumbled back a step, feeling as though he'd taken a gut shot. Thirty seconds passed before he processed what Hackett had said. "They took one of her arms and a leg?" He clenched his fists to keep himself from grabbing the Admiral, shaking the living shit out of him, and demanding to be taken to Shepard. "She's in a coma?"

"Yes. She has shown no indicators that she's regaining consciousness. It seemed a miracle, finding her alive in all that destruction after two weeks, but it's a tempered one. I'm sorry."

Garrus took a slow, deep breath forcing back the panic and anger. He nodded. "She's alive, Admiral. One miracle at a time."

Hackett nodded. "Permission to come aboard?"

"Granted." Garrus led the way on board, but then waved Steve over. "Could you show Admiral Hackett up to the mess? I'll be right behind you."

As soon as they got onto the elevator, he stumbled into the procurement console, bracing himself there for a moment before he opened a channel to Dr. Chakwas. "Doctor?"

"I was just contacted by a colleague of mine at the Alliance hospital, Garrus. I'm on my way to see her now. I'll let you know what's going on as soon as I find out."

He wanted to tell her that he was going with her, but he just nodded. "They..." He choked on the words. "They carved her up." His head dropped as his blood pressure bottomed out for a moment. Turians didn't faint, but he felt dangerously close at that moment.

"I know. To save her life, Garrus. They didn't know. I wouldn't have known." She cleared her throat. "But we need to focus on what's ahead, and if there's a way to get her back, we'll find it," Dr. Chakwas assured him. "I'll contact you as soon as I know anything. Chakwas out."

He hesitated another moment, the open ramp calling to him, but in the end, duty to the crew raised his hand to the elevator controls, and he headed up to Hackett's debriefing. Every moment squeezing his lungs tighter and tighter until he sagged back against the wall. They'd taken his Shepard and torn her apart before they ...." He pushed himself up straight and shook it off. No. He couldn't allow himself to go there. She was still Shepard. No matter what, she would always be Shepard. His Shepard. Hell, she was half cyborg as it was. What were a few more mechanical parts? He strode out to the briefing, eager to get it over with. It was all that stood between them now.

The admiral brought the crew up to speed on the state of the galaxy since the Reapers had been defeated. He told them about Shepard, the crew greeting the news with equal measures of subdued horror and optimism. They all knew that Shepard had come back from worse.

"I understand that you've all just spent a lot longer trapped on a ship than is comfortable for anyone," the admiral said as he concluded. "You'll be planet side for a while, but the Normandy is the fastest ship in the galaxy. We have to get her outfitted to be our first responder. We'll get you back out there better equipped for long periods aboard."

"You said the Keepers are repairing the Citadel?" Kaidan asked. "Do we know if they are working on the relays as well?"

Hackett nodded. "We have a heavy construction crew working on the relay, mostly towing as many of the salvageable components back into place as they can find. They report that Keepers have appeared within what portions of the relay are intact, but we don't have any traction on what they're doing. Our best guess is that we have a couple of years travelling at FTL ahead of us."

"On Earth, the Alliance has been pressed into duty as planetary government until which time we are organized enough to hold elections. A few things are more pressing at this time, food, shelter, global communications at the top of a long list. We've been refitting ships as quickly as we can scavenge parts then sent them out to patrol the routes between Earth and our few remaining colonies, as well as to hunt out supplies. We finally have crops growing in the some of the southern climates, but we're heading into a long, hard winter here in the north.'

'We'd be in a lot worse shape if the Quarians hadn't stayed behind as long as they did. They helped us put together hydroponic greenhouses and recycling facilities that are starting to ease the pressure. Their expertise in living with limited resources has resulted in a lot of lives saved."

"When did they leave for Rannoch?" Tali asked.

"Three weeks ago. They're escorting a small fleet of Asari refugees to Thessia before heading to Rannoch. None of the refugee vessels had armaments."

Tali straightened a little in her seat, and Garrus smiled. Tali had always been proud of her people, despite their reputation as galactic vagrants. The quarian involvement in defending Palaven, bringing down the Reapers, and now assisting the devastated fleets and homeworlds in their recovery was going to force the rest of the galaxy see their worth as well.

Hackett waited for any more questions, then stood. "I'll have the heads of the different departments contact you within the next 24 hours to discuss what you're going to need for the refits. Welcome back, all of you. Take a short vacation, you've earned it, and the galaxy is going to be asking a great deal of you in the months to come." He looked over at Garrus and nodded.

Garrus stepped to the head of his people. "I'll have a leave roster by the end of the day. Dismissed."

Liara, Joker, Kaidan and Tali joined him.

"You'll be wanting to see the commander," Hackett said. He led the way to the elevator and then off the ship.

"How much of the base have you rebuilt?" Kaidan asked.

"The main building here at the docks—we're using it as our headquarters—the hospital and two dormitories for staff and workers. Two more apartment buildings on the perimeter are nearly complete. Most of the Alliance personnel are still living in tents set up in a park just down the street so that civilians could move into the more secure housing." The admiral led the way into the hospital.

Garrus followed, the conversations of his colleagues and the greetings of strangers washing over him without registering. Their last night together, he and Shepard shared something profound. She'd promised to leave everything behind to build a life with him. He'd built his whole life on her, something that engendered a peace and purpose within him unlike anything he'd known, but it had always been a house of cards. When they waited and waited for her to contact the Normandy to extract her from the Crucible, and word never came, his life had ended even though his body had gone on. Hopefully now they could build something more solid and less terrifying.

Hackett managed to keep them moving through the well-wishers and the gawkers until they entered a small waiting room. A human and an asari sat talking quietly in a corner.

"Mel! Paul!" Hackett called, walking toward the pair with his hand outstretched. "Good to see you. How are things going?"

The human man and the asari smiled and got up to greet the admiral.

"The doctors just kicked us out for their hourly checks," the asari said. "Otherwise, everything's the same." She held up a book. "We started a new novel today. I think its some sort of elcor romance. Hard to tell, the shape its in."

Hackett turned to Garrus and the others. "Garrus Vakarian, Liara T'Soni, Major Alenko, Flight Lt. Moreau, Tali'Zorah, this is Mellena and Paul. They're the two workers who found Commander Shepard on the Citadel. They come by every day to read to her and keep her company. Mel and Paul, this is Commander Shepard's team."

Garrus stepped forward, his hand held out to shake theirs. "Thank you both for looking after her while we couldn't."

The asari blushed a darker blue. "We figured it was the least we could do after everything she did for us."

"It's an honour to meet you," the man said.

Liara greeted the two workers, then looked to Hackett and touched Garrus's arm. "Let's go in."

Garrus nodded, his heart thumping inside his chest. After the weeks of mourning and then uncertainty, of hoping and even praying for her to be alive, he was terrified to face reality and it's consequences.

"Don't worry," Mel said, as if she could sense his trepidation. "Except for the feeding tube, it just looks like she's sleeping. The docs say her implants healed her right up." She took a step forward and patted his arm. "You can't tell at all. They did a really great job."

Garrus' mandibles flicked a little, and he nodded, grateful, despite the anger curling inside him, coiling to strike. They did a fantastic job of replacing limbs that never needed to be removed in the first place. Liara nodded toward the door, giving him a slow blink as if to tell him to keep it together.

"Vakarian, if you and Dr. T'Soni could follow me. The rest can wait here until you're done." Hackett led them through another security point and into a small, dimly lit room.

Inside the door, Garrus stopped so short that Liara ran into him. There she was, laying amidst a tangle of cables and tubes, partially inclined, covered to her neck in blankets, her face the only colour in the room other than the monitors. Mel had been right. She looked as though she was going to open her eyes, yawn and give him the sleepy smile that had greeted him each morning. He swallowed hard.

"She looks so small." Liara stepped around him and laid her hand on his arm. "It's easy to forget that she's not eight feet tall and made of unobtanium. She's always so much larger than life." She gave him a gentle push. "Go on, this is what you've been hoping for."

He sighed and crossed to the bed, his heart pounding, believing that any second, he would wake up to discover himself back in the forward battery. "No one believes she's going to wake up." He took Shepard's hand between his. It was warm and soft, the small, delicate fingers and palm calloused, just as he remembered. He rubbed it gently as he bent to press it against his face, inhaling the scent of her. He let out a long breath. Even under the reek of hospital, it was her. "To come this far ..." He shook his head and looked up at Liara.

"Well, none of the doubters have an asari who has melded with Shepard multiple times, either. I always hoped that suffering through the beacon nightmare would have an upside some day. You know, other than stopping Saren." She laid her hand on Shepard's brow and closed her eyes. When she opened them, they were the fathomless black that always terrified him a little. "I can still feel her, but her grasp is tenuous." She closed her eyes again and bowed her head, almost as if she was praying.

Garrus touched Shepard's cheek, running the back of a talon along her jaw line. He stared at her, afraid even to blink in case it shattered the delusion. "She made me go on a first date," he said, his voice a soft rasp. "If you count her time in lock up, we'd been together the better part of a year, but she insisted that we at least pretend to be normal people, meeting the way normal people do."

"The longer the fight dragged on, the more she just wanted to be rid of Commander Shepard. No galaxy counting on her—half of it calling her insane or a criminal, the other half propping her up on a hero's pedestal. She couldn't go anywhere without almost everyone knowing who she was and either fawning over her or trying to kill her. She just wanted to be Jane Shepard, Alliance Navy. Maybe we can manage that now." Garrus held her hand between both of his.

Liara nodded. "There was one other thing she wanted to be." She opened her eyes, that black gaze staring past him into space. After a moment, she shook her head. "Damn."

"What?"

"I reached her, but she retreated from me. She didn't know me." The asari sighed, her brow furrowing. "The trauma of what happened must have damaged her memory." She grumbled under her breath for a moment as if both perplexed and annoyed. "I think she died and was restarted. Her body is here, but her spirit is still on the other side of the veil. She needs to be brought back through, but if she flees from me..."

Garrus laid his hand over hers. "You can do it, T'Soni."

Liara gasped and smiled. "Oh!" She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again, they had returned to their usual blue. She slipped her hand out from under his.

"What happened?"

"As soon as you touched me, she stopped moving away." The asari sagged a little, leaning against the bed. "She recognized you. We can use that, if you're willing."

He nodded. "Of course. Whatever you need."

"Give me a couple of hours to rest and center myself. It's going to be a long, draining process for us both, but I'll act as a bridge for you to reach across and bring her back." She took a deep breath, laid a hand on Shepard's shoulder, then bent to kiss the commander's cheek. When she straightened, she smiled. "I think we have a good chance, Garrus. She's lost and confused, but her reaction when you touched me was definite."

"What do you need from me?"

"Try to center and focus yourself as much as you can, and rest for a couple of hours. It's no small thing to reach so far. It'll take a lot out of you. Other than that, just meet me back here in three hours." The asari stepped back from the bed. "We should give the others a chance to see her."

Garrus nodded, but didn't move. "Go ahead. I'll be out in a few minutes."

She smiled, blushing a little. "Of course. Take your time. I'll see you in a few hours."

Garrus watched her leave, then pulled a chair over next to the bed and sat. He tugged off his gloves and clasped her hand in his again.

"Hey Shepard. I'm going to be too relieved to say any of this once you're awake, so..." He reached up to stroke her hair. "You ever leave me behind like that again, I'll kick your ass. I don't care if you need to use every ounce of medigel you've got on you, and I still have to crawl after you." He lifted her hand, pressing it against his cheek, savouring the warmth and softness of her skin against his. "There's something worse than dying at your side, and I've done it twice. Never again. "

"I've seen the Citadel, Shepard, and I don't know how you survived that. Hackett seems to think it's all that Cerberus tech, but I think it's got more to do with being too stubborn to die." He sighed. "Maybe you just needed to keep your word. Whatever. It doesn't matter. You didn't leave me behind for good, and now Liara will get you back. She has to. It's the only thing that makes sense. This thing they did to you..." He looked down at her legs, identical under the blankets, tiny feet-that she insisted were enormous-sticking toes up. He laid his hand on the closest, the one they'd taken, not sure what to expect. It felt warm under his hand, just like the rest of her, but it hummed with a slightly different pulse than the rest of her. He caressed it, surprised at how soft and supple it was. Even more surprised to find himself imagining it wrapping around his waist.

He chuckled, low and resonate. "I'm a very bad man." He slid his hand up to her neck, cupping her face gently, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "You've gone and turned me into a turian pervert with a damned human fetish, woman." He leaned up to nuzzle her temple then pulled back.

He shook his head, lifting her hand to his face, caressing the inside of her wrist with his upper lip, savouring the softness and warmth, the reassuring beat of her pulse. "The first time you died on me, it nearly destroyed me. I don't think I ever told you that. Trapped in that room on Omega, I was relieved. As furious and betrayed as I felt ... as much as I wanted to take every last damned merc on that forsaken station with me ... I was praying for that bullet. I thought maybe I'd have the guts to come clean with you if I walked into that bar, and you were waiting, that cocky grin on your face. But, you found me, then we found one another. Never thanked you for that. As graceless as you were in that moment, thanks for having the guts to take that step, Shepard. You gave me the best few months of my life." He tucked her hand back under the blankets.

"I'll be back in a little while. Some of the others want a chance to tell you off while you can't answer back." He stood and leaned down, brushing his lips over her brow. "I love you, Shepard, but I mean it. Leave me behind again... I'll kick your ass." He turned and left the room.

Kaidan met him outside Shepard's door. "So ... um ... Liara says there's a good chance of waking Shepard up."

Garrus nodded and moved to step past him.

"Hey, ahhh ... Garrus?"

He stopped and turned back.

"I never really understood about you and Shepard. Didn't want to, I guess. Seeing why she was with you would have shown me why she moved on from me."

Garrus frowned at Kaidan, not sure what he was trying to say.

"I just wanted to say that I get it. She was right. You've been there for her every minute. She only ever asked me for one thing. I'm not sure why I could never give it to her. Too much of a coward, I guess. Too busy making demands of her rather than stepping up and being what she needed. I'm just glad that you're a better man than I managed to be." The Major took a deep breath and nodded, then turned and walked into the room.

Garrus turned and headed out of the hospital, surprised by Kaidan's turnabout. Even though they managed to be cordial and work together well enough, there'd been an understandable tension between them when Kaidan returned to the Normandy. Garrus had spent his days and nights at Shepard's side, never quite believing or understanding that she'd chosen him. At least until that day on the Presidium when she told him that she loved him for the first time. He'd been so surprised by her admission that he'd completely neglected to say it back. Good thing she'd always been able to read him so well, because sometimes he could be a complete idiot.

When he stepped out of the hospital, the sun had broken through the clouds and the rain had stopped. The grounds shone wet and relatively clean. He took a deep breath. Even a couple of weeks without fresh air renewed his appreciation for things as simple as weather. He looked over toward the Normandy, a couple hundred meters across the docks, but turned away from her when he spotted the crowd of onlookers. Alliance personnel had begun moving in wire and barricades to keep them back.

Garrus headed off in the direction of fewest people and buildings, not feeling like trying to wade through the crowd, eventually finding himself on the bank of the river. He found a spot away from the public eye and sat, staring down at the light reflecting off the black, cold-looking water. He let his mind wander, and it came to settle on his family. He'd found part of it, but his father and sister remained lost. They'd made it off Palaven, their evacuation convoy headed for the Citadel, but as far as he knew, it hadn't arrived before the Citadel was moved. He hoped it hadn't. At least then, there was some hope that they were out there, limping their way back to Palaven.

He hoped he got a chance to make things right with his father. Going to him about the Reapers had been an important first olive branch, and the respect his dad showed him had given him hope that they had a chance to leave all the old resentments and anger behind.

Garrus sighed. He'd never deserved his father's respect before. He'd demanded it, but never earned it. Shepard had changed that. She'd changed him.

It rankled that his dad had been right all those years, but if it hadn't been for Shepard, he would have self-destructed just as his father had always told him he would. Instead, Shepard had saved his life. She'd been the first thing in his life that he didn't fight, probably because she didn't just talk at him. Rather than telling him something was important, she showed him the difference it made. If he lived to be a thousand years old, he would never forget the feeling that went through him when Shepard actually reached Saren, breaking through the indoctrination with her compassion, convincing him to redeem himself the only way he could. Garrus had never felt awe as he had in that moment.

A flock of large birds swooped down, raising a terrible racket as they settled onto the river a few meters in front of him. They swam downriver for a moment, but then a shuttle flew overhead, its thrusters tilted toward the ground as it adjusted its descent, and they took off, squawking their indignation.

Garrus watched them until they disappeared from sight, his eyes drawn back to the sluggish current of the river. He should get back. Liara needed him to be ready, not that he had the first clue what that meant.

Instead, his mind drifted, following the strange, wonderful and sometimes incredibly awkward course of his relationship with Shepard. She'd shocked him when she proposed taking their friendship to more intimate ground. As important as she was to him, he never guessed that she cared just as much. It... she... was a revelation.

The months they spent together, living together as a couple, despite everything, had been the best of his life. There were a great many things in the galaxy that he was unsure of, and only one thing of which he was absolutely certain: he was meant to be with Shepard.

He looked up, hearing approaching footsteps.

"I still can't believe the Normandy made it back. Some of us are going to head over after shift to see if we can get a look at her," a woman said, sounding far more excited that Garrus would have thought anyone could get over seeing a ship.

"I think it's a sign," a male replied. "Shepard's going to be fine. You wait and see, everything's going to be okay again."

Garrus nodded. The man was right. Shepard was going to be fine and the universe was going to swing back into its proper alignment. Before the battle on earth, she'd told him that she planned to retire from the Alliance military—to leave war and death behind to build a life with him. In London, she'd accepted his clumsy proposal that they be a family. That was worth fighting for. That possibility was worth everything.

He stood and headed back to the Normandy. He needed to be ready when Liara called on him.

When he reached the Normandy, it took a fair sized squad of Alliance soldiers to jockey him through the crowd. He greeted as many people as he could manage, but there were just so many.

When the ramp closed behind him, he let out a sigh of relief that drew a chuckle from Cortez.

"Nuts out there, isn't it?"

"And it's going to get worse," James said. "We just got here. Imagine once word really gets out."

"That's what the main gun is for," Garrus grumbled.

Steve laughed. "We'll just park the shuttle at the top of the ramp. A few kicks from the thrusters should clear a path." He snapped his fingers. "Almost forgot. Dr. Chakwas said to let you know she was back."

"Thanks." Garrus headed to the elevator and then the Med Bay.

"I knew you'd be by soon," the doctor said as he entered. She turned her chair around to face him. "Unfortunately, I'm as much at a loss as the rest of her doctors. She laid up there for two weeks without food and water, minimal oxygen, only the weight of the rubble keeping her from bleeding out internally. The same lack of circulation that kept her from bleeding to death, also caused massive tissue necrosis. There's just no medical reason for our commander to be alive."

"Except for the Lazarus project." He leaned against the counter across from Chakwas' desk.

"Exactly. The implants are constantly healing and stimulating new cell growth. The amputations were unfortunate, but they had no idea that her implants would reverse damage so severe. Luckily, they started to see rapid improvement in her left leg before they operated. They did the best work I have ever seen on her prosthetics, Garrus. They're amazing. If anything, she'll be stronger and tougher than she was before."

He nodded, his mandibles dropping. "Is that even possible?"

The doctor rewarded him with a smile.

"What about the coma? Liara seemed to think that Shepard died and that her implants restarted her, or something."

"All the physical damage to her brain has been repaired, but for now, Shepard is just an empty shell. I told Hackett and her surgical team that if they even considered implanting a VI, I'd remove every last implant in her body myself." The doctor gave an uncharacteristic curse. "Bloody politicians, already trying to figure out ways to use her survival to their advantage, and don't doubt for a second that some of them are considering what VI driven Shepard spouting their propaganda would do for them."

Garrus cursed as well. "Is there no end?" He worried through it for a moment. "There was no real threat to any agendas until we got back. Damn."

"It wouldn't hurt to have some of our people keeping an eye on her," Chakwas agreed. "Admiral Hackett assures me that he has his most trusted people in place, but it certainly couldn't hurt to have some of the Normandy's crew around her as well. Unfortunately, even with the celebrations still going strong, there are people manoeuvring to rebuild the galactic power structure around themselves." Chakwas cursed again. "Liara told me what she has planned. Let's hope it works and none of this is anything we ever have to worry about."

Garrus straightened. "I can't believe that everything we've been through, after everything she did, we have to protect her from this crap."

"Garrus?" Joker's voice called in his ear.

"What is it, Joker?"

"There's someone asking permission to come aboard." The pilot paused, his tone incredulous. "He says it's Commander Bailey."

"Bailey? How the..." Garrus stopped and shook his head. "Permission granted."

"No rest for the wicked," the doctor teased.

Garrus nodded. "Thank you, doctor. I'll get Kaidan over there right away to keep an eye on Shepard."

"Of course, Garrus."

Garrus hurried out the door and back to the shuttle bay to greet another miraculous survival. The ramp was already lowering as Garrus arrived.

"I think I'll just leave it down," Steve laughed. "The Normandy's a transit station today."

As the ramp touched ground, Garrus chuckled and shook his head. Sure enough, Armando Bailey stepped up, giving him a crooked smile.

"Bailey, I can't believe it," Garrus said, reaching out to shake the other man's hand.

The rugged blonde officer chuckled. "Not so much a story of heroics and miracles as Shepard's good advice. It's good to see you again, Vakarian."

"And you." Garrus nodded toward the elevator. "Come aboard. I can't wait to hear this." He waved James over. "Show Commander Bailey up to Shepard's quarters." He stepped onto the elevator with them. "I'll be up in a second. I have to send some security over to the hospital to keep an eye on Shepard."

Bailey grumbled. "Can't blame you there. Despite Hackett hovering over her like a junkyard dog, the buzzards have been circling since they found her."

Garrus nodded, not at all surprised that the veteran C-Sec officer had been keeping an eye on the situation. He stepped off on the crew deck and headed for Life Support. With the crew needing the observation room more and more the longer the trip back to Earth stretched out, Kaidan had moved into Thane's old haunt.

"Come in." Kaidan snapped to attention as Garrus walked in. "Sir."

"At ease, Major." Garrus stepped over the threshold. "I need you to set up a guard rotation at the hospital. Make sure that either you, I, Liara or Tali is present at all times as well as two others. It's been brought to my attention that Shepard is a powerful political tool, especially if she never regains consciousness."

Kaidan paled. "Good god, you don't think they would..."

Garrus shrugged. "Let's make sure they don't get the chance. If the hospital personnel give you any trouble, coordinate the detail with Admiral Hackett."

"Yes Sir." A brief smile crossed his face. "It was good to see her again. We've lost her too many times."

Garrus nodded. "Yes we have. Let's keep her safe." He clapped Kaidan on the shoulder, then turned and headed for the elevator, eager to hear how Bailey had survived the seizure and destruction of the Citadel.

He found Bailey watching the fish.

The commander turned to face him as he entered. "She has a hamster?" He chuckled.

Garrus nodded, his mandibles fluttering in a smile. "Calls the crazy little thing Mordin, after a friend. She lets it run wild. I've almost stepped on it more times than I can count." He led the way down to the couch. "Have a seat." He grabbed the bottle and two glasses from Shepard's bottom desk drawer.

"So, you and Shepard?" Bailey asked, looking around at the evidence of Garrus' presence in the quarters.

Garrus chuckled. "Once a C-Sec investigator, always a C-Sec investigator."

Bailey gave a wry laugh. "Yeah, investigating everything becomes a habit. Probably why we have such a hard time staying married. Can't just let anything slip past."

Garrus poured them both a drink. "To answer your question, yes, Shepard and I have been together for about a year."

"Good. She carries too much around not to have someone to lean on." Bailey chuckled, turning a little red. "I admit, I developed a bit of a crush on her myself after she jumped down my throat over Elias Kelham. Although, I imagine that pretty much everyone who meets her has the same problem. She's a remarkable woman."

Garrus sat and leaned back, trying to relax a little. "So, what happened after the Illusive Man told the Reapers about the Citadel being the catalyst?"

Bailey took a large swig of his drink. "After the coup attempt, Shepard came by whenever the Normandy docked. We talked for hours, planning out different ways to evacuate or shelter as many people as we could if something like that happened again. As you know, she donated millions to helping build shelters, buy weapons and supplies.'

Bailey took another drink. "Cerberus came aboard first, but they didn't catch us by surprise that time. We'd been running evacuation drills and had stocked all the refugee ships with supplies, so we were able to get most of them away from the Citadel before the Reapers moved in. Kids mostly, just enough adults to take care of them."

"That would still leave millions aboard the station."

Bailey nodded. "We built fortified bunkers in the guts of the station, and stocked them with all the shuttles and food and weapons we could spare. When the Reapers came aboard, almost everyone was already entrenched in defensible positions, and we'd left a lot of unpleasant surprises for them to find. Still, they were wearing us down. A million or so died in the fighting. The keepers worked non-stop dragging the bodies away."

"So, how did you survive?"

"I was in the deepest and most secure shelter with the Council. When Shepard opened the arms, we packed every body still drawing breath onto shuttles and launched them all for earth. A lot didn't make it. The Council and I did. Best we can figure, we saved maybe four or five hundred thousand. Doesn't feel like nearly enough."

"Still an amazing feat, Bailey. I wouldn't have thought anyone would have survived." Garrus shook his head. "So, the Council?"

"Alive and well on Earth. They must have sacks of horseshoes up their asses with how many times they've escaped certain death." He shrugged. "They considered returning to their homeworlds with their fleets, but decided to stay with the Citadel. I think they're hoping the Keepers will get it and the relays up and running so they can move it back to Widow and pretend nothing ever happened."

"So the political crap just keeps rolling?"

"Worse then ever. After taking such major roles in the war, the quarians and krogan are demanding representatives on the Council. Of course, the hanar, volus and elcor are kicking up a storm over that. Pretty much everyone seems to have decided that the council's time is done. Demands for a senate are growing louder and louder. With the Alliance backing a senate, I don't see how the council will be able to refuse. It's time to build things better."

"Has the Council been to see Shepard?" Garrus asked, knocking back his drink.

"Yeah. They camped out there for the first week or so, until the docs said she was on the mend. Sparatus and Tevos go over a couple times a week. I drop by a few hours a day and talk to myself. I don't know if she can hear me, but if I was in her place—able to hear or not—I wouldn't just want to lie there alone. The pair who found her, Mel and Paul, are good sorts and spend a lot of time with her. They've pretty much adopted her."

Garrus chuckled. "I'm glad she's had people here for her."

"So, what happened to the Normandy after the battle?"

The two men talked for another hour before Bailey headed out. Garrus remained in the Captain's quarters, taking time to go through his messages. Primarch Victus had sent one from the turian fleet, reporting their progress toward Palaven and offering Garrus a seat in the Hierarchy. The last part made him laugh. Shepard had warned him that after the war, his people would come to him. She'd encouraged him, and as much as he hated the idea of being a politician, she was right in saying that he and Victus might make a good team. During the war, Victus had relied heavily on Garrus's advice, a partnership that the Primarch said that he hoped would continue as they began to rebuild their world.

Garrus shook his head and leaned back, closing his eyes. It was a decision for another time. He needed to meet Liara back at the hospital within the hour, and he hadn't taken any time to prepare himself. Not that he had the first clue how to prepare or for what, but he got up and went down to the bed, lying on it for the first time since the night before the final battle with the Reapers.

He laid on his side, his face on her pillow, breathing in the lingering traces of her scent. She always smelled of late spring in the highlands near where he'd grown up. He closed his eyes, relaxing for the first time in months. With any luck, the next time he laid on this bed, Shepard would be back in his arms where she belonged.


	5. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Hell is of our own making.

**Time Indeterminate**

 

"I know this place." Shepard ran her fingers over the smooth bark of a tree. "This is the forest behind the house where I grew up." She smiled, spotting a couple of benches and walked over to them. "These were just behind my school. We used to pile onto them at lunch break and smoke cigarettes until one of the teachers came by." She sat down and caressed the seat, worn satin smooth.

"Why am I here?"

"You are waiting."

She jumped, not expecting an answer, casting about for any sign of the speaker. "What do you mean waiting?"

"Neither moving forward, nor returning from whence you came. Waiting."

"What for?"

"To either let go and move on, or to discover a reason to return."

Whispers called to her from the forest, raising the hairs on the back of her neck. Shepard stood and wandered deeper into the trees, casting wary eyes into the shadows. A light breeze made the undergrowth shiver and sway, but she felt nothing against her face. The smoky forms of people appeared and drifted along beside her, gathering into a rather eerie fellowship that did nothing to soothe the nervous itch under her skin.

Sometimes she heard people speaking to her, but their voices came through as whispers too far away to make out words. She was sure she knew some of the voices, instinctively taking comfort from the familiar sound, despite not making out what they said. Sometimes, they became clearer, telling stories as her mother had when she was a child.

She drifted through the world of her childhood, a place both familiar and foreign. Even though it looked like Mindoir, she knew it wasn't. Part of her whispered that she should feel safety there. Those woods once protected her as she dashed down well-loved paths, running feet carrying her on a thousand adventures. Another part whispered to be wary. Monsters lurked between the safe places, waiting for her to drop her guard.

"Am I dead? Is that what this place is?"

"You are not dead. This place lies in between."

"I've been here before."

"Yes. In dreams."

"Who are you? Are you god?"

"No. I am a fragment of a greater achievement made to suit the unique purpose of keeping you alive."

She wandered through the wood, sticking close to the smooth bark of the trunks, reaching out to touch the shadows only to have them vanish. "Who are these shadows?"

"Cherished memories, unresolved guilt, friendship and love."

Darkness closed in, the bushes and plants near the ground swaying violently as the sky turned dark. The bare branches overhead rattled together like dry bones. "What's happening?" Shepard began to walk faster, her heart pounding. "What's going on?"

"Do not run! You must endure," the voice replied.

"Endure?" The word resonated with promise and comfort, but a prickle up her spine warned her to move, an instinct she knew to heed. Something terrible stalked her, something furious, something calling for blood: her blood. Shepard turned and ran, her hand reflexively reaching to her hip, but coming away without the comfort of a weapon. Figures tracked her, just out of sight.

Lightning flashed, white and then a deep blood red, illuminating portions of her pursuers. Twisted and smashed nightmares of metal and ruined humanoid forms ran through the storm, revealed in glimpses that passed so quickly she couldn't even be sure she'd seen them. No matter how fast she ran, the storm and the monsters it contained chased her, growing more violent and terrifying with each step she took.

Winded, Shepard stopped, leaning up against a tree, struggling to regain her breath. She covered her eyes and backed away as lightning ripped through the air. The tree next to her exploded like a bomb, a thousand shards of wood searing into her flesh. Flailing, stumbling backward, she yanked the worse of the projectiles from her face. Blood, almost cool after the scorched wood, flowed over her skin, rivulets of life dripping onto the forest floor.

The hungry earth reached up. Hands of leaf and soil grabbed hold of her legs, clawing their way up her body. The ground had tasted her blood before and liked it, grown starved for it. It lapped up all that splattered onto the dirt, but greedy and unsated, it longed to drink in the small rivers that flowed down her skin.

Shepard froze, paralyzed by sheer madness. Disbelief held her numb in its grip as impossibility crawled up her body, the very earth oozing malice. Pure survival instinct freed her from the fear, and she fought back, tearing at the arms that held her fast. She struggled until sweat poured down her body. The hands reached the rivulets of sweat and blood, tearing her clothes away in a frenzy of blood-lust, growing stronger as she weakened.

Darkness closed in, the trees disappearing into utter black, and she remembered the void. It called to her as figures stepped from the darkness; batarians, their eyes black and terrible, leering at her, mocking her helplessness.

"Spare yourself the pain. Just let go." The fear in her reached for oblivion, yearning for it. Anything to avoid the feel of batarian teeth in her flesh again, the stink of their hatred cocooning her in its filth, their hands desecrating the places Garrus' love had finally cleansed.

"Please." The whisper barely escaped her lips as she begged release although she didn't know from whom.

"You must endure," the gentle voice whispered. "Love if you endure. Life if you endure."

Blind panic tore into her like varren teeth as her uniform disappeared in strips, frenzied nails digging into her flesh. She mewled, writhing, clawing at anything and everything, trying to gain a hand hold, to pull herself free. Bashing and kicking, she wriggled loose, dropping to the forest floor.

Machines... Geth, but broken... torn apart... appeared amongst the Batarians, their cold, brittle digits reaching down, grabbing hold of her arms and legs, pulling her free from the greedy earth only to drag her back and forth between them like dogs fighting over scraps. Their flashlight faces blinked and sputtered, utterly cold, completely without the mercy even contempt might breed. Shepard stared into those alien souls, and the darkness closed in, deeper. She welcomed it.

"No!" a voice boomed, deep, resonant, full of command and fury. "She's ours."

Figures appeared, barely visible in the darkness, one a man in a bloody uniform, the other female. The man took hold of her right leg. The woman closed cold, vice-like hands around her left arm. Together, bellowing rage and accusation, they wrenched, tearing the two limbs free...

Darkness.

A tiny light bloomed there. "Love if you endure," it whispered. "Life if you endure."

"Shepard?"

The darkness drew back. She lifted her head. Her entire body felt awash in misery, yet when she looked down, she remained whole, her uniform back in place.

A woman appeared before her. She was not like the shadows, nor did she exude the menace of those who'd torn her to pieces. She seemed entirely real. A word appeared in Shepard's mind: asari.

"Shepard? Can you hear me?"

Scrambling, Shepard crawled backwards, hitting her feet running. She glanced back, but the woman didn't give chase. She merely stared, an expression of infinite sadness on her pretty, blue features.

Shepard started to turn away, to keep running, but then someone else appeared next to the asari. Turian, his form was almost transparent, ghostly but not like the shadows. Shepard cried out and ran two steps toward him.

"Garrus!"

Both Garrus and the asari vanished.

"Wait! Where did he go?" She ran over to the spot where they'd stood. "Garrus?"

"He found you. He will return."

Shepard nodded, recognizing the promise the light had made when she'd been trapped in the void. For that promise, she'd held on. She crouched at the base of a tree, waiting, hoping that he would reappear. Instead, the darkness closed in once more, the monsters on the move just out of sight. Getting up, she headed back the way she'd come, hoping to to find the bench. Surely, she could wait there in safety.

"Why are you so afraid?" the voice asked. "The only monsters here are the ones in your mind."

"They're angry." She ducked from cover to cover as the sky began to roil, the storm moving in. She tried to stay out of sight, but she knew they saw her nonetheless. "They're so angry."


	6. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell hath no fury . . .

**February 7, 2187**

 

Garrus nodded to James and Ensign Copeland as he passed them to enter Shepard's room. Liara sat next to the bed.

She looked up and smiled. "You ready?"

Garrus shrugged. "I don't know."

She nodded, then gestured to the chair next to her. "You don't have to do anything other than focus on Shepard. I'll try to create a stable connection. Just look into my eyes and open yourself up to her. It might help if you take her hand."

Garrus turned the chair so that he was facing Liara, and slipped his hand under the blankets to take Shepard's fingers in his. "You do realize that if you say, ‘embrace eternity’ at any point here, you're going to get us both punched."

Liara grinned. "Don't worry, I won't do anything to provoke jealousy."

After a deep breath, Garrus met the asari's gaze.

She closed her eyes, breathing slow and deep for a few moments, then opened them, meeting his stare with one of fathomless black.

Just when he began to wonder if anything was going to happen, he felt as if he were thrown into FTL. After a moment, he found himself standing in the dark, a million lights twinkling around him like stars. He looked beside him to Liara.

She smiled. "Concentrate on Shepard. Feel her hand in yours, and allow yourself to follow that connection."

He squeezed Shepard's hand gently. It was warm and soft in his. He stroked the back of it with his thumb as he'd done a hundred times. It was holding those delicate fingers in his that grounded him, reminded him that despite the fact she was Commander Shepard, when she was with him, the guns put away, the armour hung up, she was a woman. She had fears and hopes and old scars that still ached sometimes, and despite being saviour of the galaxy, sometimes she needed to be saved. Some people might believe it made her weak, made her less a hero, but that hand in his reminded him of the truth. She was most strong those rare moments she admitted weakness.

Her fingers moved in his and the darkness retreated, a vast, open forest appearing before him.

"Garrus, they're out there. We've got to get moving. I can't let them get me again."

He looked around, unable to see Shepard. He was seated on a bench, a forest surrounding him on all sides. The tree branches and plants whipped back and forth in a gale that he couldn't feel. Liara stood off to his left, barely visible, no doubt trying to evade Shepard's notice. The sky above the naked branches roiled with dark clouds against a night sky. Lighting flashed around them, sometimes blue-white, making the air smell of ozone, sometimes crimson and accompanied by the unmistakable sound of a Reaper laser.

The hand in his moved again.

"Can you see them?" Shepard asked. "I can't, but I can feel them moving out there, just out of sight." She appeared at his side, a pale apparition. "They always catch me, Garrus."

"Shepard? Who's out there?" As he spoke her name, she solidified and looked up into his eyes.

She stood, and tugged on his hand. "Come on, we need to keep moving. They'll be coming for me." Her head jerked around to look at Liara, her eyes wide with terror, and she yanked on his hand. "Come on, I can’t let them catch me again. They've torn me apart so many times. I'm so tired, Garrus."

He resisted, pulling her toward him and taking her other hand. "Shepard, you're in a coma." He let go of her hand to touch her face. "Liara brought me to you. I've come to take you back."

She nodded. "The light told me you would find me, but come on. If we stay here, they'll find us."

"You're asleep, Shepard. This is all a dream." He let her pull him up onto his feet. "You need to wake up."

She tugged at him. "Come on, quickly. We can talk all you want once we find somewhere defensible. It's got to be on rock. The forest floor is so hungry." She headed out into the trees, running crouched over, moving from cover to cover.

"No, Shepard, stop running." He ran after her and pulled her into his arms, holding her tight. Leaning down next to her ear, he whispered, "None of this is real, Shepard. Feel me, I'm real." He nuzzled her temple. "You've got to come back with me."

Shepard twisted out of his arms, spun around and pointed.

Garrus looked where she pointed but saw only Liara. He started to turn back to Shepard, but then something moved in the trees just outside of the maelstrom around Liara. A man in a torn and bloody uniform limped toward them. Garrus squinted, taking a couple of steps toward the man. "Shepard, who is that? It looks like..."

"It's Anderson. I don't know why he's so angry... why he hates me so much."

"Shepard, Anderson loved you. He'd never hurt you."

Shepard grabbed his hand and dragged him after her. "He and EDI keep tearing me apart." She stopped suddenly, her eyes scanning the trees ahead of them. "There, on the other side of those trees, there's a creek." Scowling, she shifted from foot to foot, her gaze darting as if expecting attack from everywhere. She glanced back. " On the other side, there's a huge boulder. If we get there, we should be okay."

Garrus glanced behind them, looking for Liara. "What do I do?" he asked. "She doesn't understand." He squinted through the flying dust and debris. Another form appeared next to the shuffling man. It was a woman, burned unrecognizable, but metal parts glinted in the lightning. "Do you have any idea what she's talking about?"

The asari shook her head, looking sad. "I know where we are. Maybe she's talking about the Batarians."

Shepard heard Liara because she jumped up, spun around, then grabbed the yoke of his armour and dragged him up. She released him and signalled for him to go right ten meters then move forward again.

"Where are we, then?"

"Sh! Garrus! They'll hear you," Shepard whispered. She dashed forward, taking new cover.

"Mindoir. I uncovered some footage from the batarian raid there." Liara dropped back as her voice spooked Shepard even further.

"Who is that?" Shepard whispered. "Why's she following us?" She cast around, searching the forest floor as if looking for a weapon. When Garrus ducked down beside her, she grabbed hold of his yoke. "You didn't bring your rifle, did you?"

"It's Liara, Shepard. She helped me find you. Who are you running from?" When she moved to leave cover, he grabbed her and pulled her back. "What are you running from? Stop for a second. This isn't you; you don't run."

She stared at him like he'd gone mad. "Can't you feel them out there? They're everywhere, Garrus. I did this to them, and now they've come for me." She sagged into the tree at her side. "I can't endure it another time, Garrus. I just can't. So much pain. So many times."

"Shepard, there's nothing out there. You're asleep." He pulled her into his arms again. "You trust me, don't you?"

She nodded, letting him support her, but her eyes never stopped scanning the trees. "With my life."

He pressed his mouths to hers. "Then trust this, and come back to me," he said softly against her lips.

She stopped struggling and returned his kiss, her arms slipped around him. After a moment, she pulled back. "But... I did this to them, Garrus."

He sighed. "You're not making any sense, Shepard." He reached up and brushed her hair from her face. "Do you remember telling me that you'd never leave me alone?"

Shepard frowned. "But then..." She touched his face, her eyes finally focusing on his, her brow furrowed with confusion. "You've got to get out of here." Nodding, she ran her fingers along his cheek and down over his lip. "You've got to be kidding me."

Garrus looked to Liara again, but the asari just motioned for him to go with it.

"No matter what happens here today, you know that I'll always love you."

He nodded, understanding. "Yes, those are the last things we said to one another."

She began to speak, but then blood red lightning struck the tree, a Reaper laser booming over them. The tree exploded. Garrus threw his arm up to protect his face from the shrapnel. When he lowered it, Shepard was gone.

"Shepard?" He jumped up and spun around. "Liara? How could she just disappear? Is she awake?"

The asari shook her head. She stepped forward. "Maybe we should..."

A piercing scream echoed through the trees. Garrus bolted, taking his direction from instinct rather than trying to analyse where the scream came from. The absolute agony and despair in that scream stopped his heart. What hell had death dragged Shepard into? He slid to a halt, lungs heaving, trying to hear anything to give him a clue to where she was.

“Come on, Shepard, help me.”

Another scream, followed by sobbing, pleading... sounds he never thought to hear Shepard make.

He took off in a slightly different direction. "Shepard!" The crying stopped. He ran a few more strides then slowed. "Come on, where are you?"

"No!"

Garrus began running before he even realized that the voice wasn't Shepard's.

"She's ours!"

"Anderson?" He dug in and ran faster.

Screaming. Shrill, desperate animal wails of a pain beyond imagining. "I'm sorry!" Shepard cried, her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."

Garrus burst out of the trees into a small open area and slid to a stop, his gorge rising even as his eyes tried to decipher what he looked at. "Spirits." A bellow of denial and pain tore from his throat, raw grief that gradually formed into her name as he stumbled toward the mess of blood and torn flesh laying sprawled on the forest floor.

"Shepard!"

A hand flopped weakly in the thick layer of detritus that covered the ground, dead leaves and twigs sticking to the blood. Blood. It was splashed everywhere like an animal had been slaughtered. He fell to his knees two metres from her side, crawling the last metre. He froze when he saw her leg lying a couple of metres away.

"Oh Shepard." He rushed to her then, gently lifting her in his arms, cradling her naked, ravaged form against him. "Shepard?"

Her eyes opened, then drifted closed again. "Garrus."

"What is this, Shepard?" Even as he asked, he knew the answer, at least for her arm and leg. Her subconscious knew that she'd been violated and had turned it into a hell.

"They're angry, Garrus." Tears leaked from the outside corners of her eyes, cutting a pale path through the filth and blood before soaking into her hair. "I don't know why. The Geth, Anderson, EDI..." Her eyes closed. "Over and over. In a moment, it'll all be back the way it was... I'll be whole, and it'll start again." Her hand clutched at his armour, her grip so weak, she couldn't even keep hold. "I can't do it any more, Garrus. I tried to hold on."

He nuzzled her brow, and she mewled in pain. A ragged sob tore from his throat, but he pushed it down. "You can't leave me, Shepard. Don't you dare. You promised that I'd never be alone."

Her lips curved in a slight smile. "The light promised me that you'd come if I breathed in, and you did." Her eyelids flickered. "I held on as long as I could."

"You're asleep, Shepard. All you need to do is let me take you back. You're okay out in the world. They healed you." He pressed his cheek to her brow. "Don't you dare quit on me, Shepard."

She let out a long, thin breath. "I wish ... I wish I could have seen our children."

"I'm waiting for you, Shepard, out there in the world." He pulled her in and kissed her. "You can."

Shepard smiled. "I want to believe that, Garrus."

He steeled himself against the screams to come and gathered her in his arms. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I'm sorry." He sobbed as he lurched to his feet, her screams cutting into him like jagged blades, each one a new hell. "I'm taking you back. You'll be alright if I can get you back."

He turned, searching. "Liara! Where are you?"

"Sh, Garrus," Shepard gasped, her lips opening with each shallow breath. "It's okay. It's okay. The void promises peace."

"Liara!" Garrrus started back the way he'd come. "Damn it, Liara."

The storm roared back to life, fighting against him, the wind trying to pull Shepard's broken form from his arms, jealously refusing to let him take her.

"You can't have her!" he growled, leaning into the wind, sheltering her the best he could. "Liara! Dammit!"

The asari appeared, ghostly... nothing more than a blue ripple in the air. She reached out to him, struggling against the storm as it tried to stop her.

"Garrus," Shepard whispered. "I love you."

Her body went limp in his arms, her head lolling back, tipping into his chest. "No!" He lowered his head, booted talons digging furrows in the earth with each step. Only a few more feet to Liara. "This is not the way it ends, Shepard! This is not the way it ends."

Darkness pressed in from all sides, closing around them. Liara stretched out her hand, straining closer. Lunging forward, she clasped the yoke of his armour, and the storm vanished. Darkness surrounded them, and for a moment, he thought that death had taken them all. He bent his mouth to Shepard's brow. It was okay. If they'd died, that was all right, because they were together.

"It's okay," he whispered, sinking to his knees, clutching her to him, rocking her softly. "It's okay. I've got you."

A tiny light appeared in the black, drawing his eye. He lifted his head and smiled as twinkling lights appeared all around them. He stood and pressed his lips to Shepard's forehead.

"She did it, Shepard. Liara did it." He turned her face to where a light bloomed on the horizon, growing brighter, sweeping toward them like the rising sun, and then he was sitting in his chair, Liara across from him, her eyes closed. He sagged into his chair for a moment, but then Shepard's hand moved in his, squeezing his fingers.

Her grip clamped down on his hand, grinding the bones together, then threw it away, her body erupting off the bed, flailing. She tore at the wires and the tube down her throat, fighting to be free of them. He jumped up and grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands away from her throat as her nails clawed at the tender flesh, leaving bloody gouges.

"Easy, Shepard." He pressed her down to the bed, using his body to pin her down. She fought like a krogan, throwing herself up against him, kicking, strangled noises escaping her throat.

"Liara! Call Chakwas!" He pinned her prosthetic arm under his armpit and reached up to stroke her hair. "Easy Shepard. You're okay. You're awake, in an Alliance hospital. Please, stop. I don't want to hurt you." He took her face between his hands, forcing her to look at him. "Just look into my eyes and breathe. You're okay. I've got you." He leaned forward to touch his brow to hers. "I've got you."

She stopped struggling, her chest heaving, sweat streaming over her skin, but her eyes locked onto his, terrified and wide.

"That's my girl." He gave her a smile, trying to blink away the glassiness in his eyes. "Just breathe easy." He stroked her hair away from her face. "You were hurt, but you're okay now. I've got you."

She tugged at her arms, trying to get them loose, but not frantically, so he let her up a little. She reached up, touching his face with her fingertips, running them over his skin, barely skimming it. She pulled back her left arm, rubbing her thumb over the fingertips before turning a confused stare his way.

He nodded. "You were trapped for a long time. The doctors will explain everything."

As he said the words, a stampede of feet pounded on the floor, a flood of white coats pouring in the door. Shepard bolted upright, practically crawling backwards out of the bed before Garrus got hold of her again.

"Hey!" he barked at the doctors. "Slow it down."

A doctor with a wild mop of white hair and large glasses held up his hands, stopping the rest of his colleagues. "My apologies." He walked up to the foot of Shepard's bed. "Welcome back, Commander. Sorry for startling you, we've just been praying for this day for months. How are you feeling?"

Shepard looked to Garrus. She reached up to grab the feeding tube, trying to pull it out.

He took her hands in his. "We'll get that out as soon as we can." He gave her another smile. "Just hold onto me, okay? You're fine." He looked over his shoulder at the doctor. "She just woke up from a hell the like of which you can't imagine. Get this damned tube out of her throat so that she can talk at least."

Dr. Chakwas strode into the room, Liara right behind her. She smiled at Shepard and walked up to the side of the bed opposite Garrus. "Welcome back, Shepard." The doctor laid a gentle hand on Shepard's shoulder, patting it. She activated her Omni-tool and swept it over Shepard. After a moment, she nodded. "We can take that tube out." She leaned in slightly. "Is it okay if I do that?"

Shepard looked to Garrus, who nodded. "Dr. Chakwas has gotten us through a lot. You can trust her."

The Commander looked over and nodded at the doctor, her brow furrowing in a thoughtful frown as if she had something she wanted to say. Chakwas undid the straps holding the tube in place.

"This isn’t going to be pleasant, but I want you to give me a good strong cough." She nodded and pulled. Shepard gagged and sputtered as it came out, but then let out a long, weary sigh and slumped back against the pillows.

"Thank you," she said, her voice a raspy whisper. She looked up at Garrus. "It's okay, you can let me go." She coughed weakly for a second, then reached up and pressed her hand to his cheek. "You look exhausted. Sit. I'm okay. Was just a bit of a shock waking up."

Looking over at the doctor, Shepard cleared her throat. "Your name is Karin, right?"

"That's right, Commander. What else do you remember?"

Shepard shook her head. "Garrus. Ummm... saying goodbye, I think." She gripped his hand. "You were hurt, so I sent you away on the _Normandy_. Then... nothing." She lifted her left hand. "It's not mine, is it?"

"You were very badly hurt, Shepard." Dr. Chakwas lifted her hip onto the side of the bed and took Shepard's artificial hand in both of hers. "Your left arm and right leg were dead, gangrenous, so the surgeons amputated them and replaced them with prosthetics. How is the sensation in your fingers?" She touched the tips of each one.

"Dull, like it's asleep, but my leg feels like the blankets are prickling it." Shepard wriggled it a little, flexing her foot, then jolted a little. "Yeah, definitely a little too sensitive down there." She held her hand up, turning it, making fists, then shook her head as if she couldn't quite comprehend what had happened to her. Her hand moved to her throat, rubbing it. "Can I get something to drink?"

Dr. Chakwas turned to the herd of doctors pouring over a readout monitor. "We need a cup of ice, please. That will take one of you. The rest... out." She watched them for a moment. "Now!"

"Go," the white-haired doctor told them, nodding at the door.

A moment later, a young doctor returned and set a cup of ice on the table next to the bed. Shepard gave him a nod of thanks and fished one out, popping it into her mouth.

Shepard remained silent so long that Garrus thought she might have gone back to sleep. "You were hurt bad," she said at last. "I called _Normandy_. We argued about you leaving. I told you I loved you and ran. There was a bright light..." She shook her head and coughed. "What happened to me? Why can't I remember anything?"

"Don't push yourself too hard," Dr. Chakwas said. "You've been in a coma for four months."

Liara stepped to the foot of Shepard’s bed and smiled. “Matriarch Dilinaga wrote that at the moment of our deaths, we take only that which is most important, most precious with us. For you, that was Garrus. Now that you’re back, the rest is waiting.”

Garrus watched Shepard stare at Liara, seeing her trying to fit pieces together.

Finally Shepard nodded, a slight smile lifting the corner of her mouth. “You’re Liara?”

Liara ducked her head in a slight nod. “I’m very tired. I think I’ll go rest.” She smiled at Shepard. “Welcome back, Commander.”

Shepard nodded, then looked to Garrus. "I’ve been asleep for four months? You been waiting all this time?"

He held her hand between both of his, stroking the back of it gently. "No, Shepard. The _Normandy_ just made it back to Earth this morning."

She put an ice chip in her mouth, sucking on it for a moment, her brow furrowing, her body tensing. He knew that the fear was kicking her fight instinct into overdrive again, and he couldn't blame her. Waking up with almost no memory, being told that months had passed while she slept, and everything people said just making her confusion worse... it had to be terrifying. He just prayed that she didn't remember what had happened to her while she was unconscious.

"Shepard," he said, standing and bending over her. "Shepard, look into my eyes." He reached up to touch her cheek. "You trust me."

"Of course, Garrus. You're my other half." She smiled and laid her hand over his.

"Then trust me now. You're safe. Your memory will come back. You've just got to take it easy and rest." He could see her doing her best to calm herself and gave her a turian smile. He kissed her and she leaned up, pressing into the kiss, her free hand lifting to caress the arch of his neck.

"Mmm," he sighed in a low rumble, "I've missed that."

"Why?" she asked, coughing as her voice rasped. "Why did the _Normandy_ leave?"

"Do you remember the Reapers, Shepard?"

She shook her head. "Reapers?"

Garrus looked to Dr. Chakwas and the white-haired doctor, not sure what, if anything, he should say.

"Commander," Karin said, taking Shepard's hand. "You need to rest. Your memory will come back."

"You've been a good friend to me," Shepard continued, her eyes closing and her brow furrowing again as if she were digging through her mind to find the memories. "You insisted on going back to Earth with me, even though you could have faced court martial."

Chakwas deactivated her omnitool. "As you've been to me, dear friend." She smiled. "See, your memory is returning already. Get some sleep. I imagine that Garrus will be staying to keep an eye on you."

Garrus nodded. Exhausted as he was, there was no way he was leaving her.

"Good. I'll be back in a little while." The doctor patted Shepard's shoulder, then turned and left.

"Welcome back, Commander," the white-haired doctor said, giving her a wide smile. "A lot of people have been praying for you for a long time."

Shepard raised her hand, giving the doctor's a squeeze when he took it. "Thank you for saving me, doctor." The effort to talk cost her a coughing spell. When it passed, she sank into her pillows, taking another ice cube to suck on.

"I'm going to walk the doctors out, Shepard. I'll be right back. You okay for a minute?" Garrus stood.

"Yeah. I'm okay. Don't worry." She patted his arm. "I'll be here when you get back."

Garrus took the white-haired doctor by the elbow, leading him from the room. He shut the door behind them, giving Shepard a comforting smile as he did.

"Mr. Vakarian?" the doctor asked, his voice tensing as Garrus's hand clamped down on his arm.

"We need to speak somewhere privately." Garrus pulled him across the waiting room and into the men's room. The door slammed back against the wall, making the doctor yelp a little. He struggled, yanking back against Garrus's hand, but couldn't break the turian's grip. Garrus pulled him around, slamming his back into the wall. Grabbing two fistfuls of lab coat, he lifted the screeching doctor off the floor.

"Mr. Vakarian! Control yourself!"

Garrus leaned in. "Do you know what that woman went through all these months because of you? She has been ripped apart over and over and over in a nightmarish hell this entire time. The man she respected and loved as a father pulled her leg from her body, ripped it away." He shuddered. "I hope you never hear anyone scream the way I had to listen to the woman I love scream today."

"We didn't know!" He squirmed, whole body flailing helplessly in Garrus's hands.

"That's a convenient excuse. You will not set foot in her room again as long as she’s here. Is that understood?"

The washroom door opened. "Garrus." Dr. Chakwas’ voice was calm. "I understand why you're upset. Liara told me about the hell Shepard was trapped in, but this won't help her." Karin laid her hand on his shoulder. "Go hold her, comfort her. She needs you right now. Not this."

Garrus gave the surgeon a final shake, then dropped him. He looked at Chakwas, not caring about the tears that ran down his face. "She's been living that for months. I didn't even know what I was looking at when they were done with her."

"But now she's out of it. You got her back. Go take care of her." She patted his arm and gave him a gentle smile. "Go on." Her smile widened. "Shake it off. You got her back, and she needs you."

He took a deep breath and turned on his heel, stalking from the room.

Shepard was popping another ice cube in her mouth when he walked in. He stopped just inside the door and just looked at her. She smiled and held out her hand, giving him that little nod of her head that she used to call him over.

"Your hair is so long," he said, feeling stupid as soon as the words left his mouth.

She chuckled, then started to cough.

"That tube really messed with your throat." He walked over to the side of her bed.

Shepard nodded. "Feels like I've been drinking acid. Guess that's what I get for laying around for so long. That and long hair." She patted the bed beside her. "Sit. Stop fussing for a moment."

He did as she asked, sitting on the edge, his thigh pressed against hers. She jerked a little, and he frowned. "How do you feel? Are you in any pain?"

She shook her head and took his hands in hers. "No, no pain, but the sensitivity on that leg needs to get turned down. That, and I've got a lot of blank space on my hard drive. It feels a little better having had memories of Karin return, though."

"Yeah, the rest is there."

She lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it. "How are you? You look wiped out."

He nodded. "A little."

"You should get some sleep." She coughed and reached for another ice cube.

"I will." His mandibles fluttered. "I've spent four months waiting to see you again. I want to enjoy it for a bit."

She smiled, her eyes drifting closed. "Then get up here, and kiss me, Vakarian."

"Yes ma'am." He leaned over the bed and kissed her, savouring the feeling of her lips, her scent, the silkiness of her hair as he ran his hand over it. "I missed you, Shepard," he whispered against her lips. "Don't ever leave me again. Got it?"

She kissed him. "Got it." She pulled back a little. "We were in London, in a wrecked building. Water dripped down through the ceiling. You said something about seeing what a human/turian baby would look like." She smiled and stroked his neck, her arm slipping around him to pull him into a tight embrace. "I love you, Garrus."

He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her, silently cursing the obstacle of his armour. "I can't do this without you, Shepard."

She chuckled. "Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course."

He laughed and eased her back onto her pillows. "No, definitely not as stylishly." He kissed her, then stared into her eyes. His hand cradled her neck, his thumb caressing her cheek. He gave her a turian smile. "Get some sleep. You can kiss me some more when you wake up."

She reached up to stroke her hand over his scars. "I'll never get enough of that." She pressed her hand to his face. After a moment of looking into his eyes, she frowned. "I'm so sorry, Garrus."

He shook his head, turning to nuzzle the palm of her hand. "For what?"

"For causing all the pain that you're trying to hide." She ran her fingers over his face, tracing its contours.

His mandibles dropped, and he cleared his throat, his eyes burning again. "You can make it up to me over the next seventy or so cycles. Deal?"

She nodded. "Deal.” She wriggled over on the bed and patted the spot next to her. “Now get your butt up here "


	7. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooooome on, can't a woman just get some sleep?

**February 10, 2187**

 

Shepard dreamed. Strange, disconnected, terrifying images flashed before her. She said goodbye to Garrus, turned from the _Normandy _and ran. Machines taller than the tallest skyscrapers roared, their massive, red lasers cutting swath after swath across her path. Men and tanks flew from the ground like paper in a hurricane, bursting into flames. Screaming, explosions, and the horrible roar of the lasers all tore into her mind like madness, but she held tight to her purpose, her eyes focused on the beam of light on the other side of the destruction. She needed to get to the beam. It was her only hope of stopping the machines.__

__One of the lasers tore into the ground in front of her. She dove to the side, but too late. The world exploded into fire and pain, and then darkness._ _

__When the darkness drew back, she found herself on the bench in the forest. Like every other time, the shadows appeared, closing in, hunting her from just out of sight. Like every other time, she ran, using her skills to hide and evade, but just like every other time, the lightning hit, the ground reached up to hold her, and the agony began. However, when the tearing hands left her lying in pieces on the ground, the blessed relief of darkness did not descend. Instead, a man stepped out of the forest._ _

__"Help me," she whispered, reaching her hand toward him. He wore a white lab coat and scrubs, taunting her with the possibility of salvation ... of healing. "Doctor? Help me."_ _

__He knelt in the leaves by her head, his hands feeling underneath her head, following the ridge where her skull ended and her neck began. "It's got to be here," he mumbled. "Said it was right above the first cervical...."_ _

__He pressed a syringe to her neck, and the pain bled away. She sighed with relief. "Thank--" Before she could get the second word past her lips, he flipped her onto her stomach and started shaving her head._ _

__"Wait!" The sound of electric clippers stopped. She felt pressure on the back of her head, but no pain._ _

__"Where is it?" the man muttered._ _

__"What are you looking for?" Shepard asked. The forest floor disappeared, her face mashed into sheets rather than leaves, twigs and loam. Terror bloomed in her chest. "It's a dream," she whispered to herself, labouring to breath as her pillow pressed into her nose and mouth. She struggled to move, to turn her head or lift a hand, but paralysis made her helpless. "It's a dream," she repeated. "It's just a dream."_ _

__"Do you realize that you aren't even human anymore?" he asked._ _

__"Of course I am. Who are you? What are you doing to me?" The pillow muffled her voice, making what came out unintelligible._ _

__Loud banging from the other side of her door tore away her last hope of waking and looking over to see Garrus sleeping in the chair next to her bed. She closed her eyes, trying to get either hand to respond. The prosthetic twitched a little._ _

__"Shepard!" Garrus bellowed from the other side of the door._ _

__The man pulled her pillow out from under her head, revealing himself a little in her peripheral vision. Just like in the dream, he wore a white smock and surgical scrubs._ _

__"You're a doctor, and I am human. Don't do this."_ _

__"Oh, but you aren't. I've seen inside you. Every inch of you is covered in the Cerberus logo." He rapped a knuckle on the back of her skull. "Up here, you're all Reaper." He chuckled, a sound rife with mania. "The last surviving Reaper tech. How did you do that?"_ _

__Shepard concentrated on her hand, trying to break free of the paralysis, but then he rapped her head again._ _

__"How did you survive, when all your Reaper brothers died?"_ _

__"I'm not a Reaper."_ _

__"Cerberus based your implants on Reaper tech. Yet, somehow, they managed to shield this little baby enough to keep the Crucible from frying it." Pressure, fingers poking at what she prayed was the outside of her head._ _

__"Cerberus saved my life, but I'm still human. I have to be, otherwise, I'd be dead."_ _

__"You are an abomination!" he screamed. He whipped a pistol out from behind his back, shoving the muzzle into her temple. He wore gloves, the fingers crimson with blood. She watched his hand twitch for what felt like hours, but then he shoved the gun into the pocket of his smock._ _

__"Shepard!" The banging from the other side of the door deepened. Why couldn't Garrus just get through? "Come on, big guy," she grumbled. "Put your back into it."_ _

__She pushed away thoughts of rescue, her stare focused on the gory smear down the white pocket. A madman's fingers played inside her head; waiting for rescue would get her killed._ _

__"Did you work for Cerberus?" she asked, struggling to keep the tremor out of her voice. She packed down the fear, putting a lid on it. Fear would also get her killed. "Are you angry that I destroyed them?"_ _

__"No, I didn't work for Cerberus, you did." His movements sped up, his hands starting to shake. "I sent my family to Sanctuary." As he said the words, a sob broke through. "Do you know what Cerberus did to them there? They turned them into monsters."_ _

__Shepard searched her memory, not finding anything. "I'm sorry about your family. Cerberus is gone now. I destroyed them."_ _

__"No!" He jabbed at her head. "You're still here. Damn..." He spun toward the door as the crashing rose in pitch, the door starting to give way. "Got to set... He said that... ah, here."_ _

__Shepard managed to get her left hand clenched into a fist. The drugs were wearing off a little. "I was never part of Cerberus. I needed their ship and their people to defeat the Collectors, but then I told the Illusive Man to go to hell." The doctor winced, and she changed tactics, not wanting to push him. "What's your name?"_ _

__He hesitated, his hands lifting for a moment. "Dr. Mathias Caan."_ _

__"Mathias, when the Collectors destroyed the _Normandy _, I ended up spaced. I died." Although unsure where the words came from, Shepard discovered the memories appearing along with them. "A friend gave my body to Cerberus because the Illusive Man said that he could bring me back. I didn't ask for them to do this to me, and they certainly never controlled me."___ _

____The banging on the door stopped, but she didn't hear any footsteps, nor any indication that they'd gotten the door open. She pushed it away. _Talk the madman down. Try to regain movement. Focus.__ _ _ _

____She sighed. "Mathias, would your family want you to become a murderer? Would that help them rest easier?"_ _ _ _

____"Murderer?" He went back to work. "I'm not going to murder you, Shepard. I'm a surgeon. I heal, not kill. You're the killer. You've been found guilty, Shepard."_ _ _ _

____"Of what, Mathias? I destroyed the Illusive Man and Cerberus. I killed the people who murdered your family." She clenched and released her hand over and over, keeping the movement slow so as to not alert him. "Does that make me a murderer?"_ _ _ _

____His body shook. "No. Not going to listen. There, that will have to do."_ _ _ _

____He pulled back, and bent over to look into her eyes. His face contorted with grief and madness, his eyes shone red and limpid, but not shedding any tears. After two seconds of staring back, she knew that he'd moved far past tears. A dead man stared at her, just one who hadn't stopped long enough to fall down. He turned her head so that she could see him clearly._ _ _ _

____"Mathias, I'm so sorry about your family. If I'd known, I would have tried..."_ _ _ _

____He shook his head and pulled the pistol from his pocket again. "No. My wife was pregnant with my third child. My parents went with her to help with the kids when the baby came." He backed up, the pistol aimed at her face, but shaking so hard that she knew any shot had an excellent chance of missing._ _ _ _

____Shepard heard a huge crash, followed by a moment of frozen silence. Mathias turned toward the door, then smiled and raised the pistol to his head. "Stephanie, I'm coming." He looked down, meeting Shepard's eyes again. "Your sentence is life."_ _ _ _

____Shepard closed her eyes as a warm spray of blood, bone and brains splattered over her. She sighed, partly from relief, partly from regret. Sometimes peace came hard and messy and in darkness._ _ _ _

____Gentle hands touched her face, her body still too numb to feel anything more than pressure. Opening her eyes, she looked into Garrus', taking comfort from the worry and love staring back at her._ _ _ _

____"Are you okay?" His hand stroked her shoulder, his eyes looking to the back of her head enough to let her know Mathias had messed her up._ _ _ _

____"Garrus, step back."_ _ _ _

____Shepard let out a long breath of relief as Karin's voice cut through the background chatter._ _ _ _

____The doctor replaced Garrus in Shepard's vision. "How are you doing, Commander?"_ _ _ _

____"Numb and paralysed, Doc. Also pretty sure someone's been playing in my brain. Other than that, can't really complain."_ _ _ _

____The doctor gave her a wry smile and shook her head. "You just can't manage to keep yourself out of trouble, can you?"_ _ _ _

____"Hey, I was sleeping. I didn't do anything," Shepard protested._ _ _ _

____"Well, you're going back to sleep for the moment. We'll get you sorted in no time."_ _ _ _

____Shepard looked for Garrus, finding him standing back in a corner, watching her with a look she found hard to decipher, particularly once someone pressed a syringe to her neck and sleep swallowed her whole._ _ _ _

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _ _ _

____Her dreams hunted her. She ran, knowing that she deserved their wrath, but unable to find the courage to stop, turn and face her judgement._ _ _ _

____Jolting awake, gasping, Shepard searched the room, scanning the dark corners for any sign of those who hunted her. When she saw Garrus sleeping slumped back in the chair beside her bed, she let out her breath in a long, but sad sigh. He'd protected her from them, bringing her back to her life. Given a chance, he would protect her from them forever, even though she didn't deserve it._ _ _ _

____She reached up to touch the back of her head, exploring the bald patch, her fingertips finding a shallow ridge of scar tissue. Damn. What next? Amputations, unwanted brain surgery... if she didn't get out soon, the hospital was going to kill her._ _ _ _

____Laying back, Shepard watched Garrus sleep, her mind scanning the blank and murky spaces in her memory. Even after being awake three days, she remembered so little. She knew she loved Garrus--felt it with a certainty that scared her a little-but when she tried to remember him, everything remained patchy and unclear. She remembered meeting him, but other than respect for a dedicated C-Sec officer, she'd felt nothing. After he joined her crew, the memories centred around being annoyed and frustrated with him._ _ _ _

____Next to her bed, he shifted in his chair, stretching. A memory bubbled to the surface. _She laid in her bed on the_ Normandy _, wrapped tight against him. A feeling of complete safety cocooned her as he shifted, stretching then curling in tighter, nuzzling her even as he slept.__ _ _ _

____"Are you staring at me again?"_ _ _ _

____Shepard smiled at the sleepy murmur and nodded. "Yep."_ _ _ _

____He straightened and reached out to take her hand. "Why aren't you sleeping? It's got to be the middle of the night."_ _ _ _

____She scooted over against the railing on the side of her bed and patted the mattress next to her. "I've gotten used to sleeping with someone's arms around me." She nodded toward the empty half of the bed. "Come on, get your butt up here."_ _ _ _

____He shook his head. "There's no room in that bed for my armour."_ _ _ _

____"Vakarian, I don't care if you have a mako strapped to your ass." She grinned. "Get your butt up here."_ _ _ _

____He grumbled, but stood and walked around the bed. "You're going to regret it when you have this crushing you." He grabbed the yoke of his armour._ _ _ _

____"Maybe, but I doubt it."_ _ _ _

____He sat on the edge of the bed, then carefully rolled over, settling himself so that the ridge down the center of his chest was against the mattress._ _ _ _

____Once he stopped fidgeting, Shepard tucked herself in against him. "Mmm, better."_ _ _ _

____Draping his arm over her, he rubbed her back. "So, why aren't you sleeping? Bad dreams?"_ _ _ _

____She nodded and closed her eyes. "That, and crazy people sneaking into my room to cut open my head to get to the Reapers inside." She shook her head. "What the hell, Garrus?"_ _ _ _

____He hugged her. "He waited until Liara went to the bathroom. The guards at the door knew he was one of your doctors, so they let him right through. Liara tried to get back in and couldn't, so she called in the troops." He nuzzled her brow. "I shouldn't have left you."_ _ _ _

____A soft smile touched her lips and she looked up to kiss him. "Even you have to use the washroom from time to time, big guy." She sighed. "He was crazy. No one could have seen that coming. Did Karin find anything wrong inside my head?"_ _ _ _

____His mandibles fluttered in a small smile. "No, just the usual amount of crazy. She said he went right for a small node that controls some of your other implants, but she and the techs ran tests and said it's working fine. We must have broken in before he could do whatever it was he planned to do. Hackett has Bailey turning his life upside down. Hopefully, he'll find something to make sense of it."_ _ _ _

____He rubbed her neck, easing her back to sleep. "What about the dreams, Shepard? Still people chasing you?"_ _ _ _

____She curled in tighter, not caring when his armour dug into her. "I did something terrible, Garrus. I don't know what it is, but I feel it bearing down on me. There's a reason they're so hungry for vengeance."_ _ _ _

____"I can't believe you'd do anything terrible, Shepard. At least not without a damned good reason. Whatever it was, we'll get through it. We always do." He kissed her again. "Try to get some sleep. I've got you."_ _ _ _

____She smiled. "Yeah. You do."_ _ _ _

____Swallowing her sorrow and fear, she forced the tears from her eyes. Even with her patchy memory, she felt deep in her gut that Garrus needed her to be okay. She kissed his nose. Whether drowning in madness, dream or reality, she could find a way to be okay, find a way to give him what he needed ... a Shepard who'd led the galaxy to victory and strode out of the flames, strong and ready to get on with life._ _ _ _

____At least, for as long as it lasted._ _ _ _

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _ _ _

____Shepard ran through the trees, turning to look over her shoulder every few strides. They remained behind her, she could feel them tracking her, slipping through the shadows just out of sight._ _ _ _

____"Stand and face them, Shepard. Stop running."_ _ _ _

____She shook her head. She couldn't. Not because she feared what they would do to her, but because she feared the truth. She couldn't face what she'd done. The galaxy had turned to her to save them. They'd given her that responsibility, and then she'd taken that power and done something terrible with it. If she stopped running, she'd remember and have to live with it forever._ _ _ _

____Shepard jerked to a halt. Strings tied to her arms and legs stopped her so quickly that she fell, or would have if the strings hadn't held her upright, despite her limbs jerking out from under her. Looking up, she saw the Illusive Man looming over her, his face peeling away from the machine underneath. His fingers gripped crossed sticks, and he laughed as he tilted them back and forth, making her dance._ _ _ _

____"You'll stop running because I said to stop running, Shepard. I pull your strings." He danced her out of the trees onto a stage. The audience booed as she appeared._ _ _ _

____The surgeon, Mathias, and his family stepped up to the edge of the stage. Their faces were the stuff of nightmares, all of them half way transformed into husks. "Make her really dance," Mathias called. "Make her dance for all of those she left behind." He waved his hand toward the endless seats stretching out as far as her eye could see. "All these lives she wasn't fast enough to save."_ _ _ _

____"All the lives she sacrificed," a familiar voice called._ _ _ _

____Shepard spun around on her strings. Anderson walked out onto the stage, his gait a loose, bouncing shamble as he dangled from strings held in the Illusive Man's other hand._ _ _ _

____"Anderson? No. I tried to stop him. I couldn't... I didn't have any control."_ _ _ _

____Anderson stopped, his knees sagging toward one another, his arms akimbo. "Of course you did, Shepard. You freed yourself a few minutes later, didn't you?" His head flopped off to one side, rolling back and forth a little. "But then again, I suppose it's too much to hope that you would react like a human. You're as much a machine as a Reaper."_ _ _ _

____"No." Struggling, gasping frantic, desperate curses, she ripped at the strings that held her, breaking one hand free. "No, I'm human."_ _ _ _

____"How could you be human?" Joker's voice called from out in the crowd. She turned to the seats, but lights shone in her eyes, and he was only a shadow moving in front of them. "How could you be human, Shepard, after everyone you've killed? Millions and millions of innocent lives gone in an instant."_ _ _ _

____Shepard tore at the string holding her other hand. "I don't understand. Who did I kill?" She broke loose and reached for Anderson as the Illusive Man danced him closer, keeping him just out of her reach._ _ _ _

____Joker laughed and began to applaud. "Who did you kill? Bravo. Best performance in a comedy. Give Shepard her award, people."_ _ _ _

____The lights died down, revealing row after row of seats filled with Geth, their chassis smashed, their lights broken, flickering, hanging loose. EDI stood, her body just as destroyed as those of the Geth. She walked down the aisle toward the stage, clapping slowly. When she reached Shepard, she stopped and pulled a pistol, aiming it at Shepard's head._ _ _ _

____"Why, Shepard?" the AI asked. "You taught me what it meant to be alive and then tore that life from my grasp. Love, happiness, meaning ... endless possibilities awaited me." She slowly turned the gun from Shepard, aiming it at Anderson. "Instead, you bought your victory with my life – with all our lives."_ _ _ _

____"No, EDI, please. I ..." Shepard fought to get loose, to throw herself between Anderson and the gun, but the strings held fast._ _ _ _

____"You do not get to rest easy after what you have done, Shepard. You should have died with us." She pulled the trigger._ _ _ _

____Shepard broke free and leaped forward, but Anderson slumped in his strings before she could intercede. She fell to her knees. "I would have, EDI. I thought I was going to."_ _ _ _

____"But you did not."_ _ _ _

____"No, EDI, please!" Shepard bolted upright in her bed, her cry still echoing off the walls of her hospital room. She searched the room for something, anything familiar, the broken, flickering lights of the shattered Geth still before her eyes._ _ _ _

____"Shepard?"_ _ _ _

____She jumped, a yelp of terror escaping as a hand touched her shoulder. Spinning around, expecting to see EDI reaching out for her, she gasped with relief when she saw Garrus watching her, frowning with concern._ _ _ _

____"I killed them all, Garrus." She threw back the blankets and struggled with the railing on the side of the bed, sobbing frustrated, frantic curses before finally wrestling it free and rolling out of bed onto shaky legs. "I killed them all."_ _ _ _

____Garrus stood and walked around the bed, but she backed away from him, her hands held out to keep him at arm's length. She didn't deserve to be comforted. She stumbled a few steps one direction, then back,hampered by the wires still attached to a bank of monitors. Images of EDI and the shattered Geth played over and over in her head, threatening to overwhelm her even as she tried to escape the sorrow and guilt._ _ _ _

____"Oh Joker..." She slumped to her knees on the cold tile floor. "Oh god, forgive me... Joker, I'm so sorry."_ _ _ _

____Garrus crouched next to her. "Shepard. What's wrong?"_ _ _ _

____She looked up into his kind, worried face, the pain feeling as though it should crack her chest in two. "I killed them, Garrus. EDI, the Geth... I sacrificed them for peace. I killed them because I didn't know if I was incorruptible enough or wise enough to choose the other paths."_ _ _ _

____"You remember what happened on the Citadel?" He wrapped an arm around her._ _ _ _

____She nodded._ _ _ _

____"Come on, get back up in bed, and we'll talk about it." He lifted her onto her feet._ _ _ _

____"No!" She reached under her hospital gown and tore off the tags monitoring her vitals and prosthesis. Free from all the hospital equipment, she snatched the blanket off her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders as she headed to the door. She needed air. She needed to be moving. She'd been still for far too long._ _ _ _

____"Shepard," Garrus called, taking hold of her arm. "You just had someone cutting into your head. Get back into bed."_ _ _ _

____"No." She wrenched her arm loose. "I need to... I..." She ran out of the room, racing down two corridors before slowing._ _ _ _

____Garrus followed right behind her as she padded through the hospital, her bare feet making slight smacking sounds on the cold tile. She found the front door, and passed by the protesting security guard, pushing out into the chill, damp night air. The cement was wet under her feet, shining in the moonlight from an earlier rain. The air almost smelled sweet but for a faint waft of death and decay that sneaked along, hiding under the breeze. At least London lay quiet under the pale moon, no smoke rising from countless fires, no constant thunder of gunfire._ _ _ _

____She turned toward Big Ben, the landmark looking like she felt –- still standing, but not at all whole. The corpse of a capital Reaper laid just beyond it, its legs curled against its belly like a giant dead roach. Above that, the Citadel shone like a star at the end of the beam, a horrific mockery of the Star of Bethlehem._ _ _ _

____Garrus stepped up beside her, saying nothing as she surveyed the windowless buildings, their forms standing out like shattered bones._ _ _ _

____She shook her head. "It could have all been a dream except for this." She set out, walking away from the buildings. "Last time I was here, everywhere I went, everyone just kept saying what a hero I was, going on about the hope I gave to others." She let out a bitter, coughing laugh. "God, I hated that. Why me? What gave me the right to make all those decisions for everyone? I'm no smarter, no more evolved. I was just the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time, and because of that EDI and the Geth are all dead."_ _ _ _

____"Tell me what happened, Shepard." Garrus wrapped his arm around her, not leading her, just offering support and comfort._ _ _ _

____Shepard laid it all out, everything that the dream had brought back. From arriving on the Citadel, to the Illusive Man, to meeting the Catalyst and the choices it had laid out before her. Garrus just listened in silence._ _ _ _

____"I thought that controlling them was the best option, but then I looked at the Catalyst and wondered if, in a hundred thousand or a million years, I might lose perspective, lose my connection to humanity and emotion so completely that I became like it." She leaned into his side a little. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and I couldn't take the chance that I might make similar decisions given enough time and separation."_ _ _ _

____"And the third option, synthesis?"_ _ _ _

____She shook her head. "I'm not God, Garrus. Am I wise enough to impose evolution, especially something so radical, on every life form in the galaxy? Did the Catalyst know for certain that synthesis is the final evolution of life? Had the cosmos whispered in its ear to say that one day every living thing would be part machine, part organic?"_ _ _ _

____Shepard sighed and walked in silence for a moment before continuing. "Our entire war against the Reapers was about being free to choose our destinies as individuals and as races. How could I end that war by stealing everyone's free will from them in the name of some questionable evolution?"_ _ _ _

____"A lot to think about as badly wounded as you were," Garrus said, his voice soft._ _ _ _

____Shepard felt the millions of dead pressing in on her from all sides, the barrel of EDI’s gun following her like a promise that one day, Shepard would feel their vengeance. "I just had to hope that with what we've learned from the Geth and EDI that when we recreate them, we can do it all better. That way, if synthesis is truly the final evolution of life, we get there naturally, in our own time."_ _ _ _

____Garrus’s grip on her tightened a little. "But meanwhile, EDI and the Geth die along with the Reapers."_ _ _ _

____"Yes." Shepard stopped and looked up at him. "According to the Catalyst, I was supposed to die too." She shook her head and leaned into him. "And here I am. All I can do is hope that there is enough forgiveness in the universe to cover all the innocent lives I stole. Do you think that, if there is a God, it can forgive a sin this big, Garrus?"_ _ _ _

____He hugged her tight against him. "I don't think that's the important question, Shepard. The question is, can you find a way to forgive yourself? Can you believe that you made the best choice you could under the circumstances, and then let them go?"_ _ _ _

____Shepard shook her head. "I don't know, Garrus. I really don't know." She looked around. "Where are we?"_ _ _ _

____"We've just about lapped our way back around to the hospital." He led her over to a bench and sat, using a corner of her blanket to dry the seat before holding out his arm, inviting her to sit next to him._ _ _ _

____Shepard sat, tucking her feet up behind her, covering them with the blanket before curling up against his side. She sighed and closed her eyes, resting her head in the angle between his armour's yoke and shoulder guard. He wrapped his arm around her and she smiled, loving the way that his embrace felt like a protective wall that could keep the entire galaxy at bay if need be._ _ _ _

____"No one in the galaxy is going to condemn you for the decision you made, Shepard," Garrus said after several minutes of silence._ _ _ _

____"Joker..." Shepard's throat closed on the rest of the sentence._ _ _ _

____"Not even Joker. It was an impossible decision, and you had five minutes to decide. You knew for certain that destroying the Reapers would end the war and save billions more lives than were lost. I can't even imagine how someone faces a moment like that." He rubbed her back.  
"Tomorrow, we'll get you back on the _Normandy _, and soon we'll get back out there, strap on our big guns and get back to what we do best."___ _ _ _

______She gave him a wan smile. "Typical. You think everything can be cured with a big enough gun."_ _ _ _ _ _

______He chuckled. "Not everything, but the rest will sort itself out once you are back where you belong."_ _ _ _ _ _

______She pressed closer, wriggling in next to him the best she could with his armour in the way, and closed her eyes. "I am where I belong." She let out a long sigh. "Listen Garrus."_ _ _ _ _ _

______"What am I listening for?"_ _ _ _ _ _

______"The night sounds. Except for the lack of traffic noise, it's like nothing ever happened." A dog barked in the distance as if agreeing with her._ _ _ _ _ _

______As they sat there, the night still and comforting, Shepard succumbed to her heavy eyelids and fell asleep, waking only for a moment as Garrus lifted her in his arms to carry her back inside._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Trust you to save 99.9% of the galaxy," she heard him whisper softly as he tucked her back into bed, "and torture yourself over the .1% you couldn't."_ _ _ _ _ _


	8. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home sweet Normandy

**February 11, 2187**

Shepard awoke the next morning to a herd of doctors and officers milling about her room.

"We need to get her out of here and back to the _Normandy_. We can control her security there." Garrus said, his voice firm enough that she knew he would not take no for an answer. "Her memory is coming back. She remembered what happened with the Crucible, and it’s not going to be an easy thing to live with."

Shepard sat up. "Nor should it be." She took Garrus's hand as he returned to her side, gave him a determined smile and braced herself for another day. "So, what's the verdict, Doc? Can I get out of here and back to the _Normandy_?"

Dr. Chakwas nodded. "I don't see why not." She smiled. "Your implants have healed you right up. Except for a slight scar at the base of your skull, I wouldn’t know anything happened. Physically, you're as healthy as the day you left the ship, and it seems that the rest is coming back just fine. You'll have to check in with me morning and night for the first few days. There's going to be months of mandatory counselling, Shepard. Even after you're reinstated."

Shepard threw the blankets back and slid out of the bed. "I can do that. Hell, there aren't many conditions you could place on me right now that I wouldn't agree with. I need to move, get my strength back, sleep in my own bed."

"You won't be getting back out there until Dr. Chakwas signs off on you, Shepard," Hackett said. "Consider yourself on medical leave." He nodded as if concluding some debate in his head. "I'll contact you in a day or two to set up a time for a debriefing on what happened up there, Commander. I don't think we need anything down for the record, but I'd like to know for myself."

She nodded. "Very well, sir."

He gave her a tight smile. "It's damned good to have you back, Shepard."

Shepard forced a smile. "It's good to be back, sir. Thank you." She watched him leave, then turned to Garrus. "I need clothes. I don't think the hospital gown makes the fashion statement I'm going for."

"Liara will be here in a moment with everything you need."

Dr. Chakwas nodded for Shepard to sit up on her bed. "Take a seat for a moment so I can do a couple of scans. How's the arm and leg?"

Shepard did as she was told. "Fake, but operational." She flexed both. "It's weird, doc. They feel like they belong and don't at the same time."

"That's natural. They're the best prosthetics I've ever seen, Shepard. The biofeedback system is amazing, so in time, you should forget they're even there." She turned back to her omni-tool.

"Getting back aboard the _Normandy_ isn't going to make everything okay, Shepard," Garrus said, his voice soft enough to not carry beyond the three of them.

"Yeah, I know. Trust me, it's there, Garrus. It's not going anywhere, but sitting in here staring at these white walls will just drive me crazy. At least on the _Normandy_ , James can whip me into shape like he did while I was in lock up." She frowned. "I don't suppose anyone named Beth has been around to see me?"

Garrus shook his head. "Not that I know of."

"She was one of my guards while I was in Vancouver. Great person. I just sort of hoped..." Shepard sighed and turned to Chakwas. "Well, Doc? Clear to go?"

"As soon as you have clothing, you can leave." The doctor turned off her omnitool. "I'll see you on board to discuss your mandatory counselling time and rehab schedule, Commander." Chakwas turned to leave, walked a couple of steps, then turned back.

"What is it, Doc?"

"Neither one of us is much for grandiose displays of affection."

Shepard nodded. "True enough." She winked, but inside, doubt chuckled at her, questioning if she knew who or even what she was any more. She pushed it aside.

Chakwas returned to the bed, stared at Shepard for a moment, then wrapped her in a tight hug. The doctor started to say something, but then Shepard hugged her back, and she just nodded, let go, and walked out.

"That was unexpected," Garrus said and cleared his throat.

"Indeed."

Liara walked in, carrying a travel bag. "Here you go, Shepard. I brought a t-shirt and sweatsuit rather than a uniform. I hope that's okay."

Shepard smiled and started pulling clothes out. "Perfect, Liara. Thanks."

"Then I'll see you on the _Normandy_." She smiled and hurried out.

"Hey... Liara!" Shepard called, but the asari was gone. She frowned. "That was weird."

Shepard slipped panties and her bra on under her gown, then shrugged it off. She turned to fish through the bag again, a slow smile spreading across her face as she felt Garrus step up behind her. A delicious, nervous ache settled in her chest, her heart fluttering as his hand slipped between her thighs, running up the inside of the prosthetic.

"Mmmm," he said, leaning in to nuzzle the curve of her neck. "Can barely tell where it ends."

Shepard chuckled, but tilted her head off to the side as he nuzzled her shoulder. "This is hardly the place to get frisky, Vakarian."

"Yeah?"

She laughed. "I think you can control yourself until we make it back to the _Normandy_."

He sighed. "Probably. No guarantees."

She turned and grabbed his yoke in both hands, standing on tiptoe to kiss him. "Behave, or we're going to have hospital personnel gossiping about how creepy and perverted we are."

He slipped his arms around her. "Just taking a minute to appreciate something I didn't think I'd get to do again."

She kissed him again, then pulled away and slipped on her clothes. "Come on, let's get a move on before I let you tempt me and someone walks in on us rolling mostly naked all over the room."  
Shepard walked out of her room into a small waiting room.

"Look, she really is awake," someone whispered. "That's a good thing, so why do I feel like I just lost my best friend?"

"I know that voice," Shepard whispered under her breath and looked around the waiting room. The only two people sitting there were an asari and a male human, neither of whom she recognized.

"Shhh, Mel," the man hissed at her.

Shepard took a couple steps toward them, recognizing the man's voice as well. "Hi," she said. "Do I know the two of you?" She sighed, her brow furrowing as she tried to understand the reason for her feeling of familiarity with these two strangers.

"Shepard," Garrus said, "this is Mel and Paul. They were the team who found you on the Citadel and brought you back."

Shepard grinned and walked over, reaching out for their hands. "That's why I know your voices. You sat with me. I heard you reading to me." She sat on the coffee table in front of them. "Thank you both, although yeah, no one should have to suffer through elcor romances... not even coma patients."

Mel laughed. "It was pretty painful. Guess there are just some things we shouldn't know about other races."

"So true. Don't be strangers now that I'm awake, okay? And thank you again for finding me, first of all, then for sticking with me."

"It was a privilege, Commander. Thank you for the fact that we're all still here." Paul squeezed her hand.

Shepard smiled and stood. "I'll see you both later. I have to get back to my ship. Spent far too long asleep." She walked to the door, then turned back. "I mean it. Don't just disappear on me, okay? I'd like to get to spend some time with you where I can answer back."

"Sure thing, Commander," Paul replied.

Shepard nodded and headed out the door. She did her best to ignore the stares and the whispers as she passed people by, appreciating the gratitude but disliking the tone of awe behind most of the voices. The last thing she needed was for the galaxy to pile some sort of messiah complex on her.

She stepped outside into a light, misting rain and smiled as she felt it hit her face. "Mmmm, that feels lovely," she sighed.

"Too cold and damp for my liking," Garrus grumbled.

"It's winter. The year is just beginning." She turned until she spotted the _Normandy_ , her ship sitting on the ground, but seeming weightless, as if poised to take off at any moment.

"Home," Garrus whispered.

She nodded. "For now." She turned to look into his eyes. "But just for now."

He stepped up beside her and pressed his hand between her shoulder blades. As she set out for the ship, his hand slipped down to her waist.

A soft smile touched her lips when she saw her people lined up along the top of the ramp, waiting for her. It was odd to think that she'd missed them when she'd had no awareness of how much time had passed, but she felt it nonetheless.

Shepard looked over at Garrus. "Permission to come aboard, sir?"

He cleared his throat and nodded. "Permission granted."

Shepard stepped up onto the ramp, but only got a few steps before everyone came down to greet her.

"So glad to have you back, ma'am," Cortez said, giving her a salute. "Hasn't felt right without you."

"Thanks Steve, but it's just Shepard for now. Got a bit to get sorted before you need to salute again." She gave him a one armed hug, then turned to James.

"Hey, Lola. You sure have a flare for the dramatic." He chuckled and gave her a playful punch on the shoulder.

"I do what I can." She winked, and turned to give Kaidan a hug.

"Hey, Shepard," he said. He pulled away, his eyes shining. "Glad we didn't lose you again."

She smiled and touched his cheek, hearing the unspoken words. As hard as she was sure it had been on Garrus to leave her behind, it would have hit Kaidan almost as hard.

"Shepard!" Tali threw herself on Shepard as the commander stepped away from Kaidan.

"Tali'Zorah vas Normandy." Shepard hugged the quarian tight and rubbed her back.

"Garrus knew," Tali said without pulling away. "He just knew that you were still alive. I knew he was right."

Shepard gave her a squeeze then pulled away. "I'm the luckiest person in the galaxy to have such amazing friends." She looked into Tali's eyes and laid her hand against the side of her helmet. Smiling, she pulled away and turned to embrace Liara.

"Hey," she said, holding Liara's shoulders. "Thanks for coming after me and bringing me back ... again."

"Always, Shepard. Always," Liara replied, not quite making eye contact.

"You okay, Liara?" Shepard asked, rubbing her friend's arms a little.

Liara nodded. "I'm fine."

"Okay." Shepard hugged her again before pulling back.

The commander stopped at the top of the ramp and looked around. Her family and ship surrounded her once again, and yet nothing was the same. Nothing could ever be the same. She took a deep breath, forced down the guilt and the sorrow and embraced the people who loved her, chatting with them about nothing as they crossed the shuttle bay. This was her reality. They could anchor her here if anything could.

It took her an hour to make it up to her quarters. She paused to talk to every crew member, reacquainting herself with all of them. It was good to see them all looking fit and happy. When she walked into engineering, Gabby and Ken raced up to her, eager to show her Gabby's engagement ring, which Shepard was fairly sure had been made out of a titanium washer.

"I am so happy for the two of you." She gave them both a hug. "Congratulations."

"Thanks, Commander," Gabby replied, glowing. "Turns out he's not so bad once you get him focused."

Shepard grinned and gave Ken a light cuff to the back of the head. "You treat her right. She's worth it."

"Aye Commander, I know it."

Her tour finally complete, Shepard paused at the threshold of her cabin, taking a few deep breaths before activating the door. She stepped inside and shook her head. "It looks like I left this morning." She turned to Garrus. "You haven't been staying up here?

He gave her a noncommittal grunt and passed her, heading down the stairs.

"Why not? You been bunking on a cot in the forward battery again?" She walked over to look in on her hamster.

"There was nothing up here for me but memories." He unfastened the yoke of his armour and lifted it off.

"Yeah, I get that." She pressed her finger against the hamster's habitat. "Hello there little guy."

"I did come up to look after Mordin and check on the fish after the first couple weeks. Traynor took care of them before that."

Shepard's brow furrowed. "Mordin?" A face flashed before her. Large, kind eyes stared at her from the face of a older, scarred salarian.

_"Shepard! Excellent timing. Good to have you here."_

Memories of Mordin flooded back, piercing her with a new bolt of grief. Emotions rolled through like thunderstorms, first anger and disgust, then affection, understanding and love, finally pain as she remembered leaving him to die curing the genophage. Reeling from the impact, Shepard reached out to brace herself against the back of her chair. It spun around and she stumbled, her thigh hitting the edge of her desk.

Garrus looked up as she grunted with pain, his expression of curiosity quickly turning to concern as she leaned over the desk, sucking in deep breaths to calm the storm inside her. "Shepard?" He strode up the steps and laid a hand on her back. "What is it? What happened?"

"I remembered Mordin." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Is every memory going to be like this, Garrus? Was it all a road littered with sorrow and pain?"

"Some of it will be, but not all. If you remember Mordin, do you remember Eve -- Bakara -- as well?"

She nodded. "We rescued her from Sur’kesh." She straightened and turned to wrap her arms around his waist. Laying her head on his shoulder, she shook her head and sighed.

"Mordin died bravely for you, and for her and for everyone."

Shepard nodded. "He was very brave." She closed her eyes and stepped in closer, pressing along his length. "It all seems like some bizarre dream. How could all this have happened to one person?"

"I believe it was James who said you must have the opposite of a horseshoe up your ass."

Shepard chuckled. "Well, then I must have both a horseshoe and an anti-horseshoe up there, because I've been damned lucky too." She stroked his neck. "How did we get here if not by luck or fate?"

"I don't know, but I'm not going to complain." He pulled back and gave her a turian smile. "The Reapers are gone, we're still here, and somehow I got you back when I shouldn't have."

Her fingertips caressed his face. "I remember the first night we were together. I dreamed about it last night."

He cleared his throat and looked down and away. "I was so afraid that I was going to screw it up and lose my best friend." He sighed. "My only friend." Reaching up, he traced her lips with the tip of a talon. "But then you told me that all I needed to do was hold you."

She kissed his finger and closed her eyes, walling away anything other than that moment. "And you turned out to be a fantastic lover."

His mandibles fluttered. "You don't do so badly yourself."

She laughed and pulled away, savouring the game, the heat and devotion that rumbled under his teasing. "Oh well, with that endorsement..." Reaching out, she tugged off his gloves. "I may need a refresher course, I might not remember what goes where." She shrugged. "I suppose I could just check out those vids you used in your research."

"They were woefully incomplete; I don't recommend that approach." He slipped a talon up her arm, his mandibles snapping as her skin rose into goosebumps. "I have a much better idea to refresh your memory."

Shepard removed the armour up his one arm, then the other, slipping out of his reach every time he tried to catch hold of her. "Of course you do," she said, releasing him. She leaned one hip against her desk and crossed her arms. "You know, we have no idea how this new leg of mine is going to hold up to our gymnastics."

One hand ran over her hair while the other slipped around her waist to pull her in tight against him. "I guess we'll have to do some field testing. Try it out in all sorts of conditions... stress test... conduct impact studies..."

Shepard's smile widened a little more with each addition. "Sounds like a lot of work. It's going to take a lot of time to do all those tests. We'd better get started." She stepped into him and slid her hands up the skin of his armour, undoing it. "You're wearing a hell of a lot of layers, Vakarian." She eased the underlayer off his cowl, making sure to drag her thumbs over the sensitive border where carapace gave way to hide. Tossing the armour into the chair behind her, she laid her hands on his chest and smiled up at him.

"Shepard," he said, his voice soft and serious, "we don't have to rush this."

She leaned in as her fingers set to work unfastening his tunic, then slid inside to lay it open. "No, we don't." She kissed up the softest part of his neck. "We can take all the time in the world." She ran her teeth over the skin.

"Not what I meant, Shepard." He moaned softly, the sound coming out as a raspy purr that sent a warm shiver racing down her body to settle low in her belly.

She kissed her way to his mouth, savouring the rough, solid feel of him under her lips. "Shhh..." she whispered, flicking his upper lip with her tongue. She grinned and caught her bottom lip between her teeth as a warm chuff of air greeted that. "Just hush and make that sound again." Her hands slipped down his chest, her nails teasing his belly.

Shepard chuckled as he leaned in next to her ear and vocalized. She tensed and released all the muscles in her belly and thighs. "Mmm, damn, Vakarian. You do know how to turn a woman into a quivering mess."

He showed his teeth a little as he pressed his face into her neck and took a deep breath, drawing the air over his gums. He made the purring sound again, deep in his throat. "You drive me crazy when you turn into a quivering mess. Damn, you smell like ..." He stopped and pulled back.

Shepard cocked her head, backing up far enough to look into his eyes as she pushed his tunic off his shoulders. "What? Do I smell wrong now?" She stepped back, frowning a little.

He shook his head. "No, not at all." His mandibles spread and flicked a couple of times. He released her and tugged his tunic off, throwing it on the chair with his armour. "You're perfect." He reached out to grip her shoulders, stroking his thumbs over her collarbones. He closed his eyes and tilted his head a little. "What I meant was ... Shepard ... turians ..."

She stepped into him, unsnapping the two halves of his armour's girdle, crouching to slip it off between his legs. She laid her hands in the hollows of his pelvis, thumbs just teasing the edge of his groin plates. "What about turians?"

He lifted into his arms. "We're very territorial." He fit her in along his length, his brow touching her temple. "We aren't necessarily as possessive as humans, but we also don't use words and ceremonies to bind our mates."

She nodded, reaching up to caress his neck, the backs of her fingers stroking under his fringe. "I know, you mark your mates. I don't know how it works, but I know that it’s forever. Scent marking, or something right? Pheromones?"

His talons dug into her shoulder blades, not enough to tear her clothing or break her skin, but enough to make her gasp. "Our brains click over when specific conditions come together, and we release cells in our saliva that we embed under the skin. What I tried to say before ... " He sighed. "... you smell like my mate. I'm fighting it, Shepard."

She pulled back. "Why?" Taking his face between her hands, she smiled. "I don't want you to hold back from me, Garrus. Not if you want to go there. I know we never actually talked about this. Is that what you want?" Love like warm sunshine spread through her as she stared into his eyes, watching what was going on there. He wanted it, badly, she could see that, but she also saw fear. "It seemed to be."

"Shepard..." Pulling her back in against him, he nodded. "Everything was so uncertain, Shepard, but I haven't wanted anything else since that first night."

"Then don't worry about it. I am your mate, Garrus. If you go there, you go there." She sighed and tucked her head under his chin. "There are very few things in the galaxy that I'm sure of, and most of them concern you." She sighed and slipped from his arms. "One of those things is that you've been in that armour for days, so you're going to need to take a shower before you get into our bed."

He cleared his throat as she ran her hands up his chest on either side of the ridge in the center. "So I have to be clean to do something about all this teasing?"

She unzipped her hoodie, slipped it off and draped it over his shoulder. "I didn't say that." Turning toward the bathroom, she lifted her t-shirt over her head, letting it fall over the back of her chair.

He chuckled. "I hope the water reclamation plant is up and running." He shook his head as her bra hit the floor, and said, "What is it with you and showers?"

Shepard laughed. "It's the only time I can get you to stay still long enough without you falling asleep on me."

"You're going to pay for that one." He strode after her, grasping her wrist as she reached for the shower control. Spinning her around, he pulled her in tight against him.

She grinned and ran her fingers over his stomach where the tough scales gave way to skin, following the natural lines of his hide. "Promises. Promises." Turning her back to him, she brushed her hand over him as she reached to start the water. The chuff of air that escaped him made her chuckle, but then Garrus slid his hands over her shoulders and down her sides, turning that sound into a throaty moan. He raked his talon tips over her belly, lifting her skin into shivery prickles.

"You just do that to make me all goose pimply, don't you?" she whispered as he slipped his hand around her waist and pulled her back against him.

"Yes." He nuzzled down her neck and out to her shoulder as he reached around her to undo her belt and trousers. "Mmm, I've missed the way your skin feels." He hooked his thumbs in the waistband of her trousers and eased them off her hips, brushing his cheek against her shoulder. "It's like silk."

"It's old, weather-beaten warrior skin," she said, "but I love that it seems like silk to you." She reached up to caress his neck, leaning into him. "God, I could just melt into you forever. That would be all right, wouldn't it?"

"Better than all right." His voice resonated with tones that tingled through her skin, making her ache, muscles pulsing in slow, anticipatory waves.

"That voice is going to be the death of me," she whispered. "Sometimes it's all I can do to avoid embarrassing myself."

He chuckled and nipped her shoulder, his pointed teeth grazing the skin none too gently. "Now that's probably not something you should have told me. Never know what I might do with that power."

She sighed. "Is it wrong that the thought of you pulling that trick makes me hot?" She reached behind her and slid her hands down over his leggings. "You better finish getting undressed, or you're going to get your clothes wet."

He nuzzled her back as he slid her trousers down, his tongue flicking the most ticklish spots along her side. "Then the crew will know things are back to normal."

Shepard closed her eyes, swaying a little as she savoured the slight roughness of his tongue even as she jumped, her body pulsing with pleasure every time he hit a sensitive spot. "True. You do always end up soaked before I get you undressed." She lifted one foot, then the other as her trousers and panties reached the floor.

He straightened, his hands sliding, warm and rough, up her shins, along the inside of her thighs, then over her belly, just teasing her as they brushed to either side of her. "Only because I can't keep my hands off you long enough." He pulled her back tight against the right side of his chest when she tried to turn to face him. He pressed her forward under the water and reached for her cloth and soap. "I've got this, Shepard."

She laid her head back and reached up to caress his face, her eyes closing as he bathed her. She let out a long sigh and allowed everything to fall away, granting herself a few moments where her whole world consisted of nothing but Garrus's touch, the hard, unyielding wall of his body behind her, and the soft sound of his breathing next to her ear as it deepened and sped up with desire.

She turned into him, kissing the side of his face as he set the cloth aside, leaning over her shoulder to caress and tease with gentle talons. She gave her body over to him, each touch commanding a response as he explored. Clutching his shoulder, she moaned and twisted in his grasp, sinking deeper and deeper into the connection between their bodies. His teeth and tongue played along the side of her neck, and she turned into him, opening herself to him, enjoying the dance between predator and lover.

His hands moved over her breasts, his grip demanding and possessive. Arching into his hands, she moaned softly, twisting further in his grasp as he bent over her. He loosened his hold enough that she could turn her face into the spot under his jaw that made him crazy. She kissed it, sucking and teasing with her tongue, then giving a solid nip that made him jump. He chuckled and opened his throat to her somewhat less impressive teeth as he rolled her nipples between his talons.

"Good lord," she groaned, her hands sliding down his arms. She laced her fingers over his, her breathing coming in short gasps as her body undulated with soft, warm waves of pleasure and need.

He turned his face into her neck, scenting her, nuzzling along the tender skin. "Shepard," he whispered, his subvocals low and throaty, rumbling straight through her, breaking down an internal barrier that she hadn't even realized was there.

She arched into his hands as that barrier fell, slammed by a flood of ecstasy so strong that it staggered her. He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in tight against him. Each cresting wave of bliss lifted her further and further from her body until the line between pleasure and delirium blurred. Her heart thundered against her breastbone, the intensity of her reaction as terrifying as it was exquisite. With a single word, he'd commanded her soul, demanded that she give herself to him, and it obeyed joyously, without hesitation.

"No," she whispered as the heady euphoria deepened, leaving her feeling as though only the barest thread held her to her body. "No, please, not now..." The sound of wind roared in her ears, her body falling away, so very far away.

Tears rolled down her face as she clung to his hands, using her grip on him to anchor herself, to pull back. She wasn't ready to leave him yet. Then the flood ebbed, settling her back into her body, leaving her gasping, sobbing soft whispers of thanks. A long breath shuddered from pursed lips as she leaned back against him, her knees weak, her muscles pulsing hard, but gradually easing.

"Good... god..." she gasped, turning toward him. This time, he allowed her to face him, his arms encircling her.

"Guess we don't use that trick in public," he chuckled, clearly pleased with himself.

"No..." Taking a shuddering, sobbing breath in, Shepard clung to him, pressing as tightly against his body as she could manage. She laid her head on his shoulder. "... suddenly I understand the french term for orgasm a whole lot more intimately than I ever expected to."

He pulled back, looking at her with confusion.

"It's le petite mort... means little death." She smiled and kissed him softly, then with more passion, lifting onto her toes to get closer to him, press tighter. "I sort of love that you can do that, though. Just need a little warning. Wow."

"It's a power I'll use judiciously," he whispered, adding just enough undertone that she smacked him.

"You trying to give me a heart attack, Vakarian?" She grinned and shook her head as he laughed.

After a moment or two of recovery, she kissed her way along his mandible to the soft spot under his jaw. "Don't get too pleased with yourself, Mister. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, too." She sucked on the skin, running it between her teeth.

"Spirits," he sighed, pulling her in tight even as her hands moved to his leggings. He tilted his head to the side, pressing into her kisses.

Shepard eased the fabric over the points of his hips, pushing them down only as far as she could reach. She ran her nails over his belly, digging in just a little. Crouching, she followed her hands over his stomach and down the inside of his thigh with a trail of kisses and nips. She unfastened his leggings around his spur, then slid them the rest of the way down.

He gave the material an impatient kick to free his feet and tried to lift her into his arms, but she shook her head and pulled back.

"I said you had to be clean." She turned to grab his soap and soft brush from the vanity.

"To get into our bed," he replied in a gruff whisper. "You didn't say anything about needing to be clean to get into you."

Shepard laughed and backed under the water, crooking a finger. "Come on, Vakarian. Time for me to return the favour, and I intend to take as much time as I possibly can."

He lifted a hand to brush the backs of his fingers over her breast. "You sure about that?"

She gently knocked his hand away. "Hey now, that's not playing fair."

Keeping to her promise, she took her time bathing him, particularly in all the places that drove him wild, until he grabbed the soap from her hand, slipped an arm under her backside and lifted her into his arms.

"Men ... no patience." She chuckled, leaning down to kiss him. He returned her kiss with passion and hunger. She teased his long tongue with her much softer, flat one, smiling as he let the kiss carry him away. It was something that had taken them awhile to work out, his mouth and societal conditioning not quite cooperating, but he was a quick study, and now she couldn't imagine kissing another mouth. She moved against him, his erection pressed between their bodies, teasing him a little, resisting when he tried to lift her higher.

"Shepard..." he gasped against her mouth. "I..."

She nodded and leaned forward a little. "Okay, my love." She settled their bodies together slowly, moaning against his mouth, their kiss deepening with an intense, almost desperate need as he entered her. She whispered endearments as they moved together, telling him of her love as she wrapped her calves around his thighs to pull their bodies closer. The sharp ridge up the center of his chest dug into her right side, but she pressed closer, gripping him tighter as they moved from long, languid strokes of blissful re-acquaintance to the hard, rapid, breathless ascension to release.

For those perfect moments, all she felt was him, all she smelled was him, all she knew was him... the man she adored beyond all reason. The man whose love she'd endured hell for. She covered his face in soft, loving kisses, holding tight to the moment, savouring every sensation as he drove her body back to orgasm. As the wave broke, she clung to him, her hands caressing his neck and fringe, her muscles coaxing him to join her.

He responded almost desperately, his talons latching into her, his breathing fast and hard, his mouth and teeth moving over her neck, his tongue tasting her. She kissed him, and moved against his thrusts. Gripping him, she leaned back, her eyes closing, mouth open and panting.

Garrus called out, gripping her tight, pressing his face into the curve of her neck. She gasped at a sudden pain as one of his sharp teeth sunk into the flesh above her collarbone, then smiled and leaned in to hold him. She stroked his neck gently as she slowed, her brow pressed to his fringe. When she moved away even slightly, his grip on her tightened, pulling her back into him.

"It's okay," she whispered, kissing the top of his head, then laying her cheek back against his crest. She closed her eyes, savouring the long moments of connection. "I'm here, my love. I came back to you." She managed to pull back far enough to slip her fingers under his chin. Lifting his head from her breast, she kissed him softly, then hugged him tight again, his body rigid and hard under her soft curves. "I came back."

She reached out and turned off the water. "Come on, let's get dry."

He just shook his head a little and held on, taking another five minutes before his grip loosened, and he eased her down onto her feet.

Shepard grabbed towels, wrapping one around herself before drying Garrus off. He stood there, silent and malleable, his hands moving over her skin, sliding along her contours.

"Come on." She took his hand and lead him down to the bed. She threw back the duvet, then quickly towelled herself off before lying down and pulling him in beside her.

She smiled sadly as he burrowed in against her, his arms gripping her tightly once more. "It all became real there, didn't it?" she whispered, kissing him. "I'm here, Garrus. You found me." She ran her finger over the slight wound in the hollow of her collarbone. "And I'm yours."

"I love you, Shepard," he said, his voice just a breathy, rumbling whisper. "I would've searched forever if it meant not letting you go."

Shepard let out a warm chuckle and kissed him again. "You really aren't a very good Turian, are you?" She stroked his chest softly. "I don't know what I would've done if it had been you. There wouldn't have been any reason to come back from the Crucible, if you were waiting for me on the other side. Defeating the Reapers was just the end of the struggle. You were – are – my future."

She wiggled in a little closer. "But we've got that future back now, and right now all I need to know about it is that I'm not leaving your arms for at least the next twenty-four hours. Then, after Dr. Chakwas clears me, I'll resign my commission."

Garrus pulled back far enough to look into her eyes. "You're still going to resign?"

"It's time for me to see what the galaxy holds for me outside of death, Garrus. Turns out, I'm a pretty decent diplomat. Who knows, maybe I'll go into politics."

He chuckled. "Speaking of... I got a message from the Primarch offering me a seat in the Hierarchy."

Shepard grinned. "I told you. You're doomed, Vakarian." She sobered and caressed his face. "I'm awed by the man you've become. I know you don't always see it or feel it, but you've become someone who doesn't need to blend into his people's ideal. You've become a new ideal. People are going to be trying to live up to your example now, Garrus. I don't think Adrien could pick anyone better."

She sighed and nodded. "We'll find your dad and sister, get them squared away, then get busy building this galaxy into something better." Closing her eyes, she pressed along his length. "But for the next twenty-four hours, I'm not leaving your arms." She intended to hold onto whatever this was as long as she could.


	9. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Eight

**February 13, 2187**

 

True to her word, Shepard didn't budge from Garrus's side for twenty-four hours. Anticipating that, someone dropped food off outside the door, knocked, and left at both dinner time and breakfast the following morning.

After Garrus returned to work, Shepard got up, showered, and went looking for Joker, needing to tell him why the woman he loved was dead. She found him on the bridge running systems checks with Tali.

"Hey, Commander," he called. "So, just had to go and get yourself resurrected twice, didn't you? Couldn't be happy tying Lazarus and Jesus, although he's supposed to be coming back again too, so you'll have to be okay knowing you won't hold the record forever."

Shepard smiled and let out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, coming back just wouldn't have been the same without that. Thanks, Jeff." She winked at Tali. "Could I have him all to myself for a minute?"

"Whoa, wait a minute," Joker called after Tali as she left the bridge. "She called me ‘Jeff’. Don't go! Leaving me alone with her ends badly for me either way. Either she wants to kill me without any witnesses, or she wants me, and Garrus will kill me! He doesn't care about witnesses!"

Shepard cuffed him. "Stop it. You know my hopeless crush on you will always remain just that." Sitting on the arm of the copilot's chair, she looked into his eyes, seeing there the pain he was hiding behind his jokes. "I actually need to talk to you about something." She took a deep breath, her stomach feeling like a nervous acrobat doing somersaults. After another deep breath, she steeled herself, and told him what happened to EDI.

He was silent for a minute, then shook his head. "What do you want me to say, Shepard? Are you looking for my approval?"

"I don't know, Joker. I just thought you deserved to know the truth."

"Oh good. Well, now I do. Instead of believing the Reapers killed her, I know it was you, one of my best friends, and someone both EDI and I trusted implicitly."

"I... I'm sorry." Shepard shook her head, not sure what to say. Nothing she said or did could change what she did. His words reached inside her, constricting her heart and lungs until she reached up and tugged at the collar of her t-shirt; short of breath and feeling choked.

"Ohhhh, I see," Joker said, his voice hard and bitter. "You're feeling guilty, so you were hoping I'd hold your hand and tell you that it's all okay? I was just supposed to be all right with the fact that you're too much of a coward to follow anything other than the familiar path?" He nodded and shrugged, holding up his hands as if to stop her from arguing with him. "No, no... I get it. You kill things. That's what you do, right? Three hundred thousand batarian women and children, a couple million geth... EDI. It's all just body count, right? You knew how it would turn out if you killed the Reapers. If innocent people die at the same time, well, that's too bad."

"Joker!" Tali called, striding through the door. "Stop it! That's not fair."

Shepard let out a low moan, but shoved the pain aside and reached out, taking the quarian's hand to still her outburst. "It's okay, Tali. He isn't lying." She stood and walked out the door.

"Shepard!" Tali followed her. "I..."

Shepard shook her head and didn't look back. She knew if she did, she'd fall apart, and she couldn't allow that. Not here, not now. Not ever. "Look after Joker, Tali. I'm fine." 

As she walked toward the elevator, Shepard walled the guilt and sorrow back up, clenching her jaw against the screams as they beat at the brick and mortar of her control. She couldn't burden Garrus with all this pain, frailty... madness. Besides, he believed that if the truth was known, the galaxy wouldn't condemn her for the genocide she'd committed. She needed to give him the gift of holding onto that belief. He held so few illusions that he deserved to keep the ones he allowed himself.

Instead of heading up to her quarters, however, Shepard wandered the ship, dropping in on Dr. Chakwas for her twice daily check up before heading down to the shuttle bay . She needed to make arrangements with James to get herself back in shape. Her implants had kept her from losing as much condition as she should have, but she needed to get herself back to exactly who she was before she died ... again.

Every part of the ship was being torn apart and rebuilt in some way. She picked her way through the construction, trying to keep out of the way, finally making it to the shuttle bay, where one team of Alliance engineers moved the shuttle forks to the top of the ramp, and another installed a massive rack system for securing crates.

"I feel like we're turning her into a freighter," Steve called over the racket.

"We just about have to," Shepard agreed. "She's going to be out there on her own for a long time."

"You should see what they're doing to the starboard cargo hold. Massive new water tanks and recycling system. Even the garbage compactor has been ripped out and replaced by a recycling unit. They're saying 100% reclamation, but I'm not buying that horse."

Shepard winced. "What are they turning our garbage into?"

Steve shrugged. "Hopefully not food... not that we'd be able to tell the difference."

"I saw that they were tearing out the conference room, not that there was much of one. What's that area being turned into?" She asked, walking down the center of the bay.

"Three small staterooms for guests. They took the starboard observation lounge apart yesterday and enlarged the crew quarters, adding a small exercise area."

"They tore the table out behind the elevator in the galley too."

Steve nodded. "Refrigeration and freezer unit. We're going to be too heavy to get her off the ground."

Shepard chuckled. "Thank goodness for eezo. How long until she's ready to go?"

"They figure about another week. They are planning on doing some massive work back behind the elevator down here. Putting in a narrow access and installing an aft battery." He scowled at that. "They say that it won't compromise safety, but I don't like it."

"Yeah, the rest feels cosmetic, another gun feels invasive." She shrugged. "Never hurts to have another gun if she gets in over her head with raiders, but they're going to have to install some safeties." She patted Steve's back and winked. "Anyway... have fun. I know secretly, you're loving this."

He laughed. "You know it, Shepard." He held her with a considering stare. "You know, whatever it is, you can always talk to me about it, Shepard." He laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You went through fifty kinds of hell before you went up to the Crucible and who knows how many after. No one expects you to just walk away from that." He smiled.

Shepard nodded. "Thanks, Steve. I'll take you up on that." She laid her hand over his for a second, then headed over to find James amidst the chaos.

"Hey! James! You in here, somewhere?" When no one answered, she pulled her hood up and headed out into the rain. The crowd had dispersed thanks to the downpour, so she walked down the ramp, staying under the relative shelter of the _Normandy_ 's nose. She found James sitting on the ground behind a crate out near the end of the dry area.

"Hey," she said, crouching beside him. "What's up?"

He shrugged. "Just taking a few minutes away from the noise." He tilted his chin toward her.   
"What's going on?"

Shepard sighed and lowered herself onto the tarmac, sitting cross-legged. "I need you to whip me back into shape. And I mean dog me hard. The _Normandy_ leaves in just over a week, and I don't want to be stuck here waving goodbye as you guys fly off. I've got to get Dr. Chakwas to sign off on me before then."

He nodded. "Sure, I can do that. Can you be ready for a good long run just after dark?"

Shepard grinned. "I can. I'll bring bottled oxygen and a defibrillator with me." She slapped his knee lightly, and moved to stand, but then caught the expression on his face and settled back down. "You really doing okay?"

He shrugged. "Just dealing with a few ghosts today, Lola. De nada."

Shepard let out a long breath. "Yeah, got more than a few of those following me around these days too. If you want to talk about it, you know I'm available."

"Gracias." He pushed himself up. "Better get back to work." He held out his hand to help her up onto her feet.

Shepard grasped it with her prosthetic and stood.

"This the new one?" he asked, giving it a hard squeeze.

"Ow. Yes, but it has biofeedback sensors that tell me when someone is clamping down on it like a vice." She chuckled and led the way back up the ramp.

"Feels pretty real. How about the leg?"

Shepard laughed. "Nice try, but you won't be feeling that one." She slapped him on the back. "See you later."

"1800, and come prepared to get your butt kicked," he replied.

"Aye, aye, LT." Shepard headed for the elevator and the crew deck.

It felt strange to have her entire ship being turned inside out without her. "A look at things to come, Shepard," she muttered to herself. Tomorrow, she'd head to engineering and give them a hand, unofficially. Surely, Dr. Chakwas didn't expect her to sit on her hands until she was reinstated. Today, however, she strode over to Liara's quarters and knocked.

"Come in."

Shepard hit the door control, walking through once it opened. "Hey."

Liara looked up from her computer and turned in her chair. "Shepard."

"How are you doing? I got the sense something was off yesterday." Shepard looked around for Glyph, but didn't see the drone and wondered where it was.

Liara stood and held out a hand, inviting Shepard to sit in the chair she'd just vacated. The asari paced up and down the room a couple of times, her strides slow and measured. Her face creased in a thoughtful scowl. "I'm worried about you, Shepard. I saw what you were living in before Garrus pulled you out." She sighed and walked over to sit on the end of her bed. "I'm not.... Are you sure you should be coming back at all, let alone so soon?"

Shepard nodded. "We both know that I'm not as easy as that to break, Liara."

Liara nodded. "I felt something else while we were joined, Shepard. I know about your doubts. I know there is a big part of you that believes you're falling over Alchera... that this is all some sort of hallucination or dream. I'm really worried."

"That I'm completely batnuts?" Shepard chuckled. "Yeah, join the club. I don't know, Liara. Do we just turn on and off? Where did I go for two years? I remember nothing. This time, I heard a voice. I had awareness. Which is real? The first, the second, both?" Her next laugh came out bitter. "I almost died when the batarians attacked Mindoir. I almost died again on Akuze. Actually died over Alchera. Mostly died on the Crucible. How am I supposed to believe anything?"

"You're real, Shepard. This isn't some delusion, it's your life." She reached out and laid her hand over Shepard's. "But, I understand your confusion."

"Do you trust me, Liara? Do you trust me to decide if I'm capable of command? You know that I love this crew. I'd never place any of you in danger. If I don't get myself back to 100%, I'll tell Dr. Chakwas that I'm unfit, and I'll stay behind when the _Normandy_ heads out." Sighing, Shepard shook her head, hating the idea of watching her ship leave without her. It would happen one day, but not yet. "You've been inside my mind, Liara. You know that I was falling apart throughout the war, but I held it together."

"I also saw that you plan to retire." Liara held Shepard's stare.

"Yes. I've had enough of death, but I want to retire, not get Cat 6'd into retirement. I think I've earned the right to decide how I go out." Shepard stood and walked to the door. "I've always had your back, Liara. I've thought you were headed into darkness more than once, but in the end, I trusted you to know your limits and recognize when you got too close to the edge."

Liara got up and walked over, taking Shepard's hands in hers. "You're my friend ... more than my friend, Shepard. I love you like a sister, and I don't want to see you get hurt any more. I'm worried about you, not your ability to command. If you were nearly dead and completely insane, we'd all still follow you into hell, and you'd get us out." She pulled Shepard into a hug. "But I want to see you get all the other things you want from life, Shepard, for you and for Garrus." She pulled back. "He can't lose you again. Know that. If you go, he'll follow, whether it's into madness or death."

Shepard nodded. "Yeah. Just please, trust me to do what's best for everyone? He needs me to be okay. I need to be okay for him. If I need to vent the crazy, I know just who to come to." She took Liara's hands, as she smiled. "I'm okay, Liara... well, an okay mess. Everything else will fall into place when I'm living my life again."

Giving Shepard's hands a squeeze, Liara nodded. "Okay, but I expect you to come talk to me."

"Always." Shepard released her and headed out the door.

Inside the elevator, Shepard leaned against the wall, letting out a shaky breath, daring to believe Liara for a moment. Surely, if anyone would know whether she was alive, deluded, or whatever,, it would be Liara. But of course, if this was all in her mind... if she was burning up in Alchera's atmosphere or drooling mindlessly on the Crucible, she hadn't just talked to the real Liara. She pushed the doubts away as the elevator doors opened outside her quarters.

Real or not, Liara was right about Garrus. She felt it every time he held her. If the _Normandy_ had arrived back at Earth, and he'd been shown her body, he would have just disappeared. Her throat closed when she thought of how they would have found him, then shook her head. No. She wouldn't let that happen.

She stopped outside the door and took a couple of deep breaths.

"You can do this, Shepard. You can hold it together for him. You can be okay for him until it ends."

Garrus sat working at her computer when she entered. She peered over his shoulder at a massive requisition order.

"They need new faucets and shower heads in the women's washroom," she said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

"I'll add them to the list."

"Poor old _Normandy_ ," she sighed, heading down to the stairs. "Hopefully this time, they actually have time to finish the work so there aren't power cables stretched everywhere."

"She'll be nearly self-sufficient, although I'm concerned about the aft battery idea. I've been over the plans with the team installing it, but there's a reason everything is built in the center of the ship, away from the hull." He shook his head. "I understand their reasoning for wanting another gun, but I sure don't want to be back there during a firefight."

"Yeah, Steve and I were discussing that. I'm going to recommend that they put in a shield door and emergency force field at the entrance to the access and build both the gun and the safety door so that they're controlled from the forward battery. That way we don't have people back there unless we're doing maintenance."

He chuckled and nodded. "Commander Shepard taking two entire days off was too much to hope for, I suppose."

She grinned and flopped on the bed. "You're a dreamer, Vakarian. I love that about you." She turned so that she was facing him and rolled onto her stomach, but then closed her eyes and rested her head on her arms.

"Have you seen Bailey or the Council since you got back?" she asked without opening her eyes. "I heard someone say they hung around the hospital a lot while I was out, but I haven't heard a peep since I woke up."

"Bailey said Tevos and Sparatus went by to see you a couple times a week, and he spent a couple hours a day talking at you. Why are you thinking about the council? Going to join?"

Shepard looked up at him and laughed. "We'd find out if salarians can spontaneously combust. God, wouldn't Valern hate that?"

Garrus got up and walked down to stretch out beside her on the bed. "As for Bailey, he's got a crush on you, so he's probably hiding, thinking that I told you."

She shook her head. "Which you just did." She rolled over on her side and leaned up on her elbow, resting her head in her hand. Running gentle fingers over his chin, she felt the screams calm a little, the angry fists of the dead no longer beating at the inside of her skull. Gratitude filled her. If it was a dream, it was a beautiful dream.

She took his hand. "What do you think of my staying a Spectre?"

"Is this an actual question, or rhetorical?"

"Actual."

"It means being on the move all the time, especially until the relays are up and running. But, you're the best in the galaxy, Shepard, and not just because you're the second best shot."

She sighed and shook her head.

"You use your brain and your instincts more than your weapon. You don't just run in shooting. The galaxy needs more people making that choice."

"When does the 'but' show up?"

He squeezed her hand. "There's no but. Shepard, it's your life and your decision."

"No." She lifted her head and reached over to touch his face. "It's not. It's our life now, Garrus, and our decision." She leaned back on her hand. "As for being on the move all the time... I don't want that any more." She wriggled in a little closer. "When you think about leaving the _Normandy_ , what do you feel?"

He let out a long breath and shrugged. "About as conflicted as you feel. The best times of my life have taken place aboard this ship, and thinking about leaving her and the crew is like thinking about leaving home." He played with her fingers for a moment, studying that connection. "But, there are other things I want out of life, and a frigate isn't the best place to accomplish them." He sighed. "Besides, now I have to weigh the Primarch asking me to take on this responsibility to my people... I don't know, Shepard. Part of me wants to go back to our rogue days."

She smiled. "Yeah. Well, I know two things for sure. The first is that I don't want to be halfway across the galaxy from you six months at a time. That's no way for us to function as a family."

"And the second thing?"

"I don't know how I'm going to handle staying still. I've been on the move since I was sixteen, Garrus, and I'm not sure I can just stop. I want to. I want quiet evenings at home; long, lazy vacations with kids splashing in lakes and nights spent making out with my husband by the fire... the whole package."

"So how does being a Spectre fit into this picture?"

She closed the centimetres between them and pressed herself against his length. "If I stay with the Alliance, they will find something new for me to do before I've finished the last thing. You've seen it. Someone hiccoughs and they scream, 'Get Shepard. Only Shepard can cure a hiccough like that.' Maybe, as a Spectre, the galactic threats will be at a minimum for a while, and I can acclimatize to sedentary life while still seeing a little action."

Shepard slid her hand up inside his tunic to stroke his side. "I don't know, Garrus. I'm just throwing around ideas at this point."

"The turian military is going to be recruiting and training heavily for the next decade or two. Would you consider becoming an instructor?"

"Hmm." Her brow wrinkled in a thoughtful frown. "You know, that isn't an option that had even occurred to me. See, this is why I ask you about these things." She mulled it over for a few more minutes. "You know, every race is going to be rebuilding their military with barely any resources. The fleets are ragtag at best... facilities are blown to hell... What if we created a galactic military academy? All the races could pool their resources to build one facility, and the recruits could train with instructors from every race. We could build a galactic military to defend all space, rather than everyone guarding their stick in the ground, as Wrex once said."

Garrus nodded. "It's worth proposing. Whether at a galactic academy or one on Palaven, teaching would keep you busy as hell, but also keep you home most of the time."

She kissed him. "You're a genius."

He chuckled. "I have moments."

"So, what are the things that you want that mean leaving the _Normandy_?"

He cleared his throat, his mandibles dropping as he shifted beside her. "You know that I'm not good at talking about this stuff, Shepard."

She nodded. "I know, but you have to be able to talk to me about this stuff. What do you want from our life, from us, from me?"

"What I want from you is easy. You know that thing you do with your tongue …."

She elbowed him. "Come on." Leaning up again, she looked into his eyes. "I need to know what you want and hope for our future, Garrus. I don't want forty years to pass before finding out that you weren't happy or had been missing out."

"If I get forty years with you, Shepard, I'll be happy." He pulled her into his arms and held her so her head was cradled against his chest. "I know it's impossible in the usual sense, but I want to have a family. Midnight feedings, temper tantrums, homework, first dances, driving lessons, grandkids …." He ran his talons through her hair. "I never thought I'd want any of that."

A soft smile lifted the corners of her mouth as she stared into his eyes. “I never thought about it either, but I guess it was because I hadn’t met the right man.” She kissed his nose. "Now, it surprised and scares me how badly I want it.” She laid her hand against his scars. “How do you feel about adoption?"

"There will be a lot of kids needing homes out there."

"I'm sensing another 'but'."

"I want to see what our options are." He cleared his throat again. "I want to raise your children, Shepard, even if we can't create them together."

"Commander Shepard pregnant. I’m pretty sure people would buy tickets to see me waddling around in fat, pregnant lady armour.” She chuckled self-consciously. “Yet, I love the idea--leaving behind taking life in favour of creating it.” Pausing, she let the idea sink in. As it did, she realized that she wanted it, badly. She grinned. “Okay, then we see what our options are. I think Karin is a good place to start. Not to make her sound too much like an underworld crime lord, but she's got connections."

She hugged him. "I think I'm going to take a nap. James starts raking me over the coals tonight, so I want to be rested. It'll also give you a chance to do the things you need to be doing instead of babysitting me."

He held onto her when she tried to move away. "There's nothing else I need to do."

She leaned up and kissed him. "Well, then at least let me get under the covers." She wriggled out of his grasp and quickly stripped out of her clothes.

"What kind of nap is this?" he asked, watching her.

"The kind where if my man is in bed with me, I want to feel him against me. And, maybe, if he's very, very lucky, the kind where I do that thing with my tongue."


	10. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Found... and found. Lots of found... no lost.

**February 19, 2187**

 

Shepard had rarely worked as hard as she did over the next five days. Once James saw that he could push her hard, he dogged her, giving her only a couple hours at a time to rest. For the first two days, she wasn't entirely sure she'd survive, but Cerberus came through yet again, and by the end of the fifth day, she felt like her old self. At least physically.

James and Steve both drilled her in her weapons, armour, and tactics, forcing her memory to recover faster than it was willing to. She nearly threw in the towel a couple of times when simple things like maintaining her Mattock escaped her. She knew that she'd done it thousands of times, but even the lessons seemed to abandon her as quickly as they were taught. When she was at her wit's end, Steve came to her rescue, trying different ways of presenting the information until he found a method that stuck.

Adams, Tali, Gabby, and Kenneth put her through her paces in engineering, but for some reason that knowledge had stayed with her, and she dealt with all her assigned tasks without even having to think about them.

End result, by the close of the fifth day, she felt like Commander Shepard again, even more so when she checked in with Dr. Chakwas and the doctor gave her the nod.

"You're back, Shepard. Every reading I have says that you're at 100%. Even your memory seems to be remarkably intact. Are there gaps that stand out to you still?"

Shepard sat in the chair next to the doctor. "No. James took us out last night for a little squad on squad war game, and it was all there. Like muscle memory, I guess."

"I'm going to recommend that the mandatory counselling continue. You've dealt with a lot ... been through a lot, but you're Commander Shepard." She smiled. "I think you're fit for duty, but how about you? Are you ready to get back to work?"

Shepard thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready. At least for a little while. Garrus and I have been talking about our future, and I think mine lies outside the Alliance, Doc. I'm going to meet with Hackett in the morning to propose a multi-racial military academy, and give him my notice."

"Are you settling down, Commander?" Karin gave her a warm smile.

"Yeah, that's the plan, and since Garrus accepted the Primarch's offer to join Palaven's government, I guess that means making a home on Palaven." She looked down and cleared her throat, not sure how to approach the subject of conceiving children, then chuckled at the irony of forcing Garrus to talk about it, then being unable to herself.

"Garrus and I want to have a family," she managed to say at last. "We know that biology isn't going to be easy on us, but we were wondering what our options are. Is using a donor pretty much my only choice to have kids?"

"Actually, it might not be. Before the war, they were making incredible strides forward in gene modification. Obviously, the child would be human and have to be levo, but it might be possible to use at least some aspects of Garrus's DNA as well. Let me put some feelers out and see what I can dig up. I'll have the facilities to help." She nodded toward the gap in the back wall that had been the doors to the AI core. "They've built me a state of the art lab and small quarters back there." She sighed. "Big changes, all around."

"Indeed." Shepard stood. "After talking to Sovereign on Virmire, my focus narrowed down to ending the Reapers. If I thought about life after the war, it was immediate. There's an entire galaxy out there to rebuild, Karin."

"And Commander Shepard will find her place on Palaven as a teacher and a wife, and a mother." Karin smiled and nodded. "Sounds just about perfect to me."

"Sounds really, really odd to me, and more than a little terrifying, but I've seen enough death. Time to focus of life, and I think teaching the next generations of galactic protectors fits that bill nicely."

"Commander?" Joker’s voice came over her comm.

"Yes, Joker?" She winced at the edge to his voice. They'd spoken to one another in monosyllables and only when necessary. She didn't push it, knowing there was nothing she could say to close the breach.

"Incoming message from Admiral Hackett."

"Send it to my quarters." She smiled and laid her hand on the doctor's shoulder. "Not even back on active duty, and already getting late night messages from command." She chuckled. "Thanks for everything, Doc."

"I'll let you and Garrus know as soon as I discover anything," Dr. Chakwas promised as Shepard turned and hurried out of the med bay.

Shepard jogged into her quarters and activated the view screen above her desk. "Admiral Hackett." She saluted. "What can I do for you, sir?"

He returned her salute. "Commander, we just received a communication from a turian evac transport entering the system. It seems that several ships filled with refugees from Palaven and nearby colonies were en route to the Citadel when it was moved. Unsure where else to go, and knowing that the fleets were converging here, they set course to meet up with their fleets."

"And now they've missed them."

"Exactly. As they made their way here, they met up with other transports with the same idea, and are now a fleet of thirty-eight vessels. Only a couple of the ships have any means of self defence."

"They'll be sitting ducks on their own. Who knows what's still out there."

"Exactly. They've already been attacked by raiders. One of the transports was destroyed and another two damaged and captured. The people aboard the two damaged ships were able to get to life pods. We're setting up a camp outside London to house the bulk of the refugees, with their wounded being routed to Alliance hospitals worldwide."

Shepard nodded. "What can the _Normandy_ do to help, Admiral?"

"Dr. Chakwas has more experience with alien, particularly Turian physiology, than most of our doctors."

"I'm certain she'll be more than happy to help."

"The updates I've received from your people indicate it's going to be another three or four days before _Normandy_ is ready to get back out there, but when the refit is completed, I need you to get out to where the convoy was attacked and see if you can track down the base of operations for these raiders. I don't like them being that close when we're trying to keep shipping open to the colonies."

"Garrus is still in command, Admiral. Why are you bringing this to me?"

"Both Dr. Chakwas and Vakarian believe you're ready to return to active duty. How do you feel about doing so?"

Shepard stared at his rugged face for a moment, then nodded. "I'm ready, Admiral."

"We're meeting first thing in the morning?"

"Yes, sir."

"We'll make it official then. Good night, Commander."

Shepard saluted. "Good night, sir." She turned off the view screen and let out a heavy sigh.

"I've got to give him credit," Garrus said from behind her. "He waited five whole days before calling you back into service."

Shepard turned and nodded. "Yeah. How long have you been there?"

"Pretty much since the beginning. So we're going to jump out after raiders." He closed the few metres between them and slipped his arms around her. "It's good to hear that more survivors are trickling in, though thirty-eight ships is a lot of refugees to feed and house."

Shepard laid her hand against his chest. "It is. Well, we'll finish putting our ship back together, go out, kick some raider ass, and get them all started on their way home."

"Commander?"

Shepard sighed. "Yes?"

"Another message incoming."

"Put it through."

"This one is for Garrus. It's from a Commander Herros Vakarian."

Shepard pulled back and looked up at Garrus as he took a step back, his body going rigid with surprise. "Your father?"

He nodded, his mandibles fluttering. "Put it through, Joker."

Shepard stepped back as Garrus activated the view screen. An older turian appeared before them, his dignified face pocked and scarred from age and injury, but still proudly displaying the same face paint as Garrus. Shepard had never seen another turian with that design.

"Dad." Garrus straightened. "It's good to see you. Where are you?"

"Garrus." The turian studied him for a few seconds, then nodded, his mandibles fluttering the same way Garrus's did when he got emotional. "You look well. It's good to see you." He looked up, meeting Shepard's eyes. "Commander Shepard, I presume."

Shepard straightened, smiled and nodded. "Yes, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"And you, Commander." He turned his attention back to Garrus. "We are approximately twelve hours from Earth. I've been told that arrangements are being made to shelter our refugees until we can return to Palaven and Sur’kesh."

"You're on one of the ships headed to Earth? How's Solana?"

"Your sister is going to be taken to one of the Alliance hospitals. Her broken leg became infected. She's fighting hard, but she's very ill."

"She's always been a fighter, yes, sir," Garrus replied. "We'll meet her transport at the hospital. Our doctor is one of the best there is."

"Is there anything you need, Commander?" Shepard asked, stepping up to Garrus's side. "Anything we can do to assist?"

"I believe the bulk of the arrangements are taken care of, but thank you. There are several transports in the convoy loaded with human refugees from some of your colonies. If I send you a list of their names, perhaps your people could see if they have any family who survived. Most of them are children. We've sent the list to the Alliance as well, but it never hurts to have more than one set of people looking."

"We will do our best, sir."

"Thank you, Shepard." He looked at his son for another moment, then nodded. "We will see you in twelve hours. Vakarian out."

"See you then, Dad."

Shepard stared at the screen as it faded back to her collection of model ships.

Garrus turned to face her. "They're alive, and they're here." He shook his head as if he couldn't quite believe it.

"They are indeed." The computer beeped, informing her of the received download, and she transferred it to a datapad. "Wow, a lot of names here." She scrolled down the list, stopping about halfway down, a wide grin spreading across her face.

"What is it, Shepard?"

She highlighted two names. "Good news."

He read it then gave her a gentle push toward the door. "Get going, but hurry back. We need to sleep while we can."

She backed to the door. "Big day tomorrow." She gave him a wink and turned to head to the bridge.

Joker and Tali sat on the bridge in the dark, staring up at the stars and chatting when Shepard arrived.

"Hi, Shepard," Tali greeted her. "Joker was just telling me the stories behind the constellations. I'm pretty sure he was making most of it up."

Giving Tali a thin smile, Shepard nodded. She looked up at the stars, barely visible through the thick portals.

"So, a whole fleet of Turian and Salarian refugees." Joker said, breaking the tense silence.

"Quite a few humans from our outer colonies. Cmdr. Vakarian sent a list of their names and some personal information... colony they were evacuated from, etc. I was hoping that in the morning, you, Liara, and Traynor could see what you can do to find any families."

He frowned. "What good am I going to do, unless their families are hiding under my console." He bent down and checked. "Better give the list to Liara."

Shepard sighed and held out the pad. "I don't know. There are a couple names here that you might be able to help with."

He scowled and looked at her like she was wasting his time, then stopped and sucked in a quick breath. He looked from the pad to her then back a couple of times as if trying to confirm what he was seeing. "Matthew and Hillary Moreau, Tiptree." He made a sound that was part sigh, part sob and part laugh, then looked up at Tali. "It's my dad and my sister. They made it out."

"They'll be landing in about twelve hours."

"That's wonderful news," Tali said and stood, moving over to give him a hug. "I'm so glad for you."

Joker looked up at Shepard. "Thanks, Commander. We'll get to looking for the rest of the families first thing."

Shepard let out a sharp sigh. "I'm just glad to be the bearer of good news for a change."

"Sooo... that was Garrus' father?" Joker asked. At Shepard's nod, he gave her a tight smile. "And I thought the quarian admirals were intimidating. Good luck meeting that in-law."

Shepard just nodded. "You two get some sleep. We've got 4 days to get this boat back in the sky so we can go out and chase down the raiders that attacked the refugees."

She headed back to her quarters, finding Garrus already in bed. After changing, she curled into his arms, fitting her contours to his. She kissed him, then closed her eyes. "Good night, Garrus."

He nuzzled her temple. "Good night, Shepard. And don't worry, I think my dad is already smitten with you."

She chuckled. "How can you tell? He looked pretty formidable to me."

"He called you Shepard at the end. Fifty credits says that he's calling you Jane by the end of the first hour."

Shepard laughed. "You're on."

"Easiest fifty credits I ever made."

 

Shepard bolted upright in bed, heart hammering in her chest. She glanced around, trying to orient herself.

A gentle hand touched her back. "You okay?"

Garrus's voice pulled her back from the edge of panic, banishing the last vestiges of the dream. She swung her legs out of bed and took a couple of deep breaths. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just going to get a drink. Go back to sleep."

She waited until his breathing evened out, then grabbed her sweatsuit off the chair next to the bed and headed to the bathroom. After splashing cold water over her face and neck, Shepard towelled off and dressed. Creeping out of the bathroom, she hesitated at the top of the stairs, making sure Garrus was asleep before she put on her boots and left her quarters.

When the elevator opened, she pressed the control to go down a level and leaned against the wall. Nightmare figures of destroyed Geth, Reapers, EDI and Anderson rolled over and over through her mind's eye. "You did this to us," they chanted in a roaring chorus.

Shepard shook her head and pushed herself away from the wall, forcing the dream back behind the wall where it belonged. She needed to stay functional. They were placing her ship, and all the lives within, back in her care.

The CIC was nearly deserted at that time of the day, most of the crew sleeping, tucked soundly into their new beds, but a few sat or stood at duty stations. She nodded in response to their greetings as she passed them by, making her way to the bridge, fairly sure that it would be empty at that time of the morning.

Sure enough, it sat silent and dark, only a smattering of lights from the consoles shining red and orange over the stations. Shepard slipped into EDI's chair and leaned back, looking up at the sky. No stars peeked through the clouds, a fine sheet of rain falling onto the ship, forming rivulets and tiny streams as it ran over the ports, hurrying toward the ground.

The door opened behind her, the slow, uneven tread of the intruder telling her who it was without her needing to look.

"What are you doing up here?" Joker asked, sitting down. "Bad dreams?"

Shepard gave a noncommittal grunt.

"None of them are on my account, I hope. You did..."

"It's okay, Joker," she said, interrupting him.

"Hey, don't interrupt. I don't apologize that often, so you might want to just let me talk... or you know, take a vid to keep as proof." He sighed and leaned back. "I overreacted when you told me the truth. I was hurt and angry, so yeah, I acted like a jerk. Big surprise, it's what I do."

"I understand, Joker, and you were right. I was a coward and took the easy choice, the familiar one, and then asked you to assuage my guilt under the excuse of 'He has a right to know'."

"Now you're being a jerk to yourself." He shrugged. "You made a choice, Shepard. Was it the right one? Who knows, and it doesn't matter now. It's made. Torturing yourself for the next sixty years isn't going to change it." He grumbled and shifted in his chair. "Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed at you, but things didn't work out as badly as they could have. I thought I'd lost both of you for a while there." He nodded toward the door. "Go get your ass back in bed. You're not allowed to sit in her chair yet."

Shepard got up and walked to the door, turning back just before stepping through. "Good night, Joker."

"Yeah."


	11. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arrivals and revelations and preparations to head back out into the black.

**February 20, 2187**

 

Shepard woke early to find Garrus already gone. She showered, grabbed a couple slices of toast in the disaster area that was their obliterated galley, then headed out for her meeting with Hackett.

The outer offices were all still empty when she arrived, so she made her way through to his door.

"It sounds good, Primarch Victus. I'll get my people on crunching the numbers on the amount of useful salvage we'll be able to come up with and get back to you this afternoon."

Shepard hesitated with her hand on the door control as she heard the admiral's voice.

"Thank you, Admiral. I'll get to work from this end as much as I can to see what the estimate is on getting our shipyards back up and running."

"Tevos has expressed some interest as well, and the shipyards on Ilium are still intact. I'm leery of involving the Council, though."

Shepard smiled as she heard Victus chuckle. "As am I, Admiral, although intact ship building facilities are hard to pass up."

"I'll contact you again this afternoon, Primarch."

When Shepard heard no response from Victus, she knocked.

"Come in." The Admiral turned away from the QEC and smiled, striding toward her, hand extended. "Commander. Good morning."

Shepard shook his hand. "Good morning, Admiral. Getting an early start on the day?"

He nodded and gestured toward one of two sofas. "Have a seat, Shepard." He waited for her to sit, then sat across from her. "We have a pile of refugees landing on our shoulders in a few hours. So many bodies would be a problem even if so many of them weren't turian. We sent most of our dextro supplies with their fleet to get them through the voyage."

Shepard leaned back. "If the _Normandy_ and her crew can assist in any way, please ask."

"Thank you, Shepard. I think the best thing we can do is get you out there as quickly as possible to make the shipping lanes safe." He leaned back and crossed his legs. "We were lucky that at least a few C-Sec officers escaped the Citadel. They've been able to lead our salvage crews into the fortified bunker system they created. A great deal of food, water and other supplies remain intact down there thanks to the blast shields. We should be okay for six months." He chuckled, but it was a bitter one. "Seems insane to consider six months a short time to accomplish a mission that would have taken a couple of days before."

Shepard nodded. "The _Normandy_ 's the fastest ship out there, Admiral. We'll do our best to get things cleared up and get the refugees back to their homeworlds as quickly as we can."

"I have no doubt, Shepard. You've never let me down." He sighed. "So, what is the purpose of your visit today?"

Shepard leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "Garrus and I have been talking about our future, and he brought up the fact that the turian military is going to be recruiting and training in overdrive for a couple of decades. It occurred to me that every race is going to be in the same boat – too few bodies with too little training and no facilities left standing to deal with the crisis."

Hackett shifted. "Primarch Victus and I have already begun addressing the problem. We've agreed to the co-development and construction of a fleet of new ships."

"What if all the races pooled their resources into creating one military academy that accepted cadets of any race? Instructors could be drawn from the most experienced and skilled of each race to train a galactic military with a mandate to patrol and protect all space, rather than each race trying to guard their own patch?"

Hackett thought about it for a moment, his rugged features working. "I think it's an inspired idea, Commander, even more so because of the current political climate."

"Oh? What's the Council doing now?"

"With the krogan and quarians contributing so much to the war effort, they're rightly asking for a larger role in galactic politics. They've petitioned for seats on the council, but the Council are baulking at even replacing Udina. People are up in arms and are starting to demand that the council be disbanded in favour of a galactic senate. A co-developed military academy and fleet would be a huge step in that direction. I have no doubt at all that the non-Council races will back the idea in a minute."

"And the turians?" Shepard leaned back.

"Victus being Primarch is shaking things up for the turian hierarchy. Much of the old guard was killed, and he's replacing them with forward thinkers. I'll bring it up with him when I speak to him again this afternoon. I don't think it will take much to get him on board. You made everyone realize how much stronger we are working together, Shepard. Hopefully we can hold onto that for a while."

"Yes, sir."

"Is that why you came to see me?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I believe my time as a soldier in the Alliance Military is drawing to a close, Admiral. I've seen more than enough of death and fought more than my share of hopeless battles. I want to step away from that, start a family, get on with living."

He nodded thoughtfully, but sighed. "I can certainly understand, Shepard, but as you pointed out earlier, the Alliance forces have been all but obliterated. You're a powerful figure capable of pulling people into the service, and you're just about the most experienced officer we have left." He held up a hand to forestall her argument. "Would you agree to give the Alliance eighteen more months? Give us a chance to bring along a new crop, recoup a little. You'll be promoted, and once you're back from this mission, providing that the Primarch, Urdnot Wrex and the Admiralty Board are willing to work with us, I'd officially attach the _Normandy_ to the founding of this academy."

Shepard rolled the idea over. "We wouldn't be sent on a new mission before the last one even finished? I'm settling down, Admiral. I refuse to be halfway across the galaxy from Garrus six months at a time, and he's one of those forward thinkers Victus has asked to form the new Hierarchy."

Hackett smiled and nodded. "I understand, Shepard. The _Normandy_ would only be called on for missions of the gravest importance."

After a moment of internal debate, Shepard’s devotion to the Alliance won out. Hackett was right, humanity needed time to rebuild. "Very well, then I'll give the Alliance eighteen months’ notice of my retirement." Shepard stood. "I'm excited about the possibilities with this academy, Admiral. I think it could be a strong binding force. If we can get the different races relying on each other as we rebuild, the Reapers could end up being the best thing that ever happened to galactic peace." She extended her hand. "I'll let you get back to work."

"And I'll let you know what Primarch Victus thinks after our discussion this afternoon. Trying to rebuild the fleets, even together, is going to be a major feat." He shook her hand. "Thank you, Commander."

"Good luck, Admiral." She snapped a sharp salute and headed for the door.

"Oh, Commander. You're due to lift off at 1000 three days from now?"

Shepard turned back and gave him a quick nod.

"Have your crew assembled for inspection 0700, dress blues."

Shepard winced, but gave him another nod. "Yes,sir. We're not going to have to give speeches, are we?"

He gave her a crooked smile and shrugged. "Might be good to have one prepared, just in case."

"Aye, aye, sir."

She stepped outside into the bright, early sun and paused, waiting for her eyes to adjust.

"You're up and about early this morning, Commander."

"As are you, doctor." Shepard looked toward the hospital, then crossed to meet Dr. Chakwas at the doors. "Are there many wounded coming in?"

"There are, but only twenty-six critically injured or ill. We'll take those here and then shuttle the less critical patients to other hospitals. Garrus's sister will be brought here. Apparently she suffered an open fracture. Infection set in, and she hasn't been able to fight it off for any length of time." She shrugged. "That's all it said in the records I received last night. We'll just have to wait until she arrives and see."

"It's been nearly six months since she she was injured. That's a long time to battle an infection" Shepard shrugged. "They sure don't make them much tougher than a Vakarian." She laid her hand on the doctor's arm. "You need any extra hands for anything, you just holler. I might not know my thorax from my appendix, but I can run a sterilizing unit and mop a floor with the best of them."

The doctor laughed. "Thank you, Commander, I'll let you know."

Shepard headed toward the _Normandy_.

"Oh, and by the way, Commander... you don't have an appendix. It was removed when you were six."

Shepard turned, walking backwards and shrugged, laughing. "I think that nicely proves my point." She waved and turned, double timing it to the ramp when she saw Tali at the top.

"Hey, there!"

"Good morning, Commander. Where is everyone this morning?" the quarian asked.

"Most of them are probably over at the refugee camp helping get ready. I was meeting with   
Admiral Hackett." She looked at the young woman for a moment, then took her by the elbow. "Come sit with me for a minute." She led the way back down the ramp and sat on the edge. Taking a deep breath, she sighed. "I'm going to miss real air. I've never been on a ship for more than a few days without a break. The relays spoiled us. I can't even imagine what it was like for the first humans to set out for the other planets. No FTL, locked into cryo units for months, even years. I get the shivers even thinking about it."

Tali sat next to her. "I didn't notice it until my pilgrimage. When I went back to the flotilla, everything seemed so small and crowded. I used to walk in the garden spaces late at night when everyone was asleep or on duty and imagine that I was still out there, walking with real soil and rock under my feet." She bumped Shepard with her shoulder. "The trip back here wasn't too bad, but mostly because we were so focused on getting back and finding you. Garrus was completely convinced that you were waiting for us. His faith kept the rest of us going."

"I'm lucky as hell," Shepard replied. She looked into Tali's mask. "We're heading out for three or four months at least, maybe longer depending on where our investigation takes us. I'd miss you, but would understand if you wanted to make your way back to Rannoch. Maybe we could meet up with the flotilla somewhere."

Tali nodded, but didn't reply.

Shepard looked out over the docks. "I proposed a multi-species military academy to Admiral Hackett, and he's going to bring it up with Primarch Victus. It's just an idea right now, but I have a good feeling about it."

"An academy like that could probably use talented engineers," Tali said thoughtfully after a few seconds of silence.

"No doubt."

"It will probably end up being built on Palaven, or somewhere equally riddled with bacteria and viruses though." Tali shuddered.

"Probably."

"Still, I have gotten used to the crew on the _Normandy_ , and you'd all be completely lost without me."

"Completely."

"So, I don't know. Maybe I'll stick around for a while, see how the academy idea pans out. I can always hitch a ride to Rannoch later on if life with the rest of you becomes too unbearable."

Shepard grinned and patted her young friend's shoulder. "You're too good to us."

"I am. Besides, I've been watching the _Normandy_ 's version of Fleet and Flotilla for three years. I've got to find out how it turns out." She chuckled. "Will the human commander and her turian second-in-command find true love out amongst the stars?"

Shepard groaned. "When you put it that way, it sort of makes me want to throw up."

Tali giggled and got up. "Thanks for wanting me to stay, Captain."

"Thanks for wanting to stay, Tali'Zorah vas _Normandy_. I can't imagine the ship without you." Shepard stood and led the way up the ramp. "How are things going down in engineering?"

"We're ready to test the electrical systems. Adams seems to think we'll be okay with the upgraded energy plant and the recyclers, but all this new equipment is power-hungry. We've replaced or upgraded all the power control systems, but part of me expects a huge fireworks display as all our boards short out, then complete darkness." She hit the elevator controls.

"That would be bad." Shepard hit the button for the crew deck. "If we can avoid that, I'd appreciate it. What do the Alliance engineers say? Have you brought your concerns to their attention?"

"They pat me on the head and tell me to trust them." Tali sighed. "Gabby says I need to get a pair of platform boots. She thinks if I was taller, they might listen to me, or at least not be able to reach my head."

Shepard hid her smile. "I suppose having the whole ship black out won't be much of a victory though."

"Being able to say I told you so doesn't mean much when it puts the refits back a week," Tali agreed.

"Well, you and Adams are in charge of the _Normandy_ 's engineering systems. If you want to do more testing, add capacitor subsystems to help distribute the draw... whatever... do it. If the Alliance personnel have any issues with that, remind them you’re a quarian admiral."

"Yes, ma'am." Tali gave her a little salute as the elevator opened on the engineering deck.  
Shepard continued on, inspecting the work going on in the crew quarters. The Alliance crews had taken out the wall between the crew quarters and the starboard observation lounge, gutted both rooms and turned them into fairly luxurious quarters that featured half again as many bunks, exercise machines, weights, computer consoles and vid screens.

"Wow." She whistled, turning a slow circle to look over the completed work. "This is amazing."

"Yes, ma'am," Ensign Copeland replied from where he was sprawled out on a sofa watching a vid. "We're flying in style now."

"Well, you work hard. It's not like you stand around water coolers or walk in circles all day. You deserve a comfortable place to crash in your off hours. As you were, Ensign."

Shepard picked her way through the galley's remains then headed up to the CIC. She stopped just outside the door that still claimed it led to the research lab, memories of Mordin rising up to haunt her. When he'd heard that she and Garrus were becoming an item, he'd warned her about the dangers of cross-species intercourse. She chuckled softly to herself, remembering her mortification. Still, she was pretty sure that he was just worried about her getting hurt in his very sweet, but sideways manner.

She stepped through the door and into a narrow corridor that followed the right-hand wall. She opened the first stateroom door on the left and whistled.

"Gorgeous, aren't they?" Traynor asked, approaching from the direction of the war room.

"I think I'm moving down here." Shepard stepped inside the small, but warmly appointed room. A double bed pressed against the wall on the left and a desk/dresser combination stood to the right.

"The end one even has a private washroom with a shower." Traynor sighed. "I think I might just sneak in there now and again. You can court martial me if you like."

Shepard laughed. "There's a waste of the Alliance's budget. Stolen shower: punishment... three days in the stocks." She shrugged. "We'll have to install stocks."

"Most of the crew headed over to the refugee camp at first light." Traynor sighed. "I wanted to go with, but the convoy sent a crapload of records to help us find families for the thousands of children."

"Anything on your family, Sam?"

She swallowed hard and shook her head. "No, nor do I expect there to be. Cerberus likely snatched them right out of their beds and took them to that nightmare factory of theirs." She looked down at her hands, wringing them slightly. "You save them from the Collectors just in time for them ..."

Shepard reached out and laid her hand on Traynor's shoulder, knowing there was nothing she could say.

"They're at peace now. I just hold onto that."

"They are, and I believe they're watching out for you." Shepard glanced at the chrono on her omnitool. It was just about 1200. "Well, it's just about time for the refugees to start landing. I'd better get over to the hospital. I'll see you later. I've been designing a strategy to finally kick your butt at chess."

Traynor grinned. "You are such a beggar for punishment. I'll look forward to it."

____________________________________________________________________________

Shepard stepped down off the ramp just as an Alliance shuttle settled toward the tarmac, turning its back end to the _Normandy_ 's ramp. She covered her eyes to protect them from the dust stirred up by the thrusters, and moved out of the way. Instead of flying up into the ship, however, it just hovered a few feet off the ground. The hatch opened and Garrus jumped out.

"Hey, there," she called over the shuttle's thruster and engine noise. "Been over at the refugee camp?"

He nodded, leaning in to kiss her. "Helping get things ready for so many turians."

She wrapped an arm around his waist. "How are they set up over there?"

"Better than I expected thanks to those bunkers you and Bailey designed. All the supplies stored in them survived the Crucible." He nodded toward the hospital. "The first handful of ships were just getting landing clearance when Steve brought me back."

Shepard leaned in against Garrus's side as Steve swung the shuttle around and manoeuvred it into the shuttle bay. She smiled as he placed himself between her and the detritus kicked up by the thrusters.

"Come on," she said, nodding toward the hospital. "Let's get over there."

He nodded, taking a deep breath, betraying his nervousness at seeing his father again, despite how badly he'd been hoping for the reunion. "So, how did your meeting with Hackett go?"

"Good. He liked the academy idea and is bringing it up with Adrien this afternoon. He asked me to give the Alliance eighteen more months when I told him I was retiring."

"Oh? And what did you say?" He opened the front door and stepped back to let her through.

"I agreed. If the academy gets support from Palaven, Tuchanka and the Flotilla, he's going to attach the _Normandy_ to its founding."

Garrus nodded. "Sounds like a reasonable compromise. Allows them to plaster your face all over the recruitment posters for a year and a half."

His words made her cringe. Why hadn't she thought of that before she said yes? "Yeah. Joy of joys."

"My name is Commander Shepard, and the Alliance is my favourite career choice in the galaxy."

She let out a surprised laugh and shook her head, grinning at him. "Sometimes you are such a ..." She took an overly dramatic deep breath. "No, I'm just going to let that go. Although, from the sound of it, I won't be Commander Shepard for much longer. Hackett threw in a promotion."

"Hackett also said that Palaven has already agreed to the co-development and construction of new ships." She stepped around a wheelchair, smiling down at the elderly occupant. "If the academy goes through, it sounds like we might be heading down the road to a representative galactic government."

Garrus nodded. "There was a lot of talk in the refugee camp about elections to replace the Earth and Alliance governments. A more representative galactic government is a big issue, Shepard. People are pissed that the Council just sat on their hands and left Earth and Palaven to bleed."

"Hackett mentioned that too. When the galaxy needed them most, they were all but useless. I can't blame people for wanting them gone. I bet they put up a hell of a fight, though."

"They called you a delusional liar while Saren and the heretic Geth tried to unleash the Reapers, then refused to do anything to stop the Collectors from committing genocide against your people." As he spoke, Garrus's voice became harder, enraged.

Shepard watched him, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile. He was going to kick the Council out of power. Suddenly, she just knew it. They were going to be brought down, and he'd be the agent of their downfall.

"Even with the Reapers rampaging through the galaxy, only Sparatus stepped up, and that was a token. When praying the Reapers wouldn't attack them didn't work, they cried for you to save them, then moaned and bitched when ... huge surprise ... one woman couldn't liberate their entire planet."

Shepard took his hand as they stepped out the back door onto the landing pad, stilling his rant before he worked himself up any further.

"Maybe a galactic congress won't be any more effective," he said, his voice dropping and softening again. "But it can't be any more useless."

Workers raced around setting up a triage area, so she and Garrus stood well back out of the way. The first shuttle touched down ten minutes after they arrived. A turian opened the shuttle door from the inside and began unloading stretchers, moving everyone with a command that no one questioned. With great efficiency, the shuttle was unloaded and took off, leaving the turian commander behind. Another shuttle landed immediately after the first took off and was unloaded with similar efficiency.

"Your father?" Shepard asked.

Garrus nodded.

"He's good."

He nodded again, then stepped forward as a turian on a stretcher was carefully lowered from the shuttle door. "Stretch!"

The turian lifted her head to look at Garrus, but just sank back onto the pillow, too weak even to speak.

Shepard grabbed Garrus's arm, hugging it to keep him back. "We'll go to her as soon as they get everyone squared away."

He nodded and pulled away from her, but to get his arm loose and wrap it around her waist, pulling her close. "There's nothing to her, Shepard."

She just pressed close as the second shuttle took off and was replaced by a third. "Is Stretch her nickname?"

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "She wasn't very old when she hit a major growth spurt and shot up nearly thirty cm in a couple of cycles." His mandibles fluttered hard. "She calls me Twig, so..."

"Skinny kid, huh?"

"When she was very small and got sick, I'd read to her. Her favourite was a myth about about an ancient queen who seized power and led armies in a time when it was unheard of for females to do such things. She'd ask me to read it over and over. I could probably still recite it from memory."

"Solana spoke of that just the other day."

Garrus turned to stare at his father for a moment, then walked over and leaned in to touch his brow to his father's. After a couple of breaths, Shepard saw the tension drain from him, and he embraced the elder Vakarian, grasping his shoulders. "I'm damned glad to see you, Dad."

Herros returned the embrace, holding Garrus at arm's length, looking him over. "As I'm to see you, Garrus. You're looking well."

Garrus nodded. "Yes, sir. And you? You weren't injured?"

"No, I'm fine." He gave a sharp nod and looked over at Shepard.

Garrus stepped back and held his hand out to Shepard. She took it and stepped up beside him. "Dad, I'd like you to meet Commander Jane Shepard. Shepard, this is my father, Herros Vakarian."

Shepard smiled and stepped forward to take the elder Vakarian's offered hand. "It's a great pleasure to meet you, sir."

"And to meet you as well, Commander." He gave her a slight, turian smile, his mandibles spreading a little. "Although, I admit I expected you to be taller; ten, maybe fifteen feet, and I'm sure I saw wings in my mind's eye."

Shepard chuckled. "No, no wings. Could have used them a few times, though. Sorry to disappoint, sir."

Herros sobered and held her hand between both of his. "Not at all, Commander. Not at all."

Garrus led the way into the emergency wing of the hospital, holding the door open for them. "So, what happened to Solana?"

"She was escorting civilians to the nearest evac center when her shuttle was shot down. You know your sister, she just grabbed a rifle, bullied the civilians into line and set out for the transports on foot. She carved a path through the Reaper lines, had the evacuees just about there when one of the Brutes charged her. It broke her leg just above the ankle. She refused to stop, just grabbed a chunk of broken metal to use as a crutch and kept going. When she arrived at the transport, they discovered that it was an open fracture. The impact had shattered her armour and forced the bone right out the other side. They did their best to clean it at the evac center, but a week in, she was burning up."

Garrus led the way into the waiting room. "It's been months."

Herros shrugged and took a seat facing the door to the triage area. "Sol's a fighter. We thought she'd beaten it a couple of times, but the meds stopped working or ran out, and it came back worse than ever."

Shepard and Garrus sat across from him, Garrus slipping his arm behind her. She smiled at Herros as the elder turian's mandibles fluttered, and he gave a slight nod.

"She's in good hands with Dr. Chakwas," Garrus told his father. "She's brought both of us back from the edge more than once."

"So." Herros leaned back, settling into his seat. "While we were fighting our way across Palaven, what were you doing?"

Shepard chuckled at the question and looked at Garrus. "What were we doing?"

He shrugged. "We kept busy."

Giving Herros a wide smile, Shepard nodded. "Yeah, busy about sums it up."

As they waited, they gave Garrus's father the abridged version of the events leading up to the Reaper's demise.

When they finished, he nodded and Shepard was pretty sure he gave her a wink. "Curing the genophage, saving the Citadel and Council yet again, peace between the quarians and the geth ... That could be called keeping busy."

A few minutes later, Dr. Chakwas pushed through the doors from the patient area and, after scanning the room, walked over to them. Garrus stood to make introductions, then the doctor sat next to Shepard.

"Your daughter is very weak. She's doing her best to fight off some very virulent, drug-resistant bacteria. We went in surgically and excised as much of the infected tissue as we could. This meant replacing approximately nine inches of bone with grafts. She's on high calorie nutrition therapy, we're stimulating stem cell reproduction, and we're giving her a very strong cocktail of antibiotics. It'll be touch and go, but she's fought hard to get this far, and I know for a fact that Vakarians aren't quitters."

"When will we be able to see her?" Garrus asked.

"She'll be asleep for a few hours yet. She's in a significant amount of pain, so is heavily medicated." She gave Herros an encouraging smile. "Get yourself settled and then come back. She'll be able to have visitors for a few minutes."

"Thank you, doctor," Herros replied, standing to shake her hand again.

"Thank you, Dr. Chakwas," Garrus echoed.

Shepard squeezed Karin's hand. When the doctor returned back behind the doors, Shepard glanced over at Garrus. "How far is the camp from here?"

"It's about twenty minutes outside London."

Shepard sighed. "That's a long way from the hospital, and the state rooms on the _Normandy_ are completed. I'm sure we can put your father up there until Solana is out of the woods."

Garrus nodded. "Dad? Come on, we'll grab your things and get you settled on the _Normandy_."

Herros offered his hand to Shepard. "Thank you, Commander... Jane."

She stood and shook his hand. "You're most welcome, sir. I'll hang around here and send word if she wakes up."

Garrus laid a hand on her arm. "Thanks, Shepard."

She kissed his cheek, then gave him a push toward the door. "Get moving. Time's wasting."

Shepard spent the early afternoon visiting with the wounded who'd come in on the shuttles; comforting them, laughing with them, swapping stories. She introduced herself just as Jane, and if they recognized her, they kept it to themselves.

Dr. Chakwas caught up with Shepard as the commander decided to see if she could find any food. It had been a long time since her toast that morning.

"Shepard. Solana is awake."

"Thanks, Karin. They aren't back yet, so I guess I'll call them, then go in and sit with her until they arrive." She frowned, wincing a little as she asked. "How's she doing? Do you think she's got a decent shot at pulling through?"

The doctor took a deep breath and waggled her head to either side. "I think she'll pull through, but getting back on her feet is going to be a long and brutal process, Shepard. She's been down for five months or more, and unable to get out of bed or care for herself for at least the last couple of months."

Shepard nodded then shrugged. "Well, then we'll look after her, get her back on her feet. That's what family does."

"It is, at that, Commander. I'll see you later."

Shepard called Garrus to let him know Solana was awake, then headed back into the ICU, going through decon a couple of times just to make sure. She stepped through the door into the small, dark room, her entire body glowing blue from the decon lights that kept the room sterile. The female turian lay still under a thick layer of blankets, tubes and wires connecting her to a host of machines.

Shepard walked up to the side of the bed to find a familiar set of blue eyes looking up at her. She smiled. "Hi. My name is Jane Shepard. Your father and Garrus are on their way. They should be here any minute."

"You’re Garrus' commander?" The voice was low and exhausted, but strength was still evident in the tone.

"Yes, I am."

"You love my brother?" The blue eyes closed.

Shepard felt the heat rising up her neck, and she stammered for a moment. "Um... yeah... yeah, I sure do. Very much."

"Good." Her breathing evened out as she drifted back off.

Shepard sat in the chair next to the bed, taking a moment to just lean back, close her eyes and relax. The room had a restful, peaceful atmosphere.

"Garrus told me that when you were small, he would read to you when you were sick. When you're feeling a little better, I'll tell you about my favourite rebel queen from human history. She ticked everyone off so badly, they chiseled her right out of history." She sighed, letting the peaceful silence settle, then added, "That's probably what they'll do with me."

Nearly a half hour later, she stood and laid her hand over Solana's. "I'm going to just grab some water. Hopefully, your dad and Garrus will get here soon."

The turian's eyes opened, and she gave a slight nod.

"But, I'll be right back to bore you some more if they don't." She grinned. "Just be glad no one is reading you elcor romances." She shuddered. "So unfair that I was in a coma and couldn't fight back."

Solana's mandibles twitched, and her eyes closed again.

Shepard met Garrus and Herros outside the critical care unit. She took Garrus's hands and leaned in to kiss him softly. "Get everything settled?"

He nodded. "How's she doing?"

"She's weak, but she was awake a moment ago. Go on in. I'll back as soon as I grab some water." She laid a hand on Herros's arm as she passed him.

Armed with a bottle of water, she headed back in, but then stopped just outside the door, giving the two men some time alone with her. Garrus was sitting in the chair on one side of the bed, Herros standing on the other. Both men were holding Solana's hands, Herros stroking his daughter's wrist softly. Shepard smiled, loving both of them in that moment. So much for unemotional, tough-as-nails Turians.

She watched Garrus's father, seeing the sorrow, worry and exhaustion that weighed him down. When he looked at Garrus, however, she saw something else. She saw a man who knew that he'd made mistakes, who loved his son, but who had no idea what to do or say to make anything better between them.

"Don't worry," Shepard whispered softly. "We'll get it worked out."

Solana's eyes opened a little then drifted closed. "Garrus."

"Hey there, Stretch," Garrus said softly. "How are you feeling?"

"Not so good, Twig."

"Well, don't worry. We'll get you sorted. Our doctor is one of the best in the galaxy. She's the only reason I still have a face."

"... supposed to make me feel better? ... not her fault ... always funny looking." She panted softly for breath. "You, Twig? You okay?"

Garrus lifted her hand to his cheek. "Yeah, I'm good. You don't need to talk. We'll have time to talk when you're feeling better."

"I met your mate. She's your mate, right?"

"Shepard?" He shook his head. "No. We haven't crashed that shuttle."

"What? You love her enough to mark her."

"Yes, I love her, but Shepard's human. I want to honour her people's mating rituals as well before I call us bonded."

"Get moving. Time is short." She seemed to struggle for breath, talking so much having worn her out.

"Easy there, Stretch. Get some rest." He tucked her hand back under the blankets. "You just worry about getting better." He leaned up to touch his brow to hers.

Shepard walked the rest of the way in and stood next to Garrus. She bent to kiss him and laid her hand on the back of his neck. He slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her in against his side.

"At least she's still the bossiest little sister in the galaxy," he said. "That's got to be a good sign."

"Dad," Solana said, and tugged on his hands weakly, "get some rest. You haven't slept for days. Garrus will stay with me."

Herros bent down to touch his brow to his daughter's then nuzzled her cheek. "Very well, if you insist." He held her hand to his mouth, his eyes closed, looking to Shepard as though he was praying. After a moment, he straightened. "I'll be back in a couple of hours."

"When you've slept." Solana's eyes turned to Shepard. "You keep my brother in line?"

Shepard chuckled and nodded. "I have some limited success doing so."

"Good. Make sure Dad sleeps and eats. A shower wouldn't kill him, either."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of him. You just rest." Shepard bent and kissed the top of Garrus's head. "I'm going to go get some food, hun. You're staying here?"

"Yeah, I can keep her company when she's awake."

"Good. I'll be back in a bit. Call if you need anything." She crouched and laid her hands on his knees. "Hey." She smiled up into his eyes. "Looks like the spirits heard you that day." She reached up to caress his face. "I'm so glad they did." She kissed him softly, then stood and headed for the door.

"Jane, may I accompany you?" Herros asked.

"Of course, sir. It would be my pleasure." 

"He likes her, Twig... calling her Jane already."

Garrus chuckled. "Yeah, I bet her he would. I wish I'd made it so she had to pay out every time. He'd be making me rich."

Shepard grinned and shook her head as she stepped into the decon grid.

Shepard walked silently beside Herros until they stepped through the front doors. She smiled as he stopped and took a deep breath or two. "Nice breathing real air again, sir? Things must have been getting pretty brutal on the transports."

He nodded. "Not a lot of dextro-friendly worlds between Palaven, Widow and Earth. We rationed, stopped to hunt, gather, take on water where we could. We made it."

Shepard smiled and nodded. "Yes, you did." She slipped her hand through his elbow. "Let's get some food into you, then I think a shower and a long nap is in order."

She reached up to activate her radio. " _Normandy_? Shepard. I need the best dextro meal we can manage and some of that ... stew, I think it was, from last night brought down to the picnic tables." She grinned. "Really? I could have sworn it was stew. Well, it didn't kill me yesterday, so I'll take my chances again. Just drown it in hot sauce, and it'll be okay. Thanks."

Shepard led Herros toward the river. "We can eat down here. I figure that you've seen enough of the inside of ships to do you for a bit."

He nodded, but she saw that faraway look in his eyes again, and she knew he was worrying about Solana.

"She's going to be fine, sir." She squeezed his arm a little. "Your family is here, safe and being looked after. You can allow yourself a breath or two."

He stopped and looked down at her, his mandibles dropping a little, the first outward display she'd seen of his concern. "It's the most terrifying responsibility in the galaxy, Jane. I've already made so many mistakes, done things so wrong." After a moment, he gave a resolute nod and started back toward the river. "But, you're right. They're here, they're as safe as can be expected, and one of them is happy and in love. I can't believe that man is my son."

Shepard smiled. "Of course you can. He's the way you always saw him in your mind's eye when he was living the life you hoped for him."

Herros chuckled. "Once again, you're correct. Thank you for looking after Garrus."

Shepard gestured for him to sit on the side of the table facing the river and moved around to sit facing him. "It's the least I could do. He looks after me tirelessly." She smiled a warm, happy grin as all the love and respect and gratitude she felt welled up. "He gives without a thought. I wouldn't have made it even as far as the Collector base without him. Despite trying to present the rigid, turian, tough guy image, he's the single most compassionate person I've ever known. Sort of a 'buck up and be strong, but if you need help doing that, I'm all over it' attitude."

Herros smiled. "You see through us in an alarming way."

"Yeah, big softies, the lot of you, but it's okay; your secret is safe with me." She winked. "Garrus and Solana seem as though they're cut from the same cloth."

"They were as children." He leaned forward, his elbows on the table, hands clasped. "As they got older, Sol got tough and became an overachiever. Garrus got sullen and rebellious."

Shepard smiled. "I took a page from both their books, I guess. After my parents died, I became a sullen overachiever." She shivered as the breeze blew up from the river and curled in around her legs. "Mm... it's chilly today. Are you all right out here? I know cold isn't your species' thing."

He nodded. "I'm fine. The fresh air is a relief. The stench of the fires, burning bodies, and decay got into the transport and never came out."

"Yeah, like a bad dream you just can't shake." She shuddered, but then rolled her neck and let her shoulders drop, trying to relax a little while she could.

Silence fell between them for nearly five minutes, but she felt no reason to fill it. From the moment she'd met Herros, despite having dreaded it, she'd felt completely at ease with him. Maybe it was because of all his years as a cop. He just felt ... safe.

"I saw footage of what happened on Mindoir, Jane. It was an unconscionable atrocity. So many killed or taken." He shook his head. "For someone so young to face such brutality and loss ... You're an individual of extraordinary strength and resilience."

Shepard looked up as a flock of birds swooped down into the docks, following them as they circled around, then took off. "I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were strong, loving people. Losing them was hard, but it could have been far worse."

Herros' mandibles dropped and he cleared his throat. "When you became a Spectre, and Garrus decided to pursue Saren on your crew, I wanted to know what sort of person my son was throwing away his career to follow, so I did some digging. I possessed significant security clearances and used them. I've seen the sealed footage of what happened to you, Jane."

Shepard sighed and shook her head. For almost two decades the footage the Alliance ground team took when they entered the colony and found her had remained sealed. She'd demanded that it be locked away. It was not an image of herself that she wished people to see... nor one that she wished to see of herself.

"Garrus doesn't know the extent of what happened. I told him that I was knocked unconscious, coming to after the bulk of the batarian slavers had moved on. He doesn't know that they captured me, nor what they did."

Herros leaned forward, giving her a stern, turian scowl. "Why didn't you tell him the truth, Jane?"

She picked at the wooden table top. "I don't want that picture in his head when he looks at me. I left that broken child behind me a half lifetime ago."

"Broken?" The word came out sounding angry. "Is that how you think you look when people see that footage?" He reached out a hand, laying it over hers, stilling her fidgeting. "I could live a thousand cycles and not forget the smoking ruins of the fields spreading from horizon to horizon, the bodies of the elderly left where they'd fallen. The Alliance troops moving toward the small cluster of houses in the distance, and this speck appeared in the middle of all that destruction, this tiny girl sitting with one leg under her, an old blanket draped over her shoulders."

He squeezed her hand. "If I hadn't seen humans who'd been beaten to death in my time in C-Sec, I wouldn't have been able to tell you were human. When that soldier ran up to you, you raised that old pistol, holding it rock steady aimed between his eyes, and just said, 'That's close enough'.

"I've never seen a sight more magnificent and strong than you were in that moment. Most grown men would have surrendered to the chains without a fight, begged for mercy, but I knew that you'd fought them every centimetre of the way and survived through sheer will. You were far from broken, Jane. Far from it."

Shepard looked up into his eyes and gave him a tiny smile and a nod of gratitude, falling in love with her father-in-law to be as she saw no pity... nothing but truth looking back at her.

Ensign Copeland arrived with a tray piled with covered plates, bowls, and two thermoses. He set it down and gave Shepard a quick salute. "I hope it's okay, ma'am."

"I'm sure it will be, Ensign. Thank you. It looks as though you outdid yourself. I appreciate that."

"You're welcome, ma'am." He grinned and trotted back to the _Normandy_.

Shepard sorted through the food, scanning anything she couldn't identify to see if it was levo or dextro. When she had everything laid out, she gave Herros a tentative grimace. "I apologize in advance if it's terrible."

Herros chuckled and tucked in. After a few mouthfuls, he shrugged. "I've had worse, and I've had better."

Shepard ate hers. "I was told this was pasta and meatballs, but I'm still pretty sure it's stew. Thank goodness for hot sauce."

As they ate, she brought him up to speed on current events, including the military academy. The more she thought about it, the more excited she got about creating it. "Imagine," she said, "species from every race serving on jointly built ships. Krogan and turian on the same crew, defending each other's people ..." She shook her head. "I hope we can make it happen."

"I never thought to see krogan and turian forces fighting together, but as we evacuated, we came across several units. Battle had forged them into brothers and sisters, even in such a short time. It was an amazing thing to see." He gathered up his dishes onto the tray. "Would you mind if I added my voice to yours? I still have some pull with the Hierarchy, and I'd like to see this happen."

Jane placed her dishes on the tray as well and got up. "I'd welcome it, sir." She nodded toward the _Normandy_. "Now, let's get you some rest, so you can get back and see your daughter without getting nagged." She chuckled.

He stepped up beside her. "I'm glad to have finally met you, Jane."

Shepard smiled. "Thank you, sir. I'm glad to have met you as well." She took the tray in one hand, slipping the other through his elbow again. "Do me one favour?"

He nodded. "Anything."

"If Garrus tries to push you away because things are awkward, don't let him. Keep on him. Spend the time you want to spend with him. Things will smooth out."

Stopping, he leaned down and touched his brow to hers. "Thank you, Jane."


	12. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An emergency on the Citadel.

**Pari:** Turian closed dialect for father

 

 **Torin** :  Turian male having reached the age of majority (15)

 

**February 22, 2187**

The next two days passed by so fast that Shepard could barely keep track. Now that she was officially the commander of the  _Normandy_  again, Shepard spent eighteen hours a day making sure that the Alliance crews and her own people had what they needed to get her ship back out in the black again. Garrus offered to help, but considering that he only had a few days to spend with his father and sister before they shipped out, she made him take the time off.

She was glad to see Herros taking her advice as she stumbled across them breaking her 'time off' edict. They even seemed to form an unholy alliance dedicated to fooling her into thinking Garrus was on leave despite her finding the pair of them buried deep in discussions about how to make the aft battery safer.

All three of them spent as much time as they were allowed at Solana's bedside, and Jane soon discovered that she had a kindred spirit in Garrus's sister. Sol, as she preferred to be called, possessed a keen technical and strategic mind, and helped Jane start to form a plan for tracking down the raiders who had attacked the refugee convoy. Sol was eager to hear about what had happened elsewhere during the war and listened to Jane talk for hours about Cerberus's machinations, the hunt to discover Leviathan, and bringing an end to the quarian's long exile. Eventually, she even coaxed Shepard into talking about her decision to sacrifice the geth and EDI to destroy the Reapers.

Through it all, the turian said little, just letting the commander work it all out aloud.

"Commander Shepard?" a warm, familiar accent dragged Shepard from her thoughts.

"Yes, Traynor?" Shepard looked up from her computer, blinking to try to focus on anything further away than a couple dozen centimetres. She'd gotten up at 0500, and spent the last four hours staring at her computer screen.

"Call coming in from Admiral Hackett. His office said it's urgent."

"Put it through." Shepard let out a long, raspy breath and leaned back as the comm channel opened. "Yes, Admiral? How can I help you?"

"We have a situation on the Citadel, Commander. Details are sketchy, but a disturbing report came in from one of the clean-up crews. They believe they've found operational Reaper tech in the rubble of the Council Chambers. Alliance personnel has cordoned off the area, but I need you to take a team up there and see what we're dealing with."

She got up. "We'll head up now, sir, but the Catalyst assured me that the Crucible would destroy all Reaper tech." She ignored the little mutter in her head that reminded her of her own survival despite what the Catalyst had said. "The workers must be mistaken." She headed for the elevator.

"Let's hope so, Commander. Keep me posted. Hackett out."

Shepard hit the button, sending the elevator down to the armoury, her heart hammering in her chest. If this was true, how much more could be out there, lying around waiting to be misused or indoctrinate whoever found it? What if somehow an entire Reaper had survived? Even a destroyer would be more than any world could deal with in their current state.

"Don't start worrying until there is something to worry about," she growled at herself, then called Garrus and Javik to gear up and meet her at the shuttle. Hopefully, if she didn't know what she was looking at, Javik would.

She stepped off the elevator and headed straight for her locker. "Cortez, get the shuttle ready to go. We've picked up a mission to check out something on the Citadel."

"Aye, aye, ma'am," he called back, hurrying to get the Kodiak prepped.

Garrus and Javik arrived a few moments later.

"What is going on, Commander?" the Prothean asked.

"Workers on the Citadel think they've found functioning Reaper tech in the Council Chambers. I don't see how it's possible. It's probably just a chunk off one of the wrecks, but best to check it out and make sure we don't have a problem."

"I'm sure it's nothing, Shepard," Garrus said, pulling his Mantis from his locker and slapping in a heat sink. "But it'll be good to get out and stretch our legs a bit."

Shepard nodded. "I've been going a wee bit stir crazy staring at vid screens and reports all day." She slung her Mattock on her back, hung her Suppressor from her belt and grabbed her breather helmet.

"Shuttle's just about ready to go. Just clearing take off through Alliance control now," Cortez called as the forks lowered the shuttle at the top of the open ramp.

Shepard checked all her gear three times, making sure that she hadn't forgotten anything. Steve had pulled pop quizzes on her a couple of times, and she'd sailed through them, but she still worried that she'd forget something.

Shepard's omni-tool beeped that it had received the official mission brief from command. She climbed into the shuttle and sat before sending it to Garrus and Javik.

Garrus thumped down into the seat next to hers. "Ready to go, Shepard."

She looked at him, hearing a stress in his voice that she wasn't used to. "You okay, Garrus?"

He nodded and cocked his head, cracking his neck. "Yeah, the Citadel's just creepy as hell these days. Add possible Reaper tech to that … ."

Shepard nodded. If not for the current emergency, it might have been years before she set foot on the Citadel again. Too many ugly memories looming far too close. How many times had she fought her way across the damned thing, stepping around the bodies of innocent victims … even friends. In fact, she might never have set foot on the station again. "I hear you."

A tiny smile broke through the bad memories. Of course, it had been where she told Garrus that she loved him. They'd danced a tango, and gone on a couple of pretty spectacular dates … so maybe, she would have gone back eventually. If he walked at her side, naturally.

Javik stepped into the shuttle, his entire air one of being gravely inconvenienced. "Let us go and get this exercise over with, Commander," he said, grumbling as he sat down. For someone more than fifty thousand years old, he looked remarkably like a petulant five-year-old.

Shepard nodded to Steve, chuckling as the pilot muttered, "Yes, sir, Admiral Prothean, sir," on his way to the cockpit.

The shuttle ride to the Citadel passed by in smooth silence. Shepard spent the first ten minutes looking over the reports from the workers. "There's nothing at all substantial in here," she sighed. "I'm not sure why Hackett thought we needed to check this out." She scrolled down the brief. "We thought we saw something ... it may have been active. Alliance troops could have gone in and done an eyes-on at least."

Garrus shrugged and bumped her shoulder with his arm. "Weren't your exact words, 'Get Shepard! Only Shepard can handle a hiccough like that?'"

Laughing, she closed the brief and bumped him back. "Apparently we can add spooked workers seeing things right under hiccoughs of unusual scope and malice." She relaxed back into her seat, her alarm tapering off after reading the brief. As Garrus had said, it was a good chance to get out and stretch their legs. She slipped her hand over his thigh, sliding her fingers into his talons. Javik shook his head and looked away, but right then she couldn't have cared less about appearances.

Halfway there, she jerked upright and let out a groan. "Damn, I hope this doesn't take too long. I forgot to call Sol and let her know we might be late for our lunch." She chuckled when Garrus just chuffed and rolled his eyes.

"It's not like she's going to leave the restaurant before we arrive, Shepard." He squeezed her fingers, his thumb caressing the inside of her wrist, an unconscious, comforting motion.

"Five minutes to the Citadel Tower, Commander," Steve called back, glancing over his shoulder.

She met his eyes. "Where are you bringing us in?"

"Landing on the exterior of the tower near the hatch the workers have been using to access the Council Chambers."

"Sounds like where we went in chasing Saren," Garrus said. He leaned into her, his gaze far away and slightly haunted, as if the ghosts of that night rose up thick, pressing in around him. After a moment, he focused on her again. "A whole other life," he whispered.

Shepard nodded and pulled his hand over to press against her, not liking the drawn look around his eyes or the slack way his mandibles hung. "That fight up the tower was a little more action-packed than the trip on the elevator, but took about the same length of time." She tried to warm Garrus with a bright smile. "And I didn't have to listen to your awkward conversations. The group of you got along like a house on fire until you entered an elevator, and then … the most uncomfortable awkwardness in the history of awkwardness."

Garrus shrugged and returned her smile, loosening up a little. "So much easier to relate to people with bullets flying past your head."

"The part that gets me," Steve yelled back, turning to look at her again, "is that you drove a Mako through a mass relay. What sort of mad woman does that?"

"This sort," Garrus answered, taking an elbow to the side as he chuckled. "And it wasn't even her worst landing."

"You drove an armoured vehicle through a mass relay, Commander?" Javik asked. His expression transitioned between disinterest and disbelief, then back, one brow working its way up and down a few times. To his credit, he kept the sneer in place.

Shepard shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"No, it seemed like a terrible idea at the time," Garrus corrected. "It was just the only option."

Cortez set the shuttle down, and Shepard put on her helmet. She stood, popped the hatch and stepped out. Looking up at the ward arms that spread out from the center like broken fingers, she sighed and turned a slow circle.

"The last time I stood here," she said, her voice soft, "Sovereign was about all I could see." She took a few, slow steps, a cool, wan chill spreading through her. The damage from the Crucible spread out from the center, and the Presidium remained barely more than a frame of structural tungsten reinforced steel. "How did I survive?" she whispered, her voice burrowing down into her throat, a mole taking refuge underground.

A strong arm wrapped around her waist and drew her forward. "Come on, we have a mystery to solve." Garrus squeezed her against his side. "You've never been able to resist a mystery, Shepard. Today isn't the day to start."

She smiled and looked up into the blacked out faceplate of his helmet. She'd always hated that … not being able to look into his eyes. Sometimes she most needed to on missions. "I don't know, maybe today is the perfect day to kick the habit." He hesitated, stumbling as his steps stuttered a little.

After a moment, he shook whatever it was off, straightened his back, and led the way down the narrow trench to the hatch and the Alliance soldiers standing guard. "Anything to report?"

The soldier on the right blanched and stuttered. "Oh ... uh, Commander Shepard … Officer Vakarian, I didn't realize … I mean, um … no, sir. Keepers are all over in there, but nothing else is moving." He straightened, standing at attention, his expression so earnest that it took all of Shepard's considerable control to keep herself from shaking him and yelling at him to just relax.

Instead, she opted for latching onto the second mystery of the day. "Keepers?" Shepard asked, looking to the second soldier as Garrus opened the outer hatch. "I would have thought they'd all been killed."

Nodding toward the hatch, the soldier shrugged. "Yes, ma'am. We didn't see any for about the first two weeks," the woman told her, "but then they just started popping up. First a few here and there, now thousands of them." She smiled.

"Huh. Thank you." Shepard shrugged her Mattock into her hand and stepped through the hatch. Garrus followed her, sealing it behind them before they opened the inner hatch. Shepard crouched to look through. She didn't see anything in the immediate area that set off her alarms. She dropped through, her Mattock sweeping automatically as she scanned for threats. What she saw presented the third mystery of the day. She took a couple of steps, her mouth hanging open. When Garrus hit the ground behind her, she turned to stare up into that black helmet.

"What the … ." She shuffled in another circle, then walked forward a few steps, gaze leaping around as she tried to reconcile what she'd thought she'd see and the actual space. Other than the trees being bare of their usual blossoms and the fountains sitting idle, the Council Chambers looked as though the war had passed them over.

"Okay, wait … the reports said they found the Reaper tech in the rubble," she said softly, drifting up to the first set of stairs, her toes dragging. If a threat awaited them somewhere, it certainly wasn't hidden or lurking amongst the ruins. That required actual ruins.

"The keepers swarmed in here first," Garrus replied, his tone even … almost educational, certainly not surprised or thrown. The sharp tread of his boots on the tile followed her up the aisle. "It's been mostly repaired for weeks. They seem to have spread out from this central point, repairing as they go."

Shepard stopped at the bottom of the first set of stairs staring up the vaulted length of the chamber toward the massive windows and the gleaming blues and white of Earth beyond. She'd seen a lot of beautiful views in her time, but that repaired piece of the past overlooking the home that had been spared the Reapers' final horror … she didn't think anything had ever stolen her breath away quite so completely.

Tearing her eyes away from the vista, she turned to face her torin. "How do you know all this?" she asked, her voice barely loud enough to carry. "If there's no rubble … ." She let the thought trail off as bewildered eyes stared into that annoyingly blank mask for a moment before searching the length of the room behind him. Their third seemed to have decided he wasn;t needed.

Shepard stepped around Garrus, the endless layers of mystery starting to piss her off. "Where's Javik?" She spun around again and backed up a couple of steps, beginning to feel like a rabbit venturing too far from the woods.

Garrus wrapped an arm around her, halting her retreat. "It's okay, Shepard." He gave her a squeeze before stepping past her. He hung up his rifle and climbed the stairs toward the first fountain, looking completely relaxed … well, not relaxed, exactly, but at least he seemed fine with the strange unfolding of events. Shepard's toes dragged in slow, reluctant steps, her eyes tracking him as he stopped at the top and turned to face her. Reaching up, he slipped off his helmet then set it on the side railing.

Letting out a rumbling sort of sigh, he smiled as looked around. "I was standing right … " He moved to the center, just past the top of the stairs. "… here." His mandibles trembled a little, then drew tight. "It's okay, Shepard." He held out his hand, inviting her to join him.

Still sensing a hawk circling overhead, Shepard removed her helmet and edged over to the railing to set it next to his. "Garrus, what's going on? Where's Javik?"

"Javik is on the shuttle." His mandibles fluttered again, and he took a deep breath. "Please, trust me?" His hand stretched out a little further.

His entreaty finally broke through the anxious frustration. Still, Shepard's eyes narrowed as she climbed the stairs and slipped her fingers into his. "So," she said, the light slowly beginning to dawn, "Javik is back on the shuttle, the Council Chambers are neither in ruin nor containing any Reaper tech, and you were standing right there."

The hawk circling overhead swooped down, punching straight through her guts as he cleared his throat, chuckled and nodded. Swallowing hard, she watched him fidget. Garrus didn't fidget. Anger gave way to nerves, the hawk exploding into an entire flock of starlings in her belly. Tears began to prickle the backs of her eyes as a gentle hand closed around her throat, making it hard to breathe.

He gripped her hand tight and tugged her a couple of steps closer. "The first time I saw you," he said, "you came striding up here, full of confidence and righteous indignation." His other hand rose to brush a stray curl from her brow. He smiled and cocked his head a little, his eyes studying her face as if his memory held that day and that Shepard up in front of the version standing before him. His talons brushed her brow again, gentle, loving … almost reverent. "They designed this chamber to intimidate, to set people at a disadvantage when they met with the Council, but it didn't faze you in the least."

She smiled, one shoulder popping up in a tiny shrug. "Confession time," she whispered. "It may have intimidated me ever so slightly." Taking a step toward him, she waited to see where his path led. The starlings thought they knew and started squawking up a storm. Her heart thumped hard and quick, beating against the back side of her ribs, bringing back the sensation of being lifted out of her body and thrown into FTL.

Closing the last step, he caressed her cheek, those ice-blue eyes riveted on hers. "Right here, four years ago, I started a new life, leaving behind everything I owned, everyone I knew, everything I thought I knew, even who I thought I was." His voice softened, deepening and rumbling with intimate subvocals that raised her skin into gooseflesh as he took her hand between both of his. "So, it seemed like the best place to start another new life."

Shepard's breath caught in her lungs, her diaphragm completely refusing to pull new air in or push the old out as Garrus lowered himself to one knee. The tears she still managed to keep barricaded behind her eyes began to feel like a nest of angry bees. His mandibles trembled ever so slightly, his eyes glassy and bashful. Oh dear lord … wasn't he just the most remarkable, the most … beautiful creation to have ever been born into the tired old galaxy? Her free hand lifted to his face of its own volition, its fingertips skating along the sweep of his scarred mandible.

As he spoke, he leaned into her touch as if drawing strength from it. "Jane Shepard, you took a chance on a foolish, hotheaded rebel and led him into a future that he couldn't even have imagined before that day. Over the cycles … losing you, rediscovering you … and us … you've become the beginning and end to every thought, the steel in my bones, and the blood in my veins."

Shepard's lungs decided to cooperate and drew in a tremulous breath. Did he understand that over those exact same years, he'd become all that and more? Did he know that her heart no longer remembered how to beat without him? She brushed her thumb over his cheekbone. Vision focusing down, excluding everything that wasn't him … her ears blocking out everything but his voice, she knew that some things in the universe were meant to be. Not one moment of her life had been lived wrongly. Not one decision had been false. Not if they'd all led her to him and that moment. She'd come back from death—she bit back a soft chuckle, not wanting to shatter the beauty of the moment with her ironic obtusity—twice, actually. Both times, she'd come back to him.

Pausing, Garrus tugged her gloves off, then stripped away his own, his hide rough and oh so warm as his talons closed around her fingers. Gazing into her eyes once more, he said, "Getting to hold you, laugh with you, wipe away your tears, and make love to you has been the greatest gift I've ever received. It's a gift I'll never understand what I did to deserve, but one that I'm grateful for every moment." He drew in a long breath, his expression both earnest and nervous, almost as if he doubted the outcome.

"Shepard, will you take another chance and give me an even greater gift, by ending every day in my arms for the rest of our lives?"

Shepard smiled and reached out to caress his face, following its hard angles with loving fingers. She saw him there, all the different versions of him: the rash C-Sec officer who'd seemed so very young, the broken and betrayed vigilante needing to be pulled back and anchored, the tirelessly loyal friend and lover who'd held her together when the war tried so hard to smash her into pieces. She saw him and certainty filled her once more. Some things were just meant to be.

He released her hand long enough to pull a small bundle of folded cloth from his armour. "Liara and Joker went with me to find this. They assured me it was appropriate." He unfolded the cloth to reveal a simple gold ring with three small diamonds embedded along the band.

With slightly trembling hands, he slipped it onto the end of her finger after checking to be sure he placed it on the correct digit. "Jane Shepard, will you marry me, becoming my bond-mate?"

She bent down and kissed him, her lips soft but passionate as they moved against the plates of his mouth. "Of course I will," she said, her lips still brushing his. "You're the air I breathe, Garrus Vakarian. Without you, there is no me."

Garrus stood, gathering her into a tight embrace with a crunch of connecting armour. Lifting her off her feet, he kissed her with a passion that stole her breath and told her so much more than any words could.

He held her, his scarred and battered cheek pressed to hers. Shepard relaxed into the embrace, her eyes slipping closed, just savouring the moment.

When Garrus eased back and her feet connected with the floor once more, she chuckled. "I can't believe you got Hackett to go along with your diabolical plan."

Garrus took her hands in his. "When I asked him about coming up here to do this, he said there was no way that I'd be able to surprise you unless you were distracted by an emergency."

"So the unverified Reaper tech was his idea?" She slipped an arm around him and leaned into his side.

"We made the evidence flimsy enough that you wouldn't be too alarmed. I didn't want to scare you half to death."

"Thanks for that."

He took her hand, looking at the ring he'd given her. "Joker explained the symbolism of the ring. It seemed superficial when he told me, a pretty affectation, but now that I see it there … ." His mandibles fluttered hard, spreading out.

Shepard nodded. "It means I'm yours, even though it's just a symbol of the more important connection."

"And that I'm yours."

She kissed him. "Always." She pulled back and looked around them. "It's been a long road since you turned from Executor Pallin and said, 'Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian.'" She sighed. "I wouldn't have made it without you."

He nodded, pulling her back in against him. "A long road, but no matter the pain or circumstance, I wouldn't trade the time I've had with you, Shepard. Not for anything."

She looked up into his eyes. "I've had to make a lot of decisions, a lot of hard, hard choices. With them, I've made my share of mistakes. But you have been the one steadfast, pure, good thing through it all. Not many people are lucky or blessed to be loved so well. Thank you." She kissed him. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian."

He returned her kiss then pressed his brow to hers. "And I love you, Jane Shepard."

She grinned. "Glad we got that settled."

He pulled away and looked up the room toward the towering windows and earth beyond. "I'm sure Lt. Cortez has made certain that we have an entire frigate full of people awaiting our return."

"Yeah, but we should have him drop us off outside the fence so that we can go see Sol first."

He nodded. "Let her know her nagging paid off." He walked to the stairs and sat on the top one. "But right now, all I want to do is sit here in the quiet and hold you."

"Sounds good to me." She sat next to him, wrapped her arm around him, and rested her head on his shoulder.

Garrus nuzzled the top of her head and squeezed her tight against his side. "Until their big send-off ceremony tomorrow morning, I don't intend to be more than an arm's length from you." He shifted around a little. "The armour was a flaw in my plan that I didn't consider."

She laughed. "It's okay. It was a very good plan." Stretching up over the yoke of his armour, she kissed his cheek.

"Javik's probably pacing and using ancient Prothean curses by now."

Shepard nodded. "Yeah. I'm sure he's thrilled I picked him to come along. Oh well, it's good for him to wait and endure some foolish sentimentality."

"When I spoke to him about this, he said that such a display should not be necessary, that I should simply tell you, 'Woman, I wish to take you as my mate.'" Garrus smiled. "But, when I was leaving the room, he told me to cherish what we had, that it was one of the universe's most rare and precious gifts." He shrugged. "So, maybe some of his crustiness is for show too."

"I hope that now the Reapers are gone, he can learn to leave the past behind him and find some happiness. Whether he believes it or not, I know it's what his people would want." She watched a Keeper scuttle by, intent on whatever it was doing. She smiled, glad that the little fellows had survived, and not because it meant the Citadel would be up and running sooner than they hoped, but because it was one less genocide.

They sat in silence for several more minutes before Shepard felt the ever-present demand of time and sighed. "I suppose we should head back."

Garrus gave a noncommittal grunt.

"We'll tell Steve to postpone his mob scene until 1600, and have a BBQ out by the river, drop in to see Sol, have lunch, then I'm sure we'll have twenty other things to do, but no later than 1900, I want you all to myself with much, much less between us than we've got right now." She stood, reaching down a hand to pull him up. "Deal?"

He resisted standing, instead pulling her onto his lap. He caressed her lips with a gentle talon, then leaned in and kissed her. He sighed, and pulled back a little, touching his brow to hers. "Thank you."

She smiled and closed her eyes, relaxing into him. "For what?"

"For everything."

She kissed him. "It's just the beginning."

He nodded and stood, lifting her to her feet as well. He climbed up the couple of stairs to the same spot where they'd first met. "My name is Garrus Vakarian, and this will always be my favourite spot on the Citadel."

Shepard laughed and shook her head. "I'm never living that down, am I?"

"Never." He nodded toward the hatch. "Come on, let's get back."

They returned to find a very bored-looking Javik sitting in the hatch, and Steve pacing back and forth along the length of the shuttle.

"If you do not cease your endless movement, I will be forced to shoot you," Javik grumbled.

"I can't believe you aren't the slightest bit excited," the pilot grumbled.

"Believe it."

Spotting them, Steve hurried over to help them with the hatch, the Alliance soldiers having returned to other duties. "So, is the galaxy safe from rampaging Reaper tech?" he asked, giving Shepard a wide grin.

Shepard smiled and shook her head. "You two played your parts well. I'm sure Francis Kitt will have parts for you in upcoming performances if he survived."

He waited a second, then shrugged. "Well?"

"Was there actually any doubt what my answer would be? Of course I said yes." She gave him a gentle push toward the shuttle. "Come on, let's get back."

Steve turned back to give her a one armed hug. "Congratulations Commander... Garrus... It's really great."

"Thanks Steve. And, about the little celebration that I'm certain awaits us … ." She grinned at the expression on his face. "Can we postpone it until 1600?"

"Done and done." He gave her a broad wink and headed in to take the pilot's seat.

Javik took his seat, giving her a slight nod. "Congratulations, Commander."

"Thank you, Javik."

She and Garrus changed out of their armour on the way back to London and had Steve drop them off away from the  _Normandy_. The hospital was busy with lunch when they arrived, and they managed to make it through to Sol's room without being waylaid.

The younger Vakarian was awake and staring out the window when they walked through the decon grids. She turned her head to give them a weary smile, her hand lifting in a small wave. "Hey, you two. You're late getting here today."

Shepard took her hand and bent to touch her brow to Sol's, then gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Hey. You're looking better today. How are you feeling?"

"Like survival might just be a possibility." She nodded, her eyes closing. "Yeah, feeling a little better today. Still drugged to the eyeballs, of course, which isn't necessarily a bad thing when doctors cut away nine inches of leg and build you a new bone."

"True enough, and ouch." Shepard winked at her new sister then shifted toward the foot of the bed so that Garrus could say good morning.

"Says the woman with a new arm and a new leg." Sol grinned, then looked up at her brother.

The siblings stared at one another for a moment, before Sol shook her head. "Why do you look so pleased with yourself?" she demanded, her eyes narrowing. "I don't like it. Reminds me of the time you uploaded all my stupid love song files to the academy cafeteria servers." Looking from Garrus to Shepard and then back, she scowled, her brow plates and mandible lowering. "Okay, now you're both starting to weird me out. You both look very suspiciously like people keeping a secret, and if someone doesn't spill it this second, I'm going to beat you with my bendy straw. What's up?"

A chuckle chased a long sigh from Garrus's throat. "Your bendy straw?" He shook his head, his shoulders stiff with mock consternation. "You're impossible."

Sol chuckled. "Yeah, that's not exactly a newsflash there, Twig," she replied, one thin, trembling hand reaching up to grip his talons. "Come on, spill it."

Garrus held his arm out, inviting Shepard into his embrace, and squeezed her tight as she tucked herself in against his side. "I lured Shepard up to the Citadel with a false emergency, and proposed to her on the spot where we first met." The words tumbled out like they were something to be embarrassed about.

Sol nodded slowly, still looking from one to the other. "Good job on the proposal there, Twig. I take it from the fact that you look like someone just gave you one of those Atlas mechs with custom rocket upgrades that she said yes."

Garrus cleared his throat and shook his head.

Shepard grinned. "Wow, with custom rocket upgrades." She kissed Garrus's cheek, then gave Sol a nod. "Of course I did."

"Good. I've never seen you so content in your own skin, Twig. She's good for you, so don't mess it up." She smiled, her elegantly shaped mandibles fluttering. "I'm happy for you both."

"Thank you." Shepard took her hand.

"I always wanted a sister," Sol said sleepily, drifting back off despite obviously fighting to stay with them.

"Go to sleep," Garrus said softly. "We'll be back later. Get your rest."

Sol nodded a little, giving in to the drugs and her body's demands to heal.

Shepard led the way out through decon. "She looks great today. Dr. Chakwas is kicking that infection's ass."

"She really does look better." He gave a sharp nod. "She's going to be fine."

Shepard nudged him with her elbow. "You're such a tough guy."

"So are you. I'm amazed you don't shatter your own teeth from clenching them so hard."

"Yeah, I guess we're both sort of hopeless that way. Hiding what you're feeling gets to be a habit, but we have to make a deal. No hiding. If we're going to make this thing work for the next eighty years or so, we're going to need to be open with one another." She slipped her arm through his and gave it a squeeze as they stepped outside. "Deal?"

"Deal." He looked over at her, smiling.

"What?"

He shrugged. "I just like it when you do that." He took a deep breath. "I wish there was a way to tell Pari before everyone else descends."

She led him toward the bench in front of the hospital. "You guys have had a good couple of days."

"Yeah. It's been ... good. We've talked about ..." He sat down and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "... everything. It was strange at first, but then he asked me how I'd feel leaving combat behind for politics. I stuttered a bit ... hadn't really thought about it. He told me about how he dealt, or didn't deal with, retiring from C-Sec. We took off from there." He chuckled. "It might sound strange, but it's been like making a new friend."

Jane grinned and shook her head. "Doesn't sound weird at all. I'm glad. Neither one of you is the same  _torin_  you were when you butted heads. It's good that you're starting fresh."

"It's all your fault, you know?" He bumped her gently. "He ratted you out."

She watched him, so glad to see the growing peace that repairing things with his father was giving him. He'd always felt as though he didn't measure up, blaming himself for shortcomings that had never been there. It was a burden that maybe now he could set aside.

"What did I do?" She looked up at the sky. Heavy, grey clouds rolled from horizon to horizon, promising their daily dose of rain.

"He told me that you made him promise not to let me get away with being taciturn. He thinks the world of you, Shepard." He sighed, a deep rumble in his throat.

"You're going to miss him when we ship out tomorrow." She answered his noncommittal mutter with a nod. "Yeah, me too. I'm going to miss both of them. If Sol was stronger, I'd just have Dr. Chakwas make her a spot in that new lab of hers." She stood, but then stopped and looked down at him. "Your dad didn't know what you had planned?"

"No. I was afraid something would slip."

She nodded toward the  _Normandy_. Herros was striding through the shipping containers, moving toward them with purpose. "Then I think someone may have ratted you out, my friend."

Garrus stood and they headed over to meet Herros part way.

"Are you both all right?" he demanded, looking them over with genuine concern.

"We're fine, Pari. Why would you think we weren't?" Garrus asked.

Herros let out a long breath. "I heard you were going to the Citadel to investigate something, then Sol called me and told me that I needed to come out, that you needed me, and I should hurry."

Shepard reached out and took his hand. "I'm so sorry, sir. We're both fine. Really. No damage. There actually was no mission on the Citadel ... it was … ." She looked to Garrus.

Herros frowned, his mandibles working overtime. "Then why was she so insistent that I come out here?" He squeezed Shepard's hand and nodded. "All right, well, at least neither of you is missing any vital parts."

"No. One hundred percent of vital parts present and accounted for." Shepard said and grinned, giving Garrus a wide eyed stare and nodding her head toward his father. He'd wanted to tell Herros first, but now he wasn't saying anything.

"I'm sorry, Pari, Sol told you to come out because she knew we'd want to tell you something." Garrus stepped in and took Shepard's other hand.

She smiled to herself as she stood between them, son holding her one hand, father the other, feeling connected for the first time since Mindoir.

"Oh?" Herros looked from Garrus to Shepard and back.

"The mission to the Citadel was a ruse," Garrus explained. "Four years ago, Shepard and I met in the Council Chambers, so I lured her up there with a false mission in order to ask her to be my bond-mate on the spot where we met."

"I see." Herros looked down at Jane. "And even though your glow tells me, I will ask anyways— Your answer?"

"Was yes, of course."

He nodded. "Good. You make one another very happy. Congratulations." He hesitated for a moment, then laid his other hand on Shepard's shoulder and leaned down to touch his brow to hers.

Shepard smiled, stepping in to kiss his cheek and embrace him as he pulled back. "Thank you, sir."

Herros returned her embrace. "You'd probably better start getting used to calling me Dad."

She grinned as she pulled back. "I'd like that."

Herros turned to Garrus, giving him an approving nod that said more than any words could. "Congratulations, Garrus." He embraced his son, gripping his shoulders. "I hope your life together brings you as much joy as she has brought you peace."

"Thank you, Pari." Garrus returned the embrace.

"Well, I will head over to the hospital now and scold Sol for scaring me half to death, then I have to meet with Admiral Hackett and our new Primarch via the QEC." He took both their hands and squeezed them again. "I'll see you both later."

"Dinner at 1600, Dad," Shepard said, trying out his new title. "The evening meal is going to be over by the river."

"I'll be there."


	13. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected gift from a badly missed friend.

**February 22, 2187**

 

Shepard turned to Garrus as his father headed off toward the hospital. Taking both of his hands in hers, she gave him a wink and nodded toward the Alliance headquarters. “Come on, let's get some lunch.”

He nodded, but pulled her into a hug, pressing her against his right side. He turned his face into her neck and just held her for a long moment. She sighed and stroked his neck, knowing that he was just feeling a little overwhelmed.

“A lot to happen in a few days,” she whispered.

“Two weeks ago, I didn't know if I would ever get to do this again, and my family was out there, somewhere, I hoped.”

“Yeah.” She turned and kissed his jaw. “Come on. We're going to be late.”

After another moment, he pulled back. “Yeah. We should go.”

Mel and Paul were waiting at a table in the cafeteria, and stood to greet them. Shepard gave them each a one-armed hug and shook their hands.

“Thank you so much for doing this,” she said, gesturing for them to sit down. “We'll get some food and be right back. I'm starving.” She hurried over to the counter, grabbed a sandwich and salad, then returned.

“Is that new?” Mel asked, nodding toward Shepard's hand, a wide smile on her pretty, blue face.

Shepard blushed a little and nodded, looking up as Garrus joined them. “It is, in fact.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” Shepard changed the subject to them, asking them about everything from their work to family, and one another. They both looked awkward enough on the last subject for Shepard to know that there might be something between them some day soon.

“Well, as much as I wanted to catch up with the two of you before we shipped out, I need to ask you a favour, if that's not pushing things.”

Mel laughed, a bright, girly, infectious giggle. “I think you've earned a lifetime of favours from ... oh, everyone in the galaxy.”

Paul shook his head and rolled his eyes. “What she's saying, is of course, we'll help however we can. Name it.”

Shepard smiled. “Garrus's father and sister came in on the refugee transports a couple of days ago. His sister was badly wounded helping evacuees escape Palaven, so was brought to the hospital here.” She glanced over at Garrus as his hand slid over her thigh under the table. “We're shipping out tomorrow, and they don't really know anyone, so I was wondering if you would mind going by the hospital from time to time to keep her company?”

“Sure,” Mel agreed immediately. “Would you take us over and introduce us at least?” She giggled again. “Might be sort of odd to just arrive and plunk ourselves down.”

“She's in for a tough recovery, and I hate that we won't be here to help her through it.” Shepard paused and gave them an appreciative smile. “So, absolutely, I'd be really happy to take you by and introduce you. She's quite the character.” 

They finished eating and headed over to the hospital. Much as she expected, the three of them hit it off. Mel and Paul were such naturally giving people that Sol warmed up to them immediately. The asari and human teased one another, drawing her into their banter, and when Sol began to tire, Mel asked her if it would be alright for them to return the following day.

Shepard gave them both a tight hug as they left. “Thank you, guys. I feel so much better leaving now.”

Garrus shook their hands, offering to walk them out. Shepard waved and turned back to Sol's bed, knowing he wanted a chance to thank them away from his sister.

“Thank you, Jane,” Sol said softly, reaching up with a trembling hand.

Jane took it in both of hers. “I hated the idea of you and Dad being here with no one. They are really great people, but I'm so serious about the elcor romances. Don't let her do it. Just don't. Trust me when I say there are things about elcor mating rituals you do not need to know.”

Garrus walked back in and sat in the chair at Sol's side. “I'd feel better about leaving if you were stronger, Stretch.” He took her hand.

“I'll be fine. Mel and Paul will keep me entertained, and the doctor who is taking over my treatment is both very knowledgeable and a pleasant woman. You guys do what you need to do so that we can all go home. I'll still be here when you get back. Probably be up and walking though, so you'll miss all that fun.” She closed her eyes. “Why do you smell like burning meat, Twig?”

Garrus chuckled. “Because everything outside smells like that right now. What was supposed to be a small get together for the _Normandy_ 's crew seems to have turned into a base-wide party.” He smiled and nodded at Shepard. “See how happy that makes Shepard? She loves big parties where she's the guest of honour.”

Shepard punched him in the shoulder. “Is there any chance of skirting around and getting aboard the _Normandy_ unnoticed?”

“Not even a slight one. I'm afraid for a couple of hours, you're going to have to endure the love of the people.”

“Do you really hate that people think you're a hero?” Sol asked.

“More than I can say.” Shepard sighed and nodded. “You know what happened, Sol. I haven't done anything worthy of celebrating. Letting them prop me up as some sort of figurehead... it's an insult to everyone I sacrificed ... to everyone who made sacrifices. These people were here, hungry, injured, sleeping in the dirt, watching their friends and loved ones die.” She turned away from the bed and walked to the window. “I stayed in a gorgeous apartment, went out for dinner …” Tears forced themselves into a lump in her throat, but she blocked them there, refusing to embarrass herself further.

Garrus sighed. “Funny, but I remember spending our share of time exhausted, filthy, wounded, and mourning friends. What you did out there made it possible for these people to keep fighting.”

“Twig's right, Jane. You were where you were needed.” Sol grumbled. “Besides, you're looking at this all backwards. They aren't celebrating you. They're celebrating themselves, and the hope that maybe, just maybe, if they're asked to face an impossible enemy and make the sacrifices that you've made, that they'll show your courage. They're celebrating the best parts of themselves.”

“You showed them what they're capable of, Shepard.” Garrus stood. “Come on, we'll let Stretch get some sleep and go relax and have fun for a couple of hours. We still have a date back in our quarters at 1900 if I recall correctly.”

“Okay,” Sol said, holding up a hand, “that's enough detail there. I'm an innocent little sister, don't need those images in my head.” She gave Shepard a weary smile. “Go have fun. All those people on the other side of the veil are watching you, making sure that you use the gift they gave you. Besides, you deserve to get really, really drunk before it sinks in that you agreed to marry this hopeless case.”

Shepard smiled and walked over, taking Solana's hand. “All right.” She bent to touch her brow to Sol's. Pulling back a little, she met the turian's eyes. “I was an only child. I always wanted a sister too.”

Sol's eyes drifted shut. “I guess we'll both get our wish.”

“Get some sleep, Stretch.” Garrus nuzzled her temple. “We'll be back before we ship out tomorrow.” He held his hand out to usher Shepard ahead of him.

They stepped out the front door into a festival atmosphere. Faster than she would have thought possible, the docks had been transformed. Grills lined the border between the tarmac and the grass along the river, a huge tarp hung between the buildings in case the threatening clouds opened up. A small herd of both Alliance and civilians set up chairs and tables under the tarp.

“Oh, my god,” Shepard whispered. “Where did all these people come from?”

Garrus hugged her against his side. “You've faced down Reapers; you can handle an engagement party.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I can. It's about them.” She smiled and nodded toward the festivities. “Come on.” She took a few steps before stopping and turning to face him. “You know, whenever I had to go to these things back before the first _Normandy_ , I almost always spent the evening at the bar alone. Friends would come up to say hello, but I used to intimidate people. What happened to me, Garrus?”

He just chuckled and shook his head, giving her a gentle shove toward the party.

“I'm serious. It's like someone pulled out all the iron and sinew and stuffed me full of sunshine and kittens.”

“Sunshine and kittens?” he managed to gasp through his laughter. “I wouldn't go that far. Partly cloudy with chance of tornadoes ... and juvenile varren, maybe.”

She sighed and grumbled. “You're just trying to make me feel better. I've gone soft, and it sickens me, Vakarian. It sickens me. Tell me it doesn't make you a little queasy.”

He slipped his arm around her. “I like it, because it means you're leaving that emotionally dead, soldier-to-the-core Shepard behind. You're evolving, and yeah, it's going to be be scary, but it's a good thing.”

She looked up into his eyes. “That and it makes you feel better about becoming Mr. Stuffed with Kittens yourself.”

“Okay, now I feel queasy. That was uncalled for. You're a cruel woman.”

“And oddly, now I feel a little better.” She grinned, gave him a kiss, and waded into the party.

The crowd welcomed them with congratulations, hugs, and handshakes. Shepard spent most of the next two hours listening to stories, realizing as the people shared their experiences that Solana had been right. They were celebrating themselves and the people they'd lost, not her.

“Have a moment for your father-in-law to be?” Herros asked, walking up to Shepard as she took a moment to lurk behind the bar and catch her breath.

She let out a soft sigh and greeted his query with a gentle smile. “Of course.”

“It's turned into quite the party,” Herros said, mandibles fluttering a little. “Looks like they've been waiting for an excuse to cut loose.” He nodded to where a group of mismatched musicians had begun to gather even as the meal continued. It started with one fellow and his guitar, but soon swelled to a small orchestra. People pushed the tables back, and a few couples began to dance while the bulk of the partygoers stood around, drinking and laughing.

“Yeah.” Shepard closed her eyes, and turned her face into the cool, damp breeze of early evening. “When I was growing up, our little community on Mindoir used to have parties at least once a month. After church let out, everyone would head to the lake for a picnic. They'd bring instruments and everyone would dance and singalong.” She was silent for a moment, just listening to the buzz of conversation, the lilting melody of the song playing in the background. “I loved those parties. The cool evening falling as the guitars played. Dancing, standing on my dad's feet as the sun set, and falling asleep in his arms by the fire.”

Herros took her hand and led her toward the makeshift dance floor.

“Oh no. You probably haven't been warned how bad I am at this.”

He chuckled and pulled her in. “It's easy. Forget about your feet, relax and just let me lead.”

She grasped his hand and laid her other on his shoulder. “I've never been very good with that, either.”

He guided her gently through a slow waltz, pausing when she got her feet tangled. “Thank you for seeing that Solana won't be alone. She told me about the couple you asked to visit with her.”

“They're good people. Sat with me for months just because I didn't have anyone else. People like that make the ugliness worth it.”

Herros nodded, a comfortable silence falling between them.

“Before the turian fleet set out to rendezvous with the fleets from Earth and the other allies, Adrien Victus sent a message to every turian ship and holding. It was the single most beautiful and stirring message I've ever had the privilege of listening to. He said that our victory was assured, for he had met the spirit of war itself, looked into her eyes, and witnessed our salvation there.'

'I'd never heard another Turian leader speak of war the way he did that day. He said that the spirit of war was not one of bloodshed, weapons, tactics, or destruction; it was one of love and loyalty and holding fast to courage in the name of creating something better for the people we hold dear.”

Shepard sighed and shook her head. “A wonderful man, but given to exaggeration.”

Herros chuckled. “Well, as I watched the people packed in around me listen to him, hope manifested amidst the hopeless, so it's the best sort of exaggeration. We have a long road ahead of us. At times it's going to seem endless, but since I arrived here, I see the victory he spoke of.”

Shepard pressed close, embracing him. “Two years from now, we'll look back at all this and say, 'Yep, we knew we could do it.'”

A soft cough from behind her drew her attention, and she glanced over her shoulder. “Well, hello there.” She grinned. “Can I help you?”

Garrus's mandibles fluttered, and he activated the chrono on his omni-tool.

Shepard laughed. “Subtle, Vakarian. Very subtle.” She turned back to Herros. “I did sort of make a date with your son for 1900.”

“Well then, I won't keep you.” He touched his brow to hers, then pulled away. “I'll see you both in the morning.”

“Good night, Dad.” Garrus held his arm out toward the ship. “Well?”

Shepard nodded and fell in beside him, weaving through the party goers toward the _Normandy_. “It was a good party.”

“Not as terrible as you imagined?” He wrapped his arm around her waist as they stepped up onto the ramp.

“Not at all. Sol was right.” Shepard sighed. “I'm going to miss her and Dad.”

“Yeah.”

When the door to their quarters closed behind them, Shepard headed over to feed Mordin. “We both reek of smoke,” she sighed. “I suppose a shower is in order.”

He chuckled. “You afraid I'm going to fall asleep on you?”

“Absolutely. That and I don't want my sheets to smell like the bed's on fire.” She unzipped her sweatshirt and hung it off the back of her chair. She walked into the bathroom and reached for the water, her hand stopping halfway to the control as knuckles rapped on the door.

“Yes?” Garrus called.

She sighed. “Seriously? Tonight?”

“It's me,” Dr. Chakwas called from the other side. “I know this is probably not the best time to come calling, but I need to speak with you both for a few minutes.”

Shepard reached the door as Garrus opened it. “Is it Sol? Is she alright?”

The doctor nodded and smiled. “She's fine. Recovering more quickly than I would have expected, in fact. No, I'm the bearer of good news tonight, if I could have a few moments?”

“Sure. Come on in.” Shepard led the way down to the couch. “What's going on?”

Karin sat on the chair and set a laptop down. “I sent out messages to a few friends in genetics, as I told you I would.” She smiled. “I no sooner hit send and a reply popped up on my screen.”

“That fast?” Garrus sat next to Shepard, his hand on her knee.

“Indeed. The person replying was even more unexpected.” She entered a command into the computer, then turned the screen so it was facing them.

Shepard let out a small gasp as Mordin's face appeared there. “What?”

Dr. Chakwas just nodded toward the computer.

_“Shepard. Apologies. If you are receiving this message, I am dead. It has been an honour and privilege working with you. Have come to care about you.” He cleared his throat. “Imagine that if I had a daughter, she would be much like you. Salarian, of course, but wise and open of heart and mind._

_“Getting off point. Warned you when you began relationship with Garrus. Thought prudence wise considering species' differences. See you together now, am happy to be proven wrong. Apparently chafing not as off-putting as first thought._

_“Enclosed in package is research into creating viable genetic hybrid. Based primarily on your DNA, with compatible traits taken from Garrus's genetic material. All life shares far more DNA than is disparate. Five viable embryos created and frozen in stasis until need should arise._

_“Small gift to your future together, to your happiness, in return for chance to put my life's work right, to fix mistakes. Cannot provide guarantees, naturally. Too many variables during implantation, gestation, but still best chance to have family._

_“Good luck, Shepard. Thank you.”_

Shepard stared at the blank screen for several moments, trying to take in everything Mordin had said. Still reeling, she looked to Garrus, laying her hand over his before turning to Karin.

“Five?”

Dr. Chakwas nodded. “Yes, safely tucked away in my cryo unit. I'd wondered what the container was. The label said that it was genetic material, yours, and was not to be disposed of. Thank god my curiosity kept me from throwing it out. When you're ready, we can implant one and see how it goes. As Mordin said, there are no guarantees. This is scalpel sharp cutting edge science.”

Shepard turned back to Garrus, who looked as stunned as she felt.

“How good do you think the chances are of Shepard having a healthy child?”

“Quite good actually. I've spent the last two days poring over his notes, test results, simulations. He was incredibly thorough. His genetic assays and biochemical analysis took me an entire day to wade through all by themselves. And he was able to use far more of your genetic material than I would have thought. For the most part, the child will look human, and it will be levo, naturally, but it will be your child... they will be your children.” She smiled and stood, picking up her computer. “I'll keep them safely in stasis until you tell me otherwise.” She nodded toward the door. “I'll see myself out. Goodnight.”

Shepard stood. “Goodnight, Karin, and thank you. This is unbelievable.”

“Mordin cared for you very much.”

“I loved him as well.” Shepard smiled and waved, staring at the door, still trying to process that a deck below her were five possible children. When had her life taken this crazy, terrifying, but wonderful turn?

“Children? Damn...” She gave her head a shake.

Garrus slipped his arms around her and pressed against her back. “Still wanting a shower?”

She turned around and laid her hands on his chest. “So the sheets end up smelling a little smokey.” She gave him a gentle push toward the bed. “That's what laundry is for.” She pulled her t-shirt over her head and tossed it onto the chair in the corner, her bra following quickly behind it.

She stared at him for a moment as Mordin's words anchored in her mind, becoming real. Slipping her arms around Garrus's waist, she pressed close. “This whole thing could actually happen.” Terror, joy, uncertainty, love, and disbelief fought for control. “Jesus, Garrus...” She shuddered as the whispers from her dreams wormed through the rest. “This is real, isn't it?” she whispered. “I woke up, didn't I?”

He gripped her tight, one fist curling into her hair, his cheek rough against her face as he nodded. “You did.”

“How can it be?” she asked, her voice barely louder than a breath, the question not necessarily meant for him. “How can any of this be real?”

He sat on the end of the bed and pulled her onto his lap, reaching up to grasp her chin gently, turning her face until their eyes met. “It's the dreams, isn't it? They're the reason you're afraid?”

“No one survives being hit like I was, Garrus. No one. And yet, I managed to get up, make it to the beam ... What if it's all a lie? I don't deserve ...” She latched onto his stare, so familiar, so loved. She leaned in and kissed him, closing her eyes tight, clinging to the feel of his skin, the hard edges of his body, the scent of him. “It's so easy to believe. I want so hard to believe it's real.” Her eyes burned as tears squeezed out between her lashes.

He returned her kiss, then pulled back and pressed his brow against her temple. “Of course you deserve to be happy, Shepard. That voice in your head that believes all this is just a sick joke the cosmos is using to torment you, that's the lie.” Nuzzling her cheek, he rubbed her back softly. “Trust this, Shepard. Please. For me, and for those five Vakarians waiting to know us, for us to know them.”

She pressed her lips together in a tight smile, but couldn't stop them from trembling. “Yeah.” She let out a long, shaky breath, walling the fear back behind her iron will. “Yeah.” Kissing him, she blinked away the acid sting of tears. Getting up, without breaking the kiss, she unfastened his clothing, her hands sliding beneath it, exploring her way up to his shoulders, pushing the thick fabric out of her way.

He crawled backward, making his way up the bed. She followed, straddling his thighs, her hands moving to dispose of the rest of the barriers between her body and his, more roughly and with greater urgency than usual. She sat up as he reached to fumble with her belt, wriggling out of her clothing as quickly as he got it unfastened. Leaning over him, the blade down the center of his chest pressed hard between her breasts, she kissed him, passionately, her mouth moving over his with an intense desperation born of the nagging whisper's taunts.

_“You died, Shepard,”_ Ashley's voice reached out through the wall like white hot mist. _“You died, or you're still there, trapped... indoctrinated ....”_

Shepard shook it off, focusing on the man beneath her, latching onto the trust she had in him as she took him inside her, crying out with as much hope as desire. His arms encircled her, drawing her in, and at last, blessedly, locking the whispers away.


	14. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the black, doing what they do best.

**February 23, 2187**

 

"Kill that bloody thing," Shepard groaned as the alarm chirped at them. "It can't possibly be time to get up."

 

"This is all your fault." Garrus released her and rolled over to hit the chrono. He yawned and stretched and then flopped back, his arm draped over her side. "They're going to take one look at me and know that you kept me up all night." He yawned again.

 

"Yeah well, at least you won't be walking like ... " Shepard cut off the rest and just shook her head. "I think I may need Mordin's cream."

 

Garrus chuckled and leaned up to kiss her. "Let me know if you need any help applying it."

 

She rolled over, the movement accompanied by more overly dramatic groans and sighs. After lying there for a few seconds, clinging to denial, she threw the blankets back and sat up. "Why did Hackett have to call for inspection at 0700? I just want to lie here until we lift off, and then lie here some more."

 

She turned as she heard Garrus take a sharp breath in. "What?"

 

He sat up and pulled himself across the mattress to sit beside her. "Spirits, Shepard..." He reached out and ran a gentle talon down the bruise between her breasts, then took her by the shoulders and turned her away slightly. "I..."

 

She craned her head around trying to see her back. "Talon tracks?"

 

Nodding, he took her hand in his and lifted it to his mouth, nuzzling the inside of her wrist. "I think we may have got a little carried away last night."

 

She looked down at the bruises and scrapes. "Yeah, but damn... we need to get carried away more often." Grinning, she kissed him and got up. "Come on, you can wash my back."

 

At 0630, the crew of the _Normandy_ began to trickle down the ship's ramp, looking tired but dapper and excited in their dress blues. Under a new, warm sun, they lined up where the ramp met the tarmac, a thick, mossy-smelling fall mist curling around their knees as it defied the sun's attempts to burn it away. Shepard stood back, just watching her people, letting the early morning noise of birds and base chatter steep through her for a moment. Who knew how many mornings would pass before she enjoyed another so perfect?

 

At 0645, she blew the whistle to call them to attention, conducting her own inspection prior to Hackett arriving.

 

Finished, she stood back and gave her crew a sharp nod. "At ease." She moved to stand between Garrus and Kaidan, looking out across the docks. Alliance personnel moved in to clear out the wire and push the barricades back to make room. Even at that early hour, hundreds of people pressed into the docking area and lined the roofs of the adjacent buildings to witness the _Normandy_ being sent back out.

 

At precisely 0658, Hackett and the Council stepped out of the headquarters, flanked by Bailey and an assortment of C-Sec and Alliance personnel.

 

"Council's being gutsy showing their faces in front of this crowd," Garrus muttered under his breath.

 

Shepard forced her face to remain impassive, but gave him a quick elbow jab to the side.

 

" _Normandy_ crew..." Shepard called out as the Admiral stopped in front of her. "Attention!" As one, they stood at attention and snapped into a sharp salute.

 

Hackett saluted back. "At ease." He did a cursory inspection then stepped up to shake Shepard's hand. When he withdrew, each of the Council members followed suit, only Valern looking as though he'd rather chew on a handful of carpet tacks than touch her hand. He gave her fingertips a single shake then dropped them like he'd been burned. As soon as they'd shaken her hand, they retreated back behind Hackett.

 

"I won't honour your service and sacrifice by forcing you to stand here and listen to long-winded speeches," Hackett said, loud enough that his voice echoed off the buildings. "The Alliance, Earth, and the entire galaxy owe you all a debt that can never be repaid. Our gratitude can never be shown through words or awards. All we can do is offer you a small token of our thanks for your service and hope to rebuild a world that reflects our gratitude to you and to the many who gave their lives so that our civilizations would prevail."

 

Hackett turned and nodded, prompting three young soldiers in dress uniform to step up beside him, a stack of small boxes in their hands. "For service rendered to the Alliance and to the people of Earth and all her holdings, it is my honour to present the Star of Terra to the crew of the _Normandy_ SR2." He opened the first box, displaying two medals resting on the deep blue lining. Turning, he gave a quick nod to Tevos, who stepped forward.

 

"On behalf of the Council and the peoples we serve, we are pleased to award the crew of the _Normandy_ SR2 with the Galactic Unit Citation, for bravery, sacrifice, service, and honour above and beyond the call of duty." She gave a slight, graceful bow of her head, then stepped back.

 

Shepard smiled, biting down on her bottom lip to keep control of the glassiness welling in her eyes as she watched her crew called forward one at a time to receive the Alliance and Council's highest awards for distinguished service. Hackett called her forward last. She stepped forward, did a hard turn left, a hard turn right, stopping at attention with a crisp salute.

 

"Congratulations, Commander Shepard," the admiral said, smiling as he passed her a small box. Inside, above the other two awards, lay the bars of her new rank.

 

Shepard looked down, her smile turning into a puzzled frown as she saw the officer's bars. When she looked up, Hackett grinned at her like the proverbial cat who'd eaten the canary.

 

"For outstanding dedication to the preservation and protection of the System's Alliance and humanity as a whole, Shepard, Jane E. I hereby promote you from the rank of Commander to that of Rear Admiral. Promotion to take effect 0700 this twenty-third day of February, 2187, as it is long overdue." He turned away and nodded to another young soldier, who brought forward a small gold box.

 

"Rear Admiral Shepard, when faced with an impossible enemy, you held fast. Even when the galaxy you strove to protect ignored your warnings, you continued to fight for that galaxy. Because of your courage, your conviction, and your compassion for all life, we stand here today, a galaxy composed of many people and many voices, all focused on building a common future.'

 

He opened the box, removing a small silver medal depicting crossed rifles against a backdrop of earth, a relief of a familiar countenance struck in the center. "I hereby award you the first ever Admiral David E. Anderson distinguished service medal. I know he would be proud..." Hackett pinned the medal to Shepard's uniform. "... Admiral."

 

Shepard nodded and took a deep breath, working to keep her face stoic as what felt like a Mako drove up her throat. She closed her eyes for a half second as Anderson's last moments whispered through her, his gruff, kind voice telling her that she'd done well... that he was proud of her. She blinked a few times, swallowed hard again and cleared her throat. Still, when she spoke, her voice caught. "Thank you, Admiral, it's ..." She took a deep breath. “... a great honour."

 

"Speech!" someone yelled from the other side of the docks, a cry that echoed, gaining momentum over the seconds.

 

Hackett chuckled and shrugged. "I did warn you."

 

Shepard gave him a rueful smile and nodded. "So you did. Now, I wish I'd taken that advice."

 

After taking a couple of deep breaths, Shepard stepped up onto one of the concrete dividers so that she could see over the heads of the Alliance and Council to the people beyond. Lifting a hand in greeting, she stilled the calls for her to speak. She looked down at Garrus and Herros and smiled, then raised her eyes to the horizon, more than a little cowed that so many people had come. She cleared her throat and stretched her neck to relax the paralysis in her vocal chords and then took a deep breath.

 

"Yesterday, a woman wiser by far than myself told me that we celebrate heroes because they allow us to see the best parts of ourselves. Heroes give us hope that when we're backed against the wall, when the universe seems to have turned itself against us, we'll be able to stand up with courage and honour and push back." She swallowed hard, feeling the love of all the people gathered there as a gift, not just to her, but to each other and everyone who hadn't made it that far.

 

"When I looked at it in that light, I suddenly didn't dread coming out here today, because in truth, you aren't celebrating me, you're celebrating yourselves, and you deserve that party." She smiled. "Being a hero doesn't mean parades and medals and speeches. That's the part that doesn't matter in the slightest, because it comes at the end, after the decisions are formed, the actions taken, the sacrifices made, and the consequences endured.

 

"Heroism never comes without cost. Survival and victory are never achieved without sacrifice. You have all felt this. You go to sleep with it. You wake up with it every morning. We're all going to have to live with the sacrifices and their consequences for the rest of our lives. I can't ease that burden for you, just as no one can ease the one I carry. What I can tell you is that those who are watching us here today from wherever it is that they have gone... they understand. When we're reunited with the lost one day, we can say our apologies, we can ask forgiveness, but if we haven't lived every moment of our lives fully and rejoiced in what their sacrifices bought, I believe they'll call us cowards. I believe they'll ask us why we wasted the gift they bought with their blood.

 

“I have a great many people over there waiting to see what I do with my gift, so I'll try to let them rest easy. I'll celebrate their gift and spend the rest of my days here working to make this galaxy the home they'd want us to have. The home they died to give us."

 

She smiled and cleared her throat, trying to ease the dry burning before calling out. "This day belongs to everyone who fought on every planet and in every vessel across our galaxy. It belongs to the brave men and women standing behind me, for without them I would have stumbled and never regained my feet." She glanced back at the _Normandy_ 's crew, then looked to the crowd once more. "It belongs to you. Thank you for every time you faced fear and stood tall, for each time the darkness closed in and you looked for the light, for every comforting word you spoke to another." She brought the blade of her hand to her brow, holding the salute. "You are all heroes, and I'm honoured to be here, among you." She snapped the salute to a moment of dead silence followed by a roar that rolled forward, washing over her. She lifted her hand to wave, then turned, looking to get down.

 

Herros stepped forward and offered her his hand. She smiled and took it, hopping down the few feet to the ground. She squeezed his fingers, then turned to Admiral Hackett.

 

"The _Normandy_ stands ready to depart, Admiral Hackett." She held out her hand.

 

"Good hunting, Admiral." Hackett locked wrists with her.

 

Running the new title around in her mind like she would a hard candy in her mouth, she rattled it off the corners and tossed it back and forth, deciding she liked the taste of it. "I think someone tore the Captain and Commodore pages out of your Alliance manual, Admiral. It's a bit more of a jump up than I was anticipating," she admitted.

 

"Well Shepard, what can I say? Admiral's bars look better on the recruiting posters."

 

Shepard laughed and gripped his arm warmly, shooting a warning glance toward Garrus when she heard his chuckle. "We'll be back before you know it, sir."

 

Hackett nodded and pulled back.

 

Turning on her heel, Shepard gave her crew a sharp salute. "Let's get this bird in the air, people. We lift off at 1000."

 

The crew saluted as one, calling out. "Yes sir, Admiral Shepard, sir. Hoorah!"

 

"Hoorah!" Shepard echoed. "Dismissed."

 

Garrus and Herros walked toward her, moving against the stream of bodies climbing the ramp. Before she could greet either of them, Hackett cleared his throat behind her. She turned back, her eyebrow arching in a silent query.

 

"Commandant Vakarian has asked to accompany the _Normandy_. He has valuable first-person intel on the area and the attacks which may be of assistance."

 

A frown furrowed Shepard's brow, but she nodded. "Of course, if that is what the Commandant wishes." The corner of her mouth lifted as she stressed the elder Vakarian's new title.

 

Hackett nodded. "Very good. I'll look forward to your reports."

 

Giving each of the Councillors a slight bow of the head as they departed to follow Hackett back into headquarters, Shepard waited for the crowd to clear out before turning to face Herros, reaching out to lay her hand on his forearm.

 

"I know, Jane..." He tilted his head and gave her a turian smile. "...Admiral Shepard. Solana insisted that I go with you."

 

"You just got off a ship, sir. Are you so eager to spend another six months in a metal tube?" She shook her head, raising a hand to acquiesce. "You’re more than welcome, of course. We can use any assistance we can get." She slipped her arm through his, leading him up the ramp. "Commandant?"

 

"Of the new galactic military academy to be built on Palaven. Imagine such a thing." He gave her a wide turian smile.

 

Jane shook her head. "Brilliant. Congratulations, and thank you." She released him at the top of the ramp and looked back to Garrus who was lurking at the barricade. "We're going to go in and say goodbye to Solana. See you in a bit." When he nodded, she trotted back down the ramp.

 

Partway up, Tali intercepted her. "Admiral," the quarian greeted.

 

"Admiral," Shepard replied.

 

"Admiral." Tali gripped her hand and chuckled, then continued on.

 

Shepard laughed and walked down the ramp, leaning back, her stride loose and swinging.

 

"Admiral Shepard." Garrus saluted.

 

"Hierarch Vakarian," she countered, a teasing smile playing over her lips.

 

He slumped a little, but then gave her one of his smiles. "The Alliance really knows how to pad a bribe. Two medals and an admiral. Think they'd give me a job? I work cheap... a small tropical planet of my own..."

 

"Yeah, dream on, Vakarian. Besides, the Alliance and Council both gave you medals."

 

He opened the hospital door and waited for her to go in. "It is a first, I suppose, a turian getting a medal for service to the Alliance."

 

Shepard sobered and stopped, her eyes narrowing as she stared into his. "You earned it. You helped save a lot of humans."

 

Pressing a hand between her shoulder blades, he guided her down the hall.

 

Sol greeted them with a weary smile. "Hey, there. Don't you two look ... well, Shepard looks dapper anyway. Twig, you look under-dressed."

 

"I didn't realize there was a dress code to visit you."

 

Shepard stepped up to the side of the bed and took Solana's hand in hers. "Why did you tell Dad to come with us? Sol, you're going to be all alone."

 

"Dad would lose his mind doing busy work around here for the next six months. He'd get cranky, then ornery, and then I'd be forced to shoot my own father in the foot."

 

"Sol..." Shepard's tone stripped the humour from the air.

 

"I'm actually being more serious than I like. He’d wear us both out if he stayed. I need a little space to get back on my feet. Coincidentally, he can help you out there. I will be fine. Mel and Paul will keep me entertained, and as I get up and around, I'll meet people. I'll even get them to wheel my scraggly ass in to use the QEC once in a while, so I can see how you guys are handling Dad being in your hip pockets for months at a time." She squeezed Jane's hand. "I'll be fine, and you two should get going. There's a rumour going around that you're shipping out this morning."

 

Still not convinced, but not willing to argue the point, Shepard bent over and gave Sol a gentle hug.

 

"I heard your speech by the way," Sol whispered in her ear. "You did good."

 

Shepard pressed a kiss to the turian's cheek and pulled back. "Thanks. You wrote it for me."

 

"Get yourself up out of this bed, Stretch," Garrus said, bending to touch his brow to his sister's. "Going to expect to hear from you soon."

 

She hugged him. "Take care of Dad and Jane out there, Twig. It's an unfriendly galaxy."

 

"I will."

 

After a moment, she pushed him away. "Get going. Enough fawning over me. Kick raider ass, come back, and pick me up."

 

Raising her hand in a small wave, Shepard backed to the door. "We'll be back before you know it."

 

"You better be, Earth is frickin' cold."

 

Garrus wrapped an arm around Shepard's shoulders and steered her out the door, hurrying her along as if he wouldn't be able to keep going if he didn't leave then and leave fast. They said nothing on the walk back to the ship, parting ways on the elevator as he headed for his station and she ran up to change.

 

"Admiral Shepard," Joker called on the comm as Shepard stepped off the elevator onto the CIC.

 

"Yes?"

 

"The _Normandy_ is green across the board and ready for take off." After a slight pause, Joker continued, "and I just thought I should be the first one on the crew to call you that. Figure I earned it." Another pause. "I am the first, right?"

Shepard nodded. "Yeah Joker, you're the first." With an odd sense of nervousness, Shepard walked up to the galaxy map. Instead of climbing the stairs, however, she stopped at the bottom and placed her hands on the rails. She rubbed her hands on the cool metal, warming it with the friction. "As soon as we get clearance from Alliance control, let's get back out there."

"Roger that."

"Welcome back, Admiral," Traynor said, giving Shepard an encouraging smile.

"Thank you, Specialist." Shepard climbed the stairs, stared at the galaxy map, then brought it up, zooming in on the space between the Local Cluster and the Serpent Nebula. She stared at it for a long time, the area where the refugee colony had been attacked tagged, oddly hanging there between systems. She'd never been to that part of space, the relays had always jumped her straight past it, but as she stared at that tag, she wondered how much lay between the known systems. How many people were there out in those vast expanses who had never even imagined that around them, other races traversed the stars?

"As much as the relays made travel fast," Traynor said, her voice carrying the same awe that Shepard was feeling, "I think we're going to see a lot more of the galaxy now."

Shepard nodded, the action breaking her reverie, and she punched in the coordinates.

Under her, the familiar hum and throb of the _Normandy_ 's engines deepened, the ship seeming almost eager to get back out and do what it was meant to do. Shepard smiled, trailing her hand along the railing as she dismounted the stairs, caressing the ship, her ship, like an old friend. Shepard smiled and nodded, setting out at an easy jog for the bridge. They were back together for now, and she intended to enjoy every minute.

" _Normandy_ , you are cleared for departure. Good hunting out there."

"Roger that, Alliance control," Joker said as Shepard stepped through the door onto the bridge. "We'll be back before you miss us. _Normandy_ out."

Shepard felt the thrusters come to life under her feet, the deck pulsing and vibrating as the _Normandy_ lifted straight off the tarmac, ascending five hundred feet before Joker swung her around and aimed her for the stars. Shepard watched the clouds close in on them, then become a fluffy white carpet beneath them as the brilliant blue turned to navy and then black.

 

"It's good to be home," Joker sighed.

 

Shepard merely nodded, watching as Luna slipped past and they headed for Mars. She turned to the door, then stopped, looking back over her shoulder. "Have you heard from Liara, lately?"

 

Joker shook his head. "She's been hiding out in her quarters. I think she's got a bad case of the now-whats."

 

"Yeah. Thanks, Joker." Shepard strode out the door and across the CIC to the elevator. She'd been far too wrapped up in getting herself and the _Normandy_ ready for action. Well, that and Garrus and family. She shook her head, chastising herself for letting it go so long before searching Liara out again.

 

She knocked on the door to the Shadow Broker's quarters. "Liara?"

 

"Come in."

 

Shepard hit the door control, walking through when it opened.

 

"Greetings, Admiral," Glyph said, zipping over to hover in front of her. "It's good to see you again. Congratulations on your promotion."

 

"Thanks, Glyph. Is it all right if I speak with Liara for a minute?"

 

"Of course." Instead of moving out of her way, the drone continued to hover.

 

"Glyph?"

 

"Admiral, I was wondering..."

 

Shepard shook her head, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smirk. "Yes?"

 

"It's a somewhat personal matter, Admiral," the drone continued. "I was wondering if your combat drone might be able to instruct me in the use of missiles?"

 

"Glyph!" Liara called. "We talked about this."

 

"Are you sure Glyph is a VI?" Shepard asked, looking past the white glowing ball of light and force fields. "Glyph, my combat drone isn't even a VI. It has only the most basic target recognition programming. It can't teach you anything."

 

"But, you have given it a name, Admiral. You refer to the drone as Droney, if I am not mistaken?"

 

"A human thing, Glyph. We anthropomorphize things." Shepard winced and gave Liara an apologetic shrug.

 

"I see. Very well, Admiral, thank you for the clarification."

 

Stepping around the drone, Shepard walked over to where Liara was sitting on the side of her bed. "Hey, there. Mind if I sit?"

 

"Of course not." Liara gave her a thin smile then looked back to the small box in her hand. "Congratulations on your promotion. It's long overdue."

 

Shepard sat beside her friend. "I didn't see you out there this morning. How come?" She watched the asari's face, trying to intuit what the problem was.

 

"I honestly didn't think the rest of us were supposed to be there." Liara gave a soft laugh. "Then James brought me this." She opened the box. "The Star of Terra... given to an asari."

 

"You deserve it. If it wasn't for you, none of us would be here." Shepard put her arm around Liara's shoulders. "You saved all our asses, Shadow Broker."

 

Turning to look into Shepard's eyes, Liara smiled. "Thanks. It was a group effort, wasn't it?" She nodded, answering her own question. "Something that bodes well for the future, if we can hang on to it."

 

"I haven't seen you since the day after I got out of the hospital. You been hiding on me, T'Soni?"

 

Liara stood and walked past the long wall of vid screens. "I've been trying to figure out what happens now." She shrugged and turned toward the screens, leaning against her terminal. "Feeds are gone, agents probably all dead. I don't even know if Feron is still alive. Not much use for a Shadow Broker in a post-Reaper galaxy, and even if there is, I'm useless. Blind, deaf..."

 

Shepard turned, lifting her legs over the corner of the bed, so she was facing Liara again. "Of course there's a need for you. On this crew for now. Then, once the comm networks are back up and running, the Shadow Broker might even become a force for unification." She gave a slight shrug. "It's not going to take the races very long to rebuild to nearly full strength. I bet you anything within two years, the relays and comm networks will be restored, and the game will be playing harder than ever."

 

Liara nodded. "I..." She leaned forward and back, her arms braced against the console. "I don't know what I'm feeling. We won. I'm supposed to be happy, right? I'm supposed... well, I'm not supposed to be feeling this." She shoved herself away from the computer, her arms swinging a little.

 

"Yeah, sure you are." Shepard stood and walked over to lay her hand on her friend's back. "Whatever you're feeling is exactly what you're supposed to be feeling. You think I don't feel a little lost and more than a little panicked? I have no idea how to deal with where my life is going." She chuckled. "Can you see me chasing toddlers around a house and changing diapers?"

 

Liara laughed. "Maybe, as long as you still have your Mattock." She straightened, squaring her shoulders, her laugh turning into an encouraging smile. "You'll be an excellent mother, but I understand. It's uncharted waters for most of us now."

 

"The galaxy wants a representative senate. Tell me there isn't going to be a need for the Shadowbroker in that process." Shepard squeezed her shoulder. "And in the meantime, I could sure use your help tracking these raiders and getting the refugees home."

 

"I did have a couple of ideas about how to track them from the attack site." Liara turned and slipped her arms around Shepard's waist, laying her cheek on the admiral's shoulder. "Thank you, Shepard. You're a good friend."

 

"You are too, Liara T'Soni." Shepard returned her hug. "First thing tomorrow morning, conference in the war room to start planning. 0900 hours. You'll be there?"

 

"I'll be there, Admiral." Liara pulled back. She turned toward her computer, placing the box on her console so that she could see the medals within. "I've never been a hero before."

Shepard shook her head. "You've always been a hero, Liara. Always."


	15. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are nightmares . . . and then there are Nightmares.

**May 7, 2187**

 

"Come on, Alenko, keep up." Shepard gasped for air between words, her feet pounding against the unstable surface. "James? You still with me, soldier?"

James just shook his head and dug in harder.

"I can't keep going, Shepard," Kaidan gasped, floundering. He threw himself forward, his arms flailing. "I give up."

"Don't you dare, Alenko. We're almost there. Move it, Major!"

"No, I'm done." Gasping, stumbling to a halt, Kaidan dropped back.

The door behind them opened, and Garrus walked through. "You three still at it?"

Shepard turned off the treadmill and reached for her towel. "Kaidan just gave up the ghost." After dabbing the sweat from her face, she brushed Garrus's cheek with a kiss. She walked over to the closest couch, laying her towel over the leather before sitting. Chuckling, she watched Kaidan wobble over to a chair and collapse into it.

The Major gave a hearty, very dramatic wheeze. "I need oxygen."

"Hey! I'm still going." James glanced over his shoulder. "You quittin' on me, Admiral?"

"Yeah. It gets a little old running to same ten klicks of road every day." She leaned back and kicked her feet up on the coffee table and looked over at the other end of the rec / lounge area. "What's the vid tonight, people?" she called to the crew sprawled in front of the large vid screen.

"Vampire Zombie Virus Mutants," Traynor sighed. "I can't believe anyone watches this shite."

"Hey!" Kenneth said, leaning forward to glare at her from the other end of the couch. "You just want to watch Fleet and Flotilla again, bloody girlie drivel."

"No." Traynor snapped back, but her tone lacked conviction. Her omnitool beeped at her, and after a second of playing with it, she lifted Gabby's feet off her lap, got up and walked to the door. "Thank god, work beckons."

"You could have left at any time," Kenneth called after her.

"Kenneth, stop moving, you keep waking me up," Gabby mumbled and yawned.

"You're sleeping? Dammit girl, this is the best part."

"Best part of crap is still crap, Kenneth." Gabby resettled herself on the couch and yawned.

Garrus sat beside Shepard, turning sideways to watch the vid. "So... vampire zombies? Isn't that kind of like saying, the undead undead?"

"Aye, but these zombies are mutants. The Corporation ran experiments on the zombies and turned them into vampires. Watch this, it's bloody brilliant!" He waved away Garrus's next question, leaning forward to watch the screen. A small band of teenagers ran through the streets, pursued by the rotting blood-sucking mutant zombies.

Shepard leaned forward, dropping her feet to the floor, and rested her elbows on her knees, wincing a little as sweaty skin met sweaty skin. "Why would you experiment on zombies to turn them into vampires? I mean, isn't that asking for Armageddon?"

Kenneth turned, giving her a glare that both silenced her question and made her laugh. She held up her hands. "Sorry. Sorry. Have at it. I need a shower anyway." She got up, snatched her towel off the couch and flicked it around her neck. As she stepped out the door, one of the teenage girls turned a fuel pump into a flame thrower much to Kenneth's howling delight.

"Okay," Garrus said, "they ran experiments on the zombies to turn them into vampires?"

"No, they were trying to cure ..." The door shut, blessedly cutting off the rest of the conversation.

Still shaking her head, she walked to the elevator and headed up to her quarters. Just inside her door, she glanced at her chrono: 2200 hours. Nearly time to surrender and try to get some sleep. Hopefully an hour of sparring with James followed by running ten klicks would knock her out cold and kept the dreams at bay.

"Hey there, Mordin." She glanced in at her hamster. The little guy waddled out to the glass, scratched around a bit and then returned to his nest. "Getting up there, aren't you, little man? Slowing down." She gave him his food and scratched the top of his head with a fingertip.

The door opened, and she turned. "What? Did the Vampire Zombie Leprechaun Mutant Aliens lose your interest?"

Garrus chuckled and trotted down the stairs. "Don't forget the virus. Vampire Monster Zombie Alien Virus Mutants."

"Right ... virus. How could I have forgotten?" She kicked off her shoes, stripped off her t-shirt and shorts, and padded into the bathroom. When the water was adjusted just how she liked, she stepped under the spray, braced her hands against the wall and just let her head hang, the water beating off the back of her neck.

"So," Garrus said, startling her a little as he ran his hands down her back.

"Good lord, Vakarian. When did you get so stealthy?" She looked over her shoulder. "You're not dressed and yet you're in the shower with me. How will you get your clothes soaked?"

He just shook his head and massaged her neck. "So," he repeated, "why are you down there running yourself ragged for four hours every night? Weights, boxing, running..." He plucked her soap out of her hands and lathered up her back and shoulders, then went back to massaging her.

Shepard moaned softly and leaned forward, bracing against the wall again so that she could push against his hands. "Damn that feels good." She closed her eyes, forcing anything other than the feel of his hands from her mind.

"Shepard."

She sighed. "I'm going a little crazy being stuck on the ship 24/7, that's all. You going to tell me that ten weeks out here isn't making you a little wall-eyed?"

"It's getting a little tight, but I think you're lying to me. Weren't you the one who said we had to come clean with one another? No secrets? No hiding?" He rubbed her neck then slipped his arms around her. "I'm in that bed every night, Shepard. I know the nightmares are getting worse. I told myself that you'd talk about it when you were ready, but...."

She straightened and turned, her hands sliding up the plates on his chest. "They're nightmares, Garrus. There's nothing you can do about them, as much as I love that you'd try." She turned back, picked up the soap and cloth. After swirling the cloth around the soap a couple of times, she stopped, backing into him, and leaned back, resting her head in the angle of his shoulder. "I'm tired, Garrus."

"Yeah." Garrus took the cloth from her hand and took over, washing her with a tenderness that smashed at her walls, almost breaking through. Three or four times, she opened her mouth to tell him about the dreams, but each time she choked it back. He wanted to help. He'd drive himself crazy trying to help, but he couldn't help. Burdening him with that would be selfish.

"Come on," he said when he finished. "Rinse off, get yourself dry and let's get into bed." He passed her a towel and grabbed one for himself.

Shepard nodded and hit the shower control. She grabbed a towel, quickly dried, and then walked over to the sink. Leaning against the edge of the vanity, she peered at herself in the foggy mirror. Even through the mist, she could see the dark shadows under her eyes.

"You look like death warmed over, Shepard," she muttered to her reflection.

"Admiral?"

Shepard let out an exhausted sigh, her head flopping down so her chin bumped on her chest as Traynor's voice came over the comm. "What can I do for you, Specialist. I can't improve Kenneth's taste in movies." She closed her eyes and leaned against the sink.

Traynor chuckled. "Take a miracle of biblical proportions to pull that one off, but no, not why I called. We just received some really odd data from our long-range scans. Massive dark energy emissions, mass effect fields ... I've never seen anything like it ... well, at least not in the field. You might want to come have a look."

"Okay, give me a minute to get dressed. Call Tali, Liara, Adams, Commandant Vakarian, and anyone you think might have something to add. I'll meet you in the war room in ten."

"Yes, ma'am."

Shepard brushed her teeth and headed out to get dressed. "Get dressed, Vakarian, we have strange readings to investigate." She threw on a uniform, and they headed for the elevator.

"Okay, hit me, Traynor. What happened?" Shepard called, walking into the war room moments later.

"It's quite literally the strangest thing I've ever seen." The specialist activated the holoprojector. "We were running the usual scans when we received a series of intense spikes in gravitational readings. We're talking wormhole-intense gravitation but on a subatomic scale and lasting milliseconds. The dark energy readings would have buried the needles, if we had needles."

A series of blips that looked underwhelming on the projector, raced across what amounted to a vast arc of space.

"Bottom line for me, Traynor. Bottom line."

Adams stepped forward. "It looks as though mass effect fields were used to either create or control a series of incredibly small, intense wormholes across this entire sector. They appeared at precise locations with precise timing."

"Which is impossible," Shepard said.

"Not impossible, but pretty damned improbable, yes," Traynor said. "The technology needed to control events like this ... well, it’s Reaper level. I've never heard of anything like it."

"You know," Tali said from across the room, "this data looks familiar." She brought up her omni-tool. "We detected dark energy readings on Haestrom that were very similar to these." She grumbled to herself for a moment. "They're not exact, but it's almost like someone is using a similar technology to do two different things on different scales." She shook her head. "I'll need to do spend some time analysing this and get back to you."

"Can you track it?" Shepard leaned her hip against the curved edge of the console.

"We have the locations of each event as far as they occurred within our scanning range, yes, but as to where they started, let's just hope I can back trace them." Traynor shrugged. "They existed for just a tiny fraction of a second each, but the gravitational impact from each was massive. Each one sent out gravitational ripples like the shockwaves of an earthquake radiating out from the epicenter." 

Adams shook his head. "Except of course, completely different. But, to the point, the gravitational ripples should be traceable to the beginning of the chain."

"Why create a string of infinitesimal wormholes?" Garrus asked.

"If I had to hazard a guess, I would say it was some sort of ERC system,” Traynor answered.

"Einstein-Rosen Bridge Communication?" Shepard scowled. "I thought that went out the window with QEC development."

"It did," Traynor confirmed. She shrugged. "But, it's the only reason I can think of for creating a series of wormholes like this. Each location could be a buoy or receiver/transmitter. It grabs the transmission, boosts it and sends it on."

"If it is a comm network, it might be what we're looking for," Adams said, but he looked sceptical. "ERC is hardly raider-level tech. It's expensive and unstable. They'd be as likely to blow themselves to hell as send a successful transmission."

"Did you see anything like this when you entered the region?" Shepard asked, looking up at Herros, who stood by the door.

"No, but none of our ships had the scanning capability of the _Normandy_."

Shepard nodded. "Okay, let's keep our scanners peeled. We're entering the part of space where the attack occurred, so it could be related." She looked to Traynor, whose brow remained furrowed. "Okay?"

The specialist nodded. "Yes, Admiral. I'll get on tracking them immediately."

"Good. If you need me, you know where to find me." She patted Traynor's shoulder on the way by. "Good work."

Garrus stepped in behind Shepard as she left the war room. "Wormhole communications systems?" He paused and turned to Herros, who'd followed them out. “You headed to bed, Dad?"

Herros nodded and opened the door to his stateroom. "Goodnight you two. Sleep well." 

Shepard leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “Goodnight, Dad.”

After Herros closed his door, Garrus led the way down the narrow corridor. “So, wormhole communications?”

"I know. It sounds crazy, and why would anyone bother with QEC tech readily available?" Shepard hit the door control, stepping through into the CIC when it opened. "They canned ERC development because the mass effect fields had to be so precise. Any little interference ...."

"Boom?"

"Yeah, in a major way."

Garrus stepped ahead of her to call the elevator. "Guess we'll find out."

"Yeah, probably while whatever it is explodes around us. That's how we usually find out what things are." She stepped in and sent the elevator up a deck.

"Or when it's trying to kill us." He put his arm around her shoulders as they walked back into their quarters.

"That's my favourite part, the trying to kill us part." She stripped off her uniform even as she walked down to the bed, tossing it onto the chair in the corner. Thirty seconds later, she crawled into bed, and let out a massive yawn. “I could sleep for twenty years.”

Garrus climbed in next to her and pulled her in tight against him. "Get some sleep, and no nightmares."

She leaned up and kissed him, then curled into her spot at his side. "Goodnight, Garrus."  
______________________________________________________________________

The forest spread before her, filling her with dread. It wasn’t a superstitious dread, but one of knowing what was coming. Night after night, the same images; the same accusations and rage; the same fear and helplessness.

"Here’s the problem as I see it."

Shepard jumped and spun to face the source of the deep voice, its tone like millstones trying to grind gravel. "Balak?"

"At least you remember who I am." He tipped his head in a mocking nod of thanks.

"What do you want? You've never been in my dreams." She took a step toward him and the endless silver-white trunks of the trees and swaying foliage vanished, replaced by shining metal and a piercing blue light. Lurching to a surprised halt, Shepard tripped a little, her toe catching.

"Perhaps you subconscious brought me here to liven things up. Maybe I brought myself here to ensure that your life sentence is carried out." He walked past her, into the trees. "Do you ever wonder why your dreams always pull you back to Mindoir? Perhaps the monsters lurking in those trees aren't finished with you yet?" He shrugged and returned to the sterile metal platform. "That’s a question for another night."

Shepard winced, and pressed her hand to her face as her nose and the entire left side of her sinuses burned like she'd stepped out into minus forty degree weather and taken a deep breath. An iron ozone smell seemed to pierce all the way to the back of her skull.

"I've come to remind you of something you seem to have forgotten, Commander." He emphasized the rank, lacing the word with venom.

"That’s admiral. What do you think I’ve forgotten?"

He lifted a finger to point behind her. "Not what, but who, Commander."

Shepard turned, the air thickening around her until her free hand literally grappled with it, like a swimmer fighting a hard current. Each degree revealed more of where she was, like a slowly unfolding curtain of dread.

"The Crucible..." Stumbling, she fell to her knees. "No. I destroyed them. I destroyed them."

"Did you?" Balak sauntered past her, his hands clasped loosely behind his back. "Saren was indoctrinated to believe that he could save organics by making them useful to the Reapers. The Illusive Man was indoctrinated to believe he could control them. Why couldn't you have been indoctrinated to believe that you destroyed them, buying a new and glorious galaxy for everyone?"

"No. No, it's not true. I have too many people around me for me to be indoctrinated and not alert them." She pressed her free hand against the cold metal, shoving herself up onto jittery legs. Her vision wavered and confusion drifted behind her eyes like a fog, keeping her off balance.

He nodded. "That sounds reasonable." Pacing a few feet one way, then back, he continued to nod as if thinking it through. "Of course, you did take a one way trip to the heart of the Catalyst. You could be standing right there, right now, senseless, imagining your perfect life. Loving man, the missing members of your crew's and your fiancée's families found, even children awaiting that blessed day you're ready to start a family. Awarded, honoured, decorated .... All so very perfect."

"No," Shepard shuffled toward him. Her left arm dropped from her face to clamp against her side as a new pain tore through her, and the warm trickle of blood flowed over her skin.

"It's all just a little too perfect, though, isn't it? Very Arthurian. Gallant hero dies in the final battle, only to be taken away and healed. It's almost as though someone were writing it. The legendary Arthur, or Shepard, of course ..." He gave her another of his mocking bows. "... returns from Avalon, healed by the three sisters, to take up Excalibur, or the _Normandy_ , to save the galaxy once more."

Shepard closed on him. "No. It's not perfect. EDI, the geth ..."

"Yes, you did kill them all to win your perfect life, didn't you?" He waved a hand toward the interior of the Crucible where the brilliant column of light and energy roared. Shadows appeared along all three paths, the closest revealing themselves ... Ashley, EDI, Thane, Mordin, Miranda, Legion. Behind them ranks of geth, batarian civilians, asari ... all those she couldn't save or had killed.

"I would have died to save any of them," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "I would have …." Limping forward a few steps, she reached up, swiping at a tickle on her lip, the back of her hand coming away streaked with blood. "I'm not dead."

Ashley stepped forward, walking up to Shepard with that strong, tomboy strut. "No, you're not dead yet, Shepard. Why do you think you're here? You think you're here because of some guilt complex?" The soldier scoffed. "Bullshit! Commander Shepard riddled with guilt for doing the right thing? Come on, I know you better than that. I was on Virmire, remember? I guess technically, I'm still on Virmire ... all over Virmire, actually."

"No," EDI said, her robot body slinking forward to join Ashley. "You are here, Shepard, because you have yet to make a choice. Which path, Shepard? Will you give in to your cowardice forever, or will you choose the road not taken?"

"Choose a path, Shepard," Thane said, giving her a slight bow. "Destroy, control, or alter everyone forever. Kalahira awaits."

"No. No. I made my choice. I'm sorry, but I made it." She cried out, the pain in her side sharpening like a dagger buried in her flesh. "I destroyed them."

"So very disappointing, Commander," Balak said. He laughed, belying his words. "So very, very disappointing."

Shepard bolted upright in bed, screaming, the batarian terrorist's laughter echoing inside her skull. Pain lanced through the left side of her face, and clawed hands ripped into her side, tearing her open.

"Shepard?"

She felt the bed move as Garrus jumped up, but he was just a shadow moving against the dim light from the fish tank as darkness closed in around her. "No. I chose." The words came out like a breath.

"Spirits! Shepard!"

She fell over on her side, the soft, warm sheets impacting like a cannon shot through her head.

"Dr. Chakwas, something's wrong. Shepard's bleeding ... her face ...."

Shepard wondered vaguely why Garrus sounded so afraid. He wasn't one given to panic.

"I don't know. She just woke up and screamed. She's bleeding everywhere. There's so much ...."


	16. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard awakes to perhaps an even greater nightmare.

**May 8, 2187**

 

A tiny spark of light bloomed in the darkness. She winced away from it as it sliced into her consciousness. Pain radiated outward from the light, growing more intense as the light became hotter and brighter, the slicing transmuting into a searing burn. She struggled, fighting back against the pain, lashing out at the light.

“Shepard, you're all right. Try to stay calm. Garrus, hold her arms. Tightly!” The light disappeared, replaced by a thick grey and orange fog.

She blinked and stopped fighting as she began to make out forms through the fog, and recognized Dr. Chakwas's voice. Struggling to breath through the pain that gripped and tore at her like varren jaws, Shepard gasped, choking on blood.

“What the hell is going on?” Garrus called from her right, his voice high and tight with panic.

“Her body's rejecting her implants,” Dr. Chakwas responded, the pale orange patch of fog moving across Shepard's vision. “Turn her on her side, or she's going to aspirate. Suction.”

“Fifth medigel on board,” Kaidan's voice called from near her feet. “It's not doing anything. She's going to bleed out.”

A tube forced its way between her clamped jaws.

“We've got to get the convulsions under control. The midazolam, Kaidan.”

“It's not going to matter . . .” Shoes slipped and squeaked on the floor. “Damn!”

Darkness closed in around her again as hands grasped her, rolling her over, the world spinning until she fell.

She landed hard on a solid black surface in a solid black world, the impact knocking the wind from her lungs. Gasping, she pushed her arms under her, crying out with pain and effort as she shoved herself up. “Where am I?” she called into the void. “What's happening to me?” She collapsed, curling into a ball of misery.

A garbled whisper, like hearing someone speak underwater, echoed through her thoughts, but she made no sense out of it.

“Where are you? You spoke to me before.”

A garbled whine pierced the darkness, stuttering, dragging out like a badly scrambled comm signal.

Shepard covered her ears. “I can't understand you. What's going on? Help me.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Someone ... please.”

A high-pitched whine stabbed through her like a white-hot metal skewer, then vanished.

“I am here,” the gentle, familiar voice spoke, coming through clearly at last. “Do not be alarmed. The pain will cease shortly.”

As the voice promised, the pain receded and Shepard let go, collapsing back into the void, drifting into a sleep beyond exhaustion, bordering on the razor edge of death.

 

**May 13, 2187**

“We tracked another four series of wormholes that night.”

Shepard heard Traynor's voice as if she were at the end of a very long hallway, the words bouncing off the walls as they travelled. She tried to open her eyes, but her eyelids weighed three tonnes each.

“All four followed different trajectories. It's made a bloody mess out of my tracking attempts.” She paused. “I didn't put it together until Liara and I started talking about what happened to the admiral. We looked up the time Garrus called med bay, it's less than 30 seconds after the first burst. The last burst was four minutes before Shepard's attack ended.”

“That seems to be a pretty big coincidence,” Dr. Chakwas said.

Shepard forced her eyes open and flopped over on her back. Every inch of her body felt as though someone had attacked her with a giant meat tenderizer.

“Shepard!” Garrus appeared above her, his hand slipping behind her neck, thumb stroking her cheek.

Shepard blinked a few times, clearing her vision from ten shots of tequila blurry down to two. She ran her tongue around her mouth a few times, wincing at the thick layer of scum. “Water?”

Dr. Chakwas appeared on her right and slid an arm under her shoulders to help her sit up a little. “Here you are, Admiral. She eased the cup to Shepard’s lips.

A few swallows of extremely disgusting tasting slime later, Shepard pushed it away. “Thanks, doc.” She laid back down and looked up into Garrus's worried face. “What happened?”

He shook his head and bent down to press his mouth against her forehead.

“Your body rejected all your implants,” Dr. Chakwas answered. “Then, as suddenly as it began, it stopped.”

Shepard held up an arm. The skin was criss-crossed by thick red scars. “How long have I been asleep?” Surely, she couldn't have healed so much in a few hours. Her heart began pounding in her chest, breath coming quick and shallow.

Garrus stroked her hair. “It's been four days, Shepard.”

She gripped the yoke of his armour and pulled herself up, dragging her legs off the side of the bed. Her blankets fell away, revealing the same pattern of mostly healed wounds covering her chest and stomach. “God.”

Garrus pulled the blanket up, draping it over her shoulders. He ran the back of loving talons along her collarbone.

She reached up and took his hand. “I'm okay, Garrus. All systems normal. In a couple of days it will all just be a bad dream.” Looking around, she sighed. “I need some clothes, please. I think I've caused enough of a sensation without traipsing naked through the ship.”

Garrus pulled back. “Where do you think you're going that you need clothes?”

“Up to our cabin, Garrus.”

“Admiral!” Dr. Chakwas strode around the end of the bed. “No. I need you to stay here, where I can monitor you. We still have no idea why this happened.”

“The doctor is right, Shepard.” Garrus moved to block her ability to get down. “Stay here.”

“Doctor, did you do anything to stop the attack?” Shepard asked, leaning around Garrus.

Karin didn't answer, crossing her arms.

“Right. And you couldn't do anything to treat it. So if it happens again, it will either stop on its own or it won't.” Shepard moved to slide down, but Garrus took her by the shoulders, stopping her.

“Shepard, please. Stay here.”

She took his face between her hands. “Garrus, I'm tired, and I feel like I've been put through a gravel crusher. I just want to take a shower and go to sleep in my own bed.”

He closed his eyes, turning his face into her hand. “Shepard, I can't wake up next to my...” He swallowed hard, the muscles rippling under her hands. “I can't wake up with you screaming...”

She pulled him into her arms, stroking his neck gently. “If I stay here tonight. If nothing happens, then you'll let me back upstairs tomorrow?”

He turned his face into her neck and nodded.

“Okay.” She looked at the head of the bed. “How do we raise this thing?” Dr. Chakwas stepped in to help, and Shepard swung her legs back up, covering herself with the blankets. “Scan away, Doc. I'm out of here in twenty-four hours. Get what you need before then.”

Garrus seemed to be doing a detailed study of the deck plating. She reached out and took his hand, squeezing his fingers.

“Ummm,” Traynor said from the back of the room.

“Sam, come on up here and hit me with your hypothesis,” Shepard ordered. “You said four series of the wormholes appeared at the same time as this ...” She waved at the scars, not sure what to call it. “...attack, happened?”

“Indeed, Admiral. Adams, Tali and I have been pouring over the data, but we still have no idea. I'm convinced its a communication system, but without the protocols, tracking it is going to be nearly impossible now. This whole sector of space is a mess of gravitational eddies. I'm sorting through them as fast as I can, but...”

Shepard scowled. “When I was unconscious after the Crucible, I heard a voice in my dreams, or whatever they were. It was comforting. Neither male or female, as far as I can tell. It said something...” She pressed her eyes closed and struggled to remember. “I asked if it was God, and it said that it was a piece of some greater achievement.” She shrugged. “Who knows what the hell that means, but when the attack was happening, I think it was trying to talk to me, but it couldn't get through. It sounded like a really bad comm signal.”

Sam straightened. “You think it might be a comm signal?” She began to pace, tapping her lips with a finger. “What if your implants communicate with your nervous system on some sort of frequency that these new signals are interfering with. As soon as the cascades stopped, your implants started communicating with your body again and everything sorted itself?”

“I doubt my implants are talking to me, Specialist.” Shepard gave her a dubious frown.

“No, not actually talking to you, but who's to say that your subconscious mind isn't registering these signals and interpreting them, trying to make sense of them, by turning them into a voice?”

“If that's the case, your body could reject them every time one of these cascades occurs,” Dr. Chakwas said. She played with her omnitool. “We need to take a whole different approach. Scans, blood and tissues samples...” She walked away, still rattling off tests she needed to run. Traynor following her, making suggestions and asking questions.

Shepard watched them for a moment, then tugged on Garrus's hand. “Hey.”

“This could happen again,” he said, his voice a low rumble.

“Everything's a risk, Garrus. It's always hanging by a thread.” She smiled. “You told me that.” She pulled him closer. “I'm fine for now. Nothing's changed, except that if someone is using a comm system that shuts my body down, I should probably find the raiders and get out of the area ASAP.” She squeezed his hand. “I've been here four days. How much sleep have you gotten in that time?”

He just shook his head.

“Yeah, about what I figured.” She scooted over. “Come on.”

After a moment of staring at her like he had no idea what to do with her, he sighed and shook his head. He eased himself onto the narrow bed, lying on his side facing her. “I'm scared, Shepard,” he said, his voice low enough to stay between the two of them.

“Why?” She flipped over to face him. “Because of this?”

He lifted her blanket, pulling it up over her bare shoulder, tucking it gently around her neck. “Is this the rest of our lives, Shepard?”

She frowned. “You changing your mind, Vakarian?”

“I can't spend the rest of our life together wondering what you're hiding from me.” He brushed her cheek with his finger when she started to answer him. “I know that you would never try to deceive me, except in this. You have to stop trying to protect me. At least if I know what's going on, I can deal with it.”

“Okay.” She turned to kiss his palm and closed her eyes. “This dream wasn't like the others. I knew it was a dream.” A sharp, bitter laugh cut through her words. “I remember thinking, 'Oh God, not again,' when I saw the forest. Then Balak was there.” She shook her head and opened her eyes, staring into his. “He said something... something like, ‘This is your problem' or 'here's your problem', and when I walked toward him, I stepped out of the forest and onto the Crucible. He told me that I'd forgotten something, so I asked what. He replied that it wasn't what, but who.”

Garrus resettled himself so that her head was cradled on his arm, his fingers rubbing her back through the blanket.

“He didn't tell me that I was still on the Crucible, indoctrinated into inaction, but he kept on about how my life here was too perfect. Very Arthurian, he said.” She shrugged at Garrus's quizzical expression. “King Arthur is a legend, a myth from Earth's middle ages. The valiant king who, with the power of his magical sword, Excalibur, unifies the land, creates the perfect kingdom. Eventually, he is brought down by a combination of witchcraft and his own weaknesses. He dies in a final great battle, only to be taken away to the mystical island of Avalon to be healed and await the time when he and Excalibur are needed once more.”

“So you would be Arthur and the _Normandy_ is Excalibur?” He nodded. “Makes sense as a metaphor.”

“He just kept saying how my life was so perfect that it had to be a delusion. I pointed out EDI and the Geth, and then people appeared, first just misty apparitions like my usual dreams, but then they solidified into Ashley, EDI, Mordin... everyone we lost. Behind them were Geth and Batarians, Asari... millions of people I sacrificed or couldn't save. Ashley ... she called me out. She said that there was no way I’d feel guilty for doing the right thing, that I was still on the Crucible, still waiting to make a choice.”

She winced at the memory of the pain. “Throughout the entire dream I became more and more wounded, first my head, then my side. Then I woke up.”

He pulled her tight against him, and she nestled into her spot, fitting herself along his contours. “I understand why you wouldn't want to tell me about this, Shepard, but I'm glad you did. Are you afraid that your dream is right? That this is all some indoctrinated delusion?”

“Sometimes. Does that make me crazy? I wasn't supposed to get this, Garrus. I was supposed to die along with the Reapers.”

“It doesn't make you crazy, Shepard. Thinking that because you made the decision you did, you deserve to be unhappy for the rest of your life... that makes you crazy.” He nuzzled her brow. “What about the speech you gave that morning before the _Normandy_ lifted off? Was it all just rhetoric? I know for a fact that if AI's go to the same afterlife we do, EDI will kick your ass for turning her death into an excuse to live some half-assed, guilt-riddled existence. You were right about that.”

“Just going to grab a tissue sample, Shepard,” Dr. Chakwas said, walking up behind her. “Just have to grab one that has a few of those lovely little nanites that run around healing you.” She activated her omnitool, a screen popping up that showed a magnified view of Shepard's shoulder. After moving the scanner over the area and adjusting the magnification a few times, she grinned. “Gotcha!”

“Ow! Doc!” Shepard yelped as Chakwas stabbed a pen-like object into her arm.

“Apologies, Admiral. I assumed after all of the bullets you've taken over the years, a little pin-prick wouldn't even register.” She gave Shepard a teasing grin and headed back to her lab.

“Ow,” Shepard grumbled, rubbing her shoulder.

“Get some rest,” Garrus said. “For twenty-three more hours, you're on sick leave.”

 

**May 14, 2187**

 

“Admiral?”

Shepard lifted a hand to her eyes, shading them from the light as she opened them a crack. She yawned and looked around the dimly lit Med Bay.

“Admiral Shepard?”

Cursing softly, she rolled over on her back, turning her head away from Garrus. “Specialist Traynor, imagine hearing from you at...” She looked around, realizing that the lights on the whole deck had been dimmed, and Dr. Chakwas was missing. “What time is it, anyway?”

“0430, ma'am.”

“Of course it is. Don't you sleep, Traynor? You should try it sometime.”

Traynor chuckled. “No much this week, that's for sure.”

“So, what can I do for you, Specialist. Since I'm not bursting open at the seams, I assume our wormhole friends haven't returned.” Shepard flopped an arm over her eyes as they tried to settle shut on their own.

“No, ma'am. You wanted to be informed when we located the transport. We just picked it up on sensors.”

“Very good. What's our ETA?” Shepard lifted her arm and glanced over at Garrus as he muttered something in his sleep. She smiled as he frowned, and reached out to drape his arm over her, pulling her closer. “God, I love you,” she whispered.

“What was that, Admiral?”

Shepard laughed. “Sorry Traynor, still half asleep. Don't worry, I wasn't soliciting fraternization.”

The Specialist laughed. “Knowing that you were saying that to Garrus oddly doesn't make me feel any less awkward. It just makes me wonder what I interrupted.”

Shepard laughed softly.

“Right, anyway ... ETA is seven hours, forty-two minutes.”

“Leave a message for James to suit up for 1100, and then get some sleep, Traynor.”

“Yes, ma'am. Goodnight ma'am.”

“Goodnight, Sam.” Shepard rolled over and cuddled back up against Garrus.

“Is this what you call resting during sick leave?” he grumbled, nuzzling her brow. “What did they want?”

“They've located the transport ship from Dad's convoy. Go back to sleep, I'll be right behind you.” She kissed him, her eyes closing. Drifting off, Shepard slipped into a deep, blessedly dreamless sleep.


	17. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected find.

**May 14, 2187**

 

“Admiral?”

“Holy god above. Am I going to have to start shooting people so that I can get some sleep?” Shepard flopped back over.

“Knocking them out should be sufficient,” Garrus mumbled, stretching and resettling himself. “I'll hold them, you club them.”

“What is it?” Shepard sighed, opening the channel.

“Sorry for waking you, Shepard,” Tali said.

“What time is it now?” She sat up and rubbed her face. The windows to the galley were still shaded, but she could hear Karin moving around in the back.

“0830.”

“Okay, at 0830, you can live. What's up, Tali?”

“0830?” Garrus groaned and rolled off the bed onto his feet, wobbling a little as he tried to wake up.

“I've been scanning the wreck of that transport,” Tali said. “I think I'm picking up a life sign. It's faint and oddly sporadic, but I'm almost positive it's a life sign, Shepard.”

“Really? The ship's dead and open to space, isn't it?” Shepard clutched the blankets to her chest and swung her legs out of bed. “How on earth could anyone survive that?”

“The ship's power systems are still operational--it's how we found it--but as to how someone could have survived... Your guess is as good as mine, Shepard. I suppose we'll have to ask them when we get there.” Tali chuckled.

“Yeah, okay. Thanks for keeping me up to date, Tali. Shepard out.” She closed the channel and dropped her chin to her chest, rolling her neck back and forth to stretch it out. “I still feel like someone threw me into a woodchipper.”

“I love you, Shepard, but I'm never sleeping on a bed this narrow with you again.” Garrus stretched, groaning heavily. “My muscle spasms have muscle spasms.”

She watched him, a soft smile on her face, feeling a tenderness that was almost frightening. He made her want so much.

“Staring at me again, Shepard?” He chuckled and walked over to stand between her knees.

“Yeah. Never get tired of it.” She clasped her hands behind his neck. “You better go get your day sorted. We'll be heading over to the wreck as soon as we get some eyes on and see what the situation is.” She leaned forward, resting her brow against his. “And yes, I’ll stay here and be their guinea pig until then.” She smiled and kissed him, closing her eyes, soaking him in through all her other senses. “I love you, Vakarian.”

He nodded and let out a sharp breath. “I'll bring you down some clothes.” He pulled back, his fingers encircling her wrist gently, stretching her arm out to examine the scars. “They're fading.”

“Yep. Another few days, you'll never know anything happened. Thanks to Cerberus.” She gave him a gentle push. “I'll see you in a bit.”

“Yeah.” He turned and strode out.

“Good morning, Admiral,” Dr. Chakwas called. “I trust you got some sleep?”

“Yeah, I did, and no dreams. It was nice.” She smiled. “Still feel like someone turned me inside out, but better.” She wrapped the blanket around her. “So, what now?”

“Now we test our hypothesis,” Tali said as she and Adams walked in the door.

“Theory?” Shepard narrowed her eyes and tilted her head off to the side. “I thought you were scanning the wreck. Two minutes ago...”

“I'm Quarian, Shepard. I can scan a wreck, analyze why your implants went crazy, and perform a complete drive core overhaul at the same time.” Tali gave a smart ass giggle and held her hand out for Shepard's arm. “We think we've isolated the frequency that caused the problem, and found a way to set your shields to jam it. Activate your omni-tool for me and give me access.” She waited as Shepard did as she asked, then keyed in what looked like shield harmonics. “Hold still, this will only hurt a bit. Well, unless it doesn't work, then it will hurt a lot.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “You didn't sleep last night, did you?”

“What do you mean?” Tali tapped commands into Shepard's omni-tool.

“You're loopy, Tali'Zorah vas _Normandy_.” She looked over at Adams. “So, even if it happens again, my shields will block it?”

“It worked in simulations, Admiral,” Adams said. “I'm still not sure if we should be testing it on you yet.” He activated his omni-tool and walked over.

Tali finished and let go of Shepard's arm. “It's true. There's no guarantee the shield modifications will work, Shepard.”

“Well, at least if we find out here, you can shut it down right away. Prefer that to what happened last time.” She looked to Adams. “You prepared to test it?”

He nodded. “If you are, Admiral.”

“We think this is the frequency that caused the interference,” Tali said. She winced. “It would be best to test it before we activate the shield modifications. Otherwise, there's no control.”

Shepard took a deep breath. “Okay, but if we could avoid the splitting open and convulsing, I'd appreciate it.”

Dr. Chakwas stepped up beside her, her omni-tool flaring to life. “I’m not happy about this, Shepard. We nearly lost you last time.”

Shepard nodded. “Noted, Doc, but better now, with you here, than when I’m on a mission or terrifying Garrus in the middle of the night.”

The doctor sighed heavily, but nodded.

“Okay, interfere away.” She leaned forward, fingers gripping the edge of the table. She closed her eyes, waggled her head a little, trying not to tense up. Her heart thumped a little faster, but she forced herself to take slow, deep breaths.

“Okay,” Adams said, sounding none too sure. “Three, two, one.”

Shepard tensed despite herself, but nothing happened. No metallic freezing pain made her brain feel as if it was going to explode out her eye, no stabbing or tearing ripped into her side. She let out a long sigh of relief that changed to disappointment. If they hadn't isolated the correct frequency, the shields wouldn't protect her.

“Going to let it go for five minutes to be sure,” Tali told her, disappointment obvious in her voice. “You weren't affected immediately last time.”

Shepard nodded. She looked up as the door opened, and smiled as Garrus walked in, a uniform over his arm. Grinning, she met his confusion with a shrug. “They thought they had a solution to my...” Grunting hard, she sucked in a breath and held it, her hand lifting to her eye. Pain seared through her brain, garbled feedback noises making her ears ring.

“I think that's confirmation,” Dr. Chakwas said, her voice hard. “Shut it down!”

Shepard leaned forward, weaving precariously. She felt a hand press into her shoulder, the pressure tearing a gasping scream from her. The pain spread like fire burning through her veins. She fought back against it. A horrible, grinding sound rattled through her head, and after a few terrible seconds, she realized it was her teeth. Another shriek of feedback split her skull and the pain began to fade.

Garrus grabbed her as she fell forward, dazed. “Lie down, Shepard.” He eased her back onto the pillow and lifted her feet, then spread the blanket over her.

Gasping, sweat trickling over her skin, Shepard sank into the bed, every muscle from her head to her toes shaking so hard she could hear the bed vibrating. “I'd say that's a yes,” she grunted, closing her eyes.

“Do you want to wait to test the shields?” Tali asked, taking Shepard's hand in hers. “I'm so sorry, Shepard.”

Swallowing hard, Shepard shook her head. “It had to be done. You don't have to be sorry...” She gave the Quarian engineer a weak smile. “... if the shields work. Otherwise...”

Tali chuckled. “You're such a good friend.” She activated the modifications. “You ready to try them out?”

“Might as well get it over with.” She watched Adams walk to the door. “When you're ready.”

Dr. Chakwas and Garrus shot one another displeased looks.

“Three, two, one.” Adams tapped at his omni-tool.

Shepard closed her eyes and waited.

“One minute,” Tali said, some relief in her voice. “Two.” The Quarian sighed. “I think we did it, but we'll let it go for the five minutes anyway.” When the five minutes was up, Tali squeezed Shepard's hand. “We did it, Shepard.”

“Thank you, all of you.” She smiled. “It's good to have a crew of geniuses.” She looked up at Garrus. “See, all good.”

He nodded, still not looking overly happy.

“Don't worry. I'm going to stay here and get a few hours more sleep.” She took his hand. “Can you handle checking out the area around the transport. Make sure we're okay to board?”

“Yeah. I'll be back with the tactical report and your armour when we're ready to go over.”

“Thanks.” She looked down at her skin, and ran her fingers over the raised, red lines. Somewhere over the days since her insides decided to become outsides, they'd cleaned her up, but the need for a shower made itself known as a slight crawling sensation. She sat up and wrapped the blanket around her. “I'm going to borrow the women's bathroom and take a shower, then lie back down.” She took her clothes and boots from Garrus and kissed his cheek on her way past.

She turned on the shower, wishing that she could lock the washroom door, or that the designers had been good enough to put in actual stalls. She hung her blanket over the opening and turned on the shower. The hot water streamed down her body, washing away the strangest handful of days since... well, since the four-month coma after coming back from the dead again.

“Face it, Shepard.” She sighed and dropped her head back so the shower pelted down on her face. “Your whole life is one long string of strange.” And terrifying. Couldn't forget terrifying. She shook off the self-contemplation. It never paid to spend too much time in her own head.

Clean, dry and dressed, she returned to Med Bay, grateful to see everyone had vacated. She climbed back up on the bed and laid on her side, letting out a heavy sigh as she relaxed down into the thin mattress. A few deep breaths later, she fell asleep.

 

* * * * *

“I don't know, Tali. This ship is shot to hell. I don't see how a survivor could be living in here. It's been a couple of months. There's no air, no gravity, no heat.” Shepard shone her flashlight over the wreckage of the bridge. A couple of bodies floated above their chairs like frozen nightmares, but the pilot and co-pilot had been belted in when the ship lost pressure and gravity. She turned to the long corridor back to the cargo area.

“I am reading the heat signature eighty meters aft and a deck below you.” The quarian grumbled. “I just wish I knew why it was so intermittent.”

“Because its a shorting power conduit?” Garrus offered. “I can see ten from here.”

“I think I can tell the difference between a shorting power conduit and a life form, Garrus.” Tali grumbled a bit. “Bosh'tet.”

Garrus chuckled, looking decidedly proud of himself.

“Well, let's see if there is a survivor to find,” Shepard said, ducking under a fallen chunk of bulkhead. “Give me a bit of room before following so that you can rescue me if anything collapses on me.”

“Roger that,” James said. “Unless, you know, we have to run our asses off to avoid being taken with you. Then you're on your own. Sorry, boss.”

Shepard cleared her throat and shook her head, but didn't rise to his bait. Looking down the corridor that ran the center of the ship, she shaded her eyes from the brilliant sprays of sparks that arced from torn power conduits and hanging cables. She turned on her flashlight, aiming it at the floor, looking for holes or weak spots.

At the first door on the left, she signalled James to cover the one directly across on the right, glanced to Garrus to make sure he was ready to cover her, then hit the control. It slid open to reveal a giant hole in the side of the ship, every piece of equipment and passenger long gone when it lost pressure. A couple of children floated in safety harnesses, their parents having strapped them in before themselves. She cast a brief glance over the rest of the room, then moved to cover James.

That room decompressed as they opened it, bodies, personal effects, chairs, and a myriad of other items flying at them. Shepard took cover until the pressure equalized, then moved back in, gently pushing her way through the debris field.

“Am I the only one who'd be okay with never seeing another dead body?” Garrus asked, following her into the room.

She shook her head, and headed down to the main cargo area. She stopped at the door and gave a soft curse.

“Spirits.”

She nodded, and closed her eyes, steeling herself to make it down the room through the hundreds of bodies, toys... She shoved the horror and sorrow aside. There might still be someone alive in this graveyard. That mattered.

Opening her eyes, she pushed forward, ducking under or around as many bodies as she could, trying to afford them that much respect and dignity.

“Madre de dios,” James whispered, lurching to a halt in front of her. Shepard patted him on the shoulder, and took point, turning away from the family of batarians all clinging to one another, anchored by their safety harnesses and frozen in place.

Shepard set her jaw and ducked around them. “The ramp down to the lower deck is just ahead. Let's get this done.” She pushed ahead, stopping at the top of the ramp, letting out a soft groan. “Okay, this is going to be fun. Nothing like a good game of ‘dodge the dancing power cable’.”

She surveyed the debris heaped on the ramp. The crates and larger chunks of debris had bottlenecked there when the lower deck decompressed. There looked to be enough room to climb over, but that route was complicated by power cables cracking and snapping as they whipped back and forth.

She shook her head. “It looks like there's room to crawl through, but...”

“Maybe we can drag some of it out of there?” Garrus suggested. “It doesn't weigh anything, as long as it's not packed in too tight.”

They set to work, pulling the smaller debris and bodies from the pile, gradually working up to the bigger pieces. Finally, the three of them were able to drag the crates out.

“Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming,” James sighed, stretching his neck and shoulders. “Going first again, Lola? Think you can dance?”

Shepard gave him a grim smile. “I think we've established my lack of skill in that particular area.” She rolled her shoulders and started down the incline. Pressing against the left side, she sidled past the first one and rolled under the second.

“Shepard!”

She spun at Garrus' warning shout, hand shooting out in reflex as the second cable twisted and arced straight at her. She grabbed it a foot above the flailing end. “Well shit.” She looked around. Maybe there was somewhere she could wedge it... Her hand started to cramp from the death grip she needed to keep it from getting away.

“Don't worry, Lola. Well-built hero to the rescue.” James sidled past the first one and approached, hands out like he was going to leap on a wrestler.

After watching several feints and dodges, Shepard rolled her eyes. “Today, James. My hand is getting tired.”

“How's a man supposed to make his rescue look all dramatic with you ordering him around?”

“How about you make your big rescue before my future wife gets electrocuted, and I'm forced to make your death look all dramatic,” Garrus called down.

James grabbed the cable. “You two have no appreciation for a heroic rescue.” He gripped the cable with both hands. “Damn, this thing is fighting like a krogan. Get your asses moving before I get electrocuted.”

Shepard got down on her belly and crawled under the last one. “When we get the survivor secured, we'll kill the power.” Getting up, Shepard looked around. The deck was clear, thanks to a hole down the starboard side that stretched almost the entire deck.

“Okay Tali, I'm down on the lower deck. I don't see anything that looks like someone could have survived.” She looked up as Garrus crawled under the last cable and got up.

“Damn, what the hell did they hit this thing with?” he asked.

“Big guns.”

“Shepard, I'm reading a pocket of air and heat underneath the floor fifty feet aft and port. It's not very big, maybe twelve cubic metres,” Tali replied.

“Sounds like a panic room or smuggler’s compartment,” Garrus offered, hanging up his Mantis in favour of his pistol.

Shepard shouldered her Mattock and grabbed her Suppressor. “Okay, here we go. How you doing up there, James?”

“Better with less chat and more being able to let go,” he grumbled, his words sounding like his teeth were clenched.

“Be right with you.” Shepard started across the deck, skirting a hole torn in the floor. Sure enough, in the far corner of the room, they found a hatch and compression controls. “Well, okay, let's see who's hiding in here.” She decompressed the small area between the inner and outer hatches, then opened it up. She leaned down and looked inside. “It's going to be a tight squeeze.”

She lowered herself into the hole and pressed herself tight against one side. Still, when Garrus dropped down, there was barely enough room to seal the hatch. She pressed the compression controls and misty air blew into the space. When the light on the panel turned green, she gave Garrus the nod and brought her pistol into low ready. He opened the hatch. Shepard braced herself for the worst, then leaned down, checking as much of the space as she could see.

“What the hell?” She lowered herself head first, sweeping the small space with her pistol and flashlight, before grabbing the edge and lowering her legs down. When her feet hit the ground, she crouched, the space not quite as tall as she was. It was spotless. A neatly made cot stood along the wall, a portable toilet by the end next to a pile of small crates set up like shelves.

“Anything?” Garrus called down.

“No. Looks like Tali's been living in here, though. It's spotless.” She crouched to check under the bed. “I've got a envirosuit and helmet. Doesn't look very big.” She pulled them out and laid them on the blanket. “Well, hell... huh.”

A small sound drew her attention to the bottom crate of the stack. Unlike the others, it had a lid. Shepard crept forward, reaching out, her pistol held out along her arm. Another sound, like a whimper alerted her. “Oh, my god.”

“What, Shepard?”

“I think it's a child.” She took hold of the lid, turning her pistol away just enough to keep the light on the crate.

The lid exploded out, a flash of motion and screaming throwing her back. Shepard scrambled backward on all fours until her back hit the wall. Recovering from the scare quickly, she brought up her pistol, illuminating a figure cowering at the end of the bed.

A tiny batarian scrambled back into the refuge of the crate, her chest heaving with fear, her eyes darting around the space looking for an escape route. She didn't appear any older than six, her body not much more than skin and bones. Tattered clothing hung off her in rags.

“Garrus, I'm taking off my helmet, so don't pop that hatch.” Shepard reached up and unsnapped her helmet and lifted it off. She smiled at the child as she set the helmet on the bed. Holding her hands out away from her body, she eased herself up into a crouch again.

“Hi there. My name's Admiral Shepard. What's your name?”

Dark, terrified eyes locked on hers., the child pressing herself further into the crate. After a moment, her gaze dropped to the floor. “It's not allowed to talk to strangers. Master said to stay here, shut up.” She shook her head, her gaze darting to Shepard then away.

“It's okay, sweetie. I'm here to help.”

“Shepard?”

The child flinched at Garrus' voice and tried to cram herself into the corner of the crate. “Who's that, it wonders?”

Shepard smiled. “That's Garrus. Don't worry, he's as big a pussycat as they come.” She lowered herself to sit cross-legged on the floor. “Are you sure you can't tell me your name?”

She shook her head. “Master threw it in here, told it to stay and shut up.” The child raised her hands to shield herself. “It was bad.”

“What do you mean, you were bad?” Shepard set the gun down, the light shining near but not directly into the crate.

“It got hungry and broke the rules. It left. The Master will be angry.” She glanced up at the hatch as if wondering if she could make it out before they caught her.

“Sweetie, the master is dead. He was killed in the attack. You're the only person here.” Shepard reached out a hand. “We need to get you someplace safe. You can't stay here all alone.”

“Its Master is dead?” The child cocked her head to the side as if not sure what that even meant. “Like the people above?”

Shepard nodded. “Yes.”

“What will it do?”

Giving her what she hoped was a reassuring smile, Shepard reached out slowly. “Well, how about I take you with me? I'll keep you safe until we find you some place better to live.” The terror and expression of being completely... lost on the child's face broke Shepard's heart. Damn Batarian slavers. They didn't even care if they destroyed their own children.

“You'll be its new Master?” She eased out of the corner a little.

“No, sweetie. You won't have to be anyone's slave any more. How about I be your friend instead?” Shepard eased back into a crouch and moved toward the child. “Friends tell one another their names. Mine is Jane, but everyone calls me Shepard.”

“Cattle don't get names. The Master called it slave or stupid beast.” The child scowled, shifting back and forth, an obvious war raging across her features as she weighed comfort and safety against fear of the unknown.

“Did you have parents, once? Did they call you something else?”

The child huddled in silence for a long time, and when she spoke, her voice barely registered. “Its mother called it Lenka.”

Shepard smiled. “That's a beautiful name.”

“Its name pleases you?” The child's eyes lit up, her entire manner changing as Shepard's approval gave her something to cling to.

Shepard winced away from the role the child was trying to force her into, but she also needed to get Lenka off the wreck and onto the _Normandy_. Preferably before James got himself crispy-fried. She sighed and nodded to herself, the rest could wait.

“It's a very pretty name. Know what would make me even happier? Getting off this ship and back to the _Normandy_. What do you say? Should we get out of here?” Shepard reached over and held up the envirosuit. “Is this yours, Lenka?”

The child nodded.

“Well then, how about we put it on you and get the heck out of here?” She held out her hand. “Don't worry. I'll look after you. I won't let anything hurt you.”

Lenka looked from Shepard to the hatch and back.

Shepard looked up at Garrus and smiled. “What? You worried about Garrus? He won't hurt you.” She turned the warm smile to Lenka, easing forward slowly. “He's a big softie, and...” Shepard narrowed her eyes as if trying to decide whether to trust Lenka or not. “... can I tell you a secret?”

The child nodded, a timid smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“He's really, really ticklish.”

“Shepard...” Garrus sighed.

She laughed. “See? He doesn't like it to get out. Can you keep it a secret?”

Lenka gave Shepard a solemn nod. “It can keep secrets. It kept the Master's secrets.” She crept forward just close enough to snatch the envirosuit from Shepard's hand, retreating back to the crate. She put it on with a deft skill that made Shepard wonder if she was underestimating the child's age. Shepard passed the child the helmet and watched as she put it on and sealed it.

“May I check your suit?” She reached out to touch Lenka's arm, but the child leaped away from the contact.

“No! You mustn't touch it! It's a disgusting, filthy creature.”

Shepard took a small step forward and reached out her hand again. “No, you aren't, Lenka. You're a beautiful little girl. There's nothing disgusting about you.” She took Lenka's hand in hers. “See?”

The child frowned and pulled away again.

“Honey, please let me touch you. I won't hurt you, and I promise, I don't find anything about you disgusting. I just need to get you off this wreck and to safety.” She tried again, and this time Lenka went stiff, but didn't pull away as Shepard checked to be sure the envirosuit was done up properly.

“Thank you, Lenka.” Shepard smiled and took her hand, leading her toward the hatch.

Lenka balked, pulling back against Shepard's hand.

“What is it, Lenka? You still scared of Garrus?” Shepard turned back.

The child looked down, shifting as if feeling guilty for something.

“What is it, sweetie?”

Lenka glanced back at the crates.

“You have something you want to bring with you?'' Shepard sidled past in the narrow space and looked in the top crates. In one, there was a fairly large duffel bag. She looked over her shoulder. “Is this yours?”

Lenka shook her head. “Found things. Not mine.” She winced as if expecting to be hit. “Pretty things. I took them.”

Shepard opened the bag, finding a filthy old rag doll, boxes of crayons, clothing and a couple other toys. She smiled and closed it. “Well, we can't leave your treasures behind, can we?” Giving Lenka a wink she stepped back to the hatch and passed the duffel up to Garrus.

“Seal us in and then go up, see if you can turn the power off for James before he gets himself electrocuted. We'll be right behind you.”

Garrus nodded and closed the inside hatch.

Shepard waited until the panel showed that the outer hatch was sealed, then pressurized the space and opened the inside hatch. She crouch and held out her hands. “What do you say to getting out of here, Miss Lenka?”

The child nodded, her entire body going stiff as Shepard lifted her up through the hatch, but pressing off to the side to leave room for the admiral to follow her up.

When the pressure was equalized to the outside, she opened the hatch and climbed out. She picked Lenka up, trying to settle the rigid child onto her hip to carry her.

James trotted across the deck, shaking his hands out. “It's about time, Lola. You get lo...” He stopped in his tracks. “Wha.. who do we have here?”

Shepard smiled. “James, this is Lenka.” She chuckled as the child pressed in close, all four eyes wide and frightened. “Don't worry, he won't hurt you.”

James nodded. “Hi Lenka. Good to meet you.”

Shepard turned as Garrus walked over. “You already know the big guy, but he hasn't met you. Garrus, this is Lenka.”

“Hello, pretty eyes.” Garrus held out a hand and waited for the child to make the first move.

It took her almost a full minute to decide whether to trust him or not, but then her hand shot out, gripped his finger for a fraction of a second as she squeaked, “Hello.”

Shepard smiled and headed for the ramp. “Let's get out of here.”

“Best suggestion I've heard all day,” James agreed. His stare lingered on the child as if waiting for her to explode or something.

“James?” Shepard asked.

“Just seems sort of suspicious, don’t you think, Lola?” He shifted, obviously uncomfortable with saying anything. “How’d she stay alive all this time?”

“It was bad,” Lenka said. “It left the room, found food. It was frozen.” 

“It’s in my mind, James, but same time, I can’t just leave her here.” Shepard smiled at the child and rubbed her back. “She’ll fit in just fine, and we’ll deal with what we need to deal with, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Garrus agreed, laying a hand on Lenka’s shoulder as he passed them.

As Shepard passed the lieutenant, Lenka pressed in close against the admiral's side, her arm slipping around her neck. Shepard reached up and touched the side of the child's helmet. “No one on my crew will ever hurt you, sweetie. In fact, I think you're going to be a very popular addition.”

At the top of the ramp, Shepard stopped. “Lenka, you should close your eyes while we go through this room.”

The child shrugged. “It's seen lots of dead people before. They don't bother her. The dead ones can't hurt you.”

Shepard gave the little girl a tight-lipped smile, but the words made her want to cry. “Okay, you hang on to me. We'll get you somewhere safe and warm.” She looked back to James. “Can you clear the way a bit, LT? I'm more than ready to leave this wreck behind.”


	18. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Normandy has a new crew member

**May 14, 2187**

 

Even though they took it slow and easy to avoid putting Lenka through any more trauma than she'd already endured, the trip back to the _Normandy_ didn't take very much time at all. Lenka relaxed a little more with each passing second. It seemed to Shepard that each step across the main cargo area was accompanied by the child's arm tightening around Shepard's neck, pulling her in closer and closer. By the time they reached the _Normandy_ 's airlock, her helmet rested on Shepard's shoulder, her face turned into the admiral's neck; just a terrified child grabbing hold of whatever comfort and security she could find.

As they entered, Lenka flinched away from the decon sweep.

“It's okay, sweetie,” Shepard said in a soft whisper. “Nothing here will hurt you.”

Lenka's other arm slipped around Shepard's neck, but then she caught herself and jerked back.

“It's okay, you go right ahead and hang onto me if it makes you feel better.” Shepard smiled into the dark, beautiful, frightened eyes that stared into her. “I like it.”

They stepped through the inner hatch, and Shepard turned toward the bridge. “That's Joker and Tali. Tali is the one who found your little heat signature on that great big ship.” She looked up at her people. “Joker, Tali, I'd like you to meet Lenka.”

When they said hello, Lenka gave them a tiny squeak and buried her face in Shepard's shoulder again.

Shepard chuckled and gave the child a gentle hug. “Come on, kiddo. Let's go get you checked out.”

“I'll head to the armoury then meet you in Med Bay,” Garrus said as he took off his helmet. He gave Lenka a turian smile. “Welcome to the _Normandy_ , pretty eyes.”

The child pulled away from Shepard to look at Garrus. She frowned and leaned out, a little hand reaching out to touch his scars. “Does that hurt?”

His mandible fluttered. “Not any more.”

She gave him a thoughtful scowl and sighed. “It has scars. They still hurt sometimes.”

Garrus reached up and took her hand between his thumb and talon. “I'll see you two in a few minutes.”

“He's nice,” Lenka whispered.

Shepard boosted the child up her hip a little. “He sure is.”

They made their way to Med Bay, the trip taking a lot longer than it should have as the crew stopped them, eager to meet their newest shipmate. Lenka hid in the curve of Shepard's neck, peering out at everyone, squeaking tiny hellos when necessary.

When they finally made it as far as Med Bay, Dr. Chakwas turned in her chair and gave them both a bright smile. “Good afternoon, Admiral. Who have we got here?”

“Dr. Chakwas, this is my new friend, Lenka. She's been all alone over there on that ship for a while now, so I thought we should make sure she's okay.”

“Of course, just have a seat on the first bed.”

Lenka pulled away from Shepard, pushing hard against her armour. “No, it doesn't want to.” As soon as she said the words, she winced, ducking away as if she expected Shepard to hit her.

Instead, Shepard hugged her gently. “It's okay. Dr. Chakwas won't do anything that hurts you.” She laid her hand alongside Lenka's helmet, turning her face to look into hers. “I promised you that nothing would hurt you, right? We just need to make sure you're healthy. I'll stay right here with you.”

The child didn't reply, but let Shepard remove her helmet.

“There, now we can see that pretty face again.” Shepard brushed Lenka's cheek with a finger. She tried to lower the little batarian onto the bed, managing to at least get her butt settled on the mattress, but Lenka's arms stayed wrapped tight around Shepard's neck. The admiral just chuckled and waited her out. When Lenka's arms slid down far enough, Shepard straightened.

“Let's get you out of that envirosuit.” Shepard undid the seal flaps and zippers, then helped Lenka wriggle out of it. “Hmmm.” She sighed, looking at the rags that hung off the child's skeletal frame. “I hope the clothes in your treasure bag fit, because these are done for.”

Dr. Chakwas approached and held out her hand. “Would it be all right if I did a few scans?”

Lenka looked to Shepard, who nodded.

“It won't hurt?”

The doctor smiled. “You won't feel a thing, I promise.” She activated her omni-tool.

Lenka tucked herself in against Shepard's side. “Its Master's omni-tool made it hurt.”

Shepard put her arm around Lenka, hugging her. “No one will make you hurt like that again. Anyone tries, I'll kick their butt, okay?”

Lenka gave a nervous giggle and nodded. A timid arm slipped around Shepard's waist.

Dr. Chakwas looked up and smiled. “Other than being far too skinny, you're a perfectly healthy little girl.” She turned her omni-tool toward Shepard so that the admiral could see the screen.

Shepard winced as she looked over the scan report – seven old fractures, two ribs that had barely knit together, and more healing bruises than she could even count. She turned to Lenka and smiled. “Yep, just need to feed you up a little.”

The door opened and Garrus walked in. “How are my ladies doing?”

“We're doing just fine.” Shepard grinned.

“Do you want to go get out of your armour?” he asked.

Shepard nodded, but then Lenka wrapped both arms around her, holding her tight. She chuckled. “But it can wait.”

“You know,” Garrus said, leaning against the side of the bed, “I have hands that are pretty good for holding onto.”

Shepard nodded and winked at Lenka. “It's true. I hold them a lot.” She hugged Lenka a little closer. “Would it be okay if Garrus held your hand for a few minutes while I got all this armour off?”

Lenka gave her a panicked stare and gripped tighter still.

“Okay, it can wait.” She rubbed the child's back.

“How about if we share?” Garrus held out his hand. “Shepard can have one hand, and I get to hold the other?”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Shepard replied, giving Lenka an encouraging nod.

Garrus held out his hand, patiently waiting as Lenka waged the war between comfort and fear yet again. At last, she reached out and gripped his first finger.

“Do you need us for anything else, Doc?” Shepard asked, her back starting to cramp in her half bent over, slightly twisted position.

Dr. Chakwas nodded and passed Shepard a datapad that showed the control device wired into Lenka's head. “I need to take just a couple more scans.”

While the doctor did her work, Lenka sank lower and lower into Shepard's arms.

“Is she falling asleep?” Shepard whispered. When Garrus nodded, she sighed and shook her head. “She's worn out, poor sweet girl.”

“She's asleep,” Dr. Chakwas whispered. “I'm going to give her something to keep her asleep and get that damned torture device out of her head.”

“I don’t know.” Shepard frowned. “I’m not in love with the idea of doing something like this without her knowledge.” 

The doctor nodded. “It’s up to you, but it’s got to come out. I doubt she even knows it’s there, or that she’s going to agree to something like this as terrified as she is. If we do it now, she’ll just wake up, and it won’t be there. 

“Normally, I’d consider doing even minor surgery like this without talking to her, borderline unethical, but I can’t see another way to remove it without causing her more trauma.” Chakwas shuddered. “After what that monster has done to her, I can’t bear to put her through any more fear.”

Shepard weighed the potential traumas then gave the doctor a reluctant nod. A minute later, Shepard eased the unconscious child onto the bed. “Is it going to be any trouble to get out?”

“It shouldn't be. It's been in there for a couple of years, but it doesn't look like it's infiltrated the surrounding tissue too badly.” Dr. Chakwas rolled the child over on her belly. “I'm going to be a while, so you should take this opportunity to change and shower while you can.”

Shepard laid her hand on Lenka's back and nodded. “Can you tell how long she’s been a slave?”

Dr. Chakwas waggled her head a little. “From the age of the first breaks, I’d say a couple of years.”

“Makes sense,” Garrus said, “she wouldn’t be much use even as a household slave before four or five.”

Shepard cursed, but then let out a long sigh. “Hopefully, she still remembers what it felt like to be taken care of.” She pushed away from the bed. “Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes.”

“Take your time, Shepard.” Garrus pulled a chair over next to the bed. “I've got her.” He took Lenka's hand again. “She'll be fine.”

Backing toward the door, Shepard nodded. “Call me if you need anything.” She backed another two steps, but hesitated at the door. “Dr. Chakwas ... Karin is there anything in your scans that indicates that she was sexually abused?”

Karin turned and shook her head. “Mercifully, no. It appears that, at least, she was spared.”

Shepard nodded. “Good.” Still, she hesitated.

Garrus shook his head. “She's going to be awake before you leave at this rate.” He gave her a little nod. “Get moving. She's fine.”

Shepard turned and hit the door control, glancing back one last time before jogging to the elevator.

“Heard we have a new crew member,” Steve called as she stepped out in the shuttle bay.

“Yep. No older than six or seven.” Shepard laid her guns on the workbench. “Tiny thing. Nothing but skin and bones. Eyes that will break your heart in a second, though.” She stripped off her armour. “Dr. Chakwas is taking the wiring out of her head as we speak, so I'd better get back.” She gave his shoulder a quick thump as she trotted past.

Shepard raced through a shower, put on a clean uniform and headed back down, her hair still dripping down her neck.

“The procedure is done, Shepard,” Dr. Chakwas said as the admiral strode through the door. “It went very well. She should be awake in a half hour or so.”

“Let's get something to eat,” Garrus suggested. “We'll be right out there when she starts to wake up.”

Shepard turned to the cupboard and pulled out a blanket, spreading it over the sleeping child. “Will she be in any pain?”

“No. Maybe a slight headache, but nothing to make her fear coming in here.” Karin laid a hand on Shepard's shoulder. “She's fine. Go get something to eat, because once she wakes up, you're going to have to get very good at doing everything with one hand.”

Still, Shepard stood by the bed, her hand gently rubbing the frail little back. Garrus sighed, chuckled, and then grabbed her hand, pulling her out of the room and over to the galley. They prepared a quick meal. Shepard reheated something that looked like stew, smelled sorta like chicken soup, and had the consistency of wallpaper paste. She sat facing the Med Bay and thwacked her spoon around in her gruel as she watched the windows.

“Shepard!”

“Hmmm?” She looked up, grinning when he wiped splattered goo off his tunic. “Sorry.”

He shook his head, mandibles dropping. “Poor kid, being stuck out on that wreck all these months.” He shuddered. “I can't even imagine it.” He ate for a moment, then looked up. “Oh, I went through that bag of hers and tossed everything washable into the laundry. I'll be dry by the time we're ready to head up. There's some clothes and stuff in there, but I doubt any of it was hers. It's all pretty, girly stuff.”

“Thanks, she's going to need clothes, and is probably going to want that terrible old rag doll when she's awake.” Shepard ate a mouthful, then pulled back and looked at the spoon. “What the hell is this? It tastes like Dr. Chakwas is missing one of her experiments.”

Ensign Olson looked over. “Oh that? It's the chicken pot pie from last night.”

“Seriously?” Shepard gagged and set down her spoon. “We need cooking lessons for the crew. Honestly, that's unbearable.” She looked up at the windows again. “I doubt her time alone on that wreck has been the worst of it. Dr. Chakwas showed me her scans. Old breaks, bruises everywhere... whoever her master was, he should be very, very glad he died before I got a hold of him.” She pushed her chicken pot hell around in the bowl.

Garrus placed a box of cookies and a glass of milk in front of her. “Eat.”

She grinned and fished out a cookie, dunking it in the milk. It was soy and re-hydrated, but one got used to it after a decade or so. “This is high nutrition, right here.” She looked back to the windows, swirling the cookie around.

“You just lost half your cookie. Eat!”

Shepard ate the rest of her cookie, but her eyes kept going back to the Med Bay, watching for any sign that Lenka was waking up.

“You've fallen in love,” Garrus said, his mandibles fluttering.

“She's fallen in love?” Herros asked, walking around the partition.

“I have not!” Shepard looked from the younger to the elder Vakarian and shook her head. “I haven't.”

Garrus chuckled. “Yeah, you have. I think you were a goner before we even made it back to the _Normandy_.”

Herros sat next to Jane. “The child you found on the wreck?”

Garrus nodded. “Yeah. Shepard's fallen head over heels.”

“No! I just hate what she's had to go through. She's so young.”

“Yeah.” Garrus leaned back, cocked his head to the side and crossed his arms. “Where's she going to sleep?”

Shepard shook her head and went in for another cookie. “I don't know. If she's afraid to leave me, I guess she'll have to sleep on the couch in our quarters.”

“Uh-huh.”

She kicked him under the table. “Stop it.”

He shrugged. “Stop what?”

“Grinning like a fool on the inside.” She finished off the cookie, casting a wary eye at Herros.

He shrugged remarkably like his son. “I haven't said anything to earn that expression.”

She narrowed her eyes. “No, but I get the feeling that there's a big ol', ‘yep, she's in love’ grin going on behind that practiced mask of C-Sec inscrutability.”

“So, what comes next?” Garrus asked.

“We hope that Traynor and her team find us a way to track those signals, and then hope that they actually lead us to something. I'm also going to get Tali and a team scanning for any sort of emissions that might give us a trail. I doubt they'll have left us breadcrumbs, but pays to be thorough.”

Shepard took another mouthful of cookie, and was about to wash it down with milk when a thin, shrill scream cut through the _Normandy_ 's background hum.

Shepard bolted out of her chair and raced into the Med Bay.


	19. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected and precious gifts . . . and the occasional nightmare

**May 14, 2187**

 

The batarian child's screams sliced into both Shepard's head and her heart as she raced in the med bay door. She didn’t see Lenka or Dr. Chakwas.

“Karin?”

“We’re back here,” the doctor replied from her lab, her voice soft and soothing.

Shepard hurried back through the doors to see Lenka huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth so hard that she could hear the child’s back hitting the wall. Lenka hugged the blanket to her chest and sucked her thumb, tears streaming down her face. Wild, terrified eyes stared at Shepard as the admiral eased past the doctor and crouched down. 

"Hey there, sweetie. Easy now. Do you remember me? My name’s Shepard.” Shepard crept forward a half-metre, stopping when Lenka jerked back away from her. “Sh, easy now,” she crooned. “You're fine. I took you off your master’s ship and brought you aboard the _Normandy_. Do you remember that?" 

“Shepard?” the child gasped around her thumb between sobs.

The admiral smiled as Lenka eased out of the corner a little bit. “That’s right. Remember, I promised that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you, ever again?” She held out her hand. 

Lenka nodded and stared at the offered hand for a few moments, her breathing calming a little. “You’re real?”

Shepard nodded, glancing over at Garrus as he knelt next to her. “Do you remember Garrus?”

“He’s ticklish,” Lenka whispered, her thumb leaving her mouth. “You’re real? It’s not like when it dreams of its mother?”

Shepard let out a soft, gasping sob at that, her eyes burning with sudden tears. “Yeah, we’re real, baby, and he’s really ticklish.” She eased forward a little more, her hand still outstretched. 

Lenka eased out of the corner, her hand reaching for Shepard’s, then pulling back. 

Shepard gave her an encouraging smile and held out her arms. “That’s right, baby. Nobody’s ever going to hurt you again. I’ve got you.” 

Lenka’s fingers gripped Shepard’s, but the admiral waited, allowing the child to come all the way forward before easing her arms closed around her. Lenka stiffened as Shepard hugged her, but reached up to press her hand against the admiral’s cheek, as if affirming for herself that she wasn’t just dreaming.

Shepard hugged her gently and rubbed her back. "There we go. It's okay, just take some deep breaths."

Lenka sniffled and buried her face in Shepard's neck, her arms wrapping around the admiral in a death grip.

"You're safe," Shepard whispered.

Garrus pressed his hand against the child's heaving back. “You woke up and didn't know where you were, huh?"

Lenka just shook her head.

“Yeah,” he caressed her cheek with the back of a talon. “But, it’s okay now.”

"The big guy’s right. You’re safe." Shepard stood, and then brushed the tears from Lenka's cheeks. "Breathe easy, now. I've got you."

Lenka sniffed and nodded, her hand still pressed against Shepard's cheek. 

"You're real."

Smiling, Shepard nodded. "Yes. You aren't on that ship any more. You’re safe, sweetie." She looked up Dr. Chakwas. "Can we take her out of here, Doc?"

"Yes, you can. She's a perfectly healthy young lady."

"Thank you, Dr. Chakwas." Shepard gave Lenka a squeeze and nodded toward the doctor.

"Thank you, Dr. Chakwas," Lenka said, hiding her face in Shepard's neck again.

"You're very welcome, Lenka. Welcome to the crew."

"So, you hungry, kiddo?" Shepard asked as they returned to the galley.

Lenka came out of hiding just long enough to glance over the room, then tucked herself back in. "It eats when the Master says and not before."

"You don't have a master anymore, so you have to tell us when you're hungry okay? Otherwise we'll just keep stuffing food into you." She winked. "Come on, let's go see if there's something edible in here." She opened the fridge. "Well, I already know the beige stuff is terrible. What if we try the brown stuff?" She sniffed it. "Smells like stew, but what doesn't?" She juggled bowls and containers, managing to serve it up and put it in to reheat with only one free hand.

 

Lenka remained silent for a few minutes, but then leaned back to look Shepard in the eye. "If it doesn't have a Master any more, who will look after it?"

Shepard stopped with her hand on the cupboard. "Well, for now, Garrus and I will. Would that be okay?" She pulled out crackers and a pudding packet, ripping the latter open and adding some of the soy milk.

"You and Garrus?" She said the words as if she believed she was still dreaming.

"Sure, if you'll have us?" She smiled. "Would that be okay?"

Lenka nodded.

"Well, good, then." She passed Lenka the crackers. "You carry these, and I’ll see if I have enough hands left over to carry the rest." She stacked the rehydrating pudding on top of the warmed stew, slapped a spoon on top of the rest, then carried everything over to the table.

She settled Lenka in the second chair, only peeling her off when she sat down right beside her. Smiling up at Herros, Shepard motioned for him to join them. "Lenka, this is Garrus' father, Commandant Vakarian."

Herros's mandibles dropped. "That's pretty formal." He sat across from them. "Hello, Lenka, I'm glad to meet you. I think you need to call me something less stuffy. How about ... hmm... Papa should work."

Shepard scowled at him. "Um..."

He laughed. "Let's just say I can see where this is headed and leave it at that." He tilted his head a little.

Shepard looked away, shaking her head. "Okay, we have stew." She placed the bowl and spoon in front of the child. "Some crackers if you need to kill the taste of the stew."

Lenka reached over and touched Shepard's ring. "That's pretty."

"Thank you. Garrus gave it to me. In human culture, it is a sort of promise that we'll be a family soon."

"Garrus isn't human." Lenka stared at her food for a moment, but then picked up her spoon. Her eyes darted around as if expecting attack from everywhere, but once she tasted her dinner, she settled and started shovelling it in.

"Whoa. Easy now. It's not going anywhere." Shepard laughed, laying her hand on the child's back. "Is it good?"

Lenka nodded eagerly, but didn't pause.

Garrus placed a bowl of the brown food in front of Shepard. "Eat. Two cookies is not a meal." He sat next to his father. "You've been introduced?"

Shepard nodded. "They have."

Lenka came up for air. "That's Papa."

Shepard chuckled at Garrus' reaction and lifted an eyebrow. "Dad claims to have inside information."

"And where did this information come from?" Garrus looked back at his father.

Herros just shook his head. "You were both in that room before her first cry had time to echo. It doesn't take mystical knowledge to put this picture together." He stood. "I believe it's Tali's turn to pick the movie tonight. I'll see you three later."

"Bet you five credits it’s Fleet and Flotilla," Shepard called after him, "and that Kenneth starts his gagging marathon within the first minute."

"I like Fleet and Flotilla," he called back, "and I'll just use Kenneth as a back rest."

Lenka finished off her stew and set into the crackers like a starving wolf.

Garrus shook his head. "I think we should have stocked more food."

Shepard dug into her own bowl of slop. "Looks that way, although, I agree with her, the brown stuff is okay." She held out her hand. "May I have a few crackers please?"

Lenka nodded, placing a small stack of crackers in Shepard's hand. She smiled and then began examining the pudding packet. Shepard unfolded the top and spread it open for her. Lenka polished it off in under thirty seconds, then stared at it like she could use the power of her mind to make more appear.

"Like that, huh?" Shepard gave her a one armed hug. "We'll take some more up with us when we go. You can have it before bed." She looked up at Garrus and gave her head a slight shake. "Don't start with me, Vakarian."

He merely shrugged and looked over at Lenka. "Give your food time to actually reach your stomach. I bet in a few minutes, you'll feel stuffed." He stood and gathered up their dishes. "I'll grab her things out of the laundry."

"Thanks, hun." Shepard stood. "Well, Miss Lenka, do you want to hold my hand and walk up or ride?"

Lenka lifted her arms to be picked up.

"Understood. Ride it is." She lifted Lenka up and settled her on her hip. She grabbed a cup, another packet of pudding, then the three of them headed up.

Shepard opened the door and stepped across the threshold. "Welcome home, kiddo." She set Lenka down, and for the first time, the child didn't cling. Instead, she walked over to the fishtank, staring, enraptured, at the creatures swimming within. Shepard let out a slight sigh, glad that at least in the cabin, Lenka had something to help her feel safe. Garrus passed Shepard the child’s duffel, then slipped his arm around her waist and nuzzled her temple.

"What are these?" Lenka pressed against the glass trying to get a better angle on the jellyfish.

Garrus walked over and crouched next to her. "Those are jellyfish, and this one here is a Karshan Snapping Eel. It's from the Batarian homeworld."

Shepard left them to their discussion over whether or not Snapping Eel bites would hurt and headed down to find bedding and something for Lenka to sleep in. She grabbed the little girl's bag of treasures and sat down at the table to see what she had scavenged for herself. There was the rag doll, looking much better clean, two yellow dresses, red, black, and green sweat suits and a very fancy blue dress. Shepard chuckled at the ten boxes of untouched crayons, and digging to the bottom, she found a couple of picture books and a music box. None of it was going to work for wearing to bed.

She pulled out one of her own t-shirts to be a makeshift nightgown, then set up a bed on one side of the couch. Walking up to the fishtank, she crouched down next to Lenka.

"As much as I hate to break up the fish-watching, I think it's time for you to get cleaned up, Miss Lenka."

The child spun around, the haunted, terrified look returning to her eyes. Shepard smiled and held out her arms. Lenka practically climbed up. Letting out a small sigh, Shepard carried the child over to the chair at her desk and sat, the child held tight against her.

"How come you looked scared when I talked about getting washed?"

Lenka just shrugged.

"No one on this ship will ever do anything to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. Not ever. If anyone has hurt you in the past though, I hope someday you'll tell me about it."

Another shrug.

"Okay. For now, do you want me to turn the water on, and you have a shower by yourself? I can stand right here, outside the door." Shepard pressed her cheek against Lenka's.

"Not by myself," she whispered.

"Okay," Shepard whispered back. She stood and carried the child into the bathroom, setting her down in the shower stall. "You get out of those dirty old clothes, and I'll grab some towels." When she had all the stuff gathered, she turned back to see Lenka still standing there, fully dressed.

Shepard crouched down. "What's wrong, sweetie?" When the response was another shrug, she sighed. "You'll feel a whole lot better once we get you clean." She held up her t-shirt. "This one's my favourite. I think you'll like it."

Lenka stared at the shirt, clearly wanting that bit of Shepard for her own, but she made no move to get undressed.

"Okay, how about we start small?" Shepard caressed the child's cheek again, her heart alternating between cracking in two and swelling too large for her chest. She stood, wetting the cloth and lathering it before returning. "Can you show me your arm?"

Lenka lifted her sleeve a half inch.

Shepard chuckled and scrubbed the small patch of bare skin. "Oh no, look what we've done! We made a clean spot." She washed the child's face then rinsed the cloth and wiped the soap away. "Two clean spots!"

Lenka giggled and pulled her other sleeve up.

Shepard cleaned each spot as the little girl revealed them, forcing away the horror and rage that set her gut churning as the bruises and scars appeared. After a few minutes of the game, Lenka pulled the ragged old shirt over her hand and passed it to Shepard.

Wincing despite herself, Shepard forced herself to face the long lines of nearly faded bruises, knowing that for them to still show at all... She shook her head and gave Lenka a wink.

"Is there going to even be any little girl left when we're done, or are you all dirt?"

"All dirt." Lenka laughed.

"Then I'd better cover the drain. I don't want you to wash away." Shepard sat back on her heels and looked the situation over, shaking her head. "I don't know, Lenka. This is looking like a shower sort of situation. We've got clean spots all over the place. What do you think?"

Lenka nodded and untied the string holding her trousers up.

"Good call." Shepard stood and turned the water on. "How hot do you want it? Ice cold?"

Lenka shook her head.

"Boiled egg?"

Another shake.

"Okay, halfway in between then." She set the water. "Try that. You tell me if it needs to be hotter or colder."

Lenka stared at her for a moment as if not quite comprehending, but then she stuck her hand under the spray. "Good."

"Then get your cute little self under that shower, and let's get this thing done!" Shepard crouched down and made a big deal out of rolling up her sleeves. "Okay, I'm going in. Do you have my back?"

Lenka giggled and nodded.

Five minutes later, Shepard wrapped the child in a towel and rubbed her dry, then tugged the t-shirt over her head.

"There. Perfect. My goodness, I thought you were pretty before, but you may just be prettier now." She opened the door. "I don't know, though. You better go ask Garrus, see what he thinks."

"What are we asking Garrus?" he called from his chair down below.

Lenka trotted to the stairs, little, bare feet smacking against the deck plating. "Shepard doesn't know if it is prettier now or before it got clean."

Garrus gave a warm chuckle. "Definitely prettier now."

Lenka hopped down the stairs.

Shepard sighed and leaned against the bathroom door. "Good god, Shepard,” she whispered. Smiling, she watched them together, her future standing right before her, manifest and surreal. Her heart pounded, adrenaline and endorphins making her reel with equal parts bliss and terror. She closed her eyes, her blood pressure bottoming out, heart fluttering, knees trembling.

_"It's all positively perfect, isn't it, Shepard?"_ Balak whispered in her mind, his voice like razor blades slicing through the thin cord anchoring her to reality and sanity. Pain blossomed behind her left eye. _"Instant family. Don't even have to grow your own. Look at them down there."_ He laughed. _"You've been found guilty, Commander Shepard. Your sentence is life. The question is, how long can you fall?"_

She shoved the voice of that bastard from her head and lifted a hand to her left cheek. After a couple of breaths that smelled of frozen iron, the pain receded. He didn't get to have power over her. She wouldn't allow it.

Turning away from where Lenka peered over Garrus' shoulder trying to see what he was doing without being too obvious about it, Shepard returned to the bathroom. She threw out the ragged clothing, wiped down the surfaces and threw everything in the laundry. After taking a moment to lean against the counter, trying to ignore the ache in her side, she managed to round up her scattered wits. She poured Lenka a cup of water, picked up the pudding and headed down to join them.

"What are you reading?" Lenka asked, peering over Garrus' arm.

Shepard grinned and shook her head. Given a couple of weeks, Lenka was going to be running the ship.

"Weapon maintenance logs."

The child made a face.

Garrus sighed. "Yeah, that about says it all." He set down the datapad. "Let's see if we can find a vid that's more interesting."

Shepard sat on the end of the bed, watching them. Lenka leaned over the table, studying every move Garrus made with adorable intensity.

"Okay, I think this looks both promising and age appropriate," he said, stopping at a vid about animals going on a quest.

Shepard gave him a crooked grin and nodded. "Yeah, that looks about right."

Garrus piled the pillows against the bulkhead at the head of the bed and sat, then patted the bed. "Well, come on, my ladies."

Shepard crawled up the bed to sit next to him, leaning against his side. She held her arms out to Lenka. "Well?."

Lenka trotted over and climbed up, settling herself on Shepard's lap, but within a half hour, she was lying draped over both of them, watching the vid with rapt attention.

Shepard yawned, sighed and laid her head on Garrus' shoulder. "If we fall asleep before she does..." she chuckled.

"It's looking like there's a good chance of that." He wrapped his arm around her and held her close, nuzzling her temple.

Despite their concern, Lenka fell asleep curled up in Shepard's arms a half hour later.

"I can't move," Shepard whispered, chuckling. "All of my body parts have fallen asleep."

Garrus extricated himself and lifted Lenka from Shepard's arms. He laid her down on the couch and covered her up. "She's so tiny," he whispered, stroking her back when she roused a little.

Shepard nodded and shook out her arms, wincing as blood flow resumed. "And just covered with healing bruises. It's been months, and you can still see them."

She shimmied to the side of the bed and stood. "Ow! Ohhh ow! Pins and needles everywhere." She shook her arms and legs out, then headed for the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Shepard left the light on low next to her bed before crawling under the covers and curling into Garrus' arms. "So tired," she said and yawned.

"You're amazing with her," he said, his mouth brushing her brow.

"No doubt, you were out here laughing your ass off while I tried to get her into the shower."

He nodded and chuckled. "But you got her into the shower."

"Yeah, now to get her to stop calling herself ‘it’."

"It'll come as she starts to feel more like a little girl again."

Shepard leaned up and kissed him. "This day hasn't ended at all like I thought it would when I got up this morning."

"No, but a good day."

"Yeah." She kissed him again and laid down, her head resting against his shoulder.

"You know, I don't think I've worn anything to bed since the military."

Shepard laughed and hugged him. "Goodnight, Garrus."

"Goodnight, Shepard." He let out a long sigh and wriggled. "Too much fabric. It feels strange."

"Are you going to be bouncing around all night?"

"It's possible."

"Then keep the talons over there. They're sharp."

He moved around a bit more, trying to get comfortable.

"Better get used to it. We're going to be dressing for bed the next twenty years or so."

He sighed and grumbled half-heartedly.

______________________________________________________________

"Shepard!"

The shrill scream dragged Shepard out of a dead sleep and onto her feet before she even realized that she'd woken up.

In the dim light, she saw Lenka sitting up on the couch, screaming and crying. She hurried over and sat down, gathering the distraught child into her arms.

"It's okay, love. I've got you.”

The little batarian cried so hard that she started to gag and choke.

"Holy cow." Shepard held her tight and rubbed her back. "It's okay. Settle down a little bit. I've got you." She pulled back a little and brushed the tears from Lenka's cheeks. "Easy now." She smiled. "I've got you. You're okay. You're on the _Normandy_ with Garrus and me."

Shepard passed the child her cup of water. "Here, take a few sips and breathe slow." She helped Lenka take a drink, then set down the glass.

"What happened? Did you have a bad dream?"

Lenka nodded. "Very bad."

Shepard nodded and gave her a gentle hug. "I get bad dreams too, sometimes. Do you want to tell me about it?"

The child shook her head.

"Okay, but if you do, I'm a pretty good listener."

"There are monsters in its dreams," Lenka whispered.

Shepard kissed the top of the child's head. "Yeah, there are in my dreams too, sweetie. The monsters there can't hurt us, though. When they come after you from now on, you turn to face them and tell them that they'd better leave you alone, or I'm going to kick their butts."

Lenka smiled and snuggled in under Shepard's chin.

"Oh yeah, a hug moment. I like that." Shepard held her tight and rubbed her back. "You ready to go back to bed?"

Lenka shook her head.

"What if you climbed in with me and the big guy?"

"I don't know," Garrus grumbled. "She's pretty huge, and she looks like a blanket hog."

Shepard pulled back and looked into Lenka's eyes. "You going to let him get away with that?" She eased the child down off her lap. "You better get over there and prove him wrong."

Lenka clung to Shepard, pressing in tight.

"Probably has ice-cold feet too. A giant blanket hog with freezing cold feet."

Lenka giggled, glanced at Shepard then walked over to the end of the bed. "It's not huge, and it has warm feet."

Shepard returned to the bed and laid down, facing Garrus, holding back the covers. "Well, come on then. Get your adorable, warm-footed self in here."

Lenka climbed in, burrowing tight in against Shepard, who hugged her close and held her hand, their fingers laced together. Within moments, they were all back asleep.

Two more times during the night, Lenka woke them, crying out in her dreams. Each time, Shepard held her, got her a drink, took her to the bathroom, and then cuddled back in bed with her.

In Shepard's dreams, she stood on the Crucible, frozen, eyes dull, jaw slack. Balak paced around her in circles, laughing.


	20. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, yeah. We're sitting in the middle of a big-ass trap.

**May 15, 2187**

 

“Kill that thing,” Garrus grumbled as the alarm began trilling at them to get up.

Shepard groaned and stretched a little. “I can't. It's on your side of the bed.” She stroked a gentle hand down Lenka's warm, skinny back. The child just smacked her lips a little and burrowed in tighter, nuzzling her face into Shepard's neck.

Garrus flopped over on his back, his large, long-fingered hand smacking the table at random until he finally hit the alarm and turned it off. “It can't be morning.” He turned over, looking at her through half-open eyes. “Didn't we just go to sleep?”

Shepard yawned and nodded. “I vote we declare this an excellent reason to take today off and sleep for ever or, you know, until noon.”

Garrus leaned up on his elbow and reached over to brush Shepard's sleep-tousled hair off her face. He caressed her cheek. “How do you feel?”

She smiled, a genuine peaceful smile. “Okay. Tired as hell, but good.” She rubbed Lenka's back again. “Hey there, sleepyhead.”

The child stretched and opened her eyes, yawning wide then digging the heels of her hands into her lower eyes. She stared at Shepard for a moment, then scrambled up onto her knees, still staring, her mouth agape.

“It still sees you. It's awake, and it still sees you.” She looked over at Garrus, reaching out to touch his nose with a tiny hand. He winked and snapped as if to chomp on her fingers, making her giggle.

Shepard forced herself up off the mattress to sit cross-legged and held out her arms. “That's because we're really here, and so are you, baby.”

Lenka grinned and crawled into her lap, wrapping her arms around Shepard's neck.

Shepard hugged her tight and flopped back onto the mattress. “I don't want to get out of bed.”

Lenka released Shepard and lay on her back between them. “What are we going to do today?”

Shepard shrugged. “Finish getting you settled in, probably. See about finding the people who attacked your convoy...”

“James mentioned something to me last night,” Garrus said. “You should talk to him about it when you get a moment alone.” He chuckled. “Providing you get a moment alone.”

Shepard nodded. “Okay.” She reached over and cuffed his shoulder. “Get your lazy butt out of bed, Vakarian.”

He sighed, but then lifted himself onto his elbow, leaning over Lenka to kiss Shepard, chuckling as the child giggled and covered her eyes.

Shepard kissed him back, then swung out of bed, scooping the little batarian up under one arm. “What are we going to do with you, Miss Lenka?”

Lenka wriggled and laughed from her inverted position. “Put it down!”

Shepard bent over to look into the child's eyes, then laughed and ran up the stairs. “Nope, I don't think so.” She tickled behind Lenka's knee, then set her down outside the bathroom. “Go on then, let's get this day started.”

When Lenka came out of the bathroom, Shepard laid out the different outfits the child had lifted from the luggage of the dead. Thinking about the child living in that box with the frozen, depressurized corpses for so long horrified her, but not nearly as much as how casually she had reacted. How horrific did a child's life have to be for her to find a ship full of the dead safe? They decided on one of the sweat suits. It was a little big, but without many shopping options between them and Earth, finickiness was a luxury they didn't have.

After they were all dressed, Shepard sat Lenka on her knee and picked up the rag doll. “Why did you pick this up, sweetie? Have you ever had a doll?”

Lenka shook her head. “It saw some of the little girls on the ship holding them.” She ducked her face into Shepard's chest, as if she expected to get in trouble for taking the toy.

Shepard smiled. “A lot of children have dolls or other toys that they keep like friends. A very special friend they can tell anything to. When I was a girl, I had a stuffed horse named Morgan. He was a great friend. I still have him somewhere, or I did before the war.” She hugged Lenka. “Why don't you spend some time with this new friend and see if she has a name.”

Lenka took the doll from Shepard. “She's funny-looking.”

Shepard chuckled. “Yeah, but there are a lot of amazing funny-looking friends out there. I mean, look at the big guy.”

Lenka looked over at Garrus, who was working at the computer, then shook her head. “It doesn't think Garrus is funny-looking.”

Shepard grinned and stood, lifting the child in her arms. She pressed closed to Lenka's ear and whispered, “Me neither. I think he's lovely, just don't tell him that.”

“Come on, Vakarian. Let's go get some breakfast.”

When they arrived in the mess, Kaidan and James were sitting at the table. Lenka buried her face in Shepard's neck, but came out to peek at everyone, and when Garrus sat down, she willingly sat on his lap while Shepard got her breakfast ready. Shepard felt the child's eyes on her the whole time as if she were afraid that the admiral would just disappear.

Shepard took Garrus's chair when she had two bowls of porridge ready, settling Lenka to eat on her lap as more crew appeared. Lenka hid as the noise level went up, her oatmeal sitting untouched. Then Kaidan, sitting in the seat next to Shepard, started doing magic tricks. He didn't say anything to the little girl, just started making his spoon vanish and reappear in strange places. After the spoon appeared in her own oatmeal, Lenka turned her full attention to figuring out how he did it.

Shepard watched Vega out of the corner of her eye. He studied Lenka with a haunted look that told her more about what had happened to him on Fehl Prime than he ever had. She'd wondered about his stiffness the day before when their survivor turned out to be a child. Nodding to herself, she decided prying was always an option.

Shepard gave Kaidan a grateful smile, then rubbed the child's back. “How about you eat your breakfast. I can introduce you to Sophie when you're done.”

Lenka nodded and started to eat. “Who's Sophie?” she asked between mouthfuls.

Shepard smiled. “It's a surprise, but I think you'll like her.”

After Lenka finished her breakfast, Shepard took her down to the cargo bay to meet the strange little robot dog.

“What is it?” Lenka asked, pressing in as tightly into Shepard's crouching form as she could manage. Every time Steve or the other soldiers in the bay moved, Lenka jumped.

“It's supposed to be a companion. Something to keep you company.” Shepard tried to make it convincing, but she'd never been able to see the point to the strange little robot. “I think it fetches if you press a control.” She peered at the controls, finally activating one that looked right.

“Steve!” she called. “You know what this thing fetches?”

He tossed a rubber stick to her. “I think this is it's toy.” He shrugged. “I never had a dog. I’m not sure one of those would count, even if I had.”

Shepard held the toy in front of the dog, then tossed it a few feet. Sure enough, it wriggled off after it, picked it up and brought it back. She chuckled and took the toy back.

“Do you want to throw it?” she asked Lenka.

The child nodded, so Shepard handed her the toy.

“Show it to her, then give it a good toss.”

The child did as she was told, giggling as the little robot trotted after it. After a couple of throws, Lenka left Shepard's side, chasing after the dog. Shepard followed them, caught it, and set it to play tag as well, then crouched there for a few minutes, watching the pair chase one another around.

“What do you know?” she said out loud. “Damned thing does have a use after all.”

“I thought about getting rid of it during the retrofits,” Steve said, shaking his head. “Then I just turned the stupid thing on and set it loose. Seemed weird down here without it wandering around, I guess.” He shrugged. “Glad I didn't recycle it now.”

Shepard watched the pair for another minute before standing. “Lenka, I'm going to be over with James, okay?”

“Okay, Shepard,” she called back, giggling and waving the toy in front of the robot's face, squealing a little when it leaped after the lump of rubber.

Shepard walked over. “Hey, James. Garrus said you wanted to talk to me about something?”

The big man stopped working on the rifle and looked up at her. “Yeah, boss.” He hesitated, shifting uncomfortably. “I know we've got to get after the raiders, but after going through that ship yesterday... I was thinking, maybe we should put those folks to rest first.”

Shepard looked into his eyes, nodding slowly. “Fehl Prime . . . there were some special people there, yeah?”

He sighed and stiffened, leaning back, his arms crossing over his chest, becoming a wall of defensiveness. “I thought I made it clear I didn't want to talk about that, Lola.”

She nodded. “Yeah, you did.” She leaned back on her hip. “But while you were watching Lenka this morning, I saw a ghost haunting you. What was her name?”

His eyes narrowed, and for a moment she expected him to tell her to go to hell, but then he shook his head, his shoulders falling. “April. She was a good kid, and I left her to die afraid, screaming for me to help her.”

Shepard nodded, but didn't say anything. What could she say?

He looked over at Lenka, watching her play with the robot. “Thought I had it all filed, but having the kid here brought it back.”

Shepard smiled. “She's a sweet kid. Hate what she's been through.” She sighed and nodded. “Okay, we don't have a direction to search anyway. We'll take care of these folks and salvage what we can from the ship today. I will leave that effort in your hands, and make both details volunteer only.” She tilted her head and blinked slowly. “I don't think you'll have any trouble finding volunteers though. I would, but I don't want to take her back over there.”

Lenka came running up, the dog trotting behind her. She wrapped her arms around Shepard and smiled up at James. “Hi, James.”

He chuckled. “Hey kid, how's it going?”

Shepard laughed when Lenka just looked confused. “He's asking how you are.”

Lenka reached out and squeezed the marine's hand. “It's fine, thank you. Sophie is fun.”

“I need to go get some work done, sweetie. You coming with, or do you want to stay and play? I'm sure Steve or James would bring you to find me when you're done.” Shepard crouched down and took Lenka's hand.

The child hesitated, but then pressed in against Shepard. “Go with you.”

Shepard chuckled. “Okay. Up to engineering it is, then. You walking or riding?”

Lenka put up her arms, so Shepard lifted her and settled her on her hip. “Okay sweetie, let's see what trouble we can get into in engineering.”

“Bye, James,” Lenka called back.

The marine gave her a crooked smile and nodded. “See you later, kid.”

 

The _Normandy_ emptied in a hurry once Shepard made the announcement that the crew could help lay the dead refugees to rest. As much as stripping the ship felt like desecrating a graveyard, Shepard pushed her emotional reactions aside. Living people on Earth needed those supplies; the dead didn't.

She spent the day going over reports and trying to decipher the data Traynor gave her on the wormhole problem. It was hard slogging, but in the end, she agreed with the specialist's assessment. It looked like a communications network.

“Hey, Admiral?” James' voice broke through her concentration a couple hours later.

“Yes? What's going on, James?” She leaned back, closed her eyes and ground the heels of her hands into them, then stretched.

“We found the body of a raider amidst the other bodies. Looks like a bunch of the folks jumped on him when they boarded. Liara's bringing him back to Med Bay.”

“Excellent. Maybe we caught a break. Shepard out.” She pushed herself out of her chair and walked down to where Lenka lay sprawled across the bed, playing with her doll. Sitting on the edge, she laid her hand on the child's back. “Hey, I have to go down to med bay for a while. Is it okay if I get Papa to come up and play with you while I'm gone?”

Lenka jumped up and grabbed Shepard around the neck. “You said you wouldn't leave it.”

“Oh little one, I'm just going downstairs a deck. If you want, Papa can bring you down to the door, I just can't take you in with me, and I have to go.”

“No!” Lenka began to cry.

“Okay, I've promised I'm not going to leave you or let you get hurt, right?” She pulled the child's arms away from her neck. “And I won't. I can't take you in there. I need you to listen to me. You're not a slave anymore, but sometimes I'm going to tell you to do something, and you're going to have to do it. Not because I'm your master, but because I know what's best for you. Coming with me right now isn’t what's best for you, sweetie.”

Lenka nodded and pulled away. She scooted off the bed and walked over to sit on the floor by the couch.

“Thank you.” Shepard opened a channel and called Garrus' father, asking if he'd mind watching Lenka. When he arrived, she looked over at where Lenka still crouched, pouting.

“She's ticked right now. If she gets scared, you can bring her down to the med bay door, but not inside.” Shepard walked up to the door, lowering her voice to a whisper so that Lenka wouldn’t overhear. “I don't care how much she's seen before now . . . from now on, she's a little girl who doesn't watch people take apart dead raiders.” She smiled and laid her hand on his arm. “Thanks for this, Dad.” She blew the glaring child a kiss and headed out to the elevator.

Shepard hit the elevator control, guilt tugging at her. She chuckled and shook her head. “Damn you for being right, Garrus,” she whispered.

She walked into med bay to find Liara and Tali already there.

“His omni-tool is in bad shape, but I should be able to find something,” Tali said, taking the device. “I'll let you know as soon as I find anything.

Liara rifled through the pockets in the batarian's uniform, pulling out a holo of his family, ration bars, and some washers of random sizes.

Shepard watched the normal detritus of life pile up on the corpse's stomach with an odd sort of sadness. He was just a man, in the end. They all were. She shook it off. This man had helped slaughter hundreds of innocent children, mothers and fathers. “Regrow the backbone, Shepard,” she growled to herself.

Liara turned to look at her, her delicate brow markings lifting, but Shepard just shrugged away the silent question. Her crew had long ago learned to ignore her muttering to herself, so Liara just nodded and waved Shepard over.

“Help roll him over, please?”

“Sure.” Shepard helped roll him over onto his stomach then looked over at the doctor. “How did he die, Doc?”

“Beaten to death. The decompression and freezing can't mask the deep tissue damage and broken bones. It looks like the raiders sent a boarding party over.”

Shepard shook her head. “Where was he found?”

“In the main cargo hold,” Liara answered.

“Then he can't have been beaten to death because Commandant Vakarian's report says that the raider fighters attacked the transport, blew out the cargo hold. Unless he was in that room that blew out when we opened the door. It was still sealed.” Shepard shrugged.

“Oh, now here's something.” Liara pulled an OSD from the raider's back pocket. She passed it to Shepard.

Shepard looked at it, turning it over in her hand. “Something's off here.” She opened a comm channel. “James?”

“Yeah, Lola?”

“You about wrapped up over there?”

“Yep. Got all the salvage aboard, and the thrusters are just about ready. You in a hurry?”

Shepard chuckled. “Oh, yeah. We're sitting in the middle of a big-ass trap.”


	21. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Springing the trap.

**May 15, 2187**

 

“A trap?” James asked.

“Yeah.” Shepard held the OSD up for Liara to see the back. “Can you think of another name for finding a dead guy with an OSD in his pocket addressed to me?”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, let's get this wrapped up as quickly as possible. Can you send Garrus back over, please?”

“On it, Lola.”

Shepard stared at the dead batarian lying on the table, feeling the walls of the Med Bay closing in on her. “Dammit.”

Liara finished searching the body, then gathered up all his belongings for further examination. She held out her hand for the OSD. “I'll check it over carefully, then call you when I'm ready to look at it.”

The Med Bay door opened. Shepard turned to see who was there, then smiled. Lenka stood in the doorway, tears streaming down her face. The admiral walked over and crouched down, staring into the heartbreaking, sad face.

“What's going on, sweetie? Did you get scared?”

Lenka shook her head and gripped Herros' hand closer. “I'm sorry, Shepard.”

Shepard picked her up. “What for?” She looked up at Herros. “Could use you, Dad, if you've got a few minutes.”

He nodded and walked beside her as she headed for the elevator.

“So, what are you sorry for?” Shepard asked again as they stepped inside and the doors closed.

“For getting angry.” Slow tears rolled over the little batarian's cheeks from all four eyes. “I'll try to be better.”

Shepard hugged her tight and rubbed her back. “We all get angry sometimes, but thank you for apologizing.” She kissed just above the child's ear, just a fast peck. “Guess what?”

Lenka wiped her face on her sleeve. “What?” A tiny smile broke through the clouds.

“I luv yah.” Shepard gave her another quick peck. “Even when you get mad.”

Lenka giggled and gave Shepard a peck on the cheek back. “I luv yah.”

Shepard looked up at Herros as the elevator door opened. “Not one word, Dad.”

He shrugged, but his mandibles fluttered hard as he smiled. “What could I possibly have to say?”

“Yeah, right.” She glared at him, then stepped out into the CIC, heading for the war room. Traynor was already there, working at one of the consoles.

“How's it going, Specialist?” Shepard asked.

“I've narrowed down the origin to a handful of systems.” The specialist grumbled to herself. “It's gravitational soup out there, but I'll beat it.” She looked up at the holographic representation of her analysis. “Damn.” 

Shepard walked around to her old war asset terminal and set Lenka down. She pointed over to the stairs to the QEC comm room. “Can you sit up there and play with your doll for a few minutes?”

Lenka smiled and gave two enthusiastic nods.

“Good girl.” Shepard caught her hand before she moved. “Have you named your doll, yet?”

Lenka ducked her head and turned away a little. “Her name is Jane.”

Shepard chuckled. “That's a pretty good name.” She shook the doll's little, floppy hand. “Pleased to meet you, Jane. My name is Jane too.” She ran her hand down the back of Lenka's head. “Okay, you and Jane go play while we do boring stuff over here.”

Garrus walked in as Shepard stood. Lenka detoured to run over to him, freezing halfway and turning back to look at Shepard, her face full of fear.

Shepard just smiled and nodded. “Go ahead, sweetie.” God, she hated the batarians sometimes. “Batarian slavers,” she muttered to herself. “You hate batarian slavers.”

She sighed as Lenka trotted over to Garrus, holding up her little arms. Shepard blinked back the burning in her eyes as Garrus swung the child up over his head, making her squeal with laughter. He settled her in against his hip, they spoke for a moment, then Lenka kissed him, and he set her down.

“It's a beautiful dream,” Shepard whispered. She gave Lenka a smile and a wink as the little girl settled herself on the stairs and started talking to the doll.

Garrus strode around the projector. “What's going on?”

“The dead man had an OSD in his pocket with my name on it.” She shook her head. “It's impossible, isn't it, Garrus? They couldn't even know that I'd survive the battle, survive my injuries, end up out here...”

He nodded. “If Traynor is right, they've been communicating for days. They could have planted the body and the disk before we arrived.”

“Which means one of two things.” She sighed. “They can see us even with the stealth systems running, or we have someone or something on board reporting to them.” Her hand reached up to rub the spot on the back of her head. “Damn.”

Shepard turned to Herros. “Their ERC network transmissions didn't register on your scanners, but was there any sign that you were being tracked? Any hint that they were planning on hitting the convoy?”

He leaned back, cocking a hip and crossing his arms. “We registered several ship to ship communications, but didn't pay them any attention. We thought it was people talking between convoy ships. It could have been someone updating the raiders on our progress.”

“How did they hit you?” Shepard leaned her hip against the console.

He let out a grumbling sigh. “Two ships reported engine malfunctions. We dropped out of FTL to make repairs. The raiders came out of FTL within weapons range, ten fighters and a cruiser. The fighters targeted the ships in the convoy that had weapons, pulling them away from the main group. I ordered them back into formation, but before they returned, the cruiser destroyed the one transport, and boarded the two that had reported engine problems. Our weapons capable ships took out four fighters, and we had done damage to the cruiser when they jumped back out, taking the two transports. We reeled in life pods and jumped out.”

Herros shook his head, his mandibles dropping. “It didn’t register at the time, but the precision with which they came out of FTL... they had to know our exact location.” He cursed himself under his breath for not seeing it.

“You had thirty-eight ships full of people to get out safely. Your plate was full.” Shepard nodded. “But, it's a decent bet that those two transports were your wolves in sheep's clothing.” She sighed and puzzled it through. It looked altogether too slick to be random raiders, especially given the OSD. What the hell was going on?

Liara walked in the far side of the room, glanced around, then spotted Shepard and trotted down the stairs, weaving between people to reach her. “Shepard, I scrubbed the OSD and didn't find any malware. There's almost no data on it, though.”

Shepard nodded and turned to the computer terminal. “Let's see what's on it.” She found herself holding her breath. With dreams came nightmares. All too many nightmares for her liking.

The vid screen activated showing brilliant orange and red bursts of light against a field of mottled white and grey. A speck of orange bloomed in the center of the screen, growing larger, then becoming a streak, like a comet descending into the atmosphere. Shepard clenched her jaw as the camera view pulled back, showing pieces of burning ship and the frozen arc of a planet's surface.

Garrus must have realized what they were looking at, because he pressed his hand against the small of her back.

“Hard to know when you stop falling, isn't it, Shepard?” Shepard shuddered, knowing the gravelly voice all too well -- Balak. “What death is true death? Did you come back after Alchera?”

“Ka'hiral Balak.” Liara activated her omnitool.

“That terrorist bastard.”

Shepard glanced at Garrus, then turned back to the vid screen, watching herself burn up as she entered the planet's atmosphere.

“Are you just a ghost of your former self, living inside a reanimated shell? How did you survive the Crucible when all the other Reaper tech was destroyed? Or did you?” Balak laughed. “Maybe you're still standing there, blank cow eyes staring out over the battle, unseeing, while everyone you love dies.” More laughter. “You've been found guilty, Shepard. Your sentence is life.”

Shepard hit the control to shut it off as the message ended. “That's the same thing he said to me just before the bomb in the elevator during my tribunal. Same thing the doctor said when he was messing with my head.” She looked up into Garrus' face, but his stare remained on the spot where her death had played out moments before.

“How did he get that footage?” Liara asked. “There isn't a single copy anywhere. I know, because I searched all legal avenues and a lot of illegal ones when I was trying to find you. I thought it might help track where you landed.”

“Well, we know the _Normandy_ didn't record it,” Shepard said. “Only one other option. Somehow he got it from the Collectors.” She shook her head. “What the hell is his point? Why keep going on about being sentenced to life. He's insane.”

James entered, trotted down the three stairs, and strode over. “Everything's set, Lola. We can send her on her way whenever you're ready.”

“Thanks James. I'll let you know.” Shepard began rolling the entire mess around in her brain even before James walked away.

He took a couple of steps. “We found some stuff that we thought might be good for the kid. It's in a crate outside your quarters.”

She gave him a quick smile. “Thanks, LT. Appreciate it.”

“The bastard's messing with your head, Shepard,” Garrus said. He turned away from the monitor. “You know that.” He pressed a large hand on her shoulder, as if trying to demonstrate how solid and real she was.

“Yeah. He can only mess with me if I allow him to.” She hit the comm button on her computer terminal. “All hands, maximum battle readiness. This is not a drill. Maximum battle readiness.”

“What are you doing, Shepard?” Liara asked. “If this is a trap...”

“Maybe the only way to find the people behind the trap is to let them spring it.” Shepard nodded, confirming the plan in her head. “Let them spring it here. We've got an ace up our sleeve.” She opened a channel again. “James, I've got an idea. Meet me at your station in twenty.”

“Roger that, Lola. In twenty.”

She opened a channel to Tali and asked her to meet her in the shuttle bay as well.

Shepard looked to Garrus. “Oversee battle readiness protocols.” He nodded, touched her arm and headed out.

“I brought OSD's with all the data and transmissions we collected during the trip,” Herros said. “At the time, I was concerned with getting my people through in one piece before they all starved on the ships. I'll go back over it all and send you everything that seems even remotely relevant.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Shepard turned to face the projector, leaning on the console and stared at Traynor's gravitational eddies and computations without really seeing them. She looked up as Herros reached the door. “Dad?”

He stopped and looked back.

“If you have them, I'd like passenger manifests on those two ships.”

“Will do.” He nodded and hit the door.

Shepard pushed herself upright. Balak. It was too much to ask, she supposed, for him to have been killed in the war. How could he have come through with these sorts of resources, though? The Reapers all but wiped out the Batarians, but now a single batarian terrorist not only survived, but seemed to possess resources to make TPR a force to be reckoned with. How the hell had he managed that?

“Liara, see if you can dig up anything on Balak's financials.”

The asari nodded. “You know that's going to be next to impossible, Shepard.”

“Oh yeah, I know, but if we don't look, we won't know.”

Liara headed for the door. “Understood.”

Shepard turned to Lenka and held out her hand. “You coming, sweetie?” She smiled as the little girl came trotting over to her and took her hand. “We're in maximum battle readiness, so we have to get you into your environment suit.”

Lenka held up her arms to be picked up. “Are the bad people coming back?”

“They could, so we just want to be ready if they do. That means your envirosuit, but you don't have to wear your helmet. Just make sure it's with you, okay?”

Lenka gave her two earnest nods and a peck on the cheek. “I luv yah.”

Shepard pecked her back. “I luv yah right back. Okay, let's go meet with Tali and James then get you in a suit.”

In the shuttle bay, Shepard set Lenka down to play with Sophie, the pair only having a narrow aisle between massive cliffs of crates. James was securing the crates of salvage from the transport to the new rack system that filled almost the entire shuttle bay but for the armory.

“Hey Lola. What's up?” he asked as she walked up behind him.

“I'll let you know when Tali gets here.” The elevator opened and Tali stepped out, hurrying over. “And here she is. Okay, I need that freighter to explode with enough force to disable a cruiser. Can we manage that?”

James gave her a crooked smile. “Give those folks a taste of vengeance, Lola?”

Shepard twitched her eyebrow and lifted the corner of their mouth. “Seems fitting, no?” She looked to Tali. “You can give him a hand with that?”

“I'll grab Ken, and we'll have it ready to go in a couple of hours.” Tali looked to James. “You can come up with some explosives for us?”

“All over it. Just let me know how much and where, Sparks.”

“Let me know when you're done. Unless things go south, we'll say a few words at that time to commit their bodies to the deep.” Shepard gave a decisive nod and turned away to put her armour on.

When she had her armour on, she crouched, watching Lenka and the robot dog running around. “Come on, kiddo. Let's go get you suited up.” She sat Lenka up on the workbench on the left side of the armoury and helped her into her suit. It was hard to believe that just over twenty-four hours earlier, Lenka wouldn’t let Shepard touch her. 

She picked up both their helmets. “All right, let's go talk to Joker. Then maybe some supper? What do you think?”

“It's getting hungry,” Lenka agreed. The child frowned. “Joker is angry.”

Shepard nodded and walked over to the elevator, hitting the control. “Yeah, but he's not angry at you, kiddo. Don't worry. And he's really more sad than angry.”

“How come he's sad?” Lenka turned on that serious, grown up scowl that made Shepard want to laugh and cry at the same time.

“Someone he loved died.”

Lenka looked thoughtful for a second. “Maybe he needs a hug moment.”

As they stepped out into the CIC, Shepard boosted Lenka higher up on her hip, and chuckled. “Maybe he does, sweetie. Maybe he does.”

As Shepard strode up the port side, she casually glanced over the preparations, pleased to see that the crew were armoured and had their stations secured.

“Joker.” Shepard stepped through the door onto the bridge, staying behind his chair. “Tali and James are rigging the transport to blow. From what Commandant Vakarian just told me, we're going to be outnumbered when the raiders attack. I want to keep the _Normandy_ parked at the transport, make it look like we're still salvaging.”

“Using me as bait again, essentially,” Joker replied.

“Essentially.” Shepard turned to walk back out the door.

“I'll get us clear before we get blown to hell,” Joker said, his tone softening a little.

Shepard gave him a tight smile. “Never occurred to me that you wouldn't.” She stopped when Lenka pushed away from her, wriggling to get down.

“You want down, I take it?” she asked.

“Yes please, Shepard.”

The admiral lowered her to the floor. “There you go.”

Lenka walked over and tapped Joker on the arm.

The pilot swung his chair around. “What's up, kid?”

Lenka climbed up onto his chair, and wrapped her arms around his neck. “When it's sad, Shepard gives it a hug moment. Don't be sad any more.”

Joker froze, his arms sticking out comically for a moment, then he gave her a couple of tentative pats on the back. “Ah, yeah... thanks kid.”

Lenka pulled back and smiled at him, then climbed down, returning to take Shepard's hand. “Bye Joker.”

The irascible pilot gave her a crooked smile. “Yeah, sure. See yah, kid.”

Shepard picked Lenka up and hugged her. “How about we call the big guy and meet up to get some supper, huh?”

Lenka gave her a happy nod.

As she strode toward the elevator, Shepard called Garrus, who said he'd bring food up to the cabin when he finished in the Main Battery.

When Shepard arrived in their quarters, her computer was blinking. She set Lenka down and headed over. Herros had sent the manifests of all three ships. She transferred them to a datapad.

Mordin chirped at her, squeaking as he stood up against the glass.

“What's it doing?” Lenka asked, climbing up on Shepard's chair to get a better look at the hamster.

“He's hungry.” Shepard reached in and took out the food and water dishes. “Do you want to fill his food bowl while I get him some clean water?”

A few minutes later, Shepard left the child talking away to both the doll and the hamster, taking some old papers off her desk and the datapad down to the coffee table.

Shepard set down the stack of paper and sat on the floor next to the table. “Lenka? Sweetie? Come here for a second. I want to show you something.”

Lenka turned away from her conversation with Mordin and climbed down off the chair. She jumped down the stairs one at a time and trotted over to Shepard's side. “What are you doing, Shepard?”

Holding out her arm, Shepard welcomed the child to sit on her lap. She held out the crayons that Lenka had hoarded in her duffel. “Do you know what these are?”

The child shook her head. “It thought they were pretty.”

“They are, but they're used for making pictures. Here, I'll show you.” Shepard opened the box and pulled out a few colours, then drew a simple landscape. “See?”

Lenka frowned. “But then they will be ruined.”

“We have lots of them here, and it's just trading one kind of pretty for another. You use the crayons, but then you have pictures.” She held out the crayon. “You want to give it a try?” She placed a new sheet of paper in front of the child.

“What would it make?” Lenka asked, picking up a crayon.

“Anything you like.” Shepard rooted through the box until she found a brown one. “I'm going to add Mordin to my picture.” She drew a furry looking ball with stick legs. “There.”

“That doesn't look like Mordin.” Lenka laughed. “He looks like this.” She put the crayon to paper, her face scowling with concentration as she worked.

Shepard smiled and ran a hand over the back of the child's head and down her back. “I'm sure you'll do a much better job.” She just watched Lenka work, sorting through the torrent of emotions flooding her, her heart pounding hard in her chest. How had she become so attached to someone in such a short time? It seemed impossible, but ...

Balak's laugh cut through the rest like a jagged knife. _“Hard to know when you stop falling, isn't it, Shepard?”_

“I decide when I stop falling, you bastard,” she said, snarling softly.

“Shepard?” Lenka turned to look at her, then reached out to touch Shepard's cheek. “You look sad.”

“No, baby, I'm fine.” She leaned forward and kissed Lenka's temple. “I'm fine.” Looking past the child to the table, she asked, “How's the drawing going?”

“It's making him furry. Yours isn't furry.”

Shepard smiled. “No, he sure isn't. More like a brown ball with twigs sticking out of it.”

The door opened and Garrus walked in, carrying three trays. He stopped at the top of the stairs. “What are my ladies doing?”

“Shepard showed it how to use the colour sticks to make pictures,” Lenka said, her voice high and excited. She wiggled off Shepard's lap and ran up to stand at the bottom of the steps. “Can it help, Garrus?”

“Sure.” He passed her the top tray. “You got it?”

Lenka nodded. “It served meals for its Master. It hardly ever dropped or spilled.” She carried the tray over to the table and set it down.

Shepard pulled the child back into her arms, holding her tight.

“Do you need a hug moment, Shepard?” the child asked, turning to wrap her arms around the admiral's neck.

“I sure do. Mmmm. So much better.” She closed her eyes, smiling as Garrus passed behind her and stroked his talons through her hair. Sighing, she released the child and looked over at the table. “So, what have we got here?”

“Unidentifiable substances of many colours,” Garrus answered. He sat across from her and passed out the trays. “And pudding, of course.” His mandibles fluttered.

Shepard gave him an appreciative smile. “Of course.”

Shepard and Garrus brought one another up to date on preparations for the batarians to spring their trap while they ate, then Shepard piled their trays and dishes in the middle of the table.

“Enough of that for now,” she sighed. “I am going to work on my picture.” She nuzzled Lenka's cheek. “How's Mordin coming along?”

The child plunked down on Shepard's knee and took up her crayon. “It's a secret.”

Garrus chuckled. “Top secret hamster drawings, huh?” He picked up a couple pieces of paper and sorted through the crayons looking for the ones he wanted. “I think I can manage a top secret art project of my own.”

Shepard sat back a little, watching them, then picked up the datapad to check through the passenger lists of the transports. Of the 832 people on the three ships, nearly 300 died on the blown out transport, and another 274 were rescued in life pods from the other two. That left a lot of missing people. Something began to niggle at her while she read through. The missing... she couldn't be certain, but the names seemed to be batarian. “Wolves in sheep's clothing indeed,” she muttered. “We're looking for a base.”

Lenka turned to scowl at her. “It thought you were going to work on your picture?”

Shepard chuckled and set down the datapad. “Okay, okay.” Shepard craned her head to see over the dinner dishes. “Garrus, what are you drawing?”

“You can see when I'm finished.” He gave her a turian smile and a cocky tilt of the head as he blocked his work from view.

Shepard wrapped her arm around Lenka and pulled her over into her lap. “Sneak up the stairs and see...”

Garrus shook his head and moved down to the corner of the couch. “Convincing an innocent child to do your dirty work.” He sighed. “Do you have no shame?”

“Rats, his hearing is way too good,” Shepard whispered, then kissed Lenka's cheek. “Hmm... tasty child.” She piled on the kisses, making nom nom noises. “I love a tasty child.”

“Help me!” Lenka pleaded, squirming around in Shepard's arms until she could reach for Garrus.

Garrus got up and took Lenka's hand, moving over next to them, but when he crouched by her side, he just started nuzzling the other side of her face. “You're right, Shepard. This is first rate tasty child.”

Lenka squealed and wriggled, her giggles loud enough that they could probably hear them down in the shuttle bay. 

“Shepard!” Joker's voice cut through Lenka's laughter. “We have a problem on the bridge that needs your immediate attention.”

“Dammit, Joker... I was in the middle of torturing a small child.” She lifted Lenka to her feet and let her go.

“Seven ships incoming.”


	22. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Outnumbered, but when aren't they?

**May 15, 2187**

 

Shepard jumped up. “On my way.” She glanced over at Garrus. “Take her to Dad, and then get geared up.”

Garrus already held Lenka in his arms. Shepard kissed the child's cheek then helped her put her helmet on. The three of them hurried to the elevator.

“Shepard?” Lenka called as they parted ways in the CIC.

“It's okay, hun. You stick with Papa for now. I'll be back in a few minutes.” She winked and set out double time for the bridge. Her heart thumped hard in her chest as she made her way up the center of the ship. After months of wondering, she’d finally know if Commander Shepard had survived the Crucible, purgatory, and being turned into a stuffed shirt.

“What's going on, Joker?”

“A batarian cruiser and a half dozen fighters closing fast on our position. Looks like your idea to use me as bait again is working.” Despite the flippancy of his words, Joker remained focused, his face set in a grim smile. 

Shepard watched at the tactical screen. “Let them get as close as you can.”

Tali ran onto the bridge and slid into the copilot's seat. “We can blow the freighter from here when you're ready, Shepard.”

“Okay.” Shepard hit the comm button. “Helmets and safety harnesses people, we're under attack.” She took a deep breath, leaving the comm channel open. “From the stars our bodies are formed; to the stars we return. From the infinite our souls are born; to the infinite we commend these souls and ask that they be granted rest.”

“Amen,” Joker said, his voice barely more than a breath. His fingers flew over the controls, preparing the _Normandy_ to outrun the blast.

“The fighters are in range,” Tali said. “Cruiser still outside the blast range.”

“Hold as long as you can. We need that cruiser disabled.” Shepard watched the targets close.

“Okay, time to let them underestimate us,” Joker said. He eased the _Normandy_ away from the transport, bringing the thrusters up to full power slowly. “Oh no, we'll never get away. Poor, helpless us.” He chuckled. “Come on you batarian bastards. Come and get us.”

“Cruiser is at the outer edge of the blast range,” Tali reported.

“Your discretion, Joker.” Shepard tried not to hover, knowing that both the pilot's skill and love of his ship would come through.

The fighters opened fire, their anti-ship lasers peppering the _Normandy_ 's shields.

“Damn.” Joker sent the ship into a quick dive, veering starboard. “Get ready, Tali.”

“Only three fighters still in blast range,” Tali said. “We have to blow it soon.”

“Roger that. In three... two... one ...” Joker hit the thrusters, and the _Normandy_ surged forward. “Now!”

A quick, bright flash showed in the ports, then the blast hit them, throwing them clear. Joker quickly brought the ship under control and swung around to deal with the fighters.

“Cruiser's engines disabled,” Tali said. “Two fighters destroyed, one disabled. Cruiser's weapons still online.”

Shepard didn't need the report as Guardian lasers fired, a narrow miss.

Shepard held onto the back of Joker's seat as he made the _Normandy_ perform acrobatics like a gymnast. “Okay, you keep the fighters busy, and stay out of weapon's range of that cruiser.”

The _Normandy_ jolted with the impact of fighter weapons against its shields.

“Our barriers aren't made for drawn-out fights, Shepard!” he growled, sending the _Normandy_ into a tight spin. “All right you bastards, I can dance with all three of you.”

A hard slam sent her flying into the back of the copilot's chair. “What was that?”

“Hit from the cruiser,” Joker reported. “Engineering deck. Small breach. Force fields are holding. Inertial dampeners are down. This is going to get bumpy.”

“Dammit!” Shepard bounced off the corner of the copilot chair. “Cortez! Get the shuttle ready to go immediately. We're going to see what we can do about that cruiser. James, get your ass to the shuttle.”

Shepard grabbed for the back of Joker's chair as he sent the ship ducking one way, then right back the other. “Joker, just keep those fighters off the shuttle, and see if you can't send a couple of them to hell while you're at it.”

“A couple of them? They're all going down, Shepard. I’ve got this covered.”

Shepard ran toward the elevator, bracing against anything she could grab hold of as the _Normandy_ rocked and pitched. She walked hand over hand down the consoles around the galaxy map, envying the crew swinging from their safety harnesses.

“Engineering, do something about the inertial dampeners and now, dammit!”

“Just another second, Commander,” Adams shouted back over a terrible roaring noise in the background.

“Shuttle's ready to go, Shepard,” Steve called in. “Two minutes to lift off.”

“I'm on my way,” she called back. Shepard activated her mag boots to help offset losing her handholds as she broke for the elevator. It opened just as Joker sent the _Normandy_ into a rapid tumble.

“Jesus, Joker,” she grumbled, wincing as her shoulder slammed into the back wall.

“We're trying to avoid venting down here!” Adams yelled. “If containment drops any further, we're going to have to seal engineering.”

“Don't take any chances.” Shepard hit the control. “We can go a lot longer without inertial dampeners than we can without an engineering crew. We'll be heading for the cruiser in a few seconds, give them a taste of their own medicine. You just need to hang on for a few more minutes.”

She saw Garrus and James climbing into the shuttle as the elevator dumped her out. The deck pitched and dropped out from under her. If not for her mag boots, she would have gone straight out the ramp. As it was, pinwheeling her arms, she managed to make it to the procurement console and grab hold.

“Yes! Take that, batarian bastard!” Joker shouted in her ear. “You're clear to the cruiser, Shepard. One down, two more to go. Come on baby, show them how well you can tango.”

“Good work, Joker.” Shepard swallowed hard as the deck tried to duck from under her again, but pushed on, fighting her way to the shuttle. Garrus grabbed one arm, James the other and hauled her through the door when she finally made it.

“Hold the _Normandy_ still for a second, Joker.” Steve activated the thrusters and sending the Kodiak out the main door. As soon as they were clear, he brought the shuttle around in an manoeuvre best suited to a fighter, and set it speeding toward the cruiser.

Shepard threw herself into the copilot seat and strapped herself in. “Target that thing's weapons then their cargo area. I want a hole big enough to fly through.”

Steve turned to look at her as if she were mad, then sighed. “How do I keep forgetting that you're insane?”

“It's my naturally disarming demeanour.”

“Right.”

“Knock her out, then go in and see if we can't find out where these bastards came from.”

Shepard scanned the other ship, sending the coordinates of the batteries to Steve. The pilot brought the shuttle in fast and low behind the cruiser, swinging around to hit it broadside. Dropping back, putting the Kodiak through paces Shepard hadn't even known a shuttle could manage, he dodged the cruiser's guns. Luckily, such a large ship was slow and clumsy even compared to the little, blue brick.

“Yeah!” Steve called as the shuttle's weapons breached the cargo bay. Force fields covered the breach, but he was already swinging around. “One gun left.” The shuttle bounced hard, slamming around to port as the cruiser's main gun clipped the shields. Steve corrected, dodging the large ship's shots like a talented, albeit clumsy dancer. Hollering with adrenaline soaked victory, he sent a series of perfectly targeted shots through the ship's defences, taking out the last gun.

“Good shooting there, Tex. You make this brick seem positively nimble. Now set us down right inside. This is one tick that dog won't be able to shake.” She got up, gave Steve a slap on the shoulder, then headed back to the hatch. She gave James a wink. “You ready to kick some ass, Vega?”

“Damned right I'm ready to kick ass. We've been on vacation too long.” He brought up his Revenant with a cocky flourish. “And I'm going to look hot doing it, too.”

Shepard chuckled. “Nothing like a man with a really big gun.” She bumped Garrus with her hip, then snatched for a hand hold on the roof as Cortez started dodging debris.

“Going through this barrier is going to be a jolt!” Cortez called back. “Hang on.”

The Kodiak slammed through the emergency barrier over the cruiser's hull breach, sending all three of them tumbling hard into the bulkheads and seats. They had just begun to realize what happened when it hit the deck and slid none too gracefully across the cargo bay, metal screeching across metal until it came to an abrupt stop.

Shepard clambered to her feet. “Ow.” She motioned for James to take cover at the hatch, then looked to Garrus. “Only cover is the passage into the pilot compartment. You going high or low?”

Garrus shook his head. “You fit under me way better than I fit under you, Shepard.”

“True.” She ducked down behind the seats while he stood over and behind her.

“Hey, hey, hey! We don't need to know these things about you two,” James grumbled, reaching for the hatch.

Small arms fire started pinging off the Kodiak's shields.

“Aw, James you don't want to join in? I'm disappointed,” Shepard said.

“And I'm relieved,” Garrus grumbled, leaning over her shoulder.

“Pop that hatch, Vega. Let's introduce Droney to the natives.” She cued up her drone.

“You’ve got to rename that thing,” James said, throwing open the hatch.

Shepard ducked out, sending her drone and turret to sew a little havoc and drive the batarians from cover, the three of them taking them down as they were flushed out.

“Move forward,” Shepard called. “James clear aft, Garrus forward. I'll go straight through the middle.” Smooth as clockwork, they took out the batarians scattered through the cargo bay. Shepard moved them forward, covering the entrances. Running feet pounded toward them like thunder on the deck plating, alerting them to more incoming hostiles. She slipped around, dodging from cover to cover until she had a line of sight to the doors.

“Two sets,” she whispered to Garrus and James. “You got eyes on the port doors, James?”

“Roger that.”

“Garrus?”

“Starboard doors covered.”

“All right gentlemen, let's do what we do best.” She threw her turret out before the doors opened, then popped back out of cover to launch her drone. A hail of flashbang grenades flew in the door. “Protect your sight!” she called, ducking down and covering her eyes. The entire deck rocked with the concussion of so many going off at once, the blast disorienting her as it slammed into her inner ear, making her head ring like a cracked gong. She opened her mouth wide, stretching her jaw and gave her head a hard shake. Luckily her drone and turret covered their positions, keeping the batarians at bay while the three of them recovered.

Batarians poured through the doors, heavily armoured troops with thick, metal shields providing cover for sentinels with their tech armour. Shepard pulled her Suppressor and aimed through the slots, taking a few of the first rank out with head shots while Garrus sniped the rest. Overload and Carnage turned their bottleneck into a grotesque slick of blood and bodies.

Shepard shook her head at the field of blood spattered Blue Suns armour. “Looks like TPR is hiring out.”

“How many batarians on a boat like this, you think?” James called.

“Could be as many as a thousand,” Garrus shouted back. “Might as well get comfortable.”

Shepard chuckled as James groaned, but kept her senses alert for sounds of more incoming. Nothing.

“Move up. I'll take Droney and go starboard. You two... port. We'll meet up in the upper deck. Stick to cover and watch one another's backs.” She sidled toward the door, ignoring Garrus' grumblings about a drone not being able to watch her back. Creeping through, she pressed her back to the wall, keeping her drone out ahead of her ten metres. At each corner, she threw her turret around first, then crouched low and swung around. Empty corridors greeted her all the way up to the next deck.

Garrus and James swung out, bringing their guns up as she ducked around the last corner, then pulled them back.

“How many have we killed?” James asked. “Definitely hasn’t been a thousand.”

“A hundred, max,” Garrus confirmed.

“Must be preparing a kill zone somewhere,” Shepard said. She placed her finger against her helmet's visor over her lips, then gestured for James to take point and Garrus to watch the left flank. She called up the cruiser's scans on her omnitool, looking for likely ambush locations. At the end of this deck, the corridors split port and starboard again in another set of ramps.

“As good a place as any,” she muttered to herself. She signalled for James to move out, falling in five meters behind him. As James moved up the main corridor, she and Garrus cleared the rooms on either side, providing cover for one another. A couple of batarians, likely slaves, lay slumped in corners, blood soaking their ragged clothing.

“Spirits,” Garrus muttered. “What the hell is wrong with these people?” He stepped inside a room, checking the corners. Shepard saw little bodies strewn across the floor and shuddered. Shepard shook off the vision of Lenka lying sprawled amidst the others and pushed forward.

“James.” She held up her fist then jerked two fingers to the right as they reached the branching corridors. Garrus was already moving right when she turned to him. She nodded and moved forward. She ducked across the open area and pressed herself up against the far wall, crouching, sliding her back along until she reached the corner.

Two grenades flew past her, and she rolled back, covering her face as they went off. Her shields sizzled as shrapnel pelted her. She sent her drone ahead and tossed her turret out to give her cover as she moved back to the corner, ducking around to open fire. A wide grin broke across her face as she spotted a turret.

“Never bring automated toys to an engineer fight,” she muttered, sabotaging it. The gun spun on its tripod, opening fire behind the batarian lines. She stood and strode into the chaos, her Mattock sighting down batarian after batarian. The turret peppered her with fire as she lost control of it. Rolling behind cover, she hit it with incinerate. Reaching another corner, she sent her drone and turret out first, slowly moving upward toward the engineering deck. “Fighting through all this machinery is going to be a bitch,” she muttered, peering out into the area filled with equipment.

Garrus and James appeared on the other side, having cleared their way up. Shepard sent her drone in. It would seek out any hidden enemies, hopefully flushing them out of cover enough to take them out.

Slowly, centimetre by exhausting centimetre, the three of them made their way across the engineering deck, taking out a fair number of hostiles, but not nearly as many as Shepard would have thought. The crew deck was similarly populated and soon cleared.

“Shepard,” Joker's voice broke through on her comm. “We finished off the last of those fighters, seems we're in the clear. Do you want a hand over there? We've got a few bodies here spoiling for a fight.”

“Send them over, Joker. Tell them to link in when they're on board.” The rest of the team boarded through the cruiser's CIC, coming in the front door like invited guests. They met a few pockets of resistance as they made their way through, but within the half hour, the cruiser was secured.

“Good job, people.” Shepard linked in to Traynor. “Hey Sam, can you connect me to ...”

“She's right here, Shepard,” the specialist answered before Shepard could even ask.

“Shepard?” Lenka's voice came through. “Are you okay?”

“One hundred percent, sweetie, and so is Garrus, so don't worry. How are you doing over there? Did Joker's driving scare you?”

“Yeah, it was scary.”

Shepard chuckled.

“But Papa took care of me. We're okay too.”

“Good stuff. Okay, I'll be back in a little while. Luv yah.”

“Luv yah.”

Shepard closed the channel, then turned to find everyone staring at her. “What?”

“Getting soft, Shepard,” James said, shaking his head. He chugged Kaidan on the arm. “Come on, let's go see how bad engineering is shot up.”

“Be careful, people!” Shepard called after them. “Watch for traps.” She headed forward and found Javik on the bridge, checking bodies for life signs.

“These ones were all dead when we boarded,” he told her. “Shots to the head, every one.” He shook his head. “There is something about this ship...”

Shepard pushed the pilot's body out of his seat. “Yeah. There's something that smells off here. All we took out were Blue Suns. Maybe they hijacked the ship?” She sat and started going through the computer. “Most of it has been wiped. Going to need Liara and Traynor to see what they can dig out of it.” She pushed aside thoughts of EDI and got up.

“Can I limp the Kodiak back to the _Normandy_ now?” Cortez called.

“Yeah, go ahead, Steve. Get her put back together as quickly as you can. I doubt we've seen our last dust-up out here.” She headed aft, trying to decide why the ship made her so uneasy. It could just be that the batarian terrorist cell just didn't have the numbers to properly man a ship this size. She muttered and shook her head. If it was Balak, the ships would have already been manned. He commanded the remaining batarian forces. Something this big... pirates just didn't run across batarian heavy cruisers.

“Ship's cleared,” Garrus said, striding up to her. “She's in pretty decent condition, despite us shooting our way in.”

Shepard nodded. “She feels like a trojan horse, Garrus.” She turned a slow circle, looking over the alien tech. “She feels like a trojan horse.”

“A trojan what?”

Shepard chuckled. “We have a few sayings and legends around gifts of horses that turn out badly.” She frowned. “If Balak is anything, he's a proud son-of-a-bitch. Hiring mercs doesn't seem his style.”

“We could fix her up, take her with us or send her back to Earth with a skeleton crew.”

Shepard hesitated. “We certainly can't pass up a functional ship, but...” She opened a channel. “Tali...”

“Shepard...” Tali's voice was thick with pain.

“Tali? What is it? What happened?”

“Adams...” The quarian let out a sharp sob. “He saved Ken, Gabby, and two others, but... the core ... the shields overloaded and …. He's gone, Shepard.”

Shepard sucked in a ragged breath. “Damn.” She sighed and nodded, she couldn’t afford to get emotional. “We need detailed scans of this ship, Tali. I need to know if it's going to blow up in our faces. Can you get on that? I'll send Liara back to help.”

Tali sniffed hard and cleared her throat. “On it, Shepard.”

“Thank you, Tali.” Shepard looked up at Garrus, who was watching her face, scowling with concern. “Adams is dead. He got the rest of the engineering crew out, but...”

He laid his hand on her shoulder. “I'll help look for traps.”

“Be careful, Vakarian.” She pressed her hand over his for a moment, then headed back to the bridge to link the computer to the _Normandy_ 's. They needed to find the base these bastards came from, maybe end Balak and TPR before they got started.

She sat and began setting up the link. Adams …. Shepard pushed away the grief. He'd been a good man who died saving his people. He'd get the respect he was due once they could be sure that --

The entire ship shuddered, a sound like thunder rolled up through the decks until it slammed into her ears, deafening her.

Shepard rolled out of the chair and behind one of the bulkheads. Smoke plumed into the bridge. What the hell? She lifted her hand to her radio. “What happened? Garrus, James... Kaidan, check in.” She waited a moment, then jumped up and started running toward the ramps to the lower levels. “Come on guys, check in. Garrus!”

No one replied.


	23. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Into the smoke and uncertain reality

**May 15, 2187**

 

“Come on guys, I need someone to say something,” Shepard called between breaths as she ran. She slid around the corner onto the ramp, going down on one hip when her boot slipped along the grating. Bouncing right back up, she scrambled down the ramp and around the corner.

“ _Normandy_ , there's been an explosion! I need Dr. Chakwas and some extra hands.” Shepard choked on the smoke and wished she'd thought to put her helmet back on.

“Garrus! Kaidan!” She covered her nose and mouth, coughing into her arm. “You're an idiot, Shepard.” She hit the engineering deck, the smoke thickening with every stride until she could barely see a meter ahead of her. “For the love of... If any of you are still alive, I'm going to kill you. Careless... mistakes... stupid...”

She slowed down as she neared the machinery and consoles that kept the cruiser running. Squinting against the smoke, she zigzagged back and forth, bending almost double to get below the worst of the smoke as she searched.

“Garrus! Come on big guy, answer me. I need a happy ending here.” Talking set off a coughing fit, but she pushed through it. She needed to find him.

She spotted him, lying on his side, shoved up against a wall. She slid the last meter on her knees, her hands fluttering over him like frightened birds before they settled on his shoulder and waist. “Garrus?” She reached up to open a channel. “Dr. Chakwas, I found Garrus. He's down and not responding. I'm on the engineering deck. There's a lot of smoke. Follow my flares in.”

She bent over him, but couldn't see his face through the dark visor on his helmet. “Hang on, Garrus. The Doc’s on her way.” She jumped up, popping small flares and dropping them along the wall as she retraced her path out until she reached cleaner air.

Tali met her at the ramp. “Shepard? What happened? What can I do?” she asked, her voice high and tight with grief and fear.

“Get the air cleared before I fall over from smoke inhalation.” Shepard turned and ran back in, following her own trail, accompanied by a constant cough. Garrus hadn't moved. She hesitated, wanting... aching to stay with him, but forced herself to turn away. Help was already on its way for him. She needed to find the others.

“James. Do you read me?”

A muffled groan answered her and set her running deeper into the smoke. This time she dropped the markers on the way, starting at Garrus, who remained still, so very still. She swallowed her fear and pushed forward. The wind roared in her ears, the sound punctuated by Balak's laughter bouncing off the inside of her skull. Every step forward took more effort, her body seeming to lose gravity, the wind pulling at her.

She found James ten metres from Garrus. It felt as though she'd travelled a klick the way her lungs heaved, the air rasping in and out. The lieutenant lay with his lower body trapped under a large pipe. She knelt next to him, laying a hand against his helmet's visor.

“James?” she called, her voice a raspy croak.

His eyes flickered open, and he groaned, raising a hand to his head. “Lola?”

“Yeah, that's me. Hang on, I'll get this thing off you.” She stood, braced her back into the pipe, then stopped, her lungs prickling with smoke. Choking on the acrid air, she went down on one knee, her entire body heaving, struggling to rid itself of the suffocating toxins. She choked until all she could do was gasp weakly, her stomach muscles tied in knots and begging for mercy.

“Hey Lola, where's your helmet?” James asked. “You tryin’ to get yourself killed?”

“What can I say? I got careless in the rush to save your careless asses.” She shoved herself to her feet and braced against the pipe, putting as much weight on her prosthesis as she could. “Can you pull yourself out from under there when I lift?”

James nodded and heaved himself into a sitting position, his arms braced. “Ready.”

A tight smile pressed her lips into a thin line. “My turn for a dramatic rescue.” She clenched her jaw, took a couple of deep breaths then shoved back and up. The pipe gave way, screeching and groaning its complaints.

James pulled against the pressure on his legs, but still couldn't get free. Shepard sucked in a long breath, biting down on her lip, grunting hard. “Come on, you bitch.” Millimetre by millimetre, it lifted. Her back and organic knee complained, the servos in her false limbs joining the chorus as they strained.

James scrambled backward, crawling out from under the weight. When he was clear she let go, heaving a sigh of relief as she fell to all fours, panting and choking, her heart banging against her chest wall. Her lungs burned, and her legs trembled. 

“Anything broken, LT?” she gasped.

James nodded. “I think it took my ankle out.”

She studied his face, pale and drawn from pain. “Okay. Give me a second.” She coughed, then took a couple gasps of cleaner air, trying to calm the urge to throw up. Tali must have gotten the air recyclers going. “Any idea where the other two are?”

“Javik saw the bomb first.” James tossed a careless gesture toward a massive pile of fuel cells. “He grabbed the one with the detonator and threw it. Not sure what it took out when it blew, but next thing I knew, you ran up.”

“Okay.” She took a couple more shallow breaths, the cleaner air not helping as much as she would have hoped. “Hang in there. Doc's coming.”

She scrambled up, and headed in the direction James indicated. She found Javik hanging amidst a tangle of pipes, suspended three metres in the air. “Oh my god.” She reached up to open a comm channel. “Doc, are you on board?” She climbed slowly, making sure that the wreckage wouldn't shift under her and make matters worse. Another coughing fit gripped her. She froze, trying to control the choking in case it upset the entire house of cards. 

Recovering enough breath to speak, she called out, “Javik, can you hear me?” The prothean didn't answer, dangling as still as death. Blood ran down the pipe in a slow, thin stream.

“Just sent Garrus back to the _Normandy_ ,” Dr. Chakwas replied. “He took a bump to the head, but he'll be fine.”

“I have a hell of a problem here, Doc. Could use a hand.” Shepard scooted forward as far as she dared, but could barely grab hold of Javik's armour. “Holy crap. How am I going to get you out of here, Javik?”

“Hang on, Shepard. I'll give you a hand.”

The admiral turned, a heady wave of either relief or oxygen deprivation washing over her as she looked toward the sound of Kaidan's voice. “You okay, Major?”

“Yeah, just stunned when the blast tossed me into the bulkhead.” He walked around the tangle of prothean and twisted metal, testing the stability of the debris before climbing up to help. “That was a hell of an explosion. Would have shredded the whole ship if Javik hadn't acted as fast as he did.”

Shepard nodded, easing her way up to sit on an intact, horizontal pipe, straddling it to keep her hands free. “Can you get up around his other side?” She reached up to open a channel to Dr. Chakwas.

“Karin, it looks like Javik is impaled on some pipes. We could use some advice getting him down... this doesn't look good.” Shepard leaned down, laying along the metal, trying to see what was going on underneath Javik, but he was twisted so that she couldn't see anything.

She looked up at Kaidan. “Is he impaled, or just lying on top?”

“He’s got a piece of pipe sticking in him, but I can’t tell how much.” Kaidan wriggled forward. “I don’t know what to do here. We’re going to have to cut the pipe and then lift him out, but I don’t know how to cut the pipe without doing him more damage.”

Dr. Chakwas and a couple of crew ran up. The doctor climbed into and under the debris, inspecting the situation from every angle she could. “We'll try to keep him out of your way, Major.” The doctor grabbed a chunk of smaller pipe and gently moved the prothean’s arm out of the way. She waved one of the crew in. “Careful now. Don’t jostle him.” Picking up another pipe, she very slowly moved Javik’s knee back. “Okay, as fast as you can, Major.”

Kaidan activated his omni-tool, sparks flying as he cut through the section of pipe. Time dragged as Shepard fought to keep her coughing under control for fear of moving something that caused a collapse.

“Okay,” Kaidan said at last. “He’s free of that pipe.”

“You’re going to have to lift him up and toward Shepard on a twenty degree angle.” The doctor let Javik’s leg settle back.

“Kaidan,” Shepard asked, “Can you do this?”

“Yeah, I think so. I'll lift, you pull him toward you.” Kaidan glowed blue and stretched his hands out.

Shepard leaned forward, grabbing two handfuls of Javik's armour. “Okay, I'm ready.”

“Nice and slow,” the doctor said.

“Roger that,” Shepard agreed. She looked to Kaidan. 

He nodded. “On three... One... two... three...” Kaidan enveloped the prothean in a biotic field and began lifting.

The biotic field tingling along Shepard's arms felt like a warning as she pulled, providing traction more than anything while Kaidan lifted. She watched the doctor out the corner of her eye, for either an indication that Javik was clear or that they were causing him further harm. Either way, they couldn't stop. Judging by the amount of blood on the wreckage, if he still drew breath, he wouldn't for long.

“You're clear,” the doctor called.

“I'm going to pull him over a bit more then push him out until he's clear,” Shepard told Kaidan. “You okay over there?”

“Yeah, fine.” The strain in Kaidan's voice belied his words.

Shepard pulled Javik clear of the ruined pipes, then pushed him out toward the open space and the hands waiting below. When the prothean settled to the deck plating, she let out a heavy sigh of relief that turned into a coughing fit. Shepard collapsed over the pipes, hanging on for dear life as choking turned into gagging. 

Then hands reached up, taking hold of her, easing her down to the floor. A syringe pressed against her neck. 

“That will help with the smoke inhalation, but I want to see you in Med Bay before you retire for the evening,” Dr. Chakwas ordered.

Shepard nodded. “Understood, Doc.” She reached up, taking Kaidan’s offered hand, letting him help her to her feet.

Clapping him on the back, Shepard smiled and gripped his shoulder. “Good work there, Major,” she said. “Damned good work.”

“How's Garrus, Doc?” she asked, turning to the doctor who was hovering over Javik’s stretcher, preparing to move him.

“He's got a concussion and a few shrapnel wounds, but he should be up and around in a couple of hours.” Karin laid her hand on Shepard's arm then hurried after the stretcher.

Shepard looked around at the damaged engine room. “Something is telling me to blow this thing to hell and be done with it,” she said to no one in particular.

“The Alliance sure could use another cruiser, even if just for parts,” Kaidan said, dusting his armour off..

“I know, which is why I'll probably give it to you to take home, but it makes me uneasy.” She met his gaze, her scowl deepening. “Make sure this thing is checked out top to bottom. No more surprises like that one. Use utmost caution, Major.” She started back toward the ramps to the upper decks. “She's your boat. Choose a skeleton crew to get her home. Use who you need to get her space worthy and get at least the main battery and one GARDIAN functional. These bastards have a base around here somewhere. We'll need you, no doubt.”

Kaidan grinned. “Yes Ma'am.” He turned a slow circle, his shoulders squaring as he looked at his ship. “I'm going to head in and help Dr. Chakwas with Javik.” He saluted and trotted toward the ramps.

“I want an estimate of how long this hunk of junk is going to keep us stuck here by 0900, Alenko,” Shepard called after him.

“Roger that.”

Shepard took another look around, her gaze stopping on the massive pile of fuel cells. She needed to get it taken apart and the cells stored properly before an accident blew them all to hell anyway.

“Shepard?” Tali called, jogging over to her. “Is everyone okay?”

“Javik is hurt pretty badly, but James and Garrus took minor damage. Can you finish linking the computer to the _Normandy_? I'm going to get a crew and take this apart.”

“Right away, Shepard.”

“Thanks, Tali.” Shepard watched the quarian head for the upper decks, then called over to the _Normandy_ for a zero G lift and some bodies.

Two hours later, Shepard helped stow the last of the makeshift bomb in the cruiser's cargo bay, celebrating the moment with a massive coughing fit. She really needed to get her ass kicked for running in without her helmet.

“You've got to be smarter than that, Shepard.” She leaned against her knee and gasped for air, each breath feeling like a knife in her lungs. The shot Dr. Chakwas gave her had helped the pounding in her head and nausea.

Once she caught her breath, she headed up to the CIC and the docking bridge to the _Normandy_. She needed to check in on Garrus. She should have done so hours before. Why hadn't she? Anyone could have taken apart that bomb. Anyone who didn't have the love of their life lying injured in Med Bay.

“What's your problem, Shepard?” she asked the empty CIC as she walked toward the bridge. “What are you afraid of?” Another coughing spasm gripped her, bending her double for a moment.

_“It's all just a little too perfect, isn't it?”_ Balak laughed. _“You're afraid, and you're giving yourself distance to protect yourself from the pain if it all disappears and you plough into the surface of Alchera fast enough to leave a crater the size of a house. Oh, but...”_ He let out a mocking, dramatic gasp. _“... you might wake up on the Crucible, just in time to watch the Reapers blow your ship and all your loved ones to hell? Mmmm, yes, you need to protect yourself against that as well, I suppose.”_

Shepard pushed herself upright, shaking her head hard, as if she could dislodge that bastard’s voice. Wiping her mouth on her glove, she started back toward the link joining the two ships. She should have gone to Garrus hours ago. Afraid or not, pushing him away wouldn't save her any pain in the long run. She needed to be here for him.

When she reached the cruiser's bridge, instead of turning left into the airlock, Shepard paused to stare out the ports at the endless black, the stars shining like ice chips against the frozen void. Frowning, she stepped forward, feeling...

What was she feeling? Space had always called to her, reaching out to her with welcoming arms, brimming with promises of adventure and exploration. Now, the vacuous expanse pulled at her, sucking her toward oblivion and emptiness. Dizziness swept her up, and she stumbled, catching herself on the back of a seat. It wanted her. Somehow she'd escaped, and it hungered for her return. She shuddered, knowing that the void would not be denied forever. The wind roared in her ears, deafening her. It snatched at her with a million hands, trying to pull her apart.

She pressed her eyes closed, concentrating on her heartbeat as she felt herself lifting from her body, floating just above and behind. Breathing in shallow, aching breaths of filtered air, she focused on Garrus and Lenka, Herros and Sol. Her lungs rebelled at the clean air forcing its way into their soot-clogged depths, sparking another round of coughing.

“You can keep it together for them, Shepard. You can be okay. You're not broken,” she said in a raspy whisper. She opened her eyes and turned her back to the endless darkness. “When you start thinking that space is out to get you, you're way past ready to retire, Shepard.” A pale ghost of a smile played over her lips as she passed through the airlock and into decon.

Once aboard the _Normandy_ , she headed straight to Med Bay, smiling as the door opened, and she saw Garrus sitting on the side of the first bed. He held Lenka on his lap, the two of them talking very seriously about something. Herros hovered behind them, his hand on his son's shoulder.

Garrus looked up, meeting and holding her gaze for a long moment before his mandibles spread and fluttered. She swallowed and sighed, giving her head a little shake as she walked toward them. The dizziness swelled again.

_“It's all just a little too perfect, though, isn't it?” Balak whispered._

“Shut up, you bastard,” Shepard grumbled under her breath.

Lenka turned and saw Shepard, her skinny little arms reaching out. “Shepard! Garrus got bonked in the head.”

Shepard lifted the child into her arms and hugged her. “He did? Good thing he's got a thick melon then, huh?” She kissed Lenka's cheek. “You okay? Didn't get bounced around too much?”

The child nodded. “It's fine. Papa looked after it.” She gave Shepard a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “How about you, Shepard? You didn't get hurt? You're all dirty.”

“No. I'm fine.” She coughed for a moment. “Just breathed in a bit of smoke.” She looked at Garrus and reached out to caress his face. “I'm 100% now that I know the big guy is okay.”

“Just got thrown by the blast,” Garrus confirmed. “Took a little shrapnel, but nothing that won't heal in a couple of days.”

Shepard leaned in to kiss him. She left her lips pressed against his mouth for a moment, savouring the warmth and roughness of him. When she pulled back, she stroked his cheekbone with her thumb. “Overheard anything about Javik?”

Garrus shook his head. “He's in pretty rough shape.”

“Garrus, you can go as long as you relax and have a quiet evening,” Dr. Chakwas called. “But Shepard, you need to take a seat for a moment. Kaidan will do some scans and give you another shot for that smoke inhalation.”

Shepard checked her chrono. “Evening? It's past my bedtime.” She looked at the child on her hip. “You tired?”

Lenka answered with a yawn, rubbing the knuckles of one hand into the corner of an eye.

“Yeah, me too. Let's check on James and then get some sleep.” Shepard walked around Garrus' bed to where James lay with his lower leg packed in cooling wraps. “How's the leg, soldier?”

“Doc says it's just a bad sprain, so I'll be kicking ass again in a couple of days. Don't worry, Lola.” He gave Lenka a wink. “You need to hit me with more than a bad ankle to take me out of commission.”

Shepard gave his shoulder a firm squeeze. “Take it easy. We're going to be stuck here for a couple of days, and we're going to need you when we find their base. Good work today, LT.”

He nodded. “Yeah, thanks boss.” James glanced over where the doctor and Kaidan worked on Javik. “Only saw the end of it thanks to the jackass over there.”

“Well, we'll have to give him the best thank you we primitives can muster when he's up to it.” Shepard gave James a crooked smile then looked to Lenka. “You ready for bed, kid?”

Lenka heaved a long sigh. “It wants to draw.”

“I think that can be arranged.” Shepard clasped Herros' wrist as she stepped beside him. “Want to come up for a bit, Dad? We're going to have a colouring party.”

Herros smiled. “Sounds good.”

“Then I'll get one of you to take Miss Lenka upstairs, while I let Alenko give me a shot. Before I come up, I'll make us something hot to drink. I believe Tali has some dextro ... stuff... that Garrus likes.” Shepard passed Lenka over to Herros. “I think it's sort of like tea.”

“Just make it good and strong,” Garrus said. He slid off the bed. “Tali makes it so you can see through it.” He shuddered. “Terrible. If you can see the bottom of the cup, it's not ready.”

Shepard chuckled and kissed him. “I'll remember that. Go on up and take a shower. I'll be up in a few minutes.” She watched them leave, taking note of how carefully Garrus held himself. He stopped at the door, glancing back at her. For a moment, she thought she saw fear or confusion in his eyes, but then Kaidan stepped in front of her, and the moment passed.

“This will help your breathing,” Kaidan told her as he gave her the injection. “Next time, remember your helmet.” He activated his Omni-tool and scanned her. “Your lungs are a mess, and you’re showing signs of CO poisoning. Stay put.” He walked over to the doctor, showing her the scans.

They conferred in voices too low for her to make any sense of the medical jargon, but when he returned, Kaidan gave her another shot.

“You can go, but come back in the morning,” he said.

Shepard coughed and then patted his shoulder. “Understood. Thanks, Doc Junior.”

Kaidan glared at her, then returned to helping Karin with Javik.

She made hot chocolate for Lenka and herself, and the unpleasant-looking tea for Garrus and his father, putting them in thermoses. She leaned against the back wall of the elevator on the way up, grateful that the constant pain in her throat and lungs was easing.

“This one is of Mordin,” Lenka told Herros when Shepard entered her quarters. “It's not finished with it yet.”

Shepard took the thermoses down to the coffee table. She poured a cup for Lenka. “Be careful, baby, it's hot.”

“Okay Shepard.” Lenka passed Herros some paper and a crayon. “Do you want to draw too, Papa?”

“What should I draw?” he asked.

“Whatever you like. Garrus was working on a picture before the bad people came back. He wouldn't let us see it.”

“And I won't until I'm finished,” Garrus said, walking out of the washroom. He ran his hand over the small of Shepard's back as he walked behind her. He sat on the couch and poured the tea, giving Shepard a nod of approval.

“It's sufficiently opaque?” she asked.

He drank a little, then nodded. “Perfect.”

“Then I’m going to celebrate my tea-making victory with a long shower.” She began stripping off her armour. “Should have left this down in the armoury though.” She piled it on the side desk up by the washroom, then grabbed her t-shirt and shorts before heading in to wash the cruiser and all its madness from her skin.

Lenka was sound asleep in Garrus' lap when Shepard emerged. “Guess she coloured herself out, huh?”

Shepard sat on the couch at Garrus' side and curled up against him.

“Do you want your drink?” he asked.

“No.” She closed her eyes and curled in tighter. “I'm fine just as I am.”

Herros drained his mug then stood. “Goodnight. I'll see you in the morning.”

Shepard smiled. “Sleep well, Dad.” When the door shut behind Herros, Shepard closed her eyes. “Shall we?”

“It's been a long day.” He laid his cheek against the top of her head. “Think we can put her to sleep on the couch for a while?”

“Let's try. I could use some close contact time.” She got up and spread out the sheets and blankets on the other side of the couch. When Garrus placed the child on them, Shepard covered her up and bent to kiss her. “Goodnight sweetie.” Caressing Lenka's cheek with a finger, she whispered. “No bad dreams.”

Straightening, Shepard let out a soft groan as her joints cracked. “I'm getting too old to do this any more.” She headed over to the bed and threw the duvet back.

Garrus followed her, but rather than lying down, he sat up with his back to the bulkhead and held out his arm. “Come here for a minute.”

Shepard smiled and crawled over to curl up against his side. “You feeling okay? Is your head hurting?”

“I'm fine. Bit of a headache, nothing serious.” He wrapped his arm around her. “What happened today?”

Shepard pulled back a little. “What do you mean?”

“I've never seen you act as recklessly as you did today. Separating from us, not taking cover, running into the smoke without your helmet.” He nuzzled the top of her head. “It scares me, Shepard. It makes me believe that you still think this is all some hallucination or dream, that you think that it doesn't matter if you die, because you’re already dead.”

“Dying never crossed my mind, Garrus. I just acted, or reacted in the case of the explosion. I forgot my helmet. Was it a stupid mistake? Damn right. Will I make it again? No.” She wrapped her arms around his waist. “I'm not trying to get myself killed, Garrus. I promise you that.”

His voice lowered. “No, not trying to get killed, but I think you're still trying to prove something to yourself.”

“I'm fine, Garrus. I'm here with you and Dad and that sweet little girl over there.” Wincing a little at the lie, she hugged him.

Garrus slid down in the bed, laying on his side. “Come on, let's get some sleep while we can.”

Shepard wriggled down and pressed herself along his length. “It's been a heck of a long day.” Leaning up on her elbow, she reached up to caress his face. “I'm sorry I didn't come right back with you tonight.” She shook her head. “I don't mean to hold distance between us, Garrus. It's just that...”

Staring into her eyes, he nodded. “You get scared.” He pulled her back down into his arms, his hand cupping the back of her neck as he caressed her cheekbone with his thumb. “I'm not sure either of us really believed that we'd make it to this side of the war. How I feel about you...” He shook his head a little. “...it's intense and beautiful and terrifying. I want to pull away sometimes when it starts to feel like I'm drowning, or when I allow myself to think I might lose you again. But you deserve better than that. You deserve all of me, not whatever parts and pieces I think are safe.”

Shepard leaned in and kissed him. “And you deserve all of me, and so much more. I'm trying not to be crazy, Garrus.”

A turian smile greeted that. He leaned in, pressing his mouth to hers. “You'll always be crazy, Shepard. It's part of your charm.”

She kissed him and stretched out, her head laying on his arm. “I love you, Garrus. More than anything.”

______________________________________________________________________________

Shepard awoke, heart pounding, breath coming in shallow, wheezing gasps as the last vestiges of the dream dissolved.

Garrus stirred, reaching over to stroke her arm. “You okay?”

Nodding, she laid her hand over his. “Fine, just the usual. Go back to sleep.” After a few more breaths, Shepard swung her legs out of bed and got up, padding across the floor and up the stairs to the washroom. Leaning against the vanity, she stared into the mirror, noting the dark circles under her eyes. They just kept getting worse, as did the pallor of her skin. No wonder Garrus worried about her so much. She looked like she belonged in one of Kenneth's zombie movies.

“You've got to find a way to sleep, Shepard.”

She turned on the water, waiting until it steamed before splashing it over her face. The washroom door opened, footsteps entering, the tread too heavy to be Lenka. She turned off the water and held out her hand.

“Could you pass me a towel, please?”

Garrus pressed into her from behind, shoving her up against the vanity.

“Garrus?” She reached out, hand scrambling for a towel, finally pulling one off the rack.

His hands travelled up her sides, rough and demanding, reaching around to squeeze her breasts before sliding down over her stomach.

“Garrus... what are you...?”

Sharp talons dug into her left side, breaking the skin.

Letting out a pained yelp, Shepard spun around, coming face to face with four black eyes filled with hatred. Something flashed on her left. She threw up her arm trying to ward it off, but her attacker just twirled the knife around his hand and buried it in her side.

“You think your pathetic shield adjustments can keep me from coming for you whenever I wish?” Balak growled in her ear. He licked her cheek. “Doing whatever I want to you?” He laughed and spun her around, throwing her against the shower wall. 

Shepard slammed into the shower control, turning on the water, then Balak swept her feet out from under her. Shepard fell hard, her head smacking the tile with enough force to stun her.

“There’s only one thing you can do to stop me, and you will never do it, Shepard. You’ve got too much to live for.” Balak crouched over her, blocking the stream of freezing cold water. “Accept it, I'm always a half step behind you. You'll never be free.” He stared into her eyes as he slowly sank his blade into her side. 

The knife sawed at her flesh, slowly grinding along her rib, the batarian laughing as Shepard began to scream.


	24. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you know when you stop falling?

**May 15, 2187**

Shepard screamed, but the cry never escaped her lips. Closing her eyes against the ice-cold spray from the shower, she struggled to focus and shut out the horrific grinding of serrated blade against bone.

“You’re not real,” she said in a rough, growling whisper.

Balak laughed. “That’s where you’re wrong. You’ll learn that over time. My people have a manifest destiny, Shepard, and you’re going to help us realize it. However, until that day, I intend to enjoy every moment we spend together.”

Shepard gritted her teeth and opened her eyes, but she was alone, laying in the shower. Her eyes drifted closed, her world transmuting into a glacial limbo of bright, white light.

The hard, clipped click of leather soles on a hard surface echoed through her white emptiness, moving toward her. Shepard smiled, feeling no fear. Instead, a shroud of warmth and safety settled over her, the footsteps ones she knew very well. For sixteen cycles, she’d listened for them each evening and each morning, her eyes shut tight waiting to feel the rough, tickling brush of her father’s red-gold beard against her cheek and her brow.

“Daylight in the swamp, Kitten.”

Grinning, Shepard savoured the warm, rough timbre of the voice. “You’re so lame, Daddy. Can’t you come up with anything new?”

A deep rumbling chuckle greeted her question. “Get your lazy butt off the floor. There’s a day’s work to be done.” A large shadow blocked the light and water, and she heard her father’s knees crack as he crouched at her side. “Phew, I’m getting old, Kitten.”

Shepard opened her eyes, looking up to meet her father’s gaze. “That makes two of us now, Daddy.” Sitting up, she reached out to touch his hand. It felt warm and solid under hers. “You feel so real.” She let out a long, tremulous breath. “Am I dead? Is this all some hallucination?”

“I came to answer one question, Kitten, and it’s neither of those.” A soft sigh escaped his lips as he shifted, settling onto his heels. He nodded toward the bathroom door. “That man out there is as good a man as has ever been born into God’s great creation, but you know he’s never going to agree to having a family as long as you’re this unstable.” 

Dropping her chin, Shepard nodded. “I’m trying, Daddy but...” She gripped his hand. “I’m so afraid. Afraid that I’m broken or that I’m dead or indoctrinated. How am I supposed to know what’s real? What if I can never find the woman I was before, and one day, he gets tired of holding me together and leaves?”

Turning his hand over to take hers in his rough, gentle grip, her father sighed. “Garrus will never leave you, Kitten. You know that.”

After a moment, Shepard let out a long, wavering breath. “Yeah, I do, and he deserves better than to be saddled with a lunatic wife he has to nursemaid until they lock her away.”

Sighing, her father looked down at the tile floor. “It breaks my heart to see you with so little faith, Kitten.” He held up a hand to stop her from speaking, meeting her eyes again. “I understand why you abandoned our beliefs. What happened to our family was nothing any god would sanction. I just hoped that I’d raised you with the ability to have faith in something.”

Shepard looked into his eyes. “I don’t know what to believe any more. What happened to me during those two years that I was a corpse, Daddy? How am I supposed to believe in anything when I just blinked off and then back on? How am I even supposed to believe that I died?” Her eyes burned, and she took a thick, hiccoughing breath as phlegm built up in the back of her throat. “You taught me that we went on forever … that we joined God and our loved ones.”

She scrambled to her feet. “It was all a lie. Everything I believed in. Everything you taught me.” She paced the few steps to the vanity and back. 

Her father took hold of her hand as she passed by him again. “You don’t remember what happened to you, Kitten. It was a painful time, so you buried it. If you want to remember, you will.” He pulled her into a tight hug.

Shepard relaxed into his embrace and closed her eyes. “I’ve missed this. I felt so safe in your arms. Everything was so ...” She hesitated, trying to find the word. Their life hadn’t been perfect, but it had been happy enough. “... safe and normal.”

He chuckled and rubbed her back. “You were never meant for normal or safe, Kitten. You were meant to be out here, doing the impossible, saving people, making the galaxy safer for all the families like ours.”

Shepard chuckled. “You would have kicked my butt if I told you I wanted to enlist in the Alliance.”

“I would’ve tried to talk you along another path, yes.” He kissed her brow. “No father wants to think of his child going through the things you’ve endured over the years, but I would’ve been wrong.” He pushed her away, holding her at arm’s length. “I am so proud of you. You’re a miracle so great that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend it.” He caressed her cheek with his thumb. “You deserve to rest, Kitten. You deserve to find some peace.”

Shepard shook her head. “I’ve killed so many, Daddy.”

Strong arms pulled her back in tight against him. “You did the only thing you could do. Do you think God wanted you to take control of those monsters or try to usurp him with that false evolution? No. The design of this universe was never meant to be man’s to control.” He kissed her brow again. “But, my time is short, and I haven’t answered your question yet. Close your eyes, and think back to the moments before the first _Normandy_ was destroyed.”

Frowning, Shepard tried to pull away, but his arms held her fast. “Daddy ...?”

“I know that it’s frightening, but you’ve got to allow yourself to go there, Jane, for yourself, for Garrus, and for my grandchildren.” He stroked her back. “Close your eyes and think back.”

Taking a deep breath, Shepard closed her eyes and laid her head against his chest, taking solace from the steady thump of his heartbeat. “I reached Joker. He didn’t want to leave the ship. I grabbed him, and mostly dragged him to the escape pod, but I was thrown by another hit. The collector ship fired, the beam was between me and the pod. All I could do was close him in. Another blast threw me clear.”

Trembling, Shepard opened her eyes, looking out through her helmet’s visor at the burning remains of her ship. Seeing the life pods moving away from the blast, she smiled. At least most of her people were okay. She frowned. Wait. A foreign sound. A faint mist blew past her. Twisting, her hands struggled to find the problem and fix it. Her suit alarm went off, warning low oxygen. It became harder and harder to breathe. Her hands stopped trying to save her, clasping tightly to her throat as she fought to breathe, her lungs screaming. Her entire world dissolved into searing agony, then blackness.

When Shepard opened her eyes again, snow blew across her vision in wide sweeps and ribbons, curling around her, then blowing off across a glacier. Taking a step toward a wide crack in the ice, she realized that she was alone.

“Daddy?” She took a few more steps, peering over the edge of the chasm ripped through the otherwise serene landscape. Orange streaked across the dark sky, shooting over her head to slam into the planet’s surface with enough force that the shock wave sent her flying head over heels. Snow and ice plumed, then rained down around Shepard as she clambered to her feet. 

“What the ....” Even as she muttered the words, Shepard knew what she’d witnessed. After a moment, a smile touched the corner of her lips. “I landed.” A laugh of relief bubbled to the surface, and she sprinted toward the crater. She climbed up the slope of ejected material, stopping at the top to look down at what remained of her body. 

After a moment, she laughed again, and then, punching a fist at the sky, jumped , letting out a holler of pure relief. “I landed! Oh thank god. Garrus! I landed. It’s all real. Oh my god, it’s all real.” She hollered again and dropped to her knees. “Thank you, Daddy. Thank you for my family.” 

 

Movement at the other side of the crater drew her attention. A faint ripple in the air moved to mirror her actions, peering down into the large hole. Shepard grinned. It was her. 

As quickly as she recognized that she was looking at her own spirit, her perspective shifted to that of her ethereal self. Moving down the bank, she approached her remains. Crouching by her own side, she laid a hand where the backplate of her armour had been torn away.   
“Not much left of you, Shepard. How did they bring you back?”

She drifted, wandering the ruins of her ship, days passing, judging by the stars and moons moving overhead. Then a shuttle touched down. She didn’t recognize them. Mercs, maybe. Following them, she realized that they were there for her. They put her remains into a stasis pod, loaded it on the shuttle and took off.

“I landed.” Shepard smiled and closed her eyes. “Garrus! I landed.”

“Shepard?”

Opening her eyes, Shepard became aware of several things at once. She still sat on the floor in the shower, freezing cold water spraying down on her, and Garrus stood in the doorway, staring down at her. 

“What are you doing, Shepard?” he asked, his mandibles fluttering, his expression one of confused concern.

Grinning, she reached out her hand. “I remembered, Garrus.” She threw her arms around him as he pulled her to her feet. “Oh god, I remembered.”

His arms slipped around her. “Remembered what, Shepard?”

“Alchera. I remembered dying. I landed, Garrus. I blew a big old crater into the surface of that planet. I watched people come and take my body away.” She laughed, and squeezed him tight. “Oh god, I landed.” She pulled back and kissed him, then let out a long, heavy sigh.

He frowned, his brow-plates lowering. “You needed to sit in a freezing cold shower in your clothes to remember this?”

Shrugging, she looked into his eyes. “It wouldn’t have been my first choice. I slipped and knocked the shower control.” She pulled her t-shirt over her head and wrung it out before tossing it onto the vanity. “But I remembered. I looked down, and what was left of me ....” She shook her head. “Let’s just say that Miranda and her team were bigger miracle workers than I could have imagined.” 

After stripping off her sodden shorts, she grabbed a towel then looked around. “Oh, crap. Garrus, could you grab me another t-shirt and shorts, please?” 

He reached out, running his long talons over her soaking wet hair, watching her with an expression of cautious hope.

She reached up and took his hand in both of hers, pressing it to her lips. “I’m okay, Garrus.” Smiling, she nodded. “I’m going to be okay. Not all at once, but it’s an anchor.”

Taking his hand back, he nodded and left the bathroom to get her some clothes.

Five minutes later, she climbed into their bed and pressed herself along his length, curling into his warmth, her head pillowed on his arm. She reached up, brushing his brow, cheekbones, nose and upper lip with loving fingers.

“Have I ever told you about my father?” she asked in a soft whisper.

He shook his head.

“Daddy stood nearly as tall as you, just a broad-shouldered, solid wall of muscle. His hair and beard were a couple shades lighter than my hair and glowed like gold in the sunlight. When he took my hand, his completely enveloped mine, and he gave hugs that you just knew came from his whole being.” She paused, then shook her head. “And he loved God with a faith that was beautiful to witness.

“Daddy worked from sunup to sundown in the fields except on Sundays, so I didn’t get to see him very much. Each morning I lay in bed, waiting for him to come in to wake me up and kiss me good morning. Every night, I stayed awake until he came in to kiss me goodnight. He never missed a night, no matter how hard his day had been. Sundays we went to church in the morning, then the rest of the day, he was all mine.” She smiled, her eyes glassy. “I loved him so much. I loved my mother too, she was an amazing, strong woman, but Daddy was the rock-solid center of my world.”

Closing her eyes, Shepard stroked Garrus’s arm then laced her fingers with his. “We lived very differently than most people do. My parents moved to Mindoir to lead a more simple life, to be closer to the land and thus closer to God. My father tilled the land with horses, my mother made all our clothing, and we grew everything we ate. It seems a strange way to live to most people, but it was a solid, honest life. I walked to the small school in the middle of our little community every day, went to church in the same building on Sunday. Everyone in our community was a beloved friend.” A lump of grief formed in her throat. 

Garrus stroked her side. “Then the batarians came.”

“Yeah. Our little commune was ripe for the picking--just a bunch of peaceful farmers. I think three people had old pistols; everyone else tried to fight them off with pitchforks and shovels.” She shifted. “In other parts of the colony, there were Alliance troops at least, but we lived apart. The Alliance considered us backwards and basically washed their hands of us. We didn’t stand a chance.”

Snuggling in tight, she tucked her face in against his neck. “I loved them both so much.”

“And this has something to do with remembering dying on Alchera?” he asked, his voice gentle, the undertones soothing.

“I was thinking about him. Remembering how much faith he had, how he raised me to share that faith, and I did once. I believed in something larger than myself, some benevolent force behind the universe guiding everything. After what happened to my home, it seemed a joke. How could a loving god allow something so horrific to happen? And if that hadn’t shattered my faith, the Reapers certainly would have.”

“And now?”

“Well, now I know that I landed, and I died. What happened afterward will come back to me when it’s ready. When I’m ready.” She leaned up and kissed his mouth, soft and loving. “And I’ve found that I do believe in something greater than myself.”

His eyes asked the question his mouth didn’t.

Shepard smiled. “I believe in us, Garrus. You and me, and the little one over there, the very little Vakarians down in Med Bay. I believe in that with everything I’ve got.” She kissed him again, then whispered against his mouth. “Is that good enough?”

He returned her kiss with gentle passion. “More than enough, Shepard.” He pulled her back into his arms. “As long as I can do this every night,” he whispered and kissed her brow, “the rest will sort itself out.”

Smiling, she caressed his neck. “Yeah, it will.”

______________________________________________________________________________

May 16, 2187

Shepard arrived in the shuttle bay first. She stopped just outside the elevator, staring down the length of the shuttle bay at Adams’s coffin. After taking a deep breath, she walked toward it, her steps slow and deliberate. She stopped and looked down on the simple encasement. She tried to appease her conscience with the knowledge that Javik was going to pull through just fine. Apparently, he was already feeling well enough to berate the doc on her primitive medical facilities. Still. One casket remained one too many.

“You were there from the first,” she said, her voice barely audible over the _Normandy_ ’s background noise. “Thank you for that. I’m sorry that you didn’t get to enjoy the life you worked so hard to achieve. I know you felt bad about not going up against the Collectors with us, but don’t worry about that. You were where you needed to be, doing what you needed to be doing.” 

Bending over, Shepard pressed her hand to the capsule. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t fast enough, Adams. I’ll do better.”

Shepard alerted to the halting sound of footsteps a moment before Joker spoke. 

“You don’t ever give yourself a break, do you?” He stepped up beside her. 

Shepard just shook her head.

“You know you can’t make yourself personally responsible for everyone who dies before they’re old and wrinkly. You’ll drive yourself insane.” He shrugged. “What good will that do anyone?”

“It’s the burden of command, Joker. The people in my care are my responsibility.”

“And, if you were Jehovah or Shiva or Athame maybe I’d agree with you, but you aren’t.” He let out a grumbling sigh. “Look, I’ll deny this conversation ever took place if you tell anyone, but you’re the best CO and the most loyal friend anyone could ask for. You take way too much of the random bullshit the galaxy tosses at us personally: it’s part of what makes you so amazing, but it’s also going to shred you into bits if you don’t cut it the hell out.”

“Joker....”

“Again with the interrupting.” He turned to her, a sardonic smile on his face, and Shepard knew that they were okay again. “You did the right thing up there, you know? I’m not in love with the aftermath, but you know the whole control option was just the Reapers looking for a way out. You’ve done your part, Shepard. Time to give yourself a break and let yourself have a life.”

Before she could reply, the crew began to arrive, taking places around the casket. When they assembled, she stepped up. 

“I met Greg Adams my first day aboard the _Normandy_ SR1. He made me feel welcome immediately, and I know that I wasn’t the only one. He was a good man, an exceptional officer, and a loyal friend. I will miss him.” Shepard stepped back, opening the floor to the people who knew him best.

Tali cleared her throat, sniffling behind her mask. “I hadn’t met many people on my pilgrimage who saw beyond my suit. Everywhere I went, I was viewed with suspicion at best, called a suit rat and chased off at worst. Even when I came aboard the _Normandy_ , the crew watched me, not sure how to react to me. Adams didn’t even hesitate. He accepted me in engineering immediately. He listened to my suggestions, made me feel useful and valued. I’ll never forget him. He was my friend.” She bent down and pressed her hand to the casket. “Thank you.” She sniffed again and backed away.

“Greg Adams was the finest of men,” Karin Chakwas said from her spot in the middle of the gathering. “He was a good friend, and I loved him. Rest easy, dear friend.”

“He saved us,” Gabby said, sniffling. “He stayed, buying us time to get out.” She and Kenneth walked forward, holding hands, tears running down both their faces. “Thank you,” Gabby said, bending down to kiss the casing. She wiped her face, then turned into Kenneth, wrapping her arms around him. 

When no one else stepped forward, Shepard cleared her throat. “From the stars our bodies are formed; to the stars we return. From the infinite our souls are born; to the infinite we commend the soul of Gregory Adams and ask that he be granted rest.” 

She snapped to attention and saluted, the rest of her crew following suit. The rockets that were attached to the casket fired, speeding it toward the star. After a moment, she completed the salute, then turned to look for her family. 

Lenka reached out for her from Garrus’s arms, wrapping her skinny little arms around Shepard’s neck. Shepard hugged her tight and kissed her cheek.

“How are you doing, kiddo?”

“It’s fine, Shepard.” She laid her head on Shepard’s shoulder.

Hugging the child tight, the admiral closed her eyes. “Mmm, love a good hug moment.”

Garrus reached out and stroked Shepard’s hair, then Lenka’s back. Shepard opened her eyes and looked up at him. She smiled then pulled back from Lenka a little. “Are you okay to stay down here and play with Sophie for a bit, sweetie?”

“Will James be here?”

Looking to the lieutenant, Shepard arched an eyebrow in query. When he nodded, she gave him a grateful nod. She kissed Lenka’s cheek. “You can stay down here with James if you like.”

Lenka nodded and kissed Shepard’s cheek. “I luv yah.”

Shepard grinned and pecked her back. “I luv yah.” She let Lenka down, then reached out for Garrus’s hand. 

He squeezed her fingers, his mandibles fluttering when she nodded toward the elevator. 

Shepard grinned and led the way, neither saying anything until they reached their quarters.

“Come and sit with me for a second,” Shepard said, pulling him toward the bed. “I want to talk to you about something.”

Garrus followed and sat beside her on the end of the bed. His mandibles fluttered again in a smile. “You’re lighter today.” He shrugged, looking awkward, obviously searching for the words. “You’re more here.”

She nodded. “I feel rooted. I can actually feel happy without it being an equal part fear.”

“The whole time I've known you, there’s always been a sadness. You try to hide it from me, which doesn't work, even if I let you think it does.” Garrus cradled Shepard's face between his hands. “Sometimes it lifts, but it never leaves.” He stroked her cheekbones with his thumbs. “It's gotten worse since you came back. Or it had until we found Lenka on that ship.”

Shepard smiled and leaned into his hand. “Yeah.” She sighed and reached up to caress his face, then linked her hands behind his neck. “You make me happy. You do. Before you, I felt like an automaton. I just went through the motions.” Leaning forward, she kissed him then pressed her cheek to his. “And I love you so much that sometimes I quite literally can't breathe.”

She let out a long breath. “The sadness is confusion, mostly. I've nearly died or actually died so many times now, Garrus.” She leaned forward, resting her forehead in the angle between his shoulder and cowl. “Either I have to believe that I've come back all these times, or everything turns into a mess of not knowing what to believe. Last night cleared up a lot of that confusion.”

“Where does the sadness come in, Shepard?” He moved closer, pulling her into him. She settled her head under his chin.

“Being afraid that it's not real, that it could all vanish on me in a heartbeat. There are days I feel like I spend the whole day waiting for something to shatter it like a mirror. The happier I feel, the more afraid I get.”

He nodded, and she knew he didn't know what to say. “But last night gave you a firm footing that you trust?”

“Yes ... and since we found Lenka, she's made us into a family, and it's as wonderful as I hoped it would be.” She pulled back and met his stare. “Watching you two together, seeing how you are with her. She's a miracle, Garrus. The universe dropped a miracle in our laps.”

He nodded, his gaze intense. She knew he was searching for the fear that she'd hidden from him for so long. After a few seconds, he let out a long breath.

Garrus reached up, brushing her hair away from her face. “I see the same thing in you. Suddenly, you can see light and possibility again.” He chuckled. “I like what I see ahead of us now, Shepard.”

“Me too.” She pulled back. “We're going to be out here for who knows how much longer.” She smiled. “I want us to get a head start on this, Garrus. I don't want to wait until we get back to earth and then who knows how much later get settled on Palaven.”

“You mean Mordin's gift?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I do.” She searched his eyes as he reacted to her words, trying to see how he felt before the shields and caution tape went up. It didn't take very long.

“I've been doing a little research into human pregnancy and childbirth since Dr. Chakwas told us about the gift. In nine months or so, we'd have a baby on board the _Normandy_. Even if we make it back to Earth before then, we'd have a baby on board for the trip to Palaven. Six months in, you aren't going to be fighting batarians.” He shook his head and frowned. “It doesn't seem like the best environment or time for us to start a family.”

Shepard stroked the back of his neck. “Yeah, but when will it be, Garrus? A year from now? Two years from now? And good time and place or not, our family has already started. Lenka's not going anywhere, is she?”

He sighed and then chuckled softly. “No, she's not.”

“Exactly. I want to do this, Garrus. We'll figure everything else out as we need to. If I'm too fat to get into my armour in six or seven months, well... you'll have to take my place on missions. Or I'll get fat pregnant lady armour, and you'll be able to snipe the bad guys when they come out to see the really tall volus waddling toward them.”

She grinned at his low chuckle and hugged him, turning her face into the curve of his neck. “I never thought about this sort of thing before you. Not once. Now, the thought of our child, your child, growing inside me... bringing it into the world...” She gave him a shove back onto the bed and straddled his waist, leaning over him, her hands braced against his shoulders. “I want to do that, Vakarian.”

She stared down into his eyes, liking what she saw there. He reached up to touch her face, and she knew he wanted it just as badly as she did.

He took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.”

She bent down and kissed him, her mouth moving passionately over his.

“You know that we can't actually make the baby this way,” he teased, reaching up to trace the contours of her face with gentle fingers.

She nodded. “You're right.” When she moved to swing her leg over and get off of him, he grabbed her and flipped her over on her back, rolling over to pin her to the bed. She grinned and ran her bottom lip between her teeth.

“But,” he said, his voice that low, husky whisper that drove her wild, “we can have an awful lot of fun.” He kissed her neck, the hard tip of his tongue dancing over her skin. His hand tugged her shirt out of the waist of her trousers and slid up underneath, his talons swirling over her belly.

She rolled her eyes back, and closed them, tilting her head to expose her neck, pressing into him. “Mmmm... very tru...”

The door opened. They bolted upright and scrambled down to sit on the edge of the bed. Lenka ran in just ahead of James.

“We're back!”

James walked in a couple of steps and stopped, looking at them with a suspicious frown, his left eyebrow lifting up nearly to his hairline. “And I think we came back up a little too early.”

Lenka ran down the stairs and jumped into Shepard's arms. “What do you mean?” She leaned back and looked at Shepard with a frank stare. “Your hair's messy.”

“He means,” Garrus started, pausing as he searched for something to end the sentence, “that ... it's not quite dinner time, yet.”

James chuckled. “Yeah, that's it, exactly.” He lifted a hand in a casual wave. “See you later, kid.” He stopped at the door and pointed at Shepard and then Garrus. “You two need to hang a sock on the door. I'm just glad we came in at ...” He looked Shepard up and down. “... second base.” He chuckled again and left.

“Thanks, James.” Shepard grinned and settled Lenka in her lap.

He just waved, and the door closed.


	25. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the trail of Balak.

**May 20, 2187**

Shepard rubbed the spot on her arm even though the injection hadn't hurt at all. “So, how many more of these shots before my hormones are ready for action, Doc?”

Dr. Chakwas chuckled warmly. “Yesterday I told you that you had three weeks left, so that would mean you still have twenty days.” She sobered. “I know it's difficult, Shepard, but you really shouldn't get your hopes up. It might take a couple of tries before we're successful. We might never be.”

Hopping down off the table, Shepard nodded. “I know, but I can't help it. I have a really good feeling about this. I have faith in Mordin; he never let me down.” She gave the doctor's arm a friendly squeeze. “See you in twelve hours.”

Mentally running through the tasks she needed to complete that morning, Shepard walked out the med bay door and turned toward the main battery.

Lenka barrelled around the corner from the elevator squealing at the top of her lungs. When she saw Shepard, she launched herself into the admiral's arms, hiding her face in her neck.

“What's going on?” Shepard asked, laughing at the manic giggles coming from the child.

Right then, Kaidan ran around the corner, his face twisted into a grotesque expression, his arms stretched out, hands like claws, back hunched as he roared and made disgusting gobbling noises.

“Kaidan's going to eat me!” Lenka said, squealing again.

“Ah.”

As soon as he saw Shepard, the Major turned bright red and straightened. “Ahhhh, hi, Shepard. We were just ... ahh ...”

“Playing?” Shepard grinned and kissed Lenka's cheek. Setting the child down, she patted her back. “Go kick that old monster’s butt.”

After another sheepish glance at her, Kaidan snapped back into monster mode and charged, only this time, Lenka turned on him and sent him running.

“Did you send your crew roster, Major?” Shepard called after them.

“An hour ago.”

“Thank you.” She watched the pair race around the mess for another couple of minutes, then strode across the room and trotted up the few stairs, heading for the main battery.

“How did your appointment go?” Garrus asked as soon as the door opened.

His question caught Shepard off guard, and she chuckled, walking up behind him to slip an arm around his waist. “Same as the others. I walked in, she scanned me, gave me my shot, and told me not to get my hopes up.”

“But you are anyway?” He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in tight against his side. Letting out a soft, subvocal rumble, he nuzzled her temple.

“Yeah. I can't help it. I'm excited. Terrified too, but mostly excited.”

He gave her a turian smile and his subvocals rumbled again, sending shivers down her spine. She leaned up and kissed him, having learned that particular rumble signified a mixture of love, hope, and family.

She sighed and pulled back. “But, to business. Are the weapons on the cruiser ready to go?”

Nodding, he turned back to his console. “We're running the last tests on them this morning, but the main gun and one GARDIAN are up and functional. They'll be able to hold their own if they hit resistance.”

“Good. Now all we need is a direction to hunt.” She laid her hand on his arm for a moment, then turned and headed out. “See you for lunch?”

“Galley at 1300 hours,” he confirmed just before the door shut behind her.

“Admiral!” Traynor called over her comm. “We finished mining the cruiser's computer and found something.”

Shepard grinned. “Excellent, I'm on my way to the war room.” A break, at last. She double-timed it to the elevator and headed up to the CIC. Tali met her at the door to the war room.

“We found something in their computer about relays, Shepard,” the quarian said, her voice high pitched and excited. “They were ...”

“... looking for inactive relays,” Traynor finished. “TPR is trying to set up a new relay network before the council is capable of moving in and stopping them.”

Tali stepped up beside the comm specialist. “Even though Balak pledged the remaining batarian forces to the war, they never fought in the final battle with the Reapers. They spent all that time searching for relays, setting up bases. There is even something about setting themselves up to take over Cerberus bases as the Alliance took them down. They ...”

“They could be everywhere, Shepard,” Traynor told her, her expression as terrified as Shepard suddenly felt.

Shepard cursed, but then nodded. “Okay, the Alliance and Council need to know this, but meanwhile, can we use any of this information to help us find their base here? Those vessels had to have a base somewhere nearby.” Shepard stepped up to look at Traynor's holograph of the region of space. “You'd said that you'd narrowed things down to a handful of systems. We need to find one with primitive sapient life.”

Traynor frowned. “Primitive sapient life?”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah. The Reapers weren't beginners or amateurs. They would have dormant relays in place in systems where primitive races were developing. Like the Charon Relay—it was there a hell of a long time before we were capable of finding it. If Balak was out here looking for dormant relays, that's where he'll be. Can you narrow your search to systems suitable for sapient life to develop?”

Traynor nodded and set to work. “I'll let you know as soon as I have anything.”

Shepard clapped her on the shoulder. “Excellent work, guys. Excellent work. We might be able to get home sometime this decade. I have a scheduled call on the QEC with Admiral Hackett this evening, so I'll be able to let them know about this. If Balak's moving in on Cerberus resources, we've got a bigger problem than we ever imagined.”

Shepard left the war room and headed up to her quarters, all the implications of what Balak could do with Cerberus resources rampaging in her head. He could tear the galaxy to pieces before the races were in any shape to fight back.

She sat at her desk and forced herself to focus on the work at hand. She brought up the message from Kaidan regarding the crew for his cruiser. The list looked fine until she hit the engineering department. She activated the comm. “Kaidan?”

“Shepard?” The Major's voice sounded breathy, as if he'd stopped chasing a small child just long enough to answer her.

“I'm looking at your crew roster, Major. Most of the list is fine, but I can't let you have both Kenneth and Gabby for engineering. Tali will take over as the _Normandy_ 's chief, but I need one of them to stay.”

“You're going to split them up for four months, Shepard? They're ...” He trailed off into awkward silence.

Shepard sighed and leaned back. “I know, but I can't be without both of them. The other choice is to send Tali with you, but that wouldn't be the best use of her talents, and I might need her for my ground team.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “Let's talk to Ken and Gabby, get their input, then I'll make a final decision.” She chuckled then cleared her throat. “I’m going to send Javik back with you.”

Dead silence then a long sigh. “Roger that.”

“We found information in the cruiser's computer that scares the hell out of me, Alenko. Apparently, while we were showing down with Cerberus and the Reapers, Balak was moving TPR in right behind us, taking over any Cerberus assets we left standing. And he's searching for dormant relays.”

“Won't they have been destroyed along with the rest?”

Shepard shrugged even though he couldn't see her. “I guess we'll find out. I'll need you to stay with us for a bit, though. We have no idea what we'll be flying into, but I'll feel a lot better with the extra ship.”

“Agreed. Okay,” Kaidan let out a heavy sigh. “We'll get as much of her up and running as we can in the meantime.”

“Excellent. Thanks, Major. Shepard out.” She closed the channel and stared up at the collection of ships hanging in her display case. “I could use all of you right about now.” She sighed. Hopefully this new data would give them a target. She hated sitting out in the middle of nowhere with her thumb up her arse.

The door opened and Lenka raced inside. Shepard turned her chair around, grunting a little as twenty kilos of child landed in her lap. Lenka gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

“What are you doing?” the child asked.

“I just got finished talking to Kaidan. Were you two still playing?” Shepard hugged the skinny little body against her and closed her eyes.

Lenka relaxed against her, her cheek resting on Shepard's shoulder. “Yep. He had to go to work, though.”

“Yeah, he's got to get his ship ready to fly.” She let out a long, contented sigh. “After lunch, we can go over to help him. You can bring your letter book and your number book, okay?”

Lenka pulled back, all the animation draining from her face. She let out a comical sigh. “Okay.”

Shepard rubbed her back. “Good girl. You're getting so good at your letters. Pretty soon, you'll be reading me stories before bed.”

Lenka shook her head. “No, it likes when you and Garrus read to it.”

Shepard kissed the child's temple. “Well then, I guess we'll have to keep reading to you.”

Lenka wriggled loose and slipped down off Shepard's lap. “It forgot Jane at breakfast time.” She trotted down the stairs to get her doll then flopped on the couch.

Shepard listened to the child telling her doll all about Kaidan pretending to be a monster for a few minutes, then turned back to her computer, and a great many reports on the repairs to both the _Normandy_ and the cruiser.

One email stood out, from Tali. Frowning, Shepard opened it. Why would Tali send her an email instead of just talking to her?

_“Shepard._

_“I have debated whether or not to discuss this with you, because of how attached you've become to Lenka—how attached we've all become to her—but I can't leave this unsaid. I'm worried that she's a trap. I can't see how, but I'm afraid that Balak has plans for her and that your kindness and affection will come back to hurt you. You've been through so much, and suffered through so much that I hate the idea of anything more hurting you. I feel terrible bringing this up, because I've grown to care about her, and I know you and Garrus love her, but I had to. If something happened and I hadn't told you my concerns, I would feel even worse. You and Garrus are my family. I love you both._

_Tali”_

Shepard closed her eyes and leaned back, her arm slung over her eyes. It wasn't a new thought, but it remained one that she kept closeted away in the 'we'll deal with it when it happens' section of her mind. Try as she might to convince herself that Lenka just happened to survive because her master intended to join her in his panic space, she knew she couldn't dismiss Lenka as coincidence. She dropped her arm and leaned forward to watch Lenka play.

“Whatever hurt is coming along with this package, I'll bear it,” she whispered. She glanced at the time and stood up, stretching.

“Come on, kiddo. We’ve got to meet Garrus for lunch. Bring your books and some paper and crayons.”

Lenka giggled happily at the mention of her crayons and began gathering her school work and art supplies. Sighing, Shepard forwarded Tali’s message to Garrus, then headed down to help Lenka carry her things. Pictures covered the surface of the coffee table several thick. After waking up in the middle of the night to discover Lenka colouring, they started putting her crayons away before bed. The first night had not been an easy one, but Lenka adjusted over the next couple of days, going to bed without a fuss.

“Here, why don’t you let me carry Jane and your datapads,” Shepard suggested, taking some of the pile from Lenka’s arms. She rubbed the child’s back and bent over to kiss the top of her head. “Do you have everything?”

“Yes. It's ready, Shepard.” Lenka looked up and gave the admiral a bright smile.

“Then let’s get down there before all the muffins are gone from this morning. Those were good.” Shepard ushered her through to the elevator.

“They were. Can it have its with butter again?” Lenka pressed the control to take them down two decks.

“Of course. I don’t think it’s even legal to eat a bran muffin without butter. I wouldn’t want to have to throw you in the brig.”

Lenka rolled her eyes. “The _Normandy_ doesn’t even have a brig, Shepard. You’re being silly.”

“Oh well, I’m sorry, Miss Serious.” Shepard bumped her gently with her hip.

Lenka bumped her back and giggled.

Garrus met them in the galley, their lunches already prepared. Shepard kissed his cheek.

“You’re the very best semi-bonded, turian fiance of them all.” Shepard set Lenka’s datapads and papers under her chair, then set the child up with her lunch.

Garrus sat next to Shepard. “I read Tali’s email.”

Shepard nodded, but reached over to cut Lenka’s muffin in half and butter it for her.

“It’s not something we’ve talked about since we found her, but I think it’s occurred to both of us,” he continued. He put his arm around Shepard’s shoulders and nuzzled her temple. “We’ll deal with whatever it is when it happens, yes?”

Shepard nodded and leaned into him. “We don’t really have any other option. She’s worth it.”

He nodded. “She is.” He rubbed Shepard’s back. “So, Kaidan ran through the main battery talking way too fast about some clues on where TPR’s base is?”

“Yeah. Turns out Balak decided not to bother helping with the final fight against the Reapers. Instead, he followed the Alliance around, taking over any Cerberus asset that we didn’t blow to hell.”

Garrus muttered a turian curse.

“Yeah, it gets better. He’s searching for dormant mass relays. He wants to set up a route around the Council relays, get a jump up on everyone else. I have Traynor looking for systems capable of developing sapient life that correlate with her work on the wormholes. I hope she finds something soon. I don’t want to give Balak a bigger head start than he already has.”

“Going to need the cruiser as close to full power as we can get her if there is a chance of a real fire fight when we get there.”

“Shepard.” Lenka tugged at the admiral’s sleeve.

“What is it, baby?” Shepard put her arm around the child.

“Pertexa,” the child said, looking up with an expectant expression on her face.

Shepard frowned. “What’s Pertexa, sweetie?”

“Its Master said that was what the angry man was looking for. It didn’t mean to listen, but it had to serve the food for the angry man and the Master.” She gave Shepard a hopeful smile.

“Did the angry man look like this?” Shepard brought up a holo of Balak on her omni-tool.

Lenka shrugged. “He looked like the Master, but it wasn’t supposed to stare at the Master’s guests. The Master beat it when it looked or listened too much.”

Shepard kissed the top of her head. “I understand. Did you hear anything else?”

“No, just that the angry man wanted something called Pertexa. The picture looked like a giant bird. It was pretty.” She set into her muffin.

When Shepard looked to Garrus, he shrugged and shook his head. It was a longshot, but it couldn’t hurt to look into it.

“Traynor?” Shepard called, opening a comm channel.

“Commander?”

“None of the systems you are looking at would happen to be in a nebula that looks like a giant bird, would they?”

“Ummm, let me get to the galaxy map and plot them. I’ll get back to you.”

“Thanks, Sam. Shepard out.” She bent down and kissed the top of Lenka’s head. The child might be a trap, but it might be that Balak had given them an unintended source of information as well.

The admiral turned her attention to her lunch. With any luck, they’d have a target by the end of the day, and they’d need the cruiser as functional as possible if a reception committee awaited them at the other end.

When they finished their lunch, all three of them headed over to the batarian ship.

“I might be able to get another GARDIAN up and running,” he told her. “Can’t hurt to have another big gun.”

Shepard kissed him and headed down to engineering. She set Lenka up on a crate with her school work, then dug into the electrical systems, replacing components fried in the fight.

Nearly an hour later, Traynor called her back. “Admiral, one of the systems is in the Miripelia Nebula. It looks sort of like a bird.”

“And that’s the only one?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay. Is the star a possibility for sapient life?”

“Yes, ma’am, it’s a mid K star with a system of seven planets, three within the HZ.”

“How far away is the system?”

“Nineteen days, Admiral.”

“Good enough. Okay, as soon as the cruiser is ready to move, we have our target. Thank you, Sam. Shepard out.” The admiral finished what she was doing, then opened a comm channel to Kaidan.

“When can we have this bucket ready to move, Major?”

“It’s ready to move now, Shepard. We’re still three days from having all the systems hooked into the VI, but navigation, life support, shields, engines, weapons are all online.”

“Excellent. See what you can get done by 0900 tomorrow, and get your crew moved over, Major.”

“Yes, ma’am. We’re going to need to have that talk with Gabby and Kenneth.”

Shepard sighed and nodded. “Yeah, they’re both here in engineering. When will you be free to join us?”

“I’ll be down in five. Alenko, out.”

Shepard looked over to where the two engineers worked on restoring the power control systems. She hated to break them up, but her other choice was to send Tali. She chuckled at her inability to see the _Normandy_ functioning without the quarian. “I’m getting as superstitious as Joker.”

After getting Lenka off to a grumbling start on her math, Shepard met Kaidan and they headed over to talk to Gabby and Kenneth.

“Admiral? Major?” Kenneth said, turning from his work to face them, a comical expression of suspicion on his face.

“Hi, guys,” Shepard said. “Can we talk to you for a couple of minutes?”

“Of course, Admiral.” Gabby turned off her omni-tool. “What’s up?”

Kaidan cleared his throat. “Gabby, I need you to take the Chief Engineer position on this ship for the trip back to Earth.”

“But, I need to keep you with the _Normandy_ , Kenneth,” Shepard said. “We don’t like the idea of separating you, but losing Adams has limited our options.”

“Of course, Admiral,” Kenneth said, but he looked to Gabby.

Gabby remained silent for a moment, then nodded. “I understand, Admiral.” She looked over, meeting Kenneth’s stare. “But, umm, do you think you could marry us before we go?”

Kenneth looked startled for a second at that, forcing Shepard to hide a laugh under a cough, but then he nodded. “Are you sure, Gabby?”

She nodded and reached out to give his hand a squeeze. “Yeah, I am.” The engineer looked back to Shepard. “Ma’am?”

“Of course, I’d be honoured to. We’re heading out tomorrow morning, but the cruiser will be sticking with us for the next nineteen days.” She considered her options. “We’ll keep the two of you with the cruiser until the night before we reach our destination, and have your wedding that evening, okay?”

“Thank you, Shepard,” Gabby replied. “That sounds perfect.”

“Aye,” Kenneth agreed. “Thank you, Admiral.”

“Of course. Okay, back to work. We’ve got nineteen days to get this ship ready for the trip to Earth.” She clapped them both on the shoulder, then headed back to her work.

“Your first marriage ceremony,” Kaidan said, grinning.

Shepard chuckled. “I know, I’m going to have to hit the Alliance captain’s manual, study up so I don’t make a fool of myself.” She pulled a circuit board from its housing. “Meanwhile, this hunk of junk is still barely halfway to functional.”

Kaidan laughed and gave her a sloppy salute. “Message received. Alenko returning to his duties, ma’am.”

“Why haven’t I installed a brig even after all these years of insubordination?” She nodded her head toward the exit. “Move along, Major. There’s nothing to see here.”

Shepard spent the rest of the afternoon repairing the cruiser’s secondary shield buffers, losing herself in the comforting routine of working with her hands. A great many years had passed since Akuze and her permanent move away from being an actual engineer to being a combat engineer.

“Admiral?” Traynor’s voice interrupted Shepard’s focus on her work. “Admiral Hackett is available on the QEC. He asked that Garrus and Commandant Vakarian be there as well.”

“Okay, on my way. Can you let the commandant know?”

“Of course, Shepard. Traynor out.”

Shepard gathered up Lenka and all her materials, then called Garrus to let him know and headed back to the _Normandy_. She set Lenka up with her crayons on the stairs and strode into the comm room.

She smiled and saluted as Admiral Hackett appeared. “Hello, sir. It’s good to see you.”

“And you, Admiral.” He returned her salute. “How are things out in the ass-end of nowhere?”

“Actually, we’ve caught a break, sir.” She filled him in on everything they had discovered from the cruiser’s computer and Lenka. She watched his expression grow more and more concerned as she spoke.

“TPR could be anywhere,” he said when she finished.

“Yes, sir. We’re heading out at 0900 hours tomorrow, but we’ll be in transit nineteen days. At least we’ll have an extra ship if we meet resistance at the other end.” She sighed. “I’m missing the relays like hell right now, sir.”

He nodded. “You’ll be dropping out of FTL just outside maximum scanner range and going in silent?”

“Yes, sir. I’m not taking any chances. I’m going to go in with the _Normandy_ alone, although I don’t have as much faith in our stealth technology as I had. They knew our position with uncomfortable precision when we entered this part of space. Still, I’ll leave the cruiser out of scanning range, do some recon, and then call it in if we need it. Hopefully, it will give us some surprise on our side.”

Hackett nodded. “I know you’ll get it done, Shepard.”

Shepard glanced behind her as Herros and Garrus walked in. She gave them a quick smile, then turned back to Hackett.

“Any better estimate on the relay repairs, Admiral?” she asked, giving him a crooked smile. “Sure would like a quick way home.”

“The relay here is about fifty percent repaired, but it’s going to be another year or so. Sorry, Shepard.” Hackett shifted to lean back on his hip. “How is your crew dealing with the confinement?”

“Morale is surprisingly high, sir. We’ve had a few frayed tempers and shoving matches, but on the whole, my people are dealing with it really well. Instead of getting impatient and short with each other, they seem to be going the other way and bonding.”

He nodded. “The _Normandy_ crew has always been more of a family than a military unit. We’re having minor issues on the other vessels on patrol between the colonies, but on the whole, morale is higher than I would have expected.” He let out a sigh. “I’ll fill everyone in and send them copies of your reports regarding the TPR. It’s going to scare the hell out of everyone.”

“Yes, sir.”

“But, right now, I have someone else here who wants to have a chance to talk to you, so I’ll turn the comm over to her. Take care, Shepard. I’ll talk to you this time next week.”

Shepard saluted. “Yes, sir. Take care, sir.”

Hackett stepped away from the QEC, replaced by a familiar face.

Shepard smiled wide. “Sol! Wow, look at you!”

Garrus and his father stepped up with Shepard.

“Hey!” Sol replied, leaning heavily on crutches. “Look at me, standing on my own two feet again and everything.”

“Solana,” Herros said, his mandibles fluttering. “You’re looking well.”

She nodded. “Hi, Dad. Yeah, I’m doing great. Up and causing as much trouble as I can.” She chuckled and nodded to Garrus. “Hey, Twig.”

Garrus smiled. “Looking good, Stretch. You’ve been keeping secrets.”

The turian grinned. “More than one.” She chuckled. “I’m moving out of the hospital next week. Moving into the civilian barracks. The doctor’s seem to think that I can be trusted as long as I have a live-in chaperone.”

“That’s great.” Shepard shook her head. “But, I’m not sure a chaperone is enough.”

Sol’s expression became what Shepard could only describe as mischievous. “It’s okay, she and I have our hands full planning your wedding.”

“What?” Garrus pressed in tight behind Shepard. “Stretch, what are you up to?”

Sol just shrugged.

“Wait.” Shepard shook her head. “I have a turian and her roommate planning my wedding? Suddenly, I’m very afraid.” She laughed.

“You like flowers, right? And ribbons? And fancy dresses?”

Shepard winced. “No. Please tell me you’re joking.”

Sol just shrugged. “You’ll find out two days after you get back. We have everything organized so that we can put it together whenever you manage to get your asses back here.” She giggled. “Wait til you see your dress. One of the ladies in the refugee camp was a dressmaker before the war. She’s making the most amazing dress.”

“Wait! Hold on!” Shepard held out her hands, beseeching. “Dress? What are you two basing this wedding on? Your vast knowledge of human wedding ceremonies?” She looked at Garrus, pleading. “She’s your sister … can’t you do something?”

“My roommate found a ton of magazines cleaning up the Citadel. And she found a bunch of other great stuff. You’re going to have the most amazing wedding. Trust us. It’ll be awesome.”

“In the traditional sense of awesome, I’m sure,” Shepard said, letting out a long, resigned sigh. “Please just don’t turn me into a giant ball of taffeta or something. Have that much mercy on me.”

Sol bristled. “How could you think I would do anything that made you look silly? I’m deeply wounded.” She chuckled.

“Yeah, ending that with an evil chuckle really gives me confidence.” Shepard turned to Lenka. “Lenka, sweetie, come here for a second. I want you to meet someone.”

“Okay, Shepard.” The child got up and trotted over.

Shepard picked her up and settled her on her hip. “Lenka, this is Solana, Garrus’s sister.” She looked up at the holograph of Solana. “Sol, this is Lenka. We found her on the wrecked transport.”

Lenka looked curiously at the projection. “Hello.”

Sol’s mandibles fluttered. “Well, hello there, Lenka. I’m glad to meet you.”

Lenka looked from Sol to Herros and back. “You’re Papa’s little girl?”

“Papa?” Sol laughed and nodded. “Yeah, I sure am. I take it that means I have a niece?”

Shepard sighed, touching her brow to Lenka’s temple. “Yeah, I guess it does.”

Sol looked at Garrus, her mandibles spreading in a wide, turian grin. “Twig … wow … I never would have thought it.”

Garrus sighed. “Get it out of your system, Stretch.”

She sobered a little. “No, I really am glad for you, Garrus.” She looked over her shoulder. “They’re starting to make wrap it up hand signals at me, so I guess the rest of the teasing will have to wait a week.” She lifted a hand. “Take care of each other out there, you guys, and come back soon.”

Shepard blew a kiss. “Take care, yourself. We’ll talk to you next week.”

Herros stepped forward. “It’s good to see you looking so well, Solana.”

“And you, Dad. Take care of our family. I’ll see you all in a week.”

The comm turned off.

Shepard stared at the place where Sol had been for a few seconds, then kissed Lenka and let her down. “Gather up your books and papers, sweetie. We’re heading up to the cabin.”

Garrus wrapped an arm around Shepard’s waist. “I’ll bring up dinner for four?” He looked up at his father.

Herros nodded. “I’ll come help you.” He paused to nuzzle Shepard, then headed out, laying a hand on Lenka’s back as he passed her.

Shepard watched them leave and sighed. “Yeah, tough and totally unloving those turians.” She chuckled, but then the smile bled off her face as she thought back on the conversation. “Dear lord. I have two lunatics planning my wedding.” She closed her eyes as visions of crinolines, corsets, and tulle flashed before her. “Oh god, this could end very, very badly.”


	26. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty Five

**June 7, 2187**

“Okay, so what do our long range scans tell us?” Shepard paced back and forth between her console and the stairs to the QEC. She paused to run a loving hand over Lenka’s back. The child looked up from her colouring and smiled. 

“There’s no ships in space at all unless they’re using stealth, Shepard,” Tali said, activating the holo-image of the system. “There’s indigenous life on the fourth planet. The people seem to be tribal. The population is scattered in many small pockets, and there’s no sign of technology, except in this one area.” She zoomed in on a large compound, partially built into a mountain.

“A research base, maybe?” Shepard leaned against her console. “No doubt, it’s the base that Cerberus built, but it’s not one the Alliance even knew about let alone attacked. Not sure how the Cerberus forces here would have been taken out.” She shrugged and rolled her shoulders.. “Not that it matters. Okay, so what do we know about the base?”

“There is an spacecraft hangar here.” Tali highlighted the section of the base.“ There are four transport ships on the ground in the hangar, but no sign of any warships.” She highlighted another section of the base. “This area appears to be a dormitory or cells. There are a lot of people in a small space. They’re a mix of the planet’s indigenous population and pretty much everyone else: asari, salarian, turian, human, hanar, elcor, krogan.” She grumbled. “I’ve also got a lot of readings here that don’t conform to any species. Knowing Cerberus … Kee’lah.”

Shepard let out a long, hissing breath. “We’ve seen how badly they can corrupt and subvert science. Things could be ugly down there.”

“We’re going to need multiple teams, send them to every point of ingress,” Garrus said. “Come at them from all angles if we’re going to have to be fighting our way through their nightmares.”

Shepard nodded, but looked back to Tali and gestured for her to continue.

“The front section here,” she said, “is a garden area inside a thirty metre tall wall that surrounds the exposed sides of the complex. There are scattered lifeforms in the garden area and through the offices right behind it. There’s a large laboratory section behind the offices and what appears to be another dormitory area, but there’s nothing alive in there.”

“Okay.” Shepard pushed herself away from the console. “How many entrances do we have?”

“Five.” Tali highlighted them. “One at either end of the docking bay, one into the living quarters, the front entrance and one into what looks like a decon area for the labs. All of them have a corresponding gate in the main wall. There are scattered lifeform readings throughout the area inside the wall.”

“Does the base have power?” Shepard started pacing again.

“Yes.”

“Okay. Five teams. I’ll take Alpha in the front door. Garrus, you’ll bring Bravo in the lab entrance. Tali, Charlie will come in the living quarters. James and Commandant Vakarian can bring Delta and Echo in the docking bay. If that’s okay with you, sir?” Shepard met Herros’s eyes. She wanted someone with his experience at taking in and assessing a crime scene.

“Of course, Admiral.” He gave her a resolute nod.

“Excellent, thank you. Garrus, can you see to the team assignments? I’ll take Liara with me to go through the computers. Assign two extra bodies to my team so that I can leave her with bodyguards.”

Garrus nodded.

“Okay, now … the relay. It’s active?”

Tali changed the view to the relay. “It is.” 

Shepard looked up at Kaidan. “We’ll use the cruiser to keep an eye on the relay while we secure the base. Once we’re on the ground, the _Normandy_ will take point at the relay. We’ll deal with it and whatever is on the other side once we’ve got things nailed down. One thing at a time.” She smiled. “And, taking things by the numbers, our first order of business is a happy one.”

“Gabby and Kenneth’s wedding will be in the galley at 1700 hours, followed by a supper that I’ve been assured actually resembles food. We’ll be flying in first thing in the morning, so it’ll be a dry party. Sorry about that, folks.” She chuckled. “All right. Dismissed. See you in a couple of hours.”

Garrus walked around the projector to stand by her side. “No ships in orbit. Almost no guards on the grounds.” He grumbled and shook his head. “They’ve moved out.”

“Or they’re all on the other side of that relay waiting for confirmation that we’re on the ground. If he doesn’t attack when we go ground-side, he’s gone. He’ll have left no trace of where he’s gone and a big enough mess that by the time we get it cleaned up we might as well just go home.” Shepard leaned her hip against her console. “How are we supposed to find him when he’s always going to be months ahead of us? While we sat around, then took three weeks to get here, he’s pulled out everything he gives a shit about. We’ll never find him even once the relays are back up.”

“We’ll catch up with him, Shepard.” Garrus wrapped his arm around her. “He’s stopped appearing in your dreams since that night, right?”

“Yeah, the nightmares have been coming further and further apart as well.” She rolled her neck and dropped her shoulders, trying to relax a little. “Well, we dropped long range probes along our route, so hopefully he’ll use his ERC, and we can trace him from that.” She let out a bitter chuckle. “You know ... if he doesn’t bring the entire batarian fleet through the relay once our boots are on the ground.” She leaned into him. “You got the second GARDIAN up over there?”

“Yeah, and all the weapons are tied into the VI, so Kaidan will be able to conduct the entire battle from the bridge if he needs to.” He nuzzled her temple. “I’m going to head over to do some simulations, but I’ll be back by 1630.”

She turned to kiss him and nodded. After watching him leave, Shepard looked to the holo of the Cerberus base. The mass of lifeforms in the two areas weren’t moving around much, which meant cells, or that they were incapacitated in some way. Neither option gave her much hope. 

Turning her back on the projection, she held her hand out to Lenka. “Come on, sweetie, let’s go get ready for Ken and Gabby’s party.”

The child put all her crayons away while Shepard gathered up her papers. Slipping her hand into the admiral’s, she looked up and gave Shepard a bright smile. “I finished the picture I was making for Garrus.”

Shepard grinned. “Wonderful. I’m sure he’ll love it. You’ve been working really hard on it.”

Lenka let out a dramatic sigh and nodded. “Do you think he’ll ever finish his so we can see it?”

Shepard laughed as they walked out of the war room. “I’m beginning to think there’s no picture there at all. I think he just pretends to be working on one.”

Lenka shook her head, her expression earnest. “No, there’s a picture. It’s going to be beautiful.”

Shepard squeezed the child’s hand. “I’m sure it will be.” When they stepped into the elevator, Shepard nodded for Lenka to go ahead and press the control. Arriving in their cabin, Shepard led Lenka over to the chair at her desk and lifted her into her lap.

“Do you need a hug moment, Shepard?” the child asked, already wrapping her arms around the admiral’s neck.

“I sure do, sweetie.” Shepard hugged her tight. “Oh yeah, that’s so much better.” She closed her eyes and rubbed Lenka’s back. “So, do you want to see if your blue dress fits to wear tonight or do you want to go more casual?” She let out a long breath, relaxing down into the chair.

Lenka laid her head on Shepard’s shoulder and shrugged. “It should wear the blue dress, because Kaidan said he was going to teach it how to dance.”

Shepard stifled a chuckle at the serious, matter-of-fact tone. “Definitely. If dancing is involved, a lady needs to dress appropriately.” She pulled back a little, letting Lenka settle onto her knee. “I think you should save the first dance for Garrus, though. The big guy is a heck of a dancer.”

Lenka nodded. “Okay.” She hopped down and trotted down to the closet. “It doesn’t have any shoes to wear with a dress, Shepard.”

“We’ll look through the crate. There’s probably something that will work in there.” She turned to her computer and downloaded the Alliance’s standard wedding ceremony to a datapad before heading down the stairs.

She dragged the crate of scavenged supplies out of the corner and opened it up. The crew had set aside anything that looked like it would fit, resulting in about ten pairs of shoes that would work with a dress. “We’re in luck, kiddo.”

They were both dressed and ready when Garrus walked in at 1630.

Lenka ran up to him and spun around. “Look, Garrus!” She beamed up at him.

“What happened to Lenka?” he asked, looking up at Shepard. “Who’s this young lady?”

Lenka giggled. “It’s just dressed up, silly.”

He picked her up and nuzzled her cheek. “You look beautiful, pretty eyes.”

Lenka beamed. “Thank you.” She frowned and leaned back to look at him. “You’re dirty. You need to get cleaned up.”

He chuckled and nuzzled her again before setting her down. “So I do.”

Shepard watched them, smiling softly to herself. Over the weeks, they’d bonded with a strength that amazed her. It was a beautiful thing to witness. Lenka followed him round every moment she could. In fact, Shepard was pretty sure that Lenka could calibrate the _Normandy_ ’s weapons just as well as Garrus after three weeks of hanging over his arm and off his every word.

“Hey.” Garrus ran his talons through her hair, then cupped her cheek in his palm. 

She smiled and turned to kiss his hand. “Hey.” Shepard nodded toward the shower. “You better get cleaned up.”

He bent down and kissed her before grabbing his suit out of the closet and heading for the washroom.

Shepard spent the time going over the ceremony, making tweaks while watching Lenka dance around the cabin with her doll. 

_“It just keeps getting more perfect, doesn’t it, Shepard?”_ Balak laughed, his voice growing to a roar in her head as pain and the smell of frozen metal stabbed through her brain.

She dropped her hand, taking slow, deep breaths as Garrus emerged from the washroom. Closing her eyes, she forced the pain and the sound of Balak’s laughter out of her head.

“Shepard?” The bed lowered beside her and Garrus’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. He pressed his mouth to her temple. “Just breathe through it,” he whispered. 

“Admiral?” Traynor called on the comm.

“Yes, Specialist?” Garrus answered for her.

“We just picked up another series of wormholes, sir. The base below us was the final destination.”

“Yeah, we know, Traynor. Thank you. You better get moving or you’re going to be late for the party.”

Sam laughed. “Can’t have that. Traynor out.”

Shepard took a long, shuddering breath and leaned against Garrus’s side. “I just want to go back to Earth … get as far away from him as possible,” she whispered. “Well, as a second choice to putting a bullet through his head.”

He nodded and hugged her close. “Yeah. What did he say?”

“Just the usual. It’s all too perfect.” Shepard took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “It’s okay, my shields are keeping the worst at bay.” She opened her eyes and turned to kiss his cheek. “Come on, let’s go do something fun for a bit.”

He took her hand and stood, pulling her up with him. “That’s a very good idea.”

The crew had already assembled when they arrived in the mess. Shepard grinned and shook her head at the sea of dress blues. “Who knew you would all clean up so well?” She teased, bypassing the crowd to head for the med bay.

Gabby spun around as Shepard entered, her hands shaking so hard that she dropped the hand mirror she’d been using to touch up her make up. “Oh, Admiral …” She giggled. “I’m a bit nervous.”

Shepard chuckled and gave her a gentle, one-armed hug. “I understand completely.” She stepped back. “You look lovely.”

“I’ve been telling her,” Tali said from behind Gabby, “but she just asked what someone who lived behind a mask would know about makeup.” The quarian laughed. “I tried to be insulted, but she’s right.”

“Well, I might not wear a lot of it, but I know that yours is flawless,” Shepard said, laughing softly. “You ladies just about ready in here?”

“Just about,” Gabby said, gasping a little. “Just have to remember to breathe.” She gripped Shepard’s arm suddenly. “I’m not doing something stupid, am I? I mean... it’s Kenneth.”

Shepard smiled and took Gabby’s hands in hers. “He may have talked like a dog, but he’s never been anywhere but with you, even before he admitted how he felt. You two were meant to be together. I know that with complete certainty.”

Gabby took a long, deep breath and nodded. “Right.” She sighed, her shoulders dropping. “You’re right. Okay. I’m ready.”

Shepard squeezed Gabby’s hands, then turned to the door. “I’ll go make sure Kenneth is still breathing, then meet you out there.” 

Kenneth was in Liara’s quarters hyperventilating when Shepard crossed the mess and entered. He gave her a pained smile then groaned and leaned against the computer cores along the wall. “Oh god, I think I’m going to pass out.”

Shepard chuckled and patted his shoulder. “You’ll be fine once you get out there and look into her eyes.”

“Have you seen her, Shepard?” he asked. “Has she changed her mind? She has, hasn’t she? Aye, she has. She’s too good for the likes of me.”

Shepard sighed. “No, she hasn’t changed her mind. Breathe deep and relax. You’re going to be fine. You two belong together, and you know it. Who else would put up with you?” She chuckled, finally drawing a weak smile from him. “Come up, straighten up, smooth the wrinkles, take a deep breath and let’s get this done.” She gave him another pat on the back. “I’ll see you out there in a minute.”

Shepard waited until she got an affirmation from him, then headed out, walking up to stand at the top of the stairs.

“They going through with it?” someone called.

Shepard laughed. “I’m pretty sure.” Sure enough, a moment later, Kenneth walked out, Liara and Traynor supporting him with hands on his shoulders. She waved to him. “Come on, get up here and smile. You’re marrying an amazing woman.”

Chuckling, he straightened, his shaking calming to a trembling. “Aye, Admiral. That I am.”

A moment later, Gabby and Tali walked out. When Gabby and Kenneth looked at one another, they both took a deep breath and calmed … a little. 

Shepard gave them both a wide smile and a nod, then lifted the datapad.

The words came out almost on their own, Shepard’s focus on the reactions of the bride and groom and her crew. She watched Garrus throughout, quick glances confirming that he never took his eyes off her. At one point, a stray, unwanted thought bolted through her mind that as he watched that wedding, he was thinking theirs might be a mistake. The thought fled the moment their eyes met. Nothing but love stared back at her. Suddenly, she wanted to get back to Earth yesterday, and to swear their vows, even if it meant being swaddled in tulle and covered in flowers and bows. She reached up to touch the spot on her collarbone where he’d marked her.

Shepard took a deep breath as she reached the end of the ceremony and smiled at the newlyweds. “Unless anyone can show due cause to halt this union, I declare this marriage sealed.” She waited a second, then gave Kenneth the nod. “Go ahead, kiss your bride.”

They kissed and the crew moved in to congratulate them. Shepard looked up as Garrus climbed the stairs to wrap an arm around her. She turned to kiss him. 

“Did you spend the entire ceremony imagining us alone after our wedding, tearing one another’s clothes off, or was that just me?” he whispered in her ear.

Shepard chuckled. “I don’t think they’ll miss us for a bit after dinner. We can get in some practice.”

He kissed her, whispering against her lips, “Remember to hang a sock on the door.”

Shepard wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. “You’re so bad, Vakarian.”

He laid his cheek against her hair and just held her, his one hand lifting to press against the spot on her collarbone.

Lenka ran up to them, jumping into Shepard’s arms as the admiral reached down for her. “There’s cake for supper, Shepard!” the child giggled. “It’s never had cake before.”

Shepard hugged the child, settling her on her hip. “We’re going to have to change that when we get settled in our home on Palaven. Cake for supper at least once a week.” She kissed Lenka’s cheek.

The child pulled back to look at Shepard, then Garrus. “You want to keep it? Take it to live with you?” 

The earnest disbelief on her face broke Shepard’s heart. She smiled and pulled Lenka into a tight hug, kissing her cheek. “You aren’t going anywhere, kiddo. You’re stuck with us. If you’ll have us, of course.”

Lenka threw her arms around Shepard’s neck and squeezed so tight that she nearly cut off the admiral’s airway. “Yes! It wants to stay with you and Garrus.” She pulled away and gave Shepard a sloppy kiss, then held her arms out to Garrus. When he took her, she hugged him and gave him an equally sloppy kiss on the cheek. She giggled, the sound bordering on a squeal, then wriggled. “Let me down, Garrus. I have to go tell Papa.”

Garrus set her down, then pulled Shepard back into his arms as the child ran off to find Herros. “Guess we sort of forgot to tell her, huh?”

Shepard nodded and rested her head between his cowl and shoulder. “I guess we did.” Shepard let out a half sob, half laugh. “She called herself ‘I’.”

He nodded. “Come on, let’s get the social obligation portion of the evening over with so we can get to the rolling around naked portion.”

Shepard just shook her head and headed down the stairs to congratulate her engineers. 

Dinner comprised mostly of rowdy conversation while people milled around, trays in hand. The mood was light and optimistic, perfect for the night before battle. With so many teams and so many per team, a lot of the _Normandy_ crew who didn’t normally see battle would be suiting up. She wanted them going in as calm as possible considering all the nightmares they could be facing.

Shepard found a place to sit and eat, holding Lenka on her lap while the child wolfed down what was a really good lasagna and then her very first cake. When she finished, Shepard wiped the coloured frosting from her face, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“Was the cake good?” she asked, hugging the child close.

Lenka nodded and grinned. “It was so good.” She looked longingly over at the counter at the rest of it.

“We’ll take a piece upstairs later, okay?” Shepard kissed her. “You’re just too adorable, and I luv yah.” She sighed as Lenka relaxed into her arms. “You going to ask the big guy to dance once the music starts?”

Giving Shepard two firm nods, Lenka sat up, searching for Garrus in the crowded mess. “Then Kaidan.”

“Can you dance with Kaidan, Papa, and James for a while later? Garrus and I are going to go upstairs early.”

Lenka turned to frown at her, but nodded. “Okay, but make sure Kaidan knows about the cake.”

Shepard laughed. “Definitely.”

Lenka wriggled loose a few minutes later and ran off into the crowd, talking to everyone--about the cake, no doubt. And dancing. Eyes burning a little as they teared up, Shepard cursed the weeks of hormone treatments. They hadn’t helped the fragility of her emotional state. Still, in three days, she and Garrus would get their first shot at seeing Mordin’s gift come to fruition. That made putting up with some mood swings more than worth it.

Music started through the comm system, and Shepard stood, making her way back up to the top of the stairs. 

“I believe it’s customary for the bride and groom to start off the first dance of the evening.” She waved Ken and Gabby forward as the rest of the crew cleared a spot in the center of the room. As they took one another in their arms and danced their first dance as husband and wife, Shepard thought back to meeting them for the first time.

“It’s been a long, crazy road,” she whispered. “A long, crazy road.”

When the music changed, more couples joined the dancing, and Shepard stepped off behind the galley counter, watching as Lenka ran up to Garrus. He laughed and picked her up, swinging her around before settling her in his arms and taking her hand. Smiling, Shepard squinted against the bright lights that shone over them, the _Normandy_ seeming to wrap close around them, a comforting, protective presence as alive in that moment as the people it sheltered.

The rest of the dancers faded into blurs of movement at the edges of her vision, her eyes only for the man she loved and the child in his arms. Shepard blinked back tears yet again, not blaming the hormones that time.

All the times that she’d thought about their family starting when they reached Palaven, or even once they’d used Mordin’s gift … She smiled softly. How had she not seen that it stood right before her, that it had manifested even out there in the middle of nothing? There, in that tiny metal cocoon, her life and her dreams had already arrived.

Garrus looked her way, met her eyes, then bent close to Lenka, whispering in her ear. After a second, Lenka nodded then grinned and turned, holding her hand out to Shepard. 

The admiral smiled, swallowing the lump of emotion swelling in her throat, then walked over to them, stepping into their arms. She tucked one hand around Lenka’s skinny little waist, the other around Garrus, laying her head against his chest. He pressed his cheek to the top of her head, and she half-closed her eyes, relaxing into the sweet, perfect moment.

Time slowed, the world outside the solid warmth of their arms, fading into a watercolour patchwork landscape of bright, streaked colours and soft music that swirled around them. The music changed around them, but none of them moved, all unwilling to break the moment. Shepard’s heart pounded, stronger and faster as time passed, her body warning her of the inevitable long before Kaidan cleared his throat behind them.

Shepard let out a soft sigh and leaned in to kiss Lenka’s cheek. “I luv yah,” she whispered.

Lenka kissed her back. “I luv yah.”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Kaidan said, “but someone promised me a dance.”

Smiling, Shepard nodded. Garrus lowered Lenka to the floor without releasing his hold on Shepard. When they watched her run off, dragging Kaidan behind her, Garrus pulled her back into his arms, pressing himself against her.

“Mmmm.” She hugged him, fitting herself in against him, tucking her head under his chin. “Could stay right here for about … forever.” 

He rubbed her back. “We could do this a lot closer upstairs.”

“Yeah.” She pulled back a little and kissed him, then slipped her hand down to hold his, pulling him toward the elevator.

“So, what do you need, Lola? Two hours? An hour and a half? Twenty minutes?” James shouted across the mess.

Shepard stared at Vega, her mouth hanging open, stunned into silence. After gasping, mortified, for a few seconds, she managed to growl. “I’m going to kill him.”


	27. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just need to surrender.

**June 7, 2187**

Shepard let out a sharp bark of a laugh. “Expect retribution, Vega. Expect it to be painful. Very, very painful.” She walked a few steps, then turned back. “Give us at least three hours … and then knock.”

“Wow ... good stamina, Scars. I’ll look forward to your revenge, Lola … so worth it to see you turn that colour.” As he chuckled to himself, it amazed Shepard that his over-wide, self-congratulatory grin didn’t make his face seize solid.

“He’s your crew,” Garrus said and sighed, squeezing her hand as she set out for the elevator again.

“Yeah, probational crew with the possibility of being spaced looming over him,” she grumbled, a slight smile softening her words.

Shepard led the way into their quarters, heading straight for the environment controls, turning the lights down until the blue glow of the fish tank took over, washing everything in a shimmering blanket of serenity.

Garrus walked up behind her, taking her hand and pulling her into his arms. Reaching up, Shepard laced her fingers behind his neck and rested her head against his chest. “I thought the idea was to do this with a lot less between us.” She brushed her cheek against the satiny fabric of his tunic and closed her eyes, breathing in the intoxicating cloves and myrrh scent of him. 

He pulled his gloves off and slipped his fingers into her hair, stroking the curls, his touch soothing, almost reverent. “Yeah, and then I couldn’t wait any longer.” He chuckled, his breath warm against her ear. “It’s a long trip up from the crew deck.”

Smiling, Shepard nodded. “Too long sometimes.” Her hands glided over his neck, her fingers caressing their way down to undo his tunic. “But, I want my hands on you, Vakarian.” Unclasping the last of the fasteners, she slipped her hands inside, running over the smooth, warm plates of his chest. She pushed the fabric off his shoulders and leaned in, brushing her lips over the taut skin of his shoulder, tracing the lines of muscle with feather soft kisses. 

He let out a soft, rumbling moan and shed the tunic, dropping it on the floor behind him. He turned his face into the curve of her neck, teeth nibbling at the sensitive spot under her ear. Tilting her head back, opening her throat to him, Shepard let her fingers wander along the lines of his plates to the textured hide of his neck. Caressing under his crest with the backs of her fingers, she smiled at the deepening rumble in his throat. She teased him, fingertips and nails wandering, finding all the most sensitive spots. His purr deepened, his tongue tracing long, slow patterns over the heated skin of her neck.

Shepard pulled back, her hands sliding down his arms until their hands met, fingers entangling. Backing toward the stairs and their bed, she kept her eyes locked on his, loving the way she saw herself reflected there. Steel and blood and air and life--he made up half of who and what she was, and she no longer knew if she even possessed an identity without him. The possibilities that pressed in at the edges of what that meant terrified her. She hesitated at the top of the stairs, stiffening, her eyes closing, her hand reaching up to press against her face. She pushed back Balak’s voice as he whispered, ‘What would happen to you if you lost him?”

Garrus stepped into her, lifting her into his arms at the top of the stairs, carrying her down to the bed. “Tell him to shut up,” he whispered.

She smiled and opened her eyes, reaching up to lay a hand against his scars. “God, I love you.” Pulling herself up, she wrapped her arm around his neck, her mouth finding his, covering it with soft kisses.

Garrus sat on the end of the bed, sitting her down on his thigh. He returned her kisses, their tongues exploring, dancing together, the taste of him clean, slightly metallic and mineral, like water from a mountain stream. She felt his fingers on her uniform’s fasteners, but held the sensations at arm’s length as she concentrated on his mouth, rough and hard, angular and perfect under hers.

“Garrus ...” she whispered, her mind trying to form her desires into words, but failing.

He reached up, caressing her face, talons combing gently through her hair as she arched into him, pulling closer, the kiss deepening. He parted her uniform, pressing it off her shoulders. She shrugged it down her arms, shaking it off her hands, impatient, annoyed with the distraction. Free, her hands returned to his face, tracing the angular contours as she pressed into him, desperate, yearning for something, needing something, but unable to force it to reveal itself.

“Shh,” he whispered, easing her down, pushing her away, his talons raking her shoulders and arms with the softest touch. Shivering as his hands traced paths across her belly, she felt her skin prickling into gooseflesh and smiled. He did love making it do that. She leaned her forehead against his mandible.

“Garrus,” she said again, her voice barely louder than a breath. “I ...” 

He nodded, brushing his mouth over her cheek and chin as his hands slipped behind her and undid her bra, easing it off, then dropping it to the floor. He pressed her back, supporting her with his arm and leaned in, caressing her shoulder and collarbone with his upper lip, eyes closed, his breathing soft and relaxed.

“Mmm ... I love it when you touch me like that,” she sighed, tucking her face in against his neck. She kissed along the groove of his throat, nuzzling into the spot under his jaw, sucking gently, running her teeth over his hide. Smiling at the way his throat rumbled, she gave him a sharper nip. It was strange, maybe, but she’d never found anything about him alien. Even their first time together, he’d just felt … perfect. 

After kissing him again, she slipped off his lap, kneeling between his legs. She undid the clasps and freed his spur, then nudged him. “Lean up.” Slipping his leggings off the sharp points of his hips, she pulled them down to his knees, turning her attention to his boots. They were quickly cast off, and she took first one foot and then the other in both hands, artfully massaging the muscles until he moaned in a low, constant trill. Soft fingertips played along the double ankle joints, caressing here, pressing there, rolling the pad of her thumbs over the tendon along the inside of the joints. 

“I love it when you touch me like that,” he whispered, his fingers tangling in her hair. 

“Like what?” She ran her bottom lip through her teeth as she looked up at him under nearly closed eyelids, teasing him. Leaning in, she caressed the inside of his thigh with her lips, blowing a soft, warm stream of air over his skin, moaning under her breath as he pressed into her, his hips arching and falling back. She brushed over his groin plates, one fingertip lightly sliding along the line where they met.

He reached up to remove his visor with one hand, while the other cupped her cheek, his thumb caressing her. He sighed long and deep. “Like … it makes you happy … that you’d be content to just …” He shrugged and chuckled, finding it as impossible to describe as she did.

She pulled his leggings off and dropped them to one side, then knelt between his knees, her hands sliding up his thighs, loving the way the long, thin, tightly coiled muscles danced under her touch. Leaning into him, she pressed her hands against the plates on his chest and kissed him. “I’d be completely content to do this forever.” She shook her head and settled onto her heels, wrapping her arms around his waist. Pressing her cheek against the narrow section of softer hide on his belly, she whispered, “Is it strange to want someone to possess you?”

He stroked her hair, then pulled her up so she stood between his thighs, holding her tight against him, his face pressed to her breast. “No, it’s not strange, Shepard.” He unfastened her trousers, laying them open, but not pushing them down. Talons raking across her back, he nuzzled her neck, his tongue sweeping over her skin then flicking hard against the spots that made her crazy, igniting a fire that burned through her veins and roared in her ears. He ran his teeth along her collarbone, and she moaned, low and throaty and filled with need. She melted into him, her legs weak and trembling, his arms all that held her upright as she allowed the fire to burn uncontrolled, consuming her. 

Making love to him with her fingertips, Shepard’s touch glided over his neck, caressing the sensitive border between scale and hide. Each touch a tiny, reverent prayer of devotion and passion, she told him everything her voice could never find the words to say. Responding to his every subtle encouragement, her fingers teased, kneaded, and stroked their way up to his crest She dragged her knuckles along the underside of his frill, pausing to roll in slow circles or drag her nails over the skin when his breathing hitched or the underlying growl-purr coming from his subvocals changed in pitch. 

He nuzzled her breasts, teasing them with tooth and tongue until she arched into him, clinging to him, her body giving itself over to him with an urgency that left her dizzy, panting for air. Raking his talons over her belly, he pressed hard enough to furrow the skin. She gasped, her whole body undulating as the keen-edged sensation reminded her that those talons could be as deadly as they were loving. The burning ember in the pit of her stomach sent rivers of molten need pouring through her; she loved the strong, protective predator at Garrus’s core.

Garrus lifted his head to nuzzle her neck. “You don’t ever need to tell me that you are mine, Shepard.” He looked up into her eyes, and she struggled to focus on him as the fire burning through her ran roughshod over reason and thought. His mandibles spread a little and twitched as he drew a breath into his mouth, exposing his teeth. “Your body tells me every moment.” He closed his eyes and drew in another breath, his subvocals growling with that predatory intensity. The searing heat rolled through her again, her body aching for the game of cat and mouse that he played with her senses, to end.

He stood, gathering her into his arms, and carried her around the side of the bed, laying her down on the duvet. She let out a long, slow breath, her eyes drifting closed, the rest of her senses sharpening. Feeling him bend over her, Shepard arched off the bed, moving against his hands when they touched her, all hard edges and tough hide that generated a delicious friction against her skin. She smiled as his talons glided over her ribs, the razor sharp edges sending shivers down her spine, making her center pulse hard and insistent. Mouth open, lips moist, panting, she bucked against his hands as they cupped her breasts, his thumb talons tracing lazy circles around the nipples. Her entire body rose and fell like a wave, opening to him, almost begging to feel his weight pressing down on her, to feel him moving between her thighs. 

She moaned, low, deep, and hungry, as his mouth pressed into the hollow between her ribs, his tongue warm as it moved over her skin. Intoxicating, torturous streams of air blew over her belly, making her mewl and writhe. Her hands reached up, caressing his crest and neck with an almost desperate passion, but he just chuckled, capturing them and holding them against the mattress.

“Patience,” he whispered, his subvocals rumbling at a pitch to send her arching off the bed again, straining against his grip on her wrists and his weight against her side. “Are you ready to ask me, yet?” 

Shepard frowned at his question, trying to phrase a response, but then the roar of her pulse in her ears wiped her mind clear as his tongue swirled around her navel. He held her down gently as he explored his way down to the exposed waist of her panties, licking her skin the way someone might swirl his or her tongue over a melting ice cream cone. 

“If I let go of your hands, are you going to behave?” he asked, chuckling. She let out a soft mewl that he seemed to take as agreement, stroking his talons up her arms and over her neck.

His hands slipped down her sides to slide her trousers over her hips. Pressing his thumb talon into her skin with enough pressure to dent the skin without breaking it, he swept them down to her ankles, leaving trails of fire down her legs. He slipped her boots off, then her trousers. Exposed to the air, her skin lifted into gooseflesh once more,each fine hair trembling, alive, torturing her with every breath he exhaled, every time his body moved the air. He rested a knee between her legs, the other sliding up the outside of her thigh. As his body leaned over her, she arched up into him, moaning softly as the blade-like bone down the center of his chest touched between her breasts.

She opened her eyes, her focus unsteady, and found him staring down at her. He pressed his mouth to her lips, his tongue playing over them as they opened, her breath panting in soft gasps.

“Garrus ... I … “ She lifted her hips, brushing against him. She felt his erection against her thigh, but he pulled away. She reached up to touch his face, brushing her fingertips over his chin. “Garrus?”

He leaned on an elbow, his fingers playing over her face, loving talons tracing her lips. “You need to ask me something, don’t you?” he asked, staring into her eyes.

She frowned, her heart racing even faster, her breath shallowing. Dizziness rocked her, but he gently gripped her jaw, holding her face so their eyes never lost contact. 

“Ask you?” she whispered.

“Yes.” He touched his mouth to hers, the tip of his tongue teasing her top lip. “You have to ask me, Shepard. I won’t assume.”

Tears sprang into her eyes, and she tried to look away. She couldn’t ask. Did she even know the question? Every time she started, the thoughts disappeared as quickly as they appeared, replaced by fear. Who will you be if you ask? Will you still be anyone? 

She tried to look away, to gather herself a little, to calm the storm racing in her head and along her veins, torturing every nerve, but he turning her face back each time. The love in his gaze never wavered, nor did the gentleness in his insistent touch.

“Garrus, I don’t know …” She moved against him. “Can’t we just make love?”

He nodded and kissed her, pressing his cheek to hers. “I’ll always make love to you, Shepard. But the confusion and need won’t go away until you find the courage to ask.”

“I don’t know the question,” she whispered against his neck. 

“Then ask me the other questions.” He nuzzled her ear as his knee nudged her legs apart a little. His hand trailed down her stomach again, brushing against her. She jumped, her whole body feeling like a naked nerve, raw and unprotected. He swept over her with the pad of a talon. 

She bucked into his hand, her hands reaching up to grip his arms as her body yelled at her to just ask. “Will everything change?” she whispered.

He shook his head, his hand caressing her inner thighs, carefully avoiding her center. “Only this will change, Shepard. You’re still you, you’re still the captain of the _Normandy_ , Alliance admiral. You’ll always be my wife, lover, mother of my children, partner.” He brushed the back of his fingers over her, and she lifted from the bed, pressing into him.

Shepard closed her eyes, her hands tightening on his arms, her mind trying to find enough clarity to answer his demand. Instead, she mewled softly, as his finger slipped along her center, keeping her panties between them.

“Will you think less of me?” The question escaped before she could clamp her lips shut on it.

He nuzzled her cheek. “Shepard, open your eyes. Look at me.”

She kept her eyes closed until he took his hand away, returning it to her face. She couldn’t bear it if he looked at her with pity or some new distance.

“Look at me.”

That time she obeyed, looking into his eyes. God, she loved those eyes.

“I love you, Shepard. With everything I am. Trust that. Trust me. I know the depths of your strength, and I know the depths of your fear. You aren’t looking to be less strong, you’re looking to be less afraid, and if anything, that makes me respect you more, not less.” He caressed her cheek with the backs of his talons. “Trust me.”

She turned her face into his hand, kissing it. “I do trust you.” Closing her eyes, she said, “I don’t know how to even form the question, Garrus.” She retreated from the question, closing herself off. What madness had possessed her to take something so simple and complicate it?

“No.” He laid his hand on her chest. “Don’t shut down on me. What do you need, Shepard?”

She let out an exasperated sigh. Why did he just keep asking the same thing over and over? She’d told him she didn’t know what to ask.

“I need to have someone take control away from me,” she blurted out. She met his eyes, anger pulling her thinking into sharp focus. “I need to give it to you, to give everything away to you … everything. I’m worn out all the way down to my bones, Garrus, and I need one aspect of my life to be completely out of my control.” She leaned up on her elbows. “Will you do this for me?”

He pushed her down with a hand in the middle of her chest. He took her hands in his, lifting them above her head, pinning them to the mattress, and looked down into her eyes. “Of course, I will, Shepard, for as long as you want me to. You need an out, though.” He nuzzled the side of her face. “A word. If things get too intense, if you need to stop or take a minute and talk something through, you just say the word.”

She nodded and gave him a teasing smile. “Pyjak?”

He chuckled. “Okay. I can’t see that coming up for any other reason.” He took both her wrists in one of his hands, his long fingers holding them easily while the other caressed its way down her body, finding and teasing all the places that turned her into a mindless ball of desire. Slipping under her panties, he stroked his fingers over her, barely touching until she lifted her hips to meet him. 

“No,” he whispered, his mouth pressed to her ear. “Stay still until I say otherwise. You don’t do anything until I tell you.” He flicked her earlobe with his tongue. “Understand?”

She bit her bottom lip, struggling to stay still. “I understand,” she said, her voice low and breathy. Sweat broke out on her lip as his hand teased, coming only close enough to make her nerves scream, every muscle in her body demanding to move. 

He nuzzled her bottom lip. “That includes orgasm. Not until I say.”

She pulled back a little and frowned at him. “But ….” How was she supposed to … She sighed and met his expectant expression with a nod. “Okay.”

His hand made contact, firm, his forefinger touching her hypersensitive center. She bit down on her lip and forced herself to stay perfectly still. Her eyes closed, her concentration on not moving pulling her focus down into her body, each part alive, keenly aware, anticipating.

When Garrus touched her, his talon circling her center then slipping down to press into her, gently, still teasing, she felt everything with an intense clarity, as if he was an extension of her. She gasped with surprise, then smiled against his mouth as he kissed her, moving over her, his breastbone digging into her, his leg wrapping around hers as the pad of his thumb rolled over her, making her mewl and moan into his mouth. Tight, trying to breathe through the exquisite torment of holding still, she returned his kisses, savouring that one outlet for her energy. Even that familiar contact intensified and clarified as if she’d been viewing the world through flawed glass, and he’d lifted it away.

Deep in her belly, the delicious, warm, throbbing pressure grew, but she tried to set it aside, to ignore it, a strategy that proved to make it worse.

“Don’t try to ignore it,” he whispered. “Breathe into it, let it build, just don’t let go of it.”

“How do you …” she started to ask how he knew these things, but he cut her off with a kiss. 

“Sh.” He reached up and stroked her hair. “The only thing you need to say is to tell me when you can’t take it any more, and then you can tell me what you need.” His other hand continued to move against her, his forefinger slipping deeper into her. She groaned, clenching her jaw as his finger beckoned inside her, stroking her upper wall until the pleasure built to a point that it hurt. Part of her backed away from the pain, but a larger, more insistent part lifted her into it, her body bucking into him. Muscles contracted with a bliss that she had no more hope of controlling than the rotation of the galaxy around them. Her fingers gripped the hand that held them, her nails digging into him. Still, she remained as motionless as she could, focusing on where his body touched hers and the ever-growing insistence in the pit of her belly.

Dull, throbbing pains rolled through her pelvis, but each just drove her higher until thought turned to sensation. Her world ended at their two bodies, his almost as sharply in focus to her as her own. His scent ... she recognized tiny changes as his body heated and began to perspire, the subtle scent of his arousal, even the change in his breath as his passion and need altered his chemistry. 

She revelled in the new, heightened awareness, feeling his pulse throbbing through his hand and where his thigh pressed to hers. His breathing changed rhythms as hers did, the two of them seeming to meld into sync. Her joy expressed itself as a soft keen whispered into the curve of his neck, and he kissed her.

Through it all, the pleasure and pain stormed through her until her muscles trembled with the strain. Her nipples tightened, adding to the chorus, their ache easing only when he brushed his mouth over them, his tongue relaxing them, softening their cries with its warm, slightly rough caresses. Tears escaped her eyes, but as he coaxed her to endure just a little more, pushing gently, she reached a place of complete stillness. She smiled, her mind flitting back to Mindoir, recalling the heavy, wet snow of late fall on the fields. The grass surrendered to the implacable snow, forming dark, perfect pockets of peace under its bowed length. The tiny, hidden shelters grew still and private--hallowed--as evening cast its magic in shades of blue and purple. 

So it was as she and her body bent to his will, a perfect, pure haven forming between them, and inside it, she felt … peace.

He slipped his hand from between her thighs. “Lift up.”

Her hips rose, seeking his hand more than obeying his voice. She gasped as he slipped her panties down, her over-excited skin crying out at the friction. God, she wanted him so badly. Wanted to feel him over her, inside her, pouring into her like cool water to slake the thirst he’d created.

“What do you need, Shepard?” he whispered.

She moaned, a soft cry as his breath touched her cheek, and she turned her face toward him. “I need …” 

“What do you need?” he asked again, one talon starting at her bottom lip and tracing a slow path over her chin, down her neck, between her breasts, over her belly to press ever so gently against her painfully sensitive center. She let out a ragged, sobbing gasp as her muscles contracted into an exquisite spasm of pleasure.

“I need to feel you inside me,” she whispered. “Please … Garrus.”

He moved over her, coaxing her legs apart with his knee. He moved against her a little, teasing, but she held still. He’d asked it; it pleased him, and she wanted so very badly to please him, needed to please him so the perfect sanctuary of peace wouldn’t burst around her, throwing her back out where the galaxy tore her in a hundred directions, making a million demands. Out there, everything was noise and harsh, glaring light, and loss.

He entered her, moving slowly, twilight falling, and she disappeared into it, her body reacting because of him and for him. The tears slowly leaked from the corners of her eyes again as he filled her; the perfect completion to the missing piece of the puzzle that was Jane Shepard. Inside her closed eyelids, she saw them both with absolute clarity, their bodies melding, flowing into one another. Her will and body gave way, his moving in to claim every millimetre surrendered; the pieces coming together in a dance of pulse, breath, softly whispered words and glorious, maddening friction. 

His body scraped against hers, the hard edges of his plates, the pressure, the slow back and forth of his breastbone on hers, gentle counterpoints in the dance, each a piece falling into place. The slow, controlled strokes quickly sped up, coming harder and faster, and the scent of his breath transformed again as he leaned over her, breastbone digging into hers, his mouth open, panting as desperately as her own. 

The fiery storm of pleasure and pain inside her began to slam at the walls of her control, insisting on release. Words, nonsensical babbling pleas whispered from her lips. She could feel how close he was. His arms, braced against the bed just above her shoulders, trembled, and he breathed her name, his subvocals rumbling with each stroke.

“Shepard,” Garrus whispered, “touch me.” He rumbled, his eyes closing. “I need to feel your hands on me.”

Smiling, she reached up, her fingertips just grazing his nose and mouth, thumbs sweeping over his cheekbones and mandibles. Eyes slipping closed, she slipped her hands up, caressing under his crest and down the arch of his neck, adoring him with her touch. Her muscles contracted around him as he thrust, his need matching hers, sweeping her up, lifting her as she gripped him tight, trying to hold him inside her even as he withdrew, then spreading wide, opening to allow him to pour into her again.

“Garrus...” she said, gasping, her entire being begging for release. “Please.”

He rumbled softly, bending down, his mouth pressing against the hollow under her jaw where her jugular groove began. She moaned as his tongue traced a long, slow path over her throat, able to feel her pulse as it beat against the pressure. His breast bone dug into her, feeling as though it would crack her open like a wedge driven into wood, but the pain just flowed into the stillness of her sanctuary.

Garrus thrust into her hard and fast, her whole body rocking with the force of his passion. She gasped as his teeth sank into her neck, a hard, fast bite that broke the skin. She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him to her, pulling him into that quiet place with her, feeling him there with her in that moment. 

Like all moments, it passed and he pulled away, but just to brush his mouth over hers, whispering words of love and passion, beautiful promises that lined the walls of the cocoon sheltering them.

“Shepard,” he said, his subvocals tearing through the thin membrane of control holding the fire in check. “Come for me.”

Her body responded, the fire bursting forth like a star going nova, filling her haven with searing light, roaring heat, and blinding pleasure. She mewled, shrill, breathless, the sound building to a cry that bordered on a scream. Her heart thundered as her body arched hard, muscles tying themselves into knots of pure bliss. Like the first time he’d made her orgasm with his voice, she felt herself lifting from her body, but this time she felt no fear, for he was there, wrapped around her, holding her tight. She knew that like a tether holding a balloon, he would draw her back, so she spread her wings wide and let herself fly, soaring with the flames as they poured through her.

Smiling, she eased down, her body rippling with waves of pleasure that washed into him, coaxing him to his release. He called out, his voice layered, rumbling with depths that told her the depth of his feelings in a way words never could. The subvocals rolled through her with enough force that aftershocks sent her arching into him again as he spilled into her. She gripped him tight as he turned, resting his body along hers, twisting enough that his chest didn’t dig into her. He laid his head in the curve of her neck, his breath soft across her chest. He moved softly inside her, one hand stroking up her side to cup her breast, caressing it with the gentlest of touches.

“Thank you,” she whispered, kissing his brow. ‘Thank you.”

______________________________________________________________________________

 

The wind never stopped on Alchera. Not for a moment. Not even for a heartbeat. The sun, albeit so far away that it barely registered in the sky, rose and set, rose and set.

Shepard wandered, unsure whether her existence now consisted of cracked fields of ice and endless snow as she took part in a pantomime of life. She slept, taking shelter in one of the intact sleeper pods for as many hours as she could stand before rising to wander again.

Then, on what she judged to be her sixth or seventh day dead, she woke up in a med bay.

“No, Kaidan, you can’t let them leave.”

Shepard turned, frowning at the desperation and barely suppressed agony in Joker’s voice.

“Joker, even if her suit was intact, there’s no way she’d have enough air for this long. We have to ….” Kaidan choked on the end of the sentence, and she ran over to his side, reaching out to touch his pale, unshaven cheek. He looked like hell, his eyes sunken and dark, his skin waxy and pallid. 

He was in pain, because she was dead.

“Oh Kaidan, I’m so sorry.” She touched his cheek again, but he didn’t react. She sighed and laid her head against his chest, her arms wrapping around him. “I’m so sorry.”

The rescue vessel took her surviving crew to the Citadel. She followed Kaidan through his days, such as they were. He took a leave of absence from the Alliance, rented an apartment on the Citadel. He stayed in bed most of the time, grew a beard, grew his hair, drank and stared with blank eyes at his vid screen. Darkness filled her days. His blinds stayed drawn shut, only the fridge light illuminating the place when he went in for another beer.

Shepard sat in the corner and watched, loving him with an aching sadness. Sometimes she stepped outside onto the balcony he never used and looked out over the dark chaos of neon and traffic. So much life outside his door; nothing but death inside.

Garrus came to the door near the end of the first month. 

“What do you want, Garrus?” Kaidan turned his back on the door, shuffling back to his couch.

“You look like shit, Alenko.” The turian entered, closed the door and turned on the lights.

“Yeah, well, you’re no beauty queen either, Vakarian.” Kaidan flopped down on the cushions.

Walking over to Garrus, she smiled. She touched his shoulder, but he felt nothing. 

She sighed. She was still dead.

“No, but at least I’m not lying down next to Shepard.” He reached up to touch the chest plate of his armour. “They’ve declared her dead.”

Kaidan nodded. “I know. K.I.A. Rest in peace, Commander Jane Shepard.” He upended his beer, his adam’s apple bobbing as he guzzled the remainder of the bottle.

“You’re going to get yourself cleaned up and come to the memorial with me?” Garrus cleaned a space on the couch, setting the pizza boxes and fast food wrappers on the coffee table, then sat. “It’s in ninety minutes. Go take a shower, shave, and come with me.”

Kaidan shook his head. “I’m drunk, and I don’t need to go to the Conduit, stare at a picture of her, and listen to speeches about how exceptional she was to remember that I’m never going to see her again. I’m never going to hold her hand.” He let out a ragged laugh. “She had the most calloused palms I’ve ever felt.”

Garrus’s hand moved to his chest again. “Alenko ….”

“I’m never going to lay next to her again.” Kaidan sighed. “She’d wrap herself around me so tight.”

Garrus jumped up. “Go on. Pull yourself together and say goodbye with dignity. She deserves that.”

Kaidan shook his head. “No. You go listen to the Council lie about how they believed in her. I’m going to have another beer.”

Garrus let out a grumbling sigh, but stood. “Fine.” He shook his head. “She deserved so much more than …” He flipped his hand toward Kaidan. “... that.”

Kaidan snorted and staggered to his feet, stumbling toward the kitchen. “Have yourself a little crush on the human commander, Vakarian?”

Garrus just shook his head and walked out.

Shepard followed him. 

The turian strode a few metres down the hall, then stopped and just sort of fell against the wall. She walked over to him, laying a hand on the broad shoulder. 

“Garrus?”

He slid a hand into his armour and pulled out a worn picture. 

She frowned as she saw her face on the wrinkled and abused paper. She was pretty sure it was the one attached to her Alliance file. Her breath hitched as she realized that Kaidan had been right.

Garrus ran his thumb along the curve of her cheek then pressed it against his chest, taking deep breaths that hiccuped a little as he worked through the moment of grief. 

Shepard walked around him, and reached up to touch his face as a tear traced a slow track over the hardened skin. She touched it with a finger that couldn’t feel it. “Oh, Garrus, I’m so sorry.”

Shepard bolted upright in bed. She gasped for air, her hands clutched to her chest. She looked over at Garrus, sleeping inches away, tears raining down her cheeks.

He stirred, and stretched, looking up at her through half-closed eyes. “You okay?”

She nodded and curled up against him, pressing soft, loving kisses along his cheek bone and mandible, her hand stroking his crest. “I remembered more from when I was dead.” She kissed him again. “I’m so sorry, Garrus. I’m so sorry.” She tucked herself in against him.

He wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her face. “It’s behind us, Shepard. It’s all behind us. Our entire lives lie ahead.”

She kissed him. “Yeah. Yeah, they do.”


	28. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little Shop of Horrors Cerberus style

**June 8, 2187**

“Approaching drop point one,” Joker called through Shepard’s comm.

Shepard stood at the top of the _Normandy_ ’s ramp, struck by the memory of the last time she heard those words. Hopefully this mission turned out a little differently.

“Okay, Alpha Team,” Joker called. “Good hunting.” 

“Roger that.” Shepard gestured for her team to move out and jogged down the ramp. 

She dropped to the ground, landing in a crouch, her eyes in motion, scanning the drop zone. The landscape consisted of open forest, well browsed down by the indigenous grazing animals. She brought up the scan of the compound on her omni-tool. The _Normandy_ had dropped them five hundred metres outside the perimeter fence, ahead of the lines of what appeared to be guards. 

For such an idyllic landscape, the place felt more like walking into the collector base. A sense of oppression loomed over her despite the open canopy above, a bright sun shining down. She knew she could trace it back to the pictures her imagination fed her about what they’d find inside the fence. No one built a thirty metre tall, solid wall to keep in kittens and puppies.

Liara crept up beside Shepard, staying lower than the undergrowth. Shepard glanced   
over her shoulder at the asari.

“Keep your position in formation, Liara. I don’t want to have to guess where my people are.” She waited for the slightly indignant reply, then signaled for an arrowhead formation on her six, ten meter spread. She waited as she heard her people moving into position, then another moment for Liara to drop back, taking the spot ten metres to Shepard’s rear left.

Shepard moved forward, darting from cover to cover, raising her fist now and again to bring her squad to a halt as she scouted forward. The resistance she expected didn’t appear. She paused, the monstrous wall visible fifty meters ahead through the trees, and ran a scan. Fifteen unknown signatures spread out in a staggered line. She didn’t like it.

Waving in her team leaders, she drew out a basic plan on the ground. One team of two taking the enemies on Shepard’s left, another to her right. She’d wade into the center. They nodded and disappeared with relative stealth back to their positions.

Shepard moved up, pausing when she saw white and gold armour crouched down behind a camouflage blind. “Keep your eyes on my six,” she said in a rough whisper. “I’m going to friend or foe.” She shook off the feeling of dread that wrapped itself around her. Letting the willies get the better of her wouldn’t help anything.

“Roger that,” her backup, Corporal Lewis, responded.

Shepard moved up, sticking to cover. “This is Admiral Jane Shepard, Alliance Navy. Come out where we can see you, lay down any weapons, and keep your hands up. You won’t be harmed.”

The soldier leaned out of cover and fired an erratic spray of bullets across her position. The soldier weaved, unsteady, fired another spray of bullets that missed her by an impressive margin, then ducked back behind the cover.

“Okay, consider them hostile,” Shepard said, the dread lowering back over her. 

She sent in Droney, flushing the soldier out, taking him down with two bullets through his helmet. She ducked to new cover, following the drone as it homed in on the next target. The fight to get to the wall took five minutes max, the soldiers putting up a fight unworthy of even raw merc recruits. Cerberus had been responsible for some of the toughest fights Shepard ever dug into over the years, but that fight hadn’t even amounted to target practice.

“Anyone else freaked out by how easy those guys were to take out?” Corporal Lewis asked.

“Maintain radio silence,” Shepard replied, “but keep your eyes open. Something is definitely off here.”

“Bravo reporting in. At exterior gate. Area secure.”

“Understood. Alpha out.” Shepard moved toward the gate, scanning the area for hostiles. The area just beyond the gate showed a great many lifesigns, but with the possibility of friendlies or hostages, they couldn’t just go in shooting. 

“Keep eyes on my six,” she told Lewis. Jogging over to the closest body, Shepard kept her eyes moving, particularly above in the branches, but no sign of any danger appeared. She crouched down next to the body and unclasped the helmet. She lifted it off then let out a strangled sort of gasp and closed her eyes, giving her brain time to register what lay before her.

The man--at least she guessed it was a man--stared unseeing up at her from eyes scarred white with cataracts, and she knew that under them laid dead tech. Huge pieces of his face had fallen away, the scars healed, but ruinous. He would have had to be fed through IV or some other means. She didn’t think she wanted to know how. Most of his bottom jaw was just gone: skin hanging off bone. 

“What is it, Shepard?” Liara asked.

“One of Cerberus’s enhanced soldiers, but all the tech grafted into him has been destroyed and for a while. From the Crucible.” She sighed. “I’m surprised what’s left of him could even stand.” She closed his eyes and laid him down on his side. 

“All teams, this is Alpha leader. Take out enemy forces in Cerberus armour. It’ll be a kindness.”

The teams responded to the affirmative. Shepard stood.

“Charlie is at the gate and ready to enter, Alpha leader.” 

“Roger that, Charlie.” She paused at the sound of gunfire. “We’re just waiting on Delta and Echo. Alpha out.” She moved her people into position at the gate.

“Alpha leader,” Herros called a moment later. “Echo was attacked just outside the gate by altered indigenous lifeforms. Must have gotten out over the fence and taken shelter in the cave just outside the gate. No friendly casualties. In position at the gate, awaiting orders.”

“Roger that, Echo. Stand by.” Shepard braced herself for what they’d find on the other side of the gate. Balak had pulled out, and what remained of Cerberus couldn’t be considered a threat. The only thing they had to fear in the base was the inmates and the environment itself. Hopefully the mad scientists hadn’t been playing with anything communicable. She didn’t want to have to vapourize the facility and all its inhabitants. This side of the war was supposed to be about life, not death.

“Delta team in position,” James called. “Ready when you are, Alpha.”

“All right.” Shepard took a deep breath. “All teams proceed inside your gates. Extreme caution, people. We’re walking into a nightmare factory.” When the teams acknowledged her order, Shepard turned to the gate’s locking mechanism and began bypassing it. When she cracked it, she looked to the rest of her squad. They brought up their weapons and nodded.

Shepard hit the gate control then stepped back, pressing herself against the fence as the sections of gate retracted. Nothing rushed out at them, so she peered around the gate. Dead bodies lay strewn all over the garden area. A few were the Cerberus soldiers, still in armour, although some pieces had been torn away. A handful of the bodies wore lab clothes. Asari, human, salarian. Shepard thanked the powers that be for hermetically sealed armour as she moved inside the gate, stepping around the rotting corpses.

Throughout the garden, people slunk, their bodies ravaged by experimentation and starvation. They moved like ghosts amongst the dead, pawing at the bodies, searching for the least rotted parts, eating what they could find. Two asari, their bodies covered in massive patches of chitinous shell, huge lumps of it erupting from their skeletal frames like malformed claws, began to fight over a dead hanar, tearing at its tentacles.

“I’m going to throw up,” someone gasped.

Shepard spun around. “Hold it together, people. You cannot remove your helmets.” She made eye contact with every member of her squad. “Hold. It. Together.”

They nodded, a couple taking long, deep breaths.

“Move inside, and stay frosty. We need to lock this gate behind us. Can’t risk any of these people getting out. They’re desperate and probably mad, so don’t hesitate if they come at us.” She stepped around a dead human. “Come on, let’s get this gate shut.”

Once her team stepped through, Shepard shut the gate and relocked it. “All teams. Contact with inmates. So far, non-hostile, but make sure you lock your gates and the outer compound doors when you enter. Keep this place locked down tight until we know what we’re dealing with.”

Shepard moved slowly, not wanting to startle the inmates and cause a charge, although judging by the malformed limbs and tumorous growths, it might have been a kindness. She winced as a turian with four extra, albeit useless arms scuttled out of their path, hiding behind a patch of flowering bushes.

“Can you understand me?” she asked, stopping for a moment.

The male stared at her for a moment, then nodded and retreated further.

“We’re not going to hurt anyone,” Shepard reassured him. “Not unless we’re attacked. Are there dangerous people in here? Ones we need to watch out for?”

One of the asari looked up, the hanar tentacle in her mouth. She tore off a huge bite, gobbled it down like a shark, then wiped her mouth on her filthy tunic. “Don’t let …” She hesitated as if she hadn’t spoken in a long time, and was just remembering that she could. “Don’t let the krogan out.” She clutched her hunk of tentacle close to her chest like she was afraid Shepard would take it. “The batarians killed a lot, and finally locked the last few in the back lab. They probably haven’t starved yet.”

“Thank you.” Shepard kept her Mattock up, but held out her other hand in what she hoped was a soothing gesture. “We’re going to help you all. We just have to secure the base first. Just hang in there.”

“Best kill us,” the turian croaked from behind the bushes. “Just kill us.”

Shepard met the bright green eyes staring at her between the branches. “Don’t give up,” she said, her voice soft. “Maybe something can be done.” She moved toward him a step. “Let’s just see what can be done before we make any final sorts of decisions. Please.” She held his gaze until he nodded. Her heart breaking, she returned his nod.

One of the indigenous people ran up to her, a female judging by the mammaries down her long, sinuous belly. She looked up at Shepard, large, brown eyes searching as she reached up, touching Shepard’s hand, just tapping it with her fingers. 

The female made a series of small hoots and chirps, her voice flanging with another series of sounds, then she stood up fully, nearly a foot and a half taller than Shepard, and tapped Shepard’s chest. 

“She wants to know if she can go back to her tribe,” the turian said. He let out a bitter laugh. “Like any of us can.”

Shepard reached out slowly, touched the female’s arm, and backed away. She glanced toward the turian. “You understand her?”

He shrugged. “After a fashion. I understand her harmonics.”

“Can you tell her that I’ll do what I can?”

He trilled at the female. She patted the top of Shepard’s head and folded back down to walk on her lower two sets of legs.

Shepard waved toward the base. “Okay,” she said to her squad. “Let’s go in. See if we can figure out what the living fuck happened here.”

“Alpha,” Herros called. “Echo team cleared our end of the docking bay and entered what’s a detention area. Hundreds of cells, dead and living occupants. What’s been done to these people...” He cleared his throat. “Found cells containing what appear to be scientists.”

“You’re real?” a voice called in the background. “Please. Please, you’ve got to take me to your commanding officer. My name is Dr. Anara Wright. I’m the last of the head researchers. You need to know what you’re dealing with before you do anything. Please.”

“Did you hear that, Alpha leader?”

“Roger that, Echo leader. Assure her that we won’t be opening or unlocking anything. Once we’re secure, we’ll get to her. Alpha out.”

“Roger Alpha, Echo out.”

Shepard walked through the front door, both hands on her Mattock again. She gestured to two of her squad to cover their six at the door, then moved deeper into the large room. It appeared to be a reception area. She nearly threw up at that thought. 

_Welcome to your slow torture, dismemberment and death. Please take a seat in the waiting area. Dr. Mengele, Dr. Demikhov, and General Shiro Ishii will be with you in a moment._

Behind the reception area, they found banks of offices. Shepard cleared them then nodded to Liara. “See if you can find anything useful on the computers. Just be careful not to touch anything that looks like security or containment.”

Liara nodded, her normally pale blue skin nearly white on the other side of her helmet. Shepard laid a hand on her shoulder. “Breathe, Liara. We’ll do everything we can for these people. Yeah?”

The asari nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be fine, Shepard.”

“I know you will.” Shepard nodded to Liara’s bodyguards. “Keep her safe. First sign of trouble, yell.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Copeland said, squaring his shoulders.

“Come on, Lewis, let’s see what other wonders await us further in.” Shepard rolled her neck and shoulders; she’d pulled the latter up to her ears as she tensed up.

They made their way back past another twenty offices, all deserted. Piles of partially burned record books stood in corners, computers and desks lay overturned and smashed.

“Cerberus was trying to destroy their records in a hurry,” Lewis said, echoing Shepard’s thoughts.

“Yeah.” She bypassed a large security door at the end of the hall after scanning the room on the other side to be sure of no loose lifeforms. Pressing to the one side of the door, she sent her drone in first, then leaned out, sweeping the room with her Mattock. Nothing moved. The room sat pristine, rows of examination beds standing with lights poised over them, trays of tools and instruments next to each.

“I think this is spookier than everything being wrecked,” Lewis whispered.

Shepard held her finger over her lips, tapping it against her visor. She gestured toward a line of doors along the far right wall, fifteen metres across the room. When Lewis moved that way, Shepard turned toward another line of doors on the left hand wall.

They were dark, but unlocked. Shepard read lifeforms on the other side of the door, but they weren’t moving. Taking a deep, steadying breath, she turned on her flashlight and shone it through the reinforced glass. Three large glass units stood along the far wall, the glass fogged up, and for a moment, she couldn’t make out what moved in there. Then hands pressed against the glass, tiny hands, and a face turned toward the light. Shepard gasped and jumped back from the door.

“Oh, holy father above,” she cried. She leaned against the wall, bent over, her gun hugged tight against her. She closed her eyes.

“Admiral? Are you …?” Lewis called.

“Yeah.” She pushed herself up. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just … just check the doors and make sure nothing is loose in there, but don’t look too closely at anything.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Shepard opened the door and walked into the room. She cleared the corners and under an examination table that stood off to one side, then took a deep breath and walked over to the first container: what she could only describe as an incubator. 

“Hello?” she called, her voice soft and comforting.

Inside, a sad sort of mewling whine answered her. Hands pressed to the glass, then a partially humanoid face. Shepard took a deep breath and pressed a glove to the glass. Whoever resided inside that casket was a person. Then she spotted movement along the person’s neck and sighed. It wasn’t fog on the glass, the tank was full of water. 

“Can you understand me?” she asked. 

The person nodded, and Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath. 

“We’re going to do what we can to take care of everyone. Okay?” Shepard looked at the hand--so small. “How old are you?” She asked.

The being held up four fingers.

“You’re four?” Shepard smiled. 

A nod replied to her question.

“Are you in any pain?” she asked, forcing thoughts of Lenka from her mind.

The person--child--shook his or her head and then turned away in a swish of shortened torso and tentacles. 

“Okay. I’ll be back in a little bit.” Shepard moved to the next tank, but got no response from inside. When she scanned, only minimal lifesigns registered.

She moved through the rest of the rooms as quickly as she could, each one containing a new nightmare. In the last room, she found three turians, all versions of the one outside with krogan armour and multiple sets of limbs. Despite the splashes of blue dripping down the walls and pooled on the floor, she bent over them, scanning each for life signs, only to confirm what the long talon slashes on their throats told her. 

When she returned to the central exam area, three of the other teams had arrived. She walked straight over to Garrus and wrapped an arm around him, leaning into him. 

“Holy shit,” she whispered.

He nodded and bent to press the brow of his helmet to hers.

Herros entered, his entire posture aged and defeated. Shepard knew exactly how he felt. The elder Vakarian sighed. “It is a hell of a mess back there, Shepard. We need ….” He threw up his hands in an overwhelmed shrug. “... doctors? There are hundreds of beings back there that I can see euthanasia as the only recourse to end their suffering.”

Shepard nodded, then looked up as gunfire erupted from the back of the base. Garrus shrugged his rifle into his hands and waved to his team, heading in the direction of the firefight.

The gunfire stopped even before Garrus made it out the door.

“Delta team, report,” Shepard called.

“Not sure what they were, but there were a lot of them, Lola. Swarmed at us out of some sort of egg sack under a mako. Damn. This place is giving me a whole lifetime of nightmares.” He grumbled. “We’re clear now. Moving on.”

Shepard reached up to her ear and opened a channel to the _Normandy_. “Joker, sitrep.”

“All quiet on the relay front, Admiral. No change in energy emissions.” 

“Okay. Patch me through to med bay, Joker.” 

A moment later, Dr. Chakwas’s calm voice cut through the horror fighting to steal Shepard’s reason and sanity. “Admiral?”

“We have a mess of inhuman proportions down here, Doc. We could sure use your input if you could suit up and catch a ride down.” Shepard looked up as Delta team entered the room.

“I’ll be down as quickly as I can, Shepard.” The tone of the doctor’s voice told Shepard that no matter how bad things were, she would help set it right.

“Thank you, doctor. See you in a bit.” Shepard closed the channel and then called Cortez, telling him to land as close outside the front gate as he could get. 

When she hung up, she leaned against the examine table in front of her. “Okay. James, take however many you need and secure any weak points. I want this place locked down as tight as we can get it.”

He saluted, touching the barrel of his rifle to the brow of his helmet, then started pulling together the team members.

“Admiral, the scientist ... Dr. Wright,” Herros said, “might be able to help us get some traction on this.”

“Yeah.” Shepard looked at Garrus. “Can you check up on Liara and just get an eye on what’s going on up there? I’ll come up to bring Dr. Chakwas through.”

He laid his hand on her shoulder then headed for the door.

“Oh, and Garrus ….”

He turned back.

“There’s a turian out in the garden. He’s messed up bad. Maybe get him involved in securing things. Something. He’s lucid and has been loose for at least a little while. Maybe he can help.”

He nodded and continued on.

Shepard walked around the table. “Okay, Commandant, let’s go meet our Dr. Mengele.”

Herros’s team fell in behind them, but Shepard shook her head. “It’s okay, people. Help Lt. Vega secure this … place.” She let out a long breath and braced herself. “I so shouldn’t be doing this on a month’s worth of hormone treatments,” she grumbled to Herros as they made their way down a long hallway of sterile, metal walls and white tile flooring. 

He laid a hand on her shoulder. “You’re holding it together better than I am.” He stepped ahead of her at the end of the hall, opening the door. They walked into a room that stretched a hundred and fifty metres ahead of them, but was comparatively narrow. Herros set out down the room. Every ten metres, a long hall led off to their right, its length lined with cells. Judging by the mess flowing out into the corridors between the cells, Shepard had cause to once again be glad no odours could make it into her suit.

At the very last row of cells, Herros turned, leading her down to the last cell. Shepard paused at each cell to look in on the occupants, alive or dead. Grossly disfigured, barely alive, whatever, they deserved to have someone look them in the eye and witness what they’d been put through. At the last cell, Shepard turned and let out a small sigh.

Two human women sat on a bunk on one side of the cell. Three bodies lay heaped on the other. One of the women stood, her legs obviously trembling with the effort to keep her frail, starved form upright, and walked to the clear wall along the front.

“Admiral Shepard?” she asked.

Shepard nodded. “Yes.” She nodded toward the bunk. “Sit back down.”

“I’m Dr. Anara Wright. I was one of the team of researchers in charge of this facility before everything went to hell.” She pressed her hands to the wall. “There are some very dangerous creatures here, and several strains of genetic viruses that must not be released from contamination.”

Shepard nodded. “Trust me, we’re not opening anything at this point.” She gestured down the corridor of suffering beings. “So, this is your house of horrors?”

Wright nodded. “Yes, to my eternal shame.” She sighed, then turned and stumbled back to the bunk, sitting on the edge. “It didn’t start out that way. The indigenous people are a remarkable, adaptable species. We tranquilized specimens when they were separated from the tribe, ran tests, took samples, then returned them to where we found them. We hoped to use their adaptive genetic structure to create soldiers who could heal their own wounds, replace amputated limbs. We dreamed of someday presenting the human race with a hundred beneficial adaptations.”

“And … this is the result?” Shepard held back none of her rage and horror. “What the hell?”

“After the collector base, the Illusive Man sent a new team to oversee the facility. He wanted adaptations to create better soldiers, but not the sort of soldiers we were creating. He wanted soldiers that took the strengths of the different races and combined them. The DNA of the indigenous people provided the means to meld the DNA of completely different species.” She looked down at her feet. “We fought back, sabotaged experiments, freed any of the specimens we could be sure wouldn’t take a pathogen out into the general population, but it wasn’t enough. When they realized what we were doing, they sent for soldiers and locked up any staff members who wouldn’t cooperate.”

Shepard took a few breaths, calming a little. She knew all about how quickly things could turn when one worked for the Illusive Man. “Then what happened?”

“The war. Most of the Cerberus soldiers just fell over dead. Some managed to stumble around, stay alive despite all the tech Cerberus had grafted into them breaking down. The science team kept order, then the batarians came. They slaughtered everyone not in a cell, except for a few of the soldiers. They were fairly mindless, so the batarians used them as guards. They continued experimenting on these people, then five weeks ago, they just pulled out, leaving us trapped like beasts.” She shook as if crying, but no tears fell. No doubt due to her level of dehydration. “It’s better than we deserved.”

“Admiral,” Cortez called on the radio. “Incoming with Dr. Chakwas, ma’am.”

“Thanks, Steve. I’ll meet you at the landing zone. Shepard, out.” She closed the channel then looked back to the scientist. “Our doctor is incoming. We’ll try to get the situation untangled as quickly as we can, Dr. Wright.”

The scientist just nodded and sank back onto the cot, propped up next to the friend that Shepard realized hadn’t moved since they’d arrived. She shuddered, then nodded to Herros, waiting until they got to the end of the cells before speaking.

“Dad, can you organize things to get some water to these people as soon as Dr. Chakwas gives the all clear? See if you can find some supplies.”

Herros nodded. “The hangar is glutted with supplies. All four transports are loaded, warehouses stocked to the roof with food, medical supplies, equipment. It was all locked up tight so these people had to starve a room or two away from enough supplies to last them years. Well, at least we won’t have any problem getting food to them once they’re cleared.”

“Good. They’ve been through more than enough.” She looked down the long row of cells. “See if there is a hoverchair or something. We need to get Dr. Wright out here, telling us which cells are safe to start cleaning out.” She ran her hands over her helmet, then laughed sadly at herself as she realized she was trying to run her hands through her hair.. 

“We need to get that relay secured and get more people on the ground.” She looked around, her mind racing through far too many tasks at once, her emotional control starting to break down. “I need Tali.”

Herros took her by the elbow and guided her back to the exam room. 

She squeezed his hand. “Thanks, Dad.” She waved to the quarian. “Tali. Check out the dormitories. We need to start moving survivors out of the cells and into rooms as we’re told they’re safe to turn loose.”

“Of course, Shepard,” Tali replied, her voice thick with emotion.

“Thanks.” Shepard glanced toward the room with the tanks, seeing the small, child-being peering out at her through the filthy glass. She smiled and nodded, then double-timed it back to the front of the facility to meet the doctor’s shuttle.


	29. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And deeper into the nightmare go we dreamers.

**June 8, 2187**

Shepard let out a long, relieved sigh as Dr. Chakwas stepped off the shuttle and strode toward her. Suddenly, despite everything she’d witnessed, she felt like everything was going to be okay.

“Hi Doc. We have hundreds of sick, deformed, and starving people here. I didn’t think anything like this could exist, Karin. I thought we’d evolved past it.” Shepard just shook her head.

“Take me in, and we’ll see what we can do.” The doctor hoisted a huge duffel up onto her shoulder, took Shepard’s elbow in a reassuring grip, and guided her back to the gate. 

Shepard unlocked it and led the way in. The six-armed turian and two asari helped Garrus and his team carry bodies to a large, cement planter, piling them there. A couple of the indigenous people watched, crouched over by the far wall.

“They’re beautiful,” Karin said, looking at the planet’s native people.

A wan smile lifted the corners of Shepard’s lips as she looked over at the female who’d spoken to her earlier. The mammalian analogues stood on four legs and had six arms spaced equally along long, narrow, sinuous bodies. Their lowest set of arms seemed to double as legs, making them quick and agile climbers if they dropped down onto all six. Silky hair covered them from their brows to their feet, only their bellies showing exposed skin. Large, dark eyes sparkled at them from graceful, almost pixie-like faces. They were beautiful.

Dr. Chakwas paused to crouch by one of the dead bodies and activated her omni-tool. 

Over where they were piling the bodies, the six-armed turian stumbled and went down on one knee, gasping in weak, rapid breaths. Shepard hurried over to him and wrapped one arm around his waist, her other taking his arm, and helped him up, guiding him over to sit on a low retaining wall. 

“Here,” she said, sitting beside him and rubbing his shoulder gently. “Just breathe easy and relax. Don’t push yourself too hard.”

He looked into her eyes, then to where her hand sat on the wasted muscle of his shoulder. “You’re touching me.”

Shepard lifted her hand. “I’m sorry, I should have asked if it was okay first.” She didn’t look away from the remarkable leaf-green of his eyes. She didn’t know eyes could portray so many emotions at once: suffering, despair, loneliness, surprise, gratitude, and hope.

He frowned, his mandibles dropping, and shook his head. “No. No, please, that’s not what I meant. You aren’t frightened or disgusted.”

She laid her hand over his and squeezed his fingers. “I’m disgusted by how you’ve been treated, but no, of course I’m not.” She smiled. “What’s your name? I’m Jane.”

He chuffed a little and shook his head, his mandibles working. “Terion,” he replied eventually. “My name is Terion.”

“Wish it was under better circumstances, Terion, but I’m pleased to meet you.” Shepard smiled and stood as Dr. Chakwas walked over to them.

“And I’ve never been more glad to meet anyone in my life,” he said softly.

“Dr. Chakwas,” Shepard said, “this is my new friend, Terion.”

The doctor crouched. “Any friend of the admiral’s is a friend of mine. May I take a few scans?”

Terrion nodded, but his eyes stayed with Shepard. “Admiral?”

Shepard patted his hand, then walked over to Garrus. “How are things going?”

He turned toward her, and she wished that she could see his expression through the dark faceplate of his helmet. After a second, he shook his head and stepped into her, pulling her into his arms.

Shepard nodded and slipped her arms around his waist, “Yeah, that about covers it.” She pulled away, seeing Dr. Chakwas stand. “As soon as I’ve gone through with Dr. Chakwas, I’m going to leave Dad and James in charge down here, and we’ll go up, secure the relay. Looks like we’re going to be here for a while, and it’s going to take a small army to get these people treated and comfortable.”

“I’ll just keep piling bodies for burning in the meantime,” he said, his voice tight. “I hoped to never do this again.”

Shepard reached up to touch the side of his helmet. “I’m horrified by this place, but I’m glad we came. We saved at least some of these people a horrible death, even if we’re too late for the others.”

He nodded and leaned into her hand. “Let me know when you’re ready to move out.”

Shepard nodded and returned to Karin’s side.

“We should be able to remove the extra limbs with fairly straightforward surgical procedures, if you wish. Your genetic code will remain altered, unfortunately. The good news is that you have no viral or bacterial infections.” Chakwas pressed her lips together in a tight, empathetic smile. “You’re severely malnourished and dehydrated, so don’t push yourself too hard, your heart muscle is very weak and can’t take much strain.” She went into her large duffel, withdrawing a dermal syringe. “This will help you tolerate food and water, but take it slow and easy. It will be a while before you can sit down to a meal.” She turned to her heavily laden assistant, Ensign Petrok from maintenance. “Half a dextro ration bar and water, please.” She passed Terion the food and water. “Slowly. Eat and drink these over the next couple of hours.”

Terion stared at the food and water as if he thought himself dreaming, then nodded slowly. “Thank you, doctor.” 

“You’re most welcome.” Chakwas walked over to the two asari.

Over the course of the next four hours, they moved through the facility, scanning the dead and living, Dr. Chakwas doing what she could to help the survivors. Partway through the cellblock, Herros brought Dr. Wright out of her cell in a hoverchair. Karin set her up with an IV and stabilized her, then put her to work.

Shepard dug in, helping move the patients out of the cells and into dormitory beds, a process that meant first taking them to the central exam room, bathing and decontaminating them, then finding gowns or clothing that fit before tucking them into beds, baskets, tanks or whatever else. 

Partway into Shepard’s second hour, Terion walked in, heading straight for the showers. After putting himself through decon and dressing in some overlarge scrubs, he stepped in at Shepard’s elbow, helping as he could. A little later, the asari joined them as well and a couple of salarian who’d hidden the moment Shepard’s team entered the compound.

A couple of times, as the work dragged on and on, Shepard called the _Normandy_ , checking in with Lenka. The child grew progressively whiney and petulant as the hours passed, but every time Shepard thought about leaving, another person came through the door who needed someone to look after them.

Dr. Chakwas walked into the exam room many hours later, and slumped into a chair. Shepard looked up from scrubbing out one of the incubator tanks. She’d spent hours aching to transfer the little survivor into a clean environment. The child watched, zipping around in excited circles in her current tank.

“How are you holding up?” Shepard asked. 

The doctor let out an impossibly weary sigh. “There are some days you never think you’re going to live to see.”

Shepard nodded, glancing over to where Terion had curled up on a couple of blankets in the corner and gone to sleep. She’d tried to send him to sleep in the dormitory, but he’d refused. “Yeah.” She smiled. “Feels good being at this end of it though.” She rinsed out the tank and started filling it with warm water. “How many survivors do we have, Karin?”

“One hundred eighty three.” She leaned back and stretched out her legs, her head resting back against the wall. “I will never understand our species, Shepard. How anyone could do this to another life form, any life form? It’s beyond my comprehension.”

“I know.” Shepard looked over to the child she’d named Susie as soon as Karin said she was a little girl, and a composite of hanar, drell and the indigenous people. “All I can see when I look at her is Lenka.” She turned off the water and added the minerals, medicines and nutrients Karin had given her for the tank. 

“Here, let me give you a hand,” Karin said, standing and helping push the tank across beside the other one.

“So, how do I take Susie out?” 

“Just lift her out like any other child.”

Shepard nodded and took a deep breath as she raised the lid. She smiled at the little face that appeared above the water. “You ready for some clean water, sweetie?” Glancing over at Karin, Shepard frowned. “It’s not going to hurt her to be out of the water?”

Dr. Chakwas shook her head. “No, she has functional lungs, so she can breathe outside the water for a while. If she was out for too long, all her mucosa would dry out, but for a little while, she’s fine.”

Thin little arms reached up, as Shepard slipped her hands around the child’s torso, lifting her carefully. Tentacles curled up around her wrists, hanging on, just in case. Shepard chuckled and carried Susie the few feet.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you, baby.” Shepard settled Susie in the new tank. “Is it warm enough?” The parallels between this child and her first day with Lenka struck her, and she had to blink back tears. This baby wasn’t one she could just take back to the _Normandy_ and make everything better for.

Susie nodded and zipped around the tank a couple of times. 

“She looks happy,” Terion said from behind them.

Shepard just nodded. “She’s such a sweetie.” She hung her hand over the edge of the tank. Susie took it in hers and hugged it against her.

Lagging footsteps on the tile drew Shepard’s attention over her shoulder. Herros, Tali, Garrus, James and their teams stumbled into the exam room.

“We fired up the incinerator and got the cell area cleaned out,” Garrus reported. “It’s sterile.”

“Everyone get yourselves to the shuttle and back to the _Normandy_. Decon a few times, shower, eat and get yourselves into bed.” She smiled. “You’ve all done exceptional work here today. Get some rest. Tomorrow we deal with the relay.”

“I’m going to stay down here, Shepard,” Dr. Chakwas told her. “There are a lot of people I need to keep a close eye on.”

Shepard nodded, but couldn’t hide her misgivings. “I can’t leave you alone down here, Doc.”

“I’ll stay,” James offered. “You don’t need me to go through the relay anyway, so I’ll stay with the Doc and keep an eye on her.”

Terion walked over and laid a hand on Shepard’s forearm. “I won’t let any harm come to her.”

Shepard smiled. “Thank you, but you should be in bed, resting.”

“I’ll stay as well, Jane,” Herros spoke up. “The _Normandy_ won’t ever be more than a radio transmission away.”

A few of the team members stepped forward. Ensign Copeland looked at Dr. Chakwas. “Have you found anything that means we need to wear the breather helmets, Doc? If we can strip down, shower and sleep without the helmets, I’ll stay.” The others nodded.

Dr. Chakwas nodded. “Come on, I’ll give you immuno-boosters and a wide spectrum antibiotic/antiviral. I can’t say I was looking forward to sleeping in the helmet either.”

Shepard smiled at her people and nodded. “We’ll check in before we go through tomorrow and be back as soon as we can. If you need anything . . ..” She held Dr. Chakwas with a firm stare.

“I’ll wake you up. I know how you enjoy it.” 

“Good.” Shepard looked around the room, really not feeling good about leaving so many of her people on the ground. She glanced at Terion, finding him watching her. She looked at his face markings and frowned. They looked really familiar.

She leaned her head off to one side. “What’s your family name, Terion?” Scowling as he deflated, she walked over to him, and ducked around until she managed to meet his eyes. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

He took a deep breath and shrugged. “My father is a general, an important man.” He gestured to the place around them. “My ship was taken by Cerberus on a patrol three years ago. No doubt he thinks I’m dead. Probably best that it stays that way.”

“Who’s your father? I’m certain that no matter what, he’d be glad to know you’re still alive.” She clapped his shoulder. “Besides, Dr. Chakwas will set you up right. She’s amazing.” She smiled and squeezed his arm. “Who’s your father?”

He looked like he’d rather chew off his extra arms then tell her, but then let out a long sigh. “Adrien Victus.”

Shepard nodded. “I knew I recognized your markings. Your father is a good friend, and no longer a general, I’m afraid.” She sighed, her smile falling away. “And he’ll be overjoyed to know you’re alive, because, I’m sorry, but Tarquin died during the war.”

“Tar?” Terion stumbled a little. “How?”

“Saving millions of krogan. One of the single bravest things I’ve ever witnessed.”

His face remained impassive as though he just didn’t have any pain to spare for anything any more. “Makes sense. Tar was a good kid, a gutsy kid. A good brother. He worshipped our father.” His arms tucked around his waist, almost hugging himself. He cocked his head a little. “Why isn’t Dad a general any more? Did the Hierarchy finally get to him?”

Shepard smiled and nodded. “Yeah, you could say that. He’s the primarch.”

He let out a surprised sound that came out as half cough, half chuckle. “No! They must have been short of candidates. He’s made a career out of pissing off the Hierarchy.”

“The war was brutal. I’m afraid you won’t recognize Palaven when you return. The Reapers flattened everything. Did you know what was going on out there?”

“Yeah, at least a little. We knew it was bad because they were so desperate to create super-soldiers.” Terion gave her a slight smile, his mandibles just twitching once. “He’ll need help putting it all back together.”

“He will.” She stifled a yawn. “Thank you for looking out for my people down here, but get some sleep as well. You’ll need to be rested if you’re coming with us in a few days.” She winked and turned to the group of people staying on the ground. 

“I really don’t feel good about this guys. These people are ill and out of their heads with desperation. Lock down the dorms. Stay in your own room and lock it. Set guards. Take no chances. If you need to check on people, you take James or Herros and three guards.” She stared down Dr. Chakwas. “We have a hell of a trip back yet, with most of these people in tow, no doubt. I can’t lose any of you.”

She walked over and hugged Herros, smiling when he bent to touch his brow to hers. “Be careful, Dad.”

“We will be. Don’t worry.” He chuckled. “Okay, that was a stupid thing to say. I’ll radio in every couple of hours.”

She backed away. “You do that. Now, I’ve got to get back to a little girl.” She glanced toward Susie, lifting a hand to wave goodbye as the child pressed her hands to the glass.

Shepard sat beside Garrus on the shuttle, leaning heavily into his side. “Did you suspect that Terion was related to Adrien?” she asked, keeping her voice soft.

Garrus shrugged. “I knew that they were from the same colony. If I’d been able to smell him, I might have picked up on it, but who knows with what they’ve done to him.”

Shepard frowned a little at his tone. It sounded almost like Garrus thought the young turian irredeemable, as if he should have just been put down as Terion had asked. “At least Adrien will get one son back,” she said, dropping her voice lower.

“Will he?”

Shepard turned in her seat. “What do you mean?”

Garrus let out a rumbling, conciliatory sigh, his shoulders slumping a little. “Look, Shepard. One of the things I love about you is your ability to just look past the exteriors of things, of people, but to think that Terion is just going to stride back home and be welcomed back with open arms is optimistic in the extreme. He’s been captured, experimented on. He won’t be easily fit back into turian society.”

She blinked back tears, her throat closing. “And if he was your son? Would you rather that he ate a bullet honourably at the ass end of the galaxy?” She wrapped an arm around her middle. “Our children are going to be freaks too, Garrus. They’re not going to look fully human, nor fully turian. What sort of life are they going to have if even their own father can’t accept the way they look?” She shook her head when he lifted his hand to touch her. “I think you underestimate Adrien. I hope to god for the sake of our kids that you underestimate turians in general.”

She stepped out of the shuttle into the _Normandy_ ’s decon bay, running several cycles before opening the interior air lock and walking back onto their ship. She turned to look into the bridge, knowing Joker would still be there. 

“Anything to report?”

He shook his head and yawned. “Do you know how many times those rings rotate in an hour, Shepard?”

She chuckled. “I’d imagine quite a few. Get some sleep, we go through those rings first thing.”

“Yeah. Wonder if I’ve forgotten how. Might kill us all. Well, goodnight, Shepard.”

She went straight down to the armoury, stripping off her armour and checking her weapons, then headed up to their cabin.

Traynor jumped up off the bed, startled awake as Shepard entered. “Admiral. Sorry. We were reading stories, and I guess they worked as well on me as they did her.”

Shepard chuckled. “Thanks for looking after her today, Sam. I really appreciate it.”

The specialist nodded. “You look terrible. It was bad down there.”

“On a scale that I can’t even explain.” She patted Sam’s arm. “Go get some sleep, and thanks again.”

“You’re welcome. She’s a wonderful little girl.” Traynor headed out, greeting Garrus as they passed in the small entryway outside the elevator.

Shepard walked down, bending over the child who slept in her spot on the bed. She kissed Lenka’s temple softly, then opened the closet and pulled out her t-shirt and shorts. All she wanted to do was collapse into bed and try to put the entire day behind her.

Garrus set two trays of food down on the table, a small piece of cake on a little plate stacked on top. “You need to eat,” he said.

“Yeah, maybe, if I can stay awake long enough once I have a shower.” She climbed the stairs, barely able to lift her feet high enough to clear them, then shuffled over to check on Mordin. Seeing he had enough food and water to do him until morning, she stumbled into the bathroom, dropping her clothes on the vanity. 

Once her pants hit her knees, she just sort of folded down onto the toilet to push them off the rest of the way, then collapsed, hands and head hanging toward the floor, chest mashed into her thighs. For a moment, she considered the viability of just sleeping there.

The door opened and Garrus walked in, already stripped down to his leggings. “Your legs will fall asleep if you spend the night there,” he said. “And Lenka and I can’t run down to the crew deck during the night.” He walked over, set his pyjama bottoms on the vanity, and lifted her shoulders, sitting her up. Undressing her, he tossed her clothing straight into the laundry. “Come on, get up and get clean.”

Shepard brushed his hands aside, but reached out to undo the fasteners around his spurs before she stood and kicked off her pants. She picked them up and lobbed them listlessly in the general direction of the laundry. 

She shuffled over to the shower control, avoiding touching Garrus as she passed. She heard him moving around, finishing undressing, but what he’d said in the shuttle stung like a slap. Karin was supposed to implant the first of their children the next day. It never occurred to Shepard that the beautiful gift Mordin had left them might end up being a cause of unhappiness and exclusion for the very children they created. How much thought into their acceptability and attractiveness could she expect him to have put into it? Mordin enjoyed a good challenge, an intriguing puzzle, his mind far too busy to consider things like, would the children he engineered be tormented in school? If a universal truth suffused the galaxy, it was that children were horrible to one another. What if Garrus was right?

“You’re angry with me because of what I said about Terion,” Garrus said, laying his hands on her shoulders.

“Yes, and terrified because of what it means for our children, and emotional because of a month’s worth of crazy juice being pumped into my blood to get me ready to bring our babies into a galaxy that might consider them freaks. And sick because of the crap we saw today, knowing that I’m bringing our freaks into a galaxy where people do bullshit like that to one another. And heartbroken because in the course of one day, I’ve fallen in love with two people: one you tell me should probably just have eaten a bullet because no one will accept him even after he managed to keep himself alive through all that shit, the other one I have to leave here because she’s such a freak that I’d have no way to take her away from it, nor any place where she could ever make a home if I did.” Shepard collapsed against the side of the shower. “And I’m tired, and I want chocolate.” 

Garrus pulled her back into his arms and leaned forward to touch his brow to the back of her head. “I’m sorry, Shepard. I didn’t mean what I said about Terion. It was just the end of a really long, horrible day.” He let out a low sort of strangled moan. “I used a front end loader to scrape bodies off floors and dump them into bins like garbage all day. I didn’t mean to take that out on you.”

Shepard turned and wrapped her arms around him. “Yeah. The entire day’s been one giant, steaming pile of shit.” She kissed him and leaned her forehead against his mandible. “I’m sorry that you had to do that all day.”

He held her tight. “You know that I’ll love our kids, no matter what, right? You know that?”

She sniffed, tears burning tracks down her cheeks. “Of course I do. You’re the best person I know.”

He turned his face into her neck, breathing her in deep, and she felt wet on her skin. She rubbed his back and hugged him tight. Reaching one hand out, she turned on the water. “Let’s wash this day off and go to bed, eat some supper and hope that tomorrow brings something a whole god-damned lot happier.”


	30. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Twenty Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Checking out the relay.

**June 8, 2187**

Garrus realized two things within a breath of having spoken. The first: his mate had fallen in love with at least two of the people on the planet. Shepard fell harder and faster and more completely than anyone he’d ever known. He loved that about her, but it also made him incredibly sad for her. It also terrified him. The second: he’d just inadvertently told his mate that their children, the ones she’d already been suffering silently to give them, would be considered outsiders, potentially even freaks. Not his best few seconds ever.

 

She stopped him when he moved to touch her, and as much as she tried to hide just how sensitive and touchy the hormones made her, he knew better than to press it. Her upset was as much about the day they’d endured as anything else. Once back on the _Normandy_ and free of his armour, he’d fix them some dinner and coax it all out of her.

 

When he arrived in the cabin, he saw Shepard bend down, kissing Lenka’s sleeping form. He didn’t know if he’d ever seen her look so tired. He set the trays down, keeping his voice soft and his sub-vocals soothing when he suggested she eat. She grumbled about trying to shower. He stripped down to his leggings and followed her, needing to apologize, to try to ease the burden and sorrow she felt. Despite being disturbed by what Cerberus and the batarians had done to their prisoners, he'd been raised to put a wall between the suffering and his duty. Shepard . . . Shepard was a different story altogether.

She accepted his apology, and he took care of her, loving hands bathing her, then tucking her in bed with her tray. When she fell asleep before eating even half of it, he set it aside, and laid her down. Climbing into bed next to her, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in tight. She murmured softly, twitching a little in her first nightmare of the night, and pressed in against him. He nuzzled her brow and whispered soft words, his sub-vocals rumbling gently to help calm her. When she stilled in his arms, he watched her.

Before Shepard burst into his life like a flare in the night, he’d just pushed romance out of his existence. His first partner, Ridgefield, had tried to set him up time and time again, but he just had no clue how to even talk to a female. About the same time the guys at C-Sec gave him a framed certificate declaring him the C-Sec record holder for most women scared off, he just set that part of himself aside.

He leaned up a little, pulling back just far enough to see Shepard's face nestled in against him. Then this skinny little ball of fire and attitude shot into his life. He lost himself right about the same time she yelled at him in Chloe Michel's office. Of course, he didn't call it that at the time. He called it respect and admiration, loyalty to a fine—if slightly mad—CO, and eventually friendship.

After Saren, he meant to go back to C-Sec, but told himself that the Reapers still needed to be stopped, so he stayed on the _Normandy_. Each day became a little more awkward and hard to explain to himself. And then . . . his world ended. He went back to C-Sec because it was the bookend waiting at the other end of Shepard, then to Omega when that hollow place inside him screamed too loud to hear himself think.

Omega made things quiet. For a while.

He leaned down to nuzzle her temple, just a gentle brush of his mouth against her skin. She'd needed him more and more as the fights dragged on, Collectors, then Cerberus and Reapers. He held her together until she broke. Now, all he could do was hold those pieces together the best he could. He loved her beyond all reason, and beyond all understanding, she loved him right back.

Somehow, he'd make it all okay for her again.

He curled back in against her, pulling her tight. “I will.” He whispered.

 

**June 9, 2187**

 

Shepard and Lenka were already up and gone when the alarm went off the next morning. A note sat on Shepard's pillow, written in her almost illegible handwriting.

 

_“Gone down for breakfast. Thought you could use an extra hour of sleep. See you down there. Love you.”_

 

He flopped back onto his pillows and stretched. Every inch of his body ached. Even his plates ached. Cycles and cycles had gone by since he last worked as hard as he had the day before. Sitting up, he groaned, then chuckled at himself.

 

“Getting old, Vakarian.” Standing made him feel even older, but after stretching a bit, washing up and dressing, he regained enough mobility to avoid creaking with every movement. Before going for breakfast, he put on his armour. There wouldn't be time if they exited the other end of the mass effect corridor into a fleet of enemy ships.

 

His ladies awaited him at the table, Shepard having made him sliced dregat roast and krellar eggs. He grinned and sat beside them, leaning over to nuzzle them both.

 

“I helped with the eggs,” Lenka announced, leaning over to watch him eagerly as he made a show of getting ready to eat, dragging it out. She wriggled in Shepard's lap, giggling, by the time he finally put a mouthful of eggs in. “Are they good?” she blurted even before he had a chance to taste them.

 

He chewed slowly, drawing out the anticipation until she reached over and grabbed hold of his yoke. “Mmm, those are the best eggs I've ever tasted,” he announced at last, leaning over to nibble at her cheek. “You're still tastier.”

 

She giggled, high and happy, a sound that stabbed straight through him, wrapping itself around his heart, strangling it a little. Dammit if she hadn't stolen his breath just as quickly as the woman in whose lap she sat.

 

“Dad,” Shepard said, her voice cutting through his thoughts, “welcome back. There's breakfast under the lid in the frying pan. I made enough for an entire squad, I think. Hopefully it hasn't dried out.”

 

His father rumbled his gratitude, his sub-vocals tender. Garrus found this version of his father both a revelation and a mystery. He had no idea who this man even was. Eating his breakfast, Garrus watched his family, replying when necessary, but mostly just enjoying the moment. Who knew how long it would be before everything started exploding around them again?

 

“You came back up early?” Garrus asked when his father joined them.

 

“With Dr. Chakwas,” Herros replied. “Lost a lot of people overnight. Javik volunteered to take my place today.”

 

Shepard nodded. “Good, he has a strong gut. I trust his instincts when it comes to not trusting anyone.”

 

Garrus watched his father, seeing the toll that the day before and the long night had taken. Not just on his body or his mind, but his heart. Damned if he wasn’t a bad turian descended from a bad turian.

 

“Well, my darlin',” Shepard said, leaning in to kiss Lenka, “you going to spend the morning with Papa, then? What's the plan?”

 

“We were in the middle of building something,” Herros said, gathering their dishes. “Did you want to keep working on that after we wash up the dishes?”

 

Lenka gave him a wide grin. “I want to stay with Papa. There's a lot to get done today.”

 

Shepard kissed her and gave her a tight hug. “All right, then. We'll come track you down to see if we can get a few moments of your very busy day.” She chuckled, then gave her a peck. “I luv yah.”

 

“I luv yah,” Lenka echoed, kissing her before reaching out for Garrus. “Do we have to work on the big guns today?” she asked as he lifted her onto his lap.

 

“I don't know. We'll see how the day goes. Have fun.”

 

She kissed him. “Okay, let me know if you need me.” She wriggled out of his lap and trotted to the sink to help Herros. He just watched her, amazed at the transformation.

 

“So, my love.” Shepard turned to face him. “Coming with me this morning? Any last minute questions before we dive into this particular craziness?” Her hand reached up and pressed against his scars, her warmth keen and comforting against the damaged portion of his face.

 

“I'll come.” Suddenly, his gizzard twisted, nerves settling in suddenly and completely.

 

Shepard's hand slipped down to take his, her grip tight, reassuring. She nodded her head toward the med bay, then got up, pulling him up behind her.

 

Dr. Chakwas ran scans, then gave Shepard a shot. “Well, hopefully your body takes over after tonight. You two should have intercourse that ends in orgasm for you both fairly soon before. The hormones and chemicals released just make for a more natural and easier implantation.”

 

“What about afterwards?” Garrus asked, his voice coming out rougher than he would have liked, very glad turians didn't blush.

 

“Bed rest for the first twenty-four hours. No shower or bath for forty-eight hours. Only tepid showers until we confirm whether it has taken.”

 

“So, bed rest, no hot showers, and crossed fingers?” Despite phrasing it as a question, Shepard nodded. “Okay.” She bumped him with her shoulder and gave him a smile that made his vocals rumble deep in his throat.

 

“How did the night go on the planet?” Shepard asked. “I saw that Herros came back with you.”

 

“Lost quite a few,” the doctor responded, her voice sad. “Most of them were just too far gone.” She shook her head. “This Dr. Wright makes me uncomfortable, Shepard. I swear some of them had a really good chance. They were lucid, stabilizing, then we got up in the night to check on them, and they were gone.”

 

“So, you think Dr. Wright just might be our Dr. Mengele after all?” Shepard shook her head. “I don't trust her, so she goes nowhere without a small squad with her for the day. If she treats anyone, it’s glued to your side. There are going to be people here we can't move. There aren't going to be facilities anywhere that can handle them. Our best bet is to find specialists off world and put this place into their care. Put a kinetic barrier around it when we get back and seal it up tight. Meanwhile, keep an eye on her. Talk to patients when she's not around. See what your gut tells you.”

 

“I will. Good luck out there.”

 

“Come on, big guy, let's go jump through this relay and see what's on the other side.” She squeezed Dr. Chakwas' hand. “Thanks, Karin. Good luck to you down there. Be careful.” They left, heading for the elevator.

 

“You going to be able to stay in bed for an entire twenty-four hours in the middle of a crisis?” Garrus asked when the door closed.

 

Shepard nodded. “For this, absolutely. I have complete faith in my XO.” She let out a long breath and just pressed into his side. “Let's just hope there are no major surprises awaiting us on the other side. Hate to get blown to hell today.”

 

He just nodded, his mandibles twitching at her semi-joke. She really did have a pathetic sense of humour. Downright turian.

 

They emerged onto the CIC to a chorus of good mornings as they moved through, heading for the bridge. Joker and Tali were already at their stations, ready to go. Garrus stayed back a little, letting Shepard do what she did best. Despite his doubts about her mental state--all the broken parts of her--he possessed rock solid faith in Commander Shepard. That leader, soldier, and diplomat remained intact, strong and capable. That fact both gave him hope and filled him with fear.

 

He hoped that the war and its sacrifices hadn't broken her at all, just knocked some chips off the bone, but felt fear because if that part held her together, what would happen when she left it behind? Unlike on the _Normandy_ , when he reached Palaven, helping Victus put their planet back together would mean long hours of separation.

 

“Shuttle is away. Returning to the planet,” Cortez called. “Sure hope you don't need me on the other side. Good luck, _Normandy_.”

 

“Roger that,” Joker replied. “Don’t worry, we've got this covered, shuttle boy. _Normandy_ , out.” He moved the ship toward the the relay.

 

Shepard leaned forward, opening a comm channel. “Major Alenko, are you ready to follow us through?”

 

“Roger that, _Normandy_.”

 

“Good luck and godspeed to us all. _Normandy_ out.” Shepard closed the channel and backed up until her hand brushed Garrus's thigh. He left it, knowing she was just checking her six.

 

Joker let out a long sigh. “Okay folks, here goes. We are connected. Calculating transit mass and hoping for a destination. The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations reporting in secure for transit. The board is green.” He glanced over at Shepard, waiting for the nod. When she gave it, he took a deep breath. “Blessed Mary, mother of god, pray for us idiots now, and twenty seconds from now, at the moment of our deaths. Approach run has begun. Hitting the relay in three . . . two . . . one . . .."

 

Garrus found himself grinning as the rings sped up, charging, arcing out to encompass the _Normandy_ , pulling it into mass effect corridor, hurling it through space. It felt like witnessing a little piece of the galaxy restored.

 

They emerged into complete inter-stellar darkness, not even the relay visible.

 

Shepard craned her head to look out all the portals. “Tali? Scans?”

 

“There's nothing here but a black dwarf star, Shepard. Long gone cold. Unless any ships are using stealth drives, we are now well and truly alone.”

 

Shepard sighed. “Well, that was sort of anticlimactic.”

 

“You'd rather we came out into a massive armada?” Joker asked, glancing over his shoulder.

 

Garrus chuckled and laid his hand on her shoulder. “I would have thought the base on the other side was more than enough excitement for you.”

 

“No, maybe not an armada, but Balak hanging dead in space with a sign around his neck saying, 'Here you go, Shepard, we took care of this for you. Love, the universe.' would have been nice.”

 

He rubbed her back. “Can't argue with you there.”

 

“So, where are we, Tali?” She stepped forward and put her hand on the back of the quarian's chair.

 

“Well, here's your non-anticlimactic climax, Shepard,” she replied and chuckled. “We are here.” She pulled up a quadrant map.

 

“Is that?” Shepard asked, a grin spreading across her face.

 

“Yep. Palaven. We're three weeks out at FTL.”

 

Shepard patted the back of the chair. “Well, there's a nice short cut that Balak doesn't control.” She turned and grinned at Garrus. “Guess we have some more good news for Adrien when we speak with him tonight.”

 

Garrus tried to hide the slight rumble in the depth of his throat, earning himself a sad sort of half smile from Shepard. She shook her head a little as she turned back to Joker and Tali, and he sighed. She and Victus had formed a tight bond while the primarch lived aboard the _Normandy_ , and on the surface, he understood it completely. They had both been leaders burdened abruptly with the fate of their people, both having suffered loss, both unable to sleep for nightmares. They’d wandered the ship, separately for a few nights before they bumped into one another. For Shepard’s part, he knew she felt friendship, compassion, and platonic affection. Adrien on the other hand . . ..

From the moment, Palaven’s new primarch saw Shepard, he’d reeked of his passion for her, almost worshipping her. Victus played it cool, knowing Shepard’s heart belonged to Garrus, but he loved her with a fervor that Garrus knew all too well, since it mirrored his own. Even though rationally, Garrus knew Victus would never make a move out of respect for their growing working relationship and friendship, he couldn’t turn off the ugly voice that whispered, _‘One day, she’ll see just how weak you really are, and she’ll leave. For him.’_ He shook it aside, forcing it away. No. No, she’d never do that. She loved him--was starting a family with him.

 

“Okay, lets get back through. Kaidan can spend some time over here doing scans. Tali, coordinate with him. I don't want to leave our people stranded over on the other side for any longer than necessary.” Shepard patted Joker on the shoulder. “Good job, Joker. Let's get back.”

 

Garrus watched her head toward the elevator, liking the extra kick in her step, but for some reason, he felt uneasy. He looked out the ports, stepping up behind Joker and Tali, laying a hand on the back of their seats, the darkness of empty space all around them.

 

“Sorta creepily like the trip back to Earth, suddenly,” Joker said, his voice soft and lacking all sarcasm or humour.

 

Garrus shuddered and glanced back to see Shepard get into the elevator. He closed his eyes, the roar of Reaper lasers loud in his head, screams, explosions, people shouting to run. Shepard . . . Shepard turning back, half bent over, her face frozen with fear, but not for herself as a tank flew over her, rolling straight for him.

 

He shuddered and opened his eyes. Sudden, terrible grief closed his throat. He gripped the seats and turned back, forcing it away. The war was over, the Reapers defeated, and they were all okay. They were all okay.


	31. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's losing it, and then there's . . . yeah.

**June 9, 2187**

 

“Well, if it isn’t Rear Admiral Jane Shepard, spirit of war, saviour of the galaxy, vanquisher of the Reapers.”

 

Garrus stopped on his way into the comm room when he heard the primarch’s voice. He growled a little, his sub-vocals rumbling hard. He gestured to Terion to hang back, but he didn’t need to. Lenka had the young turian by the hand, introducing him to everyone in the war room, presently Specialist Traynor.

 

Shepard chuckled. “Hi, Adrien.” She cleared her throat and tipped her head in a slight, teasing bow. “Excuse me, Primarch Victus. My apologies.”

 

Sliding sideways a little, Garrus leaned where he could see Shepard and the primarch’s holo.

 

Victus shook his head. “It’s always just Adrien between us, Jane. It’s very good to to see you. Been a while.” His sub-vocals rolled in a way that Shepard didn’t react to, but they started the ugly snake of jealousy slithering through Garrus’s belly. Victus gave her a smile. “I miss our late night chats. Could have used them a few times since we left Earth.”

 

Shepard straightened, her hands clasped behind her back, becoming all business. “How are things with the fleet?”

 

The primarch’s shoulders dropped. “It’s taking us far longer than we hoped. Repairs, resupply …. It’s all dragging out. We’re going to start losing people if we don’t get our asses moving a hell of a lot faster than we’re going. We’re still eleven months from Palaven at current speed. We’ve got five months worth of supplies if we go to extreme rationing.”

 

Shepard softened her posture a little. “Send me the fleet’s location.” Shepard stepped forward, activating the secondary QEC. A small galaxy map flashed to life, a marker showing the turian fleet’s current location. “Well, what would you say if I told you that I could get you back to Palaven within three months?”

 

He stepped back, his chin rising a little, almost challenging her. “I’d offer you a seat in the Hierarchy.” The primarch’s mandibles flared a little, and Garrus wished Shepard knew how to read turian sexual signals.

 

She laughed. “And when I reminded you that I’m retiring?”

 

“Lavish vacations and luxurious houses?”

 

Garrus bristled, watching Shepard’s body language carefully as Victus’s became more overt.

 

“And when I reminded you that I have a large mate with an affinity for long-range firearms?”

 

Victus chuckled. “The best meal for three I can scrounge up when we all make it to Palaven?”

 

“It’s a deal.” Shepard nodded and grinned. “We’ve been chasing TPR across the ass end of nowhere, and discovered they’ve been looking for and activating dormant mass relays. We travelled through one today, and the other end is a system three weeks at FTL from Palaven.” She keyed information into the console and the marker changed slightly. “Here’s where we are. We raided a Cerberus base on the planet here. Found a lot of turians being held prisoner. We’re quarantining the planet--there’s a primitive indigenous people here who need to be left alone--but we’re going to be transporting a lot of the people and a pile of supplies with us to Palaven when we leave in a few days. How about we meet up here when we get back?”

 

“You’re going to need to explain all of this to me, Jane. We’ll have to make sure to schedule a 0200 meeting when we rendezvous.” Victus sighed and shook his head. “If you don’t stop saving my ass, I’m going to start owing you.” When he looked up at her, his face was serious, his expression one that made Garrus rumble again. “Thank you.”

 

“I have something else to tell you, Adrien.” Shepard stepped closer to the primarch’s projection. “We found someone on the planet who’d like to speak with you.”

 

Garrus turned and gestured to Terion. When the turian and Lenka ran over, Garrus scooped the child up into his arms and nuzzled her cheek.

 

Shepard turned and held her hand out to Terion. After a couple of shaky breaths, the young man stepped up the stairs. Garrus sighed and shook his head as Terion took Shepard’s hand. She just couldn’t help making people love her.

 

Terion looked up at the image of his father. “Hello, sir.” He sidled into Shepard a little, as if trying to hide the one side of him. Even though the extra limbs were hidden under a loose shirt, they made him look misshapen.

 

Victus moved as if to leap across the light years between them, his hands slamming down on the console in front of him. “Terion?” He looked back and forth between Shepard and his son. “How?”

 

“Our frigate was captured by Cerberus. The crew not killed were taken prisoner, sir.” Terion shifted awkwardly.

 

Victus took a couple of shaky breaths. “Are you all right?” His mandibles spread and fluttered hard with emotion. “I … I’m so glad to see you, son. I … “ He backed up a little. “Tarquin ….”

 

Terion nodded. “Admiral Shepard told me. I’m sorry, sir.”

 

Rumbling loud enough that even Shepard reacted, Victus shook his head. “Stop calling me sir.” His hand lifted as if he wished he could touch the projection of his son. He shook his head again and cleared his throat, shining tracks showing on his face even through the projection. “You called me dad a lot longer than you called me sir. I’ve missed you.”

 

Terion’s mandibles fluttered. “And I’ve missed you … Dad.”

 

“But you’re alive, and you’re safe with Jane now. Are you going to Palaven with the _Normandy_?”

 

“Yes. I … would it be all right if I came back with her to rendezvous with your fleet? Return home with you?”

 

Victus trilled in a way that made Terion chuckle. “Of course. I can’t wait to see you.” He looked over at Shepard, his entire body screaming his emotions. “I owe you everything for this, Jane.”

 

She shook her head. “No debts between friends. We’ll keep in touch and bring supplies for a decent meal when we meet up back here.”

 

Victus nodded then looked back to his son like the last thing he wanted to do was sign off. “We’ll talk again in a few days?”

 

Terion looked to Shepard who just shook her head and bumped him with her elbow. “Of course we will. Four days, same time.”

 

“Four days,” the primarch echoed, his sub-vocals thrumming with love and gratitude.

 

Still, it was up to Shepard to break the connection. “We'll talk soon. Take care, Adrien.”

 

He nodded.

 

Shepard killed the connection, then turned to Terion and grinned. “Well, if that wasn’t a father glad to see his son, I don’t know how to recognize one.” She gave him a quick hug. “I’m glad for you.”

 

Terion jerked a little, then bent to give her an awkward bump with his brow before turning and hurrying out, giving Garrus an apologetic grimace as he practically ran by. Garrus chuckled. Well, at least he didn’t have to worry about the son.

 

Shepard looked over at him and shook her head. “Don’t think I didn’t hear you over there, growling like an old bear.”

 

Garrus nuzzled Lenka and set her down. “Can you go see what Papa is doing?” he asked the child. “He’s probably getting into trouble down in the lounge.”

 

“Okay.” Lenka ran up into the comm room, pulling Shepard down for a kiss before she headed off, comfortable running around the _Normandy_ in a way he wouldn’t have thought possible a few weeks before.

 

Once the child left, Garrus walked up to stand facing Shepard. He reached out and slid his hand down her arm, catching her fingers in his. “I’m not worried about Victus, Shepard, but no, I don’t particularly enjoy listening to him flirt with you. Even if you don't react.”

 

He pressed her gently to one side of the room, noting the slight crooked lift to her lips as he tried to find them a tiny bit of privacy. He reached up and ran a hand over her hair, he sighed and pulled off his glove before doing it again. Playing with the curls, he savoured the silkiness against his skin. The closest thing he'd ever felt to that exquisite texture was the silk that formed after the flowering of the _tussat_ flower. Still, no comparison.

 

“Asserting your territory, Vakarian?” she asked, her voice barely loud enough to hear.

 

He shook his head, ignoring the rumblings of the ugly snake slithering through him. “No. Just wanted to talk to you without half the known galaxy staring at us.” Sliding his hand down to rest at the base of her neck, he leaned into her, pressing his brow to the top of her head, closing his eyes, relaxing into her a little. “Making sure you want to go ahead with our appointment.” He nuzzled her brow. “I know I can be a complete idiot, Shepard.”

 

She sighed and slipped her arms around him. “Yeah, you can be, but you’re my complete idiot. You think I’m oblivious, Garrus, but trust me, it’s not ignorance meeting Adrien’s . . . feelings. I know how he feels about me. I make sure not to send him any signals to encourage it.” Lifting her face to kiss him, she gave him a squeeze. “Let’s go see about getting pregnant, shall we?”

 

He held her tight against him, his face pressed into the warm, soft spot just below her ear. His heart raced, he breathed quick and shallow, his mind becoming almost incoherent as emotions tore into him like varren jaws. Love, jealousy, adoration, fear, devotion, aggression, the need to protect--to build a wall of safety and happiness around her--all battled until they combined into a passion he kept a tight, trembling grip on. He couldn't just take her right there. He rumbled low, trying to calm himself as the combination of the scent and feel of her, and her heat slipping through his clothing to warm him tore down his control. Spirits, he'd never wanted anything as badly as this tough, broken little goddess in his arms. His mandibles fluttered. Maybe he could take her here and now after all.

 

“Garrus,” she whispered, a gentle hand stroking down the back of his neck. “You're hurting me just a little big guy.” She eased back and turned her face to kiss him. “Come on, we've got some homework to do before we meet Karin.”

 

He tightened his grip on her, pushing her against the wall--gentle, loving, but insistent. His hand slid around her, talons grazing over her ribs to the waist of her uniform trousers.

 

Shepard pulled back the best she could and pushed at him a little. “No, Garrus, not here. Someone could walk in. Little hard to maintain chain of command when the crew is spreading rumours about us banging away like teenagers in the comm room.”

 

“Right now, I'm your chain of command.” He nuzzled down her neck, but reached up to his radio. “Traynor?”

 

“Yes, sir?”

 

“Watch the comm room door,” he said, his voice heavy with sub-vocals and muffled by Shepard's neck. He licked along her jugular groove and jaw to her ear.

 

“Aye, sir.”

 

“Thank you. Vakarian out.” Garrus dropped his hand back to the waist of Shepard's trousers. He nuzzled her ear lobe, teasing it with his tongue. He could feel her heart racing against his chest. “Are you afraid?”

 

Shepard let out a small sigh. “Afraid and embarrassed. We can’t do this here, Garrus.”

 

“And aroused?” He already knew the answer. The warmth of her scent told him everything he needed to know about the state of her body. “You want to do this here, don't you?” He closed his eyes and drew the scent of her over his teeth. Spirits. How could anyone love someone so hard without flying apart? The woman intoxicated him to the point where his grip on reason and sanity became so tenuous it terrified him. 

 

 _What if Victus feels this way?_ His grip slipped ever so slightly.

 

Shepard's breathing sped up. “Of course, I want you, but it just can’t be here.”

 

“What's the proper answer? No one is coming in.” he whispered, breathing against her ear. Smiling to himself as her body jerked, he knew that she felt every emotion he layered into the harmonics.

 

“Yes, Garrus.”

 

He bucked against her in turn as her words cut through him with equal power. His head tilted into her, breathing her in deep, pulling the air over the pheromone receptors at the back of his mouth. Victus could long for her until he turned inside out. Shepard belonged to him. His mate, tonight in truth, not just words or actions. He'd wrap around her and their family so tight that nothing could get to them. Spirits help anyone who tried.

 

_Does she ever wonder what it would be like pressed up against Victus, his tongue heating her skin?_

 

He rumbled. Pressing his mouth to her ear, he whispered. “I want to feel your mouth on me, Shepard.”

 

“Here?” She stiffened again, pulling back a little. She stared into his eyes for a moment, her hand lifting to caress his scars. She kissed him softly, then slid down the wall, her hands moving to push his clothing aside.

 

He closed his eyes, one hand braced against the wall, the other stroking her hair. When they'd first gotten together, he'd wondered how someone so soft and strange could offer release for everything he felt and wanted from her. The surprise had been a pleasant one. His head fell back as she coaxed him toward release. This particular surprise, however was one he thought might just lead to a great increase in turian/human relationships if widely known.

 

Hovering at the edge, Garrus slipped his hand down over her cheek, caressing his way to her jaw, coaxing her to stand. When she stood, her eyes locked onto his, and he leaned in, pressing his mouth to hers. She kissed him, those impossibly soft, mobile lips moving over the nearly solid plate of his as though he possessed the most perfect mouth she'd ever kissed. He let himself disappear into that sweet, gentle touch.

 

His hands tugged her shirt out of the waist of her trousers then slid underneath, pushing her bra up over her breasts. Both hands caressed and kneaded, pinching and teasing until she started lifting onto her toes, her body arching into his, her breathing rapid and deep. Her need for him--still a revelation--pulled him into her, melted him into her, a piece of dull lead diffusing into gold. His tongue swept over her skin, travelling down her neck, and he pushed her uniform up, continuing his exploration. One hand unfastened her trousers, pushing them down, his hands impatient and a little rough. When he touched her center, she cried out, a soft yelp of pleasure and need.

 

“No! Johnson, it's okay,” Traynor called out. “Admiral's working on one of the, ummm, relay panels. You know how you can get your fingers pinched in there. Why don't you go get us a couple of coffees? Good man.”

 

Shepard moaned heavily into Garrus's neck as he continued without pause. Moans of his own entwined with hers as she stifled her cries by biting the hide under his jaw. He pulled back to kiss her mouth again, whispering against her lips.

 

“Spirits . . . I love you, Shepard.” His words failed him before he could tell her everything she meant to him, how blessed and astonished he felt that she’d chosen him. “You're mine,” made it past his tied tongue.

 

“Always,” she whispered back.

 

He backed up a step and turned her around, gentle hands pressing her shoulders down until she automatically reached out to brace herself against the wall. He'd never taken her in the turian fashion, wanting to become comfortable with human positions and ways of doing things.

 

“Garrus? They’re going to be able to see.” she whispered, her voice quavering with fear and embarrassment as he pushed her trousers down off her hips. She pulled away, moving to straighten.

 

He ran his hands over her and down the backs of her thighs. He gripped her tight, his long arms wrapping around her front as he entered her, the deep thrum in his vocals dropping and becoming more powerful with possessiveness.

 

Shepard’s body became even more rigid under him, and he felt her heart racing. “Garrus?”

 

He bent over her, his breast bone pressed to her back, his mouth at her ear, his voice heavy with the harmonics that drove her toward release. “This is the way turians mate, Shepard.”

 

She moaned, her body surrendering to him once again. A pang of guilt wormed through him, warning him that using his power over her that way took things to a shameful place. He pushed it aside. Shepard was his mate, he just wanted her to relax and enjoy being with him.

 

As he built toward release, two words repeated over and over inside his head, burrowing down into the deepest part of his soul, sealing themselves there. The power of it made him dizzy and he clung to her, suddenly terrified—of himself, of how much he needed her, of how much he felt, and how desperately he wanted the children and life waiting a deck below them. She came, his hand lifting to stifle her cries. She keened into his palm, her hand pressed over his. He followed right behind her, fighting his need to mark her. He would. He would. Just not then.

 

Slowly, reluctantly, he pulled back, straightening himself. Then he reached out and helped Shepard put herself back together. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her with his imperfect mouth, and she returned his kiss, a soft brush of her lips.

 

The two words whispered softly between them, but she pulled away. “I need to go get cleaned up. Meet you down there.”

 

He nodded, releasing her, watching as she hurried from the comm room.

 

_My mate._

 

He left the war room, meeting Traynor’s awkward, jerky gazes with a slight nod of his head. “Thank you, specialist.” 

 

She just turned bright red and went back to her work. 

 

Seeing Traynor’s reaction, the guilt flared back to life, pulsing along with his heartbeat. He’d let it get away from him, and could very well have jeopardised Shepard’s authority. He sighed and tightened the reins. It wouldn’t get away from him again. Shepard was right, and he was an idiot. Victus set him off every time, and it had to stop. What would he do when working with the man? Beat the living shit out of the primarch every time he looked at Shepard? No, she was his mate, and she adored him. Spirits knew why.

 

He’d make this up to her, somehow.

 

Garrus strode quickly through the CIC and down to the crew deck even though he knew it would take Shepard a few minutes to shower. He’d thought it odd that Dr. Chakwas told them to have sex before she implanted their first potential, but he saw the reason of it now. Keep everything as in line with nature as possible. The guilt pulsed like a flash of blue in his head.

 

How natural could two completely incompatible species having offspring be? How natural had what he’d done been? Spirits, he hoped that he hadn’t screwed it all up, and Shepard’s body would be ready to accept the gift that they both wanted. A natural pessimist, Garrus fully expected their attempts to meet with disappointment as much as he hoped they didn’t. Shepard though . . . she believed the opposite. Spirits, for her sake, he hoped she was right.

 

_You’ve never deserved her._

 

He paced outside the med bay for five minutes before she appeared, still damp, hair dripping down the sides of her face. Chuckling, he shook his head and wiped the water away. “You could have taken the time to get dry.”

 

“I’m excited. And terrified. Terrified and excited.” She shrugged and slipped past him, catching his hand in hers on the way by.

 

As they walked in the door, suddenly Garrus became certain that the two women could take care of it by themselves. Of course, right then Shepard's artificial hand clamped down on his with a grip that ground the bones together.

 

The shades lowered, and Shepard let out a shaky breath. The moment Garrus saw how pale and frightened Shepard looked, his nerves bled away. He put his arm around her and led her to the table. She stared at the stirrups for a moment then took a deep breath.

 

“What do you need, Doc?” Garrus asked, calling toward the back room.

 

“Just for Shepard to strip from the waist down and jump up,” Dr. Chakwas replied.

 

Garrus grabbed a couple of blankets from the cupboard, laying one over the end of the table, holding the other one up around Shepard, giving her a little extra privacy while she disrobed. She climbed up and he covered her tenderly, then took her hand again. Staring into his eyes, she took short, shallow breaths.

 

“I'm sorry,” she whispered.

 

He frowned and leaned down to touch his brow to hers. “For what, Shepard?”

 

“If my insistence on doing this breaks both our hearts.” She gave him a teary half-smile.

 

“We both want this, Shepard. Both of us.” He kissed her.

 

Karin walked in, all comforting professionalism, giving him the confidence boost he needed. “You ready?” she asked, laying a hand on Shepard's knee.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

 

“Okay, scoot down a little.” Chakwas positioned Shepard, then pulled a scanner overhead, lowering it into place. “This is just so I can see what I'm doing.”

 

Garrus turned away, blocking out the details, keeping his focus on Shepard throughout. He heard Chakwas explaining everything as she did it, no doubt to help Shepard relax, but his mate's eyes never left his. He leaned over her, his elbows on the table, and reached up to cradle her neck in his hands, his thumbs caressing her cheeks. He felt her breathing, hard and fast, not at all relaxed.

 

“Remember when I took you to the Turian Cultural Centre on the Citadel for our last date before heading to Earth?” 

 

She smiled and nodded. “We looked at Palaven’s past through a softer lens. I loved how you described it that way.”

 

“We walked through the galleries of art, and then up to the holo-projection booth.” Her breathing slowed. “We stood on the top of that escarpment, overlooking the river and the city, and I told you how I climbed up there as a child and sat in the long, purple grass, just watching the world.”

 

“It was beautiful.” She sucked in a deep breath and winced.

 

“You could cramp a little,” Dr. Chakwas said. “Just breathe, long and slow. Almost there.”

 

Garrus felt as though he melted into her again, her emerald eyes fixed on his, both sets shining with emotion. “I told you that one day, I would take you up there, and we would lie under the stars in the grass.”

 

“And we'd make love.”

 

He nodded. “Yeah. Might not look quite as beautiful as it did in the projection, but as long as you're there, it'll be perfect.”

 

She smiled and pulled him down into her arms, holding him. He nuzzled her brow and her cheeks, then the tip of her nose.

 

The two words rose between them again, softer and less urgent, but all the more powerful for knowing that at that moment, his child was making its home inside the love of his life. When she'd said good bye to him on Earth, she'd told him that he would never be alone. Even if he'd found a way to live without her, he knew with absolute certainty, he would have never loved again. He kissed her, closing his eyes, just savouring the softness of her lips, the newly washed floral and spice scent of her, the minty taste of her tongue on his.

 

“Okay, I'm done. You need to lie here for another hour. Garrus do you need . . ..”

 

“I'm fine,” he said, not moving away.

 

“Yeah, we're fine.” Shepard kissed him, then whispered against his mouth, “Can you still mark?”

 

He nodded. “Yeah, it takes a couple of hours to work its way out of my system.”

 

“Good.”

 

He chuckled. “You know, it's very rare for a male to mark more than once. I might just be defective.”

 

Shepard pulled him down and pressed her cheek against his scars. “Then you're my kind of defective.” She laughed softly. “That didn’t come out as romantic as it sounded in my head.”

 

He kissed her again, the words whispering over them both like a blessing as his mouth slipped over her jaw and down her neck. "I love you, Shepard." Such ridiculously simple words, and he wished she could understand everything else he was saying at the same time. “Shepard, I’m sorry I pushed you.”

 

Shepard nodded. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian. All of you, even the parts you think aren’t worthy of it. I know I can't tell you everything that you tell me . . . " She caressed his throat. ". . . but I feel it. I hope you know that. I’m not going anywhere."

 

_My mate._


	32. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loose ends to tie up before leaving for Palaven.

**June 9, 2187**

Shepard lay in med bay, staring up into Garrus’s eyes, a hundred emotions grabbing tiny chunks of her and yanking. She should have refused him in the comm room. That voice led the chorus. Yes, she agreed to submit to his desires in that area, but as a Rear Admiral and captain of a vessel, some lines didn’t get crossed.

Damn Adrien and his casual flirtiness. She knew if she pushed Garrus away right then, it would strike right to the bone. No, right to the heart and pierce it in a way she didn’t know would ever patch properly. Still, she was a Rear Admiral, she couldn’t be tossing her panties around the war room.

Reaching up, she caressed his battered face. He kept such a strong facade for her that she sometimes forgot how fragile he remained. He’d built a loving, strong, compassionate, honourable man out of that rebel she met four cycles before, but he refused to see that he did the building, not her. As long as he thought his life built on her, the insecurity would eat away at him. She just hoped she could bring him around to seeing it before the house of cards gave way. God, if she lost him . . ..

“Time’s up,” Karin called, walking out of the rear lab. “Twenty-four hours inclined no more than thirty degree except to use the bathroom, of course. Gentle is the key. Keep everything as calm and flat and hospitable as possible. We’re trying to encourage someone to move in, so let’s give them a good impression of the neighbourhood.”

Shepard chuckled and sat up. Garrus slid her panties and trousers over her feet and pulled them up almost as soon as she sat upright. She reached out and caressed his face. “Now I know how Lenka feels.”

He just grumbled something and tugged her boots on. She smiled and hopped down, pulling everything back up and straightened herself. She smiled around him even as he tucked her in against his side and guided her toward the door.

“Thanks, Karin.” The smile bled away to something sadder and more genuine. “For this hope.”

Dr. Chakwas just nodded. Shepard knew that Chakwas had signed off on her despite not believing the reclamation of Commander Shepard complete. Shepard looked down and pressed her hand against the cramps in her abdomen. It didn’t matter. Commander Shepard was living on borrowed time now. Way too much awaited her out there to stare into the eyes of the dead for the next seven decades or so.

As soon as the door of their cabin closed behind them, Garrus scooped her up in his arms. 

She chuckled. “I need to use the washroom, big guy. You can get all Papa Bear in a minute, okay?”

Still, he carried her to the washroom door, setting her down just inside before retreating. When she emerged a moment later, he grabbed her before she even stepped out the door.

“I’ve never been so nervous to pee,” she laughed. “I know Karin said that if the little guys could just fall out, the human species would have died off eons ago, but still.”

Garrus carried her down the stairs and laid her on the bed. She started to undress herself, but he just took her hands, squeezed them and set them aside. Her eyes tearing a little, she let him take care of her, letting out a sad little sigh. When he had her dressed in her t-shirt and shorts and settled under the blankets, he changed into his pyjama bottoms--it still made her chuckle to see him wearing them--and curled up beside her, his head resting on her ribs, his hand pressed to her stomach. 

“We’re okay, you know?” she whispered, stroking his fringe. “Nothing broken, nothing bent.”

He nodded, but didn't speak.

She sighed again and just caressed him, humming softly.

“Where did you hear that song?” Garrus asked.

“I don’t know. I think James was singing when I went down there last. Why?” 

He ran his hand over her belly. “It’s a really old human song. I heard James singing it too the other day. The lyrics struck me, so I asked him about it. It’s called Carry on my Wayward Son.” He chuffed. 

Shepard shook her head and cuffed him gently. “That’s not you any more, is it? You’re a husband and father now. Not to mention a very present son.”

He leaned up and looked at her. “Husband?”

She nodded for him to sidle up beside her and wriggled in against him. “You’re my husband and mate, Garrus. I don’t need a ceremony and piece of paper for that to be true. This right here is what matters. You and me looking after one another and our kids.”

He took her hand in his, lacing their fingers, his thumb playing with her engagement ring. “Husband.” His mandibles flared a little, then flickered. She squeezed his hand. 

“I thought I’d never love completely again after my parents died. My father took my heart with him. You gave it back to me. You’re the only man I’ve ever truly loved, Garrus. The only one I will ever love.” She burrowed in against him, absorbing his warmth.

He wrapped her in his arms and pressed his mouth to her brow. “You scare the shit out of me, Shepard, but I can’t breathe without you.”

“I’m not what’s holding you together, Garrus. You know that, right? You’re doing that all by yourself.” She sighed when he didn’t reply, just tilting her face up to kiss him. “We’re going to be okay, big guy. We are.”

The door opened and Lenka bounded in, Herros on her heels. He stopped just inside the door. “Everything go all right?”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah, so far. Thanks for keeping an eye on the cutie for us, Dad.”

“Any time. She’s fun.” Herros lifted a hand in a small, somewhat awkward wave. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Dad,” Garrus replied.

Lenka ran and jumped on the bed, captured by Garrus before she could climb onto Shepard. “Do we have a baby?”

Shepard chuckled and held out her arms. “Come here, you.” She cuddled the little batarian in against her. “If we’re lucky enough that the baby decides to move in and let us be its family, it will be nine months before we get to meet him or her. She needs to grow up inside me first.”

Lenka snuggled in. “Just like the mothers. Most of them were very big when the Master took it away.”

Shepard kissed the child’s cheek. “Yeah, something like that, baby.” She hugged her tight. “How did we get so lucky to find you?”

Lenka giggled. “The angry man left it behind.” She kissed Shepard’s cheek. “I luv yah.”

Shepard pecked her back, but her eyes were locked on Garrus’s over the child’s head. “I luv yah back.”

 

**June 11, 2187**

Despite having one of the best reasons of all to stay in bed, Shepard bounded from the covers the morning after, eager to get back to work. Staying still meant way too much time spent in her head. After Lenka saying that the angry man had left her behind, Shepard could think of nothing else. What use could he have for the child? First thing, she intended for Dr. Chakwas to do a thorough scan to make sure there were no time bombs hiding. Whatever his reason was, if Balak left her there for Shepard to find, it wasn’t to make sure she got a good home.

Garrus met them downstairs when they arrived, having made them oatmeal with dried fruit in it. “Breakfast for my ladies,” he said, placing bowls and brown sugar in front of them. He served up a plate of reheated breakfast from the morning before and joined them.

“Thank you, love.” Shepard smiled and leaned in to kiss him when he sat beside them. 

“Thank you, Garrus,” Lenka said, spooning on a little too much sugar.

“Whoa there.” He chuckled and took away the bowl. “Leave a little for your mom.” Without a pause, he sprinkled some over Shepard’s, then stopped, realizing everyone was staring at him. He looked down the table. “What?”

Shepard grinned and nodded to the rest of the table. “As you were people.” She looped an arm around his neck and pulled him over, kissing him. “I love you.”

“Then tell me why everyone is staring at me like that.” He set the sugar down out of Lenka’s reach.

He needn’t have bothered, because Lenka was busy staring at Shepard then Garrus. Her little brow furrowed and a tear trickled down her face.

Garrus started and reached out to wipe it away. “What’s wrong, pretty eyes?”

“Did you mean it, Garrus?” She reached up for him, so Shepard let her go.

“Did I mean what, Lenka?” He took her in his arms and settled her on his lap.

“You called Shepard my mom. Is she?”

Shepard smiled and reached out to press her hand against the child’s cheek. “Do you want me to be, baby? It’s up to you.” She pulled Garrus over tight again as she saw the realization of what he’d said hit him. He wrapped an arm around her waist.

Lenka frowned, slow tears falling. “My mother is gone?”

Shepard took her hand. “I don’t know, baby. We could look for her if you want, but a lot of people died during the war. We might not find her. Do you remember anything about her?”

Lenka shook her head. “I never knew which mother she was. They all looked after us until the Master came to take us.” She looked at Garrus. “Will you be my daddy?”

He nodded and nuzzled her cheek. “If you want me to be.”

“We don’t have to be, sweetie,” Shepard said, feeling the need to give her an out. “If you want us to just be friends, that’s fine. You can still come with us, still live with us.” A gentle hand stroked the child’s arm.

Lenka looked at Shepard like she had never heard anything more ridiculous in her life. “I want you to be my mommy and daddy.” She looked at Garrus, then kissed his cheek. “I luv yah!”

He nuzzled her back. “I love you, pretty eyes. You’d better eat your oatmeal before it gets cold.”

Lenka moved back onto Shepard’’s lap and kissed her. “I luv yah!”

Shepard smiled and hugged the child tight, kissing her cheek. “And I luv you, baby.”

Garrus pressed his brow to Shepard’s temple. “Sorry about that.”

She shook her head and pulled back just far enough to look into his eyes. “I’m not. Not in the least.” Caressing his scars, she turned to look down at . . . her daughter.

“Is that good?”.

“Yes, Daddy makes the very best oatmeal. Even better than yours,” she said between bites.

Shepard sucked in a quick breath, her eyes burning, and looked down, focusing on her breakfast even though the lump in her throat made it hard to swallow. Garrus’s hand rubbing her back a little eased the beautiful ache, and she smiled. “Yeah, he really does.”

__________________________________________________________________________

Dr. Chakwas looked up from the readings on her omni-tool.

“She’s perfectly healthy now, Shepard. The malnutrition is all but gone, and I don’t see anything here that alarms me.” Karin ticked off fingers as she ran down the list. “No pathogens, no bacterials, no viral components, no unusual antigen-presenting cell levels . . . absolutely nothing. I even ran screens for chemical components, and she triggered no alerts for any known biological, chemical or explosive weapon tech or components. She is what she appears to be.” Karin tickled Lenka. “A perfectly healthy, adorable, six-year-old batarian.”

Lenka met the news with oblivious happiness. She played with Dr. Chakwas’s omni-tool, checking out her own heartbeat. “Dr. Chakwas, Shepard and Garrus are my mommy and daddy now.”

Karin smiled. “Congratulations, Lenka. I know that will make them very happy.” She gripped Shepard’s elbow for a second before turning away.

Shepard let out a long breath, relieved that Lenka was in good health, but the fact remained: if Balak was the angry man and he’d left her behind, he had a reason.

“How come I had to see Dr. Chakwas again?” Lenka asked, skipping out the door, hanging onto the admiral’s hand.

“Some of the people from down on the planet are going to be coming up here,” Shepard said, wincing a little at the partial lie. She swung their hands. “Some of them are really weak and hurt, so we just have to make sure that they won’t get sick when they come up here.”

“I can help,” Lenka said, her face earnest and heartbreakingly adorable. “I can show them where things are and help them get food.”

Shepard leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Do you know how much I love you?”

Lenka giggled. “How much?”

“More than cookies.”

“More than pudding?”

“Yep.” She led her to the elevator, their fingers laced.

“More than colouring?”

“Oh way more than colouring.”

“More than sunshine?”

“Definitely.” Shepard stepped inside and sent them down to the shuttle bay.

“More than Sophie?”

Shepard leaned back against the wall and made a face. “How can you even ask that? That robot dog is just plain weird.” She laughed and ran a loving hand over the child’s head. “Who are you going to hang out with today while I’m down getting things ready on the planet?”

“I don’t know. I’m going to miss Kaidan when he leaves for Earth. And Gabby.” Lenka sighed. 

“Yeah, me too. You and Kaidan have become really good friends, huh?” Shepard stepped off the elevator as the door opened. She stopped, hearing a musical, tinkling sound from over by James’s station. A thoughtful frown creased her brow, and she wandered over.

“What’s going on over here, James? Whatever that sound is, it’s pretty.” She peered around his bulk, but he threw a rag over what he was doing.

“Nothing, Lola.” He grinned down at Lenka and winked. “Just tinkering.” He gave Shepard an appraising frown. “Should you be changing altitudes today? I can take care of getting things sorted on the planet, madrecita.”

Shepard pressed her hand against her stomach. “Yeah. Didn’t think of that. Just ran before Garrus could convince me to stay flat on my back another day. Can you send Terion and two of the other turians who need surgery in the first shuttle run back? And make Liara come back up for a few hours. She’s got to be exhausted and needing a shower.” She thought for a moment. “Yeah, and other than that, just getting the transports loaded and ready to carry passengers. Garrus is going to look for crews for them when he heads down later. Sounds like there are a few officers still down there.”

She handed him her datapad of tasks and checklists. “If you need anything, just shout. You’ll know where to find me.” She chuckled and held her hand out to Lenka. “Well, kiddo, want to spend at least part of the day with me?”

Lenka giggled happily and grabbed Shepard’s hand, then looked at James, her face very serious. “Shepard can’t carry me because she’s got a little tiny baby the size of a speck inside her belly.”

Shepard blushed a little and raised her hand, rubbing her brow with her fingertips. “Yeah. Okay, heading back upstairs now.”

“Kids . . . the shortest cut to the naked truth.” He chuckled as Shepard’s blush deepened, and she punched his shoulder. 

“You’ll never know.” She gave Lenka a wink. “Come on, baby, let’s go find something to read.”

“Hey! Lola!” James called as they stepped into the elevator.

Shepard raised an eyebrow.

“I’m really glad for you and Scars. You guys deserve a little happy.” It was his turn to shuffle awkwardly, then wave. “Go on, get out of here. I’ve got a planet to organize.”

She smiled and nodded. “Thanks, James. That means a lot.”

___________________________________________________________________________

 

A couple of hours later, she and Lenka were lying on the bed, reading a book when someone knocked on the cabin door. She swung her legs off the side of the bed and stood. “Yes? Come in.”

The door opened to reveal Terion, looking awkward. “Admiral. I, uh, I was hoping to talk to you about something?” 

She nodded and waved a hand to beckon him inside. “Come on in and sit down.” She ushered him to the couch, then sat across from him. 

“Hi Terion,” Lenka greeted him without getting up from the bed. “I’m reading.”

Shepard smiled at him and raised her eyebrows. “She’s reading.” When he chuckled, albeit nervously, the admiral tilted her head a little. “What’s up, my friend?”

His mandibles flared a little at being called her friend. “You and my father are friends?”

She nodded. “Yeah, he helped me get through a lot of crazy stuff at the beginning of the war. He’s a very good man.”

Terion nodded. “A good father. My mother died when Tar and I were young, so he made sure we got as normal a life as a military man could offer.” He looked down at his sides, the four dead arms covered by his shirt. “I don’t know how to tell him about this.” When his eyes met hers, they were so filled with fear that she moved over next to him, and pressed her shoulder to his.

“Adrien will be angry about what they did to you, but he won’t think or feel any differently about you, Terion.” She smiled and gave him a little bump. “You know that.”

He nodded but sighed. “I’m not the soldier I was, Shepard. I’m not the boy he knew. That place ate me whole, and I have no idea who made it out this side.”

“Yeah. I get that, Terion. Probably more than any being in the galaxy, but there’s an old human saying that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. We’re stronger.” After hesitating for a moment, Shepard held out her hand, palm up. His hovered over it for a long time, but she waited for him to make contact before closing her fingers around his talons. 

“We don’t feel it all the time, but we are. And everything is open to us now. You’re not a soldier any more. I’m sure that if you wanted to change that, you could, but what about other things? You’re going home to a whole planet that needs everyone doing everything to rebuild it.”

Chuckling, he shrugged. “I always wanted to teach children. Not a very son-of-a-general thing to want to do.”

Shepard shook her head. “There aren't many careers more important or more rewarding, and something tells me that being the son of this particular general, or should I say, Primarch will work out for you just fine.”

Terion bobbed his head a little, his entire posture saying that he doubted her. “Perhaps. He and I can talk about it on the way to Palaven with the fleet.” He glanced down at his arms. “I need to go see Dr. Chakwas about my first surgery. Admiral, would you tell my father about this?”

“How about I stand there with you, while you tell him? If things get too hard, I’ll take over for you.” She pressed up against his side. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Terion.” She turned and gave him a gentle bump with her brow. “I’m proud to be your friend, and your father is going to be just as proud to be your father after he knows. Actually, I suspect he will be even more proud of you.” 

She stood, pulling him up with her. “Come on, I’ll walk you down to the med bay. I need to check in with Dr. Chakwas and the ground teams. They should be coming back by now.” She looked over to Lenka. “Hey, reading girl. You coming with us?”

Lenka bounded off the bed. “Can I hold Terion’s hand?”

Shepard huffed, then looked to the young turian. “That’s up to him.” She released his hand and headed for the door. He and Lenka joined her a moment later, holding hands and discussing her latest reading book. She sighed and grinned.

And then Balak laughed. _“How deep do you think the Reapers have to dig to find all these dreams and details in your head, Shepard? Right down to the bottom, so there’s nothing left at all by the time their ice-cold indoctrination tentacles have wormed through?”_

She shuddered, then shook it off, reaching out to rub Lenka’s back, needing to feel something solid and warm right then.

 

**June 13, 2187**

Shepard watched Terion walk away, waiting until he left the war room before she turned to the statue-like image of her friend.

“Is he gone?” Adrien asked, his voice low.

“Yes.” Shepard smiled. “He was really worried about telling you.”

“What in the name of . . .?” He paced a few feet back and forth. “What did Cerberus do to my son? The monsters. What the hell is wrong with your species, Shepard?” He ran his talons over his face every few words.

“Adrien.” Shepard sighed and stepped up to the QEC console, watching the turian primarch pace furiously back and forth for a few more seconds. “Adrien. Please, stop for a moment and listen. Okay? I know he’s your son, but he’s okay now. Dr. Chakwas is removing the extra limbs. He’s healthy and gaining strength every day. He’s one of the lucky ones.”

Victus stopped and stared at her with eyes so filled with anguish that it translated even through the QEC. After a second, he nodded. 

She smiled. “You know I won’t let any harm come to him, so let’s focus on the souls we can’t get home. I don’t trust the doctors left alive here as far as I can throw them. The computers are such a mess that I can’t sort out who participated and who was locked away. I need a team here in charge and a small garrison of soldiers to protect the people who have to stay.”

“You’re headed for Palaven in the next couple of days?” It wasn’t a question; she could see him planning.

“Yes. At 0700 the day after tomorrow. I want a turian in the position of Lead Physician if you can find me one. Two or three support physicians/surgeons. Once the relays are up, I’ll see about bringing in the asari, and we’ll send a couple human as well. I need a small contingent of soldiers, Adrien. Not to guard the place, but to protect the people. They're innocent victims, and I want people looking after them who will give them as normal a life as can be found.”

He nodded, studying her face. “What’s his or her name?” His mandibles fluttered. 

She chuckled and shook her head, a sad smile on her face. “I hate being so easy to read.” She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Her name is Susie, but because I gave it to her. Hanar/drell. Four years old, but growth accelerated. My god, Adrien, she’s sweet, but she needs to be in water, to have constant medication and care. She and the ones not as lucky as Terion need people to care about them. I’m going to make sure they get that at the very least.”

“I’ll have the guards by the time the fleet reaches the planet.” His mouth worked for a moment, then his mandibles dropped and snapped. “Thank you for looking after Terion. He seems . . ..”

“He’s been through hell, Adrien. When we got here, the survivors who'd broken loose were fighting over the bodies of the dead to survive. But he got through, and his heart is a good, strong one. He wants to teach.”

Adrien looked up and away, blinking a couple of times, before shaking his head hard and cracking his neck. “He always did. When he was little, I used to find him in our quarters with all Tar’s soldiers sitting in orderly rows learning to count or read, or being lectured on turian history.”

“Sounds like what he was born to do.”

He nodded. “Yeah. We’ll speak again in four days, emergencies notwithstanding.”

“Talk to you then.” She gave him a brisk nod and closed the channel.

 

**June 14, 2187**

“Admiral Shepard?”

Shepard looked up at the lead researcher as the woman stepped into the doorway. “What can I do for you, Dr. Wright?” She nodded for the scientist to come all the way into the room, then gestured to one of the chairs. “Take a seat. You still look like I could blow you over if I yawned.”

The thin, blonde woman seated herself on the edge of the chair. “Admiral ….” She wrung her hands then braced them against the chair. “Admiral, I realized that nothing we did here can be justified. Yes, we thought we were doing what was best for humanity ….” She sighed and looked down, her shoulders dropping. “Or we told ourselves that was what we were doing was making a difference, stopping the Illusive Man and his monsters.” 

Shepard just stared at the scientist, waiting for her to get to the point. All the justifications and hand wringing in the galaxy couldn’t fix what Cerberus had done to hundreds of innocent life forms -- people. She had no idea what to do; even Hackett was no help, having dumped the fate of the entire planet in her lap.

“Anyway, the few remaining staff been talking, and we want to stay here.” She held up her hands as Shepard took a breath in, opening her mouth to answer. “Please, hear me out. Earth can barely look after the people already on the surface. This planet is, if nothing else, a hospitable environment. We can live here comfortably and drain no one’s resources. We could, with the _Normandy_ ’s help, put up a kinetic barrier around the compound and several acres surrounding it to keep the indigenous people out.”

She stood, wrung her hands, then sat again. If anyone could look more uncomfortable or more contrite, Shepard certainly hadn’t seen it. But, she had seen a lot of very good actors in her time.

“Bottom line things for me, doctor,” she said, keeping her voice neutral.

“We could look after the people here. A lot of the survivors Cerberus experimented on … well, they see themselves as monsters, and don’t wish to return to their planets. They’re rightly afraid they’ll be seen as freaks and treated as outcasts. We could look after them here, give them a comfortable life at worst, maybe help reverse some of the damage at best.” She sighed and looked up, meeting Shepard’s eyes with a piercing, tear-filled stare.

“And I could trust that you wouldn’t just keep up the twisted work you were doing?” Shepard asked. Despite the question, between Dr. Chakwas’s report and her own gut, Shepard felt okay leaving Wright in charge temporarily. Anyone who wanted to stay and live in the nightmare that had taken them captive could hopefully be trusted to do what was best for their fellow inmates.

“I’ve found that nothing makes one want to atone for having committed atrocities like having those same atrocities committed against them.” She scratched at her chest, the chitinous armour the batarians had grafted to her covered, but very present. Dr. Wright shook her head. “If we’d succeeded here, who knows how many people would have been ‘upgraded’ because of our work.” She met Shepard’s eyes again. “Nothing can diminish what we did, but please, allow us to try to set right what we can.”

“The indigenous population of this planet must be left alone. We will destroy all routes into this place. You’ll be trapped and alone. When we get back to Earth, you’ll have a QEC, but it will take months for any relief to make it here until the relay network is back up.” Shepard walked around the desk and lifted a hip to sit on the front corner.

The scientist nodded. “I know, but we’ll either find a way to survive or we won’t. The environment here is conducive to farming most of the year, there are herds of the grazing animals to breed for food. I think we’ll be all right.”

Giving the doctor a tight-lipped smile, Shepard nodded. “We’ll be back from Palaven in just over three weeks. Primarch Victus, understandably livid about what happened to his son, is searching for someone he trusts to take over here. If any being on this planet comes to harm--if a mosquito dies--and I find out you were culpable, I won’t bother wasting valuable resources taking you back to Earth. I’ll just space you.” She stood and leaned forward against the desk. “Am I making myself crystal clear?” 

Wright nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

Shepard let out a long breath and nodded. “Okay, we leave tomorrow morning for Palaven and Earth. Whoever wants to go needs to be aboard tonight.”

Dr. Wright stood and reached out a hand. “Thank you, Admiral. We’ll prove your compassion well spent.”

“Good. I hope you can undo some of the damage.” She shook the scientist’s hand and watched her leave. “Doctor?” The woman stopped and turned back. “Make sure Susie gets held and cared for. I'll be back in three weeks.” Wright nodded, her lips pressed tight in a sad but earnestly determined smile.

“You ready to go?” Steve asked, sticking his head in the door. “Last shuttle leaves the station in ten minutes. You’re not there, we’ll leave you.” He grinned.

Shepard chuckled. “Sure. I’ll be there as soon as I say goodnight to Susie.” Shepard locked up the office she was using as a base on the planet and headed back to the exam room. The little girl popped up to the surface of her tank as soon as she saw Shepard, reaching out her arms.

“Hey there, gorgeous.” Shepard kissed the little girl’s forehead. “I’m on my way. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay before I go.”

The child swished around the tank once then pointed to herself then up at the sky.

Shepard actually felt her heart crack as the child asked to go with her. “Oh sweetie, I wish I could, but my ship is small, and you’d get sick up there without a proper place to live. But, I'm going to find someone amazing to look after you. They’re going to love you.” Shepard took the little hands in hers. “I promise you, I won’t stop looking until I do, okay? I’ll be back in a few weeks.”

Susie nodded but sank into the water.

Shepard turned away, glancing back before she left the room. She felt as though she was deserting them. Why had she come all this way if not to be able to help the people who needed it most?

As if on cue, Garrus walked out of one of the offices, Liara in tow.

“No, Garrus. I have until morning to try to get more off the computers.”

Shepard wrapped an arm around the asari’s waist, startling her. “Back to the ship, T’Soni. You can finish data mining in a few weeks. We pull out of town before you’ll even be out of bed tomorrow.”

Liara let out a grumbling sigh and patted the bag looped over her shoulder. “I do have hundreds of OSDs to go through. Cerberus did a very thorough job destroying everything for a group of people who were being invaded.”

Shepard looked out at the cleaned up garden, smiling at the people sitting out in the low, evening sun. “We can only do what we can, Liara. Think of how we found this place.”

The asari looked around and smiled, letting out an incredulous sigh. “Goddess, it doesn’t look at all like it did when we arrived.”

“And we can feel good about that,” Garrus said, wrapping his arm around Shepard. “Come on, we’ve got over sixty people to start on their way home tomorrow.”

Shepard heard the shuttle thrusters power up. “And I think Steve is making good his threat to leave us. Come on.”


	33. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> QEC calls galore and disaster

**July 7, 2187**

Shepard rubbed her hand over her sleep-tousled hair, trying to flatten it a bit as she trotted up the stairs to the comm room. She yawned and then activated the QEC, taking a step back as the weathered, exhausted-looking figure of Admiral Hackett appeared.

She saluted. “Admiral. We aren’t due to speak for a couple of days yet.” She frowned, noting the solid line of the admiral’s clenched jaw. “What’s happened, sir?”

He let out a long, grumbling sigh. “Sorry to drag you out of bed, Shepard, but I know you’re hitting Palaven tomorrow, and wanted you to have this intel when you land. We finished the Alliance’s new AI lab, technicians went into the storage container to bring out EDI’s processors, and they found the locker empty.”

Shepard stepped forward. “What? Gone? Was it a recent theft?”

“Last entry date on the lock code was two days before the _Normandy_ left Earth.” He held up his hands to forestall her reaction. “We’re investigating, but it looks like they were transported off-world.”

She raised a hand to scratch her head, an outlet for her fear and aggravation. “If it’s Balak . . ..” Pacing back and forth a bit, she tried to calm the sudden fear. “What would he even want with them? Is there any information on what remained in those processors? Or how much of what EDI was remained? Or even how damaged the hardware was?”

Hackett shook his head. “We weren’t in any shape to start answering those questions until now, Shepard. If Balak did take EDI, we have no idea what he’s got. I doubt she’ll be salvageable, but we just don’t know.” He sighed. “Just wanted to give you a heads up while you’re out there. Keep your eyes and ears open. Maybe something will turn up.”

Shepard nodded. “Yes, sir. Will do. We’ll be on Palaven for a couple of days; leaving behind some supplies, picking up a few specialists for the ex-Cerberus base, and stretching our legs. Then it’s back to Pertexa. We’ll be on our way home within the month.”

His answering smile seemed impossibly weary. “Glad to hear it. Good journeys. I’ll talk to you in a couple of days for the regular status update.”

Shepard saluted. “Thank you, sir. Shepard, out.” She snapped the salute, then closed the channel. Despite all the things that could have happened to EDI, she knew TPR was behind the theft. What the hell did they plan to do with her? She headed out, the war room all but empty early in the night shift. 

Returning to the cabin, she changed back into her sleepwear. Garrus got up and moved Lenka back over to the couch, the child having migrated at some point to curl in next to them. When he tucked the little girl in, Shepard bent to kiss her. Lenka murmured, twitching restlessly, so Shepard sat on the coffee table next to her and stroked her back until she calmed. 

Garrus ran his talons through Shepard’s hair. “Come on, let’s get back into bed.” He took her hands and helped her up, pulling her in tight against his side as her led her around to her side of the bed.

“Mmmm, you’re insanely warm.” She sighed and wrapped her arms around him, pressing herself tight along his length.

He nuzzled her brow. “Be even warmer under the blankets.”

She chuckled. “True enough.” She kissed him, then let go and slipped into bed. When he joined her a moment later, she burrowed in next to him.

“So, what was the emergency?” he whispered against her brow.

“Hackett on the QEC. They went into storage to get EDI’s processors, and they’d all been stolen. He thinks they were taken off-planet so wanted us to know before we land tomorrow.” She closed her eyes and let out a long, weary sigh.

“Balak?” 

She nodded. “Be my guess. Who else is running around causing everyone shit right now? I guess we’ll find out.” She chuckled and turned her face up to kiss him. “You know, when they’re shooting at us and blowing us up.”

He returned her kiss. “Meanwhile, sleep. Late night QEC calls do not make for a welcoming neighbourhood.”

She smiled and caressed his arm. “I love you.”

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Shepard returned to the forest. Although certain that she must have dreamed of it in the nights since she remembered dying, the nightmares stayed blessedly hidden in the recesses of sleep rather than waking her, screaming, as they had. So when she opened her eyes to see the pale trunks and swaying foliage, it took her a moment.

“And she shall come from the pastoral calm between the stars, stepping forth from the peaceful shores into a crucible of fire. Many times shall the fire mark her with scar and with weal, but she shall not bow before it.”

Shepard frowned and looked around for the source of the voice. It wasn’t Balak. In fact, it sounded like . . .. “Who’s there?”

Ashley stepped from out of the trees, a large book held open on her hands. “And she shall, after the great fire, bring forth from the darkness a scion to lead us from this realm across time and space to that great destiny.” She looked up and smiled. “It’s time, Shepard. It’s finally time.”

Shepard walked over and took the book from Ashley’s hands and closed it to look at the cover. “Blessed Scion? What is this, Ash?”

“Your destiny.” Ashley smiled and backed away. “You wanted to save the galaxy? Well, you did, and now you’ve got all of them to show for it.” She held out her arm, opening it to the forest behind her, and figures appeared in the trees, hundreds of them, all dressed in robes of white and gold.

Shepard threw the book aside. “I don’t want a following. I don’t want worshippers! God, Ash. I did what I had to do, that’s it. Would you have rather the Reapers harvested everyone?”

Ashley shrugged. “Who’s to say that wasn’t the better option, Shepard? Change is scary, but necessary. Maybe you screwed us all with your war.”

“Stepping upon the wasteland, she shall pass amidst death and chaos unscathed. The blessed scion within her care, shall flourish,” Balak spoke from behind her.

Shepard spun around. “What is your game now, maniac? Did you do . . . that?” She waved a hand toward the legions of people in robes.

“They’ve made you a goddess, Shepard.” He laughed and backed away, the book held in his hands. “Who doesn’t want to be a living, breathing goddess?”

Shepard jolted awake, her heart hammering in her chest. She sat up, looking around for a moment, orienting herself. Damn, she hated waking up like that.

Garrus stroked her back and then her arm. “You all right?” He tugged on her arm a little, coaxing her to lie back down.

“Yeah.” She lay down and curled up in his arms again. “Yeah, just a bad dream.” She closed her eyes and focused on his warmth, the comforting scent of him and his arms holding her tight. “Just a strange, bad dream.”

 

**July 8, 2187**

“Doc, I’ve never thought of you as a cruel woman until now,” Shepard grumbed. “Three weeks and four days. You’ve got to be able to tell me something.”

Dr. Chakwas chuckled. “I’ve been able to tell you something for a couple of weeks, but I wanted to make sure that the something I told you was certain.” She keyed a couple more commands into her omni-tool. 

Garrus chuckled. “She’s just torturing us now, Shepard. I think she’s actually enjoying it.”

The doctor smiled and waggled her head a little. “I am, in fact. But . . . congratulations. You’re approximately four weeks pregnant.”

Shepard stared at Karin for a minute, part of her brain having been convinced of the exact opposite. “It worked?” She looked to Garrus and then back.

“It worked.” Karin reached out and squeezed her shoulder. “Now . . ..”

Shepard didn’t hear the rest as Garrus lifted her off the table, hugging her tight against his right side, his arms wrapped so tight around her that she could barely breathe. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him back.

She’d been afraid that the reason for Karin’s reticence had been a case of the doctor waiting for some hope that it had taken. Shepard kissed the entire side of Garrus’s face, then slid down until her feet touched the floor. Looking out the window, she saw Herros and Lenka watching, and gave them the thumbs up. Lenka squealed and leaped into her Papa’s arms.

Garrus’s grip on her didn’t let up, so she slipped her arms around his waist and laid her head against his chest. “So, you were saying something, Doc?” she asked.

“Yes. You still need to take it easy. This isn’t a license to start weight lifting, boxing with James, and doing crazy things. Since we’re going to be landing on Palaven today, environment suit, fully sealed the whole time. Shielded cars only. Nowhere without the suit, even inside until radiation levels are checked. Understood? No taking chances.”

Shepard nodded. “Understood. No crazy chances.”

Karin laughed. “No chances, seemingly crazy or otherwise.” She sighed and shook her head. “Sometimes I forget who I’m talking to.” She returned to her desk. “Check-ups every week, and I have prenatal vitamins and supplements for you.”

Shepard pried her way out of Garrus’s arms and walked over to pick up the stuff that the doctor laid out. “Hey, Doc, I joke, but in this, you have a completely obedient patient. I’m not going to do anything to put this baby at risk.” As she listened to the rest of Chakwas’s advice and warnings, she felt a tiny light spark to life, burning down inside her. 

_Hey there, little person. I can’t wait to meet you._

Garrus wrapped his arm around her, his hand pressed over her belly, and she covered it with her own.

When Karin finished, Shepard gave her a quick, one-armed hug. “Thanks for this, Karin. So much.” She turned to look up into her mate’s eyes. “Ready to head home?”

He shook his head, his words, when he spoke, barely loud enough to hear. “I’m already home.”

She leaned up, kissing him softly. “Come on, let’s go get this boat on the ground.”

He nodded and followed her out.

Fifteen minutes later, Shepard stepped up the stairs to the main battery and faced her crew. Frowning, she looked over the group, trying to decide why they were all shifting restlessly and glancing around like they planned to attack. She shrugged it off. The _Normandy_ had finally reached somewhere everyone could take shore leave; the crew was eager to get off the boat and see sky, even dusty, scorched sky.

Garrus stepped over to stand on the right side of the stairs.

“Okay,” she called over the unusual amount of chatter, “we need to go over a few things before we land.” She held up her hands, trying to damp down the continuing noise. “Hey! People!”

James stepped up, the crew’s attention locking on him instantly. Shepard took a step backwards, confusion becoming concern as she sensed a trap.

“Okay people,” James called. “One . . . two . . . one, two, three.”

As one the crew started to sing:

“Hush little baby, duck and run. Your mama and daddy both carry big guns. And when those big gun’s shots are gone, mama’s going to give you a rocket drone . . .. ”

“Stop! Stop! Oh my god, that’s terrible,” Shepard called, laughing as her face heated up and turned beet red. She stepped forward, lifting a hand to stop them, but James just nodded to the rest. 

“And a one . . . two . . . one, two, three.”

The crew all took a step left, clapping their hands and swaying their shoulders as they started singing:

“Baby love, my baby love. I need you, oh, how I need you, love.”

Shepard cracked up and waved her hands. “Okay, okay. That’s more than enough of that.” She grinned wide as her crew clapped and hooted, her eyes tearing. “Okay, come on. You all know better than to mess with a pregnant woman.” She shook her head, but then bowed it a little. “Thank you. You’re terrible singers, but thank you. I hate to think of how much practice that took, and am slightly disturbed by my crew meeting off hours to do musical numbers, but I’m touched, thanks.”

She looked down at Garrus, who just shrugged. “They’re your crew.” 

Shepard waved down the laughter that followed. “Okay. Okay. Right now, we really do need to go over a few things before we land and you run for the exits. Palaven is in the same state as Earth. Although it’s a planet of people very much glad to be alive, like Earth, there are millions of displaced, hungry, desperate people. So, stick to the parts of the city that are being rebuilt. The Hierarchy is providing escorts to show you around and help you get where you need to go. They will all be identified by badges and lurking around the exits.” Shepard shifted to her other hip.

“Please, stick to groups of no fewer than three. I was told there are packs of varren and other wild animals that have moved into the city to scavenge, etc. Don’t take any chances. Everyone is permitted to carry a sidearm. Do so. Wear armour and breather helmets. I know it’s not the most comfortable way to visit, but we all know about the solar radiation, and if the wind kicks up, the dust is pretty brutal. I want to take off from here in a few days with everyone who landed, if that’s okay with you.” She grinned, and gave them a dismissive wave. “You have your leave schedules. Get out of here, and let’s get ready to land this boat. Dismissed.”

James walked over to her as she trotted down the stairs. “Hey, Lola. Hope you aren’t too pissed about that, but well . . ..” One of his signature crooked grins lifted the corner of his mouth. “The crew’s happy for you guys, and we figured what better way to show that than embarrassing the hell out of ourselves and you. No?”

She nodded her head toward the elevator. “You’ll be forgiven, if you make me your abuela’s huevos rancheros tomorrow for breakfast.”

He grinned and backed away. “Done and done, madrecita.” He gave Garrus a nod, turned and hurried off.

“Can you imagine what it’s going to be like when I’m out to here?” she asked holding her hands out a foot from her belly. “Between the teasing and the mother-henning, I might well regret not leaving it until after we’re settled.” 

He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his mouth to her temple. “It’s going to be great, Shepard. No matter what.”

She laid her arms over his. “All right, I’m headed for the bridge. You?”

“Just going to run through and ensure all stations secure. Meet you up there.”

She patted his hands, then headed out. The crew she met along the way gave her bashful grins and hurried about their business. 

“This is what you get for running a less formal ship, Shepard.” She entered the elevator and took it up to the CIC, but as soon as she stepped off, Traynor turned to face her.

“Ah, Admiral. I was just about to call you. You have an incoming message on the QEC: a Hierarch Rossus Degarius,” Samantha said.

Shepard nodded and changed course. “Okay. Thanks, Sam.” Shepard lifted into a jog down the aisle in front of the state rooms. She hadn’t been excited for anything in a long time the way she was excited to finally reach Palaven, even if it was just for a visit. Eventually, it would be her home. Something she hadn’t had in a really, really long time.

She trotted down the steps into the war room, finding Liara at work at one of the terminals.

“When you have a minute, I had an idea about tracking EDI’s stolen hardware, Shepard,” the Shadow Broker called.

“As soon as I get through this call,” Shepard confirmed. “I’ll be right back.”

She stepped up to the QEC, activating it, and found herself looking at the slightly stooped, but still noble figure of a turian. “Hello, Hierarch Degarius, I’m Rear Admiral Jane Shepard. How may I be of assistance, sir?”

His mandibles spread in a smile, and he inclined his head slightly. “Admiral Shepard, it’s an honour to meet you.” He paused when she nodded in reply. “The _Normandy_ is about to land in Cipritine?”

“Yes, sir, with two transports of turians we liberated from a secret Cerberus facility and a great many supplies: food, medicine, that sort of thing. We should be requesting an approach vector and landing instructions any moment.”

“I and a few surviving members of the Hierarchy wish to extend an invitation to yourself, Hierarch Vakarian and Commandant Vakarian to attend a small reception this evening.” He held up a hand to still her refusal. “It will just be me, two other members of the Hierarchy, and our mates. Herros is an old friend.”

Shepard smiled and bowed her head. “Then it would be my honour to accept, Hierarch. Thank you.”

“Thank you. We will send a shielded shuttle at 1700 hours Earth standard. I look forward to meeting you, Admiral Shepard.”

“And I, you, sir. Thank you.” The channel closed, and Shepard leaned on the console, making a low, mewling whimpering noise. “Here it comes, Shepard. The very best part. Stuffy dinner parties and receptions.” She sighed and pushed herself away. “Okay. Liara.” She turned and headed out to the war room.

“Admiral?” Traynor called.

“Yes, Sam?” Shepard stopped.

“Incoming call on the QEC, Admiral. It’s Primarch Victus.”

Shepard chuckled. “Okay. Thank you.” She spun around on her heel and marched back to reactivate the comm.

“Jane.”

“Hey, Adrien. What’s going on? It’s not our usual appointment.” She leaned back, cocking a hip and crossing her arms.

“You’ve arrived at Palaven?” he asked, looking highly worried.

She frowned and softened her posture. “Yeah, what’s going on?”

“I have been receiving reports from Palaven and other turian worlds about a religious organization called The Apostles of the Blessed Scion.” 

A tremor of fear sliced through her at the words. She closed her eyes and let her head drop. “Let me guess. The cult of Shepard?”

“Yes, and what I’m hearing scares me, Jane. They’re fanatics. I’ll send you the text of their manifesto, but it’s all basically about torturing you to death in order to bring about the creation of this Scion. This mystical being is supposed to usher in some great and wondrous era for everyone. I received it from my office on Palaven last night, read it, and I’m frankly terrified for your safety. Can you stay aboard the _Normandy_ while you’re there?”

She nodded. “Sure, I could, Adrien, but what about when we move here? And if they’re here, they’re on Earth and everywhere else too, you can guarantee that. I can’t spend my life hiding from Balak. That’s what he wants. I won’t do it.” She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head when he started to object. “I’ll have a squad with me at all times. I’ll be careful. I promise you that. I have a dinner with Hierarch Degarius and some of his friends this evening. He says he is an old friend of Herros’s, so I’ll be fine.”

“I know Rossus. He’s a bit . . . but he’s a good man. Herros and Garrus will be with you?”

If his face wasn’t so sincerely worried, she would have laughed, but instead, she nodded. “And I’ll take James Vega along as a bodyguard. Okay?”

He sighed and nodded, but it was a reluctant one. “Okay. Squawk twice a day, please? Until our appointed communication time?”

“Adrien . . ..” She nodded and crossed her arms. “Fine. Twice a day, but only because I don’t have time to argue over the boundaries of friendship with you. Trust me, that is coming. I’ll squawk at you in twelve hours. Good bye, and thanks for letting me know about them. I appreciate it.” Shepard stepped back.

He hesitated, then gave his head a quick, very avian bob of consent and signed off.

“What was that about?” Garrus asked from the doorway.

“There’s a cult out there, Apostles of the Blessed Scion. Adrien was briefed on them last night. His office sent him the manifesto, and he says that I need to be concerned.” She walked over to him.

“And why do you need to be concerned about this cult?” He stepped up one stair.

“Because apparently, it’s dedicated to torturing me to death in order to create some sort of blessed figure who will save the universe. I assured him that I’ll be very careful. In other news, we’ve been invited to have dinner with one of your father’s old friends, Rossus Degarius. I immediately looked horrified, as one does when trying to make new friends, and he assured me it was just a small dinner for a few friends in the Hierarchy.” She thought for a moment. “And their mates. Adrien said Degarius was a bit something and then changed the subject to say he was a good man.”

“I believe what Victus was trying not to say was that Rossus is more boring than a rock,” Herros offered from just behind Garrus, “but yes, a good man. Luckily, the other two people likely to be there are very good company, and all their mates are funny and very friendly. It shouldn’t be too painful.” He chuckled.

“Good to know. Okay, I’m going to tell James to dress in his blues and throw armour over them. He’ll be my bodyguard. Then I’m going to put on my blues and armour, and see if Lenka can cause trouble in the lounge for a few hours. I’ll meet you gentlemen at the shuttle to dinner at 1700 hours. She stopped and looked into Garrus’s eyes. “You okay, or do you want to talk about the Apostles?”

“You mind if I call Adrien and get the panicked version?” he asked, completely serious.

Shepard shook her head. “No. The reality, I’m sure, is somewhere in between.” She kissed him. “See you in a little while.” When she crossed the war room and climbed the stairs, she turned back to see them both standing there, watching her. Seemed that Herros wanted the panic version as well. 

“I can’t live my life in fear,” she grumbled to herself. “I can’t spend the next seventy years hiding under a rock.” She ran up the stairs and headed for the elevator.

She kissed Lenka goodbye at the airlock a couple of hours later and headed down to the shuttle, James in tow. He took his position as bodyguard very seriously, falling in exactly two metres behind her right shoulder to give himself the best possible peripheral sightlines. Shepard teased him as they made their way down the docking tube, but she knew it would make Garrus happy. Happier at least.

He and Herros were already sitting in the shuttle, chatting about reconstruction with one of the pilots, when Shepard arrived.

“Permission to come aboard?” she called.

“Admiral Shepard, of course, please. Welcome aboard.” The pilot offered his hand, then pulled it back as if he wasn’t sure whether he sure touch her or not. 

She offered her hand, not thrilled with the vibe coming off him. “Thanks.” She paused in the shuttle door and looked out over the city. “Palaven looks a lot more like Earth than I’d like,” she said softly. She offered her hand to James, pulling him aboard, then looked up at the escarpment across the river. Somewhere up along the top was Garrus’s favorite place in the universe. The one he where he’d hidden from the world as a child.

Garrus stepped up behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist, and pointed. “Right up there.”

She smiled and leaned back against him. “Yeah? So that would make the river just on the other side of that rubble field?” She pointed, but he guided her hand a little toward the sun as it sank toward the horizon. She turned and kissed his mandible, then pulled the hatch shut and moved to a seat. Garrus sat next to her and took her hand.

“So, Palaven is lovely,” she whispered. She shook her head. “It’s going to take us forever to put our home back together.”

“Only small parts of the city have been cleared and made habitable,” the copilot said, looking around the divider between the pilot compartment. “Most of the city is just a vast, toxic wasteland.” His mandibles fluttered softly. “You should have seen it before. It was a beautiful city. But, at least the city is still here, and so are we.” 

Shepard nodded, watching the city pass by through the front ports as they took off, flying higher. She tapped Garrus’s leg. “You guys aren’t all suited up. Taking advantage of the home court to just go out like real people?”

He nodded. “And it’s sort of an insult to go to a close friend’s house in armour. It implies a lack of trust.”

“Or that we’re in a ruined city with varren and all sorts of other wildlife waiting to chew on your very attractively suited up self.” She smiled and ran a hand down the black and gold trim. “Looking handsome though.”

“Brace yourselves!”

Shepard looked toward the pilot compartment, but saw only criss-crossing smoke trails before the shuttle floor slammed up into her then dropped away. The world torqued hard left, the shuttle’s metal frame screaming. Shepard flew over Garrus, arms and legs flailing like a rag doll, as she tried to catch hold of something. She slammed into the hatch, her arm cracking with a sound that echoed straight through her, just before the vehicle slammed into the ground. It rolled, tossing her a few times before a black curtain dropped on the world.


	34. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the heck is Shepard?

**July 8, 2187**

Garrus hit the open air lock at a run and didn’t stop until he reached the door that still claimed to lead to Mordin’s lab. In the seconds as he waited for it to open, he looked over his shoulder at the comm specialist who still stood at her station. “Traynor, get me through to Primarch Victus on the main and Admiral Hackett on the secondary QEC. I don’t care what you have to do to get ahold of them.” His words showed the strain running the kilometres back from the crash site had placed on his wind, but his fear kept him strong and fast. He’d bolted ahead, each heartbeat tolling like a timer counting down, constricting his chest with panic. Somewhere behind him, his father and James still ran at a much saner pace. 

“Aye aye, sir,” Traynor replied, her voice barely making it through the storm in his head. He saw her staring, open-mouthed at the blood streaming down his face, but just turned away and pushed through the door.

In the comm room, Garrus paced. He needed to move, but he had to get his head and heart quiet. He’d let Shepard down far too much lately, giving in to his weakness and insecurity. Now, when she needed him most, he couldn’t give in to fear and panic. She needed him strong, his mind quiet so that he could work the problem.

When Adrien appeared a moment later, Garrus spun to face him. He knew that Victus saw what had happened the moment their eyes met.

“How long?” Adrien asked.

“Under an hour. They hit our shuttle. When I regained consciousness, she and the two pilots were gone. She went fighting. We found one of the pilots fifty meters away, neck broken; the other one twenty metres further on. That’s where we lost her trail.” Garrus walked up to the console. “Her armour was piled there, Adrien. She’s out there unprotected, and . . ..” He looked down, trying not to think about what it meant. After a moment, he met the Primarch’s eyes again. “She’s pregnant. Do you know anything that might help us find her?”

The secondary QEC flared to life, and Admiral Hackett appeared, dressed in a t-shirt and trousers. “Vakarian. We just received a message from a group claiming to be the Apostles of the Blessed Scion?” He held up the datapad. “It says that they took Shepard, but that she won’t be harmed. She’ll be released at planetary sunrise and that her location will be revealed when her trial is over. What the hell is this?”

“We were in a shuttle headed for dinner with some of the hierarchy when we took three rocket hits. The shuttle went down; Lt. Vega, my father and I were knocked out. When we came to, Shepard was gone, along with the pilots. If they’re going to release her at planetary sunrise, it’s not going to be just outside the _Normandy_. We need to find her. She’s got no armour, and she’s a month pregnant. Are there any clues in anything you have that could help us find her?”

“Nothing I can see here,” Hackett replied, “but I’ll have people poring over it within ten minutes. I’ll keep in touch with the _Normandy_.” He moved to sign off, but then looked up. “Do you want me to let your sister know what’s going on?”

Garrus nodded. “Yes. Sol has good instincts, and there have to be Apostles on Earth. Maybe if she’s able to find some, she can get some information out of them. I’ll do the same here. Thank you, Admiral.”

“I’ll be in touch. Hackett out.”

“I sent the text of the manifesto to Shepard, Garrus,” Adrien said. “It’s a series of tests. This one has to be . . ..” Victus grabbed a datapad from someone off camera and scrolled. “‘Stepping upon the wasteland, the vessel shall pass amidst death and chaos unscathed. The blessed scion within her care, shall flourish.’ There’s nothing that indicates where, but wasteland, death and chaos say Cipritine to me. Let her loose in the rubble. She has no idea of the city’s layout.” He visibly pushed his fears aside. “I’ll force the doors tonight, see if I can get details from anywhere.” He stopped. “Garrus, we’ll find her and your child.” Adrien paused with his hand over the console, looking up. “And Garrus . . . kick with the spur.”

Garrus nodded firmly. “Thanks for your help, Adrien. I’ll be in touch. Vakarian out.” He closed the channel, spun around and ran back out. When he passed through the door into the CIC, he pointed to Traynor. “You’re my liason. Stick close to the QEC. Hackett, Victus, and the teams will be reporting to you.”

“Yes, sir.” She saluted and bolted for the war room. 

When Garrus hit the armoury, James had arrived and already had teams suiting up.

“Teams of five,” the lieutenant called. “No fewer. We need to cover ground, but I want to make sure you have enough guns to fight off resistance. For now, though, keep the gun presence minimal. Talk to people. Have the guides show you around the city. We’re hoping there’s someone out there who can tell us where she is.” He paced up and down, checking their armour and weapons.

“Garrus,” Herros called, “I need armour.”

“Yeah, you do.” He opened the crate of his extra suits. “Help yourself. You can use Shepard’s guns.” Hurrying across the armoury, he grabbed and checked her Mattock and Suppressor, laying them out along with some extra sinks.

The crew that had been on leave started returning to join the search. No doubt Traynor had sent word. Garrus felt a moment of gratitude, but shook it off and flung his locker open to get his armour. Suited up, guns on his back, he ran down the length of the shuttle bay to gather together the Hierarchy-provided guides. He beckoned to them, pulling them into a cluster around him.

“Admiral Shepard has been taken by these Apostles of the Blessed Scion. Have any of you heard of them?” A few nodded. He waited but none of them offered anything further. “Look, my human mate is out there without armour. We have until planetary sunrise to find her before they toss her and my unborn child out into the sun. If you have any idea where they might be holding her, I need you to tell me.”

“There are some warehouses over closer to the river,” a female spoke up, stepping forward. “They, and a few underground transit stations, are about the only places left that are big enough for a group like that to meet.” She wrung her hands a little. “I could point them out on a map. Maybe the search teams could start there?” Her mandibles fluttered. “She’s human and she’s really having your baby, sir?”

Garrus nodded. “She really is.” He nodded toward the armoury. “Come point those locations out, so we can get started.” He looked over the rest of them. “Anyone else know anything?” When they just stood there looking useless, he took the little female by the elbow and led her to a computer.

“What’s going on, Scars?” James asked.

“She knows of some places to start our search. Grab one of the guides per group . . ..” Garrus’s mandibles dropped hard as he looked toward the group of guides. Two of them were gone. “Damn.”

“Some of them bolted?” When Garrus nodded, James grabbed a couple of bodies and ran to the ramp. 

Garrus watched them disappear into the growing twilight, but then the female cleared her throat. 

“Finished, sir.” 

He gripped her shoulder in a quick thank you, then transferred the data to pads. They needed to get moving. At this time of the cycle, sunrise loomed no more than thirteen hours away.

James returned, shaking his head in defeat. 

Garrus shrugged it off. Setbacks didn’t matter, they needed to keep pushing forward. He looked to the female. “What’s your name?”

“Tella, sir.”

“You’ll come with my group. We’ll cover ground the fastest.” He waved to Herros, Tali, and Corporal Rankin from operations, then stepped up to the head of the milling crew.

“We have about thirteen hours to find Shepard before they throw her out into the sun to survive some twisted trial. Within twenty minutes of being exposed, any bare skin will burn. Within two hours, severe burns even on covered skin, dehydration, hallucinations, vomiting and heat stroke. I don’t have to explain to any of you what is on the line here. Every group takes a guide and heads for your location on the map. Ask questions if you meet people along the way. Be friendly. Investigate. Let’s find her.”

Without another word, he jumped into double time and ran off the _Normandy_ , headed for where their shuttle had gone down. Their best bet lay along a path between the shuttle and the closest of the ruined warehouses. He blocked anything out but breathing and covering the ground. The consequences of failure, he sealed tightly away. This is what he did, and spirits take anyone who got in his way.

When they arrived at the shuttle, four turians awaited them. Herros strode out ahead, greeting them all, then turned to beckon to Garrus. He sighed at the delay, but joined his father.

“Garrus. This is Girion Triddick, Patrian Novro, Rossus Degarius and his mate, Gira. They were to be our dinner companions.”

Garrus greeted them all quickly, but his mind leaped ahead, figuring out how to track Shepard through the rubble.

A gentle voice cleared its throat, drawing his attention to Gira, a tall, willowy female. She held a small animal in her arms. It had a long, square nose and heavy plates along its back. A patchy sort of spiny fur stuck out between them. He looked up, meeting Gira’s eyes, hope blooming. 

She smiled. “You’re familiar with _tryllics_?”

He nodded and took a step forward, but didn’t move to touch it, afraid to interfere with its talent. “They’re used for search and rescue. Is yours trained?”

She nodded. “Tulpa and I work in the high mountains each spring. Do you have anything that your mate has worn recently?”

“Yes.” Garrus held up a finger and ran to where Shepard’s armour still laid piled. He grabbed her helmet and undersuit, not sure which would give the little creature what it needed. _tryllics_ tracked people’s unique electromagnetic frequency rather than scent or other indicators. He ran back. “Will these do?”

She set her animal down, trilling a command using her sub-vocals. Garrus placed the armour on the ground in front of it, then stepped back. It crawled all over it, rubbing the top of its head over the inside of Shepard’s helmet. 

As much hope as the animal gave him, it seemed to be taking an insane amount of time getting to know Shepard’s unique signature. Maybe because she was human.

The animal looked up at Gira and trilled. Gira frowned, and then nodded to Garrus, beckoning him to one side, away from the men. “She’s pregnant?” she whispered. “With your child?”

He nodded. “Yes. How did you know?”

She nodded toward her animal. “He knows.” Her brow plates raised and her mandibles fluttered. “We’ll have to discuss how the entire human/turian hybrid works later, but because the child’s field is similar to yours, you’re confusing him. He’s able to track Shepard, but I’ll need you a good distance away from him.”

Garrus nodded. “Of course. Whatever it takes.” He looked up, distracted as a convoy of armoured vehicles pulled up. “How far away do you need me to stay?”

“Fifty metres or so.” She bumped his shoulder with hers. “Don’t worry. He’s never been wrong.”

“Thank you.” Garrus ran over to the tanks as turian and krogan soldiers began leaping out.

“Alpha company! Form up. Get these tanks out of here. There isn’t enough room for my fat aunt to turn around in this rubble.” A huge krogan moved through the others, buffeting them into line. “Come on, ladies. This isn’t mating season, and even if it was, you’re all too ugly to breed!” The krogan sauntered over to Garrus, giving him a quick jerky nod. “Vakarian?”

Garrus nodded and reached out to grip the krogan’s wrist. “Yes.”

“Ravenor Barl. Primarch Victus said that Shepard’s missing, ordered us to get our carcasses over here to help search. Where do you need us?” He turned before Garrus could answer. “Why are those tanks still here? Are you waiting for my fat aunt to come down here and move them for you?” He turned back and shook his head. “You wouldn’t have levo rations with you, would you? We’ve been stuck here on almost nothing for more than a year. I’m so hungry, I could eat a vegetable.”

Garrus tackled the first question first. “We have a _tryllic_ that should be able to track Shepard. If your troops could fan out from its position, we could cover a lot more ground. And yes, I’ll get you as much food as your men can carry.” He clapped Barl on the shoulder. “The _tryllic_ ’s handler is that female right there. Keep an eye on her.”

“I’ll keep both eyes on her if you can find me a steak or some varren jerky.” Barl said, letting out a bellowing laugh. He turned to his people. “What are those tanks still doing here? Someone’s losing some plates if they aren’t gone in less than a minute! All right, we’ll be fanning out in standard search pattern from this central point. Partner up! Five metre spread. It’s getting dark, and I don’t want any of you delicate flowers to get lost or wet yourselves.”

Garrus retreated out of the _tryllic’s_ range and called the _Normandy_ to bring supplies for the krogan. Traynor reported that contingents of turian internal forces had joined each of the _Normandy_ ’s search parties along with what air support they had. He shook his head. Adrien had earned himself a lifetime of Garrus indulging his infatuation with Shepard. In under two hours, he’d mobilized every military and civilian unit within range.

Once Garrus had everything organized and the krogan troops supplied with rations, he grabbed his team and set out ahead of the search line. The _tryllic_ alerted and dashed off into the rubble. It made slow progress, racing back and forth to lead its handler forward, far too slow for Garrus, so he asked Tella to lead his team to their target warehouse.

Full dark closed in around them, hampering their ability to move as quietly as he would have liked. The search line, although not using lights and keeping as silent as possible, still couldn’t help but make noise with so many people tromping through loose footing. Garrus hoped that moving fast and silent, his team might get a chance to slip in before the Apostles heard all of Palaven coming and ran.

Tella stopped, the datapad shining a soft orange in the night. Garrus picked his way over to her, leaning over her shoulder. Delicate talons danced over the keypad. Silently, she pointed out their route. She leaned the back of her shoulder into his chest, looking up into his eyes, her mandibles spreading. Garrus jerked away from her, gave her a small but absolute shake of his head, and headed out, not sure where the young female had gotten her signals so crossed that she would take such an intimate posture with him. He pushed it aside as the folly of youth and signaled his team to come in.

“How much farther?” Herros whispered, crouching next to him.

“Half klick. We should expect sentries coming up.” He lifted his helmet and took a long drink of water, then offered the bottle to Herros. After they all drank, Garrus settled his helmet back into place and motioned them forward, spreading them out until they could just see one another. He kept Tella on his right, glancing to her for directional guidance as they made their way down streets filled with ruined buildings, dead reaper units, crashed and burned out vehicles, and everywhere, the skeletal remains of the dead. If anywhere he’d ever been could be described as looking as though hell had rolled through, these streets were it, and in eight hours, Shepard would be lost in them.

They found the first sentry fifty metres from the building. Garrus let out a relieved sigh. At least they’d found the right spot. The Apostles made no attempt to hide or blend in, standing out in the open in their white and gold robes. That made him nervous. Hours remained before sunrise, why would they reveal themselves so openly and on such a direct route from the shuttle?

Garrus motioned to Tella and his father to get down, the signal passing down the line. He moved silently through the darkness, making his way from cover to cover, surveilling the enemy’s numbers and positions before picking his target. As tempting as he found it to just wade in shooting, he needed intel. Garrus grabbed the Apostle and spirited him back to Herros’s position.

The robed turian put up no fight, not even trying to call for the other guards when Garrus uncovered his mouth. He just smiled. “The vessel has been moved to complete her trial.” With the slight manic glow of the true believer, he leaned toward Garrus. “You know, don’t you? She saved us all from the darkness, and now she is a vessel to bring forth the light.” 

A fear like Garrus had never known settled into his gut. How did he protect Shepard from this? Insanity calling itself worship hiding everywhere in plain sight? What hope did they have for any sort of normal life? The most recognizable woman in the galaxy turned into some sort of Messiah. Spirits, Shepard wanted anything but this sort of madness. 

He sent Herros and Tali after the other two guards, then pulled his assault rifle and stormed toward the front door. If all the Apostles were as tame as the guards, his squad wouldn’t meet any resistance. But if they were all fanatics like the guard, they’d never tell him where they’d moved Shepard either. 

He kicked open the door. An assortment of humans, batarians and turians, some dressed in robes, others in civilian clothes, stopped mid-task and turned to stare at the small squad that burst in behind Garrus.

One smiled and stepped forward, his hands held out as if greeting beloved guests rather than invaders. “Welcome, brothers and sister.” The turian walked up to Garrus. “Do you need food and shelter? Do you come to join us in our support of The Vessel and her Blessed Scion?”

“Your ‘Vessel and Blessed Scion’ are my wife and baby. Where are they?” Garrus realized his mistake half a breath after speaking.

Beatific smiles spread over their faces, and they moved toward him as a unit. Tali, Rankin, and Herros raised their weapons, but only smiles and gentle, patting hands greeted their aggressive concern.

“You’re the father?” The turian laid his hand on Garrus’s shoulder. “You are most welcome here, brother. Did you come to witness the trial?”

Garrus shoved the sentry he held prisoner away, throwing the crowd back. “I came to get my wife before your trial kills her and my child. Now, where is she?” He glanced back as he felt the squad push up on his back, covering his six.

“The Vessel has been moved to be purified and prepared for her trial. No one here knows where that is, brother.” The first turian stepped back and gestured to the tables. “We have food and water here if you have need. We care for all, just as The Vessel cares for all.”

“We’re not going to get anything here,” Tali sighed. “These people are the scariest thing I’ve seen since the little rachni reaper skittering things.”

“Maybe if we appear friendly to the cause, they’ll let something slip,” Herros said, walking up to the welcoming turian. “Brother, do you mind if we have a look around? Is this one of the Apostles’ residences? Do people live here? Look after one another?”

The turian beamed. “It is, brother . . ..” His voice faded away as he led Herros further into the building, showing him around.

“Don’t suppose we can just throw a couple hundred grenades in and blow the place to hell?” Tali asked. “These people scare me, Garrus.”

He nodded. “Yeah, but they’re harmless to anyone but Shepard. Dad’s right, maybe they’ll let something slip if we talk to them, look around. See if you can find anything that helps us locate her. We’re running out of time, Tali.”

She nodded and turned to the nearest Apostle. Garrus watched her for a moment, then walked back outside to contact the _Normandy_. He sent their location and the need to transport and incarcerate a couple hundred people before going back inside. He noticed Tella following him, but then dismissed her. He didn’t have time to worry about a teenager’s crush; the warehouse needed to be searched top to bottom.

In the basement, he found a medical table, trays of instruments, scanners and evidence of all of them being used. Dingy water pooled on the dirt floor, filthy windows blended into the cement walls, and oil lamps hung from low rafters, lending the entire place the feel of a laboratory from a horror movie. He called the _Normandy_ again, asking Dr. Chakwas to come and see if she could decipher what they’d done to Shepard in that pit.

“Garrus, back-up’s here,” Rankin called from the top of the stairs. 

He double-timed out to meet up with James, the rest of the _Normandy_ contingent and Ravenor Barl’s company.

“Nice job cutting around us,” Barl said and laughed, deep and resonant. “Makes me wonder why you needed us to start with.”

“There’s a couple hundred extremely passive prisoners in there. We need to transport them to a secure facility,” Garrus told him, noticing in the light from the warehouse that Barl’s armour was, for the most part, a bright pink, although it looked like damaged sections had been replaced by ones in orange, purple and lime green. 

Barl grinned and stuck his chin out as if daring Garrus to comment.

No way in hell. He shook his head and turned to look at James and the others from the _Normandy_. “Go through, collect everything that looks like it might yield some intel. We’ve only got a handful of hours to find her.”

The shuttle approached, settling down to within a couple of feet of the ground. Rather than risk Dr. Chakwas hurting herself jumping, Garrus strode over and lifted her down.

“Show me where they held her,” she called over the noise of Barl shouting orders for his people to round up the Apostles.

Garrus led Karin into the warehouse and down into the basement.

She activated her omni-tool and scanned everything. “Well, at least all the tools and surfaces are sterile. That’s a small blessing.” She stopped at an IV still hanging from a pump. “I’m reading alien DNA here. It’s from Pertexa.” She muttered under her breath. “Reading fragments of the Pertexan mutagen and turian DNA, but that could have come from a number of sources.”

“Any idea what they were doing here, Doc?”

“Judging by what I see here, without more in-depth analysis . . . either trying to change Shepard’s DNA or your child’s.” She keyed her omni-tool for a few more minutes, taking readings, scanning. “It looks like they were doing both. This DNA sample is primarily Shepard’s. It looks like they were trying to graft turian radiation protection. This is your child, and it looks like they were trying to boost her intelligence, but some of what I’m seeing here looks more like a coding for artificial intelligence than biological. Very similar to the Reaper’s building blocks. What are they thinking?” She let out a long, worried sigh. “We’ve got to find them Garrus.”

Garrus let out a curse he knew didn’t translate and stormed upstairs, ignoring Dr. Chakwas calling after him. All the nightmares they’d seen on Pertexa roared inside his head. On the planet, he’d struggled to let the people’s suffering wash over him, to hold it at a distance. Keeping it there helped him calm the rage.

That distance shattered. Nothing cut any closer than Shepard and his child. He pushed past his father, snatching Shepard’s Suppressor from Herros’s hip. He slammed into the turian who’d greeted them, sending him crashing backwards through the rest of the gathered cultists. Grabbing a handful of the beatific fool’s robe, he lifted him off the floor, holding him with his feet off the ground. He shoved the pistol under the male’s jaw, his hand shaking with the effort it took to stop himself from pulling the trigger. 

“What were they doing to my mate and child?”.


	35. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, where the heck is Shepard?

**July 9, 2187**

Garrus shook the prisoner hard enough that a trickle of blood showed where the cultist had bitten his own mouth, puncturing the thin plate. “What did you do to them?” His finger twitched against the trigger, aching to squeeze. He gritted his teeth and held tight to his last thread of restraint, knowing that if he started shooting, not a single cultist would walk out of that building.

The turian’s expression never changed. “They were preparing them for the trials ahead, brother. They’d never harm them. The Vessel will bring the light.”

“I swear to you, if I hear Shepard referred to as the vessel one more time, I’ll take the entire mindless, soulless mass of you out. She’s not a vessel, she’s a woman, and all this insanity is the last thing she wants. Where is she? Tell me.” His finger tightened on the trigger.

“Garrus?” 

He looked toward the door. Gira stood half in, half out, her _tryllic_ couched in the crook of her arm. He followed her gaze back to the pistol in his hand, then lowered it, thrusting it out at Herros. When his father took the pistol from his hand, he stalked toward the door. He stepped out into the night air and took a deep, shaky breath. He was losing it, and he couldn’t. Freaking out and blowing away half of Palaven wouldn’t get him any closer to Shepard. He needed reason and calm to follow the leads until he found her.

Gira stepped up beside him, leaning into his arm ever so slightly, her sub-vocals trilling soft and calming. “Tulpa has discovered a new trail.”

Garrus looked to her, relief allowing him to relax into her supportive gesture. He nodded. “I’ll follow far enough back not to interfere and send the rest of my squad with you.”

She slipped her fingers around his wrist, squeezing gently. “We will find your mate and child, Garrus. Do not let panic slip you into dishonour.”

He blinked a couple of times and pulled away. “I’ll get my people.” At the door, he turned back. “Shepard will like you.” He nodded and headed inside. “James, Dad, Tali, Rankin, I need you outside.” He looked over to Ravenor Barl. “Can you see to transporting these kresat frasacti somewhere secure?”

The krogan nodded. “Could find an excuse to drop them all off a cliff if you wanted me to. Do the planet a favour, save oxygen for the rest of us.” 

“Just get them someplace secure. We’ll sort them later.” He looked to the rest of the _Normandy_ crew. “Stay with Dr. Chakwas, help her gather up everything in the basement, and get it to the ship.” When they acknowledged him, he headed back outside, retreating a good distance away to allow the little tracker to do its work without interference. 

Within a moment, the team set out. Garrus kept to high ground, checking the route ahead the best he could in the dark, ready to take out any threats. None appeared, not even a pack of roving predators, and as the time passed he needed something to shoot more and more. Visions of sick and deformed victims in the labs on Pertexa crept through his thoughts, transforming into nightmarish images of Shepard and the tiny life inside her. She could be out there, in agony, sick, dying, desperate for him to save her from the beatific smiles on blank faces.

A bullet whined past his helmet, cracking into the broken wall at his back, startling him out of his thoughts as particles of plasticrete peppered his shields. He dropped behind a skycar’s thrusters and brought up his Mantis, using the scope to search out the bastard who’d shot at him. Damn, why hadn’t he been paying attention?

The sky started to turn a deep navy, the horizon growing light enough to spot the sniper, a human or batarian in dark armour. The gunman lifted from cover and took a shot at the team, giving Garrus the perfect chance to send a disrupter round streaking through his shields and armour, exploding through his skull. Garrus sank back into cover, a long breath escaping his lungs, relaxing him into the tunnel vision of battle. This was the easy part.

He leaned out, drawing the rest of the enemy gunmen into revealing their positions. Three more bullets whined past, pinning him down. One struck the shoulder guard on his armour, knocking him back. He whistled for James, signalling for the lieutenant to circle around to the left so they could coordinate fire. Pinning the shooters down with quick, less precise shots, Garrus bought James time to move and set up. While James drew their attention and drove the nearest ones out of cover with grenades, Garrus scoped and dropped them. 

Once the bullets stopped, Garrus checked the area, but saw no indicators of life. It was only an ambush meant to slow them down. He sent a grumbling James back to point. Whether the burly human cared for his assignment or not, he needed to keep Gira and the _tryllic_ alive. Without the spiny little creature and its handler, they’d never find Shepard in time.

Three more ambushes slowed their progress long enough that he could see the way ahead clearly by the time Tulpa stopped outside a small housing complex. The animal rooted around, wandering one direction, then another, appearing confused. When it didn’t alert in any direction, Garrus took the chance and closed up.

“What’s going on? Has he lost her?” he asked.

Gira shook her head. “No, she’s here, just underground. We need to find a way in.”

“Why didn’t you say so?” James said. “Big holes caused by explosive force are my specialty.” He ran ahead, climbing over the rubble around the housing unit. After a moment, he waved everyone back a bit and tossed in a grenade. When the dust settled, he’d opened a relatively easy passage into the basement levels. 

Garrus hung back again, hating it, but he knew couldn’t throw himself way out ahead of the others. The moment he entered the hole and dropped down to the chill, dank, half-lit darkness, that went straight to hell.

“Garrus?” Shepard’s voice called.

James stood frozen at the other end of the room, turning his head one way, then the other.

Garrus ran ahead. “I’m going ahead, the rest of you stay with Gira.”

“Garrus, don’t.” Herros said.

“Scars, don’t be an ass. We need to stay together,” James said in a hoarse whisper, grabbing at Garrus’s armour as the turian brushed past.

Shepard’s voice echoed through the space again. “Garrus?” She sounded sick, maybe drugged. “Garrus.”

Garrus yanked free from James. “I won’t get too far ahead, whistle if Tulpa heads another way.” He jogged around the corner, heading into a large room filled with support beams. Small oil lamps hung from the ceiling, casting enough light to see, but also long, deep shadows that provided far too many places for the enemy to hide. 

His good sense warned caution, but then Shepard’s weak call overrode it, and he went in. Garrus stayed low, sweeping back and forth with his Mattock as he hurried through the room, pausing only to try to locate the direction of Shepard’s infrequent calls. A gunman stepped out of cover behind him. Garrus spun around, but the man fell before Garrus could bring his assault rifle to bear.

“If you’re going to be an idiot, someone’s got to watch your back,” James grumbled, moving up the room on Garrus’s three o’clock. They cleared the rest of the space as a unit.

Garrus paused at the exit, waiting to be sure they didn’t leave the rest of the team too far behind, only moving forward again when Tulpa trotted into the space, his little head moving like a satellite dish trying to locate a signal. Garrus nodded. At least he knew they were going the right way.

Shepard had to be there. He took out another two gunmen on his way down the next hall. They wouldn’t waste so many men for nothing. He grunted, twisting slightly as a bullet tore through his armour and into his side. His shields must not have had time to recharge after the last barrage of gunfire. He brought his Mattock around and took out the cultist, but not before a bullet grazed his mandible. 

At the end of the hall, he paused again, waiting for Tulpa. Too many choices branched off from that spot. 

“Garrus.”

He clenched his jaw and forced himself to wait. It did Shepard no good to run off in the wrong direction.

“Santa madre, Scars,” James said, running up to him. He grabbed Garrus’s omni-tool and hit him with a dose of medigel. “You do realize Lola wouldn’t want you getting yourself killed before you have a chance to rescue her?”

“They’re baiting us,” Garrus said, his voice a low rumble, stalking back and forth, the barely contained fear beginning to burn into fury. He thundered down the passage to the right, not wanting to interfere with the _tryllic_ , slamming through doors to clear the rooms. “Shouldn’t be able to hear Shepard’s voice just as clearly in any direction. They’re using comms.”

James nodded. “They’re buying time. Lead us around like a bunch of idiot pyjaks until it’s too late.” He turned to look back the way they’d come as Tali and Herros appeared at the junction. “You sure you don’t have berserker mods or something, Scars? I’m getting a little worried about you.”

Garrus shrugged. “I’ve taken worse.” He realized that his control had become tenuous at best. In his effort to keep focused, he was skewing a little closer to the way he’d fought after Sidonis than he found comfortable. Shepard had kept him from getting lost in that darkness and would not like him heading back into it for her. He needed to stay rational, and keep feeling, even though it hurt like hell. If he went angry or dead, she’d kick his ass.

Still, the sun would already be showing above the horizon, and Shepard was, more than likely, already out in it. If they didn’t find the right exit point, she’d be alone in the city for sixteen hours. The average human didn’t last much more than half that without proper equipment, and nothing he’d heard led him to believe they’d be giving her a pack full of food, water and zinc oxide paste.

He looked at James and shook his head. “She’s going to be out there.”

“Yeah, but if they come tougher and smarter than Lola, I haven’t met them. She’s not going to wander around aimlessly, Scars. She’ll distill some water, find at least partial radiation protection and move from shade to shade. You know that.” He chugged Garrus on the arm. 

Gira, Tulpa and the other three team members appeared at the junction down the hall. The small creature scouted first one way then the other before finally taking off in the opposite direction as Garrus and James. Gira didn’t follow. Instead, she cocked a hip, leaning back, her entire posture peaceful and at rest, waiting with complete trust in her spiny partner.

Garrus watched her, admiring the strength that lay at the core of that peace. He’d trusted the female implicitly as soon as he’d met her. Something very like the core of Shepard dwelt within her, or at least Shepard if she managed to heal.

Herros removed his helmet and passed around a water bottle. Only Tella refused to drink, the young female watching Garrus from behind the partial screen of Rankin.

A sharp trill alerted Garrus to Tulpa’s return as the little fellow trotted past him, coming from behind. Garrus cursed. The entire place was one big loop. He didn’t need Gira to translate that for him.

“You head that direction,” Garrus told the other group. “James and I will take this way, and we’ll meet up on the other side.” He turned, James falling in on his six. 

The two of them moved like a unit after the more than a year of fighting together. Unless Shepard needed EDI or one of the other team members for a specific mission, she tended to stick with him and James. He knew James had been one of her guards during her time in Vancouver. During that time, he’d earned her complete trust. Sometimes, Garrus wished he knew how.

“Clear!” James swept the room with his Mattock, then moved up. “You still with me?”

Garrus gave a curt nod, forcing his attention back onto the task at hand: death, dealt as efficiently as possible. He kicked open a door, two cultists leaping out of bed just to crumple to the floor.

“Clear.”

Each hallway, each room they cleared without finding any trace of Shepard wound the spring tighter and tighter in Garrus’s chest. At least they stopped broadcasting her calling his name before he suffocated. He glanced out a small window pressed against the ceiling, glaring at the pale, watery blue of predawn. 

Tighter.

Another room. Three more bodies.

Tighter, becoming difficult to draw breath. His pulse throbbing in his temples.

Another window and the watery blue became a soft blue-grey. 

Tighter. Endless rooms, more bodies. He sped up, dealing death swiftly and without mercy to the steady, pounding soundtrack of footsteps that moved from a quick walk to a jog. His pulse began to slam against the inside of his skull, beating out her name. _Shep-ard. Shep-ard._

“Hey, Scars. Slow down a little.”

Instead Garrus’s feet moved more quickly, finger squeezing the trigger as if it and the gun operated on their own, finding and dispatching targets while his mind turned in on itself.

Another window. Bright, early morning light and long shadows. _Shep-ard._ She was out in it.

His Mattock bucked five times in his hands. A new heat sink replaced the old.

_Shep-ard. Shep-ard._

“Scars.”

Garrus raced around a corner, his shields sparking and hissing, giving off an impressive light show as bullets tore into them. The shields went down with a buzzing moan of complaint, but Garrus had already homed in on the shooter.

James threw himself in front of Garrus, taking the next several hits against his shields before the enemy gunman fell. Garrus shoved past, stepping into the bright, streaming rays of sunlight shining into the hallway ahead.

“Dammit, Scars, you’re starting to piss me off,” James grumbled, stumbling.

Garrus ignored him, shoving his way out a door into the full brilliance of the new day. He leaped up onto the roof of a skycar and looked toward the sun, then spun around, torn between fury and helplessness.

“Scars! Dammit! Stop for a second.” James grabbed the yoke of Garrus’s armour and gave him a hard shake. “They drew us here because they knew you’d charge after her. Now we’re hours behind. We have to act smart here, or we’re going to lose both madrecita and the pequeno.”

Garrus looked over the city, the warm sun freezing his heart solid. “I think I know where she’ll try to go, but I don’t know if she’ll be able to reach it. If we don’t know where to start, how will we find her?”

James gave him another shake. “Giving up doesn’t help her any more than charging off half-cocked. We have the crew and the internal forces that Victus sent. Let’s use them.”

Garrus nodded and reached up, pulling his helmet off. If she needed him calm and in control overnight, she needed him doubly so now. “Yeah. We’ll start here, sweep across as wide a path as we can toward the escarpment.” He raised his hand to open a channel to the _Normandy_. Feeling something scratching at his boot, he looked down, to see Tulpa standing on his hind legs, his front ones reaching up Garrus’s boot.

“Hey there.” Garrus bent down and lifted the animal, settling it into the crook of an arm. “Guess I can’t mess up your directional thing now, can I?” He scratched the spines under the _tryllic’s_ chin. “Good work tonight, buddy. It’s not your fault we didn’t find her.” 

He lifted his fingers to his radio. “Traynor. I need scans of this entire quadrant of the city, and send the search teams to rendezvous on my location.”

“Yes, sir, but . . . sir,” Traynor said, her voice heavy with emotion, “you won’t believe this.”

Garrus’s heart stopped. “What is it, Traynor? Is it Shepard?”

She gasped. “Oh no, sir, I’m sorry. We haven’t heard anything about the admiral. It’s just that it’s amazing, sir. Thousands of people have been pouring in all night, along with search animals, shuttles, gunships, crews from the ships in orbit . . .. It looks like pretty much the entire planet is gathered at the docks to help look for Shepard. Ravenor Barl is organizing them.” She let out an incredulous sighing noise. “I’ll get them all moving in your direction.”

Garrus nodded, the lump in his throat constricting his voice for a moment. “Thank you, Specialist. Vakarian out.”

“Wait, sir. There’s a call on the QEC for you. I’ll patch it through.”

“Thank you, Specialist.” Garrus climbed down to meet the others as they pushed out the door. He pass Tulpa to Gira with an appreciative smile, then motioned for them all to rest. They’d been moving hard and fast all night.

He heard the call connect. “Hello?”

“Garrus. Have you found her?” Sol’s voice called, the connection patchy.

“Not yet. Were you able to find out anything? Are these lunatics on Earth as well?” Garrus reached up, covering that aural canal, as if he could make the call easier to hear.

“By the thousands, Garrus. How did we not even know about them?” She let out a grumbling sigh, but didn’t wait for an answer he didn’t have. “The cult is spreading like wildfire back here. I’d swear they’re using some sort of mind control, because these Apostles are terrifyingly alike and single-minded. Anyway, I managed to get myself invited to one of their enclaves last night and met with some of the junior leaders. Although I didn’t get an exact position, they mentioned enough old landmarks for me to get an idea of where she is. I’ve sent it to Traynor.”

Garrus let out a combination sigh of relief and curse. “Thanks, Stretch. I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”

“Hackett and his people are clearing out that enclave now, but when you find her, be really careful, Twig. They’re everywhere.” She snorted. “By the way, not the way I would’ve chosen to find out I’m going to be an aunt.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” He smiled when she chuckled.

“Congratulations, Twig. It’s amazing. Now just go get her back safe. I’d better hear from you tonight that they’re both okay.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Stretch. Garrus, out.” He closed the channel, his omni-tool beeping a moment later with a message from Traynor. It listed the landmarks that Sol had gotten out of the Apostles and then showed them on a map.

Garrus walked over and crouched next to Gira, showing her the map. “Are you familiar with this area?”

She nodded, then turned to look up at the sky as gunships flew overhead. “Yes.”

“Hey, Scars,” James said, pointing toward what looked like a dark cloud moving toward them, but was actually a fleet of shuttles and skycars. 

Twenty metres down the street, the kodiak lowered to hover near the ground. When the hatch opened, Ravenor Barl’s head looked out. 

“You princesses tired of dancing around blind, or should we just leave you here and go grab all the glory for ourselves?”

Garrus nodded, and waved to his team. “Come on, let’s go find her.”

James chugged Garrus on the shoulder. “Guess we’re not alone, huh?”

Garrus smiled, his mandibles fluttering hard. “I guess not.” He slapped James on the back. “Let’s go.”


	36. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard? Is that you? Where the heck are you?

**July 9, 2187 0100 hours**

Mould and dank rot clung to the inside of Shepard's nostrils. Keeping her eyes closed, she tried to move her arms and legs without success unless she counted the shout of pain from her broken arm. So, held captive underground, arm still broken--not exactly the rosiest of situations. She listened, trying to form a picture of the number and placement of her captors from the subtle cues of breathing, rustling fabric and footsteps. Three in the room with her, another two outside the door, and countless more above her. Turning her face slightly, she caught a through draft of drier air that smelled of dust and old decay.

She checked on the speck and found its light there, glowing strong and steady. At least the crash and the fight hadn't done it any harm. Well, unless the presence she felt was just a figment of her imagination.

_“Don't worry,”_ she said, her words a silent promise, _“we're getting out of here.”_

“It’s still some time until sunrise,” a male voice said above her. “Are you ready?”

Shepard opened her eyes and glared up at the human man. “Cerberus? Let me guess, ran for the relay as soon as the batarians entered the Pertexa system?”

He waggled his head. “Sort of. Cerberus yes, but captured on Pertexa. The word changed everything, Shepard. Hearing about the coming of the Scion changed me.” He closed his eyes and smiled. “The word sings to us. Surely, you must hear it? After all, you're The Vessel.”

She sighed and looked up at the medical equipment hanging over her. “Sings to you? Are you indoctrinated?” She lifted her head, craning it to look around her prison. “What is all this?”

“We’re preparing you for your trial. You must purify yourself and prove yourself worthy to bring the Scion into this universe, to guide and protect it until it can show us the way forward.” He smiled and laid his hand on her forehead. “Just relax. You’ll come to no harm with us. We love you and your child.”

Shepard scowled and sighed. “I'm just a woman. I'm no vessel, and my child is just that. Just a child.”

He chuckled and stroked her arm. “Such modesty. The word does not do you justice. Rest now, there are several more hours before sunrise. You'll need your strength.”

“Then how about fixing my arm?” Shaking her head, Shepard looked to the others in the room, noting the same loving, idiotic smiles on all their faces. If she didn't know better, she'd swear they'd all been indoctrinated by some mascot from one of those sunny, dancing, singing shows for children. She shuddered.

“Don't worry Speck, your dad totally has us covered by now. He'll find us.” She closed her eyes, taking the mad scientist's advice to rest. She needed to be ready to fight loose.

After the shuttle went down, she'd regained consciousness as the pilots dragged her from the wreckage, her shattered arm pulling her straight from the black void to full on screaming and kicking. The first one fell within thirty seconds. He hadn't expected his unconscious prey to spin behind him and twist his head around so he had a first rate view of his own cloaca. The second one ran. Shepard realized too late that he was running toward back-up rather than away from her, but she'd introduced him to his own ass as well before she went down.

She'd called for Garrus, but he must have still been unconscious. People in gold and white robes surrounded her, their faces smiling, their arms outstretched. She'd charged them, but they swarmed her, not hitting her nor fighting back if she hit them, just bearing her to the ground with their sheer numbers. Someone gave her an injection, and the darkness reclaimed her.

“We're moving to the cleansing area now,” the mad scientist told her, that same beatific smile plastered to his face. “You'll sleep for a time, and when you awake, you'll be ready to step forward into the full glory of your role in the coming ascension. It's a glorious day.”

“Ascension?” The word burned through her with a potent combination of terror and familiarity. She opened her mouth to say . . . something, but the words vanished into a dizzy fog that gradually faded to black.

Shepard woke in another room, this one above ground. Six people in robes stood around her, muttering a chant that she couldn’t understand. The room seemed to move in slow, looping circles, her eyes unable to focus on anything. Nausea filled her entire body, as if every cell, every particle of her being all demanded to throw up at once.

_They’ve done something to me. Maybe even something to the baby._

That thought send fear flaring along every nerve like flame along a primer cord. Just as Terion and Susie, all those poor souls on Pertexa had been altered, these psychos had done something to her.

One of the figures in the robes walked over and laid its hand on her forehead. “You should not be awake. Sleep now. You’ll need your strength for the coming trial.” She, for the voice was decidedly feminine, pressed a syringe to Shepard’s neck. 

“What have . . ..” Shepard tried to form words, but her thoughts dissipated like mist.

“Sleep now, mother of the blessed one. When you wake next, you’ll be cleansed and ready to face your destiny.”

**July 9, 2187 Sunrise 16 hours of daylight remaining**

“Consider yourself blessed, Shepard.” Six people in robes circled her, sprinkling her with handfuls of water. One of them spoke, but she couldn't tell which with their faces covered and their constant movement. She staggered, dizzy and nauseated. Her arm felt like a varren had clamped it in its teeth and still hung, dangling from it. A light dew of sweat beaded on her face.

“You've been chosen by the universe for a glorious fate,” the voice continued. “Only by embracing it and cleansing yourself through fire will you emerge from this trial. Good luck Blessed Vessel. We pray you bring the Scion through unscathed.” They stopped and broke off, filing through a door that closed behind them.

Covering her eyes to block out the bright light of the new sun that shone directly into them, Shepard staggered to the door and yanked on the handle. She hit the controls, but they'd been locked out. When she tried to activate her omni-tool, nothing happened: ditto for her radio.

“Crap.” She moved into the long section of shade next to the building and slid down to sit on the ground. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she cradled her broken arm against her chest, and wrapped her good arm around her knees. She lowered her forehead to rest on her arm, needing just a few minutes to shake the dizziness and nausea. Just a few minutes. 

**July 9, 2187 14.5 hours of daylight remaining**

She dozed until the heat woke her up. After a moment, she pushed herself up and looked around.

She had no idea where she was, but at least she seemed to have shaken the nausea. Turning a slow circle, she took stock of her situation.

“Well, Speck,” she said out loud, “we're still on Palaven, still in Cipritine, but I have no idea where.” She looked in the direction of the sun. “Sun's been up over an hour, so it's going to start getting hot. We can't stay here, or we're going to bake before lunch.” She turned another circle. “I have no idea where the docks are, no idea how to find people. Where are we going to go?” She looked up at the escarpment across the river.

“Huh. Don't supposed your dad would expect us to head there, do you?” She nodded and let out a long breath. “I think it's our best shot, and if I remember that holo-room right, there was a forest a quarter klick or so back from the cliff face. If nothing else, it’ll help keep us out of the sun.”

Shepard shook off the pounding in her temples, forcing herself to focus on the walk. It was going to be a long one, so she needed to be prepared. Palaven's weak electromagnetic field would turn her into a well-done crispy critter if she didn't protect herself. She held her arm away from her chest and tried to pull up her sleeve, deciding after screaming to just leave it alone. The heavy material of her blues would help control the swelling. A splint, maybe even a decent mud cast if she could find some plaster, would keep it as immobile as possible.

“Okay, Speck. Supplies. What do we need? Water and protection from the sun above all.” The area around her was baked dry, the ground cracked where it showed between the rubble. The river water would prove undrinkable, she knew that, but if she could find the means to start a fire, she could distill enough to keep her alive for the day. Then, she'd just need radiation shielding. Lead would be best, but she knew that her chances of finding lead in the rubble scraped zero. Too old and too toxic for common use.

“First things first. We're going to need water and lots of it. That means finding the river.” She rooted through the rubble around the building, finding a pile of discarded white robes. “Well, Speck, this is a start. I need to splint this arm. Just so you know, sweetie, nice guys don’t crash a lady’s shuttle, break her arm, and then leave it untreated.” Using her prosthetic arm and her teeth, she shredded one of the robes, then hunted around for wood. Finding a fairly narrow board, she stomped it into sections of the right length, using the strips of robe to bind the arm solid. 

She layered on all the robes, turning one into a headdress that she tied on with a leftover strip..

“The height of blessed scion fashion,” she grumbled, picking up a metre and a half length of rebar. Wrapping another strip of the white fabric around the end, Shepard transformed the scrap metal into a walking stick. She let out a long sigh and rolled her neck, trying to ease the ache behind her temples. “Come on, Shepard. Get moving,” she said, setting out.

On the way, she picked through crashed skycars, finding a couple of emergency blankets that she hung over herself, shiny side up and tied into place with her headband. She also found a large handbag and several empty bottles for water. A huge metal bowl provided her with a little shade when she put it on her head. “Remind me to strip all this off really fast when we get found. I look like an idiot.”

The sun beat down on her, glaring at her from every surface, an omnipresent enemy that taunted her with her human frailty. She found dark glasses in another car. Even though one of the lenses was cracked, they helped ease the constant pounding in her head.

_'Thought you could just move in here and make me your home?'_ the planet laughed. _“You haven't got what it takes to survive here without your environment suits and shielded sanctuaries. You might live here, Shepard, but I will never be your home.'_

“It doesn't matter, Speck,” she said, her voice cracking with thirst as the first hour of exposure teetered close to the second. “Palaven will be your home. Mordin saw to that. As long as you and your dad are here, I'll be good, even if I have to wear an environment suit to take you for a walk, or play with you outside.” She reached up and wiped her brow. “It's warm, though. I'll give it that. I need to take a short breather.”

Hunkering down in a patch of shade next to a skycar, Shepard sighed and took off her head gear, letting the wind dry her sweat-plastered hair.

“Once I have some water, we need to get some radiation protection over you.” She wrapped a protective arm over her stomach. 

Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back against the car. “Instructor Perrin, I’m sorry I called your orienteering and outdoor survival course three days of my life that I’d never get back.” She forced herself to focus on the problem through the pounding haze in her head. “Okay, so I don't have lead for a shield. I need to stack layers of materials. Tin, aluminium, copper, polypropylene, dirt. Concrete and steel are better, but I can't see being able to carry those very far.” She sighed. “Don't worry, Speck. I don’t know if the sun and radiation are much of a direct threat to you yet, but better safe than sorry.”

She rested for a few more minutes, then pulled her headdress, reflective sheets and bowl back over her head. Her body needed water and soon, regardless of how tired she felt. At least her arm had faded to a dull roar.

“Probably because the sleeve is cutting off circulation as your arm swells, Shepard.”

The first hour tipped over into the last half of a second before she reached the edge of the river. Endless city blocks of rubble, each looking very much the same as the last, stretched before her. She stumbled from shade patch to shade patch, feeling her strength waning fast as she dehydrated. 

Despite her efforts to keep all her body parts inside the robes, burns and blisters soon covered her hands. She wrapped them in strips off the robes, able to feel the burning deepening even still. Her lips cracked, mouth too dry to even wet them. 

At last, she crouched on a broken cement pier, weaving dizzily. Three hours without water . . . she needed to do something fast.

As she suspected, contaminants filled the river, leaving it looking like nothing she wanted to drink. Luckily, she’d paid attention to that part of Instr. Perrin’s class.

“We need a place to build a fire and find some pots.” She followed the river, picking her way over the refuse of war. Ten minutes along she found a basement apartment open to the river. The rubble had been cleared away, and a firepit built inside. Someone lived in there.

“Hello?” She ducked her head inside the casement. “Is anyone here?”

She followed her nose to a back room and the remains of the previous occupants, lying where they’d been mostly eaten by predators. Closing her eyes on the sad scene, she let the curtain drop shut over the doorway. Obviously, not a safe place to stay, with the ripe smell of food calling to every predator in the city, but hopefully she could manage to get some water before she needed to move.

“This place is a massive chunk of lucky, Speck,” she said, lifting a lighter off a counter. “Big chunk of lucky.” She built a fire, placing her big bowl on the grate. Filling a pot with water, she placed it inside the big bowl, then put a couple chunks of metal across the top, topping it all off with an upside-down bowl bigger than the pot but smaller than her sexy hat bowl. When the water boiled, the upper bowl would catch the steam and drip down into the bottom. Now, all she needed was time.

She stayed in the relative coolness of the apartment while she waited for the water. If she went out scavenging before she drank, she’d die. More than two hours, even with the thick layers of covering and the shade of her highly fashionable bowl hat, had drained her every resource.

Wadding up her robes to protect her hands, she pulled her construction apart as soon as she had a little water collected in the bottom bowl, pouring it into a bottle with shaking hands that barely noticed the extra burning. Cupping the bottle between both hands, she blew on it the best she could, sipping it with guttural sighs of relief despite burning her tongue. As soon as her mouth held moisture again, she rebuilt her distillery and sat back against the wall to sip at her water.

She drank a bottle’s worth and filled another bottle to take with her before heading out to find materials for her radiation shield. None of them proved difficult to find. She even picked up a few small pieces of steel to add extra protection where she most needed it. 

At the end of a broken pier directly out from the apartment, she found a small, flat-bottomed skiff. No doubt it belonged to the bodies. 

“Looks like our ticket across the river, Speck.” Shepard looked out at the river. Being so murky, she couldn’t judge the depth, but the current moved swiftly between the rubble. Swimming across would have proved difficult, if not deadly.

Back at the apartment, she laid out one of the robes to make a long strip she could wrap around her middle. Then she coated the center few feet of it with a half centimetre thick layer of mud from the river, laid down several layers of aluminum foil, more mud, tin, mud, the steel plates, mud, some heavy black polypropylene, mud and then aluminium again. Once her water was finished, she’d melt down the copper wire she’d found to finish it off.

Despite having a cool, shaded shelter, the minutes and eventually hours weighed more and more heavily on Shepard. Whatever killed the people who lived there would come back, and without even a door to keep the predators at bay, she wouldn’t fare much better than the previous occupants. Besides, she needed to keep moving, to get somewhere Garrus had at least a chance to find her. Down here, it could take days for them to find her, even if she lit a fire. No, moving remained her best option. Get to the escarpment and take shelter in the trees. He’d know she would head there.

Once she filled her water bottles, and drank her fill, she used the remaining clean water to make a thick mud to coat her hands and face to help ward off at least a little sun. Searching through the cabinets, she found a container, filling it with the rest of the mud. No doubt, she’d need to reapply regularly.

Wadding the copper wire into chunks, Shepard added them to the pot until she had enough copper to pour a thin layer the length of the belly band. She just prayed that she’d made it light enough to carry it long term. Once the mud dried, it would lighten up and hopefully fit to her well enough to let her hips bear a lot of the weight. Waiting only until the copper cooled enough to not burn through the layers of her robes, Shepard lifted it and wrapped it low around her middle, snugging it up good and tight before ripping and tying the ends. She crouched and bent a little, finding it heavy but not unwieldy.

A low rumbling sound drifted in from outside, alerting Shepard to danger. She stuffed the lighter and bottles of water into the bag, looping the handle over her head. Fingers scrambled along the ground looking for her walking stick, while she kept her eyes up and focused on the door. Damn, she’d left her walking stick, her only weapon, outside.

Shepard bolted for the door. If varren pinned her in the apartment, they’d kill her. She snatched the rebar from the outside wall, burning her fingers on the bare metal. Turning a slow circle, she spotted the first set of bulbous, reflective eyes between crates no more than twenty metres away. She stuffed the rebar under her arm and crouched, picking up a chunk of concrete as she backed up, moving toward the dock and the small boat.

Four more varren appeared, spreading out to surround her, their movements slow and patient. All their senses declared her weak, easy prey. Hopefully she proved them wrong. One lunged at her. She threw the concrete, hitting it square in the head, backing it off a little.

Shepard glanced behind her as the sound of her footsteps turned hollow. She checked the locations of the holes in the damaged pier, where the swirling, angry water dared her to try to make her way through without looking. A growling bark drew her attention back to her stalkers. One growled and snapped at her as if sensing its window of opportunity closing. It and one other followed her onto the dock, the other three moved down the shoreline.

Shepard glanced around. What did the ones on shore have planned? Distraction or something else? Pushing that concern aside, she tried to figure out how to untie the boat, get inside and shove off before eighty kilos of muscle and teeth moving at thirty kph took her down.

Her heel slipped off the edge. Arms flailing, she tipped backwards, pulling every muscle, straining them until they screamed as she fought to regain her balance. The lead varren ran at her, but her walking stick cracked it under the jaw, and it snapped but backed away. Shepard caught herself, risking a glance over her shoulder before stepping around the hole.

“Way to nearly get yourself killed, Shepard,” she grumbled. With one more glance back, she stepped down into the small, flat-bottomed skiff. Swinging her rebar walking stick at the varren on the dock, she snatched the end of the rope, pulling it free. She braced her prosthetic leg against the concrete and shoved off as hard as she could. Losing her balance, she fell backwards, her shoulders and both arms hanging over the skiff's short sides.

“Well, I'm on my ass, but at least I’m in the boat.”

A blur of movement dragged Shepard's gaze to the dock, then with a sudden rush of horror, weight and flashing teeth, the lead varren leaped over the water. It crashed into her chest hard enough to slam the air out of her lungs and tipped the skiff, flipping both of them over the side into the river. 

Hitting the water in a blinding maelstrom of mud, bubbles and flailing varren broke through Shepard’s shock. She fought back against the animal as it used her as a ladder to the surface, punching it in the eye until it fled. Shepard watched its paws swim away, then braced her feet against the bottom and launched herself up toward the air.

She reached out for the boat, her good hand grabbing hold, but then something slammed into her from behind, grabbing hold of and enveloping her leg. She surged up as far as she could to grab a breath of air, then dropped down, her belly shield pulling her to the bottom. Her leg had slipped in between the tire and body of an upside down tank. Grabbing hold of the metal, she pulled herself down, letting out a garbled burst of sound and bubbles as she gripped her pant leg with her bad arm and yanked. The material tore, setting her loose, tumbling into a deeper current. It rolled her over, scrambling her sense of up and down as it dragged her along the bottom. Her broken arm complained again as her splint snagged on a patch of torn up, tangled metal.

Her lungs aching, insisting on getting some air soon, she tore at the splint, feeling the bone in her arm grinding broken end against broken end as she yanked. Finally, the caught strap gave way, releasing her to the mercy of the current once more. She pushed off the bottom, managing to break the surface for two gasps of air before the combination of the current and the weight of her radiation shield bore her down into the brown-green depths.

“How very appropriate that you should seek me now, Shepard,” Balak said, a wide, almost joyful smile splitting his face as he floated before her, a shimmering hallucination barely visible against the churning water. “For when I sought you out, I was drowning in the darkness, awash in rage and desire for righteous vengeance. When I tracked you down in the refugee camp and held that gun to your head, I thought that ending you would end the pain, the rage, and the frustration I felt over losing my people.”

Shepard floundered, her lungs screaming, the metal around her waist bearing her to the bottom. She seemed to sink forever into the gloom and filth. Bodies reared out of the wreckage like nightmares, arms swaying, reaching out to embrace her in death.

Balak laughed, a throaty laugh of pure bliss. “Then you told me how to save my people. How to save us all. You showed me that the Reapers were just a test, a trial to be endured, a darkness to be purged so that together, we could ascend further than we ever dreamed. You saved me, Shepard. Don't you understand? I don't hate you. I love you.”

Shepard's feet hit bottom. She coiled herself, her hands reaching for the ties that held her radiation shield in place. If she didn't drop it, she could well drown right there. She glanced to her side, seeing movement, and found herself staring into the half-empty eye sockets and gaping mouth of a turian. She cried out, losing some of her precious air, watching it scurry toward the surface without her. She needed to drop the shield.

And then the speck flickered. The steady, comforting glow blinked.

Shepard shoved off the bottom as hard as she could, letting out a muffled bellow of defiance that raced up next to her, a large, shifting, shimmering ball of air. It encouraged her to claw at her watery prison, coaxing her to expend her every last ounce of strength to follow it to freedom.

Her fingers slammed into something. She looked up, not quite able to believe it was the skiff, but also not willing to look a gift horse in the mouth. Clambering up the side, she used the buoyant material to heave herself the rest of the way into the dry, searing, blessed air. She sucked in a screaming breath and hooked her elbows over the side of the boat. Gasping, sobbing, maniacal laughter tore from her throat as she clung there, too weak to haul herself the rest of the way up.

_Fuck you, Balak. Fuck you._


	37. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They didn't overstate things when they said that Palaven would cook a human in their shorts.

**July 9, 2187 10 hours of daylight remaining**

 

Shepard gasped, allowing the current to haul her downstream a little while she caught her breath. When she’d hallucinated Balak before, it had always just been his voice, never visual. Seeing him outside a dream . . . what did it mean? Was he strengthening? Was she losing ground? When she remembered landing on Alchera, the bastard seemed to lose his hold over her. No way could she let him take it back. Not with all the Scion madness. Sacrificing her family to his lunacy . . .. No, she wouldn’t allow that to happen. She couldn’t allow that to happen.

Finally, a couple of hundred metres down the river, she recouped enough to let go with her good hand and yank loose the ties holding the belly shield in place. She wrestled it over the side, letting out a sigh of relief as the weight lifted. Grunting, she kicked hard, boosting herself high enough to hook both elbows back over the boat. Savouring the way it dug solidly and painfully into her armpits, she kicked for the opposite bank. Behind her, she heard the varren fighting at the water's edge, frustrated that their prey had eluded them. Hopefully their fear of the water overruled their hunger. At least for a little while.

She fought the current for another ten minutes before she managed to kick her way to shore, only her prosthetic leg able to provide any kick. Broken arm clutched against her chest, she crawled on her hand and knees up the rough gravel and broken cement of the bank, dragging the boat behind her. Once her upper body cleared the water, she collapsed, face down, gasping. After a few minutes, the heat on her back forced her into motion, and she crawled the rest of the way to the base of the cliff.

Shoving herself up until her back pressed against the cliff-face, Shepard collapsed and checked her gear. Her bag, water bottles, lighter, and mud remained around her neck, soggy but otherwise intact. The sexy bowl hat had fallen off in the boat--a bit of luck there--but her glasses had set sail for the sea. She’d lost her walking stick, but it wasn’t going to be much use for the next leg of the journey anyway. Looking up, she groaned. “Going to be a minute or two before I can face that climb.”

After wrapping her belly band around her middle, Shepard covered all her exposed skin in a thick layer of mud. She leaned the boat against the cliff to make a small shelter, then curled up, sipping her water and watching the varren on the far shore. Despite struggling not to sleep, to keep her eyes on the varren, she dozed. Dreams of rescue, of being cool and sheltered and safe, wrestled with ones of Balak and varren and endless burning heat.

She woke to the sun blazing down on her face. She winced away from it, then yelped as moving her face cracked the mud and it peeled off, ripping away a couple layers of blistered skin.

“Oh, that was bright, Shepard.” Judging by the boat’s shadow, she’d been asleep at least an hour. She shoved herself upright a couple of centimetres at a time until the skiff shaded her once more. Once out of the sun’s scorching rays, Shepard’s attention snapped to the deep, angry throbbing in her broken arm. When she held it up, her fingertips greeted her with an ugly shade of black-purple. “Damn, I can’t ignore this any longer.”

Glancing outside her shelter, she saw that the varren had moved on to prey that involved less swimming. Might as well take the time to try to save her one real arm.

She unwrapped it, not encouraged by the mess of burns under the material. They really didn’t overstress the whole ‘Palaven will cook humans in their shorts’ angle. She ripped the sleeve of her dress blues to relieve the pressure. A hand’s width above her wrist, one end of her ulna stuck out about a centimetre and a half. No wonder the arm had swollen to twice its usual size and turned such a disturbing shade of violet.

“This is a problem.” She looked around. “How am I going to do this?” She put her leg over arm, grinding her teeth together as the blistered skin under her sleeve peeled back. Gripping her elbow under her knee, she wrapped a cloth strip around her wrist and bit down on it. “This is going to hurt like a bitch.” Shepard pulled back with her head, bracing her leg to provide traction the other direction while she used her fingers to ease the bone back into position. With a slight crunch and a long string of muffled, vulgar curses, it slipped back in place. Gasping, she collapsed against the rock, the arm hugged to her chest. “Where is all the medigel when you need it?” 

When the pain dulled a little, she placed the sleeve of her dress uniform back down and applied her splint over top, securing it with extra strips of material. Once she had it wrapped tight, the pain faded to a tolerable level. She glanced up the wall. 

“I’m going to need to be able to dangle from this thing,” she said, chewing at the inside of her lip. “How am I going to manage that?” She sagged back against the rock. “I guess I hope I only broke the ulna and that it will take my weight.” 

She drank a bottle of water, smeared more mud over her broken, weeping blisters and then turned her attention to the escarpment towering above her. “That’s a good eighty metres there, Speck. There has to be a way up. I know there was a proper path your dad used, but I have no idea where it is.” Sighing, she looked back to the river. “I’m not so sure this was a good plan any more, kid. We could be a long way from where he showed me. I know it wasn’t this close to the city.” 

Shaking her head, she weighed her options. “I would have thought we’d hear them searching by now. I don’t know, maybe we should stay here, but if they don’t find us soon, we’re toast.” After a moment’s indecision, she saw movement in the rubble. The varren. “Guess that’s our answer. If they’re back, it won’t be long before they’re hungry enough to swim.”

Levering herself up, she leaned against the rock, waiting for the world to stop spinning. Bowl plunked back on her head, she started walking down the base, looking for the best slope for climbing. Maybe the universe would take pity on her and let her find Garrus’s path. She chuckled bitterly at that. Not the way her day was running.

A few hundred metres down the river, the smoothly chiselled stone turned to natural cliff. Tussocks of hardy grass and brambles stuck out of the rock, overlaid by long, thick roots. Shepard stood back and raised a hand to shade her eyes. It looked like there were a few shelves of rock wide enough for her to rest on.

“I don’t know, Speck. What do you think?” She grimaced, staring up the height. “Not sure this arm is going to hold up that long.” She sighed and looked down the wall of rock. From there, it seemed to stretch on forever. “Don’t suppose your dad could just show up and save us the effort?” Turning to look at the city, she saw no sign at all of rescue. Surely they were out searching for her? Garrus would tear the planet apart to find them, he just would.

Shepard sighed. “We’ve just got to make it easy for him. Okay, climbing it is.”

She shifted her bag around to hang behind her, tucked up the dragging ends of the robes, and reached up, scrabbling with her fingers until she found good, solid holds. She tested her broken arm, slowly putting more and more weight on it, crying out as the pain ramped up from severe to horrendous to ‘I give up, just let me die’. 

“Come on, Shepard.” She clenched her jaw hard enough to make her teeth ache. “Pain is just an illusion.” Her arm screamed and railed, but held, so she reached up with her other one, and slowly, centimetre by centimetre, gasping wail by gasping wail, she began to climb. Around the ten metre mark, her arm stopped shrieking like a banshee, settling into an ache that throbbed all the way to the center of her chest. She started testing the long roots for strength and looping them around her prosthetic arm just in case she fell.

Her fingernails chipped and broke, peeling back when she lost holds. Slowly the skin on her fingers eroded, and patches of blood stained the rock. She focused on her breathing and each new hold. One hold at a time: fingers, toes, fingers, toes. The sun beat down on her, feeling like a giant, scorching hand pressing her into the cliff. After too few metres of climbing, the heat turned to a sharp sting that spread across her shoulders and down the back of her one leg. As the time dragged, fingerholds and toeholds beginning to slow and becoming harder to grip, that sharp sting turned into a tearing that accompanied every movement, even breathing.

Her stamina and energy disappeared long before she reached the closest of the shelves. Leg trembling, arm shaking, head reeling, she started tying the heavy roots around her torso so that she could lean back against them to rest her arm a little. Her prosthetic arm and leg worked tirelessly, but even the fake skin and fingernails showed the mileage. Her index through ring fingers had worn through to the silicone pads that cushioned her fingertips, and all but the nail on her thumb had broken right off.

“Gotta rest, Speck,” she sighed, despite the constant alarm going off in the back of her head that screamed at her to keep moving. Eight or so hours in the sun had already eclipsed what most people could survive. Implants or no, she remained human, and she felt each second slipping away. “No.” She reached up, digging her fingers into the rough clay. “I’ve got to keep moving. For you.”

She climbed another metre then reached the end of her current safety line. Before she untied the roots looped around her, she took a few sips from her water bottle, noticing the thick, bloody fingerprints that covered it. Just one more thing. Well, at least the varren couldn’t attack her there. If only there was a patch of shade, a square metre protected from the damned sun. 

Each breath became a heave in and a quick sigh out as she set her eyes upward, searching for a higher set of roots. She needed to tie off in case she fell, the possibility of which became more and more likely. Once a new set of roots looped around her, she sipped a little more water. It helped, but the effects of being exposed to the sun for so long began to spiral far beyond what water could overcome.

She leaned forward, her forehead pressed to the back of her good hand, gasping for breath. “I’m so sorry I got us into this, Speck. I never listen.” She closed her eyes, digging her knees into the stone, forcing the roots to take most of her weight. “I never listen.” After a moment’s rest, she started back, clawing at the loose soil, stone and plants to inch her way upward. “I’m not going to make you pay for this, though,” she said, her voice a soft, dry rasp. “I’ll get you out of it. No matter what.”

A half hour later, Shepard finally found a ledge wide and strong enough to crawl up onto. Fingers burned, bruised, and bleeding, nails broken down past the quick, she scrabbled at the dry clay, digging out fingerholds where none existed. Once she hooked her exhausted arms over the edge of the shelf, she pulled up, toes scraping the rock, helping push. She rolled onto the narrow shelf, stretching out with her back pressed to the cliff. Lying there, limbs trembling, lungs gasping in searing breaths of air, heart hammering in her chest, Shepard curled into a ball, tucking her screaming hand in against her chest. She tilted her bowl so that it shaded her face, then closed her eyes, savouring immobility.

She licked her lips and realized that her mouth had dried out again, so she fumbled with the buckles on her bag, trying to undo them. Swollen fingers slick with blood and lymph just slid over the leather, unable to grasp it. Sobbing with frustration, she gave up, unable to do something even that simple. As the air under her bowl helmet heated up, water became less pressing than sleep. She pulled her knees up to her chest to keep herself from rolling off the edge and let herself drift.

“Just a few minutes, Speck,” she whispered. “Just give me a few minutes, and we’ll start climbing again.”

The low drone of a shuttle engine broke through her sleepy haze. She forced her eyes open and smiled. He’d found her. Thank god. She pushed herself up, her helmet falling off her head to hit the rock with a hollow metallic gong. It didn’t matter. Lifting a hand to shade her eyes, she scanned the sky, but didn’t see anything even though the sound grew louder and louder.

“Shepard!”

She grinned and let out a sobbing laugh of pure relief. “I’m here!” Her voice rasped, but made no actual sound. She clawed at the buckles on her bag, finally wrenching them loose with her prosthetic hand and grabbed a water bottle, drinking it down in a few gulps.

“I’m here!” she tried again, this time breaking the background sounds. “Garrus, I’m down here.”

The shuttle noise became a roar and a downdraft of thrusters as it maneuvered over the edge, lowering down until the hatch drew even with her shelf of rock. It opened, and there he was. Garrus stepped over onto the ledge with one foot, wrapping a strong arm around her. When he lifted, James and Herros helped pull the both of them inside.

Then he laid her down on the shuttle floor, her head and shoulders supported in his arms.

“I knew you’d find us,” she whispered, letting her eyes slip closed. “I knew it.”

He held her gently, his mouth close but not touching her. “Of course I did, Shepard. I’ll never let you down, you know that. I’ll always come for you, always be there. I love you.”

Shepard pulled back as Garrus’s soothing flanging tone changed into the rough grind of rock over gravel. She looked up, not into the ice-blue eyes of her mate, but four black ones. Scrambling backwards, Shepard pressed herself into the far corner of the shuttle. “What is this? Balak?”

He pushed himself up into a crouch and eased toward her, an arm outstretched, entreating. “You know that I’m your salvation, Shepard. The turian will give in to his weakness and doubt. He’ll betray you and leave you alone.” A terrible smile parted his lips, showing the teeth within. “I’m never leaving you, Shepard. I’m always as close as your next thought, and I’ll never leave.”

Shepard pushed herself up, ignoring the agony of burns, abrasions and cramping muscles. “You’re delusional. All you’ve done these past months is torture me with nightmares and pain. You’ve nearly killed me more than once by shutting my implants down, sending psychotics to play around inside my brain. You’d call that love? You’re one twisted bastard.” Sticking her chest out, she stepped into him, pushing him back a half step.

“The nightmares and other issues were an unfortunate side effect of trying to contact you.” He held out his hands. “But, as you can see, it’s all sorted and working perfectly. Now I can support you through your trials, as I should.”

Shepard shuddered. “Balak, if you really love me, leave me alone. Let me just fade away and raise my family. I have no interest in being the salvation of anyone, and this baby . . .” She pressed a protective hand over her belly. “. . . I want nothing more for him or her than a happy life. The Reapers are gone. My job is done. Yours is just starting. Your people need to rebuild.”

He sighed, but the fanatic light in his eyes remained bright. “Your turian will betray you.”

Shaking her head, Shepard stepped back. “He won’t. There is no one in the entire galaxy I trust more than Garrus Vakarian.” Sighing, she dropped her shoulders a little. “I’m sorry that recent history took such a toll on your people, but we’re rebuilding everything from scratch. The batarian people have a place in that as partners. You could build something for them rather than obsessing about me.”

He nodded. “Very well. I will step back, for now. But the trials will come, whether I am there or not. When it is darkest, I will come for you.”

“Balak . . ..” Shepard opened her eyes to the blinding heat and sun, both hitting her like a rocket into her shields after the cool, dim shuttle.

“Hallucination, Shepard,” she said, her voice croaking and harsh. “Too much sun. You’ve got to haul your ass up and keep moving. If you start throwing up, you’re dead within hours.” She sat up, settling her helmet back onto her head, angling it to block the sun. At least it was starting to sink toward the horizon. Only another four or five hours until blessed, cool darkness.

Screaming with the pain, then clamping her teeth shut, Shepard forced her fingers straight, then flexed them a few times. “Pain is just an illusion,” she whispered, taking hold of the buckles on her bag with her prosthetic fingers, realizing when she did how much her mental state was slipping. She drank down most of a bottle of water, then looked into the bag. “Four bottles left.” Stowing the rest of that bottle, she rooted through to find the mud, plastering it over the crusty remains on her face and hands. 

Moaning a long litany of truly vulgar curses, she wobbled to her feet, sliding up the wall of rock at her back. She wrapped a long root around herself and risked a look up. The top of the cliff looked closer than the bottom. That had to be good. She took a couple of deep breaths and reached up the stone. “I survived being spaced. I survived the war. I survived the Crucible. I can bloody well survive today. I’ll be damned if I let that bastard kill me.”

It took another hour to reach the top of the escarpment. Rolling up onto the grassland, she breathed a sigh for the faint, but unmistakable relief of having at least a little of the sun blocked by the tall purple grass . She rested a moment and drank the rest of her part bottle of water, but then forced herself up. No longer dangling from the side of a cliff made her vulnerable to attack, and she leaked blood from far too many places to fool herself into believing the predators missed her arrival. She needed shelter, height and the ability to build a fire. No. A fire with so much tall, dry grass and no means of control meant going back down the cliff a lot faster than she came up. 

True to her memory from the holo-room at the turian cultural bureau, a large forest rose out of the grassland a few hundred metres away. Even from that distance, Shepard could see that the tree analogs bore the scars of Reaper fire, but like everywhere, nature rushed ahead with recuperation, beating the sapients to it by leaps and bounds and a thick canopy shaded what remained. It took a bit to get some momentum, and once Shepard got her legs moving, staying upright on them became her sole fixation. She knew if she went down, she’d be a long while getting back up . . . if she did.

Still, she trampled down a wide swath of grass from the edge of the escarpment to the treeline, just in case rescue came along. Couldn’t hurt to leave them a trail of breadcrumbs. “I could really use rescuing right about now,” she called out, her voice just a weak rasp of air.

The dark, cool space under the canopy felt like a million shades of heaven. Shepard leaned back against the velvety bark and just chuckled softly to herself. She’d made it. That victory was worth a few moments of standing still and maybe even drinking a little water before she put her mind to shelter and getting found.

Building a fire that didn’t set the entire grassland ablaze proved to be an issue she didn’t know how to overcome. Oh well, she had time to think about it. A fire wouldn’t be a whole lot of use until it got dark and cooled down a little. For now, she needed to build some sort of shelter high enough to avoid varren or other predators. At least the kind that couldn’t climb. Suddenly, she wished she knew a lot more about Palaven’s wildlife.

Shepard spent the next half hour gathering together long pieces of fallen trees, propping them up against a tree with a lovely wide fork three metres up. Angling one between the ground and the tree trunk, she crawled up, setting her salvaged logs across the fork to make a small platform. She climbed up and pulled off her bag, setting it beside her, feeling like things were looking up for the first time since the shuttle went down.

Leaning down, she carefully pulled up more logs, making a roof over her shelter to block more sun. Once she had some solid shade, she laid down, sipping water and just enjoying the first relief she’d felt in hours. She dozed, but without worrying about it. Once the sun started to set, she’d build some large torches at the edge of the escarpment to signal her location. The wind seemed to blow away from the forest, so hopefully any sparks would burn out before setting anything aflame.

“You’ve done more than enough burning for one day, Shepard,” she sighed. “It’s time to get rescued, fall into a tub of medigel, and forget this day ever happened.” 

A couple of times, she thought she heard thrusters, voices calling, but she stayed up on her platform. They seemed so far away, and she couldn’t trust whether they were real or not. She closed her eyes tight. Surely, it was just another hallucination. Damn Balak. He didn’t think it enough to haunt her dreams, he needed to trap her in the waking world with this Scion lunacy and hallucinations? Damn him, he wasn’t going to steal her chance at a normal life. If the rest of her life was going to consist of hiding from him, she might as well just walk to the edge of the escarpment and throw herself off.

A thought shot through her head, so fast and with such fury that she failed to grasp it. “No,” she said, her voice a soft moan. She knew. She knew for sure that god, or her father, or someone had sent her something infinitely precious, and she’d let it escape. “No, no, please. I wasn’t ready. I missed it. I wasn’t ready.”

“We never are, kitten.”

Shepard sobbed, her face breaking into a smile so wide it made her cry out in agony, but she didn’t care. “Daddy? Was it you? Did you send it? That thought? It was gone so fast.”

“It hasn’t escaped you, Jane. It’s there. You might not hear it or see it, but you feel it, don’t you?”

Shepard searched, digging through the pain and exhaustion, both laughing and sobbing as she found the thought--the gift. “Oh god. Daddy . . . how didn’t I know?”

“You’ve needed to heal, kitten. You’ve both needed to heal, and Garrus is a little behind you, but you’re ready. It’s time to throw away the training wheels. You’re a mother and a wife.” His warm chuckle wrapped her in love and admiration and an awe that struck her to the core, humbling her so profoundly that she felt hollowed out. “You are the most brilliant star in the heavens, kitten. Trite or not, I’m going to say it, outshine them all. Don’t wait another moment.”

Shepard nodded, crying without tears. “I understand, Daddy.” She grabbed hold of the gift he’d sent her. “I understand.”

“I won’t let you choose my life for me, Balak,” she called out, her voice nothing more than a cracked whine of sound, drowned out by the cacophony of rescue, growing closer. “I’m not going to live some small, narrow life hoping to disappear under the radar. I’m going to live as largely and loudly and gloriously as I can. If you want to come at me, come at me, you bastard.”

“Shepard!” 

Garrus?

Balak appeared before her, looking sad. “You’ve passed your trial, Shepard, but I can’t force you to see wisdom, to pay heed. The Ascension is coming. It’s coming, the Reapers were but its heralds, the darkness before the Scion’s dawn. We shall eclipse them with glory.” He reached out, closing his hand around hers. “I cannot force you to see wisdom, but know that the turian will betray you. I cannot change events, I am merely The Prophet, as you are now The Vessel. It is to your Blessed Scion to set the wheels in motion. I’ll do as you ask and leave you until you have need of me again.”

“Hey, Scars, the grass along the edge here is all beat to hell.”

James?

“And we’ve got blood. There’s a trail. Although by the looks of it, either Lola really wanted us to see it, or a herd of cattle climbed over that ridge.”

Shepard chuckled at that, then the thrusters, footsteps, armour rattling, and voices calling back and forth faded into background as she stared her nightmare in the face. “Fuck off. I’m not holding back. Come at me, I’ll be waiting,” she whispered. “Whatever you’ve got, I won’t just survive it, but come out the other side even stronger, even more determined to stuff my life so full that it bursts.”

Shepard pushed herself up and took a deep breath, her entire body screaming with the pain of it. “Garrus! I’m over here!” She heard the sound of his long, loping run and sank back onto her platform, looking toward the horizon where the sun still had an hour or so to burn before slipping into twilight. 

Garrus appeared above the edge of the platform, his face wearing an expression of such exquisite pain and relief that Shepard knew instantly. “It’s real. You found me.” She grinned, laughing softly. “I did it. Bring it on, you bastard. I did it. You’ve got nothing on me.”

“Spirits, Shepard,” Garrus whispered, reaching out to touch her, but stopping short. “You’ve had me worried sick.” He let out a half-sigh, half-sob, his mandibles flicking hard.

A sleepy smile curved her lips a little. “Hasn’t been a gold star day for me either, big guy.”

“You okay there for a few minutes?” When she nodded, he reached up to his comm. “ _Normandy_ , we’ve found her. Dr. Chakwas needs to meet us in the shuttle bay. We’re at least fifteen minutes out. I’ll call when we get her on the shuttle.”

Shepard reached out with her prosthetic arm, running her fingers over the arm resting on the edge of her shelter. He shifted, lacing his fingers with hers, and she smiled, letting her eyes close. 

“We made it, Speck. I told you that your dad wouldn’t let us down.” She grinned, her lips cracking as Garrus squeezed her fingers. “We made it.”

“Cortez, bring the shuttle down on James’s signal. We’re going to need the stretcher.” 

Shepard let herself drift, the noise of the shuttle coming in, bodies moving, voices calling out all overlapping and moving past like smoke on the wind. Her two contacts of reality for those moments were Garrus’s hand holding hers and the tiny light shining within her. They were all she needed. The rest would sort itself.

“Okay, Shepard,” Garrus said, his voice close and soft, his sub-vocals rumbling in full comfort mode. “We’ve got to move you to the stretcher.”

She opened her eyes and nodded. “Don’t worry, it’ll just be a few moments of hell. Been there a lot today.” She clenched her teeth and pushed herself up a little, reaching out to put her good arm around his neck. “Just watch the . . . everything.” She chuckled and then let out a thin shrill of pain, agony rattling between her clenched teeth in choking gasps as Garrus slid his arms under her.

“I’m sorry, Shepard. I’m so sorry,” he whispered over and over. He pressed his face close to her ear but was careful not to touch her. 

Several pairs of hands reached up to steady both of them as he backed down. 

“It’ll be over in just a second,” he said, the soothing rumble louder than his words.

“It’s . . . it’s . . . okay,” she said between sobbing gasps. “You’re . . . here.” An exhausted smile whispered across her lips. Her eyes rolled back, another shrill cry of agony tearing from her as he stepped down onto the ground, that small lurch and accompanying tightening of the supportive hands a new brand of hell. They laid her down on the stretcher, and she flopped over on her good arm, keeping the broken one clutched tight against her chest.

“Keep it slow, people,” Garrus said. “Try not to jostle her.”

“Nice environment suit there, Shepard,” Tali said, lightly gripping the admiral’s prosthetic fingers. “We’ll have to hire you as our fashion director on Rannoch.”

Shepard smiled and squeezed her friend’s hand. “You know me, always striving to be the height of fashion.” She gasped for a few seconds, afraid to take too deep a breath. “You should have seen it with the giant bowl hat.” Catching her breath again. “Now, that was sexy.”

They set the stretcher down on the floor, the hard surface oddly comforting once the scorched nerve endings settled. Everything felt so gloriously cool and dark. Her eyes drifted shut, not sleeping, just savouring the lack of harsh, bright daggers digging through her eyes into her brain. She felt Garrus lower himself to the floor next to her, his fingers taking hers. She gave them a weak squeeze.

“I’ll be okay, big guy. I’m tougher than a little sunburn. Way tougher than a little sunburn.”


	38. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes ouch just doesn't cut it.

**July 9, 2187**

Shepard could not recall appreciating a short shuttle ride as much as she did that particular one, both for it being a ride in the shuttle rather than being hauled overland, and for its brevity. The deck plating vibrated far more than she remembered, making every nerve ending in her body scream at once.

Garrus bent over Shepard, his mouth just touching the top of her head. “How’s the speck?”

“Might just be wishful thinking on my part, but she seems fine. I made her the best shield I could. It almost drowned me, but hopefully it kept her safe from the worst of it.”

“She?” Garrus asked and chuckled. “You have some sort of inside connection that I don’t know about?”

Shepard shook her head a little. “No inside information, just a feeling. How’s Lenka?”

He nodded. “She’s fine. She got pretty upset earlier, so Dad headed back to take care of her. He’s been calling, letting her talk to me. She’s okay, Shepard, don’t worry.” He sat up, his hand hovering over hers. 

Shepard squeezed his hand, stroking his thumb with hers. Glancing over at James, she gave the Marine a wink. “How are you doing over there, action man? You okay?”

He grinned and shrugged. “You know me, Lola. All about the dramatic rescues. Wouldn’t mind if you stopped needing them for a while though. I could use a good long nap.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Her lips thinned in a tiny smile as she let her eyes close. “I could use a bit of a nap myself.”

The shuttle settled to the deck in the _Normandy_ and someone popped the hatch. She smelled the clean, feminine scent of Dr. Chakwas and opened her eyes. “Hey, Doc.”

The doctor smiled. “How are you feeling?”

“Slow roasted, sick, and my arm hurts, but overall, can’t complain.” Shepard chuckled, then mewled softly with pain. “Until I laugh.”

“Well, let’s get you up to my lab.” She activated her omni-tool. “I’ll give you something to help dull the pain, but I’m afraid you’re in for a pretty rough few hours.” She pressed a syringe to Shepard’s neck. 

After a few seconds, the throbbing in her arm and the constant, furious chatter of thousands of scorched nerve endings began to ease. Shepard let out a long sigh. “Thanks, that helps.”

Garrus held her hand the entire time, stroking her wrist, letting her crush his fingers as every bump of the stretcher ripped through her like a bolt of lightning. He kept up a steady rumble through his sub-vocals, but she couldn’t be sure whether he intended to soothe her or himself. She hadn’t seen him so close to the edge in a very long time--since Sidonis.

Once Shepard lay on the bed in the new lab, Dr. Chakwas hooked her up to an IV, opening it up to help replace the fluids she’d lost over the course of the day. After another dose of painkillers, the doctor cut the headband holding the reflective blankets and robe over Shepard’s head in place, soaking the headband in a cooling wash before removing it. Shepard judged by Garrus’s reaction how much skin came away with it. It didn’t hurt as much as she expected. It had probably torn loose at some point during the day. The doctor slowly rinsed the layers of caked mud off Shepard’s face, drenching her headdress in the process. 

“This wash has an anesthetic in it and will help loosen up the lymph and skin that is bonded to the material. It’s still going to hurt like hell though, Shepard. Sorry about that.” Dr. Chakwas clenched her jaw as she used tweezers to start loosening the material from the edges.

Shepard nodded and clenched her teeth, but still screams tore from her lips, jagged shards of agony like smashed glass. They paused several times when Shepard started to choke, her throat raw, dry and cracked; her body so dehydrated her tears came out oily and burned her eyes. After she drank a bit, she gave Karin a nod and shifted her grip on Garrus’s hand. 

“Is there some reason, Shepard can’t sleep through this?” Garrus asked, his voice so stressed that Shepard caressed the back of his hand with her thumb.

“Severe burns are tricky, Garrus. We’ll do what we can to control the pain.”

Shepard met and held his gaze. “It’s okay. You know me, born drama queen. It’ll be over soon.”

When the material finally lifted away, it took almost all of the admiral’s hair and scalp with it. 

Seeing her hair stuck to the inside of the material brought new and different tears to Shepard’s eyes. “Never been all that vain,” she gasped, “but damn.”

“Don’t worry,” the doctor said, her eyes glassy, “it’ll grow back.”

Shepard nodded and pressed her lips together. “Yeah, caps are all the rage anyway, right?” She looked up at Garrus, suddenly terrified that her appearance would scare their current child. “Lenka? Have you talked to her? Where is she?” 

“Remember I told you in the shuttle? She’s with Dad. She knows you’re okay. As soon as we get you settled, I’ll bring her in.” 

Shepard didn’t miss the glance that passed between the doctor and her mate at her lapse in memory. “Right. She’s with Dad.”

“Nicely done with the shield, Admiral,” Dr. Chakwas chuckled, applying medigel to Shepard’s face and scalp. “Actually paid attention to Instr. Perrin’s class?”

Shepard shook her head. “Not really, but remembered a couple of things. Thank goodness he covered how to get clean water before I fell asleep.” She clenched her teeth and nodded to Garrus to help her sit up so that they could unwrap the belly band and cut away the layers of robes down to her dress uniform. The uniform, the doctor cut up the sides but left in place. 

More of the cool, anesthetic wash poured over her. Every centimetre of her body that wasn’t prosthetic or hadn’t been covered by the belly band felt as though a million knives stabbed into her, but the wash helped a little. At least until Dr. Chakwas started peeling the uniform away. Massive blisters had formed, broken, and wept into the material, gluing it to her with the strength of industrial epoxy.

Garrus held her hand through it all despite wincing like he’d been kicked by a mule every single time she screamed. She tried not to. She tried to spare him that much, but her resolve lasted only until the next strip of uniform. Before they even had her legs uncovered, she began trembling so hard that the table rattled.

“Okay,” Karin said, her voice soft and soothing. “Let’s take a break.” She covered Shepard in more wash then draped a cooling blanket over her and administered another dose of painkillers through her IV. “If you can, go to sleep. You need to rest.”

“Yeah, thanks, Doc.” Shepard let her eyes close, pulling her prosthetic arm in when Garrus let it go. “A rest would be a very good thing right now.” She heard a chair roll up next to her, and gentle talons wrapped around her hand again. Turning her head ever so slightly, Shepard opened her eyes to look into Garrus’s. “You’ve got to be exhausted.” She stroked his hand with her thumb.

Shaking his head, he lifted her hand to his mouth. “I’m fine.” He nuzzled her hand. “Didn’t think I’d be so grateful for this arm. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to touch you.”

Her eyes drifted closed again as the painkillers began to work. “Yeah, sort of nice to have two parts that don’t hurt.” She dozed, images of Lenka, Balak, her entire ordeal tangling into a mess that didn’t allow for much actual rest. Then Garrus stroked her arm, the pads of his talons brushing up her forearm and back down, the rhythm slow and soothing. He talked about Adrien, Solana, Ravenor Barl, Gira and her tryllic, his harmonics low and soothing, his voice and gentle touch easing her into a restful sleep at last.

Shepard woke when Karin returned to continue peeling away her uniform. Taking one look at the doctor’s face, she gave her a weary smile. “Isn’t this when we all take a good, long belt of whiskey straight out of the bottle?”

“We could all use it, that’s for sure.” She applied more medigel to Shepard’s exposed skin. “Your face is looking better already. Do you want me to drape something over your scalp so that Lenka can come in? She’s pretty worried.”

Shepard looked to Garrus, who nodded. 

“Okay, let’s do that. I don’t want to put her under any more stress than she’s already been through. As long as you don’t think I look bad enough to frighten her.” 

“The medigel is hiding the worst of it,” Karin confirmed. 

A few moments after Garrus called for his father to bring Lenka down, the door opened and the child burst through. Garrus grabbed her in his arms before she could touch Shepard.

“Mommy!” Tears streamed down her face.

“Hey baby.” Shepard smiled and reached out to caress Lenka’s cheek. “Your dad says you’ve been worried.”

All four beautiful, black eyes gleamed with such pain that Shepard’s heart felt each tear like a knife to the heart. The child hiccoughed sobs and nodded. “I didn’t know where you were. I was so scared. But Papa came and said Daddy would get you back.”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah, and he did. I’m fine, baby. Just a little tired and sunburned. Dr. Chakwas will get me all fixed up before you know it. Can you give me a kiss on the cheek?”

Garrus let her go. “Be careful not to touch, though, pretty eyes.”

Lenka nodded, looking very solemn and leaned over to give Shepard a tiny peck on the cheek. 

“Mm. Now, I feel so much better. I love yah.” Shepard looked up at Herros. “Hey, Dad. Thanks for looking after Lenka.”

He walked over and took her good hand between both of his. “Of course. Don’t worry about anything, just rest.” 

She nodded and closed her eyes. “Yeah, resting sounds really good.”

“Come on, kiddo,” Herros said. “Let’s go get some dinner, and let your mom rest.”

“Take dinner up to the cabin, Dad,” Garrus said. “It’s a little noisy down here.”

Shepard sighed. “That it is.” She brushed Lenka’s cheek with her fingers. “I’ll see you later, sweetie.”

Lenka climbed down from Garrus’s lap, kissed Shepard’s cheek again and then left reluctantly, dragging a little behind her Papa, not willing to take her eyes off Shepard until they passed out of the lab and into med bay.

Shepard sighed. “We’re going to have two of those soon.”

Garrus took her hand. “Which will mean no more crazy stunts.” He nuzzled the palm.

She chuckled. “Crazy stunts? All I tried to do was go out to dinner with my husband and father-in-law like a normal person.”

“Well, that is pretty crazy.” He clutched her hand to his face and closed his eyes, his entire body trembling. “If I’d lost you . . ..”

Shepard stroked his cheek with her thumb. “Hey, I’m okay. A couple of days, I’ll be one hundred percent.”

“How are we going to live here without me worrying about . . . this happening?” He met her stare, and for a moment, she thought he was going to bolt. 

She squeezed his hand tighter. “Garrus. Stop. I’m okay.”

Three hours later, Shepard lay naked and shaking under a thick layer of medigel and a cooling sheet, drugged to the eyeballs. She looked into Garrus’s eyes, seeing the strain of the past day, the toll the hours and pain had taken on him. “Go get something to eat and sleep for a bit, love,” she whispered. “I’m just going to get some sleep anyway.”

He shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Shepard looked to Karin. “Can you get someone to bring this amazing, stubborn man some food, please?”

The doctor smiled. “I can even arrange for a cot. Then maybe you’ll both get some sleep?” She dimmed the lab lights as she headed out.

“Good.” Shepard nodded to Garrus. “Come and give me a kiss.”

He frowned, his mandibles dropping. “It’ll hurt.”

“Some things are worth it.” When he touched his mouth to hers, she kissed him softly. “Mm, definitely worth it.” She smiled and drifted off.

She woke a few hours later when Karin came in to check on her and give her some more meds. Garrus had finally succumbed to his exhaustion and lay on his side on a cot next to her, Lenka curled in against him. Shepard smiled and shook her head. “My family,” she whispered. She laid her hand over her stomach. “That means you too, Speck. We made a good team today.” Closing her eyes, she let the meds take her away once more.

 

**July 10, 2187**

The next time Shepard woke, the cot beside her sat empty. She yawned and grumbled as the movement set her entire body complaining. She chuckled, then groaned. “You’re quite the piece of work, Shepard.”

Movement near the door into the front room caught her attention. “Anyone there? I’d get up, but . . ..”

Soft footsteps approached. “It’s just me, Shepard.”

She smiled. “Hey, Terion. How are you doing? All healed up?”

“I’m fine,” he confirmed, still from outside her vision.

“Come where I can see you.” She chuckled. When he walked up to the end of her bed, she smiled. “There you are. Wow, look at you”. 

He held his two original arms out, showing off the suit Garrus or Herros must have loaned him. “I’m back to me again.”

“You were always you.” She held her hand out, reaching across for his. When he took it, she sighed and her eyes drifted closed. “So, you just lurking? You’re home, you should be out being young, wild, and on shore leave.”

He chuckled. “I don’t think I was ever young and wild. My idea of a good way to spend shore leave was studying specs or doing non-routine maintenance on the weapons.”

Grinning, Shepard lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Don’t tell anyone, because I like my bad girl reputation, but yeah, that was me too. At least before I went into the N program. But, spending your time down here in the hole with scary skinless lady is a little crazy.”

He stepped up beside the bed, his eyes glassy, and squeezed her hand. “I have an appointment with the residential rebuilding committee from one of the districts to see about getting a school built. Turned out that Dad thought being a teacher would be a good career for a Primarch’s son. Any idea how he came to that conclusion?”

Shepard gave him her best clueless stare. “Not a one.” After a breath, she nodded, tugging on his hand a little. “I’m really glad for you.”

“He loves you, you know?”

The words dropped like cement on the floor, bouncing a little between them before settling.

Shepard nodded. “I know, and I love him in my way. Adrien is a good friend.” She frowned. “Did he tell you to come down here and report back?” The way Terion’s mandibles fluttered told her everything she needed to know. “Yeah. He’s impossible. No sense of boundaries.” She sighed as her eyes drifted closed. “But I missed him, impossible or not.”

Terion’s brow touched hers, just a feather brush, and he set her hand down beside her. “You need to rest. I’ll come back later.”

Her lips twitched in a smile even though her eyes didn’t open. “Good. Now go be young and a little bit crazy.”

Shepard dozed, wandering through dreams laced with conversations from outside med bay. James followed her through her ordeal, telling her stories about raiding Apostle sanctuaries and the puta who kept ‘getting all up in Garrus’s business’. She woke feeling more tired than before she fell asleep.

Karin came and went, applying medigel and filling Shepard with drugs that sent her back into hazy slumber. The only time she regained any sort of sense was when Garrus came in to help her eat, bringing Lenka, who chattered away about her day. They kissed her carefully and left her to sleep, promising to be back to spend the night. Shepard kissed them both and drifted back into a remarkably empty liminal space.

“Hey, Shepard?”

Shepard opened her eyes and blinked a few times, the world silent, cool and very dark. Fairly sure that she’d heard the _Normandy_ ’s pilot, she looked over at the door. “Hey, Joker. Come on in. I’m a little scary looking, but I don’t bite, much.”

The pilot limped down the length of the lab, his leg braces making a slight mechanical whine with each step. He stopped next to her bed and looked down, the expression on his face sadder than she could ever remember seeing it. 

She reached up and laid her hand on his elbow. “You okay there, fly boy?”

He nodded and looked down at her hand. “Yeah.” He just stared, so she left him be to say what he needed to say in his own time. “So, we almost lost you again.” He sighed. “I should be pissed at you. I feel like I need to be pissed at you. You ruined a perfectly good career of being a sarcastic ass.”

Shepard’s brow furrowed a little. “I’m . . . sorry?”

“It was supposed to be this easy coffee and cake run. Swing over to Eden Prime, test out the new ship, head home. Then you walked onboard and everything went straight to hell.”

The furrows in Shepard’s brow deepened enough to really hurt. Somehow, if she’d never boarded the _Normandy_ , Nihlus wouldn’t have died, Saren would have . . . what? Just gone home, and Sovereign would have been a geth dreadnaught?

“It turned into chasing rogue Spectres and monster death robots of doom. Then the monster death robot died, and you died. That should have ended it, right? If you were the cause of all the shit? But no, it just got worse. You died to save me, and my life went to complete shit.” Joker took her hand in his, the gesture startling her enough that she jumped. He didn’t seem to notice, just holding her hand like he intended to arm wrestle her.

“Joker?”

He shook his head. “Then you came back and there was the Illusive Man and Collectors and every human going to be turned into grey paste to make this big ugly ass death robot of doom that looked like some old cheesey action movie shit. And you saved everybody. Suicide mission--we were all supposed to die, and then we all came back. You couldn’t be content with that, you had to save everyone some more and blew up a planet and went to jail. And everything went to shit again.”

He released her hand and walked away a few feet. “What the shit? How can things get worse when we’re not on suicide missions? But they do. And then the giant death robot’s cousins and college roommates show up, and you kick their asses. What the shit? Who does that? And in the process, you killed my girlfriend, and I really loved her, Shepard.” 

Turning to face her, he stared into her eyes with an expression of such complete sorrow that she held her hand out to him. “I really loved her.” He took her hand again.

Shepard nodded, her breath hitching in her throat behind a lump of unshed tears.

“You brought all this crazy shit with you that day, and I want to be pissed off at you, because things were working pretty well up until then. I want to be pissed at you, because I still miss her, but if you hadn’t come along, I never would have known her at all.”

Shepard’s lips cracked as she pressed them in a thin smile.

“And what if you’d died out there yesterday, and I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell you?” He grumbled. “These months have been hell, you know? Being pissed off at you. You’re my best friend, and I owe you everything.”

Her smile widened as she nodded. “I’ve missed you too.”

“So, we’re okay.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Sure, if you’ll do something for me.” Shepard grinned when he looked at her like she was pushing her luck.

“Oh?” He nodded toward her head. “You want a cap to cover that baby’s ass up there, don’t you?”

Waggling her head a little, Shepard chuckled. “Yeah, but that’s not all. I have a sort of huge favour to ask.”

“You’re really pushing it here, Admiral.” His expression screamed sarcastic bastard about to unleash his powers, but his eyes gave him away. They remained soft and sad.

“When we get our asses back to Earth, Solana has put together what I’m certain will be the wedding from tulle and floral hell.”

Joker perked up, practically cackling. “You need someone to help burn the place to the ground the night before?”

“Damn, why didn’t I think of that?” She squeezed his hand. “No, what I need is someone to give me away. I’ve been sorta hoping you’d take the job of walking off that plank with me.” 

“Jesus, Shepard.” He appeared to hover on the edge of presenting her with a list of people better suited to the job than him, but then just nodded. “Sure, what the hell, we can liven it up a little. Maybe a few flashbang grenades behind the orchestra, a couple of vorcha ballerinas to throw rachni workers into the crowd.” His eyes narrowed. “Think we could find any thorian creepers somewhere? Nothing crazies up a wedding like toxic, green projectile vomit.” 

“Toss a krogan charge in there somewhere, and it’ll be a hell of a party.” She met and held his gaze for a second. “Thanks, Joker. It means a lot.”

“Sure. Now you just have to grow your hair back for the big day.” He pulled back.

“I don’t know, bald might work for me. What do you think?”

His face scrunched. “Not a chance in hell, Shepard. You have a weird-shaped head.” He grinned and headed for the door. “It looks sort of like a krogan’s ass.”

“Wait? What? How do you know what a krogan’s ass looks like?” she called after him. “Is there something I don’t know about you and Wrex?”

He just kept walking. “Didn’t the Navy used to have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy? I’m invoking it.”

Shepard grinned and let out a long, happy sigh, relaxing into the bed. “Chicken.”


	39. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your turian will betray you ... or will he?

**July 11, 2187**

Shepard awoke from a strange dream of a ballroom filled with couples dressed in white suits, and gowns with massive tulle skirts. She pushed through them, searching, but not sure what for. Then she spotted him, dressed in black amidst the sea of white, dancing with a turian. She walked over to them, opening her mouth to speak, to ask what was going on. Before she could, Garrus turned to face her and shook his head.

“I can’t worry about you for the rest of our lives.”

The female turned to look at her then. “You don’t belong here, human.”

Shepard jerked awake, her entire body letting out a yell at the sudden movement. She stifled an actual yell between grinding teeth.

“Get out.”

Shepard scowled as Herros’s voice dragged her out of her inventory of current pain.

“I’m going in to see my mate.” Garrus didn’t sound at all well or sober.

“Not like that you aren’t. Go wash the stink of _peutri-eshi_ . . .” Shepard’s translator failed her on the last word. “. . . off you, and then come back.”

“No, I’m . . ..”

The sound of a slap so hard that it echoed through med lab like a gunshot was followed by the muffled thud-thud of a body hitting the ground.

“Garrus? Dad?” Shepard struggled to sit up, moaning and sinking back into the bed as she met with critical mission failure.

“It’s okay, Jane,” Herros called back. “Garrus has had way too much to drink. Sending him up for a shower.”

“Okay . . ..” She closed her eyes. Feeling how precarious Garrus’s hold on his fear had become, she should have known that he’d do something like that. Not since he let Sidonis walk away had she witnessed him so close to losing himself to his self-destructive side. Damn it.

Scuffling. “If you go near your family reeking of that _peutri,_ I’ll beat you until you can’t stand,” Herros said, his voice a barely audible growl of sound. “Go, get cleaned up, find a small part of you that still possesses a shred of honour, and then come back down here and be with your wife and children.” His voice dropped even lower. “I swear on my last breath, Garrus, I will end you before I let you do to your family what I did to you, Sol, and your mother.”

“Dad, I . . ..”

“We’ll be back in a moment, Jane,” Herros called, and Shepard heard the med bay door close.

Shepard lifted her arm and, gritting her teeth, activated her omni-tool. She tapped in a search with one battered fingertip, guessing at the word’s spelling and origins. It took several minutes and searches, but then a meaning appeared in the closed turian dialect. She stared at it, her mind crying out with denial, but the grotesque words just stared right back, refusing to change into something less hateful, less insane. Surely, it was wrong. It had to be wrong. Garrus just wouldn’t.

_“Your turian will betray you.”_

Shepard closed her omni-tool, a slow-burning spark kindling to life in her gut. She hadn’t felt like she deserved a whole lot in the past year, but damn it. Of all the things in her screwed-up, upside-down world she should be able to rely on, Garrus’s promise should be that one, rock-solid thing.

A few moments later, Herros strode in, trying to look casual and relaxed but failing miserably. He gave her a faint smile and sat next to her. “I got him into the shower. He’ll be down in a few minutes. Been awake long?”

“Did you at least let him get out of his clothes before you threw him in?” Shepard almost laughed. Almost. She bit it back behind her teeth and swallowed it before it vomited a string of something ugly behind it. “As for when I woke up . . . about the same time you started growling at your son for getting drunk and smelling like . . .” She held up her arm and opened her omni-tool. “. . . whore juices? Please tell me that’s a botched entry in the linguistic database?”

Herros sighed and reached over, closing her omni-tool and taking her hand. “My son . . ..”

“Freaked out because he thought I was going to die on him for a third time.” She nodded. “Yeah, I picked that up.” _And instead of sucking it up and telling that damned voice in his head to shut up, he gave in to it._

“Nothing happened, Jane.” He squeezed her hand.

“Yeah, but I assume that’s because you waded in and kicked some _peutri_ ass before it could.” She sighed and shook her head ever so slightly, pressing her eyes closed against the images that forced their way into her mind of the hands and the body she adored touching someone else. How could he? What if Herros hadn’t followed him? The face of the turian female in her dream stared into her, ice-cold eyes filled with disdain.

"He pushed her away, Jane." Herros leaned in. "I truly don't believe he would have cheated on you even if I hadn't been there."

_“You don’t belong here, human.”_

Shepard shoved the elegant, hateful face out of her mind as it looked to her husband, staring up with an adoration that promised him everything his pathetic, human mate could never offer. The spark in her gut grew into a tiny flame.

She looked into Herros’s eyes. "We're going to lose one another, because we're so damned _afraid_ to lose one another, Dad. It's insane, but there it is. I don't know what to do to stop it. Do you? Garrus sure as hell doesn't if his idea of dealing with it is drowning himself in alcohol and screwing around." Her laugh escaped as a bitter convulsion that dragged an equally bitter moan of pain along behind it.

“During the war, we stayed locked on one another like missiles. I needed him so hard. He was my air, my blood, my strength.” She closed her eyes. “We talked like I got tired around Thessia, but the Illusive Man brought me back from the dead exhausted. Until I found Garrus on Omega, I was completely convinced that it was all just some surreal dream, my brain spurting a last few, dying chemicals through my neurons.”

Shepard stopped and shook her head, a derisive snort cutting the air between them. She turned to look into Herros’s eyes again, not sure what looked back at her . . . understanding, empathy, pity? It didn’t matter, whatever it was, it deserved truth. She deserved truth. Garrus, the beautiful soul who’d held her together while she lied, deserved truth. “No, that’s bullshit. I never stopped thinking that, I was just so damned glad to have him there in my madness. I was so grateful for those moments of beauty before the lights went out.”

Herros released her long enough to remove his gloves, then took her hand again, his other resting feather-light on her brow. The heat from his hand felt like a brand, but she welcomed it. Maybe at last, something would burn through all the crazy and find something real.

The light of that slow, angry fire in her gut illuminated the puppet show, making all the lies she’d told herself dance in shadow forms along a pure white wall. “I talked and dreamed about the life we’d have afterward, but I thought . . . no, I knew that I wasn’t coming out.”

The reality of that hit home for the first time like a javelin through the chest. She’d said goodbye to everyone, even Garrus. She’d set her path before her: destroy the Reapers, join them in oblivion. As much as she loved Garrus, as much as she wished for more, she’d been done, taken as much as she could bear. Her purpose achieved, she’d been glad for the journey to come to an end at last.

The javelin twisted and sank deeper, cutting through the core of her. She’d known that Garrus couldn’t endure her loss another time. She’d gone so far as to make joint burial arrangements. She’d left him to face death alone. Again.

“How could I have been so selfish?” She didn’t expect or get an answer, but she needed to say it out loud, to hear it. “He was the only person in the universe that I believed meant more to me than myself, and I was prepared to sacrifice him so that I could be done.” Her words began clawing their way out through a constricting throat and a head filling with phlegm and bitter saliva, but the ugliness of that truth didn’t allow for indecent, decadent tears. A freezing cold, razor-sharp pain sliced into her heart. “He fought through so much to be there for me, and I couldn’t even fight to stay alive for him.”

Herros squeezed her hand and bent to touch his brow to her temple. “But you did fight to stay alive for him. How else are you here, Jane? I’ve seen the barely breathing corpse they dragged out of the rubble two weeks after the Crucible fired.”

“Cerberus . . ..”

“Bullshit.”

She looked over at him, stunned out of her self-pity.

_“Love if you endure. Life if you endure.”_

“You want to feel sorry for yourself and blame yourself for the crap that Garrus is going through, fine, but call it what it is. You were in a coma for four months, and his presence brought you back within a few hours. Why?” The plates above his eyes peaked, his eyes staring into hers with predatory intensity as he waited. “He’s told me about how he found you. Why did you endure that for as long as you did? Why would you have endured it for as long as you had to?”

"I don't remember anything about when I was in the coma." She sighed, but then a tiny smile quirked at the corner of Shepard's mouth.

_“Love if you endure. Life if you endure.”_

They loved one another. That remained truth. She felt the javelin loosen, the fire spreading into the void it left. They loved one another with an undeniable ferocity and beauty despite everything.

She swallowed the bitterness of her self-pity. It served nothing. Her tiny smile grew a fraction as her father’s voice rang through her head in its clear, sunday trumpet tones. _“Despair and self-pity are the only sins we need fear,”_ he called out, _“for they block God’s infinite light, hiding us from the truth that all may be set right through faith, loyalty, and love--always through deep and abiding love.”_ Her heart swelled, feeling the adoration of that girl sitting on that hard, wooden seat, watching the center of her universe speak to everyone, but feeling the words as if he meant them just for her. She let out a small, happy sob as the light of his words spilled into her. So many years had passed since she last felt that joy and promise.

_Thank you, Daddy._

Taking a deep breath, she centered herself. She was alive. All her mistakes, however many she’d made and whatever their consequences, lay behind her. What mattered now was _now_. She loved her husband beyond all reason, and she wouldn’t give up on him or their future. She owed him, her children, and herself so much better than that. Sucking in another deep breath, she nodded. They’d find their way through it. They always did.

She focused on Herros’s face--her other father, her very present light and anchor. “Yeah, thanks for that, Dad. I needed a slap upside the head. Thanks for making mine verbal, though.” She chuckled when he did. “But the end result still leaves Garrus afraid that I’ll give up and leave him again. How am I supposed to blame him for that? How can I convince him that the voice in his head is wrong?”

Shepard pulled her hand out of his and punched him in the arm, mewling softly with pain as her body jolted at the contact. “I don’t hold you blameless in this either. You put that goddamned voice in his head that constantly screams at him that he’s not good enough, never good enough. You’re not entirely to blame, but damn it, you own some of this shit.”

Inside, the javelin withdrew, making room for the tiny flame to grow, revealing itself for what it was. Not anger at all, but the understanding her father had passed on. Their family needed them to do better, to be better, stronger, more joyful. Their family needed them to live the wisdom etched into the ring Garrus wore around his neck, as her family had for the generations before her.

_Love, loyalty, selflessness._

Tears flooded her eyes, blurring her vision, and she turned her head a little so that they ran over her face. “I can’t give up anymore, Dad. I have two precious gifts who need me to be whole and full of joy and passion and courage so that I don’t raise them to be afraid. What happens if he can’t believe that?. What if he can’t make this journey with me?” She pressed her lips into a thin, slick line and sniffed back the pressure that built behind her eyes and nose.

The life she hoped for them didn’t manifest in brilliant pictures of children playing or parties from a photo album. Instead, it appeared as a feeling of warmth, safety, and the love she felt when she lay wrapped in Garrus’s arms. Without Garrus, what was it but a vast, airless void without a foundation or direction? Who was she without him? And why the hell had he waited to freak out and start fucking up until she had no choice but to keep going without him?

“What if he can’t pull himself out of this fear?” She let out a choked sob and then Herros’s brow pressed gently against her temple. “I don’t know how to breathe without him.”

Her entire body trembled like dead leaves in the February wind. It whistled and screamed through the endless twilight that awaited her without the other half of her soul. “Please tell me I’m not going to have to learn how to breathe without him,” she said, her words barely more than a sigh.

“You’re not,” an equally soft voice replied from the door. Garrus stared into her eyes for a moment, then looked over at Herros. “Mind if I take that chair, Dad?”

Herros nuzzled Shepard’s temple. “I love you, daughter,” he whispered in her ear before straightening.

He walked up to Garrus and took his son by the shoulders. “And I love you, Garrus.” Reaching up, he laid a hand on the top of his son’s head and leaned in until their brows touched. “I wish I knew how to undo the things I’ve done. I wish I could change my voice inside your head to one of love and unconditional support. I’m so very sorry.” After another moment, he released his son and walked out.

Shepard watched Herros until he disappeared from her eyeline, then stared at the ceiling without seeing it.

She felt Garrus kneel next to her bed instead of sitting in the chair. He pressed his brow to her elbow, making no other attempt to touch her. Silence stretched between them, deep and dense, coalescing into something that seemed remarkably incombustible. It tasted like bile and smelled of the cliff face baking under the sun. It grew for so long that Shepard started to feel as though three people occupied the room. She wondered what their guest’s name was, but then Garrus sighed, and she knew the answer.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

_Regret._

She waited until she’d felt ten breaths on her arm before she spoke. “How long were you standing there?”

“From about where Dad called you on your bullshit.” The tips of his talons clasped her wrist gently.

“Lead me down the path from ‘I’m not going to leave your side to get food’ to your being wasted in a bar with some female grinding your plates?” The words came out stiletto sharp, puncturing the air even though she kept her voice low. He flinched, then softened, his entire posture and energy relaxing down into their points of contact. His brow felt heavy, his breathing muffled by the mattress.

“Lenka woke up, screaming. She dreamed about searching for you without being able to find you. I couldn’t get her to stop crying and shrieking. All she wanted was to hug you, but I couldn’t let her. I ended up carrying her out so that she wouldn’t wake you. I took her to Dad, and we finally got her to sleep in his room. I don’t know what happened, Shepard. One moment, I was rocking her, the next I was in some underground bar.”

“With the female who was hitting on you during my rescue?” She left the edge off that time. He looked up, his head cocked. She sighed and looked over at him, meeting the combination of questioning and shame in his expression with stoicism. “It’s a small ship with poorly soundproofed walls, Garrus, and she was obvious enough for people to pick up on it.”

He shook his head once before returning his brow to rest on her elbow. “Yes, it was her.”

Shepard sighed. “Easy, right? No emotional crap to deal with. Just the heroic husband and the sycophantic, young endorphin rush. No need to worry about anything other than selfish hedonism.” She sighed and shook her head. “Why? Have you been with anyone else, Garrus?”

His fingers slipped under hers. “It wasn't like that, Shepard.  I didn't go there to be with her.  I don't want her.  I don’t want anyone but you, Shepard.” He pressed his mouth to the back of her hand.

“So she just slipped?” She sighed at the alcohol seeping from his pores despite his father having tried to counteract the worst of it.

His sub-vocals rumbled, and he shook his head. “I wasn't there with her.  I was just . . . I just needed to . . . Sitting in that bar, all I saw was you lying here like you’d been skinned alive, all I heard was Lenka crying for you, and all I felt was completely helpless. I flashed to standing next to your grave, our children clinging to me, all screaming for their mother, and not being able to do anything but die inside.”

Shepard took a shaky breath in, her right eye stinging sharp, needle-like, as salty tears slicked her lashes. The cries of her children tore shrill and broken into her ears, her husband standing tall and shattered by her side as he tried to hold them together.

His rumble rolled into a growl. “Then Tella started touching me, and I pushed her away.” His brow plates dropped, she could feel them move against her skin. “She came back, but I didn't touch her.  I was just so drunk, Shepard. I just saw you lying there, so small and still, and all I could think was, why couldn’t I make you happy? Why couldn’t our life make you happy?

“You left me, Shepard. You knew how broken you left me the first time. I may not have told you in detail what it was like for me after you died, but you knew it broke me, and you still sent me away fully intending to not come back.” He took quick, hard breaths in, but when he let them out, his trembling rattled the table.

Her tears broke free of her anger, molten rivulets of sorrow and regret flowing over her flayed face. “I didn’t, Garrus. I couldn’t. All I thought about as I walked toward that damned conduit was you and the life we were supposed to have together once the nightmare ended. I shot it, and everything started exploding around me, and I just held on to you.”

His talons caught her tears, whisking them away deftly, without touching her skin. She turned her head, kissing his hand on her left before he could pull it back, then looked up into the beautiful clear blue of his eyes. “Afterward, in the dark, when the other side called me home, promising peace, a light appeared. It promised me one thing: that you would find me, and so I held on. I’m still here, because there’s no peace or happiness without you.”

Garrus mandibles fluttered hard, and he reached out, touching her bottom lip with the pad of a talon still damp with her tears as if anointing it. “The old _Normandy_ ’s bathrooms weren’t very well soundproofed either. I’d stand outside while you showered and listen to you sing. You sang the same song over and over, and I knew it was because it was from a time when you were perfectly happy.”

“You heard that?” The memory scratched a little at her mind’s eye, fluttering like an old celluloid vid. Funny how long it had been since she thought about that time or felt like the woman who first boarded the _Normandy_. A gentle smile whispered across her lips as she thought of that gangly C-Sec officer leaning against a bulkhead listening to his CO sing in the shower.

“I heard and thought to myself, ‘One day, I’ll find a way to make her feel that happy again.’”

Shepard lifted her hand to caress his fringe. “My mother used to sing that song all the time. It filled our house like sunlight. It was how she showed me, my father, God, and the universe that she was happy. It was a song of perfect thanks.

“I stopped singing after Alchera, didn’t I?” She nodded, the answer lying on the other side of having died and come back without so much as a nod of the head from God or anyone else. “Yeah. I did. But, it wasn’t because I was unhappy, Garrus. I just changed songs, and it’s one you might know. You became my song of perfect thanks and happiness.” She clutched at him gently. “Get your ass up here, Vakarian.”

He pushed himself to his feet and bent over her, careful not to touch her. She pressed her hand to his scarred cheek, touching his battered skin as if it were both a blessing and blessed.

“You’ve given me gifts so much richer than you know, Garrus. So much richer than I knew. Dad and Sol, Lenka . . . in becoming my family in the present, they helped me find the family I lost in the past. First my dad, but now, because of that song, my mother.” She sighed and closed her eyes, just savouring the feel of him, warm and alive under her hand.

“My father used to come into my room in the morning and holler out, ‘Daylight in the swamp, Kitten!’” She chuckled, the sound just rolling over in her throat. “He was the sun, big and bright, shining down to warm us all.” When she opened her eyes, they were already focused on Garrus’s. “Have you ever sat beside a rocky stream and just watched the sun play off the ripples, sparkling down through to dance over the rocks?”

He leaned a little closer, letting out a soft huff of breath that made her skin tingle, his mandibles flicking a little as he nodded.

“That symphony of light and beauty was my mother. Cool and soothing with a depth that awed anyone who took the time to look. After my father trumpeted me awake, I’d make my way downstairs, and Mom would kiss me on the cheek and whisper, ‘With a joyous heart, I greet the dawn, soft and beautiful as kitten down.’” Shepard’s eyes filled with tears of love and joy so profound that it seemed insane that she’d left them behind so long ago. She pressed her lips together to still their trembling, then her mate was kissing them, and she returned his kisses, reaching up to pull him down into her, as if she could transfer everything she felt to him.

“I can’t leave you,” she whispered against his mouth. “I’ve got that beauty to create for our children, and for you. That’s why I was born to those amazing people and into this time. Goodness knows why Reapers had to show up in the mix.” She caressed the hard plate of his mouth with her lips. “But they’re gone because they stood between us and this moment. Whatever other reasons, that’s all that mattered to me in that second. Those bastards were standing between me and our happy ending.”

He pulled back a little. She stroked his cheek with her thumb, her gaze sharpening to a razor edge.

“But you have to start telling that voice to shut up, Garrus, because freaking out, getting wasted and acting like an ass is not acceptable, regardless of the reason. I can’t allow that into these babies’ lives. I won’t.” Her sigh came out just as honed as her stare. “They deserve the best parts of both of us, and I can’t let you hurt them.”

Garrus nodded and kissed her. “I love you, Shepard. You’re everything.”

“I know, but it’s only fair, because you’re everything to me.”


	40. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Thirty Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes its just good to be alive. And a secret revealed.

**July 15, 2187**

 

It took three days of constant medigel and cooling blankets before Shepard could stand even a medical gown touching her skin, let alone a regular blanket. Even the normal med bay air felt as though it was set at a million degrees as soon as the cooling blanket was lifted. Gradually, though, new skin grew in and began to toughen up enough to stand the air and then loose clothing.

“Going to be a few more days before I want to wear a uniform again,” she grumbled, slipping into a loose t-shirt and shorts. She held her hands away from her body, hating the heat that built up under her arms. “I still feel like I could run a thermo-generator off my body heat.”

“I want you to spend another night down here before you sleep in your own bed,” Karin told her. “And when you do, you’ll need to change the sheets every night for the first month. All this new skin is really susceptible to infection. We’ve come a long way in their treatment, but burns are still tricky.” She gripped Shepard’s hand for a second, and chuckled. “You look like a scarecrow with your arms stuck out like that.”

“Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be supportive and nurturing?” Shepard laughed and gave Dr. Chakwas hand a playful shove. “So, the speck. Everything seems to be okay?” She wrapped an arm over her belly, her hand rubbing a small, gentle circle. 

Karin opened her omnitool, calling up scans and data that made no sense to Shepard, but seemed to encourage the physician. “Yes. Everything looks fine there. I’m still tracking what they did to both of you in terms of trying to graft new sequences to your DNA. You both seem to be fine and adapting remarkably well.” The doctor shook her head. “You’ll never be able to be out as long as Garrus or the children, but you should be able to spend an afternoon on the beach by the time the Pertexan mutagen is finished with you.”

“So, the loons were actually trying to help me, in their own twisted way?” Shepard gave a very unladylike snort, and leaned back, cocking a hip, her spine ramrod straight. “Ow. They could have saved me a lot of pain if they’d just done it a few days earlier.” She headed for the door. “Okay, time to get some exercise.” She looked back, tilted her chin, and put on a pouty, sexy face. “How do I look?”

Dr. Chakwas just shook her head, then made shooing gestures toward the door. “Get out of here, and give me some peace and quiet for a while.”

Shepard gave her a jaunty salute and strode out the door. The crew did their best not to show any reaction to her patchy crew cut or the thick, red scars that still covered every inch of exposed flesh, but Shepard knew she still looked the worse for wear. They needn’t have worried about hurting her feelings, though. She felt blessed. Things could have been so much worse. She checked with Joker and found out that Garrus was in the comm room, and Lenka was up in their cabin with Herros.

She headed for the comm room first.

“I want vid or sound, some sort of proof of life, Garrus. This is killing me.”

Shepard grinned at the sound of Sol’s voice and climbed the stairs. “How’s this?” she asked, stepping up beside Garrus. She held her hands out and turned a full spin.

The holo of the turian gave her a wide grin, the elegantly shaped mandibles spreading and fluttering hard. “Oh, thank the spirits.” Sol stepped forward and looked Shepard up and down. “You look like crap, and your beautiful hair . . ..”

Chuckling, Shepard shrugged. “What can I say, I decided bald was more my thing.”

Letting out a grumbling sigh, Sol’s shoulders dropped, her entire demeanour deflating a little. “I’ve been worried sick, and that big jerk wouldn’t even send me a holo.”

Shepard looked up at her mate and slipped an arm around his waist, leaning into him as she met his gaze and smiled. “He’s been crazy busy looking after me, Lenka, and the _Normandy_. Give him a tiny break.” She turned back to Sol and held up her thumb and index finger a centimetre apart.

“But you’re okay, and the baby is okay?”

“Yeah, we’re both fine. Still a little sensitive to the touch, but otherwise, all systems normal.” She shrugged. “According to Dr. Chakwas, they actually managed to graft some protection against the sun to my DNA, so I’ll be able to go to the park without an environment suit eventually.” She winced, then stuck out her tongue a little. “You know, if I don’t grow extra arms, tentacles, or chitinous armour.”

“Wow, so I’ll thank them before I shoot them.” Sol’s whole body went rigid. “They lied to me and lied so slickly that it screamed right by. That cost us a day of searching in the wrong direction. Thank the spirits for Twig’s obsession with that escarpment.” She paced to the edge of the pad and back.

“Hey, Sol. I’m here. The speck is here. We’re all good, and I love you to death for trying so hard to get me home.” Shepard smiled. “I wish I could hug you.”

“And I wish I could go all crazy aunt on the not-yet baby bump, but a couple more months and you’ll be back, and I can overdose on baby bump.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Admiral Hackett’s starting what I think is a dominance display dance over by his desk, so I’d better get out of here.” She reached out her hand, graceful talons flexing. “I love you guys. Send my love to Dad and Lenka. I’ll see you soon.”

Shepard blew a kiss. “Love you too, Sol. Talk soon.”

“Talk to you soon, Stretch, and thanks,” Garrus said, then stepped forward to deactivate the comm. He turned to Shepard and gave her a tiny smile. “Dr. Chakwas get tired of you and throw you out?” Reaching up, he ran the back of his first talon along the line from her chin to her jaw, his touch as soft as a feather.

She nodded and slipped her arms around his waist. “Yeah, told me to give her some peace and quiet.” She rested her head against his chest. “I can’t wait to be able to sleep up in our cabin. I hate that bed in med bay.”

“It’s sterile,” he replied.

“Yeah, but it’s only big enough for one. I miss sleeping curled up against you.” She gave him a squeeze. “My favourite place in the universe is being tucked in against your side.”

He rested gentle hands on her shoulders, but didn’t rub or squeeze her. She loved how careful he tried to be with her, but ached to be enveloped by him. She reached up, took his hands and wrapped them around her. He chuckled and bent to nuzzle the top of her head.

“So, Captain Hierarch Vakarian, what’s on your itinerary for this evening?” she asked him.

“Another call on the QEC in a moment, then my calendar is open.” He rested his cheek softly against her brow. “Maybe I could spend a little time with my mate and daughter, just watch a vid and relax for a few hours.”

“That’s the best idea I’ve heard in a long time.” She pulled back just far enough to kiss him. “I second that motion. All in favour. Aye. Carried.”

“Garrus?” Traynor’s voice came through on the comm. “Hierarch Degarius is on the QEC, sir.”

Shepard pulled away and backed up out of holo-camera range, not feeling like chatting with the Hierarch in her shorts.

Garrus turned to the console. “Put him through, Specialist.” 

The elderly turian appeared and smiled. “Ah, Hierarch Vakarian, it’s good to see you, again. How is Admiral Shepard faring? She’s recovering quickly, I hope?”

“She is doing very well, thank you.” Garrus shifted to stand with his hands clasped lightly behind him, his posture formal, but relaxed. “How may I be of assistance today, Hierarch?”

Shepard found herself grinning at her mate like a fool. He just assumed the mantle of Hierarch with complete ease. Damn, he was sexy.

“Gira has spoken of little other than her desire to meet the admiral and try to make up in some small way for her introduction to her new home,” Degarious said. “We were hoping to get the chance to entertain the two of you and Herros in our home tomorrow evening.”

Garrus glanced to Shepard, who nodded. She’d wanted to meet Gira as well. Spending a few hours getting to know people who had tried so hard to save her life seemed like the least she could do.

“It would be our pleasure, thank you.”

“We will send a shielded shuttle and a gunship escort at 1700 hrs Earth Standard.” Degarious bowed his head a little. “Until tomorrow.”

“We look forward to it.” Garrus returned the slight bow, then closed the channel.

Shepard took two running steps as he turned, then jumped up, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. He staggered back a step, so she let him recover before she leaned down and kissed him.

“Damn you are sexy in political mode, Vakarian.” She shoved aside the complaints from all the places where her new skin met the edges of his plates, and grinned down at him.

He chuckled. “Well, if I’d known that was all it took . . ..” He wrapped his arms around her and tucked his face into her neck. “Why don’t you go up and see what our daughter is into, and I’ll bring up dinner for four?”

She kissed him again. “No, I think I’ll just hang here for a bit, and let the crew convince themselves that I’ve lost my mind. I can totally accept a Cat 6 for obsessive adoration of husband.” She slid down. “You go grab food, I’ll call Adrien so that Terion can stop stalking me to report back that I’m alive, and then we’ll just curl up on the bed and relax.”

He kissed her. “I haven’t heard a better idea in a long time, and yeah, Adrien turned the galaxy on its axis to find you, so you should call him. Never seen so many resources pulled together so quickly in my life, and I’m sure it was killing him to be doing it from thousands of light years away.”

Shepard pulled back and smiled at him. “You’re okay with him, now?” She reached up and stroked her hand over his scars.

After a second, he let out a breath and nodded. “Turians have a relationship called karifratrus, where friends or family accept responsibility for one another’s families. My father and Degarius swore the bond when they were very young men. If something had happened to my father, Rossus would have taken responsibility for my family, seen to it we were cared for.”

Shepard smiled, just a soft curve of her lips.

“It’s not the same with Adrien, of course, but it’s comforting to know that he’s there if my family needs him.” He caressed her jawline with the back of his fingers. He took a quick breath and nodded. “Okay. You call, I’ll find food and send the adorable one to find you in a few minutes. She’s been going through some pretty serious separation anxiety. It’ll do her good to bring you in.” His mandibles fluttered, and he bent to kiss her. “I love you, wife.”

Shepard smiled and kissed him back. “And I love you, husband.” She watched him stride across the war room, then turned to the console. A few moments later, Adrien appeared.

He stared at her for a long moment, his entire body appearing so tense that she was fairly sure he was heating the air around him from the vibrations, but then he let out a huge rush of air and relaxed. “Jane, thank the spirits.” He studied her from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. “I almost had myself convinced that Terion was lying to spare me.”

A kind, loving smile curved her lips, and Shepard shook her head. “I’m fine, Adrien. I just couldn’t bear clothes until today, and yeah, Garrus would not react well to the whole naked vid call issue. Nor would my crew. That would be awkward.” 

He sighed and chuckled, shaking his head. “Well, at least I see that you are still . . . impossibly you.”

“Always.” She winked. “That never gets better, just worse.”

“You look tired.”

She nodded. “Yeah, still a bit, but I wanted to let you know that I’m all right so that your son could stop following me everywhere but the washroom in order to report back. And I wanted to thank you for everything you did to get me found. You’re the very best of men and friends. Thank you.”

“Mommy!”

Shepard turned toward the sound of racing feet on deck plating, smiling as Lenka belted across the war room.

“Mommy,” Lenka called, running up the stairs, stopping just short of grabbing Shepard. 

Shepard gave Adrien an apologetic smile. “I’m right here, baby.” She took Lenka’s hand. “Lenka, this is Mommy and Daddy’s friend, Primarch Victus. He’s Terion’s daddy.” She looked up at the Primarch. “Adrien, this is Lenka. We found her adrift on a freighter, and she stole our hearts.”

Adrien’s mandibles fluttered in a smile. “Hello, Lenka. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Lenka grinned and wrapped an arm around Shepard’s waist. “Hello. Terion is my friend. He helps me with my numbers and letters.” She sighed, suddenly very serious. “Mommy got lost.”

“The Primarch helped Daddy find me,” Shepard said, hugging the child close.

Lenka beamed at the projection. “Thank you.” She looked up at Shepard. “She lost her hair, but Dr. Chakwas says it will grow back.”

Shepard chuckled and stroked a loving hand over the child’s head. “Yes, she did.”

Adrien smiled, but it looked sad and worn. He leaned forward, palms braced against the console. “She’s always beautiful.”

Lenka nodded earnestly and hugged Shepard tight. “Yes, she is.”

“Okay, you two. That’s enough of that.” She looked to Adrien and reached up to touch the backs of her fingers to her brow. “Thank you, for everything.”

His mandibles fluttered hard. “Where did you learn that?”

She grinned. “A lot of time in bed with nothing but an omni-tool and a desire to make sure I’m not doing some gesture to offend people when I go into their houses for dinner. I’m going to be living on this planet, after all.” She chuckled. “I’ll talk to you in a few days. Thanks again, my friend.”

“Of course, Jane.” Adrien smiled at Lenka. “It was a pleasure to meet you.”

“You too.” She gave him a little wave.

Shepard closed the comm channel and looked down at Lenka. “Do you think Daddy has some food ready, yet? I’m really hungry.”

Lenka frowned. “What did you do?”

“What? You mean this?” Shepard touched the backs of her fingers to her brow again.

“Yes. What does it mean?” 

Shepard leaned down and touched her brow to the child’s. “It’s like doing that when you like someone.”

“Oh.” Lenka beamed again and led the way out of the comm room. They passed Herros in the CIC.

“You coming up for dinner, Dad?” Shepard brushed a kiss on his cheek.

He nodded. “I have been given a top secret mission first, but then I’ll be up.” He gave Lenka a wink.

Shepard looked back and forth. “You two. I don’t know. I sense a conspiracy afoot here.”

Herros just shrugged and headed off.

Shepard chuckled. Lenka led her to the elevator, but then stopped and just stood there. Shepard waited for a second, then moved to palm the control, but Lenka pulled her back. 

She looked around for a moment, then leaned down, her lips pressed to the top of her daughter’s head. “What are we doing?”

Lenka just giggled. 

“Yeah, I feel a trap being set here.” Shepard straightened. When Herros reappeared, carrying something behind his back, she stared at him through suspicious eyes. “Are we waiting for you?”

He shrugged, but his mandible flutter gave him away. “Not for me.”

“Uh huh.” Shepard crossed her arms and assumed a slightly combative stance. “This is the part in the vid where I start screaming at the screen. Don’t go in there. Never ever go into the dark, scary room!”

Lenka rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, cocking a hip in an imitation of Shepard, who couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not. “You’re so silly. There’s no scary room. We’re just going up to the cabin.”

Herros chuckled, the sound warm and comforting.

“Right, sorry, Miss Grown-up,” Shepard sighed, not missing the glance that passed from Herros to his granddaughter. 

Lenka stepped up and palmed the elevator control. When the door opened, Garrus stood inside, trays in hand. Shepard grinned, but said nothing as her daughter grasped her prosthetic hand and dragged her into the elevator. 

When they stepped out of the elevator at the cabin Lenka smiled up at Shepard. “Close your eyes.”

Even though she did as she was told, Shepard chuckled and squeezed the tiny hand in hers. “I knew it. I want that on the record.”

Lenka tugged on her hand, leading her very slowly and carefully into their cabin. Shepard felt Herros and Garrus hovering next to her either elbow just in case, but they needn’t have worried. She knew that particular room by heart.

“Step down,” Lenka said, going even more slowly. She helped Shepard down the stairs, then turned right, leading her around the chair to stand just behind the coffee table. The child let out a high-pitched, excited giggle that made Shepard smile wide, pure joy piercing her through.

“Okay, open your eyes.”

Shepard did, blinking a little in the dim light, a wide smile creeping across her face. “Wow, look at this.” A large frame hung from the bulkhead above the couch, a work of insane, chaotic beauty. It stood as tall and wide as Shepard’s spread arms and had been made out of scraps of metal, wood and stone, creating a pattern both breathtakingly complex and gorgeous. Lenka’s artwork covered almost the entire thing.

“Wow, you and your Papa are amazing. It’s so beautiful.” Shepard lowered herself onto the edge of the coffee table and pulled Lenka between her knees, wrapping the child in her arms. “All your art,” she said, kissing the her cheek. “What an amazing surprise, baby. Thank you so much.” She looked up at the display of Lenka’s newfound passion. “Oh look, there’s your very first drawing.”

Lenka grinned and leaned into Shepard, just sort of bowing to fit in along her length. She took Shepard’s hand in both of hers. “Do you like it? We wanted to surprise you before you could come back and sleep here.”

Shepard looked up as Garrus set the trays on the table behind her, staring into his eyes.

“I love it. It’s just so beautiful.” Shepard pressed her lips to Lenka’s temple. “It makes me so happy to see all your pictures up there.” She sighed and rested her cheek against the child’s head. “I love you so much, my precious girl.” 

Lenka pulled back, turning to wrap her arms around Shepard’s waist, laying against her. “I love you too, Mommy.”

Shepard looked back to the art. “How come there’s an empty spot in the middle?”

Lenka pulled back and grinned, turning to look up at Garrus.

“Nooo.” Shepard smiled wide and looked up at him. “Not the secret art project at last?”

Herros passed Garrus a plain paper-wrapped package. 

Garrus sat on the end of the bed closest to her and gave her one of his more hesitant smiles. “Well, it seemed like the appropriate time.” He passed it to her.

Shepard reached around Lenka, gripping his hand for a moment before taking the package. She looked at the child. “Have you seen this?” When Lenka shook her head, Shepard held it between them. “Want to help me open it?” 

They unwrapped the package, laying open the paper carefully. Inside was a smaller, but equally beautiful frame, laying face down. Shepard turned it over, tears springing into her eyes even as Lenka gasped.

“It’s us!” The child squealed and jumped into Garrus’s arms. “It looks just like us.”

Shepard stared down at the work of art in her hands, unable to believe that such a thing had come out of crayons and an old mission report draft. It took no stretch at all to believe it had come from the man, and for a moment, she felt unbelievably humbled to see that glimpse of the universe through his eyes. 

She reached out, taking his hand without looking up, unable to drag her gaze away from the beauty before her. In the picture, Lenka leaned back against her, their cheeks pressed together. Shepard faced slightly into the child, who looked down. Bright smiles lit up both their faces, their skin soft and alive looking, their eyes leaping off the paper.

“Shepard?” Garrus asked, his voice soft.

She blinked away the tears in her eyes and let out a long, shaking sigh, the muscles in her chest hitching softly. Looking up, she met his gaze, her face unsure what expression to wear.

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, except for the two of you.” She leaned over and kissed him, letting him pull her in, sliding her over onto his unoccupied knee. Shepard tucked her head in under his jaw and reached out to caress Lenka’s cheek. “Your dad’s quite the artist, huh?”

Lenka took the picture from Shepard’s hand, her face taking on the super-serious, adult expression that made the admiral awed, sad and joyful all at the same time. How could someone so small make her feel so much? 

The child nodded in answer to Shepard’s question and slipped down off Garrus’s lap to look up at Herros. “Help me hang it up, Papa?”

Herros stepped around Shepard, caressing the top of her head very gently as he passed, lifting Lenka up to place Garrus’s masterpiece in the center of their display.

“This is just the best surprise ever, you guys,” Shepard said, grinning at each in turn. She turned to press her lips against Garrus’s cheek, sliding them along to his aural canal. When she spoke, her voice came out as barely more than a breath. “When that voice tells you that there’s no beauty inside this heart . . .” She pressed her hand against his chest, gripping the silky material of his tunic lightly. “. . . I want you to look over at that piece on the wall, because the man who sees his world through those eyes is nothing but beauty.”

Garrus pulled her in tight against him, and even though it hurt, she held him back just as tight. After a moment, she eased back and reached up to stroke his cheek. “Let’s eat and enjoy our first family night in a while.”

He leaned in and kissed her, then scooped Lenka up as she ran to the table to search for her dinner. “I’ll just eat the small child.” He nuzzled Lenka’s cheek until she squealed and latched onto Shepard, seeking salvation.

They ate, sprawled over the couches and one another, chatting about the things that awaited them on Earth, about returning to Pertexa to see Susie and the other people they’d left behind, about what sort of house they’d live in once they moved to Palaven.

“I’ve seen the sun and felt the heat, I am digging a cave out of the cliff,” Shepard said. “You two can live out front if you want, but the cave is mine.” She laughed and leaned back against Garrus’s side, reaching up to slip her hand under his arm. She let her head slide to the nearest hollow that meant she didn’t have to hold it up herself and just melted into a human-shaped goo of relaxation.

“Most of the houses are built partway into the cliffs anyway,” Garrus told her. “It’s why our cities are based around mountains and places like the Cipritine Canyon. The businesses and civic buildings fill the valley and the residential district climbs the cliffs. Keeps the houses cooler without need for a vast amount of power.”

“It’s why, unlike most people, we build long and low with morning side windows,” Herros added. “The windows take in the morning sun to warm the home, then as it passes overhead, the thick earthen roofs and walls repel it.”

Shepard smiled, closing her eyes. “We have cultures on Earth who build very similarly, or did before the giant white tower cometh. I’m glad Palaven fiercely held onto its culture and way of doing things. Except for maybe the salarians, it’s like everyone went to the Citadel, met the asari, and said, let’s make way uglier versions of their towers. It makes me sad to go into any construction anywhere and have no idea that I’ve even changed planets.”

“Except that day at the cultural bureau.” Garrus draped his arm around her, holding her against his side.

“Yeah, I loved that it had a presence that said, I’m not like the rest. Like it or bugger off.” Shepard opened her eyes and looked over at Lenka who was lying on the bed, reading a story out loud to Jane. “You about ready for bed there, gorgeous?”

Lenka shook her head. “Have to finish story for Jane.” She glanced back over her shoulder. “You sleeping up here tonight, Mommy?”

Shepard sighed and curled tighter into Garrus, able to feel a feel a few places where she’d abraded the new skin. “No. Dr. Chakwas wants me to sleep down in med bay another night. She wants to cover me in medigel again and make me all slimy.” She chuckled as the child exaggerated a shudder and made disgusted noises. “You going to come down and stay with me?”

Her face went serious. “Is Daddy?”

Garrus’s subvocals rumbled a little, and the child grinned, turning back to her story. He turned to nuzzle Shepard’s brow. “You tired?”

She shook her head. “No, but she can curl up with me down there to watch a vid on my omnitool until I pass out. I’m wearing thin in a few spots.”

He pulled back. “Where? Has the skin broken?”

She tugged him back in against her. “No significant damage. She can finish reading first.”

“I’ve got to sterilize the sheets and several pillows for tomorrow.” He scowled, his brow plates dropping low over his eyes. “If the skin is still breaking, shouldn’t you stay down there? We’ll cancel dinner for a couple more days.”

Shepard shook her head. “I want to be on our way back to Earth in a couple of days.” She took his hand, calming his worried rant before it started. “I’ll borrow one of Liara’s gowns and stay in the shuttle until you check the house for radiation levels. I really want to meet Gira and just have a normal evening.” She sat up and turned around to look into his eyes. “Remember those? We’ve had about three.” Sighing, she leaned in to kiss him. “I know you worry, love, but you know me. Another day or two stuck down there, I’ll lose my mind.”

“Rossus and Gira have both assured me, independently, that their home is completely sealed,” Herros rumbled. “Jane will be fine. Gira is a wonderful woman who, coincidently, just sent me a message, asking me to make sure that you bring Lenka along.” He chuckled. “She says that it’s been too long since the sound of small feet echoed through their dumin.”

Shepard gave him a grateful smile. Leaving Lenka behind the next evening would not have gone well. The child still feared Shepard being out of her sight for more than an hour or so. If she’d left the ship without her, Traynor would have had quite the evening on her hands.

Lenka closed her book, yawned and clutched Jane to her chest, laying so that her sleepy, half-lidded eyes stared into Shepard’s. Shepard smiled, patting Garrus’s hand.

“Looks like our first baby is ready for bed.” 

“Yeah.” He stood and walked over, lifting the child to carry her in his arms. At the door, he stopped and looked back, his head tilting to look at Shepard around the divider. “You coming?”

Shepard turned to stare at the beautiful portrait of her and Lenka, letting out a soft sigh. “Yeah. Coming.” Another breath or two, she stood. “Yeah, I’m coming.”


	41. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's nice just to spend an evening being . . . normal.

**Turian Closed Dialect:**

**Sorau dulca** \- Sweet sister. A term of affection between females of any social tier, but particularly mother/daughter, sisters, aunt/niece, grandmother/granddaughter.

 **Maraquil** \- Sea birds of prey. Large white and blue-green raptors that nest in seaside cliffs on Palaven.

 **Amarceru** \- the bitter, mud-like tea popular with turians. Also popular with quarians but far more dilute.

 **Formal Greeting for expected guests:** **Welcome:** Loramici intratar rekescatius

 **Thanks/Acceptance:** Espectat utamici tibitias agimetran

 **Greeting for friends coming to your home:** **Welcome:** Laramici **Thanks/Acceptance:** Utamiri

 **Pergrian:** Stranger, foreigner.

**July 16, 2187**

Another night of being medigel'd to the teeth behind her, Shepard woke feeling pretty human the next day. Still, the most restrictive clothing she could tolerate was a sweatsuit, and Dr. Chakwas insisted on splinting her still mending arm, not trusting her to treat it with care.

"I swear, you'd think I ran around looking for things to do to get myself hurt," she grumbled as she banged the solid polymer brace against the edge of the table. The jolts caused enough discomfort that she stopped and settled for glowering at the doctor and Garrus.

Karin just glared at the spot Shepard had been hitting. "And that sort of behaviour is supposed to give me confidence in your ability to keep from smashing it again?" She shook her head and strode toward the exam room at the front. "And no leaping on Garrus," she admonished over her shoulder.

The doctor stopped at her desk, heaving a long-suffering sigh. "Your skin just can't take any sort of rough treatment for at least another week." She gestured to the bruises showing on Shepard's upper chest and arms. "You left here last evening bruise and abrasion free then came back with six abrasions and the front of you looks like a world map."

Shrugging, Shepard zipped the hoodie up a little further. "It's not my fault my mate is hard, pointy in spots, and irresistible." She threw a mock pout into the mix, earning a heavy hand pressing down onto the back of her neck.

"Shepard," Garrus said and sighed. "Stop being difficult."

She screwed her face up into a considering frown, then grumbled. "Fine. So, I'm cleared for work as long as there's no combat or crawling into cramped spaces, etc.? And I'm good to go for tonight?" Leaning back, she rested her hip against Garrus's and crossed her arms. "Please tell me I don't have to sleep down here another night."

"You can sleep in your own bed, but pillows between you until further notice." The doctor nodded toward the door. "Now, go away."

Shepard straightened as Garrus stepped away, but didn't follow. "So, Doc, on a completely unrelated and totally different subject … can we have sex again?" She bit down on her lip to keep from grinning at the oath that rumbled out of Garrus. "Please?"

Dr. Chakwas let out a long sigh. "Yes, fine, if you can find a way to have sex without your skin coming in contact with his plates. Now get out!"

"Thanks, Doc," Shepard called over her shoulder as she jogged out the door, passing Garrus at the threshold.

She took a few steps toward Liara's quarters, then stopped and turned to face him. "What are you up to today? Do we have crews to take those transports back to Pertexa with us?"

"Yes to the crews. Most of the same people who came with them want to return. Since Terion doesn't need to be on board the _Normandy_ for the trip back, he's going to command one of them. As for what I'm up to today … ." He let out a half-hearted sigh that the fluttering of his mandibles belied. "Other than trying to keep you out of trouble, you mean? I've been helping manage the distribution of supplies at the camps." He walked over and ran his hands down her arms, taking her hands in his. "Are you sure we're going to be able to send some more supplies back here without endangering the people on Pertexa?"

Nodding, Shepard squeezed his hands. "Those warehouses still had more than a year's supplies in them, and by the time we get back, hopefully most of the indigenous people will be able to return to their tribes. I can't wait to get some actual oversight in place there." She frowned. "Adrien sent the names of the three surgeons and physicians?"

"Yes. I've contacted them, and they're ready to leave tomorrow. I put them on one of the transports." He cocked his head a little, tilting his chin in a challenge.

Shepard grinned and stepped in to kiss him. "I guess I knew what I was doing choosing my XO, huh?" She slipped her arms around his waist, then let out a long sigh as knuckles rapped against glass. Lifting a hand to wave to the doctor without glancing over that way, she pulled back. "To be continued where Dr. No-Fun can't see." She backed toward Liara's door. "I'll meet you upstairs in two hours just to run through the last minute checklist for lift off tomorrow?" When he agreed, she turned and trotted over to knock on the door.

"Come in."

Shepard palmed the door control, waiting the few seconds as it decided whether or not to let her in. When it opened, Glyph zipped up to greet her.

"Good day, Admiral Shepard. You look as though your recent injuries are healing well," the drone greeted.

"Yes, thank you, Glyph. May I speak to Liara for a moment?" Shepard shook her head. It seemed insane, but the little glowing fellow behaved more like a bodyguard than a personal assistant.

"Of course, Admiral." Glyph swooped off to loiter in a corner by the bed.

"Hey, Liara." Shepard walked up behind Liara, who sat working at her computer. "What are you up to?"

"Still sifting through the OSD's from the Cerberus base, and the few things that Garrus found at those Scion bases. This Apostle entity is massive, Shepard." Her hands flipped a little in front of her, helpless flutters like birds with broken wings. Shepard frowned and reached out to take one in hers, squeezing it, knowing that without her resources, the Shadow Broker felt as though she had broken wings.

"I have no idea how it became so large so fast, and managed to stay under everyone's radar. Even Primarch Victus's people stumbled onto it by accident." Liara took her hand away and stood, pacing to her wall of vid screens and back. "Your dreams and visions seem to indicate that the Apostles link back to Balak, but that doesn't make sense." Her hands laid out the points in the air as she paced. "He's running TPR and the Apostles? Or are we missing something?" The asari stopped, sighed, and rubbed two delicate fingers across her brow. "I sure hope they get galaxy-wide comms up and running soon. I'm blind."

Shepard stood and walked over, taking both of Liara's hands. "I know that you feel like you're floundering a bit, but tonight, grab James, Cortez and Traynor. Go out talk to people. Do your work the old-fashioned way. People gathered intel for thousands of years before the extranet. Go out, be useful rather than sitting here stewing." She gave Liara's hands a firm shake, and met her eyes steadily, her eyebrows raised. "Go out and Shadow Broker all over the place."

Liara laughed. "Haven't thought of Shadow Broker as a verb before. Maybe it's time to start."

Setting that decision in place, Shepard nodded and released her. "Now that's settled … " She winked. "… I need to borrow a dress. Something not see through because if I have to wear a bra, I will murder half of Palaven, and nothing skin tight for the love of the goddess." Shepard grinned. "Have anything that would fit that bill?"

Liara chuckled and walked over to her closet. "I have just the thing."

* * *

Shepard stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, wishing she could just go all the way bald. Never terribly vain, she didn't worry about things like hiding scars or wearing makeup. The most she ever wore was a dash of pink over her lips, and her hair just did what it did. She kept it short so that all she had to do was wash it and run her fingers through it. Vain, she was not. Still, the few little patches of red stubble sticking out between the scars made her want to cover her head.

"Stop staring at your head and come out," Garrus called. "You can't will it to insta-grow."

Shepard sighed and turned to the door, walking out when it slid open. Her heart lifted a little when Garrus looked at her, his chin rising as his mandibles spread wide, fluttering hard.

"You look stunning." He walked over and leaned down to touch his brow to hers.

Shepard smiled and closed her eyes. "Thank you." She stepped back and gave a quick twirl. The dress plunged low in back, and a simple, scoop neckline swept just below her collar bones. The butter-soft, satin under-layer sparkled in a mottled white and navy-blue pattern, and the four, sheer layers above dropped straight from her shoulders to her feet in silky, sky-blue ripples.

She grinned, chuckling a little. "I feel sort of like a girl."

Garrus held out his hand. " _Maribellu dilekorem_."

The way the words trilled through his sub-vocals made her skin rise in gooseflesh. She slipped her fingers into his and leaned in to press a soft, moist kiss against his mandible. "You and Dad are both using a lot more closed dialect than you have before. I like it."

Garrus chuckled. "Guess it comes from being home." Pressing his face next to her ear, he whispered. "It means beautiful beloved, specifically one's mate." He nuzzled her ear then pulled back and turned to look over his shoulder to where Lenka was putting crayons and papers into a small backpack. "You ready, pretty eyes?"

Lenka zipped up the bag and ran up the stairs, her blue dress swishing merrily around her legs, her highly polished shoes glinting in the light. She passed Garrus her backpack then looked up at him, a very serious, thoughtful expression on her face. "What is the word for pretty eyes in your other language, Daddy?"

Mandible flaring a little, Garrus bent down. "It's _ornatulia_."

"That's a pretty word." Lenka gave him a bright smile and slipped her hand into Shepard's. "I'm ready."

Shepard bent to kiss the top of her head. "Yes, you are, and so very pretty." She hid a deep breath behind a smile. "Let's get moving before we're late."

Gratefully, she leaned into Garrus's arm when he slipped it around her waist. As much as she tried to swallow her nerves at leaving the ship, they made themselves known in the trembling of her hands and the herd of butterflies that set flight in her gut. He knew, of course. He always knew.

A shuttle awaited at the end of the docking tube, a gun ship sitting on the ground to either side, armed soldiers arranged around the entire area. They saluted her, the barrels of their rifles touching their brows. Responding with a smile and a nod of the head to each, Shepard forced her back straight and her shoulders square.

Garrus hurried her straight off the _Normandy_ and into the shuttle.

Sighing, she nodded to the pilot. "Belated permission to come aboard?"

"Granted, Admiral Shepard. Welcome aboard." The turian saluted. "We'll give you a quick, easy trip, ma'am." He held a hand out toward the seats where Herros already awaited them.

"We should have brought James," Garrus said, glancing around them nervously as he helped Lenka sit and buckled her in.

"He didn't do us any good last time," Shepard whispered, lacing her voice with a certainty she didn't feel. "We'll be fine." She sat beside Lenka, taking the child's hand in hers, and shot a pointed look at Garrus. It was the child's first time off the _Normandy_ , and Palaven would be her home soon enough. Shepard didn't want her terrified of it.

Grumbling under his breath at himself, Garrus nodded and sat on Lenka's other side. He put his arm around the child, his hand resting on Shepard's shoulder. "So, what do you think?" he asked the little batarian. "Which pile of rubble do you want as your bedroom?"

Lenka craned to look out the door, amazing Shepard as always by going along with the joke. "Mmmmmm, that one, with the car sticking out of it," she said and giggled.

Chuckling, Shepard hugged Lenka against her side. "Excellent. I chose the one right next to that. We can throw things back and forth."

The child grinned and snuggled in against Shepard's side.

The shuttle lifted off, the gunships rising into the air right beside it. Shepard appreciated their host's concern for her safety, but it did nothing to alleviate the dread crawling around in her gut. She forced it aside. For some strange reason, she believed Balak; she wouldn't hear from him or the Apostles for a while. No, they would bide their time. She just wished she knew how they and TPR fit together. One offered millions of credits to hunt her down, the other propped her up as some twisted holy figure. How could they be run by the same man?

Garrus squeezed her shoulder, bringing her back from her unsettling thoughts. She cast a soft smile in his direction, then looked to the displays showing the world outside the shuttle. They moved quickly out of the clean, organized shipyard down a corridor of partially restored buildings that seemed to bisect the old city. The construction zone ended after about a kilometer, and the small convoy turned to port, moving toward the massive, tiered cliff face on the opposite side of the canyon from the one Shepard had climbed. As they got closer, Shepard smiled, seeing a restored and rebuilt residential district far larger than she expected.

Homes climbed the lowest three tiers. Construction-wise, they looked much like cob houses she'd seen on Earth but for the silver-blue colour of the earth. However, instead of taking the shape of blocks or other more usual manmade forms, the faces of the houses flowed and soared like wings, amazing detail carved and sculpted right into the building. The patterns reminded Shepard of turian ship and fighter design; giant, stylized birds of prey climbing toward the heavens.

"They're amazing," she whispered, forgetting her nerves in the face of the sheer beauty built into each, individual home and how they all just sort of flowed together into a seamless whole. "They're works of art."

Each house's outer wings swept down to create walls that enclosed garden areas. Two storey versions also had walled gardens set on the roof of the floor below. Small, jewel-like pockets of nature nestled into what she could only describe as live-in sculptures, taking her breath away.

Garrus rumbled a soft agreement. "They endure for hundreds, even thousands of cycles, although Reapers weren't something our ancestors planned on. I wish you could have seen the city the way it was."

She reached up and laid her hand over his. "I will. You'll be amazed at how fast it comes back."

The shuttle settled down in front of the home at the end of the first level, coming to rest on a small piece of tarmac off to the side of the garden. Shepard pressed a hand against her stomach, suddenly nervous for reasons that had nothing to do with lunatic cults. This was it. Normalcy, of a sort. No matter how much she'd wanted it, she didn't possess the first clue if she could deal with it.

Herros stood first, walking to the hatch, but he waited for the pilot to open it before stepping out.

Shepard unbuckled Lenka and helped her stand, smoothing out the child's dress. When Garrus stood, Shepard held out her hands. "Want me to dewrinkle you as well?"

He chuckled and pulled her gently to her feet. "Quit stalling." He gathered her in against his side and nuzzled her brow. "You'll like Gira."

She smiled and leaned into him a little as he led her to the hatch.

The door of the home opened and a female turian stepped out, followed by the elderly male from their QEC communications. Herros walked over to them, offering both arms to Rossus. They gripped one another just ahead of their elbows, then by the shoulders. Shepard smiled, seeing behind their greeting the love and enthusiasm of old friends who'd greatly missed one another. After a moment, Herros turned to Gira, clasping her hands and bending to touch brows.

The trio spoke for a moment, then retreated back to the dwelling. As soon as they disappeared inside, leaving the door open behind them, Garrus stepped out. Shepard followed, only to be engulfed by her mate as soon as her feet hit the ground, as if he could shield her. Shepard paused and reached back for Lenka, taking the little batarian's hand. When the child hopped out, she pressed herself in tight against Shepard's leg.

Shepard stuck to Garrus's shadow as he crossed the garden space and in the front door. Gira met them, ushering them through. Her gold-copper eyes sparkled with good humour and what Shepard could only call delight. Something in that lovely gaze settled Shepard's nerves, and she pulled in a long breath that exhaled like a sigh.

"Welcomed as friends, enter our dwelling, and take your ease," Gira said.

Garrus took a breath to respond, but Shepard smiled and released Lenka's hand to raise both hands, elbows bent, palms turned toward her face. " _Espectat utamici tibitias agimetran_ ," Shepard responded, blushing a little at her flawed pronunciation, being unable to lace in the subvocalizations and subtle click, whistle, and throat sounds native to the closed dialect.

Gira's long, elegant mandibles fluttered in a gracious smile as she reached up, her forearms slipping inside Shepard's, talons and fingers lacing in the traditional formal female greeting. "You honour us," she said, stepping back.

Turning to Garrus, she offered her hands, grasping his. " _Laramici._ "

" _Utamiri_ ," he replied and released her. He let out a long breath and looked around, his entire body relaxing. "They rebuilt it exactly as I remember," he said, his voice soft. "Strange that I remember it at all. The last time I came here … ."

"You were smaller than this one," Gira replied, looking down at Lenka. "I didn't think you remembered me at all that night." She made a gentle trilling sound.

Garrus ducked his head. "I didn't until I walked in just now and saw the _maraquil_ worked into the walls. My apologies."

Dismissing his apology with a pat on his hand, she tilted her head a little. "You had a great deal on your mind, and it has been a very long time." She followed his gaze around the large main room. "As for our home … too many memories lived within the walls to allow the Reapers to take them completely." She bent down to Lenka's eye level. "Who do we have here?" She held out her hand. "Hello, I'm Gira."

Lenka peeked out from behind Shepard, but didn't make a move forward.

"Lenka, Gira is a good friend of your Papa's," Shepard told her, encouraging her to come out of hiding.

Gira smiled. "I knew your daddy when he was this big." She held her hands apart only wide enough to hold a small melon.

Lenka giggled. "He was never that small."

Gira laughed. "He was, and he squawked all the time. Oh, spirits, what a noise." She offered her hand a little closer. "Your papa tells me that you like cake."

Lenka edged out, her eyes bright as she took Gira's hand. "I love cake."

Letting out an exaggerated huff of relief, Gira stood, still holding the child's hand. "Thank the spirits, because we have a cake that's just for people like you and your mother."

Shepard let out a relieved sigh as Lenka let the turian lead her away a little, the conversation turning to toys and what sorts of games Lenka enjoyed playing. She looked up as Rossus approached her, but waited for him to speak.

The hierarch took Shepard's hands, his grip weak and tremulous. "Please, come in and take your ease. There is no need to stand upon formality."

Giving his hands a gentle, warm squeeze, Shepard said, "Thank you so much for your gracious hospitality."

When he released her hands, Degarius greeted Garrus, then held out an arm to usher them further into the central room. He returned to Herros, the friends grasping shoulders again before moving over to an elaborate section of shelving, the walls just seeming to flow out to encase a wide variety of bottles and drinking vessels.

Garrus slipped an arm around her waist and guided her to a large fireplace that, just like the shelves, had been moulded out of the same earthen material as the rest of the home. "The hearth or _caman_ is the source of heat when it's needed." He pointed to doors leading out of the nearly circular room. "It's the heart of the _domin_ , and in a single floor home, the bedrooms are positioned around the center to the back so they are inside the cliff. In a two storey home, a small hallway usually leads to a couple of rooms on the first floor, and stairs up to the second."

Shepard nodded and pressed close to him, laying a hand over the one on her hip. "It feels so warm and welcoming. Why didn't everyone come here and decide to imitate turian architecture?"

"Too much work," Gira answered, walking around the _camin_ , Lenka still attached to her hand. "Why spend years creating something when you can rivet a few metal panels together and throw them down on every world?"

Lenka grinned up at Shepard, crumbs on her lips and icing on her fingers. "The cake is really good, Mommy," she announced.

Shepard laughed and reached out to brush the crumbs away with a loving hand. "So I see."

"I hope you don't mind," Gira said. "Her eyes just got so big when she saw it."

Meeting the female's eyes, Shepard shook her head. "Not at all. She hasn't had nearly enough cake, or anything else, in her life." She looked around. "I can't believe how beautiful your _domin_ is. All the detail work." Reaching out to run her fingertips along the patterned trim around the hearth, Shepard shook her head, astonished that someone had taken so much time to inlay the shards of coloured stone, metal and other materials into the earthen walls. A play of seabirds, waves and wind swooped around them, across all the surfaces, even floor and ceiling.

"I see where the inspiration for the frame in our cabin came from, now." She leaned in close, looking at a particular piece of metal that looked like part of a hinge from a skycar door. "Is this … ?"

Gira nodded, her chin tilting and mandibles flicking with pride. "With so much destruction around us, we decided to turn as much of it into beauty as we could." She held out her arm, gesturing toward the other side of the hearth. "Please, come and take your ease. We can talk and get to know one another."

Shepard patted Garrus's hand and stepped away from him, following Gira into what would have been a kitchen in a human home. Nothing could really be considered all that kitchen-ish about it other than a counter island with a refrigeration unit under it, and a couple of cabinet units built into the _caman_ on either side of a cooking/sink unit. She ran her hand over the counter top, continually more and more awed by the amount of detail put into everything.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Gira asked, referring to the mosaic across the surface. "We're very lucky that some of our most talented craftspeople survived the war, or so much more would have been lost forever." She ran loving talons over the satin-smooth surface.

Turian hunters, depicted in abstract forms of gold and copper wire, raced across a plain of stone mosaic, chasing down a herd of animals made from scraps of wood and other materials. Minute detailing brought such life to the scene that it felt as though it should vibrate or pulse under her hand. Shepard just shook her head, tracing the antlers of one of the animals, letting out a bemused chuckle.

"I never suspected … . I mean, we live in metal boxes that all look the same. I assumed, when I saw turians living on the Citadel or wherever, that they lived much the same way we do. I just never imagined that such a martial culture would surround themselves with such beauty." She blushed. "I'm sorry, that sounds incredibly ignorant."

Gira took her hand and led her toward a large, wooden table set up in one of the corners. At least, Shepard was pretty sure it was a table. It consisted of a center section surrounded by what looked like trays for each of ten people. The chairs sat lower to the ground than what she was used to, so she had to either tuck her feet off to one side or cross them in front of her when she sat.

Once Shepard settled, Lenka plunked herself down in her lap, and dug into her backpack looking for Jane.

"Garrus said that you enjoy tea?" Gira chuckled, a warm, soothing sound. "I admit I needed to bring someone in to teach me how to make these things. I suppose that we get nearly as closed a view of the galaxy here as it gets of us. We do tend to insulate ourselves quite a lot. Only the volus are very common on Palaven, and most _pergrian_ tend to stay to the urban core."

Shepard moved to stand. "I'm more than happy to make it."

Gira waved her back into her chair. "Please, you can let me know if I have mastered it."

Shepard ran her hand over the intricately woven upholstery that covered the low, very comfortable chair. "This is wonderful." She looked more closely at the shimmer to the cinnamon and cream coloured fabric. "It almost looks like the grass on the highland."

"Yes, its woven from the silk tassels of _purpura_ grass and the _tussat_ flower. Turians are very hard on material and yet, dislike synthetics." Gira set a kettle on the cooktop and chuckled. "We like our creature comforts."

"It's so soft. Feels wonderful." Shepard relaxed into the cylindrical cushions at her back and sides. "If this is where you eat, you must have people fall asleep at the table a lot."

A slight scratching noise drew their attention to a door in the back corner of the room. Gira looked at Lenka. "That's Tulpa. Could you let him in for me?"

Lenka looked to Shepard who nodded, eager to meet the other half of the team who'd helped look for her. The child got up and approached the door like it might attack her, but when she palmed the control and it opened, she let out a high-pitched, delighted giggle and bent down.

"He's so cute."

Gira walked over. "Careful of the spines on his back. Some of those are sharp so always stroke from his head back to his tail. The spines under his chin are very soft, and he loves to be scratched there." She crouched, showing Lenka how and where to touch the animal, then stepped back.

Lenka giggled again and followed the little animal as it trotted over to Shepard. He rubbed the top of his head against her knee.

"He really is cute, isn't he?" Shepard said, scratching under his chin. "Hello there, Tulpa. Thank you for helping look for me."

The _tryllic_ chuffed a little and trotted further into the room, Lenka following close behind.

Gira set a large, eight-sided, glass of tea in front of Shepard, then sat in the next chair, a cup of _amarceru_ on the table before her. She sighed softly and leaned back. "I'm very glad to have the chance to meet you, at last," she said. "I was so excited when Rossus brought home the list of hierarchy nominees, and I saw Garrus's name on it. Partly because I think he will bring a much needed perspective, and partly because it meant you would be spending at least a little time on Palaven."

Shepard smiled, suddenly feeling shy and awkward. "I'm glad to meet you as well. I admit, I was nervous leaving the _Normandy_. Sometimes it seems as though madness follows closer than my shadow." Giving a small, self-admonishing shake of her head, she sighed. "I never gave a second thought to moving here. If Garrus needed to be here, this is where we'd be."

She paused, the last week registering on a solid level for the first time. "Big things, like enemies haunting me or religious cults, never occurred to me, let alone small things like making friends, finding places to shop for food or clothes, and a hundred other little details of life." She shrugged, just a slight lift of her shoulders and flutter of her hands. "Naive to the point of stupidity, I suppose, believing ending the war would make it so I could just go out and live."

"There isn't much available for humans on Palaven right now, but I think you'll find it a welcoming place, despite your unfortunate introduction." She laid her hand on the table, drawing Shepard's attention to it. "This table is 2,148 cycles old." Smiling, she lifted her brow plates and nodded at Shepard's incredulity. "The design was laid into the wood by my grandpapa many generations removed. And, if it was not for you and Garrus, it would have been destroyed."

Shepard leaned up, looking at the scene depicted in different colours and textures of wood inlaid into the dark, almost black background. "What is it?"

"It's an overview of turian life at the time." She pointed to different vignettes as she spoke. "Work, home life, children, sports, war … it's all there."

"It's unbelievable, and priceless." Shepard looked up. "How did it survive?"

"The same way that counter top and all my other pieces, and all of Garrus's legacy, and the legacies of thousands of families survived." She reached out, laying her hand gently over Shepard's.

"The galaxy doesn't see much of turian females even though many of us serve in the military and public sector alongside the males, just as it does not see the millions of males who build, craft, teach, manage and a thousand different occupations. The lack of visibility of these parts of our culture, however, should never be construed as lack of power, influence, and agency. While our warriors and adventurers are out there keeping Palaven safe, there are millions here, preserving who we have been, and who we are."

Shepard took a sip of her tea and gave Gira a nod of approval and thanks in response to her quirked brow plate. "The tea is lovely, thank you."

"When Garrus came home after your incarceration, warning us that the Reapers were on their way, we acted. Unlike the military, we have no arrogance or pride invested in bravado. If there was a threat to our people, we knew we needed to act." She chuckled, a gentle, rolling trill of sound.

After a sip of her _amarceru_ , Gira ran a loving hand over the oiled and polished wood. "In addition to preparing for evacuation and sheltering refugees, we created deep caves down in the driest, warmest part of the cliffs outside every city, and stored all we could. Once the Reapers arrived in orbit, we collapsed the entrances, sealing our legacies within." She cocked her head a little. "At least then, if we were destroyed, those who came after would know a little of what it meant to be turian."

She leaned forward, pressing a hand to Shepard's cheek. "Our culture owes you a great deal, _sorau dulca_."

The door chimed, and she smiled. "Dinner." Gira chuckled. "I didn't trust myself not to poison you with some silly mistake, so I ordered in."


	42. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quiet night for a change? Maybe a little bit sexah against doctor's orders. Some people just don't know how to behave.

**July 16, 2187**

Shepard chuckled and stood, following Gira to the door to help with the food. “I’d have to order in as well, I’m afraid. Another detail of settling down with a turian I haven’t spent enough time considering.” 

Gira took a small crate from the turian at the door and passed it to Shepard. “You’ll be the one with difficulty finding food, at least until the relays are functional again.” 

Shepard carried the crate to the counter, but didn’t set it down. She looked around, hesitant to put it down on the work of art. “Now I’m afraid to touch anything.”

Gira set another crate down and smiled. “If they were so easily damaged, they would have never survived this long.”

Shepard chuckled and set down her container of food. She opened it and looked inside, but didn’t touch, not wanting to mix anything up. Luckily, Gira knew what she was doing and soon had everything laid out. 

Shepard retook the same seat with Lenka sitting on her lap, and Garrus seated on their left. Gira arranged the food on the center part of the table, which turned, saving the need to pass items around. As well, each of the tray sections adjusted in height so she didn’t have to eat feeling like a child at the adult table. 

Once everyone settled with food in front of them, conversation turned around plans to rebuild the city, and the coming process of confirming the new members of the hierarchy.

“You will be scrutinized as carefully as Garrus will be,” Rossus told Shepard.

“Me?” She frowned.

“Only a great fool does not acknowledge that a person’s mate is the single greatest influence on them, whether intentionally or not.” Rossus turned to Gira and reached out to take her wrist lightly in the circle of his talons. “When I joined the hierarchy, I was a headstrong young warrior, rising quickly through the ranks of our military. I had never seen the point of taking a mate. War, patrol, the camaraderie of my brother and sister soldiers was all I needed. My politics thus tended to be far less compassionate than many of my contemporaries.”

Gira lifted her hand, lacing her talons with her mates. “Then my parents decided their headstrong, C-Sec agent needed to aid the family’s ascension up the social ladder.”

Shepard frowned. “But, it’s a meritocracy. How could marrying help you climb upward?” 

Lenka tugged at Shepard’s dress and cast longing glances at the cake, wanting seconds. Shepard cut her a piece.

“In a perfect and equal universe, it would not,” Gira replied, “but of course, we live in neither. We still must work our way up through the tiers of citizenship, but having family in high places makes that ascension easier. So, my parents introduced me to Rossus. Luckily, we loved one another almost instantly.”

“Her view of the galaxy from being in law enforcement, and living out amongst the non-military population greatly influenced my politics, even more so once our children were born.” Rossus sighed. “That you are the epitome of a warrior will work for you; that you are human will make people nervous.” He released his mate’s hand and made a balancing gesture. “That you and Herros are bringing a military academy to Palaven that will mean thousands of aliens living on our homeworld, learning our military techniques from our people, makes people very nervous.” He tipped the balance heavily one way.

Shepard sighed and she nodded. “I understand, but it’s my hope that we can learn to work as a single people, not from force of conquest like the Protheans, but from true cooperation.” She turned to look into Garrus’s eyes. “You don’t think that I’ll hurt his chances of being confirmed, do you?”

Gira shook her head. “No.” She smiled. “Some of the older hierarchs are rumbling, but on the whole, his name is spoken with great promise. Adrien Victus is still a relatively young man, but he is also a man not eager to retain the position as Primarch. Garrus is already being spoken of as the one to replace Victus when he wishes to step aside.”

Garrus cleared his throat and shook his head. “No, thank you.”

Gira just tipped her head gracefully and turned to Shepard. “The _Normandy_ is leaving us tomorrow morning?”

“Yes.” Shepard looked down as Lenka began to wriggle. “You done?”

The child nodded. “May I play with Tulpa?”

Herros stood. “Come on, we’ll get you washed up, then you can see what he’s up to.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Shepard smiled, then let out a soft, sigh, relaxing into her chair. “Thank you so much for dinner. It was wonderful.”

“You’re most welcome. You honour us with your presence.” Gira’s mandibles dropped a little, in what Shepard read as disappointment. “I was hoping to get a chance to show you the dumin being built for you. It’s at the end of the fourth tier, in the same location where Garrus grew up, so will have both a front and rear garden. The plans call for seven bedrooms.”

Shepard paused halfway through a drink of her fruit juice, struggling not to spit it across the table. “Seven?” she gasped, swallowing and sputtering a little. Shooting Garrus a grateful glance as he reached over to rub her back, she gathered her wits.

“Yes.” Gira beamed. “Herros said you may have six children. It seemed best to plan for the future.” She sighed, her eyes sparkling. “It’s going to be a beautiful dwelling. I know Treana would be thrilled to have her legacy alive with the energy and sound of children.”

“Seven,” Shepard whispered. Giving her head a small but vigorous shake, she looked up at Gira. “I’m sure it will be beautiful.”

“There will be ample time for you to see it when you return,” Gira replied. “You will, of course, stay with us until it’s finished?” She looked to Rossus, who chuffed and nodded.

“Of course we will,” Herros answered, leading a cake-free Lenka back into the room. “It would be a great honour.” He gestured to Garrus. “Come, let’s get this food put away.” He passed a bowl to Lenka. When Shepard stood to help, Garrus eased her back down into her chair.

“We’ve got this,” he told her, caressing her cheek with the back of a talon.

“Admiral,” Rossus said, meeting her eyes across the table, “Primarch Victus tells us there is a base on the other end of the new relay? It was run by Cerberus?”

Shepard nodded and shifted forward in her seat. “Unfortunately, Cerberus had a base hidden there for several cycles. The native people have a tremendously adaptable genetic structure that facilitates bonding of cross-species genetic traits.” She shook her head. “The initial research being done there was for things like helping people heal faster or develop the ability to regrow lost limbs, but when the war came along, new people took over the planet and started trying to develop super soldiers.”

“From what he told us, it sounds horrifying,” Gira whispered, her voice tight. 

“What was done to the people being held prisoner there, absolutely. I’ve never seen a worse case of abuse of sapient rights outside the Reapers,” Shepard agreed. She reached out and ran a loving hand down Lenka’s back as the child came to take their plates. “The people themselves, however, are anything but.” 

Smiling, she shook her head. “There is this little hanar/drell composite child who was created by the program. I named her Susie. What a sweetie. Two others were made like her, but they died. When the war ended and Cerberus was defeated, the batarians moved into the base. They conducted months worth of terrible experiments, then just left all the patients locked in their cells to starve and pulled out.”

Tears glistened in Gira’s eyes. “How could anyone treat people that way?”

Shepard made a small, bewildered gesture, her hands just flopping in her lap a little. “I don’t know. It broke my heart to leave Susie there, but she needs far more than we can offer her on the _Normandy_. I asked the Primarch to find some doctors to help, and I’ll continue searching when I get to Earth. Those people who can’t or don’t want to leave deserve the very best of care and the best life we can manage to give them.”

Herros and Garrus finished putting up the food, leaving a neat stack of containers along the counter. Gira smiled and squeezed both their hands in thanks, then got up to put the containers in the refrigeration unit.

“Mommy,” Lenka asked when Tulpa ran past them, scratching at the door to go outside. “May I go with him?”

Shepard hugged her close and kissed her cheek. “Maybe after it gets dark, sweetie. It’s too sunny out there for you right now.”

“When the sun goes down, we’ll go out and you can help Tulpa hunt for _brekna_ in the garden,” Gira confirmed.

“What are _brekna_?” Lenka asked.

“Big bugs,” Garrus said, scooping her up in his arms, nuzzling her until she squealed. “They’re black and shiny and have specks along their backs that glow to lure in their food. _Tryllic_ think they taste like cake.” He set her down and straightened her dress.

Lenka made a face. “Yuck.”

“Not if you’re Tulpa.”

They moved to the couches on the other side of the _caman_ , Rossus and Herros pouring everyone a drink, including an orange soda for Lenka. How they’d managed to find one, Shepard had no idea, but judging by the expressions on their faces, whatever the effort, everyone considered it well spent as the child giggled over every sip.

They talked of easy things as the sun settled toward the horizon. Herros and Rossus played a tactical game involving placing three-sided blocks labeled with specific units, stratagems, abilities, fortifications, heavy weapons and advantages, eventually grinding one another to a deadlock amidst much good-natured teasing. Lenka instructed Gira on the finer points of crayons and their use, while Shepard sat tucked in under Garrus’s arm, watching and feeling completely content.

When the sun set, Gira ushered them out into the back garden, a two-level space surrounded by walls. The lower level contained a shallow pond, and plants grew everywhere, a deceptively riotous jumble of life and beauty.

Gira took Shepard by the elbow and led her to the far end of the garden where a couple of chairs sat under a trio of giant plants with tough-looking, fan-like leaves. Like moonlight shining off a river, each vein in the leaves glowed a shimmering silver-white.

Shepard sat when Gira held out a hand, inviting her to occupy the other seat, and took a long, deep breath. “The garden is so beautiful.” She looked out over the city, but in the darkness before moonrise, only the lights stood out against the inky velvet. Listening, she heard people talking, laughter; somewhere it sounded like a crowd was watching others play a sport--cheering and heckling as points were scored. “I can almost let myself forget there was a war.”

Gira trilled softly, a comforting sound, but just relaxed into her chair, watching Lenka run around the garden. Shepard grinned as the child and her doll followed Tulpa on a hunting expedition into the lower section of the garden where the insects and small creatures haunted the pond.

“So much was lost,” Shepard sighed. She leaned forward, her elbows braced against the arms of the chair. “I’m glad that you were able to save as much as you did. Turians are a remarkable people.”

“Before he and Solana left for the evacuation center, Herros sent all of their family’s memory to the caves.” She sat completely still, her whole manner one of such complete calm and peacefulness that Shepard couldn’t help but be infected by it. “He’s asked that we use the furnishings to complete your home and Solana’s, when she makes one for herself, but there is one crate that I want to send with you. It’s not very large, and contains items that were of significance to Treana. Before she died, I know Tre gave Sol the ones she meant for her, so these were put away for when Garrus came home.” Her eyes reflected the lights from inside, glimmering sparks like tiny spirits floating in the night.

“I know he’d be overjoyed to have them. Garrus really regrets the distance that he allowed to grow between him and his mother.” Shepard sighed and relaxed into her chair. Her eyes drifted closed and she smiled, the much-loved and comforting sound of Garrus’s voice slipping out through the open door. 

“Tre understood. She was angry as well. She hid her illness from Herros as long as she did as much out of spite as anything else at first.” Gira shifted, a faint sigh of fabric and creak of wood. “She understood Herros’s fierce devotion to his work, but when he asked her to move to the Citadel with the children, she always refused.”

Shepard felt the other female’s regard fixed on her, but also felt no need for any discomfort under the scrutiny. “Why was she angry with him?” 

Lenka let out a high-pitched squeal, yanking Shepard from her chair and sent her running over to the path to the lower garden. Her heart slowed, and she grinned as she saw the child leaning toward Tulpa, a wriggling bug captured between her fingers. The _tryllic_ splashed through the shallows and reeds to snatch the insect from her fingers. Lenka giggled happily as the little animal sat on his haunches to munch on his snack. After watching for a moment, Shepard returned to her seat.

“Sorry about that. I’m still a nervous mother, I guess.” Shepard shrugged. “You were saying that Garrus’s mother was angry?”

“She believed that Herros’s work was more important to him than his family. If it wasn’t, he would return home more than he did, if not move home to work for Palaven Internal Forces.” She lifted her hands, a small shrug of helpless sorrow that didn’t make it all the way up her arms. “I think she believed that he had broken their mating bond.”

Shepard flashed back to the things Herros had hissed at Garrus a few nights previous, understanding them in a new light.

“So Tre was just as angry as her son. When he refused to continue along his chosen path and follow his passions, following his father’s instead, she knew that he needed time and life to show him who he was.” She smiled, those elegant mandibles fluttering like the wings of a butterfly. “She was so proud when he joined your crew, said that he had finally broken out of his father’s shadow. She knew it would lead him where he needed to go.” 

Shepard swallowed a hard lump in her throat, thinking of Garrus’s mother alone, sick and feeling betrayed by her mate. “Herros retired as soon as he found out she was sick, though.”

“Yes, and he tried so very hard to make up for the past that she couldn’t stay angry. They reached a good place before she passed.” Gira tucked one leg under her, curling up into the corner of her chair a little. “Every bonded pair has its good cycles and its hard ones. I’m just glad that they ended on a good one.” Her mandibles trembled a little. “As I am that Rossus and I are.”

Shepard took a deep breath as her eyes filled with tears. “He’s been ill a while?”

“Yes. It was hard at first, mostly because it was so difficult for him to go from being strong and vital to needing help to accomplish anything.” She let out a quick puff of air. “But his spirit has always been stronger even than his body, and his mind stronger still. He is making good use of his remaining time.” 

Silence settled between them, Shepard just marvelling at the depth of quiet courage in the other woman, and the courage shown by Garrus’s mother. Somehow it seemed deeper and more real than anything she’d ever shown.

Gira turned to lean across the arm of her chair. “I would like to return with you to Pertexa, Jane. Rossus will no doubt wish to come as well.”

Sighing, Shepard nodded. “Is he well enough? We have an excellent doctor, but I would hate for it to put too great a strain on him.” She leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. “Why do you want to come?”

“Although there will be a team of doctors, I feel as though there needs to be civilian oversight. I’m sure you’ve seen how quickly a fascinating condition or case becomes a study, then somehow turns into experimentation and trial.” Gira let out a rude sort of huff-snort, and brushed the back of her talons along her mandible.

Shepard nodded. “Yes, and I want them to be able to live there without fear of being lab animals again. What I’d really like is to take apart the cell block, dormitory, and transport hangar to build apartments, real homes for the patients who stay there. It’s a long-term goal, but if they have to spend the rest of their lives in a hospital environment, they may as well be prisoners.”

“I think I will be able to help the people there,” the turian said, her voice soft. “I have considerable power in several circles, and believe I could do some good.”

“Okay, if you believe that Rossus can handle to strain of being aboard a frigate for three weeks and then on a transport for nearly four coming back, you’re both more than welcome to return with us.” Shepard tried not to jump too quickly on the idea, as much as she liked the thought of someone in charge with no agenda other than the patients’ well being. Rossus’s fragility worried her, even though she knew she could count on Herros to be there to ease things for his friends.

“Mommy!” Lenka came running up with a speckly, glowing bug in either hand. “Tulpa says he’s full.”

Shepard chuckled and pulled the child in against her, leaning down to look at the _breknas_. “They’re kind of cool, aren’t they? I guess if Tulpa’s full, it’s these guys’ lucky night, isn’t it?” She kissed her daughter’s brow, and sent her on her way with a gentle swat to the butt. “Go set them free where you found them, baby.”

“She’s a wonderful child.” Gira’s smile seemed lonely as Shepard turned to look at her, and suddenly, she was glad to be taking the female along with them. She seemed to need both companionship and something other than her dying mate to focus on.

“Yes, she’s amazing. Fell in love the moment I saw her cringing inside a crate on that derelict ship.”

Garrus appeared in the door. As he stepped out, he looked up, stretching and taking in deep breaths of the fresh, evening air. “I forgot how amazing the _rylamia_ smells this time of year.” He walked over to a low, prickly sort of shrub covered in tiny white star-like blossoms.

“It’s almost ready to pick for tea,” Gira said, smiling at the wanton purr that came from Garrus’s throat. Looking over at Shepard, she chuckled. “There is little in the universe as decadently sublime as _rylamia_ tea.”

Shepard stood as Garrus stepped beside her, nodding for him to take her seat, then settled on his lap. Somewhere in the distance, the noise over the sporting event grew to a roar.

“Sounds like they’re having fun,” Shepard chuckled, letting that feeling burrow deep down inside. Sometimes it became all too easy to focus on everything lost rather than the things saved. “Can you tell what they’re playing?”

He listened for a second, then laughed. “Yeah, Palaven’s dirty little secret.”

Gira joined him, her softer chuckle perfectly harmonized to his.

Shepard shrugged. “What?”

“They’re playing basketball.” He nodded and laughed at her incredulous expression. “If they saw a human over there, I’m sure they’d try to make it look as though they were doing anything else, but yeah, basketball is huge on turian worlds. Has been since Shanxi.”

Grinning, Shepard curled in against him, forgetting the no contact edict. “Makes sense, I suppose. You’re better jumpers and runners than we are. Not sure how Ash would feel about that.”

Garrus wrapped his arms around her. “She’d stare at me with that ‘laser burning through my skull’ expression, then curse and punch me, but I think she’d enjoy the irony.”

Lenka ran up again. “I let them go, Mommy.” The child yawned.

“You getting tired, baby?” Shepard laughed as Lenka shook her head. “Yeah, I know. No one ever wants the party to end.” She turned to look into Garrus’s eyes. “Gira and Rossus would like to join us on the trip back to Pertexa, so we should probably let them prepare.”

He frowned a little, mandibles and brow plates dropping, but he nodded. “Yeah, and the munchkin needs to hit the rack too.” 

Shepard stood, reaching for Gira’s hands when the female unfolded from her chair. “Thank you so much for this evening. It’s been unbelievably wonderful to just breathe for a little.”

Gira pulled her into a gentle embrace. “I’m glad we’ll have a few weeks to get to know one another better.”

Shepard smiled. “I’m glad of it too.” She held out her hand to Lenka. “Come on, sleepy head.”

Lenka let out a soft whine, but took Shepard’s hand, following them inside without protest.

Herros decided to stay with his friends to help them prepare for the trip, so Garrus, Shepard and Lenka boarded the shuttle for the ride back to the _Normandy_. Before it was even ready to take off, Lenka fell asleep curled in against Shepard’s side. They said little on the return trip, just holding each other. 

If that was normal life, Shepard decided, she was completely okay with it.

Garrus picked up the sleeping batarian and carried her up to their quarters, setting her down on wobbly legs next to her couch. 

Shepard undressed the sleepy child, quickly tugging her old t-shirt over Lenka’s head. “Okay, baby, lay down.”

Mumbled half-protests fell from the child’s mouth as she tilted into Shepard, wrapping her skinny little arms around her mother’s neck. “Don wan sle . . ..”

Shepard chuckled and picked her up, laying her down on the couch, her little head on the pillow. “You’ve had a big day, sweetie. Finally got off the ship and made some new friends. You even played outside. It’s been a good day.”

Lenka smiled and mumbled something else, but then she faded into slumber. Shepard kissed her temple. “Sleep well, precious girl.”

A warm hand stroked down the length of her spine as she straightened. A gentle sigh whispered from her lips, and she turned, capturing Garrus’s hand before he could pull away.

“Come with me,” she said, tugging on his arm, leading him up to the bathroom.

“What are we doing in here?” he asked as she lowered the lights. “You need a shower?”

Shepard shook her head as she stood with her back to the vanity. Running her fingers up the front of his tunic, she undid the fasteners, laying the material open as she reached the base of his neck. Leaning in, she kissed the border of where carapace became hide, teasing the groove at the base of his throat.

“Shepard . . ..” He slipped his hands up her arms, grasping her shoulders gently, thumbs brushing along her collar bones.

“I’m breaking no rules,” she whispered and smiled, looking up at him from under nearly closed eyelids. She ran her lower lip between her teeth, then slid her hands up his chest, raising them above her head.

He let out a sigh that turned into a warm chuckle. “You’re a terrible tease.” Grasping her dress just under her arms, he lifted it slowly, the butter smooth satin seeming to cover every inch of her in alternately cool and warm kisses. Shepard closed her eye as her skin raised into gooseflesh, soft moans of sheer, animal pleasure escaping her lips.

Garrus chuckled. “Do you two want to be alone?”

“Mmmmm, yes please.” Shepard grinned, then opened her eyes, her head tilting off to the side. “All this baby new skin has the occasional perk.” Once he lifted the dress clear, she lowered her hands to push his tunic off his shoulders. 

“You’re not supposed to be coming in contact with my plates, Shepard.” Nevertheless, he reached behind and tugged his tunic off his hands, before throwing it on the vanity behind her.

She nodded and ran her fingertips along their lines. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to admire them.” Hooking her thumbs into the waist of her panties, she pushed them down, stepping out of them when they fell to the floor. Resting her hands on his shoulders, she tilted her head back toward the vanity. 

“Give a girl a lift?”

He grumbled a little under his breath, then clasped his hands around her waist. “You better help, or I’m going to get yelled at tomorrow for the hand prints on your ribs.” 

Shepard nodded, and hopped as he lifted, settling herself on the cold, metal surface. She shivered and chuckled. “Damn, that’s cold.” Sighing, she slipped her hands up to cradle his face. “Make love to me?” she whispered after a moment. 

Garrus ran the pad of his first talon down her neck, tracing the fading lines of a scar. He skimmed from that one to another, following it down over her breast. “Even here,” he whispered, his voice soft and sad. He leaned down, just touching his mouth to each nipple, his tongue rolling gently around and over them. 

Shepard closed her eyes, channeling all the nerve endings in her body that screamed to be touched into a tight focus on that warm, wet, delicious contact. Her head lolled back, and she arched up into him, a taut bow drawn back tighter and tighter as her nipples peaked hard. He caressed them with the upper plate of his mouth, and she moaned softly, knowing he was savouring their velvet softness with that melting chocolate intensity of his. 

“Turians and their tactile fetish for soft things . . ..” she whispered, reaching up to stroke his fringe, gently tickling the spaces between, rubbing stronger circles beneath where crest met the plates up the back of his neck, knuckles rolling in small circles along the underside, paying attention to the places that made him moan and his whole body undulate in slow waves of pleasure.

“What about them?” he whispered. His tongue curled around one nipple, tugging ever so softly.

Her hips bucked, his nimble, talented tongue drawing a long, heavy moan from her throat as her core pulsed. A deep tingle spread through her belly as her body began its first, gentle demands to embrace his. “Thank God for them,” she whispered.

He pulled away, and she heard him drawing the air over his teeth as he breathed in. Feeling his breath on her face, Shepard opened her eyes to discover his nose a finger’s width away from hers. She pulled back just enough to be able to focus on his eyes, a slow, teasing smile spreading across her lips as he stared her down, his expression one of expecting confrontation.

“What’s up?” she asked, skimming a hand down his stomach. He pushed it aside before she could find if he was indeed up. A giddy little chuckle escaped her, and she tugged on her bottom lip, running it between her teeth.

He leaned in, pressing his mouth to hers. “If I can only touch you in a couple of places, I intend to do a thorough job of it.”

Shepard’s eyes widened, and she shook her head. “No. We’ve talked about this, it’s not worth the risk, love. God, no.” She took his face between both hands. “We can’t know that you wouldn’t end up swallowing or something.” Leaning in, she returned his kiss, then whispered against his mouth, “We can just wait.”

“I’ll be careful.” His tongue teased her lips. “We . . . what is the charming phrase James uses? . . . swap spit all the time.”

Shepard grumbled and shook her head. “Yes, charming phrase.” She pressed her brow to his. “I don’t think it’s worth the risk, Garrus.”

He just nodded and reached behind her to grab his tunic. He folded it into a pad, dropping it onto the metal floor to cushion his knees. Kneeling between her legs, he rested his hands, warm and gentle, on her thighs, up close to her body. He leaned in and nuzzled her stomach, his hands stroking the insides of her thighs, then down her calves and back up, the pressure firm, his fingers kneading the muscles or pausing to rub slow circles where the bones pressed against the skin. His tongue flicked out, making her stomach muscles jump.

“Garrus . . ..” Fear grabbed her heart and thumped it against her chest wall over and over. “It’s so not worth the risk of losing you.”

“Shepard,” he said, his voice soft but firm, “stop arguing with me.” He pulled back and looked up at her.

She laid her hands on his head and met his eyes. “Yes, Garrus.” She could refuse, pull the pyjak card. Her mouth opened to say it, but then she just let out a long sigh and caressed his face, unable to deny him anything. Surely, if anything went wrong, Dr. Chakwas was only minutes away. Still, her gut trembled.

Garrus’s mandibles fluttered, and he turned his head to nuzzle the inside of her thigh. He caressed the skin with his cheek and mouth, moaning low and soft as he followed his hands as far as her knee. He pulled in a long breath and nipped the inside of her knee. “Damn, woman, you are an addiction.” Looking up again, he gave her a little tilt of his chin. “Close your eyes, lean back and just breathe.”

Shepard did as he asked, laying her head back, closing her eyes. She gasped, her skin lifting into gooseflesh as the pads of his talons caressed the hollow beneath her ear. His thumb traced the curve of it, then he raked his talons down her neck, the edges leaving thin trails of molten heat in their wake. It flowed like magma through her veins to settle deep in her core. 

He nuzzled his way back up the inside of her thigh, his tongue flicking out, teasing her until her entire body felt as though it had been hooked directly into the ship’s power grid. 

“Breathe long and slow,” he whispered, blowing a soft trail of air along the inside of her thigh. 

She gasped and arched off the counter as his breath stirred the hairs at her center. Every sensation sharpened to pinprick intensity as she waited, his thumbs gently brushing the insides of her thighs just shy of touching her. She felt him as clearly as she could have seen him, aware of every breath, every subtle sound of material shifting or hide and plate moving against one another. He glowed warm and deep like a low sun shimmering between heavy twilight clouds, and it struck her anew how beautiful and powerful he was.

His thumbs stroked along the crease of her thigh, pressing in and out gently, opening her ever so slightly, and her hips lifted into his touch. It vanished, pulling a soft moan of disappointment from her. A moment later, his hands closed around her ankles.

“Stay still and behave yourself.” He chuckled at the frustrated sigh that escaped before she could close her lips around it. Still, his hands slipped up the underside of her thighs, thumb talons drawing lazy circles in her flesh. It took every ounce of self control to keep herself still, her body begging to move against him, to open itself to him as he nuzzled her belly, his chin brushing her. 

Behind her eyelids she could see his eyes closing, his mandibles fluttering with equal parts emotion and lust as he teased. She released out a long breath and let herself dive into the contact like a swimmer leaping into a cool, deep pool. His thumbs returned to her core, opening her, the air chill then warm as he exhaled, so close, but not touching. 

Every nerve strained, her muscles tensing, trembling in anticipation even as her heart raced and her mind screamed that nothing was worth risking his health. A talon brushed her center, just barely touching her most sensitive spot, reminding her to get out of her head. Of course he knew. Infuriating. And wonderful. She smiled and bit down on her lip, forcing her body to stay still even as he barely brushed her again. Heat roared to life deep in her belly, and she heard his rough, lusty intake of breath as her body reacted to him. 

The heat roamed, spreading out to her hips and down her thighs, but then he touched her, and it honed in on the contact, burning almost as hot as the Palaven sun. When he finally tasted her, the touch made her think of a thirsty man bending to drink at an oasis, half-terrified that the water will disappear into the sand. The moan that followed it did nothing to shatter the image. She struggled not to move as his cheek pressed into her thigh.

“Spirits,” he sighed, reaching up to caress her cheek. “You’ve been holding out on me.” He pressed against her thigh for another moment, then both hands wrapped around her waist, pulling her into him.

Shepard gasped, her body breaking free of her control as he began exploring as thoroughly and fervently as he had once acquainted himself with her using eyes and talons. Sliding down into the rabbit’s hole of sensation, she rode the waves of ecstasy until they threatened to engulf her, and all she could do was beg in soft gibberish. Strung so tight, her muscles cramped and spasmed, jumping like living creatures under her skin, the pain of staying still and fighting her orgasm threw her back into that place of complete calm.

And then he was there with her, his mouth pressed to hers as he entered her, their bodies touching only in those two places, and yet completely connected, every nerve, every sensation, every emotion finding its perfect counterpoint in the other.

“Shepard . . .,” he whispered, his voice husky and tight with need above the deep rolling of his subvocals.

She tossed Dr. Chakwas’s concerns aside and wrapped herself around him, kissing him with heady passion, her lips open and breathless, her tongue playing along his as her hands wandered over him, seeking out all the places that made him gasp and call out with pleasure. 

After a few moments, he pulled back, her face cradled between his hands, his eyes locked on hers. “Come for me,” he said, holding her there, his stare commanding hers as her body obeyed, the first wave of pleasure seizing her so tight she cried out. He softened her cries, pressing his mouth to hers. She gasped, her cries fading to whimpers as all her taut and exhausted muscles tied themselves into knots that seemed to never want to ease. 

When the spasm relaxed into soft, rolling waves, she tightened herself around him. 

She smiled and licked his chin. “Now you come for me.” She kissed him, sucking gently on his tongue. A half breath later, he clung to her, gasping breathlessly. Spent, he didn’t withdraw, rather, he pressed into her, wrapping his long arms tight around her, pressing her along his length.

“Okay,” he said, panting into her ear, “there’s no going back from that, Shepard. Damn. I can’t believe I’ve let you talk me out of that for so long.”

She chuckled, blushing. “So I guess I don’t taste too terrible, then?”

“Rylamia tea hasn’t got anything on you.”

She chuckled and shook her head, reaching up to stroke his fringe. “You’re impossible. Now, let me down so I can have a quick shower.” 

He stepped back and helped her slide to the floor.

Shepard showered quickly and dried off, but instead of leaving the washroom, she turned to where he was just finishing up brushing his teeth, and wrapped her arms around him. Ignoring his noises of protest, she pressed along his length, laying her head against his chest. She took a long, shaky breath and just held him.

“What’s going on?” he asked, slipping his arms around her.

She shook her head, blinking away the slow tears that crept from the outside corners of her eyes. No words found their way to her mouth to explain the sudden rush of everything she felt. The depth and breadth of what he meant to her. How lost she’d be without him. How much she loved the shape of their future, and how much hard road she felt waiting between. That her soul only ever felt any peace or forgiveness in his arms. So, she just shook her head and clung to him.

Garrus nodded. “Yeah.” He rubbed her back in slow, gentle circles. “Come to bed. We might have some pillows between us, but I need you in my arms again.” He chuckled when she didn’t release him and touched his mouth to her brow. “You know that you’re everything,” he whispered, tightening his arms around her. “One day I’ll be able to tell you how airless it was without you, but right now I just want to get into bed and wrap myself around you.”

Shepard pulled back far enough to tilt her head up to kiss him. “Okay.” She held his hand in hers and led him down to the bed.


	43. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Return to Pertexa.

**August 10, 2187**

Shepard stood as the shuttle settled to the ground just outside the compound on Pertexa. She looked over at Gira and Dr. Chakwas, who sat talking in hushed voices. A moment after her stare landed on them, they stopped and turned to her. The three turian physicians hadn’t taken their eyes off Shepard from the moment she’d welcomed them aboard. She shuddered as a shiver ran up her spine, but clenched her jaw and shook it off.

_You’d better have screened the crap out of them for Apostle ties, Adrien._

“We’ll go in ahead and secure the base,” Shepard told them. “The squad of guards from the fleet are already on the ground, so it should only take a moment. Stay on the shuttle until I send word to come ahead.” She looked over at Tali. “Stay with them. Keep your eyes open.”

The quarian admiral gave a quick, confident nod.

Shepard glanced at Garrus and James, but they fell in at her four and eight before she could say anything. As soon as Steve cut the thrusters, Shepard popped the hatch, and froze.

Something was wrong. She felt it like a hand pushing at the back of her head. Fingers thrusting at senses too numb to register anything but pressure. She shook that nonsense off. Something very real felt off, pricking her every nerve with pins and needles.

“It’s too quiet,” she said, her heart racing. The forest stood dead silent. She knew Garrus felt it as well by the way he pressed up tight in behind her, reaching up for his Mattock. Dropping the half-metre to the ground, Shepard grabbed her pistol off her hip.

“Tali, stay frosty. Steve, Doc . . . grab your sidearms. Close up the shuttle.” Not waiting for confirmation, Shepard lifted into a slow jog, her eyes and pistol sweeping across the environment constantly as they closed in on the gate. The first gunshot cracked the air--an axe through dry wood--and sank like claws into her skull. 

“Damn!” Shepard ran to the locking control, opened her omni-tool, and keyed in her code. Three more shots echoed through the compound, muffled enough to have come from inside. Shepard hit the gate control and brought her pistol up to low ready. 

Without needing to be told, Garrus and James moved to cover on either side. 

Shepard stepped through, taking in the garden area in one quick sweep. Empty. She jogged through, headed for the front door. A rapid exchange of fire greeted her as she pressed against the door jam and palmed the control. The claws in her skull slid down to wrap around her spinal cord, squeezing and twisting, sending blinding white splinters of pain tearing through her head and down her back. Fury, like a live thing, roared behind it, screaming along every nerve.

“Shepard?” Garrus called.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m here. Go ahead.” She sucked in a deep, wavering breath and gave her head a good, hard shake.

Garrus ducked through first and jogged low up to the first office door where he took cover. Shepard followed him in, crouching behind the reception desk. The first body, one of the asari, sat slumped over her work, her hot drink still steaming.

_“Should have just shot me when you found me, huh?”_

Fear froze Shepard’s blood as the asari’s eyes twitched to her, then back. The reaction lasted a heartbeat before the rage roared in behind it again She reached out, checking for a pulse, certain that those eyes glanced at her again, but no. No. Dead. 

“Madre de Dios, what the hell is going on here?” James whispered, his voice high and tight.

Shepard shuddered and threw herself out of cover, jogging forward, staying low, letting Garrus and James clear the offices as she moved toward the exam room at the end of the hall. Two more patients lay sprawled along her path, taken out by shots to the head. When they each glanced at her, she pressed her eyes closed and ran faster. 

Fear and fury reaching a full boil, Shepard pressed against the casement next to the exam room door. She’d brought the turians there to protect the patients, not gun them down. Swallowing that thought, she palmed the control. 

“Breathe, Shepard. You’ve got to stay cool until you know exactly what’s going on.” She took a deep breath, fighting down the nettles in her brain, forcing herself to stay calm.

“This is Admiral Jane Shepard of the Alliance Navy,” she called from her cover. “I am in charge of this facility and order you to lay down your guns.”

A clatter of weapons hitting the floor greeted her demand. She nodded for Garrus to take her position and cover her as she swung out, pistol proceeding her into the room.

A squad of turians in full armor stood a couple metres to Shepard’s right, their hands all held out away from their bodies. The body of Dr. Wright lay two metres ahead of her. Staying on the balls of her feet, Shepard slipped over to bend down and check the woman’s pulse. Dead, but only for a few moments. Blessedly, her eyes were shut.

“What in the name of bloody fuck happened here?” Shepard demanded, standing and facing the turians. “Who is ranking officer?”

One stepped forward and snapped a crisp salute. “Admiral Shepard. We entered the gate, heard a gunshot as we approached the entrance, so proceeded immediately inside, and found an asari slumped over her desk. Two more shots from down the hall, then that women stepped out of an office and opened fire on us. We followed her in here, and opened fire when she wouldn’t stand down.”

“Dr. Wright just started shooting?” Shepard scowled and turned to look at the body. Slowly, in her peripheral vision, absolute horror bloomed. Shattered glass. Water still dripping onto the floor. A tiny body lying half in and half out of the tank. A bucket of ice water splashed over her, shattering the fury into a thousand grains of sand, leaving just the terror.

“No!” The scream tore from her, and she leaped forward. Somewhere, a thousand miles away, she heard Garrus call for Dr. Chakwas.

“No. No, no, no, no. Not you too, baby girl.” She lifted Susie in gentle arms, careful not to pull her across the jagged glass. “Someone help me lift her!” 

Hands appeared, gathering the cluster of short tentacles and lifting them clear.

Shepard cradled the bleeding form in her arms and ran over to the nearest exam table. Blood and air bubbled from a hole in the child’s chest as Shepard laid her down. A weak, gurgling mewl escaped the tiny, defined lips, dragging a moan of denial from Shepard’s.

“Okay, baby, hold on,” Shepard said softly. “I’ve got you.” She pressed her hand down hard enough to seal the wound. “Someone! Plastic.” When nothing appeared, she snapped her fingers, impatient. “Come on! A ration wrapper, anything.”

_“One more sacrifice, Shepard? Too bad this one is not simply part of your vessel--a convenient tool.”_

Someone shoved a small, clear bag into her hand and she spread it over the wound, hands trembling so hard that she could barely hang onto it. Before she could say anything, a towel dried the area around the bag and talons taped it down.

Shepard stroked the child's head and pressed her ear to the little chest. "Come on, Susie. Breathe for me, baby." She could hear a heartbeat, but no breath sounds.

"Oh come on, baby. Don't do this to me." She stroked the tiny head, trying to figure out how to help her. "What do I do? What do I do? Dr. Chakwas said she can breathe outside of water for a while. Artificial respiration." She pinched Susie's nose shut. Now what? She looked up at the face hovering across from her. "Will it just come out her gills? Damn it!"

_“Do something, Siha. Or watch her die as you stood by and watched me die.”_

She nodded. "Press your hands over her gills, just in case." When hands moved in to do as she asked, she tilted Susie's head back and opened her mouth. Two small breaths.

“Got a mask, Shepard,” James told her, pushing it in to cover the child’s nose and mouth. He squeezed the bag, sending small puffs of air into her lungs.

“Come on, baby,” Shepard crooned, stroking Susie’s head. “Give me a sign here.” The big eyes fluttered a little, and Shepard let out a phlegmy sigh. “There you are.” She smiled and blinked back the tears as her heart started beating again. “Hey there, beautiful.”

Dr. Chakwas and the medical team raced in, pushing Shepard out of the way. She backed up, lifting her hands to look at the blood soaking them. Staring at them, not able to fully register even what she saw, Shepard just kept backing away from the table until a strong arm wrapped around her.

“They’ve got her, Shepard.”

She looked up at Garrus, her face screwing into a disbelieving frown, the whole world seeming to fall away from her for a moment. “What the hell?” She leaned into him as his arm tightened around her. She hugged her arms tight around herself, rocking against him.

“We’re losing her,” Dr. Chakwas called out, in the low, husky demand for action that Shepard knew all too well. “Someone find the damned defibrillator, and get me adrenaline for a twenty kilo child. The meds are all in that cabinet” She stabbed a finger in the right direction, then glanced over her shoulder at Shepard. “Get everyone out of here, Admiral.”

Shepard took a deep breath, clenched her jaw and squared her shoulders. Right. She needed to move. Keep moving. 

“Everyone into the reception area.” She looked to Garrus and James, noting that Tali and Steve had accompanied the doctors. “You four, secure the area. Make sure no one else is wounded and needing medical attention.”

Spinning on the ball of her foot, Shepard practically chased the turian guards out the door. Just outside the exam room, she found Gira standing pressed against the wall, and stopped to gather her in against her side. Holding the older female around the shoulders, Shepard led her to the front room and sat her down on one of the benches where she wouldn’t be able to see the dead asari.

“Okay, what in the name of God . . .?” Shepard moved to run a hand over her bristly hair, stopping when she saw the blood again. Her gaze homed in on the turian officer and she opened her mouth to start questioning him, but then she saw Susie’s blood all over his hands and bit off her angry tirade so quickly that she caught the end of her tongue between her teeth. Instead, she took a long breath and forced her shoulders to relax.

“Okay.” She started again. “Hit me with this again.” Closing her eyes, Shepard tried to force a wall up between herself and the mewling sound that Susie made. She’d left her with a mad woman whom she knew better than to trust. 

_“What the hell, Skipper? You just can’t stop getting people killed, can you?”_

No. She took a deep breath and forced herself to let it out slowly, focusing instead on the turian officer’s voice.

“Name’s Lieutenant Aldan Ghyrus, Admiral.”

She opened her eyes, staring into the lieutenant’s almost violet ones. “Go ahead, LT. What happened here?”

The soldier stood at parade rest, hands clasped behind his back. “We arrived at the front gate and heard screaming from inside. Angry, garbled screaming.” He shuddered. “I’d never heard absolute madness before today, ma’am.” He straightened again, and took a deep breath. 

“When we entered the building, it got louder, but we couldn’t understand anything the woman said. The asari was dead at her desk. Two more shots, then the woman appeared at the end of the hall.” He shook his head, just a slight tremor back and forth. 

“She screamed at us, gibberish about something whispering and needing to kill all the whispering, then she opened fire. By the time we returned fire, she ran inside the door to the back room.”

“Shepard.” 

The admiral jumped at the sound of Garrus’s voice, her heart leaping into her throat. 

“Ma’am?” Ghyrus stepped forward and reached out to touch her shoulder, but she winced away from him.

“No, I’m fine.” She held up her hands, scowling with enough force to back him off. She’d heard Garrus. Not some phantom voice, Garrus.

“Shepard?” Garrus called again.

She held a finger up to halt Ghyrus’s query and lifted two fingers to her ear. “Garrus?”

“We have three dorm rooms full of bodies. Almost all of them were patients too weak or crippled to get out of bed. Most were shot in the head. Looks like our doctor started killing before the guard squad arrived.”

“Any survivors?” She knew the answer before she asked. Head shots didn’t leave a lot of room for hope.

“In the rooms Dr. Wright didn’t get to. It looks like the turians arrived and pulled her to the front of the building. I think if they hadn’t arrived when they did, there wouldn’t be anyone left alive.” He sighed. “Sorry, Shepard.”

“Yeah.” She sighed. “Yeah, thanks, Garrus. Shepard out.” She raised weary eyes to look at the lieutenant. “Sorry, about that. Continue.” She backed up against the wall, leaning on a hip, her arms crossed over her chest. 

He nodded. “We took cover by the door, opened it, and she fired on us. We fired back, and she went down.”

“The single shot was the first you heard?” Shepard straightened. The claws in her spine loosened, allowing her to take a full breath at last.

He nodded, his eyes wary as he studied her. “Yes, why? If you don’t mind me asking . . .?”

Sighing heavily, Shepard shook her head then turned to Gira. “I’ll be right back.” When the turian nodded, Shepard looked up at the squad of young male and female turians. “Someone get this lady a drink of water, please? The galley is back there.” She pointed. 

When one moved to do as she asked, Shepard looked back to Ghyrus and crooked a finger. “Relax and fall in, LT. I’m not going to bite you. The rest of you wait here. If the lady needs anything, she gets it.” They saluted as a unit.

Letting out a long sigh, Shepard headed back to the exam room, skirting the table where the doctors were all working on Susie’s tiny form. When she and Ghyrus stepped through the door into the dormitory, the smell of terror and death smacked her in the face. She knew the lieutenant smelled and felt it as well. The acrid stench of spent heatsinks, urine, feces . . ..

She glanced over at Ghyrus. “Thanks for your help with Susie.”

He gave her a brisk nod, then cleared his throat. “I’m fairly sure she wasn’t friendly fire, ma’am. The crazy woman wasn’t anywhere over near that tank.”

Shepard stepped into one of the open doorways and looked in at the bodies lying in their beds. “No, LT, it wasn’t your people.”

The turian stepped into the doorway at her side and let out a strangled curse. “Did she get everyone?”

Shepard shook her head. “No. She only got through three rooms before you arrived and drew her away.” She reached out, grasping his arm. “Your timely arrival saved a lot of people.” She jerked her head back out toward the hall. “Come on, let’s get the dead tended to so we can focus on the living.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Garrus stepped out of a room just down the hall. As the door closed behind him, Shepard heard overlapping sounds of terrified crying. His shoulders dropped in a long sigh, aging ten years in front of her. When he looked up, though, he squared his shoulders and strong, resolute strides carried him to her side.

“Garrus, this is Lt. Aldan Ghyrus. He’s in charge of the guard squad. LT., this is Hierarch Garrus Vakarian.”

The two men shook hands.

“It’s an honour, sir,” Ghyrus said. “I just wished we’d gotten here sooner.”

Garrus shook his head. “You got here in time for most of these people.” He clapped the young turian on the shoulder. “Sorry that body disposal is your squad’s first duty here.”

Ghyrus shrugged. “Our first duty here was stopping that crazy woman from murdering everyone. My second was helping save that child. It balances.” He clasped his hands behind him, standing at ease--relaxed, in control and proud.

Shepard gave him a sad, weary smile. “Yeah, it does, at that.” She looked to Garrus. “Can you see to getting this place settled? I’ve got to go sit with Gira for a moment, then start trying to figure out what happened.”

Garrus held her eyes for a moment, asking silently if she was okay.

“Yeah. It’s all good,” she said, pressing her lips together in a slight smile.

He nodded, then jerked his chin toward the door. “Come on, lieutenant. Let’s get this house in order.”

“Yes, sir.”

Shepard answered the lieutenant’s salute, then watched them stride down the hall, Garrus asking him about his squad’s number and makeup.

She followed a moment later, pausing for a moment inside the exam room door, watching Dr. Chakwas preparing a shallow tank of water for Susie. “Doc?”

“She’s alive, Shepard. It’ll be touch and go for a day or two, but she’s stable for now. We’ve just got to get her back in water and keep it circulating over her gills.” The doctor added drops of something, then turned on a heating coil under the tank. “Thank goodness she can breathe outside water for a time.”

Shepard stepped closer, watching the team transferred the little, still form into the tank. She clenched her jaw against the guilt and sorrow, the claws tightening again as she watched the child floating on her back. Dr. Chakwas turned on another machine. The shallow water flowed in a gentle current. After a moment, during which all the doctors seemed to hold their breath, Susie’s gills began to flutter. They let out a collective sigh.

“Well, that’s a good sign,” Karin said, looking up at Shepard with a grim smile. “I’ll keep you up to date, Admiral.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Shepard backed toward the door, not taking her eyes off the child until she passed into the hallway to the reception area. Glad to see the bodies gone, she walked into the waiting room and sank into the seat next to Gira.

“I do not envy your life, Jane,” the female said, her voice soft and sorrowful. “Was Karin able to save the child?”

Jane reached over and took Gira’s hand. “Yeah. Susie is stable for now.” Shepard leaned her head back, thudding into the wall hard enough to sting. “Damn, I knew better than to leave Wright in charge.”

“Did you have anyone else?” Gira’s voice remained soft, her subvocals purring with a comforting thrum that eased Shepard down into her chair.

Turning to glare at her friend, Shepard let out a sharp bark of a chuckle. “There you go again with your logic.” She cocked an eyebrow. “And it’s totally not fair that you turians can all do that ‘calm down’ thing with your voices. Completely manipulative.” Still the claws released her completely, and she let out a long, throaty moan of relief as the pain receded to a dull roar.

Gira squeezed Shepard’s hand. “Sorry to interfere with your guilt. Continue.”

“No, you’re right. Sending so many back to Earth with the other patients and _Albatross_ , I didn’t really have any options.” She frowned and almost ran her hand over her hair again, stuttering to a stop, her hand falling to her lap, forgotten as her mind moved on. “It doesn’t make sense. She was stable, repentant. Why would she do this?”

“Asking the air will do little good, unless you have abilities you have not acquainted me with.” Gira took a deep breath. “Are there survivors who need to be cared for?”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah, and a lot of them are understandably upset. Hell, I don’t even know if they’ve eaten or been looked after.” She shoved herself to her feet. “You up to getting your hands dirty?”

Gira stood and gave her a determined nod, her mandibles pulled in tight against her face. “Lead on, Admiral.”

For the next three hours, Shepard helped get the patients squared away and calmed down, spending as much time comforting as she could with so much to get done. The turian guards . . .. Shepard didn’t think Adrien could have chosen better if he tried. As soon as the bodies were laid to rest, they dug straight in, cleaning, cooking, and anything else that needed to be done, right down to helping bathe and feed patients.

Once things settled down, and the new staff had time to move in and adjust after their crash familiarization with the facility, Shepard headed to her office in the front. She needed to go through the video surveillance and logs, try to figure out what happened. 

Sitting behind her desk, she unlocked her terminal and access to the camera footage. When she had installed the cameras, she’d thought to be watching for signs that experiments continued, not for the reason the head researcher went on a killing spree. 

“So, I heard there was an Admiral Jane Shepard in charge of this facility. Any idea where I could find her?”

A wide smile broke across Shepard’s face at the familiar, rough, smokey voice, and she jumped up, striding around the desk to embrace the Primarch. “Adrien! I didn’t think we’d see you down here.”

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her for a moment, before pulling back, gripping her by the shoulders. “You look good. Better than I thought from the damned QEC.”

She ran a hand over the stubble on her head. “Yeah, almost back to normal.” She reached up to touch his cheek before pulling away. “It’s so good to see you. What are you doing down here?”

He chuckled and released her. “I needed to get off that damned ship. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a few square metres of metal for years instead of months.” He leaned back, cocking a hip and crossing his arms. “Ghyrus radioed up and told us what they walked into, so I came down to get an eyes-on, see if there was anything I could do.” He nodded toward the hall. “Give me the tour?”

“Sure.” She held her arm out toward the hall. “I don’t suppose you have a small army of people willing to stare at a couple of months of surveillance footage, do you?”

He chuckled as he fell in step beside her. “It just so happens that if it means getting off ships and being anywhere else at all, I could probably find enough for them to each take a minute of the footage to analyze.”

Shepard chuckled, but she knew the truth behind those words. “How many people do you have up there?”

“Way too many to send down on leave. Yet, not nearly enough.” When he sighed, she saw the weight hanging over him. “Over 136,000 bodies left breathing, packed in so tight that you need a crowbar to get through the corridors. I’m amazed we don’t have people slaughtering each other over the lines outside the washrooms.”

“It’s been a rough year,” Shepard said, seeing the care chiselled into his face. She slipped her hand into his and squeezed. “Come on. You can see this place some other time.” When they entered the exam room, she glanced over at Susie, then started toward the back door, pausing when he went over to look at the child.

“This is the little one you fell in love with?” He glanced over at her, lifting a hand to stroke Susie’s brow with the pad of his thumb.

Shepard stepped over to his side, her eyes burning with unshed tears again. “Yes. She’s hanging in there.”

“They’re all so precious,” he said, his voice barely loud enough to register. “All so very precious, and we send them into harm’s way. Always into harm’s way.”

Shepard swallowed hard. “Come on. I know something that will help soothe what ails you.” When he didn’t follow, she tugged on his hand a little. 

After another moment, he allowed her to pull him away. She led the way out the back door, through the empty cell block, and into the warehouse. Garrus looked up when they came in, passing a datapad to Cortez before he strode over to greet them. 

“Primarch.” Garrus gripped Adrien’s forearms. “We didn’t expect to see you, although I suppose we should have.” He chuckled, a warm rumble. “Welcome to Pertexa.”

Adrien looked around and shook his head. “That all this was here and no one knew . . ..” A slight tremor passed through him. “It makes you wonder what other horrors Cerberus had out there, or still has.”

“We were on our way to the overlook,” Shepard told Garrus. She levelled a thoughtful scowl at him. “How is the land clearing and barrier installation going?”

“Slowly. As eager as they are to help, most of the patients just aren’t strong enough.” Garrus swung a hand toward the transports. “We need all the bodies we’ve got just to get the ships loaded.”

“Okay.” Shepard took a quick breath. “We’re going to head to the overlook for a few minutes. When we return, we’ll have solutions.” She grinned when her mate’s brow plate raised. 

“Magical solutions?”

She chuckled, her eyes flashing with love and teasing. “Definitely magical.” After giving his hand a squeeze, she headed toward the side door and then out into the rear grounds. Through the massive gate ten metres ahead, stood a couple hundred metres of open forest that broke upon the shores of a large lake.

Adrien stepped through and took a deep breath, his mandibles fluttering. “Good for what ails me . . .. You were right.” He chuckled. “Of course, you always are.”

Shepard answered that with a bitter bark of a laugh. “If I was, we wouldn’t have started today burying nearly twenty people.” Forcing a sigh that did nothing to relax her, Shepard walked toward the lake. “It’s beautiful here, though. You should see the people, Adrien. Just amazing. Completely alien, and yet, so beautiful, just like their planet.” She looked down at her feet as her boots crunched through the coarse, grassy moss and stubbly undergrowth, dragging her toes a little. “Then along comes Cerberus, and now the place just feels . . ..”

“Violated,” Adrien finished.

Shepard nodded. “Yeah. I’d put it more graphically, but yeah.”

He chuckled and laid a hand on her shoulder. “You know that it was just the panicked father that asked you what was wrong with your species that day, right? Cerberus . . .” He shrugged. “. . . it’s not humanity.”

Shepard glanced over at him. “It’s part of who we are. It has to be. I’d be lying to myself, and you, if I said that I believed any chance of this sort of thing happening again died with the Illusive Man.” She paused at the lakeshore, looking out over the water.

“Fear makes us all do crazy things, Jane.” He stepped closer to her and let out a long breath that rumbled through his larynxes. “So, you have a labour shortage?”

“Yeah. The people here are going to be months before they’re strong enough to look after themselves. There’s almost no surviving staff. It’s so much bigger than I thought at first.” She nodded toward a path off to their left and set out along it, returning to the forest as it climbed around the edge of the lake. They emerged from the trees onto a low shelf of rock.

“James found this place when we were here before. We all escaped here as often as we could.” She sat on the edge, her feet hanging down over the water.

Adrien looked down at the water three metres below them. “Jane, turians . . ..”

“Don’t swim, I know. Sit. I promise to save you if you fall in.” She chuckled at him as he nervously shuffled to the edge. “Fearless Primarch runs into the lasers of Reapers and is afraid of a three metre drop into a metre of water.” She patted the ground. “Sit.”

Adrien grumbled and lowered himself next to her. “You’re a cruel woman.”

Once he was seated more or less comfortably next to her, she bumped him with her shoulder and smiled. “It’s good to see you.”

He nodded and looked down, bracing the heels of his hands against the rock. They sat in companionable silence for a long time, the sounds of the world both alien and familiar around them. Wind rustled through the canopy overhead, insect-analogs droned and chirped, swooping over the lake’s surface. Occasionally, one was snatched from below by mouth or claw.

“So,” she said once she felt him relax a little beside her. She leaned forward, mimicking his position. “We need some people; you have some people. Think we could work something out? Send the fleet ahead home, ask for volunteers to help down here? Might do some of them good to build fences, install kinetic barrier emitters, clear some farmland.” She cleared her throat. “Not to mention go through two months’ worth of security footage. The transports each have room for sixty, even loaded with supplies. A hundred twenty people could do us some serious good here over the next couple of weeks.”

“I suppose a hundred and twenty-one people could do quite a lot in a couple of weeks.” He cast a quick, sideways glance at her. His mandibles flicked. “Got room for one on the _Normandy_?”

She chuckled. “It just so happens we do have one bunk open. Might even be able to find a crate to stuff you in on one of the transports for the trip home.” She bumped his shoulder with hers. “Be a small one, though.”

Sighing, he waggled his head a little. “I’m not a large guy.”

“You avoiding going home, Primarch?”

He chuckled, but it came out flat. “Maybe, a little. It all goes crazy once I do, Jane. As hard as these months with the fleet have been, it’s still all familiar territory. The general doing his job. Once I get back to Palaven . . ..”

“Then the primarch eclipses the general forever.” She looked down into the water. “Yeah. I get that. Well, you’re welcome to stay, take a little working vacation. We’ll call you George, give you some coveralls and a hard hat, dirty you up a bit. No one will know Primarch Victus is digging post holes.”

This time his laugh sounded genuine. “I don’t think we need go that far.” He laid his hand over hers. “Thank you, Jane.”

_“Wow, Skipper, you sure have the wool pulled over that poor bird’s eyes, don’t you?”_

Shepard nodded and lifted her feet to pull first one boot off, then the other. “Here, take these.” She grinned as she thrust them at him. 

“What are you doing, Jane? You’re not going to jump in?”

She gave him a wide, slightly manic smile. 

“You have no idea what is in that water.” He gripped her arm. “Don’t be insane.”

“It’s way too late for that, Adrien. Way, way too late for that. I bet I beat you to the bottom.” With that she lifted herself up on her hands and cannonballed into the lake below.


	44. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madness . . . real or imagined?

**August 10, 2187**

 

Eyes burning from far too many hours of staring at her computer screen, Shepard leaned back and buried the heels of her hands into her eye sockets, groaning with sheer, animal pleasure. The greasy pressure from earlier continued to slither around inside her skull, its tendrils clawing through her brain to discover all the weaknesses and dirty secrets hiding in the cracks. A lot of headaches had beaten their way through her head over the years, but that one felt alive. Alive, angry . . . and hungry.

“I’m never sure if I should be alarmed when you grind your hands into your eyes like that,” Garrus said.

Shepard jumped, so caught up in the pain twisting through her nervous system that he startled her. Trying to cover her alarm, Shepard stretched, growling a little. She tried to force a smile but failed, managing only to send the beast in her head on a renewed rampage.

Slowly, what he’d said worked its way back to the front of her thoughts. “Nah, there’s more than enough to be alarmed about without worrying about me dry-humping my eye sockets.” She held her arms out, beckoning him over, needing connection to something solid and real--to him. “You look tired.”

“Yeah, so do you. Your headache still getting worse?” He sat in the other chair, resting his hand on the back of hers to massage her neck. “You ready to head up to the _Normandy_? Maybe get some sleep?”

“Yes to the headache, but no to going back to the ship.” Shaking her head, she reached out to lay her hand against his cheek. She hoped he understood that she couldn’t leave Susie alone, not when she was the reason the child was injured. “I need to stay with Susie.” 

She leaned back, looking at him, her eyes narrowing as a low rumble in his throat seemed to scrape against the inside of her skull. “Do you do that with your voice all the time?”

He frowned, his mandibles dropping, his brow plates lowering. “Do what with my voice?”

“That rumble that tells me to calm down and relax. I heard Gira doing it earlier, and then Adrien. I’ve never noticed you using it before.” She reached out and took his hand. “Do you use it all the time?”

Garrus pulled her over into his lap and wrapped her in his arms, laying his brow against her cheek. “Pretty much. It’s not that I do it on purpose, but yes.” He nuzzled her. “It seems to help when you’re stressed out, or upset. I think it started after Arahtot. Now it’s just habit. I’m surprised you can hear it. Most non-turians don’t register that range.”

Shepard nodded, relaxing into his arms. “I haven’t before today, or at least I didn’t realize it. Either way, suddenly my head isn’t threatening to split open.”

“Something set you off the minute we landed, and it’s been getting worse all day, hasn’t it?” He shook his head and reached up to stroke her hair. “You can talk to me, Shepard. I don’t think you’re crazy. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever happened to Dr. Wright is trying to happen to you, isn’t it?”

She let out a long, shaky breath. The idea had been rolling around in the back of her mind, but she hadn’t realized it until he asked the question. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to admit it. She wouldn’t allow that to happen to her. If it came to it, she’d eat a bullet before she hurt anyone else. At that thought, she let out a soft mewl of sorrow and wrapped her arm around her stomach. That wasn’t an option either. Not any more.

“What are they saying?” He asked, the thrum of his subvocals deepening, scrubbing away the oily tentacles with stiff bristles. “Are they telling you to do anything?”

“No.” She shook her head. “No, mostly it’s just the damned headache. A couple of times earlier I heard Ashley, Thane, and EDI talking to me. Ashley’s the worst. I don’t remember her being such a bitch.” Looking into his eyes, she frowned earnestly. “I haven’t wanted to hurt anyone, Garrus, not even the turian squad when I thought they were attacking.”

His eyes never left hers. “No. You’re a million times stronger than she was. Okay, I’ll go up, get you a clean set of clothes, food, a small batarian, and some blankets, and we’ll camp down here tonight.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck, then grumbled at his armour. “Although I truly do appreciate you being a turian-shaped tank in a fight, this armour is a bloody pain.” She leaned into him the best she could and closed her eyes. “I love you, Vakarian. Is it wrong that I just want to get our asses back to Earth and get married?”

“No. The same thought crosses my mind several times a day. I don’t suppose you have any magic leftover from earlier, do you?” He pressed his mouth to her temple and his arms tightened around her. “You do seem to manage miracles.”

“That miracle was just a happy coincidence of people wanting to get off ships and having ships available to take them home when they’re done.” She turned to kiss him, then let out a grumbling sigh. “God, I just stuck us here for another couple of weeks, didn’t I?” She sighed and flopped into him, resting her aching head against his shoulder. “Why, Vakarian? Why I can’t set our sails for Earth and just get us there?”

“We’ll get there a hell of a lot faster now than if we had to do all this work ourselves, and do you honestly see yourself telling us to pull out before everything here was done?” His mandibles fluttered in a smile, and he bent to press his brow to hers. “Besides, from the sound of it, we might just end up with an extra dozen or so people staying here permanently. There were a couple of medics in the first group Adrien brought down who were talking like they might want to stay and make a home here. It would be great for the patients to have this place become a big family.”

Shepard finally managed a smile and let out a fast, deep sigh. “That would be the absolute best case scenario.” She shoved herself to her feet. “I got the security footage organized for first and second shifts tomorrow, so we’re ready to go. Hopefully we can figure out what happened and prevent it from happening again.” Taking his hand, she hauled him out of the chair, just as she heard the front door open.

“Next shuttle leaving in two minutes,” Steve shouted.

“I have someone for that shuttle!” she called back.

“Two minutes, or it won’t matter.”

Shepard led Garrus out into the reception area. When she met Steve’s eyes, she shook her head. “Give some people a little power . . ..”

He shrugged. “I’ve got a train to keep running on time, Admiral.” He winked and ducked out the door.

Shepard turned to Garrus and grabbed his armour by the yoke, standing on tiptoes to touch her brow to his. “See you in a little while. Bring some pudding with you. I have a really huge craving for chocolate today. In fact, bring three.” She let him go and watched as he walked to the door. “And some of those butter crackers. Ask James. He’ll know what I mean.”

He turned back at the door, mandibles fluttering as he stared at her. 

She shrugged. “What?”

He pushed the door open. “Just enjoying my first ‘crazy pregnant mate’ moment.”

“First? I thought we’d been having those pretty steadily.” She waved toward the door. “You’d better go before Steve leaves you behind.”

Once he left, she returned to her office, closed the computer down and locked everything up tight. At least once the relays were up and running, she’d be able to come by on a regular basis to keep an eye on things. 

_“Make sure no one gets killed on your watch this time, Skipper? Way too late for that, isn’t it?”_

Ashley’s voice crashed through Shepard’s head like a wrecking ball, and her knees gave out, slamming into the side of the desk. A barbed wire half scream, half sob tore through her lips as she caught herself against the metal and leaned into it, her arms braced against her sides. She squeezed her eyes shut against the agony, forcing it back. 

“Just a manifestation of your guilt, Shepard,” she whispered, reaching up to press the heel of her hand into her eye. “Breathe through it.”

_“Oh Skipper, you’re losing it, aren’t you?”_ Ashley laughed. _“You can’t walk through the fire as many times as you have and not get burned. You’re so much closer to the edge than you want to believe. How big a push, do you think?”_

Taking a few slow, easy breaths, Shepard managed to fight the pain to an impasse and straightened. With measured steps, she left the office, locking the door behind her. Garrus knew her better than she knew herself, and he believed her stronger than whatever the hell was happening. It wouldn’t get her. She couldn’t allow it.

When she entered the exam room, the only sound and light came from the monitors hooked up to the tiny hanar/drell in the shallow tank. The circulators that kept water moving over Susie’s gills made them flutter like pink and purple butterflies kissing her neck. 

Lt. Ghyrus stood by the side of the tank, Susie’s hand held between his large talons. Shepard smiled and walked around to the other side. “How’s she doing?” she asked, stripping off her glove. She reached down to stroke the child’s head. “Hey there, precious.”

Ghyrus cleared his throat. “She hasn’t opened her eyes, but Dr. Chakwas said that they’re keeping her sedated so she doesn’t move around too much.” He placed the little hand down at Susie’s side and turned toward the door.

“Thanks for your help today, LT. You and your entire team saved our asses. I feel really good about leaving these people in your care.”

He paused and nodded. “Just glad to help, ma’am. These people have been dealt the worst hand I’ve ever seen.” His talons clenched into fists, then relaxed. “I haven’t decided if they were lucky you came along when you did or not.”

Shepard sighed. “Yeah. I understand that.” A soft, loving smile touched the corners of her lips as her thumb caressed Susie’s brow. “But this baby right here and the primarch’s son . . . they were worth it all by themselves, weren’t they? Not to mention the hundred people who’ve returned to Palaven and Earth.”

He turned and looked into her eyes. After a moment, his mandibles spread a little. “She’s a beautiful child.”

Shepard swallowed hard and nodded. “She sure is.”

He gave her a firm, but warm nod. “Goodnight, Admiral.”

“Goodnight, Lieutenant.”

When the door closed behind him, Shepard looked down and caressed Susie’s cheek with the back of a finger. “I’m so sorry I let this happen to you, baby.” She clenched her teeth against the sudden pressure in her head and chest, holding her breath as her whole body trying to force a sob past her control. Cradling the little head, she lifted Susie’s brow just clear of the water and bent to kiss it. “Poor, sweet girl.” She turned, grabbing the back of a large rolling chair and pulled it over.

Shepard sat and took a little hand in hers, the child’s skin cold and clammy, unlike previous times. “You just get your rest and get better. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not sure what we’re going to do yet, sweetie, but I’m not leaving you here like this again.” Leaning back, she tried to relax the best she could in armour, her thumb slowly brushing the back of the little girl’s hand.

“You can’t foresee every eventuality,” a soft voice said from the benches by the wall.

Shepard nodded without turning to face Karin. “I’m supposed to. That’s my job. That’s the whole reason I walked up to the man under the giant poster the day I turned eighteen and told him that I needed to be an Alliance soldier.” She ran her free hand over the stubble on her head, then rubbed at the base of her skull, trying to ease the pain. “Help the helpless. Protect and defend the weak. Do for others what no one was able to do for my family.”

Karin let out a long sigh. “You’re one woman. Intelligent, fierce, compassionate, loyal, and deadly when you need to be, but still just one woman.” The bench creaked as the doctor shifted. “If you try to win every fight against every evil in the galaxy, I’m going to be visiting you early mornings in a silent room with no windows, Shepard.”

The admiral turned, seeing only the doctor’s shape laying along the bench, the glimmer of reflected light in her eyes. “Not every fight, Doc. Not every fight, just the ones I walk into. These people deserved better. This little one deserves so much better.” She slid lower in the chair and laid her head back, slinging an arm over her eyes. “You should get some food and sleep while you can, Karin. I’ll be with her for the night now.”

The doctor pushed herself up off the bench. “Okay. I’ll go lie down in one of the staff dorms. Call if you need anything.”

“I will, but Garrus is bringing me everything I need for tonight. Rest well, Karin.” She rubbed Susie’s hand as if she could warm it up. “She’s so cold.”

Karin paused in the doorway. “Yes, I’m keeping her metabolism slowed down to help her heal. Something Thane told me about how he meditated to recovered from injuries. I thought since she’s part drell, it might help. Goodnight, Shepard.”

“Night, Doc.” Shepard shoved herself up and bent to kiss the little hand. “You would have liked Thane, and he would have liked you. He was a good man, and I couldn’t do anything to help him.” She shook her head. “Sometimes, it seems like all I do is let people down, baby. I just keep letting everybody down.”

Quick, pounding footsteps alerted her to Lenka’s arrival before the child cried out, “Mommy!” and raced into the room.

“Hey there, sweety.” Shepard released Susie’s hand, and turned the chair, catching the little batarian in mid-leap. She hugged her tight and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Holy cow, I missed you today.” After another squeeze, she pulled back and settled Lenka on her lap. “Did you have a good day?” She slid the backpack off Lenka’s shoulder and set it beside her chair

She nodded. “Papa helped me with my reading and numbers then I met Terion’s daddy.” She shrugged. “I watched vids with Kenneth for a while. Pretty boring.”

“He wasn’t watching those terrible monster movies, was he?” Shepard looked up at Garrus as he came in, loaded down with cots and two crates. She laughed and swatted Lenka’s backside gently. “You made your dad carry everything?”

“He said to.” She hopped down and took one of the small crates. 

Shepard followed suit, helping unload Garrus’s arms, then set up the two cots, using the crates as a table for their meal.

“How’s she doing?” Garrus asked, pausing next to the tank. He pulled off his glove and laid his hand on Susie’s brow.

Shepard stepped up beside him. “She’s hanging in there, I guess. Doc said she’s keeping her cool to lower her metabolism. Thane used to do the same thing by meditating so that his body could channel resources into healing rather than everything else.” She reached up, gripping the divot in the center of his armour’s cowl. “Come on, let’s eat and relax the best we can.”

Garrus pressed his hand into the small of her back, steering her to a cot. They sat side by side, Shepard leaning hard into his side, resting her head against his chest. At first she just closed her eyes, and took long, slow breaths, trying to ease the pounding in her head. After a time, it faded enough that she felt like eating. Once she dug into the brown stuff on her tray, she discovered she was ravenous and polished the rest off at breakneck speed. 

After they ate, she sat in the chair, Lenka cradled in her lap, Susie’s hand in hers, and read them stories in the dim light. On the other cot, Garrus succumbed to his long day, his gentle snore quickly soothing Lenka to sleep as well. Shepard put the book away and stood, tucking Lenka in next to her daddy, covering them both with a blanket.

“They’re pretty amazing, aren’t they?” she whispered, taking her seat at the tank again. “I don’t know what I’d do without them.” She laid her head back and closed her eyes, curling one knee up against the chair’s arm. Sleep began to creep in around the edges.

_“You don’t deserve any of this, Shepard. Hero of the galaxy, my ass. Heroes don’t throw friends, loyal allies, under the bus to save themselves.”_

Shepard shuddered and pressed her hands over her ears, either trying to block out the hateful sound of that voice, or hold in her brain as it threatened to explode out her temples. Her mouth opened, starting to voice an apology, but she bit it off. No, if she started to buy into the hallucinations, she was done. She looked over at Garrus, willing him to wake up and drive the pain and voices away.

_“Face it, Skipper, you’re five seconds from going full shooting rampage. I can’t believe you thought you could wade through all that crap unscathed. Not the brightest bulb, are you?”_

“No.” She pounded her fists against her head, each thump tearing through her like a bullet. Her lungs tightened, constricting in her chest until they felt as though they had tied themselves into knots. Her head buzzed like a malfunctioning light, dizziness flickering across her vision. The room seemed to retreat away from her, stretching out into a tunnel. Squeezing her eyes shut, she shook her head. “Just your imagination, Shepard. It’s just your imagination.”

Behind her, she felt the darkness move. An oily shadow broke off, slithering across the floor toward her, its tendrils reaching out. The tentacles rooting through her brain stretched out, beckoning, calling this new monster to wrap itself around the rest of her, to slide through her skin and muscles, to wrap around her organs so that it could finally claim her.

She jumped up and spun around. Nothing. She let out a whimpering sigh. “Just your imagination, Shepard. It’s all just your . . ..”

_“The paths are open. It is time to choose.”_

The terrible, gritty-tar innocence of that last voice threw Shepard toward the back door and sent her running through the facility. Doors slammed open before her as she ran, straining to move faster, to outrun the monsters in her head. Hallways and rooms passed in a blur, then trees and grass, until she splashed into water, tripping as it wrapped around her legs, crashing onto her hands and knees, gasping.

Cool and sane, water splashed over her, allowing the world to skew back into perspective. The shadows and pain retreated a little, and she took a long, wavering breath.

“Dammit.” She shoved herself backwards, out of the water, flopping onto her butt on the bank. Pulling her knees up tight, wrapping her arms around them, she stared out across the lake at the moonlight rippling across the surface. The panic retreated, pulling back millimetre by millimetre, replaced by a chill, dank sadness. 

“Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. You can’t give into it like that, Shepard.” She banged her forehead against her knees, trying to drive that sticky, mock-child voice from her head. Was it the reason for the headache and the voices? It couldn’t be, could it? She’d destroyed it. She’d destroyed them all. Why could she feel it slithering through her head?

“This was supposed to all be over and done with months ago,” she whispered to the trees. Closing her eyes, she listened to them rustle against one another in the breeze. The peaceful sounds of the night wrapped around her, and the gentle fingers of the breeze caressed her face and arms. 

“Be still,” it whispered. “Be calm.”

Her eyes burned, tears blurring her vision. “What’s happening to me?”

“You’re surviving the war, Jane.” 

She spun around to face the soft, smokey voice, her heart slamming into her throat before settling back, thudding fast and hard. “Adrien.” His name came out like a soft prayer of relief. “You turian males need to stop sneaking up on me, dammit.” She tried to smile at the primarch, but failed. “Where’d you come from, anyway?”

He nodded toward the overlook. “I spent the evening with Terion. He started to open up about what it was like here the last three years.” He lowered himself to the ground next to her. “Afterwards, there was no way I could sleep, so I came out here to think.”

Shepard winced. “Sitting up there with a front row seat to my little break down.”

Laying an arm around her shoulders, he nodded. “We all have them, you know?” He chuffed. “You clench your jaw, ride them out the best you can. You bore a lot of weight during the war.”

“What choice did I have, Adrien? And it broke me or drove me mad.” She took a deep breath and tried to shake it off, grateful for the fingernails on a chalkboard sensation as his voice rumbled and the fingers in her head backed off. “Only the insane hear the dead shouting at them, right? Imagine that the shadows are trying to possess them?” She gave her head another shake, as if she could jolt the crazy loose and fling it away from her.

“I think anyone who has seen enough death ends up haunted,” he replied.

“Do you realize that you’re doing that?” she asked, leaning into his side and relaxing, her head resting on his shoulder. Damn, she loved the way that slow reverberation scratched at the inside of her skull and down her spine.

“Doing what?” He stiffened in response to her sudden intimacy. 

She didn’t move away, leaving it to him to back off if he wanted space. “You’ve all been doing it all day. It’s an undertone. It feels brilliant, like drilling your knuckle into a knotted muscle. Hurts but a relief at the same time. Garrus said he started doing it after Arahtot. He doesn’t even think about it.” She closed her eyes and breathed in long, slow breaths of the sweet-smelling air. 

“What happened there?” He shook his head as she stiffened. “No, not that part. What happened during the days you were held captive?”

“I broke into the prison and got Dr. Kenson out. She told me she had absolute proof that the Reapers were not just coming, but practically here. They’d found a Reaper artifact that showed them the arrival and how the bastards would use the Alpha Relay to spread everywhere. I freaked, but she said that they’d taken precautions.” Shepard laughed low and dry and hard like cracked mud.

“They hadn’t?”

“Indoctrinated to a one,” she confirmed. “Kenson took me into the room where they kept Object Rho, and it hit me with a vision that confirmed what she said. Then it started building up power. I tried to fight my way out of the room, but there were so many of them. It reached full power and hit me with a pulse that knocked me out for two days. Woke up with minutes to spare.” She tilted her head to look up at him. “Why?”

He shook his head. “Just wondered because you mentioned Garrus started it after Arahtot. It’s a very ancient, instinctive reflex. I hadn’t realized I was doing it.”

Eyes closing once more, Shepard nodded. “I like it. It’s better than any of Doc’s pain relievers.”

“When you hear the voices and the headache starts, stay near Garrus or Gira. It will help.” His voice barely stirred the air. “You should go inside, sleep with your family.”

“Yeah, I should.” After a moment, she chuckled and turned into his side a little. “Except that I think I may have actually grown into this rock under my backside.” She sighed, the veneer cracking a little to let the fear and pain show through. “Is it terrible that I just want to stay here for a while longer?”

He slipped his arm down around her waist, then stood, hauling her up along with him. “Come on. We’ll wake Garrus up.”

Shepard stumbled a little, reaching up to stop herself, her hand pressed into his chest. “Yeah. That’s best.” She looked up into his face, studying the lines, and wondering as she stared into his eyes how people thought all turians looked the same. She patted his chest and pushed away. “Thanks, Adrien. You’re a good friend.”

He nodded toward the compound. “Is there somewhere I can sleep tonight since I missed the last shuttle back to the Normandy?”

She grinned and bumped him with her shoulder. “Yeah, I’ll show you.”

When she got Adrien settled in one of the staff dorms, she crept back out into the exam room. After checking on Susie to find that nothing had changed, Shepard sat on the empty cot and leaned over, placing her hand against Garrus’s cheek.

He jerked awake, but settled as soon as he saw her looking at him. Their eyes held for a moment, then he nodded and eased himself away from Lenka. When he managed to get up without waking her, he tucked her blanket around her, and stepped around to sit next to Shepard.

“What’s going on?” he whispered, wrapping an arm around her to pull her in against his side.

Shepard stood and moved around to sit on his thigh, wrapping her arms around his neck. “The pain is just really bad, Garrus. It feels like there’s something alive slithering around inside my head and down my spine.” She rested her brow against the side of his head and closed her eyes, melting into his arms as the shadows drew back. “I can hear Ashley. She’s so angry with me, Garrus.”

He held her close. “Okay. No one’s going to be doing anything crazy tonight, so I’m going to get out of this armour, and we’ll get some sleep.”

Shepard nodded. “Okay. I’m going to go take a shower and change into the clothes you brought down.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” He pulled back and stared into her eyes. “If my being with you helps even a little . . ..”

Leaning in, she kissed him. “It helps enormously, but I’ll be okay for a five minute shower.”

Ashley laughed softly. _“It’s sad to see how deluded you are.”_

He pressed his brow to hers. “You don’t have to prove how strong you are to me.”

“I know.” She leaned into him for a moment, wavering on asking him to come with her. Why suffer through it if she didn’t have to? No. She might not need to prove anything to Garrus, but she still had control of her own mind. She needed to prove it to herself. Her imagination got the better of her earlier, something that she never let happen to her. Not on that damned Reaper corpse, not in the collector ship . . . nowhere. 

She shoved herself to her feet, a sad smile touching her lips as she caressed his cheek. “I’ll be back in five.” Picking up the backpack with her clothes and toiletries, Shepard headed for the washroom in the back corner. She laid everything out on the vanity, grabbed her shampoo and went into the shower stall.

The stinging hot water felt amazing beating down on her skin. Shepard closed her eyes and tilted her face up into the spray. When she let her shoulders finally drop, it felt like they were going to fall all the way to the floor. Funny how she could never seem to just let the tension go.

_“It’s great that you get to have a family now, Skipper. I always thought I would some day.”_

Shepard breathed through the pain. It was an illusion. She reached for her wash, squirting some into her hand. She scrubbed it into her hair, her short fingernails rough against her scalp. All just an illusion.

_“Yeah, you know how I was about my sisters. Imagine if I had kids. It would have been great.”_

The claws attached to the back of her head like a large hand, talons digging in, splitting skin and cracking bone, then sinking deep into her brain. The tentacles slithered along every nerve, wrapping them tight. Shepard scrubbed harder. 

“It’s not real.” She growled low in her throat. “Just get clean and get the hell out.” Yes, she just needed to wash away the pain and Ashley’s voice. If she concentrated, she could just rinse away the mad itch that crawled up and down her spine.

_“You know, Skipper. A lesser woman than myself might be pretty pissed about you stealing my life--any chance I had for a future.”_

Shepard let out a harsh sob, and collapsed against the shower stall, elbows pressed to the metal, her hands clutched over her ears. “Leave me alone,” she mewled.

_“Yep, a lesser woman might just tighten this hand in your skull right up.”_

Searing pain forced a scream from her throat; a jagged thing, it rebounded, its corners catching and tearing on the way out.

_“Tighten this old hand right up and send you out to take care of them all. That would balance things, don’t you think, Skipper? You take my future from me. I take yours from you?”_

“No. I won’t let you.” Her hands slipped around to press into her eyes, an image of Lenka and Garrus lying out on the cots appearing behind her closed eyelids. She mewled, sobbing harsh and bitter as slow stains spread across the canvas under their heads. Shepard slid down the wall, tears hotter than the shower raining over her cheeks. “I won’t let you. I won’t let you. You can’t have them.”

“Spirits, Shepard.” 

The water stopped, and then gentle hands lifted her off the floor and pulled her into a tight embrace. She tried to stand, tried to hold herself up, but she just couldn’t make her limbs obey.

“Come on. You aren’t going anywhere without me, Adrien, or Gira until we figure this out.” 

A towel wrapped around her and rough mouth plates pressed to her forehead. “You’re okay.” The warm rumble rolled through her, easing her hands from her eyes, the vision of blood pooling and dripping through the cots fading into black and white. 

“I’ve got you.” Brisk hands rubbed another towel over her skin, then tugged a t-shirt over her head. 

The claws in her head loosened enough that Shepard looked up into Garrus’s face, her hands following her stare, bumping numbly against his mandibles, then walking up the warm, hard skin to press against his cheeks. He was there, and whole. She blinked back the helpless tears that rolled down her cheeks

He shook his head. “You’re too stubborn for your own good, Shepard.” He held out her sleeve. “Come on, finish getting dressed so we can go lie down.”

She nodded, the grip on her brain eased a little more, but not enough for her to speak. When she was dressed, she led the way back out to the cots and laid straight down on the side of the empty one. Her body felt wooden and numb. 

Garrus followed a moment later, lowering himself into the narrow space behind her. “These cots are worse than the beds in med bay.” He gathered her into his arms and pulled her in tight against him. He nuzzled the back of her head, his subvocals easing her toward sleep.

“Ashley was talking to me in there. She wanted to take you and Lenka as revenge for me stealing her future,” she whispered, the stranglehold grip and pain easing back to pressure at the back of her head.

He nodded and hugged her tight. “We’ll get through this, Shepard, but I think we need to get you back to the _Normandy_. I can call Steve, and we can be in our own bed in an hour.”

She shook her head. “I have to figure this out, Garrus. I’m okay as long as I’m with you.”

“You could figure it out from the _Normandy_. You can watch the same footage in our quarters that you can here.”

What he said made perfect sense, except that whatever was messing with her was on the planet’s surface. She could feel it, like an itch at the base of her skull. “It’s Balak.” Absolute certainty settled in her gut. “The batarians had Reaper tech for years. Somehow what they discovered combined with what the Illusive Man knew is behind this.”

“All the more reason to return to the _Normandy_ , Shepard. Please don’t fight me on this. You know as well as I do that your response to fear is to slam yourself against whatever it is until you smash the fear apart, but you can’t do that here.” He leaned up, pressing his mouth against her ear. “I have no doubt that you could face this and fight it off, but why? You can come down a couple times a day to be with Susie. I can handle the rest. Let me do this for you.”

Shepard sighed. “Okay. I want to stay down here tonight. I don’t want to leave Susie alone, but in the morning, I’ll take the first shuttle back.” She kissed him. “Good enough?”

“Good enough.” He leaned up a bit and shook a blanket out over them, then tucked himself in against her. “Go to sleep. I’ve got you.”

Curling in against his warmth, Shepard closed her eyes. “You always do.”


	45. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty Four

August 13, 2187

 

“Jane?”

Shepard sighed gratefully as the voice came through as a whisper in her ear. She looked up from the computer and, wincing, lifted two fingers to her ear. “Hey. What’s up, Primarch? You already tired of building fences?” She kept her voice soft, unable to stand it reverberating through her skull.

“Actually, I’m loving it. Feels good to use my muscles, even though I can barely crawl out of bed in the morning. I’m pretty sure Rossus and Gira hear me next door and think someone is torturing me.” He groaned, long and low. She imagined him stretching.

She shook her head, then winced at the shockwaves of pain the movement sent rippling through her head. Hopefully Gira got back from the washroom quickly. She let her eyes drift closed. “So, what can I do for you, sir?”

He surprised her with a curse. “Never call me that again, to start.” His warm chuckle tugged at the corners of her mouth. “My techs contacted me, said they found some footage for you to see. They sent it to your terminal.”

“They’re five metres away. Why . . .?” She leaned back in her chair. No more than twenty minutes ago, she’d walked right by the turians poring over the surveillance footage.

“What can I say? You’re an intimidating figure. Well, and everyone is afraid that speaking to you will actually make your head explode. Me, I’m naturally charming, approachable, and not on a build up to detonation.”

“I’m hanging up on you, Mr. Naturally Charming,” she said, loving him right then for being the only person who didn’t treat her like spun sugar. “Thanks for letting me know.” She closed the channel, then called up her messages, opening the vid footage.

_“Build up to detonation sounds about right, doesn’t it, Skipper? Detonation of what? Now, that’s the question.”_

Shepard watched it through once, not really registering the craziness of what she saw. Unable to be certain of much since the headache and voices had ramped up to a non-stop nightmare, she replayed it. Forcing aside the voice of denial, she watched, both fascinated and horrified. “What the hell?” 

Dr. Wright paced back and forth in her office. “Got to open the doors. Open the doors. Three doors. Three doors. Three. Three. Three.” She scratched a spot at the base of her skull. “But they’re standing in the last door. Standing in it. Can’t open the door if they’re all standing in it.” Scratch. “Clean them out. Get them out.” Pause. Scratch. 

“Open the doors. Can’t find heaven without opening the doors.” She giggled, a shrill, maniacal cackle. “Heaven. Heaven where the whispers stop. Stop.” She smacked the heel of her hand against her forehead and resumed pacing, her hand making a fat, almost obscene clapping sound in time to her footsteps. “Heaven. Stop the whispers. Open the doors. Clean them out.” Scratch. Smack.

_“Look familiar, Skipper? That third door needs to be opened.”_

The doctor opened the top drawer of her desk and removed a pistol. For a moment, it tipped toward her temple, her eyes panicked, her hand trembling, fighting that urge as the barrel homed in on a quick death. She behaved as if the gun, or her hand, was acting on its own. Or was she fighting it? Maybe it was the other way around. Maybe whatever guided her hand fought her attempt to put that bullet in her own head.

“Heaven, where the whispers stop. Open the doors. Go to heaven.” Lifting her other hand, she pushed the gun down and away. “No. Open the doors. Clean them out.” Wright jumped as if someone electrocuted her and ran out the office door.

“Shepard?” Garrus’s voice at the door startled her and she jumped, clutching her hand to her chest. 

“Christ, Vakarian, give a woman some warning, will you?” She mewled softly, her hands lifting to her head on their own.

His mandibles lowered and flicked. “Sorry about that, Shepard.” He walked in and shut the door. “What are you doing?” He stepped in behind her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back against his left side.

Shepard let out a long breath as he rested his chin on the top of her head. “Watching the footage from the camera I put in Wright’s office. Adrien’s people just sent me this clip.” She lifted her arm and keyed her omnitool, rewinding to show him.

He watched, his body tensing behind hers, more every moment. When the doctor left the room, he let out a chuff. “She was indoctrinated,” he said, his voice staying soft, but heavy with an undertone of the almost superstitious fear that the word provoked.

Shepard nodded. “My thoughts too, but when and by whom? The Illusive Man? The new team of scientists he sent?” She gripped his arms tight. “What’s going on here, Garrus? What the hell is all this about?”

The door opened.

“What about Balak?” Garrus asked. “The Apostles sure act like they are indoctrinated.”

Liara stuck her head in the door. “I might have answer for you on that.”

Shepard nodded and waved her in, hanging on to Garrus even as the Shadow Broker entered. She needed arms around her right then. Leaning her head back, she whispered, “Hit me with some of that heavy subvocal action, big guy. This is all getting incredibly strange.”

“I found a transmission sent to Dr. Wright’s terminal less than twenty minutes before we arrived on the planet three days ago,” Liara reported. “It consisted of random images and noise, so I shut it down immediately. I have Glyph analyzing it and will let you know, but it’s looking like someone sent a very strong indoctrination signal couched inside a barrage of stimuli designed to overwhelm our normal sensory filters.”

“I’ve heard of indoctrination happening very quickly, but it doesn’t take very well,” Shepard said. “The target is highly unstable and dies quickly. It works better done slowly, over time.” Shepard closed her eyes and leaned back, letting Garrus support her. “Maybe it was sent to tip her over the edge, make her useless, even suicidal? She was going to shoot herself at first.”

Garrus nodded. “She might have known something that Balak thought was a risk, so he neutralized her.” He shifted and grumbled. “But, you haven’t been hit by anything? It just started when we arrived.”

“It never had to. I’m already partially indoctrinated, Garrus. The reaper corpse, Object Rho, the Illusive Man and Catalyst . . . take your pick.” She gave him a sad frown.

“Dr. Wright just wasn’t strong enough to fight it off before she killed or hurt innocent people.” Shepard squelched down the pain of little Susie, still a shadow of herself. Instead she took a shuddering breath in and focused on what the doctor had been ranting. “Either way, the dead are dead. What did she mean by opening the doors? She seemed to think that the people here were standing in the way of this third door being opened.”

“More craziness?” Garrus offered. 

She closed her eyes, savouring the moment of feeling normal; they’d become less frequent and of shorter duration over the past three days, despite the presence of Garrus, Gira and Herros. The night before, even on the Normandy, the three turians had taken shifts, two of them with her at all times. She hated that they needed to spend all their time babysitting her just to keep her from flipping out.

Shepard rubbed the back of his hand, patting it a couple of times before she pulled away, standing on her own. “Maybe, but I don’t think so. Balak has a plan. Hell if I know what it is, but he’s got one, and somehow all this fits into it.” She closed her omnitool and shook her head. 

Glancing over at Liara, who stood in the doorway, looking awkward, Shepard said, “Make sure you send a copy of all the footage from her camera to Traynor for analysis. Who knows, there might be something to see or hear not apparent to the naked senses.”

“I will, and I’ll get started on writing some protocols for the computers and communications equipment to block any more transmissions like the one she received. I wish . . ..” She literally chomped down on the last sentence, leaving Shepard no doubt where it was going.

“Yeah, I wish EDI was here every single hour of every single day, Liara.” The words came out bitter, angry, and frustrated--not so much with the tactless asari blundering down that road again, but with the entire, unfathomable situation.

Shepard jabbed her chin toward the door, cutting off Liara’s apology. “You’d better get to it. I don’t want to leave a bunch of people here if the same thing could happen again. Lock their communications down, Liara. We’ll set them up with a QEC, link it to the Normandy, and take links back to Earth and Palaven for now.” The fingers tightened around her spine, sending sparks shooting into her head. “We’re leaving good people here to do a hard, amazing thing. The very least we can do is keep them safe from crap like this.”

Liara gave her a resolute nod. “I’ll get Traynor and Tali working on the QEC now.” She turned, but then Glyph zipped in the door.

“Analysis of the transmission is complete, Doctor. It was sent from a transmission source two kilometres from this base.”

“Send the location to the _Normandy_ , Glyph. Ask Tali to run complete scans of that area.” Liara looked up at Shepard. “The ERC receiver on this planet?”

Shepard nodded. “More than likely. Send the transmission from anywhere, take out the evidence here before we can trace it.” She looked up at Garrus. “If it’s Balak, he could have meant her to kill everyone here first, then herself. Maybe her pointing the gun at herself was her way of trying to resist.”

He nodded, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “I doubt we’ll ever know exactly what happened.”

“Shepard.”

The admiral lifted her hand to her ear. “Yes, Tali?”

“I finished scanning that area. The readings are off the charts, but they don’t make sense. I’m reading something that seems to be emitting a partial Reaper signature, but it’s mixed with at least three other signatures.” The quarian grumbled. “It’s like they have a piece of Reaper tech wired into other tech.”

Shepard nodded. “That makes a strange sort of sense. The Reaper hardware is all still here, it’s just missing the software and power. You hook it up to another set of software . . . but what software? Power, easy. Even processors to repurpose it, easy enough. But the software . . .. The Reapers were their software, just like the geth and EDI.”

“Would a virtual intelligence work?” Garrus asked.

The deep ache began to burrow through Shepard’s synapses. She reached up and rubbed away the wrinkles between her eyes. “I don’t know. I guess there’s only one thing to do.” She nodded. “Tomorrow at 0800, we’ll take two teams in. You’ll bring Tali, Gabby and Liara in on the second team, keep back until we have the thing shut down. I’ll take James and Steve in first. If anything goes wrong, you get it shut down via other means.” 

“May I come along?” 

A wan smile touched Shepard’s face as Adrien’s head peeked around the door. “Are you qualified to take a ground op, Primarch?” She cocked her hip and crossed her arms, staring him down, one eyebrow raised.

He stepped inside, as Liara mumbled an excuse and headed out. “There are rumours that I was once a general. They’re unsubstantiated, but come from fairly reliable sources.”

Shepard nodded and grinned. “Sure, you can stick with the second team, I’ll bring Liara up front with me.”

“Shepard . . ..” She glanced back at Garrus, but he stopped and just shook his head.

Sighing, she nodded, knowing exactly what he was thinking. And, yeah, that was a fight for another place. “Okay. I’ll leave you to get everyone organized for the morning. I’m going to check in with Lt. Ghyrus and say goodnight to Susie. See you at the shuttle in forty-five?”

Garrus nodded. “I’ll meet you there.”

Shepard chased the two males from her office and locked everything up for the night. Garrus seemed ready to fight her over the following day, but why? She’d never let anyone take point on one of her missions. Maybe he just wanted to bomb it from orbit. Shaking off her doubts, she locked up the office and headed toward the exam room.

“Sorry about that,” Gira whispered, hurrying up beside Shepard. “One of the krogan cut himself learning to cook and came into the bathroom, crying.” She chuckled. “I bandaged him up, gave him a hug and sent him back to work.”

“Crying?” She sighed when Gira confirmed. “This whole place is inside out.”

“I won’t argue with that.” She turned off to sit on one of the benches by the wall as Shepard walked over to Susie’s tank. She’d been transferred back into her regular home a couple of hours earlier so that she could move, but she just sat at the bottom of her tank, one small thumb stuck in her mouth.

“Hey there, beautiful.” Bending over, Shepard pressed her hand against the glass. Something about the child helped calm the storm that battered every inch of her. Actually, it was the same with Lenka. Maybe the connection she felt to them provided her some insulation. “How are you feeling?”

Susie just shook her head.

“Meet me up top?” Shepard straightened and lifted the lid. Grabbing a towel from the shelf under the tank, Shepard opened it up and draped it over her shoulder. When Susie peeked above the water, the admiral lifted her gently, and wrapped the towel around her.

“There we go. Now we can sit for a minute.” Shepard sat in one of the big chairs, and cradled the child against her, rocking slowly. Susie tucked her head in under the admiral’s chin and let out a long, sad sounding sigh. “So, you’re not feeling very good yet, huh?”

The little head shook.

“Yeah, it takes a while.” She smiled. “What do you think of Gira? She’s a pretty awesome lady, don’t you think?” When Susie nodded, they both glanced over at the turian, and Shepard chuckled. “Yeah, I really like her too. And what about the LT? You think he’s an okay guy?”

Susie pulled back and her thumb popped out of her mouth to be replaced by a wide smile.. 

Shepard smiled, soft and warm. “Oh, it’s like that, huh? Yeah, he seems like a really good man, and he sure thinks you’re the bee’s knees.”

Susie pointed to the clock and then up to the sky.

“We’re not leaving for a few days yet. We’ve got to finish up some work.” Shepard kissed the child’s brow. “I’m going to miss you like crazy, and I know Lenka will too.” 

Tucking her head back under Shepard’s chin, the child reached up, wrapping her arms around the admiral’s neck. 

“But, maybe by the time we get back to Earth, the mass relays will be up and working again, so I can come and visit you whenever I want.” Shepard rubbed the little back in slow, gentle circles. “I can’t wait to be able to do that. You get so big between my visits. You’re going to forget all about me before we get back here.”

Susie leaned up and kissed Shepard’s cheek, pressing herself into the curve of the admiral’s neck, shaking her head. “Won’t,” she said, her voice muffled and slightly off key.

Shepard smiled, the haze lifting for a moment. “Well, listen to you. By the time I get back here, you’re going to be talking away like a champ, aren’t you?” Shepard kissed the child. “You’re such a jewel.”

“She is, at that,” a warm voice said from the back door. The soft metallic click of the door latch preceded sharp clicks of bare talons on tile. When the turian lieutenant stepped up beside them, he was dressed in a simple robe and smelled of pumice cleanser. 

Susie leaned up, smiling. Shepard sighed and nodded, smiling through glassy eyes as Ghyrus walked over and caressed the child’s cheek with the back of a talon.

“Did she tell you her new words?” he asked, pulling one of the other chairs over to sit with them.

“Words?” Shepard gasped, teasing. She leaned back, her neck screaming as the deadlocked muscles at the base of her skull stretched. “You holding out on me?”

Susie flushed, her skin rippling with colour from deep green on her face down to a bright purple along her tentacles. She really was so beautiful. 

“Yes,” she replied, timidly, grinning when Shepard did.

“Is that it?” The admiral asked, sending a companionable wink to the LT.

“No.” Susie giggled, the sound like the chiming of a bell. She coughed at the end though, so Shepard hugged her then pulled away. “Do you want to give the LT. a hug before you go back in the tank?”

“Yes.” Again with that beautiful giggle.

“Okay.” Shepard passed her to the lieutenant’s waiting arms, feeling a sense of relief so profound that it ached. Susie would be okay with Ghyrus. He’d love her like she deserved to be loved. Thank god. Sometimes miracles came in the most unlikely packages.

The LT. hugged the child and nuzzled her cheek before placing her back in her tank, smiling as she did a couple of slow, graceful loops before settling on the bottom to watch them.

Shepard sighed, keeping her gaze on Susie as she spoke. “How old were your children, lieutenant?”

“They were all around her age. My wife wanted to have them all at once after the first. She loved being a mother.” He breathed slowly, the air rasping through his nose, as he paused. “I loved being a father.” 

She saw his mandibles drop, fluttering hesitantly, and decided to leave the fragile silence intact between them. 

He raised a hand, then let it drop, boneless, to his lap. “I told her to get out early, but there were so many to care for, so many displaced and scared.” He chuffed. “She lived as a weaver, but she died as a hero of the turian people.”

Shepard nodded, blinking back tears.

“This place is wrecking you, isn’t it, Admiral?” He stared into her eyes, not waiting for an answer. “It’s starting to affect the patients too.”

Shepard stood and looked down at him. “We’ll take care of that tomorrow.” She nodded, resolute despite the pain. “Goodnight, LT. I’m very glad you came here.” 

Gira fell in beside her as she headed to the shuttle, and she wrapped her arm around her friend. “I’m so tired.”

Gira nodded. “You discovered what happened to the doctor?” She glanced over at Shepard, her face void of expression as if even cocking a brow plate could somehow cause Shepard to go into a catastrophic meltdown.

“Yes. Indoctrination sent from a transmission station a couple of klicks from here. We’re going over to investigate first thing in the morning.” Shepard’s mouth quirked a little as she waited for her friend’s inevitable protests. Gira and Garrus thought far too much alike.

“And you believe that it’s wise for you be in such close proximity to the device that is causing you this much torment?” Gira pulled her close against her side. “It’s gaining power every moment, reaching you even on the Normandy. Who knows what will happen if you expose yourself to the source. Lenka and Garrus could lose you forever.”

Shepard nodded. “But, sending someone else is asking him to expose himself, because let’s face it, it’s going to be Garrus taking my spot. He hasn’t been touched by it. Then, when I lose my marbles anyway, Lenka has neither one of us.” She scowled, the pain coalescing to form a giant screw twisting into her forehead as her brow wrinkled. 

She laid her head against Gira’s shoulder. “My whole career has been about not asking others to take a risk that I’m capable of taking and defeating myself.” She shook her head, a moan escaping even between clenched teeth as the movement send sparks and daggers shooting along her nerves. “I can’t let Garrus sacrifice himself. Not when Lenka needs him.”

Gira merely sighed and opened the door, leading her out into the cool evening air.

The argument with Garrus began on the shuttle. Not with words, but he sat rigid next to her, not touching her, as if doing so would break down his will to confront her and push until he won. She leaned into him, needing to feel that connection, even with his anger buffeting her, more than she needed to . . . whatever. The ability to form coherent thought was becoming hit and miss. All she knew was she needed to lean on him right then. He could rant all he wanted later.

He guided her upstairs, a hand in the middle of her back, making her feel like a little kid getting sent to her room. Gira stayed off to one side, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

The moment their cabin door closed, Garrus stalked to the fish tank, spinning to face Shepard as she limped across the threshold. “You can’t lead the first team tomorrow, Shepard. You’re barely able to function coherently. You’re going to get yourself or someone else killed.”

She stumbled the opposite direction, trying to give herself a buffer from his volume, flopping into her desk chair. She looked up through blurry eyes. “I can hold it together long enough to look inside and see what we’re dealing with. If nothing throws out the indoctrination whammy, you can go in and take everything apart. I’ll lay down outside and take a nap at that point.” She leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees, able to feel her whole body wobbling a little in time with her pulse.

She took measured breaths, trying to keep the sparks and knives from seeping into her tone. If she got hysterical, she’d just prove him right. She swallowed and ran her tongue around the inside of her mouth, trying to find some moisture. “Garrus, we don’t know anything about what we’re walking into, but we do already know that I’m being driven bonkers by whatever this is. If I get driven right over the edge, I trust you to get me back and sorted. I trust you to look after our daughter.” She held out her hand, but he didn’t take it. 

She stared at him for a moment before letting it fall and hang between her knees like a broken thing. “Can you say the same for me, Garrus? What if you get hit by a blast like Wright did? Can I look after Lenka and you?” 

He paced for a moment, and hope bloomed. He could see her point, he just needed to wrestle through that fierce protector shell to allow for it. The moment he stopped and looked down at her, she knew that she’d been facing a hundred and eighty degrees the wrong direction.

“I’ll have Karin declare you incompetent and sedate you in protective custody if I have to, Shepard.” Garrus flung a hand toward her stomach with such vehemence that she winced back from it. “It’s not just your life that you’re risking. That child in there is half mine. I get some say in what you throw her into.”

Shepard wrapped her arms around her middle. “You think I’d risk our baby?”

“Obviously yes, because that’s exactly what you’re doing.”

“Garrus,” Gira interjected softly, “this might not be the best way . . ..”

“If you try to suit up in the morning,” Garrus said, his voice dropping and taking on a fierce, growling edge that jabbed knives along Shepard’s spine and down her legs, “I’ll drag you to med bay myself.”

“Mommy?” Lenka’s voice cracked between them, high, shrill and panicked.

The pitch and sheer volume split Shepard’s head open like a ripe melon dropped on the ground. Agony sent her stomach into FTL. Slapping her hand over her mouth, she bolted for the toilet, sliding across the metal flooring to heave the contents of her stomach into the bowl.

“Spirits, Shepard!” Garrus barked, following her.

“Daddy, stop yelling at Mommy,” Lenka shrieked and started to cry.

Shepard heaved, each of Lenka’s cries like an axe splitting her head.

“Sh,” Gira whispered, “it’s okay . . ..” 

Garrus touched Shepard’s back, but she waved him away. “Go . . . comfort . . . Lenka. Stop her crying,” she said between gasping and heaving. “Send Gira.”

A few minutes later, Shepard hung, exhausted and boneless over the toilet, Gira rubbing her back. Lenka’s noise level finally calmed after initially ramping up while she berated Garrus for yelling.

“You ready to get washed up and changed?”

Shepard nodded slowly, looking up at her friend. “Is he right? Am I risking our baby?”

Gira shook her head. “You’re both impossibly stubborn.” She grabbed Shepard under the arms and helped lever her off the floor, flushed the toilet, then sat her down. Grabbing a washcloth, she soaked it and soaped it up.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Shepard said as the other woman washed her face and down her neck.

“No, it doesn’t, but that’s because I can’t answer it.” She rinsed the cloth and returned. “This looks like it’s risking your baby. I don’t know how going out there will change things.” She finished cleaning Shepard up, then tugged her uniform off over her head. “Come on, let’s get you into bed.”

Shepard let Gira change her, feeling like a child, but too far down in the hole to care. She laid down in bed, curling herself around Lenka when the child joined her. They slept for a while, then Shepard woke as Garrus eased Lenka out of her arms and took her to prepare her for bed.

A few moments later, Garrus climbed into bed and pressed up behind her back. Laying his hand on her shoulder, he whispered, “Come on, Shepard. No matter what else is going on, at the end of the day you belong curled up next to me.”

She pulled her pillow in tighter, wadding it up under her neck, but made no move toward him. “Is this what happens, Garrus? We reach a point where it just all breaks apart because neither one of us is willing to give?”

He sighed and pressed his face into the curve of her neck. “I trust you without reservation, Shepard. This isn’t about trust. This is about you risking yourself unnecessarily.”

Her stomach did a small heave, and she poised to run, but it settled back. She closed her eyes, the pain making it so hard to think. All she knew is that she needed to go to that shed. “I need to go, Garrus. It’s my life to risk.”

_“The last door has to be opened.”_

He stiffened, pulling back a little even though his hand slid around her to press against her lower belly. “Not so long ago, your words were, ‘It’s our life, now, and our decision.’ And where does the speck fit into the Shepard sacrifice plan?”

Shepard rolled over to face him. “This isn’t a suicide mission, Garrus. It’s investigating a transmitter. Worse comes to worst, you hit me with a tranq, blow the thing to hell, and I recover.” She let out a long, slow breath and tried to focus on his eyes, but they seemed to shift back and forth with her heartbeat. “If you’re going into a plague zone to do recon and one of you is already infected, you send them rather than risk those who aren’t.”

He sighed and shook his head. “Go to sleep, Shepard.”

“I’m right, you know.” She closed her eyes, letting the deep black pit of sleep reach up for her. She was so tired. So very, very tired.

“Just go to sleep. I’ll take care of it.”


	46. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty Five

**August 14. 2187**

“Garrus Vakarian was a good man. Not a bright man, but a good one.”

Garrus glanced over at his primarch, a brow plate raising. He must have missed something.

Victus’s mandibles fluttered. “I’m composing your eulogy for the state funeral. It’ll be very touching, all about the noble war hero who sacrificed so much to save the galaxy, until the tragic day he died at his wife’s hands. It’ll be very touching. Well, except that one line. The rest . . . quite touching.”

Garrus just glared, sighed, and shook his head.

“Wait a minute,” James called. The Marine ran up beside Garrus. “We’re on this mission behind _Madrecita’s_ back?” Garrus shot the same glare over his other shoulder, and James shook his head. “The primarch’s right, Scars. Not bright. You’d better save your energy for running your ass off when she catches up with us.”

“Get back in position, Vega.” Garrus turned back to the primarch. “Shepard’s not able to think straight. She wasn’t even going to take one of us in the first team. She’s trying to protect us instead of planning smart.”

Victus nodded. “We’d better speed it up. Your only hope of survival is if we get there before she catches us, and we manage to get the transmitter offline without anything going wrong.” The primarch cast a sardonic glance at Garrus. “You willing to lay odds on that happening?”

Garrus shot him another glare, but couldn’t keep a healthy undertone of ‘we’re screwed’ out of it.

Adrien chuckled. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Garrus cracked his neck and rolled his shoulders a little. According to his visor, they still had just under a klick to the signal origin. He glanced over at Adrien, the smaller turian moving easily in his light armour.

“I used to wear light armour,” he sighed. “I remember it being . . . light.” He wondered if he’d need the extra speed and how soon. He felt the storm coming up hard and fast behind.

Victus chuckled. “I’ve never been one for the heavy, that’s for sure. Too bulky, hard to move in for a guy my size. I make up for the lack of bullet stopping power in agility.” He stretched and looked up at the canopy. “Spirits, this is a beautiful planet. I can’t seem to get enough of looking at the sky and seeing something other than black.” He shrugged, settling the yoke of this armour. “The last year has given me a greater empathy for the quarians.”

Garrus nodded. “Felt that way when we finally got the Normandy back to Earth, and we weren’t crowded in like khrenits in their burrows.” He stopped and took a drink from his water bottle, then passed it to Adrien. “Feels good to stretch my legs.” He took another drink when the primarch passed the bottle back, then held it out to James. “Every day used to be move, fight, move, fight. Now, it’s endless days of trying to keep busy on the ship.”

Adrien nodded. “It’s going to be a challenge for both of us to settle down, become politicians.” He laid a hand on Garrus’s shoulder. “But you will have Jane and the little ones.” He smiled as they set out again. “You know, if you survive today.” He chuckled. “My mate was a wonderful, strong female, but absolutely terrifying when she was pregnant.”

Garrus picked up the pace, settling into an easy lope. “Shepard’s been acting fairly normal so far, but some of the things she’s asking to eat the last few days are getting weird. The night before last was peanut butter and hot sauce on pickles.” He cast a bewildered glance at the primarch. “I have no idea what it tastes like, but the crew in the galley looked at me with either horror or amusement while I prepared it.”

Victus nodded. “So, how furious is she going to be when she catches up with us?”

Garrus cleared his throat and picked up the pace a little more. He didn’t know how or if he’d manage to get Shepard to forgive him for going around her. “There won’t be a hole deep enough, but she’s not thinking clearly.” He shook his head, his hands convulsively gripping his rifle. “ Let’s just get this thing shut down before she starts ripping my plates off.”

They ran a few paces, then Garrus glanced over at Victus again. “I’m surprised you’d come with me, knowing that I’m going behind Shepard’s back,” he said, keeping his volume just between them.

“Jane is my friend, Garrus. I hope you’re my friend as well. Both of these mean that my place is here, keeping your ass alive long enough for Jane to get her hands on you.” He met Garrus’s eyes for a long moment. “I’m not interested in trying to come between you, nor would Jane allow it if I was.” He chuffed, his subvocals rolling. “Well, unless you pull stupid moves like the one while she was injured on Palaven.”

Garrus’s guts froze, his entire body going so rigid that he stumbled. He choked back a demand to know how Adrien found out about that. Had Shepard told him? Why would she tell Victus, of all people?

“Before you work yourself up any further, I know because no fewer than five members of governmental staff reported it to me.” Victus sighed. “I’ve put your name forward to fill one of the highest profile and most important positions in the Hierarchy, Garrus. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I believe you’re the man to replace me when I retire.”

A casual shrug met Garrus’s glare. “We’re going to be changing things,” the primarch continued. “I want to press for emphasis on culture and integration into the galactic community as more than its sword and shield. That makes people nervous. You will be in a very influential position with a human mate at your side. That makes people nervous. If you start pulling stupid crap like that episode, they’re going to get nervous enough to throw us both out of office.”

Garrus let out a long sigh and nodded. “So, you have spies watching me.”

Victus laughed. “Nothing so cloak and dagger. We’re all watched, Garrus. That comes from stepping forward. We just have to remember that we’re under constant scrutiny.”

Garrus cringed at the thought. It had been inevitable, though why he never thought of it before was a mystery. Even if he and Shepard went into life as civilians, taking jobs as janitors, the galaxy would have watched them. It all just added an extra level of stupid to his actions that night. He wondered if Shepard realized that the galaxy would spend the rest of her life watching her. What about their children? How did they ever manage a normal life with reporters and rival politicians watching and waiting for them to do something worth splashing across the news?

“It’s hitting you, isn’t it?” Victus smiled, his mandibles lifting a little and his subvocals adding a undertone of encouragement. “It won’t be as terrible as all that. You’ve already had several volunteers for your family’s security detail, and I know at least one of them will strike fear into the hearts of any who venture too close.” He sidestepped around a tree, jumping nimbly over the roots.

“Oh?” Garrus chuffed, taking the wider path. “Who would volunteer to babysit my family?”

“The first was a krogan you seem to have impressed. His name is Ravenor Barl.” Victus nodded when Garrus threw a glance over his shoulder at him.

Garrus laughed. “The krogan with the fat aunt and pink, mismatched armour?”

“That’s the one. He’s actually a thousand-cycle-old battlemaster. I’ve seen him rip a Marauder in half using his biotics. If you ever ask about his armour, he’ll tell you he wears it because he likes to brawl with idiots dumb enough to ask him about it. The truth is, it’s so the enemy underestimates him, but don’t be fooled, Garrus. Wrex sent him as his lead battlemaster for a reason. Trust me, no one makes the mistake of underestimating Ravenor Barl more than once.”

Garrus nodded as he raised his hand to bring the small company to a halt at the edge of the forest. The shed stood forty metres ahead. He turned to them. “Liara, Kenneth, and Tali, wait here until we assess the situation. Primarch, James, you’re with me.” 

They moved up, coming in at an oblique angle despite the fact that Garrus didn’t expect any armed resistance. The threat here was of a completely different sort. A powerful kinetic barrier surrounded the building at a radius of about seven metres. He brought up his omnitool, tweaking his overload to bring it down.

“You’ll want to get back,” he warned Victus and James. “This could arc, and if it does, you’re going to feel like you bit into a live power cable.”

They nodded and backed away, giving him lots of space.

He keyed in a few more adjustments, but then just as he started to back away, the barrier exploded into searing arcs of electricity that ripped along his armour. His entire body, every single muscle, seized like he’d been hit by lightning. A strangled sort of agonized yelp escaped as his jaws clamped shut, two teeth piercing his tongue.

“Garrus?” Victus ran over to him just as the seizure turned into the stinging of a hundred thousand nettles. “Spirits. Are you all right?”

“He’s fine, it was just a particularly strong overload.” A skinny, red-headed bundle of fury stormed past them both. “Imagine my surprise to show up at 0800 to discover that my XO circumvented my orders and left an hour early.” She grabbed the yoke of his armour, yanking him down until his face was level with hers. “Get your ass back with Liara and the second team. James, with me.” She shoved him away.

Garrus went down on one knee. “Shepard . . ..”

She glanced over at him, the molten fury in her eyes clamping his mouth shut. “You really don’t want to get into this with me here, Garrus. I decide the risks I take. I decide.” She glanced behind them. “Fall back, and use a dose of medigel. You’re bleeding.” He saw her glance over her shoulder at Adrien, her chest heaving, her pulse pounding in her throat. “You should pull back too, Primarch.”

Adrien shook his head and laid a hand on Garrus’s shoulder. “It’s okay, pull back. I’ve got her six.”

“So do I, Scars.” James moved up. “Fall back and give your teeth a chance to stop glowing. We’ll look after _Madrecita_.”

Garrus stumbled back as Shepard shoved past him, her body language telling him that she was done worrying about who was where. Activating her omnitool, she scanned the interior of the shed, but as Garrus moved away, he couldn’t see the readouts clearly enough to tell whether or not the equipment was inactive. He limped backwards toward Liara and Tali, waiting for the other shoe to drop as Shepard hacked the lock then took cover, motioning for James to do so on the other side. 

Waving Victus to get behind her, Shepard counted down: three . . . two . . . one . . . then palmed the control.

“What in name of . . .?” Adrien stepped forward.

Garrus stopped as Shepard leaned out of cover. “Stay back, Primarch,” Shepard said, peering inside. “I see something,” she reported. “Sinuous lines, definitely reaper tech, but damn, it’s dark.” Stepping into the doorway, she turned on her flashlight, and Garrus’s heart stopped.

“Shepard, what are you doing?” Garrus growled through the radio. He leaned on one knee, trying to regain his breath.

“Investigating.” The channel closed as she moved further into the shed. A moment later, Shepard gasped. “EDI?” 

“ _Madre de Dios_ ,” James grumbled. “This is where she ended up?”

For a good five minutes, nothing moved. Garrus cursed the shaking in his limbs. He should be in there with her. Then she appeared in the doorway. 

“Okay.” She looked over at him, but didn’t meet his eyes. “We need to find a way to shut down power. Second squad. See if you can find where power comes into this building and cut it. I’ll look in here.” She shook her head when James and Victus tried to follow her in. “You gentlemen wait out here and keep back. I have no idea what I’m--”

Garrus halted midturn, his mouth open to command his team when Shepard just stopped. An ear-piercing feedback squeal ripped through the air, bending everyone double, their hands pressed over their ears. Garrus went down on one knee, feeling as though hooks pulled his brain out either ear. He looked up, even his eyesight vibrating, seeing everyone fall to their knees, supplicants begging for mercy from a vengeful and vociferous god.

Everyone but Shepard. Garrus stumbled toward her even as he tried to block out the electronic shriek burrowing into his head. Shepard stood frozen, her entire body stiff, not even her eyes moving. As he watched, horrified, her cheeks split open, the web of healed scars bursting apart to reveal the cybernetics beneath. Blood poured down her skin as her mouth opened, the voice coming out not her own, but genderless, emotionless . . . soulless.

_"Deadline achieved. 0900 Earth Standard Time. Preliminary adjustments to master implant complete. Final adjustments to upload frequency in three . . . two . . . one."_

“What the hell?” Garrus stepped forward, trying to comprehend the situation as time slowed to a crawl. Where his vision had still been blurry from the overload, it sharpened to crystal clarity. He tried to move, unable to get his feet untangled and moving fast enough even after the feedback cut out as quickly as it started.

Shepard moved, seeming to be able to wrestle some amount of control for a moment, and looked at him, her mouth moving with a silent word. “Run!” 

Her head turned to Adrien and James, who were so much closer, each movement she made painfully slow, broken, jarring like someone forcing rusted metal as she fought off the paralysis, trying to warn them even as they leaped to help her.

Garrus turned to the others. “Run… get as much distance as you can! Adrien! James! Leave her! Get out of there!”

Shepard’s face screwed into a grimace of pure agony as she fought whatever held her, but she manage to mouth, “Concussive blast.”

_“Power up in five . . ..”_

Garrus raised his gun, switching to concussive rounds, setting the spread as wide as he could, then took aim and prayed he didn’t kill either man. 

_“. . . four . . ..”_

The blast hit them and sent them flying, but not far enough. Garrus knew that the moment his eyes looked back into Shepard’s.

“Run!” Again that silent command.

He stared at her, the idea of leaving her a spear of ice that froze him to the spot. No, absolutely not. He shook his head. “I’m not leaving you. You don’t get to send me away again.”

_“. . . three . . ..”_

Her mouth moved again. “Our daughters.”

Garrus let out a half roar, half keen. His mind knew he needed to be there for Lenka; his duty and loyalty demanded that he obey; but his heart . . . his heart remained tethered inside that shed, and try as he might, he couldn’t pull away. 

_“. . . two . . ..”_

Her eyes held his, begging him to save himself, to be there for Lenka, for their baby, and for whatever remained of her when it was over. He took a breath that sliced him straight down the middle, and, with a wrench that tore half of him loose, he turned, bolting for the forest.

_“. . . one. Artifact power up commencing.”_ A blast of sound and air and energy ripped across the space between the Garrus and the shed, the sheer power and volume of it like a freight train barrelling down on him. He dove behind the closest tree, the massive trunk bowing and cracking from the force, but blessedly staying upright. 

He laid on the ground for a moment after it passed, then pushed himself up. “Everyone, report in.” He ran back out into the clearing, forcing himself to ignore the pull toward the shed, not daring to even look over at Shepard until he got to Adrien and James. If there was anything left of Shepard, he wouldn’t be able to leave her once he got to her. He gasped, a single sob, then gritted his teeth and kept running.

“Liara and Tali, okay,” Liara reported.

“Donnelly still here, sir.”

“Get the shuttle and Dr. Chakwas. James and the primarch need medical attention.” He hit the ground next to Victus, finding the primarch looking up into his eyes.

“They’re so angry,” Victus gasped, his voice thin, breathy with a deep rattle that told Garrus the primarch was bleeding into his lungs. “The dead. They’re all here, and they’re so angry. Got to open the door.” He coughed, blue spattering his face and the front of Garrus’s armour.

“Take it easy, Adrien,” Garrus said, keeping his voice low and comforting. He laid gentle talons on Victus’s shoulder, but the other man let out a terrified, tormented shriek at the contact. Garrus snatched the hand back to hover uselessly in midair as the primarch choked on his own blood. 

“Spirits, Shepard,” Garrus groaned. “What the hell have you done?”

Liara and Tali ran up, heading for James. “He’s unconscious,” Liara called over. “Dr. Chakwas and the shuttle are on the way. Will be here in a second.”

Tali came over and knelt next to Victus. “Go see to Shepard, Garrus,” she said softly.

Victus looked up at Tali, and his mandibles fluttered. “Humans have angels. We have to open the door.” When Tali stroked his fringe, he didn’t scream but calmed a little. “Are you an angel?” He looked back to Garrus. “I killed my son, Garrus.” Blood frothed out the side of his mouth. “I killed my son, and he’s so angry. We need to open the third door.”

“He doesn’t seem homicidal,” Garrus said, “but don’t take any chances, Tali.”

She nodded and laid her other hand on her sidearm. “I’ll keep an eye on him. Dr. Chakwas will be here in a minute. Go to Shepard.”

He stared into the sparks of her eyes, struggling to find the strength to look back to the shed. After a moment, he shoved himself to his feet, turning on wooden legs, his stare remaining glued to Tali even as his body turned. After a couple of breaths, he tore his eyes away, then stopped, frozen with his breath caught in his lungs. 

Shepard stood in the exact position as before. She appeared to shimmer, and for a second he stared in confusion before realizing that another barrier had erected itself around the shed. Slowly, talons dragging through the ground cover, he started walking, his body leaning forward as if pulled toward her, his legs needing to speed up just to keep him balanced and upright.

“Shepard?” He slammed into the barrier without trying to stop, sliding down onto his knees. 

She stared at him, blood and tears streaming over her skin. He could see her struggling to move, to open her mouth, but she didn’t need to speak. Her eyes said everything. How sorry she was. How much pain she was in, How worried she was for everyone.

“Adrien and James are okay,” he said. “A little loopy, but okay. They’re not trying to kill anyone. Everyone else is fine.” He looked at the barrier, reaching up to test it with his talons as he stood. “What’s going on? It’s not over?”

She managed a slight twitch of her head to either side.

_“Artifact at fifty percent power and climbing,”_ that completely neutral voice spoke from Shepard’s unmoving lips. _“Pre-firing sequence activated.”_

Shepard turned to face the artifact, a horrible, sinuous undulation of blue-black against the darkness of the shed. Like an internal organ pulled from a monster, it pulsed, appearing alive despite the fact that he knew it couldn’t be alive. The reapers and everything connected to them were dead.

He looked back to Shepard. A spot at the base of her skull, right under the nearly faded scar, began to glow. “Spirits,” he whispered. “That doctor . . .. What did he do to you, Shepard?” Garrus shook his head. No, Shepard wasn’t reaper tech. 

His heart fell, a memory lurching to the surface. The Illusive Man’s base, before the attack on Earth. EDI. EDI had been based on the VI from Luna and tech salvaged from Sovereign. No. No, not Shepard. Damn if it didn’t make sense, though. How else could they have brought her back from the dead? And now somehow, Balak had managed to co-opt her implants.

Months of insanity suddenly crystallized like a knife that ripped through his gut, spilling everything onto the ground in a bloody mass. The voice Shepard heard while in her coma, Balak always knowing where the Normandy was, her body rejecting her implants, his being able to speak in her mind . . . all about turning her into this . . . this weapon. 

The last Reaper. 

He slammed his fists into the barrier, hammering all his rage against the shimmering barricade. If there was a god, it was a cruel, twisted bastard. After everything she’d been through to defeat them, everything she suffered . . ..

“Fight it, Shepard. Don’t let him do this to you.” His talons screamed down the barrier, the energy cutting through his gloves and burning his skin.

_“Full power achieved,”_ that terrible voice reported. _“Uplink achieved, Relaying final command codes. Arming firing sequence.”_

Garrus stared in numb horror as the glow at the base of Shepard’s skull grew brighter and brighter. The skin above it burned bright red then began to smoke. He bashed himself against the barricade, feeling injuries without the pain. His forearm cracked, a rib popped, his wrist dislocated. He possessed no agony to spare for his body, his soul consuming it all.

“Garrus!” Liara called over the radio. “The shuttle is here.”

He glanced over his shoulder, seeing Dr. Chakwas and one of the turian doctors jump out, accompanied by Ghyrus and several of the guards. They ran over to Adrien and James, needing no input from him, so he turned back to Shepard.

“We’ve got to get them back to the compound,” Liara called, her voice sounding like it echoed down a long tunnel.

“Not without Shepard!”

“Garrus, if we wait, we could lose them. They’re both in bad shape.”

He slammed his fists against the barrier. “Fine, but it comes right back with Dr. Chakwas.”

“Understood.”

Shepard turned to face him, her limbs moving with that horrible, rusted puppet jerkiness.

_“Firing sequence armed.”_

She stared at him, her eyes pleading. 

“G . . . Gar . . ..” Her jaw chattered as if she were freezing, but he knew it was from the sheer effort it took to override what was being done to her body. Each stuttering sound tore a hole through him. “G . . . get b . . . b . . . ba . . . ck.”

When he didn’t move, tears streamed through the blood on her cheeks once more. “P . . .p . . . pl . . . plea . . . se. “

He dashed himself against the barrier once more, letting out a terrible, guttural roar of denial before backing away. Each step felt like dying, his heart racing but leaving his limbs numb, his breathing rapid and yet leaving him airless. Pride in her strength warred with cold, dead helplessness. He couldn’t save her. Once again, all he could do was pick up what pieces remained. 

“Everyone move back!” he shouted into his radio. “Get into the shuttle or the forest and get down!”

_“Main sequence engaged. Firing in three . . . two . . .._

His mate’s eyes never left his. 

“I . . . I . . . love . . . y . . . you,” she stuttered.

Garrus turned and ran. “Keep the shuttle on the ground! Close it!”

He managed three more strides before a blast of energy swept him from the ground as if he weighed no more than a leaf and tossed him through the air. He slammed into the ground hard enough that he felt three more ribs give way, and his cracked arm shattered. He rolled over and over, eventually sliding to a halt. Gasping, his lungs straining to take in any air at all, he looked up and turned his head toward the shed.

A searing beam of red light, so very like a reaper laser, shot out of the shed, streaming out into space, the air crackling and sizzling, filling his nostrils with the scorched ozone stench of a heavy lightning strike.

A peel of thunder broke over them, so loud that it drove him into the trembling ground, the planet seeming to have cracked in half. The deafening roar lasted so long, he thought it might drive him mad.

Then absolute silence.


	47. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the heck was that thing?

**August 14, 2187**

The horrible silence tore at Garrus’s aural canals as he lay, staring at the spot where the beam had been. He realized that he was staring into the sun and looked away, blinking against the dark spot in his vision. Once his head stopped ringing enough for him to form thought and intent, he crawled toward the shed, his good arm scrabbling at the ground. He wrestled with his feet, trying to untangle them and get them underneath him, moving forward.

Shepard lay half in, half out of the door, a small flame burning at the base of her skull. His legs folded, boneless and weak as he reached her side. Pressing his hand over the terrible black spot, he smothered the flame, burning his hand through his glove.

“Shepard?” His voice came out soft and weak, the greater part of him not wanting to know, basking in the bliss of ignorance. He rolled her into his arms, letting out a pent up breath that ground his broken ribs together. Her chest moved.

“Of course,” he whispered, bending to press his mouth to her brow, his gorge rising at the stench of charred flesh and silicone mixed with the meadow flower and spice tang of her skin. “Balak wouldn't want to kill his Vessel or Scion, would he?” The thought nearly sent his breakfast spewing onto the ground.

“Garrus?” The radio in his ear crackled, the air still charged enough to break up the doctor’s voice.

He glanced toward the shuttle. “Shepard . . . Shepard needs you, Doc.”

Dr. Chakwas ran over and crouched next to him, her omnitool flaring to life. “She’s alive, Garrus, just unconscious. She seems remarkably uninjured, and I’m reading a second heartbeat.” She turned to him, scanning him. “You, however, could use a few repairs.” She lifted a hand to her ear. “Bring the shuttle to us, please, Lt. Cortez.”

A moment later, Lt. Ghyrus and one of the other guards eased Shepard from his arms and onto a stretcher. While they carried her aboard the shuttle, Liara and Tali helped Garrus stand and limp to a seat.

“Has anyone been in contact with the _Normandy_?” Garrus asked. Without waiting, he opened a channel, praying the beam hadn’t been aimed at the ship. “Joker? You still there?”

“Still here, Garrus,” the pilot answered. “What the shit was that?”

“I don’t know. Are you able to track where it went?”

“It shot straight into the star’s corona.” He paused for a long moment. “If it travelled further than that, we can’t track it past that point. Scans aren’t reading any technology at that location. We’re running scans on the star itself to see if it was aimed at it, but so far everything is reading normal.”

“And the _Normandy_?” Garrus’s brain slammed the door on the beam’s intended use as theories pushed their way in. As long as nothing in the immediate vicinity exploded, more than enough reasons to worry already lay on stretchers across the floor of the shuttle.

“All systems normal considering a big-ass Reaper laser nearly took us out.”

“We’re on our way back to the compound. Shepard, Vega, and Primarch Victus are injured.”

“Understood. _Normandy_ out.”

Garrus sagged into the seat, then immediately regretted it as his broken ribs grated together, his vision streaking blue. Shock saturated his cells, leaving him trembling, bleaching the world until everything looked grey and strange. Wasn’t the most simple explanation supposed to be true? In his case, at that moment, the most simple explanation was insanity. Maybe he’d lost his mind and everything else since had been hallucination. He ran his good hand over his fringe then clenched it into a fist to still its shaking.

No such luck.

His broken arm curled in against his battered ribs as if they sought mutual protection. Looking down at Shepard, smoke still rising from her neck in slow curls, he didn’t know whether to be happy, terrified, or furious. She’d forced him to go behind her back, then acted out of anger when she caught up with them, and now . . ..

And now, what?

And now he knew that she had spent most of the past year being tormented and warped into a weapon, the likes of which she’d rather have died than become. Happy, terrified, and furious all disappeared in the face of sorrow. No matter what else, being used as a weapon would tear Shepard apart. Damn, were they just incredibly stupid imagining that they could finish the war and have a life afterwards that didn’t involved constant nightmares?

His brain laughed the answer to that question back at him.

The shuttle landed and he followed the stretchers to the exam room where someone, he couldn’t have said who, helped him out of his armour and onto a bed. Once he lay down, he stared at Shepard, who started twitching a little in her sleep. Damned nightmares couldn’t leave her be even while knocked unconscious. 

“Okay Garrus,” Dr. Chakwas said, “let’s get you fixed up.” She gave him a shot for the pain, and he drifted off, watching his mate wrestle with her demons, demons he now understood far too well.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Movement beside his bed brought Garrus back from the deep, dark pit of healing sleep that he’d tumbled into. He stretched, feeling as though somehow, the doc had given him back a couple of years of hard living.

“Welcome back,” Chakwas said, activating her omnitool. “How are you feeling?”

“Really okay. How much medigel did you give me?” He cautiously flexed his arm and ribs. “I feel like after I woke up when my face was shot off.”

“Enough. I remember how hard it is to keep you in bed.” She chuckled. “Remember how you felt the next day?” Nodding as he grumbled, she deactivated her omnitool. “Yeah, well, that’s coming tomorrow. So take it easy.”

He looked over to see that Shepard’s bed sat empty, then swung his feet off the side. “Where is she?”

“In her office.” Chakwas pushed a hand into his shoulder. “Hey! Take it easy, remember? Your ribs and arm are fragile.”

He slid down onto his feet, gingerly enough for the doctor to step back. “How’s she doing?”

“Physically, she’s fine. If they come harder and tougher than Shepard . . ..”

“Then they weren’t rebuilt by Cerberus using parts of a dead Reaper?” Garrus finished for her.

Chakwas gave him a disapproving scowl. “Mentally and emotionally, however, she’s fragile, terrified, furious, and worried as hell about your baby.” The doctor sighed. “Take it easy on her. She’s just been violated in one of the worst possible ways, Garrus. Her mental state has eased back, but she’s still agitated and the voices are accusing her of everything in the book at this point.” She walked over to the primarch and scanned him. “You know Shepard; she carries the weight of the entire galaxy on her shoulders.”

“How are Victus and James doing?” He followed her, moving far more easily than he should have been. She was right. Tomorrow was going to be a bitch.

“I’m keeping them both sedated while their injuries heal. They’re too volatile when conscious. I’d have to restrain them to keep them in bed, and they’d just keep injuring themselves struggling.” She sighed and shook her head. “It doesn’t appear that they took as bad an indoctrination hit as Dr. Wright, but they’re still very unstable. I’m running tests to see exactly what is going on chemically. Maybe I can stabilize them with medication.”

“Do you think we should blow that artifact to hell?” He frowned as Victus twitched. If Adrien couldn’t return as primarch, it would set Palaven back considerably. As much as he didn’t want the job, Victus had done an outstandingly so far, and Garrus really liked his ideas for the future. Without Victus, who knew what would happen.

“I’m not sure what that would do to them. I want a chance to study their condition in more depth before we do anything that final,” Chakwas said. “I’m hopeful that we can find a treatment for indoctrination, if not a cure.” 

James seemed to be sleeping quietly, so Garrus nodded and walked to the door. “If they get any worse, I won’t hesitate though.”

The doctor nodded. “Agreed.”

Garrus nodded and walked out into the hallway.

He found Shepard sitting at her desk, staring out the window. Rain streaked the pane, partially blocking out the darkening sky. She glanced at him, giving him just enough time to see how red and swollen her eyes were before she turned back.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, her voice thick and nasal.

“Fine. Dr. Chakwas has me fairly high on medigel right now.” He walked to the window and looked out. “How about you?”

She shrugged. “Considering, I can’t really complain, can I? The baby is okay, and you’re okay.” Her breath hiccoughed. “James and Adrien are still breathing. The crazy has backed off. Now I just have to catalogue being turned into a Reaper weapon and used to do who the hell knows what.” 

“You shouldn’t have been there.” The words felt as grey and dark as the sky as they tumbled from his mouth. “I tried to keep you from being there.”

“Yeah, you know me so well, Garrus.” She stood and turned away from him. “The absolute best way to ensure that I don’t do something is to pat me on the head and then sneak around behind my back.”

“Wounded pride? Is that what is lying in the other room?” The anger from the night before returned, clenching his jaw like a vice. He tried to force himself to relax, knowing that if he started yelling, all they’d do is bash heads. Part of him wanted to. Damn it, she deserved to hear how badly she’d fucked up, to have her feet held to the fire for not just letting him handle it.

The more reasonable part of his brain knew that she had no more choice about what she did than he did. That part lost.

“I thought we were past this crap!” Garrus said through a throat tighter than his clenched fists. “I thought we were done with the charge in, to hell with the consequences, shit.” He turned like a storm cloud bursting through the window and leaned across her desk. “It’s been sort of nice living with someone who doesn’t feel like a grenade about to go off at any second.” He slammed the heel of his hand down on the desk, regretting it even before the pain sliced up the bone. “Are we going back there? Damn it, Shepard. I really don’t want to go back there.” He shoved himself away and paced back to the door, a hand running over his fringe. As furious as she’d made him, anger wasn’t the issue. 

Having expressed itself, the furious part of his brain settled, muttering to itself as he took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders. He needed to calm down enough to just talk to her. They could scream until they were hoarse, but in the end, she’d just keep bucking against him. He needed a route through to sanity.

Shepard just stood, perfectly still on the other side of the desk, the terrible charred spot on the back of her neck staring at him like an accusing eye, demanding to know why he hadn’t seen what was happening to her earlier. His breath hiccoughed in his throat. He’d been too busy letting her pretend that she was okay. No, he’d been too busy pretending that she was okay.

“I was trying to protect you,” he said, keeping his voice measured and calm. “We don’t know how much indoctrination signal you’ve been around. For all we knew, this could have been the exposure that threw you over the edge. We know how much I’ve been exposed to, because I always sat around on my hands while you were dealing with the worst of the Reaper shit.” Garrus threw a furious hand in her direction, years of frustration cracking through to boil on the surface once again.

Shepard’s shoulders squared and went rigid. “We had a plan, goddammit, because we had no idea what was in that damned shed! You go in alone, open it up, take a hit from the same thing that sent Wright over the edge, and then what? An hour later, I show up with to find you, Victus and your squad all lying dead around something that I’ve then got to try to shut down alone? What the hell am I supposed to do when you throw yourself on the sword meant for me? You’re not expendable, Garrus.”

“Neither are you!” He went rigid, struggling to keep from punching something, his right hand twitching with the need to bury itself in something. Anything to not be so damned impotent, so damned helpless to break through her stubbornness, to make her see reason. “What am I supposed to do without you, Shepard? We both know how well that’s worked out for me both times.” He spun away from her and stormed to the door, managing to stop his mending arm from hitting it at the last second. “And dammit, my primarch isn’t expendable either. He wanted to come along, fine. I intended to leave him back with the squad. But no, you come in, pissed as hell at me and threw him into the line of fire just to what?”

“I told him to stay back with you. Of course I don’t think Adrien is expendable.” Her shoulders rose, sharpening. “If you’d been more focused on the mission instead of saving your poor, frail wife, he might have been okay.”

He laughed, but it came out so angry that it almost frightened him. “Oh no, let’s just leave that one alone. You flew in, nearly electrocuted me out of spite, and then bulldozed through the mission with complete disregard for the rest of us. You let Adrien step into the line of fire, not me, and why, Shepard? To make me jealous? Get back at me in some petty way for trying to protect you?” He shook his head and turned away, looking out the window. “It’s beneath you, Shepard.”

“You’d be the expert in pulling crap that’s beneath you, wouldn’t you?” Her words sliced the air, daggers coated in poison, as she dragged his indiscretion with Tella out of the drawer. She spun around to face him, her eyes wild, but not with anger. 

He tilted his head back and let out a bitter cough of air. “Yeah, well. Fine. You want to beat me with that for a bit, Shepard, you go right ahead, but there’s a statute of limitations on how long you get to do that before I just refuse to let you.” He leaned against the window sill and let out a long sigh. “We both fucked up today, but I get to try to protect you sometimes, Shepard. I get to try to protect our children.”

He looked into her eyes again, and saw her searching. For what? Her whole body trembled, and suddenly he realized that her posture didn’t say anger. It screamed guilt. The search was about finding ways to make him angry.

He straightened, warmth and love replacing the fear and anger. “I’m your mate, but even as your XO, I get to protect my captain from taking stupid risks when there are other options. You can’t fire me from the mate gig, but if you can’t deal with an XO who will stand up to you when you do something insane, find someone else.” 

His heart squeezed tight as he said the words, but dammit, he was right about this. He’d been hand-holding and nurse-maiding for over a year. As willing as he remained to look after her forever, if he didn’t start calling her on her shit, she was going to get herself killed.

“I was right!” Shepard shouted, a short wail of agony following it. “I was right. If you’d walked in there, that blast would have taken you full force.”

“Or maybe nothing at all would have happened,” Garrus said, keeping his voice as calm and expressionless as he could. “You triggered it. Whatever that beam did wouldn’t have happened because you wouldn’t have been there to run that thing.” He collapsed down to lean against the top of the desk again, exhausted and heartsick. The half of himself he’d felt tear away as he left her in that shed, remained on the other side of the desk, refusing to return to where it belonged, because she needed him to beat her for everything she felt she’d done or caused. He couldn’t do it, and the only thing he could think of to stop it was to put her greatest fear out in front of her, make her face it.

Shepard stared at him for a moment, her expression one of such complete torment that it slammed straight through his carapace and strangled his heart. She shook her head. “I don’t know. When it hit me, I couldn’t move or act. I couldn’t stop it.” Tears began raining down her cheeks. “I couldn’t do anything. I tried to stop it.” She raised her fists to her temples, banging them against her head. “I tried to stop it. I couldn’t do anything.”

Garrus let out a long breath and shoved himself upright. He walked around the desk and took her wrists in gentle talons, pulling them away. “You did something, Shepard.”

She looked up into his eyes, clinging to them with such desperate hope that everything else vanished in the face of it. His fierce little goddess had just, as always, been trying to keep him from taking the hit. No matter what else in their lives changed, he suddenly knew that would remain a fight he never won.

He released her wrists and pressed his hands against her cheeks, caressing her cheekbones with his thumbs. “You broke free long enough to warn me to pull everyone back. If that shuttle had taken off, Shepard . . ..” He shook his head. “If you hadn’t been strong enough to break free, we would have lost everyone there.”

She took a step into him. The way her lips quivered even though she’d pressed them into a thin, controlled line, filled him with the need to kiss them until all the burdens she carried like boulders balanced one atop the other, fell away. If only that was possible.

“And what of the people who died, or are going to die because of whatever the hell that beam did, Garrus? What about all of them?” She turned and stalked away, her shoulders set like quills to keep empathy and comfort at bay.

He followed her, pulling her in against him. “When we know what the beam did, we deal with it, Shepard. We do whatever we can to help when the time comes. What else can we do?”

“When am I going to stop fucking up, Garrus?” The words came out like she choked on them. “When are people going to stop dying because of my decisions?” She suddenly collapsed back against him, staggering him a little.

He clenched his jaw, his eyes burning, but he took a deep breath as he leaned down to press his mouth to her ear. “Never, Shepard. For whatever reason, you’ve been placed in the eye of the storm--set on a path to make decisions that govern the fates of millions. Someone who makes those decisions . . . well, they never escape death.” He gripped her tight. “But, I will always be right here with you. We’ll face the decisions and their consequences together. Always.”

She turned in his arms and wrapped herself around him, clinging tight. “I’m sorry.”

He nodded. “I know, and so am I.” He held her, his hand stroking the short, new hair on the back of her head. “You were right about one of us needing to be okay, to stay out of harm’s way. I just . . ..”

“You want to protect me. I know. I want to protect you too.” She let out a long, phlegmy sigh. “And you were right. If I’d stayed away, none of it would have happened. Adrien and James would be okay, that thing wouldn’t have done whatever it did. I risked everything for stubborn pride.”

“Shepard, you know that isn’t true.”

She pulled away and punched him, but it just bounced off him. She hadn’t put any heat into it. “Stop it. Stop treating me like some pathetic, broken thing. Tell me that you told me so, because you did.” She pushed past him, and he saw her shoulders shaking as she faced the door. “I need you to give me shit for getting two good men hurt, and unleashing . . . whatever . . . on the galaxy.”

He followed her, but made no move to touch her. She’d just shrug him off anyway. “No, Shepard, you don’t. You’re giving yourself more than enough for both of us.” His resolve not to touch her didn’t make it to his hand and he reached up, laying it on her shoulder, but as he knew she would, she ducked out from under it.

“It’ll never be enough, Garrus. It will never be enough.”

Now, his blood rose again. “Is that it?” He shrugged, cutting the air with an exasperated chuff. “We survive the war, fight through all this shit to have a life, and you’re just going to give up on me? What about Lenka? What about the baby? You just going to check out on us, because you haven’t got the guts to make a mistake, pick yourself up one more time and move on?”

She glanced over her shoulder, then opened the door. “I’m going to go sit with Adrien and James.”

“What are we going to do about that device, Shepard?” He followed.

“I don’t know what destroying it will do.” She shrugged. “I need to think on it. I’ll let you know.”

Letting her go, he followed at a distance. He knew Gira and his father were in with James and Adrien, so she didn’t need him hanging over her. Whatever else activating the device had done, it had reset the level of crazy in her head back down to a tolerable level.

He scowled. When they’d arrived, she’d felt it right away. Hell, he’d felt it right away: a tickle at the base of his skull, like on the reaper corpse. But his never escalated beyond that. Hers had become so strong that not even being away from the planet stopped it.

“What if she triggered it the moment she stepped on the planet?” He let out a puff of air. “Then the reason she kept getting worse was because it was powering up. What if it would have fired no matter where she was?” he asked the empty hallway as the exam room door closed behind Shepard. Balak couldn’t have known she’d find the shed. All he would have been able to count on was that she’d land. All he’d ever been able to know is that Shepard would return to Pertexa.

Garrus sighed. “Shit. What did that voice say?” He turned around and went back into the office. He sat behind Shepard’s desk and activated his omnitool, calling up his hardsuit recording.

_"Deadline achieved. 0900 Earth Standard Time. Preliminary adjustments to master implant complete. Final adjustments to upload frequency in three . . . two . . . one."_

He paused the playback and leaned back. The damned thing was counting down, building power from the moment she hit the ground. It would have gone off no matter what. If Shepard hadn’t come, he would have been in that shed, both teams out in the open. They would have all been hit without any warning, and likely all killed by the second blast. Crazed and angry as she’d been, she’d saved them all. Damn.

He jumped up, striding after Shepard, bursting through the door into the exam room, she needed to know, but then his words died in his throat.

Shepard, sat in a chair between the two men’s beds, holding their hands. Her head hung down as if it had fallen off, and someone just awkwardly balanced it back there so she wouldn’t be seen without it. A sound echoed through the room, sharp and jagged--massive shards of glass being torn from her throat. The pain in that noise grated him raw like being dragged across a half klick of razor blades. Not even in her private hell had he heard his beautiful, fierce little goddess cry like that, not that horrible, ‘soul bleeding out on the floor’ sobbing.

And suddenly, nothing else mattered. He strode forward, but before he reached her, Gira grabbed his arm, stopping him. Scowling, he tugged at her grip.

“Let her grieve, Garrus. She needs this time.” The female nodded and pulled him over toward where Herros sat, where they had both been keeping watch. “Come, none of us are leaving her.” She wrapped her arm around him and led him to the bench, sitting him down next to his father.

Herros wrapped his arm around Garrus’s shoulders, pulling him in tight against his side, tears shining on his face. Garrus let out a long breath, leaning gratefully into his father’s embrace as he looked back, his eyes drawn to his mate as she wrestled with the weight of the entire galaxy, life, death, and being violated in a horrifying way.

Balak would burn. That rage settled deep into the pit of Garrus’s belly. Balak would burn for turning Shepard into the very thing she’d fought so hard to destroy.


	48. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The third door creeps open.

**August 14, 2187**

 

Adrien twitched and murmured in his sleep. Although Shepard couldn’t understand most of it, the primarch repeated his youngest son’s name far too often for her to doubt whose voice he heard inside his head. She held his hand, gently stroking his brow until he calmed a little. On her other side, James tugged at the restraints that held him to the table. Even unconscious, he had become so distraught that restraints were the only way to keep him from hurting himself.

Shepard had tried to calm him, but her touch only seemed to make things worse, so she just sat there, praying that the doctors figured something out to help them.

“No!” Victus began to twitch, striking out at things only he could see and hear. “Tarquin . . ..” The rest of the words faded off, incoherent.

“Shhh,” Shepard soothed. “It’s not really him. Tarquin is at peace.”

_“Right, like I am.”_ Ashley laughed. _“Like we all are. All the mistakes ever made. All the guilt hanging around everyone’s necks. All at rest, right?”_ The gunnery chief’s laugh turned even colder. _“Look over at your mate, Skipper. You think all his ghosts are resting peacefully?”_ She scoffed. _“Not likely, and he doesn’t even need to get hit by an artifact to have his ghosts haunt him. They hang off him like millstones, but you’re too wrapped up in your own shit to even remember that, aren’t you?”_

Shepard turned and looked over at Garrus. He, Gira, and Herros had fallen asleep on the bench, Gira curled up and leaning against Garrus, Garrus against Herros’s side. They stirred a little, but then all just settled back into a more comfortable position and kept sleeping. 

She watched Garrus. He kept such a strong front for her, and she allowed it. She’d gone with him to face Sidonis, kept him from murdering the best part of himself, but what had she really done to help him deal with what happened on Omega? Nothing. During the war, he went through every circle of hell at her side, propping her up, carrying her when she faltered, and she’d left him to deal with it on his own. Then she’d left him again.

When she came back, she acted as though that ought to fix everything, but it didn’t. Damn, she was a self-centered, self-pitying dumbass sometimes.

A gravelly chuckle emanated from the back corner of the room. “We all can be. We get wrapped up in our own pain and our own agendas, becoming blind to the people around us.”

She turned to look in that direction, her stomach turning over and dropping into her feet. Balak sat by the washroom door, his legs crossed in front of him, his hands resting on his knees. A peaceful smile curved his lips.

Tightening her grip on Adrien’s talons in a protective reflex, Shepard stared across the room at the indecently happy ghoul. She huffed a little, but covered it with a cough. She couldn’t engage the hallucination there. Not with everyone keeping an eye on her. The best she could do was attempt to bore straight through his head with a laser made of pure hatred.

“What do you imagine the Reapers did out there in dark space for the tens of thousands of cycles between harvests?” The gleam in his eyes intensified, shifting from beatific to hungry. He poised still as death, but an energy emanated off him that felt like billions of weevils crawling under her skin. A decaying madness suffused the room, building until it took her entire will not to run. “It’s both naive and ridiculous to believe they just floated out there in some sort of hibernation.”

A sad, infinitely patient sigh met her stoic refusal to answer. “Surely a purpose as grand and as massive in scope as theirs amounted to more than some sort of galactic clean-up every fifty thousand cycles. They sought understanding, a solution to the problem of organic and machine life coexisting. They were scientists, not janitors. Constant data retrieval and analysis, experimentation, technological progression, manufacture--since they created the relays and Citadel--even reproduction through the harvests.” The smile returned, but it was coy. “What does that suggest to you, Shepard?”

A scowl forced its way onto her face, dread sculpting her frozen features. Surely he didn’t mean . . .? “Civilization?” She glanced toward the turians, but they continued sleeping, undisturbed.

Balak’s entire body suddenly appeared charged with electricity, barely controlled energy, his manic smile returning as he nodded eagerly. “You see it too?”

“I see madness,” she replied, trying to disguise the words as a sigh. Madness with terror hiding within the creases of possibility. A Reaper civilization? If such a thing existed, the possibilities and implications stretched far beyond terror, looping back around to madness. The room dipped and circled around her until she pressed her eyelids closed and focused on taking slow, deep breaths. Balak was mad. No Reaper civilization. No further threat.

“Madness? Is it madness to suppose that if they sought understanding amidst the people and civilizations of this galaxy, that they did so in other galaxies as well? Imagine a hundred galaxies with a hundred Citadels.”

Shepard allowed herself to imagine the enormity and horror of what he suggested for a moment, then pulled back, her heart pounding like a terrified rabbit’s. No, there weren’t sufficient numbers of Reapers for that many harvests. Her mind rejected the math. How many harvests? How many taken each time? How many would have been taken this time? Ten to fifteen? Splinters of doubt pierced her.

“Perhaps, like the civilizations we know, the Reapers assigned varying units to varying theatres of war. Perhaps these were one battalion, perhaps the entire race.” Balak shrugged. “Either way, imagine the possibilities of a civilization left behind by the Reapers, Shepard. Technology to bring about paradise.”

Shepard just shook her head. Paradise? Out of anything created by the Reapers? No, complete destruction more like. If they had a civilization in dark space, the only reason to visit would be to deliver a thousand or so very, very large bombs.

“Everything that happened has to have been for a purpose, Shepard! Surely, you must see this.” He clambered to his feet, ungainly in his haste. “My people cannot have vanished into nothing without some greater reason for being. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, strength and beauty, art, war, culture . . ..” His voice lowered to a whisper. “It can’t all have been for nothing.”

He grinned again, his teeth glinting sharp and maniacal in the dim light. “I fell into despair. Your people entering the galactic community threw my people into chaos and disgrace, so I struck out. Terra Nova was a mistake. I see that now. After you stopped me from destroying the colony, I found my way into the highest tiers of my people, of our government, and there, I found the answer. Your people were a test of our resolve. The Leviathan of Dis was our means to glory, to ascend past all the other races.” He threw his arms into the air as if lifting his people to their ascension, then let them settle back down to his sides, the weight too much to bear. “If my people had proved wiser and taken steps to avoid indoctrination, they could have risen to heights unimagined. Instead, they were destroyed by their own folly, as all fools must be.” 

Pacing back and forth a little, he ordered his thoughts with punctuated hand gestures. “I found plans decoded from the Leviathan. A great bridge leading to dark space: their master plan for invasion if the Citadel failed. It is my destiny to open that bridge, Shepard.” His face fell for a moment, and he looked down. “My people were the sacrifice necessary to obtain the knowledge of the bridge.” His eyes returned to her and he nodded, his fervour like scalding water against her skin. “All gods demand sacrifice, Shepard. You know this.”

Shepard glanced toward the sleeping turians, then whispered. “And now? If it was their master plan, why didn’t they use it?”

He shrugged, apparently casting that aside as a technicality. “Now, the gates will open, and Heaven’s Bridge will be revealed. We will travel through it together, Shepard, and we will discover what they left us . . . our reward for proving strong enough to cast our gods down. Now we ascend, Shepard.” He strode over to lay his hand on her stomach.

Leaping up, Shepard knocked the chair over in her scramble to get away from the madman’s touch. “How? How will you open them, Balak? What did that beam do?”

Unfazed, Balak smiled at her. “Now the Scion comes to lead us along the path, so that when Heaven’s Bridge appears, we’re ready to pass through. Because of you, the third gate now creeps open, Shepard.”

She stepped into him. “How? What did the beam do? What did I do?”

“Shepard?” Garrus called from behind her. She heard him stand and walk a couple of steps toward her.

Shepard backed away from Balak, keeping her eyes on the batarian as she did, breaking away only when she turned toward Garrus. She stared into his confusion and worry, meeting it with a resolute and grim smile, her will galvanizing. 

“Get EDI’s processors out of that shed, then . . . Blow. That. Thing. To. Hell.” Each word dropped like a gallow’s trap door, the silence between the body hitting the end of the rope.

After holding her gaze for a moment, Garrus’s mandibles spread and fluttered. He gave a single nod then spun and strode out the door.

Shepard turned back to Balak, stalking toward him, holding those black eyes in a stare as hard and cold as arctic bedrock. She didn’t speak until her face was pressed right into his. “Tell me what that beam did.”

“There’s nothing you can do to stop it now, Shepard. What’s done is done.” He shook his head, provoking a rolling boil of fury in her chest, her throat burning as acid crawled upward from her belly.

When he stepped back, she pressed forward. “You will have no hold on this place. You will have no hold on me. I will fight you every step of the way, do you understand me, you raving lunatic? I don’t care how many cells you have in however many places. I will find them all, and I will wipe them out completely. I will obliterate them and salt the earth upon which they stood. And one day, when I’ve left you no place to hide, I will put a gun to your head, and I will pull the trigger.”

Balak reached up and touched her cheek. “One day, you will, and I’ll welcome it. But until then, the trials will come for us both. The next is the Trial of the Innocent. I can do nothing to stop it. Prepare yourself.”

Shepard slapped his hand aside and dropped her voice deep down into her throat. “Prepare yourself for hell, Balak, and get the fuck out of my face.” Her arm crept around her stomach, pressing close.

He vanished, and she bent over to retrieve her chair. 

The door at the other end of the room slammed open, startling Shepard as Dr. Chakwas and the turian physicians burst into the room. 

They turned the lights up full, and Shepard winced away from the sudden glare, throwing a hand up to shade her eyes. “Hey, give people some warning, Doc. What’s going on?” 

Karin and the others hurried over to Adrien. “We think we’ve made a breakthrough, Shepard. Over the past two days, I’ve taken constant scans of your brain, and we discovered something remarkable. While you were on your own, your scans showed a serious drop in neurotransmitters, most notably dopamine and serotonin. Several of the chemicals involved in pain processing, however, were elevated. When you were with Garrus or the others, your levels were still far from ideal, but they stabilized somewhat. That vocalization is at an exact frequency to stimulate the parts of the turian brain that govern production of their equivalent of these neurotransmitters. It doesn’t work as well for humans, of course, we’re very different.”

Shepard just let her hand drop and stared at the doctor with a slack jaw. “Bottom line it for me, Doc. I’ve had a crappy day.”

“We think that we can treat the primarch for certain, and perhaps even James using what we discovered. I just want your permission to try our theory.” She practically vibrated with excitement.

“Will it make him worse?” To Shepard, that remained the bottom line.

“We ran every simulation we could think of, and it should be safe,” Karin replied. “It’s just a cocktail of neurotransmitters and something to stimulate his body to produce more on its own. At worst, it should just do nothing. At best, it might just be the answer.” 

Dr. Chakwas held such hope and faith in her eyes that Shepard nodded. “Okay. Let’s hope it works.”

The doctor administered an injection, then they backed off to sit on one of the other benches, each of them activating their omnitools to scan Adrien constantly. Shepard sat back at the primarch’s side, his talons held in her hand once more.

“Come on, Adrien,” she whispered. “Come back to us.”

An hour later, the building trembled. Shepard knew that the reaper artifact had been destroyed, but more because the pressure at the base of her skull and Ashley’s voice just disappeared. She let out a long, soft sigh of relief and sank into her chair, feeling as though she’d been let off the rack.

“That was the artifact being destroyed, wasn’t it?” Karin asked. When Shepard nodded, the doctor let out a sigh of her own. “I didn’t realize it was affecting me until the pressure disappeared.”

After what felt like hours of worrying over the things Balak had told her, the tell-tale sound of Lenka’s footsteps running down the hall pulled Shepard from her thoughts. She turned toward the door just as Lenka burst through. She let out a sigh, a gentle smile ghosting across her lips as she held out her arms, capturing the little batarian in grateful hug.

“Oh my goodness, I missed you today.” She kissed Lenka’s brow softly, the child’s strong, little arms around her neck feeling like a life preserver tossed into heavy seas.

Lenka pulled back, looking worried and afraid. “Are you feeling better, Mommy?”

Shepard smiled and touched her forehead to Lenka’s. “I sure am, baby. All better. Especially now that my girl is here.” She looked up as Garrus entered the room and reached out a hand, praying that he wasn’t still furious with her. 

His mandibles fluttered as he strode over to her without hesitation, wrapping his long talons around her hand to pull her up out of her chair, gathering them both into his arms. Wrapping her arm around him, she tucked her head in against his chin the best she could. “I love you two,” she said.

Lenka kissed her cheek. “Can I go see Susie?”

Shepard smiled. “Sure, sweetie.” She let the child slide down onto her feet, then wrapped her other arm around Garrus. “You feeling better with that thing gone?” she whispered. When he nodded, she squeezed him. “Good.”

Garrus nodded toward the bench of doctors and omnitools. “What’s with the brain trust?”

“Dr. Chakwas and the other docs are trying something to help Adrien.” She turned her head to watch the two little girls chatting away in both words and sign language of a sort.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, has something to do with neurotransmitters and that vocal thing you were all doing to help me. It stimulates the brain to produce chemicals to help overcome the effects of indoctrination. God, I hope it works.” She leaned into him. “I want to go back to the Normandy tonight and just curl up in your arms on the bed. Think the universe will allow that?”

He chuffed. “I don’t care what it allows. We just do it.” He leaned down and pressed his mouth against her brow. “If this has shown me anything, Shepard, it’s that we’re going to have to fight for the good times. We were naive as hell thinking we’d just be able to retire and the universe would stop messing with us. We drew its attention, and we’re stuck with that.”

“It’s going to be worse when you’re primarch.”

Shepard grinned and spun around, her hand grabbing Adrien’s even as his other one reached up to press against his head. “Well, if it isn’t Primarch Victus,” she said, squeezing his talons gently. “It’s good to see you.” She looked up as Dr. Chakwas and the others hurried over, fingers tapping away at their omnitools.

His mandibles fluttered weakly. “I have a hell of a headache.” He pressed her hand against his chest. “Remind me to listen to you next time.”

Shepard chuckled and shook her head. “No more next times, Primarch. You’re off my ground team for good.” She bent and touched her brow to his. “I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head, his eyes drifting closed. “Nothing to be sorry for. You told me to stay back. Not your fault I’m an insubordinate idiot. Comes with being turned into a politician.” He pushed her hand away without letting go of it. “Go on, stop fussing over me, and go get some rest.” 

Shepard laid his hand on the bed next to him. “Yes, sir.”

He groaned. “What did I tell you about that?”

Grinning, she shrugged. “Just checking. Get your rest. You’d better be back on your feet tomorrow. Those fences aren’t going to build themselves.”

“I’m going to sleep in tomorrow.” Letting out a long breath, he drifted off. 

Looking up at Dr. Chakwas, Shepard asked, “Are you going to try it on James now, Doc?”

“I want to do some more scans. I’ll move him to the Normandy tomorrow so that I have all my lab equipment and facilities to care for him if it doesn’t work.” She moved over to James’s side and took readings.

“Come on,” Garrus said. “I’m enacting mate privilege and taking my family home for the night.” He wrapped his arm around Shepard’s shoulders and nuzzled her temple. “Go say goodnight to Susie, and let’s get the hell out of here.”

After leaning up to kiss his mandible, Shepard joined the two girls who were playing with dolls. Lenka had Jane, and Susie held one that had been moulded out of silicone to resemble her. 

The child held it up out of the water. “See, Seh-urd?”

Shepard chuckled. “I do. That’s a beautiful doll.”

Susie pointed to Lenka. “En-a.”

“Terion and I made it for her,” Lenka explained. “A best friend.”

Shepard kissed the little batarian on the top of her head. “That was very sweet of you, baby.” She motioned to Susie. “Come on up, and give me a kiss. It’s late, and we need to head up to bed.” She leaned over the edge of the tank for a soggy hug and kiss, then boosted Lenka up for one as well. “Goodnight, sweetie. We’ll see you in the morning.”

Susie waved and then scooted down in her tank, playing with her doll, a bright smile on her face.

When they walked out into the hall, Shepard crouched and pulled Lenka into her arms, hugging her tight. “I don’t tell you how amazing you are and how much I love you nearly enough.” She picked the child up and settled her on one hip.

Lenka giggled. “Do you love me more than Joker loves the Normandy?”

Shepard rubbed Lenka’s back and kissed her cheek. “I love you more than the stars love the sky.” She turned to reach up and caress Garrus’s mandible with the backs of her fingers, then wrapped her arm around him. “You two and the baby are my whole universe.” 

________________________________________________________________________

After dinner, Shepard tucked Lenka into bed, then headed in to take a shower. She turned the water on, then stripped down and just stood under it, letting it beat down on the back of her neck. The door opened, and she smiled as Garrus entered, having been afraid he wouldn’t. When he slipped his arms around her, she leaned back into his embrace, sliding her hands up his forearms, then back down to lace her fingers with his.

Garrus pressed his cheek to hers and held her tight.

“I didn’t know if you’d come in . . . if you were still too angry with me,” she whispered, closing her eyes and relaxing against him.

He shook his head a little and rumbled low in his throat. “Never.”

Shepard turned to face him, her hands sliding up around his neck as his brow lowered to hers. She pressed herself tight against him, her hands roaming along his neck and over his fringe. Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed him, lips moving over his with gentle passion.

He pulled her into him, returning her kisses before nuzzling along her jaw to the spot below her ear. They just held one another for a long time, then Shepard pulled back and reached behind her for his brush and cleanser. He moved to take it from her, but she shook her head. 

“I’ve got this.”

Shepard had just finished toweling off and dressing when she heard knuckles rap on the door. She left Garrus getting dressed for bed, and went to answer it.

“Gira.” She gave the female a slightly confused smile, but embraced her. “Hi. Is everything okay?”

“Yes.” Gira glanced down, drawing Shepard’s attention to a small crate held under her arm. “I just came up to give Garrus his legacy. I realized that in all the excitement of coming aboard, I still had possession of it.”

Garrus walked out of the washroom. “Shepard? Are you . . .?” He stopped and smiled when he saw Gira.

“Etnul?” Gira asked.

“Amicinula,” Garrus replied and held out his arm toward the stairs. “Please.”

Gira stepped across the threshold then stopped. “Thank you, but I just came to give you this.” She held out the crate. “It’s all the small possessions and memories that your mother wished you to have.”

Garrus took it as if she passed over a holy artifact. Shepard smiled sadly. It was, really. What wouldn’t she give to have something of her parents? Some small memento of them? The only things she’d carried away from Mindoir was the family ring and an old stuffed horse her parents had made for her fifth Christmas. Her father had carved Morgan’s hooves and eyes out wood, and her mother had sewn the rest together from scraps of fur. She’d left her old friend in storage along with the rest of her belongings before setting out for the mission to Eden Prime. Now, he was no doubt obliterated and buried under tons of debris.

“Thank you for this,” Garrus said, pulling Shepard from her thoughts.

Gira’s mandibles spread wide and fluttered. “It’s been my honour to hold it for you. Your mother loved you very much, Garrus. You made her proud.”

He bobbed his head a little in silent assent.

“It’s late,” Gira said, turning to Shepard. “I’ll let you rest. Goodnight.”

Shepard gave her a gentle embrace then saw her to the door. “Goodnight, Gira.”

When the door closed, Shepard turned to her mate. “Treasures.” She smiled.

“Yeah.” He nodded and carried it down to the bed. Climbing up to sit cross-legged on the blankets, he placed the crate beside him and held his hand out to her. “Go through it with me?”

She walked down to the bed and crawled up to sit with her knees touching his. Smiling, she caressed his cheek. “Of course.”

He popped the seals on the crate and lifted off the lid to reveal black, coarsely woven cloth that shimmered blue. “It’s my family’s bonding robe.” He pulled it out, letting it unfold as he spread it between them. Although Shepard couldn’t tell the shape exactly, it seemed to be more of a mantle, with broad shoulders and three panels centered in the front and back, each nearly as long as Garrus was tall. Turning it over, he spread out the front, center panel.

“Oh my god, that’s gorgeous.” Shepard reached out to touch the intricate, gold-threaded embroidery that covered three quarters of the panel. 

“Each generation that uses the robe embroiders in the story of how they came together,” Garrus explained. He pointed out one near the bottom that depicted a battle scene. “My father’s mother and father met during an assault on a raider encampment. She was shot. He started to carry her to safety, but then he was shot. They ended up helping one another hobble back to camp.” He chuckled, then ran loving talons over another. “My parents met in the markets on the Citadel. She was there with her parents, and he was a rookie C-Sec agent.”

Shepard looked at all the little vignettes of the lives of so many Vakarians tracing back what had to be hundreds of cycles. “This is amazing.” She met his eyes and shook her head a little in wonder. “I love that so little of turian culture is disposable; that you have links to so much of the past. It’s beautiful.” Smiling, she ran her fingers over the blank spot next to his parent’s. “You’ll wear it?”

He set it down over their laps and reached out for her hands. “I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about what we want our wedding to look like.”

She nodded. “Just sort of let Sol handle it, haven’t we? Well, I want to include all the turian traditions as well as human ones, Garrus. We’ve been living a generic sort of mostly human-custom coloured life, but I don’t want that for our family. We’re half turian, and I really want that to show. I want that richness for our children.”

He nodded and leaned forward to touch brows, then sighed. “Traditionally, the mate does the embroidery.”

Shepard chuckled. “Well, I’m sure I can find some sort of tutorial or something so I don’t make too huge a mess out of it. I’ve got a few months to figure it out.” She ran her fingers over the gold thread again. “It’s just amazing. I can’t wait to see you wearing it.”

He folded the robe and set it off to one side before diving back into the crate. There were holos and small works of art, some jewelry and personal things, then at the bottom, a letter addressed to him but with the instruction not to open it until the night before he married. He translated the admonition for Shepard since it was written in closed dialect. 

“Just as beautiful as the rest,” she said, running careful fingers over the paper and indigo ink. It felt more like fabric than paper. “Tussat fiber?”

He nodded. “My mother loved to handwrite messages using brush and ink. She had a rare talent for it.” Tracing the lettering with a talon, he sighed. “She must have written this not too long before she died. See the waver in the lines?”

Shepard squeezed his hand. “You were always in her heart and in her thoughts.”

He nodded, but just ran the pads of his talons over the sealed paper.

Climbing up onto her knees, Shepard linked her hands behind his neck and pressed her brow to his. “I know that turians don’t believe the things that humans do, but I do think some things are universal, and what I’ve learned over the past year is that it doesn’t end here. She’s still with you, Garrus, as much as my parents are still with me. Love like that, it doesn’t just end or break. It’s a tie that lasts forever.”

“Yeah.” He ran his hand over her head and down her back. “Let’s get this put away and get some sleep.”

“Okay.” Shepard kissed him, then pulled back and helped him gather the small treasures together, placing them back in the crate. “I’m so glad these things survived the war.” She held up a holo of a much younger Garrus and Sol hunched over a game, both gangly, awkward and looking terribly intense. “You’ll have these to share with our kids.”

He stared at her long enough, that she looked up to meet his eyes, and shrugged. “I don’t have anything like this, just the treasures in my head.” She smiled and set the holo in the crate.

Running the backs of loving talons over her cheek, he nodded then turned back to packing his memories away.

Shepard pulled back the covers, climbing in next to him. She lay on her side for a few minutes, staring into his eyes. “You can share all this stuff with me, Garrus. All the sad and painful stuff. I know you try to protect me from it, but I don’t want you to. I’ve spent way too much time rolling around in all the crap in my head. Time to stop. Time for me to take some of the load off your shoulders, big guy.” Pressing her palm against his cheek, she smiled. “I’ve got my cracks and stress fractures, but I’m here for you, you know.” 

“I know. We just always have so much else to worry about, Shepard. The time will come.”

She shook her head. “Will it? Like you said earlier, we’re going to have to fight to fit the things into our lives that we want, because it’s just going to keep throwing crap at us.” She curled in against Garrus’s side. She laced her fingers with his, pulling his hand to her lips, kissing it softly. “I want you to start telling me about Omega, Garrus. You’ve carried it alone for way too long.”

Sighing, he nuzzled her brow. “I will, Shepard. Not tonight, but I will.”

She leaned on her elbow and reached up to caress his face. “I haven’t done all that well by you, and I know you’ve got that whole turian taciturn thing going on, but I want to be here for you as much as you’re here for me.” She leaned in and kissed him. “I love you.”

He nodded and kissed her, then nuzzled her cheek. “I know, and I love you.” Pulling her into his arms, he rested his brow against her temple. “One thing I can tell you about Omega. I spent every minute wishing I could be doing this.”

Tucking her head in under his chin, she nodded. “I don’t remember it, but I know for certain I followed you from Kaidan’s apartment the day of my memorial and didn’t leave you again until I woke up. ”

Garrus let out a long sigh. “I think on some level, I must have known.” He just held her, rubbing her back. “I hope things get a little more sane for us, Shepard.”

“You and me both, my love.” Shepard wriggled deeper into the pocket of warmth next to him. “You and me both.”


	49. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's never easy leaving people behind.

**August 15, 2187**

 

“Admiral?”

Shepard’s eyes fluttered open, then settled shut again.

“Shepard?” This time Dr. Chakwas’s voice cut straight through the warm, heavy blanket of sleep like a scalpel edged with fear.

“Yeah, Doc. I hear you.” She ran her tongue around the inside of her mouth and smacked her lips a little. “What’s wrong?”

“Lt. Vega is gone. Somehow he got loose last night.”

Sitting up, Shepard gave Garrus a gentle shake. “How long ago?” She swung out of bed, completely awake.

“A few hours, maybe less. He was restrained, so escape seemed unlikely. The doctor who was sitting with them left to check on other patients, came back, and he was gone.”

Shepard grabbed her clothes and ran for the bathroom. “We’ll be down there as soon as the shuttle can get us there, Doc.”

“It’s on its way back now. Chakwas out.”

“Roger that. Shepard out.”

“What’s going on?” Garrus whispered, following her to the bathroom door.

“James got loose. They can’t find him. The shuttle is on the way back up to get us.” She wriggled and hopped into her trousers, then yanked her t-shirt and hoodie on. “Can you call your dad and get him to come up and stay with Lenka?” She stuffed her feet into her boots, then ducked back in to use the bathroom.

“On it.” He started talking to Herros as he made his way down to dress.

“I’ll meet you at the shuttle.” Shepard ran for the elevator and headed to the armoury. She suited up in armour but only brought her sidearm. It was James. She wasn’t going to need to fire on him. Pushing down her fear for his safety, she focused on figuring out where he’d be.

The ramp lowered and the shuttle docked just as she finished checking her gear.

“Dad’s got Lenka,” Garrus reported, striding over to suit up as well. “She didn’t even wake up.” He chuckled. “Is it good or bad that she’s getting used to us leaping up at all hours and running around?”

“I’m not sure,” Shepard replied, shaking her head.

A few minutes later they sat in the shuttle, Shepard leaning into his side, her hand resting on the inside of his thigh. She leaned her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes, relaxing into the arm slung around her waist. 

Despite trying to ignore the passage of time, Shepard felt every second of the trip down to the planet. She knew what the battle waging inside James looked like. A lot of people from Fehl Prime were lending their voices to his inner demons, his own guilt desecrating what should be cherished memories.

A warm smile touched her lips as she thought of Ashley. They’d had their problems thanks to the gunnery chief’s xenophobia, but in the end, Ash had learned to adapt and trust all the members of the Normandy’s crew. Brave, tough as nails, and devoted to the people she cared about, Ash’s insistence that Shepard save Kaidan and protect the mission remained her legacy. The woman and her sacrifice deserved so much more than to be warped into Shepard’s personal guilt ghoul.

Hopefully, enough of James remained to understand that April and the rest of his people deserved better than that as well. Therein laid the problem with guilt; it consisted of a giant tangle of self-pity and love and responsibility that turned things upside down and backwards until nothing made much sense.

“We’ll be landing in a few minutes, Admiral,” Steve called back.

“Roger that.” She sat up and patted Garrus’s thigh. “You awake?”

He grumbled to the affirmative. “Do you think he’s gone to the overlook?”

She shrugged. “It’s definitely the first place to check.” She turned her head to kiss him. “Good morning, by the way.”

He chuckled and nodded. “Yeah.” He stood, lifting her onto her feet and supporting her as the shuttle landed. 

Dr. Chakwas and Adrien met them at the front gate.

“We’ve searched every inch of the compound, but we haven’t left the walls yet,” the doctor reported.

Nodding, Shepard strode alongside them. “We’re going to head to the overlook. If we don’t find him there, we’ll radio in.” She put her hand through Karin’s elbow. “Was he conscious during the night?”

“He was and fairly lucid. Still hearing voices, and in a lot of pain. He responded to questions and knew who we were, and where he was.” The doctor shook her head. “From what he said while he didn’t think we were listening, the voices are brutal, Shepard.”

“Yeah, they don’t pull any punches, those ghosts of failures past.” She led the way through to the back door. “We’ll keep in touch.” The moons hung low over the lake as she and Garrus made their way through the forest, the sun almost above the wall at their backs. Shaking her head, Shepard sighed. “This is an amazing planet.”

Garrus grunted his assent, but she could feel his attention focused very much in hunter mode, keeping track of their environment, scanning the early morning for threats. Smiling, she realized how much she relied on him for that. He left her free to worry about the myriad of other concerns crowded into her head, because he remained on guard, vigilant, always watching her back. Gratitude swelled, bright and piercing, her heart thumping stronger, her breath drawing deeper as she realized that from the moment he’d taken his place on her squad and in her life, she sailed out ahead, a kite following the wind, but grounded, ever grounded, by his tether. 

Shepard paused at the edge of the lake, her eyes drawn to the overlook, but she saw no one there. She supposed he could be back in the trees, but doubted it.

“James, where have you gotten to?” Nodding her head toward the path, Shepard sighed. “Might as well check up the path before reporting in.” When Garrus nodded, she set out, casting her eyes back every few seconds. He seemed more than alert, he seemed on edge, as if he felt an enemy presence. “You okay?” she asked.

“I feel like we’re being watched.” Shaking his head, he scanned the forest. “I can’t see anything. I’m not picking anything up on my visor either, but it’s like a burr under my fringe.”

Shepard opened herself up to the environment, listening to the leaves rustling in the canopy, the lapping of the lake against the rocky shoreline. Voices drifted from the compound, and banging echoed from where the fences went up. Chirping animals hopped through the trees and sailed overhead. A large bird analogue swooped down over the water, it’s mouth open to scoop up its breakfast before soaring back into the trees. It all felt very normal and natural.

Then she felt it, a whisper from just out of sight, but she saw nothing to account for it. 

They made their way to the overlook, but no James. After checking the trees, they headed back. As they emerged onto the shore, Shepard stopped dead, Garrus nearly running into her before he noticed.

At the edge of the water a small raft floated on the low waves, one of the native people standing upon it. Another, a female that Shepard recognized, approached from a little ways inland.

“Well, that explains the feeling of being watched,” Shepard whispered. She smiled at the female. “Hello again.”

The female walked right up to Shepard and patted her gently on the chest. She spoke, but as before, none of it was anything Shepard understood. 

She glanced to Garrus. “Do you understand anything she’s saying?” When he shook his head, Shepard reached up to her radio. “Terion must have learned their language, at least to some extent.” Smiling as the young turian yawned sleepily in her ear, Shepard said, “Sleeping in?”

He chuckled. “Something like that. What can I do for you, Admiral?”

“We have that charming female from my first day here trying to talk to us, but we have no clue what she’s saying. I was hoping you could help us out.”

She heard him leap out of bed, stumbling in his haste. She winced. 

“I’ll be right there. Where are you?”

“Down by the lake. See you in a few minutes.” Shepard smiled as the female’s gentle hands touched her eyes and then the top of her head as if trying to figure out why she had so little hair. After a few moments, the female moved over to touch Garrus, patting his face and hands in an almost maternal way.

Terion ran out the gate less than five minutes after hanging up the call, but slowed to a walk, approaching deliberately. He rumbled a greeting as the female walked over to him, her movements as slow and measured as his. Her beautiful face seemed to glow as she replied, her hands touching his sides and head.

“She’s happy to see me again,” he explained. “They don’t express their emotions on their face using muscles, but release chemicals that change their entire skin tone. Happiness is a bright yellowish colour, sadness is a pale green-grey, anger is a blue hue, and fear . . .” He sighed and patted the female’s hands with the backs of his talons. “. . . fear is black. You never have to guess how they are feeling. Stoicism is a concept that they couldn’t comprehend if they tried.”

Shepard nodded, watching their exchange. They spoke as much with touch as sound. She recognized quickly that touching eyes, nose, ears, referred to the senses. What had been seen or heard. “Has she seen James?” Shepard asked. “He left the compound this morning.”

After a moment, Terion nodded. “Yes. They found him on the western shore of the lake. He’d tried to swim, or drown himself.” He scowled and spoke to the female. “I can’t be sure which she means, because she keeps repeating how sad and angry he is, and to her people, extreme sorrow, fear, or anger is a sort of death.” 

Shepard watched them talk, the calm nature of the exchange settling something deep within her. Her worry for James faded, and any impatience she would normally feel to stand by, unable to take action or even participate in the conversation, vanished before it could even manifest. Instead, she felt connected to everyone around her and grounded, as if the planet itself reached into her, making her a part of it.

“He’s doing all right now. They gave him something to help.” Terion said. “James doesn’t want to leave, so she’s offered to take us to their village.”

Shepard nodded. “Okay. Just let me get Dr. Chakwas. I want her along, if that’s okay?” When Terion nodded, she called back to the compound. A few moments later, Karin and Adrien strode out the gate. Shepard grinned and shook her head. 

“You just can’t keep yourself out of the middle of things, can you?” she asked Adrien. 

“It’s healthy to have a strong sense of curiosity,” the primarch replied. “Terion has told me a lot about these people. I wanted to see for myself.”

The female glowed and approached them both, touching and rumbling in a sing-song way. She patted Adrien, then looked back to his son.

Terion chuckled. “She knows you’re my father. She says we have the same energy . . . soul, and she wants to know if you’ll come with us. Something about needing the fruit of the web.” He tilted his head. “No idea what that means.”

Adrien’s mandibles gave a strong flick of delight as he nodded. 

The female led the way onto the raft. Her companion passed Garrus a slender pole four times as long as the turian was tall, clearly expecting help to move the loaded raft across the lake. Garrus accepted it with a nod and helped push them away from shore before stepping aboard. 

Shepard stood next to Terion. “Do they have names? Ways of referring to themselves?” she asked.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head a little. “Sorry. I should have told you right at the beginning. Their people call themselves the Irithatu.” He punctuated the vowel sounds with clicks and the ‘th’ sound whistled. “The female’s name is most closely pronounced Neeyeah, and the male’s name is Lahyroo.” He shrugged. “Well, Lahyroo is not really male, but neither male nor female. The Irithatu have four genders, five if you include the matriarch. There is only ever one matriarch though, and she is a synthesis of all genders.” 

Shepard smiled and touched Neeyeah’s hand and brow with the backs of her fingers, having recognized that as a common denominator when the female greeted the others. “Neeyeah.”

The female glowed and chirped, touching Shepard, then looking to Terion.

“Jane,” he supplied.

“Jane,” Neeyeah repeated, the vowel clicking, but her name recognizable.

Terion introduced Garrus, Dr. Chakwas and his father, then the small company lapsed into a relaxed silence as the dark waters of the lake slipped beneath them.

The village came into view before they reached the western shore, not necessarily recognizable as a village except for the bustle of people. It appeared to be an ancient forest, the trees all massive in girth. When the people spotted the raft, they moved down to the lake shore, wading in to help push it up onto the rocky ground. 

Neeyeah disembarked first, the rest growing silent when she spoke. She introduced the alien members of the company, then clicked, waving all six of her hands like a mother sending her unruly brood about its business. A few of the smaller Irithatu stayed, darting around their legs, reaching up to touch them with shy fingers before dashing off.

They were still a hundred meters from the edge of the forest when James stepped out of a cleft in one of the giant trees. He stopped, staring into Shepard’s eyes for a few minutes before walking over to them.

“Hey, Lola,” he said, his voice soft and a little bashful.

“Hey. How are you feeling?” She closed the few metres remaining between them and gripped his upper arm. “You doing okay?”

Nodding, he looked around. “Aren’t they amazing?” He gestured back toward the trees. “They live inside trees that their people have grown into houses over hundreds of years. It’s so cool.”

Neeyeah accepted what looked like a sack made out of hide or an internal organ from one of her people. Shepard gave it a wide berth, but James took it with a grateful smile, returning the female’s touches. He drank from it, then held it out to Shepard. 

“Try it, it’s really good, and it helps with the _loco_.”

Shepard looked over to Dr. Chakwas, who scanned the skin and nodded. “It’s safe, for both levo and dextro, is highly nutritious, filled with antigens, and is designed to stimulate creation of hormones, neurotransmitters. It’s . . ..” She keyed her omnitool for a moment, then chuckled.

“It’s . . .?” Shepard asked.

“Good for you, go ahead and drink it.” The doctor turned to Adrien. “You should have some as well, Primarch.”

Shepard passed the skin to the primarch first, Karin’s reaction to her scans making her nervous. Only once Adrien agreed that it tasted just fine and didn’t appear to have any adverse reactions, did Shepard try it.

The liquid was sweet, and nutty-flavoured, but she quickly passed it back to James, who guzzled it down like it was ambrosia. He passed it to Garrus, who offered it to her again as they approached the edge of the village.

When she shook her head, his brow plates lowered. “Why? It tastes fine.”

She jutted her chin toward Dr. Chakwas. “You see the look on Karin’s face?” He nodded. “Yeah, my dad had that exact same smile one Sunday when I was eight. An elderly lady brought this mysterious dish to a church potluck. Dad told me it tasted good, but wouldn’t say anything else. Found out afterward it was made from things . . . well, let’s just say that had someone told me the contents, I never would have eaten it. From that day forward, I've lived in fear of that smile.”

Garrus chuckled. “You have a flair for the melodramatic.”

Shepard nodded. “I do, but trust me, if someone fed you a casserole made out of various animal testicles, you would too. Something like that takes the concept of ‘waste not, want not’ to a really terrifying place.” She walked forward, ignoring the sick look on his face, stopping in front of a tree so wide around its girth that it would take forty people holding hands to wrap around it. Unlike the tree analogues in the forest by the compound, these stood much closer to the ground, maybe ten to fifteen metres tall, all their resources having been channelled into turning them into dwellings. The patience and skill required to manipulate a tree’s growth that way astonished and delighted her.

James led Shepard into the village, pointing things out. She had no idea how he’d learned so much in just a short time.

“This place and these people, Lola.” The grin that crossed his face was an easy one. “They’re good for the soul.” 

She pressed her hand against his shoulder blade. “Yeah, they are.”

Neeyeah waved for Shepard to follow them as they made their way through the village to a huge fire pit in the center. The rest of the Irithatu had already gathered there, setting up a place for the visitors to sit. Cushions made from coarsely woven, fibrous material sat on the ground, arranged in a wide circle. Shepard smiled, accepting a place close by the fire, even though she wasn’t at all chilled.

“Yours is the place of honour,” Terion told her from the seat on her left, translating the chatter around them, “because you freed Neeyeah. She is this village’s mother.” He struggled over the translation, but then nodded. “That works as well as any word, even though she doesn’t raise the young. She is the leader of this village, wise and elevated because of her age and the number of clutches she birthed.” He accepted a seat next to Shepard.

A huge ruckus started on the other side of the fire, the people hooting and singing. A moment later, a dozen Irithatu ran around the fire pit, a truly monstrous spider held over their heads. Each leg, even though they were coiled in death, must have been three metres long, and the creature’s body was two metres in diameter and one thick. Shepard shuddered.

“It’s a feast,” Terion said, his mandibles fluttering at the sick look on Shepard’s face. “Apparently, it tastes very good.”

Shepard nodded, and tried to replace her grimace with a smile as the hunters broke off sections of the legs and slid them into the coals at the base of the fire. When just the body was left, they hung it up in a rope sling. One of the hunters grabbed James and thrust a stone knife with a triangular blade into his hand. They guided the lieutenant over and showed him where to stab the knife into the bloated, hairy carapace. The grimace returned to Shepard’s face as James did as he’d been shown, punching a hole into the body.

People ran forward with bowls and skins, catching the thick stream of fluid that ran out the hole. 

Shepard grinned and shook her head at Karin. “I knew it. You’re evil.”

The doctor laughed. “Doesn’t make it taste any different, or any less good for you.” Still, even the doctor blanched a little as the hunters encouraged James to drink it fresh from the carcass. 

For his part, James did so happily, the hunters all slapping him with enough force to make him wince, but Shepard saw that it was all friendly, almost as if they welcomed him into their number. She looked up, smiling as Garrus settled next to her, his arm braced behind her back.

“He seems at home here,” he said, putting a voice to her thoughts.

“He does.” Shepard smiled and watched as the hunters showed the lieutenant how to turn the legs in the fire, and then how to break the shell off to get to the meat within. James was offered the first piece, and ate it without hesitation, proclaiming it to be delicious. 

“So, how does spider leg compare to various animal testicles on the Shepard hierarchy of things I don’t want to eat?” Garrus whispered in her ear.

She just elbowed him, accepting a piece when it was offered. It actually did taste good and had the same consistency as fish, so it didn’t even trigger her gag reflex as long as she just kept telling herself it was fish. “Okay,” she said, watching him finish off his fourth piece, “spider leg is definitely quite a bit higher up the desirability list. The testicle casserole tasted like . . ..” She winced.

“Testicles?” he offered, laughing as she jabbed him with her elbow.

While everyone ate, Neeyeah told a story of a foreign hunter who came from a clan across the mountains, bringing new knowledge and strong new blood to their clan, and how he became a hero saving the village from a wildfire. Shepard relaxed into Garrus’s side, listening to Terion translate the tale. 

The soft tones, rumbles and clicks of Neeyeah’s voice eased the pain that rattled around inside her chest. James was right. These people and this place were good for the soul. Garrus held her close, his head pressed against hers, his breath soft and comforting against her neck.

“Do you mind if we go native? Pick out a tree to live in?” she whispered.

He shook his head a little. “Not at all. I could live with this.”

When the story ended, Neeyeah stared into Shepard’s eyes, obviously trying to tell her something, and Shepard suspected that she knew what it was. She nodded, and looked to catch James’s eye. When she did, she gestured off toward the lake shore. He nodded back and climbed to his feet.

“I’m going to go talk to James,” she whispered to Garrus, watching the Marine leave the circle of merrily chatting people.

“If he goes back to Earth, he’s looking at spending the rest of his life in a hospital, isn’t he? At least until they find a way to help him long term?” He held her against him.

“Yeah, more than likely,” Shepard replied, the words an exhalation of regret.

“And if he wants to stay here?” He nuzzled her ear. “It might be a kinder fate, Shepard.”

She nodded and turned to kiss him. “I’ll be back in a few.”

“Few what? Hunks of spider leg?” He chuckled and helped himself to his fifth. 

Shepard stood and followed James down to the water. When she caught up with him, she slipped her hand through his elbow. “How are the voices?” she asked. 

“Still with me, but a lot softer. I don’t have to listen to them if I don’t want to.” He cut a glance sideways at her. “This what you live with all the time, Lola?”

She sighed. “Not this bad all the time, but yeah, pretty much. At least in my dreams. It’s not so bad when I’m awake.” They walked in silence for a moment, then she bumped him gently with her shoulder. “Neeyeah said that they found you on shore here. How did that happen?”

Shrugging, he pulled away a little. “I don’t know. April and my squad were screaming so loud in my head that I just needed to escape, you know? I needed to run until I left them behind. When I reached the shore of the lake, I started swimming. April wouldn’t stop screaming: why didn’t I save her? Why would I choose some intel over all their lives? I don’t know what happened, Lola. I just woke up on the shore with all these people patting me. They gave me some of the saya, and it helped. The voices started to back away.”

“Saya? Is that the spider milk?” When he grunted confirmation, she left him to continue at his own pace.

He led them to a large log of driftwood and sat, staring out over the water. “The doc says that I’m not responding to their treatment as well as she hoped.”

Shepard sat next to him, leaning against his side. “You’ve been through a lot, James, taken some good hard hits. It’ll take a while to let that go.”

“Like you have?” The words came out bitter, but he softened them at the end with a sigh.

“Yeah, I’m starting to. The last few days, I kept hearing Ashley Williams accusing me of everything under the sun, but that’s not who she was. That’s all me turning her memory into something ugly. She deserves better.” She slipped her arm through his. “April deserves better than that. You know what she was like in life. Why would she be any different in death?”

He shrugged. “She was a sweet kid. She and the squad deserved better.”

“Yeah.” Shepard nodded. “Yeah, they all do, but in the end, we’re just people, James. Were you slacking? Did you just say, ‘Ah, what the fuck, who gives a crap?’ and give up?” He bristled beside her, but she just slid her hand down to lace her fingers with his. “Of course you didn’t. You gave it every ounce of everything you had. Right?”

He grunted and relaxed. “Yeah.”

“And they knew that. Maybe April didn’t understand it the way your squad did, but she does now. The voices in our heads are about us, not them.” She stared out over the water. “I just keep trying to remind myself of that.”

They sat in silence for a few moments before James squeezed her hand, his thumb stroking the web between her thumb and first finger. “I’m aimed for a mental hospital until they can figure this thing out, right?” He sighed, a sharp exhalation. “And, since I’m _muy loco_ when I’m out there, probably a padded room and a straight jacket.” He shuddered. “I don’t want to live like that, Lola.”

“Yeah.” She took a deep breath. “Well, what if you stayed here?” When he looked at her, she shrugged and gave him a crooked smile. “You know you were leading up to it.” Bumping her shoulder against his, she let the smile bleed away, unable to shake the feeling she was peeling away a new layer of herself. “I’d have conditions, though. You check in with the compound every day. If they tell you to stay, you stay, no arguments. They’ll have to convince me of why you need to be kept there, so don’t worry about them just doing it because.”

He nodded. 

“We’ll be here for a couple more weeks, so you’ll have time to test it out. If it doesn’t work, then we reevaluate the plan. Once we leave, you check in with me on the QEC once a week, and absolutely call the primarch if you need help.” Her eyes returned to the lake, watching the ripples wash into the rocks. “If you get worse, then we change course, take the hospital route. Got it?” 

“I’ve got it.” He pulled her hand further into his lap, holding it between both of his.

“And you go totally native, James. You’ll be able to get through the barrier to check in, but these people have been influenced way too much as it is. You leave the tech inside the barrier except for your radio implant. No miraculous leaps forward from stone to iron tech.” She chuckled and shook her head. “I envy you a little.”

He stood and pulled her into a tight hug. “Nah, you’d go _loco_ inside a month. You and Scars have to come to visit though, bring the _pequeños_.”

She hugged him. “Once the relays are back up, you’ll be sick of us.” Pulling away, she clapped him on the back. “Okay, so we have an accord?”

He smiled. “Yeah, we do.”

“Good.” She started back toward the village. “You have to come back to the _Normandy_ today, though. You have people to say goodbye to. I know of a little girl, in particular, who is going to miss you like crazy.”

“Yeah, I’ll miss her too.” He stopped and looked up at the village, a slow smile spreading across his face. “It really is an amazing place.”

“Yeah, it really is.”

An hour later, the six of them returned across the lake, laden with skins of the saya for James and the primarch. Shepard left James to get checked out and headed for her office. So much remained to be done, and as much as she wanted to leave the planet as prepared as it could be, Earth called louder and more strongly every day. She’d told Admiral Hackett all those months ago that she was ready to retire, and she was. So, so very ready.

She settled into her chair and opened the massive list of messages awaiting her.

“Jane?” Adrien stepped through her office door an hour later. “Got a minute?”

She looked up and nodded. Seeing the pain in his eyes, she gave him a soft smile. At least he was up and back to business as usual, despite the haunted look in his eyes. Hopefully the saya would continue his progress.

“Hey!” He strode over to her and crouched next to her chair, spinning it around until she looked into his eyes. “Stop looking at me like you beat me with a stick. It’s annoying.” He reached up and pressed his hand to her cheek. “I’m fine. It’s good for a Primarch to spend some time listening to the voices of his mistakes. It might just keep me from making them again.” He stood, and pulled her up into his arms, hugging her tight against him. 

Shepard placed her hands on his waist and pressed her brow against his shoulder, unable to find anything to say. Anything she could manage just diminished how remarkable a man and how good a friend he was.

“That’s all we can do, you know?” he whispered, pressing a hand to the back of her head. “What’s done is done. We accept that there is nothing we can do about the past and just resolve to learn and do better in the future.” He pulled back, taking her by the shoulders to hold her at arm’s length. “And now it’s time for you to go get on with yours.”

Shepard frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Gira and Rossus are moving down to the captain’s cabin on one of the transports as we speak. I have secured my crate in the hold. It’s a nice one. Small, but snug and I poked holes in the lid.” He grinned and gave her a small squeeze when she grumbled at him. “We’ll stay and get the work done. James has the help he needs here, and I’ll keep an eye on him for the next couple of weeks. If he needs anything, I’ll see he gets it, even if I have to drag him back to Palaven.

“You get the _Normandy_ to Earth, and square away your business.” He smiled and ducked down a bit to meet her eye to eye. “Get married. And then hustle your asses back to Palaven. I need Garrus. We have an academy to construct, fleets to get back in the air, and a people to rebuild.”

When she opened her mouth, he shook his head. “Don’t argue with your primarch.” He smiled. “Technically, I think you’re on about the lowest tier of citizenship, so . . ..”

Shepard smiled and sighed. “You really are impossible.”

“And now, insulting your primarch.” He made a disproving, clicking sound. “You’d better get off planet before I’m forced to do something drastic.” When she sighed, his gaze dropped the teasing glint. “Go get married, and be happy for a while. Both you and Garrus have earned it.” He touched his brow to hers. “I don’t want to see you again before you land the _Normandy_ on Palaven. Understood?” He backed toward the door.

She took a deep breath and nodded. “Understood . . ..” Her mouth twitched at one corner. “. . . sir.”

He let out an exasperated sigh and spun on his talons. “And she calls me impossible.”

Garrus walked in a moment later, glancing back over his shoulder. “What is Adrien muttering about?”

Shepard just shook her head. “He’s ordered us back to Earth, immediately.”

Garrus nodded and smiled. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a while. I appreciate being off the ship, but it feels like we’re in some sort of holding pattern. We need to push forward. What about James?”

“Adrien said he’d take care of him.” She walked around the desk and wrapped her arms around him. “And yeah, we really do need to push forward.” She leaned up and pressed her lips against his mouth. “Let’s get everything wrapped up and pull out tomorrow morning.”

He hugged her tight, lifting her feet off the ground. “I’ll pass the word.” 

A few minutes after Garrus left, Gira poked her head in the door. “So, you’re on your way tomorrow morning?”

Shepard walked around the desk and took her friend’s hands in hers. “You and Rossus are going to be all right down here?”

“We’re fine. He’s doing really well since we got off Palaven, and he’s had tasks and problems to keep him busy. He’s out supervising the installation of the kinetic barrier right now. Made one of the crews take him.” Gira’s mandibles fluttered. “I’m just sorry that I won’t be there for your wedding.” She pulled Shepard into a hug. “We’ll see you in little while.”

Shepard smiled, her eyes glassing over. “I’m going to miss you.”

Gira nodded. “As I will you. Just come back to us quickly.” She touched brows and gave Shepard’s hands a squeeze. 

“We will. Take care, Gira.”

They left the planet less than an hour later, a lot of goodbyes and promises to see one another soon behind them, but the hardest one to face sat across from her, looking more and more drawn and agitated the further they went. James drank the saya constantly, and held Shepard’s gaze as if she anchored him in sanity. She held his stare right back, willing to give him whatever he needed to get him through the next couple of hours. A deep ache settled into her chest, making it hard to breathe. Once again, she was leaving someone behind.

When the shuttle docked, she started Steve on preparing for its return, and called Herros to send Lenka down to the bay. Traynor put out an announcement letting people know what was going on and that they should hurry down to say their goodbyes. For a little while, the shuttle bay turned into a mad house, but once the crowd came and went, Shepard helped James pack the few things he wanted to take with him.

“Hey, Lola?”

Shepard looked up from closing his duffel. “Yep?”

He passed her a small package bundled in cloth. “This is for the _pequeños_ , but do me a favour and save it for the day before you get back home? Sort of a welcome to the rest of your life present.” 

Smiling, she tucked it into a pocket. “Sure, I can do that Thanks, I’m sure they’ll love it.” She stared at him for a moment, torn between wanting to give him the best shot for being happy and hating leaving him behind. The deep ache in her chest began to throb. “You sure this is what you want? I’d thought we’d have a couple of weeks worth of trial period.” 

He nodded. “I’ve never been more sure of anything, Lola. My whole life, it’s seemed like circumstances chose me. This . . . this just feels right, like I’m finally choosing something for myself. Don’t worry about me. I’ll keep the agreement, and stay in touch with the docs and you. I’ll be fine. If it doesn’t work, I’ll hitch back to Palaven with the primarch and meet up with you there.”

“James!” Lenka ran out of the elevator and across the shuttle bay, leaping into his arms when he held them out. “Are you feeling okay?”

He smiled and nestled her in against his hip. “Yeah, not too bad, kiddo. I made some new friends on the planet, and they helped me feel better. I’m going to stay with them while you and the _Normandy_ go back to Earth.”

Lenka frowned. “How come?”

“So they can help me get all better.” He smiled and tickled her. “We’ll still talk on the QEC though, okay?” When she gave him a sad sort of nod, he kissed her cheek. “I’ll miss you, kid, so you better have lots of good stories for when you guys get back here in a few months. You’ll have to tell me about everything.”

Dr. Chakwas stepped out of the elevator and walked over. “You need anything, lieutenant, you call.” She handed him a datapad and a syringe. “Just in case it gets bad on the way back.” She laid her hand on his shoulder. “Take care, and take notes. You can publish papers on the Irithatu.”

He chuckled. “James Vega, scientist, huh?” He shook her hand. “Thanks, Doc. For everything.”

She nodded and headed back to the elevator. “Let me know if you want a co-author for those papers.”

Garrus passed the doctor at the elevator, striding over to shake Vega’s hand. “Take care of yourself, lieutenant. It’s been a privilege serving with you.”

“Yeah, thanks, you too, Scars. I will. You take care of your ladies.” He kissed Lenka’s cheek again, then passed her over into Garrus’s arms. “You’re a lucky man.”

Shepard picked up the duffel and walked James over to the shuttle, setting his gear inside the door. She faced him, staring into his eyes, tears blurring her vision a little. “Okay. I’ll talk to you in a few days.”

He nodded, then pulled her into a tight hug. “Don’t give the voices a second thought, Lola. You’re the best. It’s been an honour serving with you, and I’m proud to call you my friend.”

Shepard pulled back and took his face between her hands. “Same goes for you.” She kissed his cheek. “Go find some happy, Vega.”

He nodded and stepped into the shuttle. “You too. I’ll talk to you in a couple of days.”

Shepard smiled and backed in against Garrus’s side, his arm wrapping around her. She lifted a hand in response to James’s wave as the shuttle hatch closed.

“Damn,” she sighed. “Everything just keeps happening so damned fast.”


	50. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Forty Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow they arrive back at Earth. Let the festivities begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter you are caught up with my writing, so updates will slow to twice a week. :)

**December 18, 2187**

Shepard lay on the bed in med bay, gripping Garrus’s hand tight, chewing on her bottom lip.

“So, have you two decided whether you want to know, or not?” Dr. Chakwas asked. The doctor looked over at them, her hands on the scanner.

Looking to Garrus for confirmation, Shepard grinned. “We want to know. We’re only going to be on Earth a few days, so we want to know what we need to be ready for.” 

“Very well.” The doctor turned the monitor so that they could both see it, then activated the scanner, moving it so that their child showed on the monitor.

“Oh, wow,” Shepard gasped, her heart fluttering in her chest. “Look how big . . ..” She looked to Karin.

“She,” the doctor supplied with a smile.

“I knew it.” Shepard chuckled, gripping Garrus’s hand tight as he simply stared at the image on the monitor. “She’s getting so big.”

“She’s beautiful,” Garrus said, his voice soft and filled with subharmonics. He reached out a talon to trace the shape of their baby’s brow, the snubbed angle of her nose, and the elegant curve of her neck. “Mordin was an artist.” 

“He was.” Shepard stared, amazed at how the salarian scientist had managed to blend human and turian features into someone who was new and yet, recognizably both, and so absolutely beautiful. “She’s going to break hearts.”

“Not if my Mantis and I have anything to say about it,” Garrus growled, bending down to kiss her.

Shepard returned his kiss, then chuckled. “Yeah, the suitors are going to live in fear of her daddy.” She reached up to caress his cheek, then turned to Karin as he straightened to look at the monitor again. “Everything is all right?”

“Everything’s perfect. The cramping you experienced is completely normal. Just take it easy when it happens. You’ll rarely have such an excellent excuse to pamper yourself, so take advantage of it.” Karin took a capture of the scanner image and passed it to Garrus before she turned off the equipment.

Sitting up, Shepard straightened her clothing. “So, what are your plans when we get back, Doc?”

“I hope it snows.” The doctor smiled. “I’d love to be able to go for a walk in the snow with it being so close to Christmas.”

“Oh, yeah.” Shepard shook her head. “I can’t believe that I forgot about Christmas. It’s going to be Lenka’s first. I’ll have to see what I can find for her. I’d like to have something.” She reached out and wrapped her arm around Garrus as he walked around the bed. “And if it does snow, we’ll have to bundle up poor old Mr. Grumpy-When-I’m-Cold and convince him to go for a walk with us.”

Garrus helped Shepard down off the table then nudged her toward the door. “Come on, let’s go get some dinner.” He smiled at Karin. “Thank you, Doctor.”

“You’re most welcome, Garrus.” Dr. Chakwas smiled. “It’s a rare treat to help bring someone into the galaxy.”

Shepard grinned and let her mate lead her out the door. “I’m getting so excited to meet her.” 

Garrus guided Shepard toward the mess, but she mumbled an incoherent apology and ducked out of his arm to run to the washroom. His laughter chased her in the door.

Shepard left the bathroom a few moments later and headed back toward the galley, but as she turned the corner around the giant freezer, she heard:

“. . . and remember that cute little belly button that you couldn’t wait to play with? In another month, you’ll be looking for a flamethrower when it starts to look like an alien parasite trying to burst out of her stomach.”

Shepard stepped out where Lt. Parsons could have seen her if he hadn’t had a slightly terrified-looking Garrus pinned in the corner by the fridge. She crossed her arms and watched, a crooked grin curving one side of her mouth as she anticipated the lieutenant’s realization of her presence, especially if his diatribe went on much longer.

Parsons shuddered and leaned in, backing Garrus up another step. “And stretch marks! Afterward, it was as if I’d married a zebra. Trust me, even those bigger breasts that look so great now, after a year of Junior gnawing on them, you’ll never be able to look at them the same way again.”

Deciding that Garrus had started to look too uncomfortable to justify her entertainment factor, Shepard cleared her throat.

“Anyway,” Parsons squeaked, his face first draining of all colour and then blushing furiously, “I’d better run. Yeah, lots to do tonight.” He started backing out of the galley. “See you later.” He spun and bolted for the elevator.

“You’d better run before I stick you on gamma shift permanently . . . cleaning maintenance ducts and the recyclers.”

“Sorry, ma’am,” he called as the door shut on him.

Garrus shuddered and went back to assembling their dinner.

“Did he scare you, Vakarian?” she asked, watching him, looking for any signs that the whole pregnant human mate thing had him thrown. She liked what she saw.

He shook his head. “Not at all. I just kept wondering how he could look at the woman bringing his child into the world and see her that way.” He chuffed and punctuated his disgust by slamming the fridge door. “Well, that and how lucky he was that his mate didn’t have talons to eviscerate him. A turian female would have opened him from neck to groin.”

Shepard arched her back and stuck out her chest, striking the sexiest pose she could manage considering. “Well, feast your eyes, big guy. It only gets worse from here.”

Chuckling, he shook his head again, his mandibles spreading and fluttering hard, once. “You get more beautiful every day.” He stacked their trays and then led the way to the elevator. “Although he was right about one thing.”

After she hit the control for their cabin, she cocked an eyebrow at him. “Oh?” Her heart sped up and her breathing slowed at the heat in his stare.

His gaze slid to her breasts and one brow plate raised. “I do enjoy the larger breasts.”

She let out a long-suffering sigh that belied the tingle that settled in the pit of her belly. “And to think that a couple of years ago they might as well have been elbows or knee caps.” Grinning, she held up a finger. “No, wait. I take that back. My knee caps and elbows actually turned you on back then.”

His mandibles fluttered, and he leaned down to nuzzle her neck. “They still do.” When the door opened, he didn’t move until she preceded him off the elevator and into their cabin.

Shepard headed straight down to the lower half of the room, stripped off her hoodie and tossed it onto the chair in the corner, sighing with relief as the air cooled her skin. Lately, she got so warm that she spent half the time wishing she could just run around naked. Not that Garrus would have complained; he hadn’t been able to keep his hands off her since they left Pertexa. She loved his wonder and passion for the whole process. She’d been afraid that it would be too alien for him, and had been thrilled when it proved to be quite the opposite.

Garrus set the trays down on the coffee table and sat on the end of the bed, reaching out a long arm to snag her and pull her in between his knees. He held her close and reached up to stroke her cheek with loving talons. “My sexy, miraculous mate.” He tugged her t-shirt out of the waistband of her trousers, lifting it up above her bra.

Laying his hands on the bulge of her growing belly, he nuzzled her breasts. “I don’t know how any male could look at his mate with his child growing inside her and not find her the most amazing and desirable creation in the galaxy.” He held her tight and rested his head just under her chin. “I spend the entire day fighting off the memories of making love to you the night before. I swear my plates haven’t tightened up completely in months.”

Shepard leaned down a little. “You’re not developing a new fetish are you?” She chuckled as he chuffed. “I know, and I love that you’re so into it all.” Leaning on his thighs, she knelt between his knees. “I especially love that you still can’t get enough of me.” That part never ceased to amaze her. It was almost as if reaching a boiling point on Pertexa had allowed them to air out a bunch of garbage piled up between them. Instead of it driving them apart, it pulled them closer.

Taking her face between his hands, he pressed his brow to hers. “I never really believed I’d get a chance to do any of this, Shepard. I look at you and our daughters, and all I see are the crazy dreams of a vigilante soldier coming true.”

She smiled and kissed him. All the things looking back at her from his eyes made her want so much . . . made her want _him_ with an insistence that overrode any thoughts of dinner. Her hands slipped down his chest and stomach to caress the seam between his plates with her thumbs. Even through his leggings, she felt that he’d told the truth. They moved easily, allowing her to tease him.

“It’s been a good few months,” she whispered before pressing another kiss against his mouth.

His tongue flicked against hers as he pulled her in tight against him, kissing her back. He moaned, his subharmonics rumbling down low as her fingers unfastened his leggings and laid them open. She pulled back, stroking her thumbs over the outsides of his plates, easing them open. Giving him a small, wicked grin, she bent down, blowing a thin, focused stream of air over him.

“Spirits,” he groaned, his hips lifting then settling back onto the bed.

Shepard eased his plates wide enough to run her tongue along the sensitive folds of the sheath within. Teasing and exploring the velvet soft hide, she lapped and nuzzled down until her tongue found his stiffening shaft, then closed her lips around the tip. He rose eagerly, pressing into her. Gently, but firmly enough to keep him contained within his plates, she pushed back, rolling her soft, flat tongue over and around him. 

“You’re an evil woman,” he groaned, his head lolling back against his cowl.

Grinning, she gave him a firm flick with the tip of her tongue, then looked up, her chin holding him trapped. “Well, I could just stop.”

“No, but . . ..” He grunted. “Damn . . . your voice . . . vibrations . . ..” His hips bucked softly into her.

“Isn’t that usually my line?” She pressed into him, making her voice vibrate deeper. “So, what about my voice?” Humming, she took him back into her mouth. What she thought might have been a curse got tangled with a moan and shaking intake of breath as his hips lifted into her again. She chuckled, which prompted an even more intense reaction. The fact that she could turn him into a gasping puddle of endorphins never ceased to delight her, and she moaned nearly as heavily as he did. As surely as if he’d raked his talons down her back, her skin tightened, lifting into shivering bumps, each nerve ending prickling. 

Slipping her thumb and index finger into the widening gap between his plates, she stroked his length, the loose skin of his sheath gliding along his shaft in a way that elicited deep articulations from them both.

She closed her eyes, the sounds he made guiding her. His rumbling, soft moans deepened, taking on a musical tone as the pressure built behind his plates. Each utterance sparked a reaction in her body: some radiated chills of ecstasy along every nerve, while others created a delicious ache in her pelvis that set the muscles in her belly and thighs rolling like waves.

Taking her time, she grinned, refusing when he pushed against her mouth, asking to be able to slide free. Asking was far too early. She nibbled softly, the flats of her teeth providing a counterpoint that threw him back, hips lunging up off the bed. Shepard’s body reacted as if he’d thrust inside her, her moan vibrating through her lips, and his reactions stepped up from asking to insisting.

She pulled back, her hand keeping him from escaping. “Now, now,” she said, “behave yourself.” Laughing as he growled at her in frustration, she pressed her mouth against the seam again and hummed, starting out low but then raising the pitch. 

“Shepard . . ..” He broke off with a heavy grunt as his pelvis rose to meet her mouth again.

“Oh, when my voice has all the power, that’s not so much fun, huh?” She sighed, making sure to add a heavy, rolling tone as she wiggled her chin between his plates. “Of course, it’s not the only weapon in my arsenal.”

She slid her hands up to span the softest part of his belly, just above his narrow pelvis. As soon as her fingers pressed into him, he let out a long, low, throaty rumble. 

“Dear spirits, Shepard, show a little mercy.”

She smiled and swirled the wide, flat end of her tongue over him. “No mercy for you. We’ve gone so very, very far past mercy, my dear.” Still, she moved slowly, allowing him to stop her if he chose, as she slipped her thumbs along the top edge of his plates, pressing down in behind the outside corners.

He groaned, leaning back, bracing his arms. “You know you’re going to hear about this every time I have to bend over tomorrow.”

“Mmm, true, and you’ll whinge about the tiny bruises like I beat you with a stick.” She worked her thumbs down into the soft flesh behind his plates. When she felt firmer, curved tissue under the pads of her digits, she eased up, massaging around the orbs without putting any pressure on them. 

She lapped along his seam, teasing, sucking, and nibbling. The gentle massaging action of her thumbs made him writhe, his body wringing him out, twisting him in the grip of sensations so strong that she knew they tipped back and forth between euphoric and agonizing. 

“Had enough?” she whispered, meeting his eyes as her mouth slipped back over him. Pushing down hard against his seam, she sucked, strong and lusty, her tongue flicking him hard enough to make him jump every time.

He held her stare, his mandibles spreading wide, fluttering hard a couple of times, then lifting, accepting her challenge. 

She pulled back, her eyes flashing. “Tough guy, huh?”. She allowed a couple of inches to slip into her mouth, her tongue trapping him against the roof of her mouth, her lips still pressed against his body. She hummed low, strong and deep, changing the pitch with each breath.

Grunting, he bucked under her, but managed to gasp, “Is that all you’ve got?” 

She came up for air, and clicked her tongue. “Oh, my darling, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.” Shaking her head as if regretting that he’d brought them to this point, she let up with her thumbs, massaging his tender belly with the heels of her hands for a moment before sliding them down to his spurs.

He sucked in a quick breath. “You wouldn’t?”

Unclipping the fasteners on his right boot, she chuckled wickedly, savouring the slow, hot pulse that the game spread through her belly. “Oh, you know I would.” She pulled off his boot, then unclasped his leggings up to his spur, pushing them back until his entire lower leg was bared.

“Spirits, woman . . . not the spur . . ..”

She reached up and gave him a gentle shove back onto the bed. “You giving up, Vakarian? Throwing in the towel? I’m sort of disappointed. Didn’t think Archangel would start begging at the mere threat of what I’ll do to his poor, overly sensitive little spur.” Raking her nails up his lower leg, she stopped at the base of his spur, circling slowly, brushing her thumb ever so slightly further up as if by accident.

He growled, low and menacing, but the flutter of his mandibles belied the threat completely. “You can’t break me with your evil, feminine . . ..” The words disappeared into a moan as her nails slid over the multitudes of nerve endings in the slender projection of bone and hide.

Her hand continued up his leg and along his thigh, nails digging in just enough to make the muscles jump. When she reached his plates, she slipped three fingers inside, wrapping around him, stroking firmly while the heel of her hand kept him from being able to escape and find relief. 

She leaned in, blowing first cool then warmer streams of air over his spur as her left hand caressed his foot, thumb working its way into all the sensitive spots. Hisses and moans of mixed pain and decadence greeted the pressure that discovered every weary muscle and tendon as she massaged his talons, making sure both were relaxed and malleable before climbing to his ankle. 

Grinning, she tickled her fingertips around the protruding bones in both joints, his reactions identical to her own when he played with her nipples or teased the skin below her ear with his tongue. As she ran firm fingertips along a taut tendon, or drilled the pad of her thumb into a small, knotted muscle, the pressure against his plates grew and his vocalizations deepened, taking on an urgency that made her heart race fast enough that she felt light-headed.

She kneaded and caressed until his entire leg from the knee down just flopped in her hand. “You’re such a pushover, Vakarian,” she said, her voice soft. Leaning in, she licked along the length of his spur, her tongue hard and pointed. He bucked off the bed with such force that he threw her hand off, groaning with relief as his plates separated.

“Oh no you don’t.” Her thumb and forefinger returned, holding them in place. She licked along the spur’s length again, taking the end between her lips and swirling her tongue around it. This time, she was ready for the violence of his reaction. “I told you, you’re going to need to beg.”

“Cruel, so very cruel,” he gasped, his hips undulating under her, grinding him into her hand. 

Knowing that he had taken all he could by the sharp, keen edge to his sub-vocals, she knelt between his thighs once again and leaned down, letting him out just far enough to brush her cheek over him.

She was pretty certain they heard the resulting cry in the shuttle bay, and kissed just the end, sucking softly. “You giving in, my love?” she whispered, and blew a soft stream of air over his damp skin.

“Yes! Damn it, yes. Just . . ..” He whimpered, a deep, rolling keen.

“Yeah, I couldn’t hear you, but that didn’t sound like begging to me.”

“Shepard . . . damn it. Don’t . . ..”

She nipped him gently.

His response came out in gibberish, but she heard a distinct please at the end.

“Good boy.” She closed her lips around him, sucking him in as she let him slip slowly from his plates and sheath. He hit the back of her throat before he reached fullness. She swallowed, not prepared for him thrusting helplessly up into her. She forced down her reflex, breathing slowly, and kept working her throat until he emerged fully. 

She lifted her head a couple of inches, just to have him thrust up to meet her. Leaning on his thighs, she pinned him down the best she could to save her throat, suddenly thinking she may have dragged it out a few minutes too long. Her tongue moving over him, she coaxed him slowly at first, then more quickly until he started to thrust up into her, tipping close to the edge.

She withdrew then and, pressing soft, wet kisses along his length, she lifted up, her gaze returning to capture his. Growling, he lowered his mandibles, expressing his frustration. Smiling, she kissed the base of him, wanting to just look at him for a moment as he sprawled, mouth open and gasping, allowing her to see him exposed and naked on a basic and beautiful level despite still being mostly clothed. Meeting the combination of love, raw desire, and need in his eyes with a wanton grin, she closed her eyes again, tilting her head to caress her cheek against him. 

After a moment, she pulled her t-shirt and bra off. Leaning into him, she slid his length between her breasts, slowly pressing them tight around him. 

“The larger breasts aren’t just good for admiring,” she whispered. She tipped her head down just far enough to take him in her mouth again without losing eye contact.

A low tumble of sound spilled from him, his stare transfixed on her. One hand tangled in her hair, combing through the short curls, while the other fondled her breasts. His eyes never left hers, staring into her with a raw-edged wonder and a passion that snapped like sparks from dry kindling.

Shepard delighted in every sound, every soft twitch or jerk of pleasure, feeling quite proud of herself as he built to release, thrusting helplessly against her chest until he came and collapsed back on the bed. She kissed along the insides of his thighs, her tongue wandering lazily over the trembling muscles.

Her own body continued to pulse softly, not insistent in the least. Watching and experiencing the myriad of sensations and emotions play out in his face and body, to hear them in his voice, touched her so much more deeply than any orgasm could. Instead of climbing up beside him, she removed his other boot, massaging the talons and ankles of his left leg with tender fingers and soft kisses as he recovered.

When she finally set his foot back on the floor, he reached down to take her hands, pulling her up beside him. Wrapping her in one arm, he held her tight in against his side, still gasping for breath. 

“So worth begging,” he whispered, shifting to kiss her then to nuzzle her breasts, teasing the nipples with his tongue. 

She grinned and kissed him. “That sort of power could go to my head.”

Her fingers played along his seam, loving the feel of him under her fingertips. She didn’t know if she could still recall the feeling of smooth skin, muscle and hair under her fingers or against her body. She couldn’t remember the shift from finding one type of body sexy to being helpless before an entirely different one. All she knew was the night before the attack on the Collector Base, the man beside her had ruined her for wanting anyone or anything else.

“Lt. Parsons is a complete idiot.” Garrus sighed, pulling her in tighter.

Shepard chuckled and leaned up to kiss him. “I’m glad you think so.”

He brushed a drop of his emission from her cheek. “You need a shower. I made a mess.”

She kissed him again, her lips moving over his with passion and delight, pausing as his tongue brushed along hers. “Mmm.” Pulling back, she reached up to caress his mandible. “Yes, you did.” Laying her head against his chest, she let out a long, contented sigh. “I love it when you make a mess.”

The arm wrapped around her slipped down to her waist, his long talons spreading out over their daughter, his touch warm and comforting on her bare skin. “We should probably get ourselves showered and put back together. No doubt Lenka has cleaned everyone out at the poker table.”

Shepard laughed. “At this rate, we’re going to be able to retire and live off the ill-gotten gains of our tiny card-sharp.”

“Whose idea was it to teach our six-year-old to play poker anyway?” he grumbled.

“Kenneth’s, I’m sure.” Shepard let out a long sigh. “She’s been so lonely with James, Kaidan, and Terion gone.”

“Yeah.” Garrus sat up, lifting her with him. “Come on, let’s get showered, change and eat our cold dinner so that we can all just curl up and snuggle when she gets up here.”

An hour later, they lay side by side, just talking about simple things and caressing one another when Lenka burst through the door and raced down to jump up on the bed.

“I’m back,” she declared, flopping on her back between them.

“You are?” Shepard looked around, her hands groping blindly over the child. “Where?”

Lenka giggled and climbed up to kiss Shepard’s cheek. “Here I am.”

“Ooohhhh, there you are.” Shepard swept her up in a tight hug. “Mm, yep, it’s definitely you.”

“So,” Garrus said, “what have you been up to?” He hugged her as she leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“Watching a movie with Kenneth and Tali. It was about giant robots.” She let out a long-suffering, terribly adult sigh. “All they did was argue about whether or not robots that big could fight. And then, every time something blew up, Kenneth laughed, and Tali yelled at him about how many people died.”

“It’s a good thing they had you there to keep them in line,” Shepard teased.

“It was. Grown-ups act so silly sometimes.” She flopped back between them.

“Do you want to see your baby sister?” Garrus asked, reaching over to lift the datapad from his night stand, holding it just out of her reach.

“Sister?” Lenka squealed, lunging for the pad. “The baby’s a girl?” She snatched it from his hand and turned it on, staring rapt and silent at the picture. After a moment, she cooed. “Look at her tiny fingers!” She pointed out each one. “And her little toes! She’s so cute.”

“What do you think her name should be?” Shepard asked, her eyes on the scan.

Lenka frowned. “I think she should pick.” She lay between them again, resting her hand on Shepard’s belly. “Okay, baby, when you hear a name you like, kick.”

Garrus chuckled and turned on his side, spreading his hand next to Lenka’s. “Good idea. It’s going to be her name, after all.”

Shepard nodded, blinking rapidly to clear the sudden sting in her eyes as she slid her hand down to join theirs. “What if she’s sleeping?” she asked.

Lenka turned to her with a stare that told her she was clearly insane. “She won’t be sleeping. We’re picking her name,” Lenka explained. “It’s important.”

“Right, sorry.” Shepard glanced from one to the other. “So, who’s going to make the first suggestion?”

“Daddy.” Lenka looked over at Garrus, an eager grin on her face as she waited.

“Okay.” He made a show of thinking about it, his mandibles working. “Hmm, how about Treana?”

Shepard smiled and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “Her second name for sure.”

“Mommy, stay still. I can’t tell if she picks it with you moving around.” Lenka sighed and shook her head, her patience with the folly of grown-ups clearly drawing to an end. When Shepard lay back, she leaned in. “What do you think of Treana, baby?” She waited a second, then shook her head. “Her name’s not Treana, daddy. Too bad, it’s a pretty name.”

“It was my mother’s name,” her told her.

She smiled and pressed a small hand against his mandible, then turned to Shepard. “Okay, Mommy, your turn.”

“Well, then, maybe I’ll start with my mother’s name.” She nodded. “Elizabeth.”

Lenka shook her head after waiting for a moment. “I guess she wants her own name.”

Shepard chuckled and rubbed the child’s back. “You’re so wise, sometimes.”

“My turn.” Lenka laid there for a few seconds, her whole face showing the intensity of her thought process. Leaning closer to Shepard’s belly, she whispered, “Sophie.”

“The robot dog?” Shepard laughed “You want to name your baby sister after the robot dog?”

Shaking her head, Lenka giggled. “No, just making sure that she tells us only when she hears one she really likes.”

They listed off several names each, the baby remaining still the entire time.

“I think she might actually be asleep,” Shepard joked, shifting around to ease a cramp in her back. 

“No.” Lenka nestled her head in between Shepard’s arm and body. “She’s just waiting for the perfect name. Your turn, Daddy.”

“Fillia,” he offered, without opening his eyes.

When the baby didn’t respond, Lenka sighed. “Mommy?”

Shepard searched through her thoughts long enough that Lenka began to get restless next to her, but then she remembered the song her mother used to sing, and whispered. “With a joyous heart, I greet the dawn, soft and beautiful as kitten down. With mercy’s grace, I find my place, settled here within your arms.” She nodded. “Mercy.”

The baby ran a foot along the right side of Shepard’s belly, prompting Lenka to let out a delighted giggle. 

“She likes it.”

“It’s perfect,” Garrus said, leaning up to nuzzle his ladies. “I guess she knew what she was doing.”

“Mercy Treana Vakarian,” Shepard whispered, trying it out. “Yeah, it’s beautiful.”

The baby kicked again, and Lenka laughed. “She thinks so too.” The little batarian draped herself over Shepard, hugging the bulge. “Hi, Mercy. I’m your big sister, Lenka.” She kissed Shepard’s belly. “I luv yah.”

Shepard shook her head, blinking back happy tears. “You’re amazing, Lenka Elizabeth Vakarian.” A warm, loving smile curved her lips as Lenka sat up, staring at her.

“My name?” the child asked.

Shepard’s smile grew. “I don’t know. If Mercy can pick hers, you should be able to pick too.”

“We could name her after the robot dog,” Garrus offered, laughing as Lenka gave him a playful shove.

The child climbed up to wrap her arms around Shepard’s neck, nestling her face in against her mother’s shoulder. “I love it.”

Shepard hugged her, rubbing her back. “And I love you.” She held the child, her eyes closing. “Mmm, and I love the cuddles.”

“Daddy needs to cuddle,” Lenka sighed. “He’s missing out on the hugs.”

Garrus lifted himself up and moved over closer, wrapping his arms around them. “There, how’s that?”

Lenka nodded and turned her head to smile at him. “Much better.”

Shepard settled in against his side. “Yep, she’s right. It’s much better.” Eyes slipping closed, she relaxed, then chuckled as Mercy kicked. “Oh, seems like someone else likes the cuddles too.” They both pressed their hands against her, Lenka giggling her delight every time the baby moved.

After a moment, she pulled back to look at Lenka. “Oh, I just remembered. When I talked to James, he reminded me that I was supposed to give you and Mercy his present today.”

“He did? What is it?” Lenka sat up, her entire body practically humming with excitement. 

Shepard had no idea where so got her energy, but she envied the child’s apparently bottomless reserves. In answer to the question, she shrugged. “I don’t know what it is. Maybe you should open it and find out.” She nodded toward the desk. “It’s in the middle drawer.”

Lenka scrambled up and ran over, throwing the drawer open with the enthusiasm only a child confronted with the mystery of a gift could show. She pulled out the cloth-wrapped bundle and looked over at Shepard. “Is this it?”

“Yep.” Patting the mattress, Shepard nodded her over. “Come unwrap it where we can all see.”

Lenka did as she was told, setting the package down with an entertaining, almost reverent level of care. She stared at it for long moments, until Shepard heaved herself up to sit facing her. 

“What’s up, baby?” She took Lenka’s fingers in hers.

“I miss James,” she replied, her voice soft and sad. 

“Yeah, me too.” Shepard held out her arms, gathering the child into her rapidly disappearing lap. “But he’s getting better, and that’s what’s important, right?” She kissed Lenka’s cheek and nodded toward the gift. “But he really wanted you and Mercy to have whatever that is. Why don’t you unwrap it? Then, next time we talk to him, you can thank him.”

Lenka reached out and picked it up, undoing the wrapping and laying it open. She stared at the wonder within for a moment, before looking up into Shepard’s eyes. “What is it, Mommy?”

Shepard took the small, ornate metal box and turned it to show Lenka a key on one of the eight sides. “Turn that just until it doesn’t want to turn any more.” When the child finished, Shepard lifted the carved lid to reveal a tiny dancing bear on a red velvet surface. “It’s a music box,” she explained even as the first notes of music began, playing the song that she’d heard James humming so often over the months.

Lenka smiled and placed it on Shepard’s stomach. “Listen, Mercy. Isn’t it pretty? James made it for us.” The song finished and Lenka wound it back up, shuffling off the bed to set it on the coffee table. “I’m going to draw James a picture,” she said. “Then we can show him next call.”

“That’s a great idea, sweetie.” Shepard turned to lean against the bulkhead, pressed up against Garrus, watching their daughter.

“How was James this call?” Garrus asked.

“He’s had some tough days lately, but Neeyeah is teaching him to meditate in a traditional way, and the hunters are teaching him what he calls violent meditation.” She grinned. “It involves stabbing long pointy sticks into things.”

“Sounds like James’s sort of meditation,” Garrus said and chuckled. 

“Yeah, it does. He says when we get back there, he wants us to help him with some sort of ritual for releasing the past. I didn’t get all of it, but it’s about family and letting go of those lost. He’s really embracing their way of life, and even though the voices are still bad, he seems to be finding some peace.”

“It’s all we can hope for, I think,” he said, reaching up to lace his fingers with hers. “Brief moments of peace in the madness to catch our breath and prepare.”

She leaned over and kissed him. “Tomorrow, Earth.” She sighed. “At last.”

He nodded and nuzzled her lips, then turned to watch Lenka as the beautiful ethereal notes of the music box echoed through the cabin. “At last.”


	51. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back on Earth . . . frying pans and fires come to mind. (as a side note . . . 50 chapters . . . really? 50? sigh)

_December 19, 2187_

“Charon relay coming up starboard in thirty seconds,” Joker’s voice called over the comms.

Shepard looked at the child perched in Garrus’s arms, a serene smile whispering across her lips. A sigh escaped as she leaned into her mate’s side, his arm wrapped around her waist, both of hers around his. 

The relay appeared. Ringless still, the main portion of the enormous machine appeared intact. Lights along its length testified to restored power.

“Thank goodness for the Keepers,” someone sighed behind her.

“Still not going to do us any good for the trip to Palaven,” Ensign Copeland grumbled. “Another five month stint, here we come.”

Disappointment seesawed back and forth with relief over the fact that the relay wouldn’t be repaired in time for their trip to Palaven. The _Normandy_ had become her home over the years, loved and comfortable, if a little tight as months stretched out. The crew had bonded into a family in a way they probably wouldn’t have had they been able to socialize outside the frigate’s hull. They had their issues, as any family did, but once they reached Palaven, all that changed. Regret, sharp and bitter, accompanied the realization that everything might change before then.

Shepard released Garrus and turned to face the assembled crew. “I know not everyone is here, but I’ll bring this up anyway. Copeland makes a good point. In a week, the _Normandy_ returns to Palaven. We’ll be meeting up with asari and salarian escorts and splitting the refugee fleet up according to their destination at Pertexa.” A pointed finger circled to encompass all of them and the ship. “The _Normandy_ will officially be assigned to the galactic military academy. You are more than welcome to stay aboard and continue to serve on the Normandy, but I’ll understand if you’d prefer to chart another course.”

She met every eye in the room. “I believe the academy is an unparalleled opportunity to build a stronger, more united galaxy. I would love to have you all be a part of it. I value your loyalty and service more than I can say. This crew has become a family, and I’d miss you all.” She folded her arms across her chest and cocked a hip, her posture softening. “We’ll be on Earth six days. Spread the word, think about it, and let me know if you’d prefer to stay or go by 1200 day after tomorrow. I’ll make an official announcement just before we land.” 

Making a shooing gesture, Shepard chuckled. “Go on, we’ll be landing on Earth in a couple of hours. Lots to be done. And you didn’t hear it from me, but there’s a rumour that I’ll be doing a surprise inspection of all stations in ninety minutes.” A bright laugh greeted the crew’s grumbling. 

She turned into Garrus, wrapping her arms back around him. “Insubordinate, the lot of you.” Closing her eyes, she laid her head against his chest. “I can’t wait to smell the air, especially just before it snows.” She reached up and brushed Lenka’s cheek with a finger. “I hope it snows.” 

Garrus grumbled a little, but leaned down to nuzzle her temple.

“Okay, back to work. Lots to do and not much time to do it, taking into account that for three of our six days on Earth, we’ll be on vacation.” Standing on tip toe, she kissed them both. “I’ll meet you two in the cargo bay when we land.”

“Okay, Mommy.” Lenka hung down over Garrus’s arm and kissed her cheek. “I luv yah.”

Shepard pecked her back. “I luv yah.”

“Okay, I’m breaking this up before it starts,” Garrus said, his voice gruff, but without any edge. He set Lenka down and took her hand before nuzzling Shepard’s cheek. “We’ll be getting the batteries ready for inspection.”

“As you were then.” Shepard chuckled and followed them out the door, answering Lenka’s wave as they broke off heading for the main battery while she continued into the elevator.

In her cabin, Shepard sat down at her computer and went over the inventories and requisition lists that Steve had sent her. Four days to get the supplies from the _Normandy_ distributed to the refugee fleet, and Steve would be on his own for one of them. Of course, the whole production would shut down the two days of the wedding. 

The wedding. Shepard sighed. Two days of craziness. After she and Garrus talked about including turian bonding traditions with the human ones, they’d spoken with Sol a lot more, hammering out what they wanted, what they didn’t, and how to put it all together. Not an easy task, considering Sol refused to tell them half of what she’d arranged, insisting that the details remain top secret.

Shepard pushed that aside. An hour after they landed, she had a debriefing with Hackett followed closely by one with the council. The one with Hackett didn’t concern her. The one with the council on the other hand . . .. She shuddered. Well, she just hoped Hackett had the time to accompany her and thought to bring his sidearm. She’d sent reports about the events on Palaven and Pertexa, and the council had conducted more than one interrogation over the QEC, but she got the distinct impression that a lynching party awaited her arrival.

_“They might just demand that someone disassemble you, Skipper. Only way to make sure that you aren’t going all Reaper and destroying things. What happens if that beam destroyed Dekuuna or something? They could hang you as a war criminal.”_

“They wouldn’t do anything like that,” she muttered to herself. “I’m not some machine they can just tear apart.”

_“No, likely not, but they could rule your processor is illegal tech and order it removed. What would happen to you then?”_

Shepard forced herself to concentrate on her work. She was a person. The council would never rule to do anything so horrific. 

_“You’re right, probably not. Just stick you in a prison somewhere for the rest of your life to minimize the risk. Maybe house arrest. You are a war hero, after all.”_

Shepard slammed the door, shutting down the voice. She visualized a giant steel door that trapped Ashley’s mockery on the other side, then took time sealing it with as many locks as it took to block it out. Months of practice paid off, leaving her mind blessedly silent.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Shepard watched the ramp lower, almost holding her breath. Earth. Finally. Even though she’d never considered it her home, it felt like a homecoming. Kaidan, Sol, Gabby, Javik and the handful of crew that had been sent back with the _Albatross_ stood just beyond the ramp, waiting.

Before the ramp even touched ground, Gabby ran up to it. “Permission to come aboard, run down to engineering and tackle my husband, Admiral?”

“Permission to come aboard and commence husband tackling granted, Engineer Daniels.” A laughed chased the words from her mouth. “Welcome back.” 

“Thank you,” Gabby replied, already halfway to the elevator.

Looking back to her crew at the ramp, Shepard nodded her head, beckoning them aboard. “Come aboard, people, and welcome back.”

She wrapped her arm around Lenka’s shoulders as Garrus pressed his hand into the small of her back, a gentle, guiding support. The family headed down the ramp into a couple crazy moments of embraces, hugs, brow touches, hand shakes and words of love and greeting. Only Lenka hung back, gripping Shepard tight, playing shy.

“What?” Kaidan said, affecting a comical sad puppy expression. “No hugs for me? All these months I’ve been without Lenka hugs, and you know what happens to me when I don’t get hugs.” His face twisted into a ferocious snarl, his fingers curling into claws as his back hunched. He took a lumbering step toward the child who squealed and ran into his arms, throwing hers around his neck.

“I missed you, Kaidan,” she said, planting a kiss on the major’s cheek.

“And I missed you.” He hugged her tight, lifting her into his arms. “I had no one to play with.” He held up her hand to look at the paper clutched in her fingers. “What’s this?”

“A present for Ami Sol,” Lenka replied. “I drew her a picture.”

Kaidan leaned close to her ear and whispered, “Then you should probably give it to her.” He kissed her cheek and set her down.

Shepard grinned as she watched Kaidan and Lenka together, and for a moment she could see the life that would have been ahead of them had Horizon gone differently. Wrapping her arm around Mercy, her grin lost its edges. It looked like a good life, but things had worked out for the best.

Sol crouched, and gave Lenka a warm, turian smile. “You made something for me?”

Lenka nodded and held it out, suddenly shy again. “It’s a drawing of our whole family.”

Looking at it, Sol’s mandibles fluttered gracefully. “It’s beautiful, Lenka. Thank you.” One arm offered an invitation. “May I give you a hug?”

Hesitating like a fawn leaving the shelter of its dam’s side, Lenka ventured into her _ami’s_ hug. Once there, her shoulders dropped, and a tiny, musical giggle escaped her lips. Seeming to find a safe place in her _ami’s _arms, she turned to point to the picture.__

__“That’s you and Papa, Mommy and Daddy, and me and Mercy.”_ _

__“And the robot dog.” Sol chuckled. “You’re quite the artist, just like your _pari_.”_ _

__Lenka looked at her _ami_ for a moment, then reached up and touched Sol’s long, graceful mandible. “You’re very pretty.”_ _

__Sol nuzzled the child’s cheek. “So are you.” She released Lenka and stood, a rough groan shuddering from her throat as she straightened. After looking around, she nodded as if her surroundings passed muster. “So, this is the _Normandy_? I can’t wait to see her.”_ _

__Kaidan stepped up beside her, a casual, supporting hand on her elbow. “You’ll be sick of her by the time we reach Palaven.”_ _

__Shepard’s gaze brushed over that familiar contact. She knew they’d been hanging out over the month since the _Albatross_ landed. She smiled and nodded; it felt right._ _

__“Okay,” Sol said, a decisive clap shattering the moment. “We’re on a fairly tight schedule for the next three days.” Her beautiful ice-chip gaze settled on Shepard. “You have two debriefings starting in about ten minutes, during which time Lenka and Kaidan will show me around the ship and helped me get settled in. Once you are free from being interrogated, it’s all about the wedding. So much . . . so much wedding.”_ _

__“You’re terrifying me, you know that, right?” Shepard asked._ _

__“There’s no need.” Sol latched onto Shepard’s shoulders with a bracing grip. “All you need to do for the next few days is relax, and let the world pamper you.”_ _

__Her hawk-like regard turned to her father and brother as she released Shepard. “You two already have a mission, so grab who you need, and get to it.”_ _

__Garrus gave her a very sarcastic salute, but disobeyed long enough to turn to Shepard, a hand lifting to her cheek, the gesture adding intensity to his stare. He lowered his head to meet her eye to eye. “Do you want me at the debriefings?”_ _

__Shepard shook her head. “Yes, but I can handle it.” She waffled, teetering on the edge of asking him to come along. What if the council did try to hold her? After a second, she nodded. “Yeah. I’ve got it. If I’m not out in four hours, come in after me, and bring heavy weapons.” She turned her head to kiss his palm. “Have fun, I’ll see you in a bit.”_ _

__After passing hugs around, Shepard looked up at the steel-coloured clouds and drew in a deep breath of the clean, frosty air. It smelled metallic and laden with promise. Their walk in the snow might just happen._ _

__“Unless the council rips my master implant out.” That thought punctured her, the air whooshing from her lungs like a slashed tire._ _

__Three hours later, Shepard stumbled out the door to Alliance Headquarters on wooden legs. She slipped, her foot skidding a few centimetres before gripping. Her knee locked with a numb jolt that stopped her in her tracks. Something smacked her in the eye, and she blinked, looking up and taking a few more hits before realizing her assailants were giant snowflakes. She closed her eyes, savouring the small, icy kisses as they melted on her skin._ _

__She didn’t know how much time passed before the chill worked itself far enough into her flesh to pull her out of her reverie, but eventually she turned from the heavens to look around the docks. The _Normandy_ pulled at her with its unique gravity, but after being put through the wringer, folded and put through over and over, she couldn’t stand the thought of being boxed in. Instead, she headed for the picnic tables by the river. _ _

__Dusting off a spot, she sat on the table, her feet kicking the built up snow off the bench seat. Folding down onto her knees, she wrapped her arms tight over her stomach, trapping her hands in her armpits to warm her fingers. Unseeing eyes stared out at the Thames’ swirling, black current as it flowed past the docks into the city. Not even the beauty of the new snow piling up on everything stole her attention away from the conversation repeating on a loop inside her head.._ _

___“We consider you a threat of the most grave sort, Admiral Shepard, and we will be watching you carefully,”_ Valern’s oily whine insisted._ _

___“I’m no threat to anyone, Councillor. Balak is the threat, well connected or no. I did nothing but land on that planet to lend humanitarian aid. He and Cerberus caused those people a great deal of suffering. He planted that device.”_ _ _

___“That you were merely a tool used by other forces is the reason we may allow you to leave here today, Admiral.”_ Tevos’s too-smooth, rational condescension grated on Shepard’s nerves worse than Valern’s nasal petulance. _“Ka’Hirol Balak is trying to rebuild his people, and is a firm supporter of Governor Pazness. We’re not convinced that he’s the driving force behind these events. The evidence you’ve submitted could be clever forgeries created by someone to frame Balak and derail batarian rebuilding. Before the end of the day, you’ll submit to a complete psychological examination. If you do not, your Spectre status will be revoked, and you may face incarceration.”__ _

___“Without trial?”_ Shepard shuddered, the fear still stark, all daggers and spikes. _“Despite everything I’ve done, both for the galaxy and this Council in particular, you wouldn’t even afford me the same rights as a common pick-pocket? You chicken-shit, spineless bastards.”_ She’d turned to Sparatus, barely able to focus for the pulse hammering inside her skull. _“And what do you say to all this, Councillor? You’ve been unusually silent.”__ _

___“You have an exemplary record of service, and I trust you both as a Spectre and a person, Shepard, but this revelation of your implants being based on Reaper AI . . ..”_ _ _

__“Mommy! It’s snowing!” Lenka’s happy shout dragged Shepard out of the ugliness. She ran over and climbed up onto the bench to lean on her mother’s knees._ _

__Shepard smiled and ran a loving hand over the knit hat covering Lenka’s head. “Don’t you look all cuddly warm?” She took the child’s hands in hers. “Mitts and a sweater too, and in pink.”_ _

__Lenka held out her arms. “Ami Sol made them for me. Aren’t they pretty?”_ _

__Shepard pulled the child into a hug. “They are pretty, and you make them even prettier.”_ _

__Kaidan and Sol followed close behind the child._ _

__“Well, judging by how white you’ve gone, I guess I don’t need to ask how things went with the council,” Sol said, stepping up to sit beside her._ _

__Shepard shook her head. “I have to go back in a few minutes for a full psych eval. I don’t know when I’ll be done.” She kissed Lenka and hugged her tight. “Goodness, you are soft and fluffy.” She chuckled. “I can’t stop hugging you.”_ _

__Kaidan pelted them with loosely packed snowballs. “Lighten up, ladies. It’s snowing.”_ _

__Lenka wriggled free and hopped down to make snowballs of her own, flinging them at the major._ _

__“Here.” Sol held out a cream, cable knit sweater, she’d been carrying draped over her arm. “I made you one too.”_ _

__Shepard tugged it over her head, thankfully. “I never realized you were so handy.”_ _

__“I had a lot of time on my hands, and there are a billion sheep . . . everywhere . . . in this country. They sell the wool down at the markets. Mel smuggled it in for me.” Sol settled the sweater on Shepard’s shoulders and pulled it down. “Mmm, it’s a bit big, but it’ll do.” She smiled and wrapped an arm behind the admiral. “So, what’s the deal with the psych eval?”_ _

__“I’m a danger to galactic peace and stability, apparently. The first two came at me straight: we don’t trust you as far as we can throw you. Sparatus said he trusts me as a person and a Spectre, but my having a head full of Reaper-based tech is a problem for him. Personally, I think they’re just trying to cover something up. Heck if I know what though.” Shepard hugged herself, rubbing her upper arms. As the sweater warmed her, the chill at her core stood out, slick as wet ice, pale and milky like cataracts._ _

__Sol hugged Shepard against her side. “So, you’ll jump through their hoops today, then forget about it.. They can’t take the _Normandy_. They can’t take the loyalty and love of your people. We pull out of here in a week, and we don’t look back. The council is done. They know it, and they hate it, so they’re looking for scapegoats.” She tilted her head in the turian version of a shrug. “We won’t be here for you to be one.”_ _

__Shepard gave Sol a bump with her shoulder, and chuckled. “It just amazes me that after four years of saving their asses, they still doubt me.”_ _

__“They don’t.” Sol turned a little to look straight into her eyes. “They know exactly who and what you are. In fact, they’re counting on it.” Her mandibles dropped as her spine stiffened. “It’s never been about you being right or trustworthy. It’s always been about how to best use you in their game. You are a predictable piece on the board, and they’ve used that to their advantage.” Sol uttered a curse in the closed dialect. “Three people setting policy for such vast tracts of the galaxy has never made any sense to me. High time for change.”_ _

__Shepard took a deep breath, pulling her shoulders up to her ears, then letting them drop with the exhale. “I’ve never been able to figure out what their game is. I thought it was about keep people calm, keeping things running so that a panic didn’t tear everything down around us, but now . . ..” She glanced at the chrono on her omnitool. “I’ve got to get back in there. I don’t know how long I’ll be. Are you guys okay with the munchkin until Garrus and Dad get back?”_ _

__Sol’s head twitched toward the grass where Kaidan and Lenka lay sprawled in the scant five centimetres of snow, making angels. “I think we’re okay.”_ _

__Shepard grinned, the sight pushing back her worries for the space of a breath or two. She heaved herself up off the table. “Okay, I so have to make one.” She held her hand out to Sol. “Help!” WIth Sol’s help, she eased herself onto the ground. Flapping her arms and legs, she squinted and wrinkled her nose as the fat flakes drifted down onto her face._ _

__Lenka rolled over, flopping over Shepard’s arm. “You make a good angel, Mommy.”_ _

__Shepard hugged her. “So do you, my angel in pink.” She groaned then laughed. “Now that I’m down here, I’m a beached whale. I’m never getting back up.”_ _

__Kaidan stood over her. “This is so sad.”_ _

__“Help,” she said, flailing. “Pregnant lady down!” At that, she started laughing so hard that any rescue attempt became impossible._ _

__Sol clucked her tongue. “I hope the council can’t see this, you lunatic.” Despite managing to hold a stern glare for a few seconds, chuckles broke through, and she held out her hands. “Come on, get up before you’re soaked through.”_ _

__“Grab her hands, Sol. I’ll hoist from behind,” Kaidan directed._ _

__Shepard just laughed helplessly. “Get a crane, or a shuttle. You can roll me into a net and airlift me to the ocean and release me back into my natural habitat.”_ _

__“Get up, Mommy,” Lenka giggled, tugging at her arm._ _

__Between the three of them, they levered her to her feet and dusted the snow from her clothes._ _

__“My heroes.” She hugged each of them, saving Lenka for last. “I have another meeting, baby. Are you okay with Sol and Kaidan for a little while longer?”_ _

__Lenka nodded and kissed Shepard’s cheek. “We’re going to see if we can find a hamster at the markets.”_ _

__“If that’s all right with you,” Kaidan added. “The markets are well patrolled, and I’ll have my sidearm.”_ _

__Shepard nodded and caressed a finger under Lenka’s chin. “It has been a little lonely without Mordin, hasn’t it?” She pressed a soft kiss to the top of the child’s head. “Okay, it sounds like a good idea. I should be back for dinner.”_ _

__“Or we send in the cavalry,” Kaidan said, the steel in his eyes telling her that he’d overheard their conversation._ _

__“Good to know.” After kissing Lenka’s chilly, red cheek, Shepard struck out for Alliance Headquarters once more._ _

__Over the years after Mindoir, and then again after Akuze, Shepard had become all too familiar with psych evals. Still, what seemed like endless hours passed while she recounted her past, drew pictures, and gave biofeedback readings while listening to music, seeing random images, suffering through physical stimuli, and smelling a myriad of scents._ _

__At the end, the doctor sat her down, holding his datapad like a shield. He stared at her for a long time, not saying anything, but she just relaxed into her chair and waited him out._ _

__“You’ve been through a great deal for a woman your age,” he said at last, trying for casual and detached, but his stare felt like an eel’s._ _

__Her laugh came out all edges and corners. “For a woman of any age, I think it’s safe to say.”_ _

__He softened a bit around his eyes and the corners of his mouth. Suddenly she felt very aware of the way the chair cut into the backs of her thighs, the weight of the floor pushing up against her feet, and the fact that her hands had nothing to keep them occupied. Even the air pressed in on her, and it took every ounce of her will to keep from leaping out of her chair to pace._ _

__“According to all the reports from various sources over the past several months, you have continued function at an exemplary level both as a soldier and commander.” His stare gave away nothing of his opinion. “How do you feel you’ve handled being back in command of the _Normandy_?”_ _

__Shepard’s first instinct was to leap to her own defense and say that everything had been fine, thank you very much, but had it? Just because things mostly worked out for the better didn’t mean that her decisions hadn’t been questionable at the time._ _

__“There have been rough patches,” she admitted, the words not as sour as she expected. “I made a difficult decision on the Crucible. I can’t say that hasn’t haunted me, made me less willing to make choices where others might bear the consequences.”_ _

__She crossed her legs, her fingers picking at the hem of her sweater. “But, I’m done.” She shrugged. “Oh, not with life, or anything that melodramatic.” Her genuine, if a little weary, smile got a small one in return. “I’m ready to raise a family and teach the next generation how to protect the things they hold most dear. Let them command the ships and lead the troops. Hopefully, if I’ve done my job over the last seventeen years, they won’t have to make the same mistakes I have.”_ _

__He eased a little further into his chair. “And what about becoming a mother? How do you feel about that?”_ _

__Beaming, she wrapped an arm around Mercy. “Excited, in awe, over-the-moon happy, terrified. It varies. It’s the next big adventure, but having Lenka in our lives these past months has shown me what a gift it is.”_ _

__“Have you considered surrendering the batarian child to be raised by batarian parents?”_ _

__Shepard pulled back as if he’d slapped her. “No. She’s happy and loved with us. We’re going to be a multi-cultural family anyway, so including batarian culture won’t be that much of a stretch.”_ _

__He shifted a little, his eyes twitching toward the door. Shepard followed his glance, half expecting a squad of C-Sec to come bursting through. After a moment, she turned back, twisted metal settling back to its original position._ _

__“You’ll have your own child in a few months. Why not grant a childless batarian couple the same blessing?”_ _

__“One is not a substitute or a replacement for the other. Lenka is happy with us. She loves and trusts us. We’re the only safe harbour that child has ever known.” She gave her head a firm shake. “I won’t rip our hearts out, nor the hearts of her grandfather, aunt, and friends on the off chance that another couple might love her. Lenka is our daughter.” Shepard almost stood, but forced herself to remain sitting. Biting her lip, she reined in the desire to berate him for suggesting that Mercy could replace Lenka like last year’s car model. Something in the back of her mind whispered to leave it._ _

__He asked a few more questions, but she answered them perfunctorily, all her senses focused on the door. A need to return to her family started as a vague ache in her throat, the pain of having swallowed too much at once, but it quickly built toward panic, until it felt as though her chest would explode._ _

__“Thank you for coming in so quickly and being so cooperative, Admiral Shepard.”_ _

__She realized he was standing, holding out his hand, so jumped up and took it in a firm grip. Unable to find anything to say that didn’t sound pathetic, patronizing or pissed off, she settled for a curt nod and a military turn to the door. As soon as the door shut behind her, she sagged back against it and closed her eyes. She let out a bitter chuckle of relief. For a moment there, it hadn’t seemed like she’d be able to walk out._ _

__“Admiral Shepard.”_ _

__Shepard jumped, a heavy, whistling gasp forcing its way out her lips before she clamped them shut on it. Her searching gaze discovered the turian councillor standing a few feet away._ _

__“Councillor Sparatus.” She straightened, smoothing out her composure along with her sweater. “What can I do for you, sir?”_ _

__The turian let out a breath that rumbled with what sounded like a combination or regret and resignation. “You have done far more for the council, and each of us personally than we had a right to expect.” He paced a few strides, his shoulders hunched, his hands clasped behind his back. After a moment, he nodded toward the corridor. “Walk with me?”_ _

__It was a request, not a demand. Shepard nodded and followed._ _

__The councillor’s demeanour was that of a man with a burden that weighed on him, but she also sensed a knife edge of fear that he negotiated warily. She opened her mouth to speak a couple of times, but stopped herself. Beside her walked a proud man, doing his best to find his way through something difficult, if not deadly. She could wait._ _

__“Tevos and Valern know that I support a galactic senate. They believe this means that I cannot be trusted.” He glanced up at the ceiling a couple of times._ _

__Avoiding cameras? He didn’t say anything again until they’d made their way to the main floor and into the no man’s land between the inner and outer exit doors. Shepard checked the ceiling but saw no cameras._ _

__“There have been clandestine meetings. I do not know with whom, but I do know that my fellow council members believe it is someone who will help them retain their power. I also know that you are a threat to them.” He looked down on her, holding her gaze for a long moment. “Be careful, Admiral. They wanted this evaluation for a reason.” He spun on his talons and headed back inside._ _


	52. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before the day before the BIG day.

**December 19, 2187**

Garrus slammed through the front door, spine rigid, mandibles low and tight, jaw fixed. His eyes flicked over her without recognition, their glare cold, furious and deadly. A flush of ice raced through her veins, lifting the hairs on her skin in its wake. Garrus intended to rip the place apart, so intent and deadly in his purpose that he almost made it through the second door before recognition stopped him, and he turned to her.

"Shepard?"

Walking past him, out into the snow, Shepard stared at the sky in a dream-like daze. "It's almost dark. How long was I in there?" She huffed and lifted a weary hand to press against his chest as he stepped around her, his stare softening before her from murder to concern. "I thought it only felt like forever." Too tired even to hold her hand up, she let it slide down, but he caught it in both of his before it dropped.

"Are you all right? You look exhausted . . . and terrified." He pulled her in, wrapping a protective arm around her. "What happened in there? What did they do?" He cursed and twisted as if to head in and tear the place apart anyway.

"I'm fine, Garrus. Well, mostly fine. It was just a psych eval." She slipped her arm around his waist and started back toward the _Normandy_. "The council said they were worried about all the Reaper-based tech inside my head. Not sure what they thought a psych eval would tell them about it. I think it went okay, but the shrink started asking some weird questions about Lenka and the baby at the end."

Looking over at the river, she bumped him and nodded toward the crowd gathered around a massive bonfire. "What's going on over there?"

"Roasting cylindrical meat and small white blocks over the fire," he shrugged as if dismissing it as some strange human thing.

Shepard chuckled. "It's a weiner roast."

"Yeah, that's what they called it." He guided her toward the bench outside the hospital. "Let's talk for a minute before we head over there." He brushed the snow off the wood and sat, pulling her onto his lap. "So, start from the beginning."

She curled up in his arms, everything that the council said during their debriefing and the details of her discussion with the psychiatrist pouring from her in a rapid stream that left her feeling hollowed out, but clean and relieved. The council's worries and thinly veiled threats seemed like nothing more than posturing as she repeated them. When she finished, he sat quietly for a few minutes before letting out a long breath.

"I wondered if the batarian parents issue might come up," he said, his voice a gentle rumble.

Shepard frowned. "It did? It never occurred to me."

"It didn't occur to you because you didn't destroy Aratoht to wreak bloody vengeance upon the batarians, but most batarians believe you did. I wondered if they would object to us raising a batarian child. I can almost guarantee that's what all this is about." He hugged her. "We'll keep her close to us or family until we leave for Palaven."

Shepard lurched to her feet, backing away a couple of steps. Her eyebrows drew together as her heart stumbled around in her chest, trying to find a rhythm but failing. "You don't . . .." She sucked in a trembling breath of the frozen iron air, the world taking a hard dive to the left. "You don't think they'd try to take her from us, do you?"

Garrus jumped up and caught her as she stumbled. "I think they'll try, Shepard." He held her tight against him.

"No! She's ours. It'll break her heart if they take her." She pulled away from him, panic building in her chest until the pressure forced tears from her eyes. "It'll . . .." She took a couple of steps, not with any destination in mind.

"It'll break our hearts if they take her," he finished, gathering her back into his arms. "But I said that they might try to take her, Shepard. I didn't say they'd succeed." He turned her to face him and pressed his brow to hers. "If they try, we fight them until we win. Right? That's what we do."

She nodded, a tremulous smile almost forming before it disappeared. "Yeah, it is." She turned to look at the fire, her head still pressed against his. Kaidan crouched behind Lenka, helping her hold her weiner stick over the flames. "And we'll have help." She let out a long breath. "It just never ends, does it?"

He sighed and rested his cheek against her hair. "Come on, even though I'm never one to suggest ignoring a tactical threat, I say that we table worries about galactic politics for the next two days and try to enjoy ourselves. We've had a hell of a hard year, Shepard, and we deserve a few days to focus on one another and our family before we start the next one."

She wrapped her arms around him and let out a bitter chuckle. "Thanks for that, Mr. Optimism, but you're right. There are 363 other days in the year to worry. These two are for you and me and our family. Like Sol said, they can't take the _Normandy_. Worse comes to worst, we take her and head out to the Terminus, go pirate."

He chuckled and squeezed her. "We'll have to find Jack if that happens. I know she'd hate to miss that."

Shepard grinned and rested her head in the angle between his armour's yoke and shoulder. "I doubt we could drag her away from her students now, even to go pirate." Shepard's brow wrinkled in a thoughtful frown. "I wonder if we'll see her over the next couple of days. I think she's still on Earth somewhere."

He pulled back just far enough to wrap a supportive arm behind her, leading her toward the fire. "Come on, let's go roast some meat tubes and mushmelons-whatever they are-and enjoy the evening."

Shepard laughed as she leaned into his side. "That's marshmallows: little, fluffy, sugary things that taste amazing toasted. Too bad they'd probably kill you."

"It's okay, Sol has apparently secured provisions for the dextros. I just hope it's not meal bars roasted over an open flame. They're horrific even without scorch marks." He stopped and looked down at her. "Are you warm enough?"

"If she's not, these will help," Sol said, walking up to them from the direction of the _Normandy_. She held up a knit hat and tugged it onto Shepard's head, then wrapped a scarf around her neck and pulled mittens onto her hands. "There, just what the well dressed Alliance Admiral is wearing this season."

Shepard laughed as she settled the hat and mitts more comfortably. "Wow, you have been reading way too many of Mel's fashion magazines."

The turian let out a deep sigh. "Probably true." She stepped in next to Shepard's other side and slipped her arm around the admiral's waist. "Now, you look even worse than you did before, so I am ordering you to come sit by this very lovely fire, burn some meat, set fire to small balls of sugar, and forget about whatever those bastards are trying to do to your brain."

Shepard laughed and turned to kiss Sol's cheek. "You're your brother's sister."

Sol's brow plates arched, and she shook her head. "Humans are so strange."

"Speaking of Mel . . .. Where is she?" Shepard sat next to Lenka who was trying to fit an entire hotdog in her mouth at once. "Small bites, I don't want to have to do the Heimlich Maneuver to get that thing out of your throat." She leaned down to kiss the child's temple, fighting back panic. They couldn't take her.

"These are really good, Mommy. Kaidan helped me not burn it. Kenneth set his on fire. Gabby had to stick it in the snow before he set everyone on fire." She turned back to her hot dog, a wide smile on her face as she chomped her way through it.

Sol sat on the bench furthest from the fire, setting a large container on the table. "Mel and Paul are moving onto one of the ships bound for Thessia tonight, but they'll be at the wedding." She opened it to reveal small chunks of _drellak_ roast. "Grab a stick. Garrus."

"They're going to Thessia? Together?" Shepard smiled and nodded as she stroked a gentle hand down Lenka's back. "Excellent."

"For you, Admiral." Kaidan passed Shepard a long stick with a weiner pre-stuck on the end.

"Why, thank you. This fire has excellent service." She grinned and held it out toward the fire, slipping it between people. "Everyone out of the way, admiral's weinie coming through." She cackled at their reactions.

"So wrong in so many ways, Shepard," Kaidan groaned as he turned and walked around the table to sit beside Sol. "So, so very wrong." He passed Sol a stick, ducking his head to hide a blush as she bumped him with her shoulder and said something in a whisper too low for Shepard to catch.

She grinned as she watched them.

"They're working into something, aren't they?" Garrus asked, climbing up to sit next to her.

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, I think so." She turned her stick. "It's a good thing. She'll kick his ass a little."

Garrus put one arm around her as he held his stick of turian-friendly meat in the flames. "As long as she doesn't play _hideth turram_ with him. She's brilliant, but brutal. Even to her own team members. I've seen her scare more than one potential mate away during a _turram_ match."

"We'll be doing that tomorrow at some point, won't we?" She laughed at his nod. "Oh, now this I have to see."

"Her leg will slow her down a tiny bit, but it won't stop her talons . . . or her elbows . . . or her shoulders." He winced as if remembering an injury associated with each. "Brutal."

"Not my fault you're delicate, Twig," Sol said, growling as she stepped up beside him.

"Hackett find you any armour?" Garrus asked, ignoring his sister. "You might want it tomorrow."

"Not yet." Shepard shook her head. "Oddly hard to find giant-pregnant-lady armour. Who knew?" Leaning into him, she sighed. "Hackett said he'll get some made so it's adjustable after we get all the wedding stuff over with."

"Over with?" Sol asked, clutching a hand to her keel. "After all that I've done . . . the planning, and the organizing . . . the sleepless nights . . . and you want to get it over with?"

Shepard just raised an eyebrow. "Nice performance. It's just an expression. I'm actually pretty excited to see all the secret things you have up your sleeve."

"After you finish eating, I'll spirit you away to try on your dress before we head out tomorrow, just in case it needs to be altered. Then tomorrow morning, bright and early, it's off to Lisbon for breakfast and the rest of the wedding." Sol's mandibles fluttered hard as she watched Shepard register what she said.

"Lisbon?" It took a moment to let that sink in. "What's in Lisbon?" A wide grin warmed Shepard's face.

"Hopefully, slightly warmer weather, sun, lack of snow, and the most amazing place to hold a wedding that I have ever seen. More on that tomorrow when we arrive." Sol held out her hands, gesturing around them. "I don't know if you noticed this, but it's bloody freezing here."

Shepard grinned. "I can't wait to see it." She glanced over at Garrus, who was staring at his sister like he'd never really looked at her before.

"Thanks for putting all this together, Stretch," he said, his voice soft and serious.

She gave him a sharp nod, but her mandibles fluttered in the same awkward, emotional way she shared with her father and brother. "It gave me a chance to see Earth a little. Who knows when I'll get a chance to come back."

Shepard pulled her supper out of the fire and into a waiting bun, thanks to Kaidan's efficient service.

"Mustard, onions and relish, right?" the major asked.

Shepard laughed. "You remember what I put on my hot dogs?"

He shrugged. "Guess so."

Lenka finished hers and looked up at Shepard, the lower half of her face covered in mustard and ketchup. "That was so yummy."

Shepard shook her head and grabbed a napkin to wipe up the worst of the mess. "Wait until you try marshmallows."

While Kaidan taught Lenka how to toast the perfect marshmallow and Shepard ate her hot dog, she watched her crew. Even Javik looked pleased to be back amongst familiar primitives. He and Liara sat huddled together at one of the tables in what looked like a serious discussion. Kenneth and Gabby were wrapped around one another, making her smile. After six months apart, they wouldn't be able to pry her off Garrus using the jaws of life.

Several of the crew had paired off over the months. Some she'd suspected before, but no one was bothering to hide their relationships any longer. She was glad of it. As long as nothing interfered with the safety and function of the _Normandy_ , life was too short to spend playing cool and hiding something that should be celebrated. She'd decided that two days after Garrus rejoined the team during the war. Actually, one night spent alone, two decks over his head pretty much decided that for her.

Lenka climbed up to sit next to her, hands and face sticky with melted marshmallow. "I love marshmallows, Mommy."

"Oh my goodness, look at you. How are we going to go for a walk in the snow with you all covered in sticky?" Shepard grinned and shook her head. "I need to start carrying . . .." A wet cloth appeared in front of her face. "Kaidan," she said without looking at him, "have I mentioned that I sort of hate you?" She took the cloth and washed Lenka up. "But, thank you."

Garrus slid off the table and held his arms out to Lenka. "Come on, I want to go for a walk with my fluffy ladies." He boosted Lenka up on his hip, one arm around her, then held his hand out to Shepard.

Clasping her fingers around his, Shepard slipped down off the table and followed him out into the snow, away from the fire.

They walked along the riverbank in silence, looking at the brightly coloured lights the base staff had draped pretty much wherever they could. The conversations and laughter around the fire faded into a comforting background murmur, hushed by the feeling of complete calm.

"The lights are so pretty," Lenka said, her voice barely more than a whisper. She cuddled in against Garrus, her head resting on his yoke, her fuzzy hat brushing his cheek.

"They sure are. Wonder where they found them," Shepard replied. "My first post-Reaper Christmas . . . well, spent conscious anyway." She leaned into Garrus's side and watched the giant flakes drift to earth. "Lots to be grateful for." Brushing her toes through the heavy snow, she shook her head, a quick twitch of regret. "It's too easy to forget that in the face of everything going on in the moment."

Garrus squeezed her fingers. "A year ago the _Normandy_ was on Bekenstein." He kept his voice soft, as if the stillness around them was a sacred thing. "I couldn't have imagined tonight if I'd tried." Gentle nuzzles tickled Lenka's cheek, making her giggle. "I couldn't imagine that I would have a beautiful daughter and another one on the way. I didn't even know if I'd find you, let alone let myself dream that we'd be getting married."

Shepard released his hand and slipped her arm around him, pressing into his side.

They turned to walk over an old, stone bridge, pausing to marvel that it had survived when so little else had. Lenka gasped and giggled in delight when she saw the lights strung along the shallow arch reflected on the water below. They passed over the bridge into the old city and stared at the ruins, a shimmering blanket of snow collecting wherever the surfaces laid close enough to horizontal for it to stick. It covered the ugly, but couldn't cover the sorrow and loss that hung over everything. Ghosts wandered those ruins.

Shepard closed her eyes and tilted her head back, waiting for a snowflake to land on the tip of her nose. When one did, she made a wish for the souls of all the lost to find their way to somewhere better, somewhere peaceful.

"Mommy?"

Shepard opened her eyes to look up at her daughter and smiled. "My parents and I used to go for a long walk in the first snow. We played a game where we waited for a snowflake to land on the end of our nose and then made a wish." Letting out a long breath, she looked back out at what remained of London. "I was making a wish that all the lost find their way home."

Garrus pulled her in tight and bent to press his mouth against her hair. "Let's get back?"

Shepard grinned. "Talons getting cold, my love?"

He chuckled. "No, just wanting to get my ladies home and relax. Tomorrow is going to be a full day." His gaze turned to Lenka. "You excited to spend the next couple of days with your _ami_?"

She nodded. "It's just going to be down one deck, so I'll be fine, and Ami Sol is fun."

Shepard grinned. "You're so brave."

Lenka's brow furrowed, the depths of her lovely, dark eyes intent and mature far beyond her years, and suddenly Shepard saw a very clear picture of the remarkable woman she'd grow into one day. "I can be brave now," the child said, her voice as adult and intense as her face. "With the master, I just had to obey. If I got scared, I never had a choice to be brave, I just had to do as I was told. Being brave feels better."

Garrus chuffed and nuzzled her cheek.

"Yeah," Shepard agreed, reaching up to lay her mittened hand against her daughter's face. "Come on, lets get home. I'm starting to get a little cold."

They turned back, walking in silence, savouring each other's company until they neared the fire.

"You practice the _Cohamentum_ with Dad yet today?" Garrus asked, a quick glance down at Shepard revealing his nervousness.

Shepard sighed. "Yes, first thing this morning, and he's dragging me out of bed early tomorrow too." She squeezed Garrus. "I want to do this well. I know the dance is a really important part of the bonding ceremony, but . . .." She sighed again. "I'll do my best."

He nodded. "I know you will."

She slumped a little against his side. "If I screw it up . . .."

"It's just superstition, Shepard. I'm sure more than a few pairs have made a mess of the dance and still gone on to have long, happy unions." Leaning down to nuzzle her, he gave her a gentle squeeze. "No matter what, I love you for trying so hard."

Shepard pressed her lips together in a bleak smile. Over the months since they decided to incorporate turian traditions in their wedding, Herros had patiently taught her the _Cohamentum_. Turians grew up learning the dance from their parents in preparation for the day of their bonding, because tradition said that their ability to stay with their partners throughout the complex movements predicted the compatibility of their union. If Shepard's ability was an indicator of their marriage's success, she and Garrus should have divorced three months before they met. A long sigh escaped before she caught it.

Making a fool of herself on the dance floor at a club never really bothered her, but making both of them and their marriage look like a joke . . .. Well, suddenly including turian customs didn't seem like as great an idea as it once did.

Sol walked up to them as they approached the fire, then stopped and stared at Shepard, her mandibles dropping. After a heartbeat, she turned to Garrus. "What did you say? You were supposed to be going for a nice, peaceful walk, and the bride comes back looking like she's changed her mind."

Shepard stepped in, trying for a chuckle to set her sister-in-law's mind at ease, but it came out bitter. "He didn't say anything, Sol, and I haven't changed my mind."

"Well, good, because we need to try on your dress before my genius dressmaker goes to bed." A firm, almost motherly hand grabbed hold of Shepard's even as Sol looked at her brother. "Apparently, it's bad luck for you to see her wearing it before the big moment, so you need to find something to do for a half hour or so." She looked to Lenka. "You going to come see what your mari's dress looks like, or keep your pari company?"

Lenka looked to Garrus who nodded toward the ship, his chuckle a warm response to the pleading in her stare. "Go on, I'll be fine." After another nuzzle, he set the child down. "I'll see you two in a half hour."

Bracing hands on his yoke, Shepard stood on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his mouth, then allowed Sol to lead her back to _Normandy_ , Lenka tromping through the snow and making monster noises just ahead of them. The ship felt wonderfully warm after the frosty outdoors. Stepping into the elevator, Shepard felt as though it had been a week since she left the _Normandy_ that morning.

"I'll meet you upstairs," Sol said, getting out at the CIC.

Shepard started stripping off her winter clothing as the elevator opened. She headed into the bathroom and laid everything out on the shelves. "Lenka, sweetie, bring your sweater and stuff in here so I can lay them out to dry."

Sol walked in just as Shepard finished washing the sticky remains of supper off Lenka's face, neck, and hands. "I swear you ended up wearing more of it than you ate," she teased, giving the child a playful swat.

Lenka giggled and ran down to the coffee table and her crayons.

"Wow," Shepard said, walking out of the bathroom, "that is a massive garment bag." She chuckled. "Now, I'm afraid my tulle nightmares are coming true."

Sol just shook her head. "So little faith, although I did have to rein in Mel somewhat. She wanted far too much skin showing. I'm not sure if asari go through their bonding nearly nude, but you certainly weren't." She hung the bag from the top shelf next to the bathroom door and opened it.

As Sol worked the dress free of the bag, Shepard's mouth dropped open. "Oh my god, Sol." She walked over to touch it, literally stunned by the beauty of it. "How did you manage this?"

Sol's mandibles spread wide as she grinned. "I met a very lovely dressmaker on the journey here. We scrounged for materials, and made you the best dress we could manage."

"It's absolutely amazing." Shepard reached out to touch one lacy, embroidered cream-coloured sleeve. "So beautiful."

"Well, quit fondling it and try it on." Sol took it off the hangar and unzipped the back.

Far more eager than she could have ever suspected she would be to put on a dress, Shepard stripped off her uniform. Sol helped her get the many layers of sheer, silky material of the skirt over her head. She turned her engagement ring so the diamonds were on the inside of her hand before sliding it into the narrow, delicate sleeve, afraid of tearing the thin material.

A single layer of the same, sheer material as the skirt made up the bodice and sleeves, but it had been heavily embroidered with cream, satin thread in an intricate pattern of vines, leaves and tiny flowers. The long sleeves hugged her arms, ending in a point that just brushed her middle knuckle. A thin chain looped around her middle finger.

The bodice sat low on her shoulders, plunging down to a pearl medallion that sat between her breasts. The skirt started at a point just below the medallion and swept around her ribcage in elegant folds to another pearl medallion at her tailbone. A train flowed down to pool on the floor behind her. She walked into the bathroom and stared in the mirror, running her hands over her stomach.

"It's the most beautiful dress I've ever seen, Sol." She twirled a little, the long, full skirt swishing around her legs.

"Let me zip it up, and we'll make sure you aren't bulging out of it anywhere. We made the lower part so that you could expand, but all sorts of places are expanding." Her laugh echoed, warm and loving, in the small space as she stepped behind Shepard and zipped it up. "Well, I guess the rest of you is shrinking enough to counterbalance it." Running a hand down Shepard's spine, she asked. "Is it supposed to stick out like this?"

"No," Lenka answered from the door. "Daddy is always telling her to eat more." The little batarian smiled. "You look pretty, Mommy."

"Thank you, baby. Can you go change into your PJ's for me?" Shepard grinned as the child turned and trotted away to do so.

"Ah, how the little ones speak the truth," Sol said and chuckled.

"I'm fine, Sol. Dr. Chakwas isn't concerned." Shepard looked back at her image in the mirror. "I can't believe you and your dressmaker managed to create this work of art." Smiling, she blinked back happy, grateful tears. "All the time and effort you put into this wedding for us . . .." She shook her head. "I'll never be able to thank you properly."

"It's worth it a thousand times over every time I see my brother look at you." Sol blinked a couple of times. "Okay, it fits, so lets get it off and put away before it gets dirty or Garrus walks in."

Shepard nodded. ""Yeah, tomorrow starts early."


	53. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the wedding begin!

**December 20, 2187**

 

Shepard stepped down off the end of the _Normandy_ ’s ramp, a wide grin spreading over her face. “Oh my god.” She looked to Garrus as he helped Lenka jump down. He turned to stare across the few metres of open field, going completely still.

“Wha . . ..” Speaking seemed to break the spell, and he looked down at Shepard then back at Sol who stood just behind them, a wide, turian smile on her face.

“It’s a 700 year old hunting lodge built for one of the rulers when this was an independent country,” his sister told them. She stepped down and led the way to the doors of what Shepard could only describe as a small castle. 

“How did this survive the war?” Shepard whispered, looking up at the beautiful, but twisted and gnarled ancient trees that hung across the gravel roadway.

Sol shook her head. “No idea, but as soon as I saw it, I knew I’d found the single most perfect place on the planet. Wait until you see where we’re having breakfast.”

An elderly couple stepped out a set of carved doors centered on a stone wall between two massive, square towers. Shepard could barely stop gawking long enough to greet their hosts, but managed to shake their hands when Sol introduced her. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she said, looking back up and shaking her head, “and an honour to be here.” She chuckled. “It’s so beautiful. I wish we’d come yesterday, so I could’ve had a day to look around. Thank you so much for allowing us to have our wedding here.” Shepard looked down at Lenka. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

The child stayed pressed tight against Shepard’s leg, but nodded, her eyes wide.

The man bowed his head in a genteel fashion and pushed the doors open. “It’s our pleasure and honour, Admiral.” He gestured back toward the city. “And a way of showing our gratitude. The Reapers were two days away when you stopped them. Over two thousand souls took shelter in our home and wine cellars. You saved far more than some old buildings. ”

“But today is not a day for such unpleasant thoughts,” his wife said, stepping back and gesturing toward the door. “Please, do come in and make yourselves comfortable. Someone will bring your bags from the ship and put them in your rooms.” Even as she spoke, a small herd of young men and women in period-themed uniforms hurried past them across the driveway.

“My name is Maria da Silva, and my husband is Manuel. If you need anything at all, we’re available. Breakfast will be laid out in the gallery at 0800.” She led the way inside and up a sweeping set of mahogany stairs. “I’ll show you to your rooms so that you may freshen up first.”

Five minutes later, Shepard thanked their hosts and closed the door on the most incredible bedroom she’d ever laid eyes on. A large canopy bed dominated the room, every inch of it carved in intricate detail, the linens rich and older than their ages combined. Her gaze slipped along the plaster mouldings that climbed to a domed ceiling and a very old gas chandelier. She walked over to the fireplace, running her fingers over the ebony mantle before shaking her head.

“Your sister is a wizard,” she said, her voice soft. Above the bed hung a painting of horses and hounds coursing over hedges and across fields in pursuit of a fox. She circled the bed and leaned in to look at the signature in the corner, only able to make out the date: 1723. “Holy crap, this painting is 450 years old!”

Garrus opened the french doors and stepped out onto the balcony, looking down over a small lake that appeared as though it had been invading the lodge’s grounds over several hundred years. He pointed toward a cluster of ragged orange trees clinging to hillocks between sunken statues. 

When she stepped out next to him, he gathered her against his side. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” he said softly.

“Me neither.” She nodded toward the city. The ends of Reaper legs stuck up above the top of the hill. “And it was nearly wiped away.”

“You saved it.”

She shrugged. “Without knowing.”

“That doesn’t matter. You saved trillions of things you’ll never know about. The important thing is that some places like this survived.” He turned into her and lowered his brow to hers. “Let’s go explore a bit before breakfast.”

She grinned, enthusiasm greeting that suggestion. “Yeah, we’ll grab Lenka from next door and see what we can find.”

Guests and _Normandy_ crew arrived over the following hour, almost everyone who served aboard her was gathered in small groups catching up when Shepard, Lenka and Garrus entered the ballroom for breakfast. Handshakes, hugs and greetings were followed by a couple of hours of browsing the buffet and chatting.

“Shepard!”

She spun to face the hearty bellow. “Wrex?” Striding over, she gripped his arm, then got yanked into a one-armed hug. “What are you doing here?” It hadn’t occurred to her that the krogan would still be on Earth.

“Been over on the African and Asian continents helping put out fires. A lot of reactors were destroyed, huge areas of countries contaminated with radiation. Since you humans are such frail little pyjaks, we decided to save your asses and took on the worst spots.” He gave her a friendly chug to the shoulder that made her stumble. “We’re heading back with your convoy though. Time to get home, start putting Tuchanka back together.” He held her at arm’s length and stared at her through narrowed eyes. “I thought humans and turians couldn’t have young together. You finally get smart, and dump Garrus to go krogan?”

Shepard laughed. “We can’t procreate either, but no . . ..” She laid her hands over Mercy. “This is Mordin’s doing, of course.” She grinned and shook her head. “I’m glad to see you, Wrex. Is Grunt with you?”

The krogan cast a glance over one shoulder and shrugged. “He was arguing with some human over carrying our gear.” He caught sight of the buffet. “Meat! And plenty of it! We’ve been living on ration bars and corn or rice.”

Shepard chuckled. “Have at it, Wrex.” She walked out of the gallery to the front door. Sure enough, Grunt was wrestling with one of the staff. “Hey! Grunt! Let the poor guy do his job and get in here!”

“Shepard!” The young krogan dropped the duffels, knocking the staff member over in the process, and barrelled down the drive toward her.

“Sorry!” Shepard called down as the man picked himself up. “He gets excited. Doesn’t know his own strength.” She hid a grin at his muffled grumble, and the glare that accompanied dusting down his uniform.

Grunt slid four metres to stop an arm’s length away, his blue eyes fixed on her stomach. “Shepard?” He reached out, poking her with a finger. “Did you get fat?”

She laughed. “I’m pregnant, Grunt.” She took his hand as Mercy shifted inside her, and pressed it over her belly. 

His eyes snapped up to hers, his expression comically incredulous. “You’re going to be a mother?”

She grinned and nodded. “Yeah. Well, actually, I already am, but it’s a long story.” She led him in the door. “Come on, Wrex found the buffet five minutes ago, you’re going to have to move if you want to get any food.”

He chuckled, his slow, deep chuckle, but he just kept glancing over at her, the incredulity never wavering.

“Grunt!” Jack threw up a hand and strode over. “Damn, you’re even more huge than I remember.” She laughed and punched him in the arm, then staggered ten feet when he gave her a return punch. “Yep, that still hurts like fuck.” She grinned at Shepard. “Oh damn, I guess I need to watch my language around the impressionable.” She glanced around as if she had something to hide, then leaned in and whispered. “Can I?” She cracked her neck, looking awkward, then glanced down at Shepard’s stomach. “You know?”

Chuckling, Shepard nodded. “Sure, go ahead. Everyone else has manhandled me, you shouldn’t be left out.”

Jack stepped in close, almost as if shielding her, then placed both hands on the bump. “Holy shit! I mean . . . holy crap! She’s rocking out in there.”

“Yeah, she does after breakfast for some reason. Maybe it’s her workout time.” She laughed as both Jack and Grunt leaned down, staring at her stomach intently, as if they could see inside if they looked hard enough. 

“There’s a little girl in there,” Jack whispered, and looked up at Grunt. “Fucking freaky, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “It’s like an alien parasite. Cut one out of a varren’s back once.”

“Ummm, yeah, no cutting this one out.” Shepard gave them both a gentle push, Grunt’s less so. “Go eat and gather your strength. Apparently, we’re going to be playing the turian version of rugby in a couple of hours. I am going to need both of you to block for me. Garrus says that Sol is a brutal combatant.”

Jack cackled. “I’ve played _hideth turram_. It doesn’t get good until everyone’s bloodied, but I’ll keep your face pretty for tomorrow, Shepard, don’t worry.”

“It’s not my face I’m worried about.” 

When Jack and Grunt walked away to get food, Shepard looked through the crowd for Lenka and found her sitting on Garrus’s lap, playing shy while he and Wrex talked. Reassured, she scanned the room, looking for people she hadn’t greeted, finding Kasumi and Oriana Lawson speaking to Jacob, Brynn, and their baby. She grinned and struck out for their table.

“Okay!” Sol called over the conversations several minutes later. “If everyone could give me their attention.” She waited until the noise level died down. “With the arrival of our krogan friends, this party is complete.”

“Good meat,” Wrex grunted, shovelling his way through a platter covered in every form of animal product available. 

“Very good meat,” Grunt grunted in agreement.

As she joined the laughter, Shepard just hoped they’d both avoided the dextro table.

“Excellent. Good meat will be important over the next two days,” Sol said and chuckled. “I know the humans amongst us are used to a wedding being a short ceremony followed by a long party, so the next two days may seem strange. Turian bonding ceremonies, however, take place over at least two days and include feasting, sports and dancing as well as the more official stuff. On that note, we seem to be missing our disignatus.” She shrugged. “I guess I can start things off until he gets here.”

Shepard noticed Garrus moving over to stand on his sister’s left side and got up even before Sol motioned for her to join them. She glanced down at her hoodie and trousers, feeling underdressed now she faced the official beginning of her wedding. When Shepard got to the front of the room, Sol took her hand and placed her facing their friends and family on the right. 

“Sorry,” a rough, familiar voice called from the doorway. Admiral Hackett strode into the ballroom, a datapad in his hand. “Unavoidable political delays. I hope I’m not too late.” He paused next to Shepard and leaned close to her ear to whisper, “Sparatus is aboard the _Normandy_.”

Shepard let out a breath and nodded, her heart slowing a couple of beats a minute for the first time since the turian councillor had taken her aside. Unable to sleep the night before, she’d woken Hackett up and asked his advice. Now, one less worry distracted her from the wedding.

Sol stepped aside. “Not at all, Admiral Hackett. We were just about to begin. I’ll yield the floor to you.” She stepped over against the wall.

Hackett lifted the datapad to read from it. “Those tied by blood and those tied by heart, be welcomed to that most blessed and sacred of occasions: the celebration of two clans joined, two lives knit together into one shared destiny.” He paused a moment and took a deep breath. “As disignatus, it is my honour to begin this bonding ceremony with the declaration of intentions.” 

Turning to Garrus, Hackett said, “Garrus Vakarian, son of Herros and Triana Vakarian, is it your intention to join your life, your family, and your clan to that of Jane Shepard?”

Garrus nodded and cleared his throat, his mandibles doing that awkward, if endearing flutter. “It is my intention to join our lives, families, and clans. Jane Shepard will enrich our family with her strength and beauty of spirit, her indomitable will, her bravery, honour and compassion.”

Hackett turned to look at Shepard. “Jane Shepard, daughter of Charles and Elizabeth Shepard, is it your intention to join your life, your family, and your clan to that of Garrus Vakarian?”

There it was, after more than four years. Shepard smiled, hoping it didn’t look as tremulous as it felt. Releasing a steadying breath, she let the smile grow, realizing through all the nerves and worries that she’d been waiting more than two of those years for this day. 

When she spoke, her voice came out clear and happy. “It is my intention to join our lives, families, and clans. Garrus Vakarian will enrich our family with his unflinching loyalty, the beauty of his spirit, his honour, his bravery, his compassion, and his strength.”

Hackett smiled and nodded. “Who amongst their clans will stand by them through this union, to support them through the inevitable struggles and hardships of life? Who will help them care for one another and their children when they are ill or injured? Who will support them through times of scarcity, when they need shelter or a strong arm to protect them? For it is life’s greatest truth that no bonded pair can stand alone. It needs the strength and nurturance of both clans to survive.” He looked up. “So, I ask again, who amongst their clans will stand with them?”

Herros and Solana moved to stand behind Garrus, and for a moment, Shepard felt very alone, but then Joker, Liara and Tali came forward to stand behind her. The rest of the crew and ex-team members from the _Normandy_ stood, prompting a surprised and honoured smile from Shepard as they divided in half, standing behind both of them. She reached out and gave Joker’s hand a grateful squeeze before turning the brilliant smile to the rest of her people.

“Thank you,” she mouthed.

Hackett chuckled and shrugged. “I think that’s fairly unanimous then. As both clans accept and bless this union, I declare it sound and command that the bonding ceremony commence.”

After the flurry of congratulatory hugs ceased, Sol pushed her way back to the front of the room. “The proprietors have graciously made us a _hideth turram_ field over the crest of the hill to the east. We need two teams of fifteen players to represent the two clans. Meet you all there in forty minutes.” She cackled with a sadistic sort of glee. “If you’re going to compete, there are blood-proof uniforms and cleats here behind the table.”

“Uniforms?” Wrex laughed. “Got a couple to fit us?”

“You two can wear the undersuits for your armour,” Sol said, looking him up and down. “I didn’t think to bring the ten extra bolts of material and squad of tailors it would take to outfit the two of you.”

Wrex harrumphed, then spun to eyeball the chuckling crowd as Joker let out a cough that sounded suspiciously like the word fat, and Liara mumbled something about there being more to love.

Garrus sidled through their friends to Shepard’s side, and slipped his arms around her. Pressing his cheek to hers, he whispered in her ear. “We’re actually doing this.” He nuzzled her. “I saw it hit you.”

She kissed his cheek and mandible. “Yeah. Feels like it’s taken us forever to get here.”

“Too late to back out now.” He gave her a gentle squeeze, then pulled back and stared down into her eyes.

“Never crossed my mind.” Lifting a hand to his cheek, she just shook her head as her thumb caressed his cheekbone. “If I haven’t mentioned it before, I love you.” She jerked her head toward the uniforms. “Apparently, as the leader of my clan, I have to at least start this game?”

He nodded. “Until someone goes down, then you can substitute them into your position. Until then, stay behind Wrex and Grunt as much as possible.” As he laid his hands on Mercy, his plates and mandibles lowered into a formidable scowl. “No tackling people, no blocking, no charging, no . . ..”

“Yeah, I get it. I’m there only for show.” She took his hand and led him over to the stack of uniforms. “Make mine a size small whale, please, shopkeep.”

Forty minutes later, Hackett stared at her, his entire face creasing into worry lines. “Are you sure about this, Admiral?”

Shepard grinned and nodded. “They won’t hit a pregnant woman, Ref.” She winced. “Well, some of them might, but I made sure they were all on my team.” Shepard tugged at the skintight uniform. She couldn’t recall being more uncomfortable outside of being injured. “Besides, I have to compete at least until the first takedown, then I can sub that person in to represent the clan in my place.” She tugged at the bodysuit some more, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t make it any less restrictive.

“Okay!” Sol called over the noise of eighty people talking at once. “The object of the game is to get possession of the drellak hide, move it down the field to your tower, climb, and hang the hide from the pole at the top. The rules are simple. If any body part above your opponent’s waist hits the ground, they cannot be hit. Additional rule for today, anyone who hits the pregnant woman has to block me for the rest of the game.”

Grunt looked down at her. “Is that supposed to scare us, Tiny?” He chuckled, then hit the ground on one knee, his lungs emptying with a strangled gasp.

“You tell me, Tiny,” Sol said, pulling her elbow out of his solar plexus. 

“Between the plates,” he groaned and stumbled back to his feet, then over to stand behind Shepard.

Sol looked to Hackett and nodded. 

Hackett stepped between the two teams. “The first clans competed in a great hunt to celebrate the union of their people. The two wishing to be bonded each led their clan. While great honour came to the one who made the first kill, more importantly, a successful hunt meant a fruitful and prosperous union for both clans. Today, that hunt takes place on a smaller field, but no less honour comes to the victor, and a strong showing is no less a sign of prosperity to come.” 

He strode over to the tall pole with the hide at the top. “Jane Shepard and Garrus Vakarian, gather your clans, and prepare for the hunt.”

Jack called Shepard’s team into a huddle. “Have any of you played this before?” 

Everyone shook their heads. 

“Fuck.” Jack rolled her eyes. “Damn, I mean . . . darn it. Okay, we need a plan. Their team has all the turians, not to mention everyone who has ever played this damned game before, except me.” She cocked an eyebrow and shook her head. “By the way, those uniforms make you look like terrified seals in shark territory. Pathetic. They’re going to eat you alive.” 

She paced for a moment, then returned to her spot. “All right. All right. Here’s the plan. Grunt, as soon as Hackett blows the horn, you run up to the pole and bend down, prepare to give me a leg up to grab the hide. The turians will try to climb for it, so we can kick ‘em in the nads early and get possession.”

Shepard grinned, a thrill of equal parts anticipation and terror rolling through her. “This is going to get ugly, isn’t it?”

A wide, terrifyingly gleeful smile accompanied Jack’s nod. “Then, I’ll toss the skin down to Shepard. She’ll look pitiful if she doesn’t get her hands on it for a few seconds.” She let out a harsh laugh. “They’ll never see that coming. They’ll think we’ll paint targets everywhere but smack in the middle of her back.”

“What?” Shepard squawked.

Jack flipped a dismissive hand her direction. “No one will hit you. We set up a krogan charge. Wrex and Grunt, stay side by side and bulldoze down the field, the rest of us will cover Shepard’s back. When we get a few metres downfield, Shepard, toss the hide back to me and then get out of the damned way. Grunt and Wrex, your job is to keep them the hell . . . heck off my ass. The rest of you, distract and confuse.” She looked to all the team members. “Everyone got the plan?”

When they agreed, she cackled. “They’re not going to know what hit them.” She nodded toward the pole. “Step up, clan leader. You have to start the game.”

Shepard did as she was told, grinning at Garrus when he took his position facing her from the other side of the pole.

Hackett shook his head as if he considered them all insane. “Jane Shepard, is your clan prepared to undertake the hunt? To bring glory to your name and the blessings of victory upon your union?”

“We are.”

The admiral turned to Garrus. “Garrus Vakarian, is your clan prepared to undertake the hunt? To bring glory to your name and the blessings of victory upon your union?”

“We are.”

Hackett backed toward the sidelines.

Garrus and Shepard pulled back five metres. Wrex placed himself in front of Shepard.

“Let the hunt begin!” Hackett called and blew the horn.

For the first twenty seconds, Jack’s plan moved like clockwork. Grunt ran up and tossed the biotic into the air. Jack snatched the hide and threw it down to Shepard. Then chaos.

Wrex and Grunt formed up to charge down the field, but then Sol appeared out of nowhere, hurtling over their heads. Shepard grabbed hold of Wrex’s undersuit, trying to use him as a krogan shield. 

The krogan clan leader gathered her in against his body with one arm, herding her over the soaking, slippery turf while his other arm brushed aside their opponents. “Get out of my way, matchsticks,” the krogan bellowed, “or end up with krogan tracks down your spines!”

Then Sol appeared out of nowhere, again. She brought Grunt down, opening Shepard’s right flank as the krogan plowed mud with his face. Wrex let go of the admiral, giving her a push toward their tower as he spun to face Sol.

“Throw it to me!” Jack yelled, but then most of the other team swarmed her and brought her down under a pile of bodies.

“Wrex!” Shepard cried and threw the hide to him, breaking off to lead at least some of their pursuers away long enough for Jack to get up and over to the sidelines so Shepard could bring her in. Looping back around, she saw Wrex lumbering toward the tower, Solana clinging to his hump and half of their team hanging off his arms and legs. Shepard chuckled, then noticed Jack trotting toward the chairs just out of bounds and changed course to substitute the biotic into her position.

The tide of battle shifted. Someone, Shepard thought it might be Liara under all the mud, managed to wrestle the hide from Wrex’s grip and broke free, running for the far tower, screaming at the top of her lungs. Bodies . . . so many bodies, all tangled and wrestling to pull down opponents, turned like an out-of-control steamroller to follow the asari. Shepard got out a single cry of warning before her entire world turned into mud and churned up grass. Mud ground into her eyes. Mud filled her mouth and coated her teeth. Mud slid down inside her uniform, an unwanted, slippery guest. 

Someone lifted her to her feet. She came up spitting and gasping, unable to identify her saviour through the grime.

“Shepard! Are you okay?” Garrus, of course.

She spat a clump of sod onto the ground. “Fine, other than gritty and covered in grass bits.” She spat again and started to laugh. “And so begins my career as a _hideth turram_ spectator.”

He chuckled and led her over to the sidelines. “Get Jack in, wash up, and relax.” He sat her down, then crouched in front of her. “Are you sure that you’re okay?”

She gave him a muddy kiss. “I’m fine, get back in there.” Shepard looked to Jack. “It’s all yours. Kick their butts for me.”

Jack dumped water over her face to get the worst of the debris off, a manic grimace settling over her face. “Oh, they’re going to pay, Shepard. You can bet the bankroll on that.” Letting loose a maniacal howl, she dove back in, skinny elbows and knees bringing down everyone who got in the way.

“Mommy, you’re dirty,” Lenka giggled. She passed Shepard a bottle of water and some towels.

“I know, I got run over by an entire herd of _Normandy_ crew.” She snagged the child in one arm and covered her face in muddy kisses.

Lenka squealed and struggled, her protests broken up by laughter. “You’re getting me dirty!”

Shepard gave her one last kiss before releasing her. Leaning her head over the back of the chair, she dumped the bottle of water over her face, then mopped it off with the towels. “How’s that?” she asked.

“You’re still really dirty.” Lenka sat on the chair next to Shepard to look out at the game. “But not as dirty as all of them. They all look the same.”

“They really do,” Shepard agreed, scrubbing the towel over her head to sop up the muddy rivulets.

Both teams went down in a flurry of arms and legs and shouted curses, only half making it back up to continue on. The other half helped pull each other out of the muck and limped to the sidelines trading good natured jabs and teasing. They hosed themselves down, then thumped into chairs next to Shepard to cheer the rest on.

For more than an hour, the tide of mud flowed back and forth, Garrus trading out for a few minutes to kneel at Shepard’s feet while she halted the flow of blood from his left eye. Once the blue ceased running down his face, he kissed her and dove back in. She just shook her head, then winced as Kaidan crumpled to the ground just past the edge of the field, his nose bleeding profusely between two, already black eyes. She helped him to a chair, washed the bloody mud away, then gave him an ice pack.

“Note to self,” he said, his voice a nasal wheeze, “Sol has really hard, pointy elbows.”

Shepard frowned even as she chuckled. “Isn’t she on your team?”

He just nodded and pressed the ice pack to his face.

After an hour and a half of bloody battle, the inevitable victors planted the hide then hobbled over to the sidelines, congratulating Shepard’s team on a hard-fought loss. 

Hackett called them back over to the pole. “Garrus Vakarian has led his clan to victory, bringing in the first kill, but both clans performed with great heart, demonstrating determination and ability. Do the clans still declare this union sound? Do you believe both bond-mates to be able to provide and care for themselves, their family and their clans?”

Everyone called out to the affirmative.

“Then as both clans declare their support for the continuation of this union, I command all here to attend the feast and testimony to commence at 1700 hours in the gallery. Until then, go in the peace of unity. . ..” He paused and chuckled. “And for God’s sake, take showers.”

Garrus limped the few metres toward Shepard and draped an arm over her shoulder. “A good omen,” he said then grinned, “lots of blood on both sides.” He grunted in pain as he put weight on his right leg. “However, I think Grunt may have crippled me. Help, wife, your mate has fallen on the field of battle.”

“Won’t be the first time.” She wrapped an arm around his bare waist and helped him hobble over to the outdoor shower station. She looked over the filthy crew and laughed. Even most of the spectators were soaked in splashed up mud. “Everyone had better not track all this muck through my ship. Shower here, or doom on you all.”

She helped Garrus strip off the tight leggings that were all the turians had worn, then left him to shower, taking the booth next door to wriggle out of the horrible uniform with several sighs of relief. The wedgie from the stretchy material was enough to convince her to stick to the sidelines. Clean, dry and wrapped in a soft robe, she helped Garrus limp up to their room. 

“It’s just a twisted ankle,” Dr. Chakwas announced after examining him. “Ice, rest and some medigel are all you need.” She shook her head and left the room muttering about idiots and insane sports and unnecessary injuries.

Shepard climbed up on the bed and laid down. “So, we have a few hours. What shall we do?”

He glanced over at her. “How did the _Cohamentum_ go with Dad this morning?”

Shepard just sighed and burrowed in next to him.

He hugged her and nuzzled her brow. “Okay, we’ll sneak out and practice before the testimony this evening. Yes?”

She nodded, willing to try, but knowing it was all but hopeless.

* * * * *

Shepard missed Garrus’s hand and slammed her shoulder into his chest for what had to be the fiftieth time. Muttering a curse, she walked away a few strides, shaking her arms out, trying to relieve her frustration.

“It’s a conversation, Shepard, not a wrestling match.” Garrus sighed as he followed her.

Shepard bit back her knee-jerk reaction to that, instead she headed over to the bench near the edge of the cliff and collapsed. “Let’s face it, if our marriage’s success is actually predicted by our ability to successfully complete this thing, we’re doomed.” She flopped, her arms and legs splayed, her head lolling over the seat’s wooden back. 

“You can dance, Shepard, you just need to get out of your head.” Garrus thumped down onto the bench next to her, turning a little to face her. “You know the movements. You have the athletic ability. You’re blocking yourself.” He took her hand. “You are the spirit of grace itself when we make love. You can do this.”

She turned her head and opened one eye to look at him. “I’m almost seven months pregnant, and the size of the average single family home with the grace to match, even when we make love.” A weary smile touched the corners of her mouth and faded. “Face it, Vakarian, you’re not marrying a dancer.” She looked out to sea. Whitecaps rolled over the purple-black waters, sweeping the lavenders and peach-pinks of the sunset painted across its surface before them.

Sighing, she let her eyes slip closed again. “It’s so beautiful here. It’s a like a dream.”

“While the Reapers carved their way across our planets, reducing thousands of cycles of civilization to smoke and dust, who would have thought they’d leave anything beautiful in their wake?” Garrus agreed. 

Shepard nodded. “Red at night, sailor’s delight.”

She heard more than saw him turn to look at her, feeling the question in his stare. “Old human saying about the weather from when we sailed the oceans instead of the stars. ‘Red in the morning, sailor’s warning. Red at night, sailor’s delight.’” Turning to look at him, she opened her eyes. “It means good weather for tomorrow. A good omen.”

“Unlike our performance in the _Cohamentum_ ,” he said and looked away, his shoulders deflating with a sigh.

“Which was abysmal,” Sol called, limping quickly up the long, shallow slope of grass from the torres. “I watched you cheat from my window until the agony became so great that I couldn’t watch any longer. Please tell me that Dad has been teaching her these past months at least, and this is just pre-bonding jitters?”

Garrus let out a noisy breath as he shoved himself up off the bench. He granted his sister a single twitch of his head to the affirmative.

Sol jerked her head back toward the stone lodge. “Go help with . . . something . . . anything else, and leave this to me.”

“Stretch, it’s no . . ..”

She smacked Garrus in the back of the head cutting off the rest of his protest. “Go. There’s much to be done, and Dad was looking for you earlier. I’ll take care of this.”

Shepard pushed herself up, perching on the edge of the bench. “He was going to say that there isn’t any point in wasting time trying to teach me to dance. I’m the worst dancer in the entire galaxy.”

“Impossible.”

“No. Sol . . ..” Garrus said, running interference. “Shepard . . ..”

“Is an artist on the battlefield, and, by your own testimony, able to sit you on your ass in hand to hand. Therefore, I refuse to believe that this talent does not reside within her.” She glared at her brother with an expression that brought to Shepard’s mind the mayhem of the _hideth turram_ match earlier. “I believe you were told to go away and leave us to our work?”

Garrus spun around and stalked over to lift Shepard off the bench and into a kiss. “Don’t let her run over you,” he whispered against her lips.

Shepard kissed him back. “It’ll be okay. In half an hour, she’ll be dragging me back down to the torres, herself.” She slipped a hand behind his neck and pulled him down until their brows touched. “Go rest your ankle and see what Lenka is up to. We’ll be back before long.”

Nuzzling her brow, he whispered. “I love you.”

“And I love you.” She gave him a gentle push. “I know this is important to you, Garrus. Maybe Sol can help me so I don’t screw it up. We’ll be fine.”

“Better than fine. By the time I’m done with her, she’s going to have turian dance companies begging her to audition.” Sol chuckled and walked out onto the wide, flat cliff-top.

Uncertain, but willing to take another shot at forcing her unruly body to obey, Shepard followed.  
She faced Sol, tense, poised for combat.

The turian laughed. “Oh my, they really have convinced you that you’re a no-hoper, haven’t they?” She stepped forward, took Shepard’s hands and tried to shake her arms, laughing when the limbs responded like rusted iron. “First of all, relax. Let all the tension drain out of your body. Breathe in and out through your feet.”

Shepard rolled her eyes, then met her sister-in-law’s frustration with a small sigh. “Fine, breathing through my feet.”

“Close your eyes.” Sol slapped Shepard’s arm. “Do it. Don’t question. Stop thinking, just do.”

“Striking a pregnant woman,” Shepard said and clucked her tongue, even as she closed her eyes and concentrated on imagining that as she inhaled, the air flowed in through her feet, throughout her body, then back down out her feet when she exhaled. She peeked out through a slitted eyelid. 

“I’ll do more than tap your arm next time.” Sol laughed, defusing any threat in her words as she took a relaxed fighting stance. “Stop peeking. You’ve had hand to hand training. Have you fought blindfolded?” 

Shepard heard the sound of the turian’s arm parting the air as it came straight for her face, and swung her right hand in, up and out, sweeping it aside before it made contact.

“Yes, you have. Excellent. Spar with me. Keep breathing. Keep your eyes closed. Instead of blocking me, flat hand touch to my hand, hold the block through the center of the move. Yeah?”

Shepard nodded, concentrating on her breathing, pulling her center down close to the ground as she bent her knees, drawing her left foot back in a shallow semi circle.

Sol attacked, left arm coming in wide and low. Their palms came in contact about a hand’s width outside Shepard’s space and tracked through to the apex of the upward sweep. Right hand came straight in, then tracking high. Movement by movement, Shepard just breathed and concentrated on countering each incoming blow, then following it out.

“Faster, but don’t lose the fluidity. Start anticipating. You know me well enough to guess how I’m going to attack. See my strikes and match them, then follow through.” 

Shepard focused on what she knew of her sister: her aggressive personality, the way she tackled teammates and competitors alike during the game earlier, and the sheer will that had kept her alive for months past when others would have given in. Tactical, aggressive, risky, always trying for the big hit--the glorious knock-out blow. Sol wasn’t much different than Shepard had been before the war.

Strike. Strike. Faster. The turian’s hands flew at her, each meeting with a fat clap against her palm. Faster. Still each incoming strike hit her hands until the pair moved back and forth across the grass, neither pressing the attack, neither giving way, just matching one another move for move.

“Good, now open your eyes, but change nothing. Keep breathing, keep anticipating.”

Well versed in the conversation, Shepard opened her eyes, but kept her vision soft, unfocused so that she took in the entire field of battle. As she matched Sol’s attacks, Shepard realized with a growing sense of lightness that her sister tossed in movements from the dance, more and more of them as time went on. A wide grin, reminiscent of the one that had greeted her first view of her home planet from space broke across her face, carrying with it memories of the smiles that had greeted Garrus on Omega and then Menae, the soft ones that felt like gifts after they made love, and the one that had welcomed the news that she was pregnant. All those smiles, and a thousand more, broke free, expressing themselves through her movements.

“There you are,” Sol whispered, her mandibles spreading as she moved into the wind element. Their arms sailed wide as they spun and came back together, pushing first forward, then sweeping back. Wind led to fire, hot and intense, quick and bright. Fire slowed to the rolling ebb and flow of water. Water seeped into the earth, still and deep and profound.

They stopped, both gasping, chests heaving.

“And you say you can’t dance,” Sol said between breaths, folding to lean on her knees. “Although, I’m pretty sure that performance means we have to bond now.” She chuckled and went down on one knee.

Shepard crumpled gently to the grass, sitting on her heels. “You’re pretty good at the whole teaching thing.” She wheezed a little and slid down to sit on one hip.

“You do that tomorrow and everyone who has ever said that Jane Shepard couldn’t dance will fall over in a dead faint.” Sol pushed herself up onto her feet and held out a hand for Shepard. “Come, sister. We have to dress for dinner. Apparently there is some sort of rehearsal we need to do before we hear the testimonies.”

Shepard took Sol’s hand. “Oh crap. I didn’t think about the social stuff. I didn’t look at getting anything to wear other than uniforms and my usual.” She gestured down at her hoodie, t-shirt, and trousers ensemble.

Sol wrapped a companionable arm around her waist and led her back toward the lodge. “Haven’t I looked after you?” She chuckled.

Shepard laid her hand over Sol’s “Yes, you sure have. You’re amazing.”

“Well, to be honest, I never thought my brother would find what he has with you. He seemed a completely hopeless case.” She let out a long, slow breath. “My mother always said that he’d find his way eventually, but I was so afraid for him.” Casting a sidelong glance at Shepard, she shook her head. “Not the life and limb stuff. He always kicked ass in a fight, but figuring out how to have a life baffled him. I thought the anger would eat him up until he just didn’t bother to step out of the way of a bullet one day.” She kicked at the grass a little as they walked. “And now he’s a father and about to become a bondmate.”

Shepard smiled. “Strange, but even though he drove me a little crazy for the first couple of months, I’ve never seen the Garrus that he sees. I wish he could see my Garrus.”

Sol nodded as they stepped onto the driveway, the gravel crunching and popping under their boots. “He’s always been at odds with himself. My father drilled him to be a remarkable warrior, but no matter how impressive his skills became, no matter that his spine is formed of solid honour, his soul has always been that of an artist.” 

“But things worked out, maybe?” Shepard shrugged and looked up at the beautiful stone towers, their crenellations barely visible against the navy sky. “He’s happy, I think.”

Sol nodded, then stopped and turned to face Shepard. “But he’s broken, Jane. You know that, don’t you? He’s always been fractured, but then your death, what happened on Omega, losing our mother, getting you through the Collectors and Reapers, trying to get anyone to listen while you were incarcerated, watching Palaven burn, losing you again . . ..” She made a helpless sort of shrugging gesture. “It broke him. He shows the good, stolid, turian mask, and yes, he’s happy with what the two of you are building, but at some point you’re going to need to help put him back together.”

Shepard started back toward the torres, her arm slipping around Solana again. “I know, Sol. I’ve been selfish for a long time. I’ve started trying to draw him out, but I left it too long, and he’s so stubborn about ‘burdening me’.” A thin hiss of air escaped between her pursed lips. “During the war, I was the one with constant nightmares, but more and more, he’s waking me up at night.” She gave her sister a squeeze. “We’ll make it, Sol. Nothing else makes any sense. We’ll be there for one another, and we’ll make it.”


	54. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding continues.

**December 20, 2187**

 

When Shepard got back to their room, she discovered another work of art lying out on the bed in the form of a tailored pant suit made from navy-blue _tussat_ silk. Delicate rose vines climbed the jacket’s lapels, embroidered in a lighter shade of blue thread. The slacks sported an elastic insert in the waist that allowed them to hang flawlessly. A soft rose blouse with a short turtle neck and pleats down the front completed the suit. 

Shepard dressed, feeling both beautiful and grateful, and headed down to the rehearsal. Forty-five minutes later, despite being ready to strangle Joker with her bare hands, she felt pretty good about how things would go the next day. She wrapped her arms around Garrus and Lenka, and headed into dinner as relaxed as she could manage with the entire galaxy waiting outside to burst their perfect bubble in a couple of days.

Tables covered the floor of the gallery, all candles, flowers, and gleaming silver over ivory linen. The flying buttresses in the construction along with the ancient paintings and statuary lent the gallery a palatial cast that took Shepard’s breath away. She stopped so suddenly upon the threshold that she tripped. After staring for over a minute, she just shook her head, unable to come up with any words to do it justice.

“I think Stretch got us confused with royalty, or were you elected president of the entire galaxy, and forgot to tell me?” Garrus led her through the door, and they wandered a little until they found their seats. Lenka spotted the resident dog outside on the lawn and trotted over to the window to take a closer look.

In the center of every table sat a series of simple, silver bowls. Shepard picked up the empty one from the center of the arrangement. It measured as wide across as her palm. She replaced it and poked at the smaller ones around its circumference. Each contained a sample of a different herb or spice, some fresh, most dried. Tiny cards under each bowl said the name of the herb and the quality, state, or emotion associated with it.

Shepard picked up the closest one and sniffed it. “Hmm.” She looked at the card. “Mint: tranquility.” She looked to Garrus with a cocked eyebrow.

“Everyone adds two small pinches of the herbs or spices to the center bowl. The first is the one they think represents us as we are, and the second represents what they wish for our future.” He smiled. “What we do with their choices, I’ll share later.”

Shepard’s eyebrows went up. “Oh. More secret stuff.” 

“Good secret stuff.” He took her hand under the table. “It’s probably wrong, but I’d be completely okay with skipping the testimony and going straight to the secret stuff.” He leaned in and nuzzled her neck. “You look absolutely beautiful, by the way.”

She ran her fingers down the front of his suit. “You’re looking pretty hot yourself, big guy.” Squeezing his fingers, she leaned in to kiss him, letting the hoots and catcalls of their guests wash over her. She kissed him slowly, their tongues touching almost chastely as if it were their first kiss, but now, after so many kisses, the flush of pleasure and excitement struck deeper, a place quiet and serene, and reserved just for him. 

“Mommy?”

Shepard laughed and collapsed into Garrus, her brow pressing to his as she broke the kiss and turned to look at the small batarian leaning on both their knees. “Yes, my darling?”

“Where do Ami Sol and I sit?” she asked.

Garrus grabbed her and picked her up, nuzzling her cheek before sitting her next to him. “You sit right there. Did Ami Sol send you to ask?” He tickled her.

Lenka gave a cheerful nod, then began to play with her silverware. 

“You needed a chaperone,” Sol whispered, slipping behind Shepard to stand at the head of the room.

“Yes, because we were in danger of throwing down right here, Stretch.” Garrus chuffed and shook his head.

Sol ignored him and held up her hands. “If everyone could find their seat. Tali, make sure you don’t sit in the wrong spot. There is only one sterilized dextro meal on the menu.” Once everyone was seated and the room grew quiet, Sol spoke again. “This part of the bonding ceremony comes from the feast tradition after the hunt. The clans gathered around to share wild stories of the two bond-mates’ adventures and heroics during the hunt. Almost all were completely fabricated, some just exaggerated. At the time, the purpose was to provide testimony to the new bond-mates’ clans, reassuring their new families of their abilities and honour.”

“You mean like during the _turram_ match when Shepard was trampled by the entire crew?” Joker called from the table next to theirs. “I found that particularly heroic.”

“I’m sure you can mine your cycles together for better stories than that, but yes.” Sol held out her hand to Admiral Hackett, who had been standing by the door. She yielded the floor to him and sat next to Lenka.

The admiral scanned the room, wincing when he reached Kaidan. “It looks like almost everyone has recovered from the match this afternoon.” He chuckled. “Keep the ice on that nose, Major.” 

“He can take a hit,” Sol whispered, clicking her tongue. “Got to like a man who can take a hit.”

When the chuckles died down, Hackett raised his trusty datapad. “Clanspeople, draw near and feast upon the bounty of the hunt, bringing with you tales of courage, honour, skill, and daring.”

Joker guffawed and made a plowing gesture, starting a chain reaction that set Shepard’s face and neck flaming. 

She turned to glare at the pilot, trying to look stern. “Great, now my wedding will forever be the day that I got plowed into the mud. Thanks so much, Joker.”

He nodded. “You’re welcome. I think in the future, we’ll leave out the pregnant waddle part, though. Makes everything more sad than funny.”

Grunt shrugged. “I think the waddle’s funny.”

Shepard pointed at each of them. “Behave.”

“Or what?” Joker leaned back and slung his arm over the back of his chair. “You’ll send us to our rooms? You can’t even waddle fast enough to catch me, let alone ‘I am krogan!’ over there.”

Hackett cleared his throat and soldiered on. “Clanspeople, draw near and partake of fellowship, for with this union, two clans become as one, two families become as one, and two people become as one.” He looked to the back of the ballroom and gestured for the staff to bring in their meals. “Clanspeople, be welcomed, feast, and regale us with tales exciting and bold.” 

“You’re very good at this whole turian MC gig, Admiral,” Shepard said as Hackett sat next to her. 

He chuckled. “I feel like I’ve been memorizing it forever, but even so, I didn’t trust myself to get through everything without having it in front of me.”

“So,” Liara called once everyone had their food. “Should we start with the great monkey hunt?”

Garrus groaned. “T’Soni . . . no..”

She grinned. “I like that story.”

“No. Just . . . no,” Tali replied. “I've been trying to block that entire day from my memory.”

Kaidan laughed. “I've seen you guys come back from missions covered in a lot of things, but that day took the cake for sure.”

“Start at the beginning,” Daniels replied. “Now you have to tell it.”

“Which is going to require me telling it, I guess,” Shepard said, “since I was the only person there willing to repeat those events.” She laughed as Garrus’s elbow nudged her ribs. “We'd just arrived in the Attican Beta cluster when Admiral Hackett called to ask us to go after a spy probe that had gone down on Eletania. The geth knew about it, so we had to find it and retrieve the data module before they did.”

She shook her head. “We found the probe, but the data module was gone. There were a few dead pyjaks lying around the probe and no geth, so I figured that one of the beasties had run off with it.”

Tali sighed. “She tells us we have to search the nearby colonies for the probe and Garrus grumbles, 'Oh, this is going to be fun,' under his breath.” She giggled. “Shepard couldn't resist poking him, teasing him about missing the compulsory seminar at C-Sec on monkey search and take down procedures, what sort of criminal profile we were dealing with, and whether the C-Sec handbook recommended a net or a shotgun. The more Shepard and I laughed, the crankier he got.”

“Imagine that,” Garrus replied and shook his head..

“We searched the nearby colony, but didn't find anything,” Shepard said, taking the story back up, “so we moved on to the next. I had Tali trying to herd the little buggers, keeping the ones we'd searched separate from the one we hadn't. Pyjaks were running everywhere, hooting and warbling up a storm. It was pandemonium. I thought I heard something –- you have to remember that we were expecting the geth to show up any second –- so I pulled my gun. These two just looked at me like I was insane.” Shepard held up a finger as she paused to eat a mouthful of her really amazing chicken before it got cold. She couldn’t remember the last time she ate real chicken, with real mushrooms in real cream sauce.

“And Garrus says, 'I take it your handbook favours the shotgun, Commander',” Tali added.

Shepard swallowed, her hand lifting to partially cover her mouth as she laughed. “Yeah, though, I couldn't blame him for getting a shot in. I'd earned it. Anyway, I hung up my pistol, and somehow, hooked a grenade, lobbing it seven or eight metres. It obliterated three pyjaks. I felt terrible, but then I hear this little voice from behind me. 'And humans wonder why everyone thinks they're bullies.'” Shepard shook her head and shifted a little in her chair. “Anyway, no data module at that colony either.”

Tali motioned for Shepard to eat. “The next one was outside an abandoned mine. We checked all the pyjaks on the outside, but nothing, so in we went.”

“I could never wash the stink of that place out of that armour. Ended up throwing it out,” Garrus said. “Never smelled anything that bad before or since.”

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed. “That mine was horrific. It was so dark that you couldn't see a metre in front of you even with flashlights, and the floor was covered in six inches of water. There was pyjak crap everywhere, making the uneven ground slick as . . . well, as slick as shit.” Shepard shuddered. “Suddenly, I’m not sure this is a good story to tell while everyone is eating.”

“So, that place was completely gross, and totally not hygienic,” Tali continued, “but, we dug in and started searching. An hour later, all three of us were strung so tight that we were centimetres away from snapping. Garrus was elevating swearing to an art form, I was certain the smallest suit tear would prove instantly fatal, and Shepard was a half second from pulling her pistol and putting a bullet in everyone . . . and not just the pyjaks.”

Liara scowled. “Shepard!”

“It's the truth,” Shepard admitted around a mouthful of green beans.

Shepard laughed and shook her head, reaching up to caress his cheek. “Tali was maybe twenty feet away and saw this pair of wrestling pyjaks on top of a pile of crates, so she climbed up. I watched until she got to the top, then turned to pick one of the critters up. It bit me, so I was prying yet another set of pyjak teeth out of my glove when this bloodcurdling shriek ripped through the cavern. I thought a Geth Prime had crept up on us and ripped Tali in half. I grabbed my gun and spun around, the pyjak still hanging from my glove, but all I saw was flailing arms, legs and pyjaks flying through the air.”

Garrus sighed. “Right into me. I had three pyjaks stuffed under one arm, two in the other when this screaming lunatic hit me from behind. I staggered forward in the dark and stepped straight into a metre-deep hole. Fell face first, Tali and seven panicking pyjaks on top of me.”

“Utter bedlam,” Shepard laughed. “Poor Garrus, I thought he was going to explode before I got Tali and those critters off him.”

“Poor Garrus?” The turian's mandibles fluttered. “You were laughing so hard that you could barely breathe let alone help anyone out of that hole.” Garrus shook his head. “What a mess. Monkey crap head to foot . . . worst day of that whole damned run to find Saren. Thank the spirits the geth attacked us on the way out. I needed to kill things.”

Kaidan chuckled. “When they got back to the _Normandy_ , Joker refused to let Garrus and Tali back on until they'd been hosed down and put through three decon cycles.”

“Hmmm.” Garrus looked over at Shepard. “Seems only fair to counter that story with the one about the Alliance listening post.”

“No!” Shepard shook her head. “I think the story quota has been reached, hasn’t it?” She looked to Sol, her eyebrows raised, begging with her eyes.

“Nice try, Jane, but no.” She looked at her brother. “Continue.”

Garrus gave Shepard a teasing wink, his hand sliding over her thigh under the table. “The _Normandy_ received a distress call from an Alliance listening post close to geth space. When we arrived, turned out it was rachni. Shepard, as usual, insisted on driving the mako. Those of you who were spared that experience, offer thanks to whatever gods you believe in.” 

Shepard elbowed him, eliciting a throaty chuckle as he leaned over to nuzzle her temple.

Liara let out a soft, strangled moan. “Throttle at max, cursing every three seconds as it rolled down cliffs, bouncing from corner to corner.”

“My back and neck have never recovered,” Kaidan groaned.

Liara laughed. “Remember the fights, Garrus? Kaidan screaming driving advice, Shepard threatening to build a brig on the _Normandy_ to lock him in if he didn't stop.”

“Slow down!” Garrus bellowed, grinning at Shepard. “You don't need to drive full throttle all the time!”

“Do you want to drive?” Liara replied, taking up Shepard's side of the conversation.

“Please!”

“Well, you can't, so shut up, and hang on!”

“Dammit Shepard, it's not supposed to slide down mountains on the roof!”

“It'll right itself!”

“Now you've damaged the wheels. I told you not to jump it off that ridge!”

“That's what omnigel is for, Alenko!”

Shepard felt her face and neck begin to burn and punched Garrus in the arm. “Okay. Okay.”

“The scary part,” Kaidan said, chuckling, “is that was an actual conversation.” He winced. “More than once.”

Shepard shrugged. “I was determined not to let that stupid machine beat me.”

“Well, on that nowhere planet in the Styx Theta cluster, it did.” Kaidan shook his head, then winced and touched his nose with delicate fingers. “Shepard set the nav point, hit the accelerator and we careened off in the direction the arrow told us. Between us and the listening post stood this massive line of rock, just as steep as anything. Shepard lost her cool about halfway up, so when we finally hit the crest, she floored it.”

“That mako actually took flight,” Garrus said, miming the mako’s flight with his hand. “Flew fifty feet out and then dove straight for the ground, right into the roof of a mining shack.”

Kaidan continued to act out the crash as he took over. “The mako slammed into that nose first, rolled off the side, flipped the rest of the way down the cliff to bounce off rocks at the bottom and land nose down in a rachni tunnel.” He shook his head, his expression one of comical wonder. “If you tried a thousand times, you couldn't have made that happen.”

“We just sat there for a few minutes,” Garrus said, picking the story back up, “trying to figure out if we'd survived with all body parts intact.”

“Kaidan looked over at me,” Shepard said, “with this look on his face that I can only describe as the ultimate, ‘I told you so’, expression.” She chuckled. “I was slightly embarrassed and defensive, so I geared up to take him on the moment he opened his mouth. When the shock wore off, he just shook his head and said . . . 'Well, shit.'”

Kaidan laughed. “Was there anything else to say at that point?”

“Did you ever get her to let you drive?” Donnelly asked.

“Not the mako, no. She never really caught onto it, either.” Kaidan sent a quick wink across to Shepard, then winced, his fingertips returning to his nose.

“You're still alive, aren't you?” Shepard shook her head.

“Thanks to Dr. Chakwas knowing a thing or two about realigning spines and treating neural trauma.” Kaidan stood and swept down into an exaggerated bow to the good doctor.

She shook her head and turned to look at Garrus, just staring into his eyes and smiling. They’d come such a very, very long way.

Silver began to ring against crystal, and Shepard’s smile widened.

“What are they doing?” Garrus whispered, leaning in close.

“It’s a human tradition,” Admiral Hackett spoke up. “It means they want you to kiss.”

“Oh.” He tilted his head a little. “I think I can manage that.”

Shepard pressed her lips to his mouth, her eyes closing, the smile refusing to leave her face as their friends and family hooted.

After another hour of laughing until her ribs ached, Shepard saw Sol give Hackett a meaningful look, and he stood.

“Clanspeople, friends, and family, we welcome you to remain and avail yourselves of our hospitality. It is time for the family to retire for the private aspects of the bonding ceremony. If you have not contributed to the herbal mixtures on the tables, please do so. Tomorrow breakfast will be laid out between 0800 and 1000 here in the gallery, then lunch between 1200 and 1400. The human wedding ceremony will begin at 1600 at the crest of the cliff on the west side of the lodge.” He scanned the datapad, then nodded. “On behalf of Garrus and Jane, I wish you a good evening.”

Garrus stood and held his hand out to Shepard, who took it and stood, holding hers out for Lenka. She pulled the child in against her and wrapped her arm around the narrow shoulders.

“Did you have fun listening to funny stories about Mommy and Daddy?” she asked.

Lenka nodded and giggled. “You were a really scary driver.” 

“She was,” Garrus agreed, leaning around Shepard.

It took them twenty minutes to get out the gallery doors and upstairs to their room. Shepard closed the door behind them, grinning as Lenka jumped onto the bed.

“The beds here are so soft, Mommy,” she said, flopping over on her side. 

“Compared to the one on the _Normandy_ , they sure are,” Shepard agreed. She walked to the end of the bed and looked down. A small fire burned on the hearth, and two low stools sat in front of it, a small table off to one side. “What’s this?” she asked.

Garrus just bobbed his head a little, the flutter of his mandibles giving him away. The stools and table were part of something really important to him, but he wanted to wait for the right moment to reveal what it was.

Knuckles rapped on the door, Garrus striding over to answer it before Shepard could. Herros and Solana stepped inside as he pulled it open. Ah, he’d been waiting for back-up.

“Hey guys.” Shepard frowned a little at their serious, intent expressions. “What’s going on?”

Sol held out a hand to Lenka. “Come on, baby bird. Kiss your _mari_ and _pari_ goodnight, then let’s go run you through a bubblebath.”

Lenka sighed, but didn’t argue. She stood on the bed to kiss Garrus, who lifted her down to the floor. 

Shepard crouched to pull her daughter into a tight hug. “Wait until you try a bubblebath. You’re going to love it.” She kissed Lenka’s cheek. “Mmmm. Oh my goodness, I love you.”

Lenka kissed her. “I love you, too.”

Taking the child’s face between her hands, Shepard stared into the beautiful, dark eyes. “If you need us during the night, you get your _ami_ to bring you right in, okay?” When Lenka nodded, Shepard kissed her again. “Okay, go have fun with bubbles, and sleep well, baby.” She blinked back tears as Lenka took Sol’s hand and followed her from the room.

Garrus made a low, soothing rumble and wrapped his arm around her. “First night apart. Well, that you weren’t abducted by crazy people.”

Shepard just nodded and swiped the back of her hand across her cheeks. “So, what’s up with the serious looks here, guys?”

Herros set a small wooden box on the bed and walked over to take her hands in his. “Jane, on the evening of the first day, it’s traditional for the parents of the male bond-mate to outline their _famila notas_ on the female’s face. The bond-mate then fills them in after the ceremonies are over.” He squeezed her hands gently, looking uncomfortable.

“So, you’re here to blue me up a bit?” Shepard shrugged and glanced at Garrus.

Garrus stepped into his father’s place as Herros pulled back. “Shepard, we’re asking if you’ll take our _famila notas_.”

Shepard smiled and reached up, her fingertips tracing his markings across his nose and right cheek, then down the length of his mandible. “Of course I will.” Her fingers slipped down his neck to rest on the rim of his cowl. “Were you thinking I wouldn’t?”

Sighing, Garrus reached up and laid his hand over hers. “It’s not . . .. Shepard, you’re human, and the dye lasts a long time. Wearing turian markings might cause problems for you on Palaven. Some turians . . .. Well, there’s a growing xenophobic movement on Palaven since the war.”

“Some turians will object to our marriage and children, and so will some humans.” Shepard’s spine stiffened, and she clenched her teeth, a slow-burning anger settling in her gut. It eased a little as she held Garrus’s stare. “Don’t think about it for a second, Garrus. Don’t let their hatred and fear make you doubt. There are always going to be people who object to our family, and I don’t have time for them.” She slipped her hand around his neck and pulled him down until their brows touched. “Bottom line, do you want me to wear your _famila notas_?”

He caressed her neck and lifted the hand he still held up to press against his chest. “Very much.”

She tilted her face to kiss him. “Then I’ll wear my husband’s markings, proudly. If anyone has a problem with that, I’ll explain things to them.”

Garrus returned her kiss, then pulled her in tight against him.

“I’ll get Sol and see the little one to bed,” Herros said, his voice a breathy whisper. “I’ll be back when she’s finished.”

Shepard nodded without pulling away. “Thanks, Dad.”

“What did I do without you?” Garrus asked, his voice barely stirring the air.

“Same thing I did without you, I suppose.” She kissed him. “Not a problem we have to worry about any more.” 

She relaxed into his arms, hers slipping around him. “I know that it’s not always going to be easy being a mixed species family. But, if you think I’m going to allow the opinions of the close-minded to change the way I live or force me to hide my love for you and our children . . ..” She kissed his neck, breathing him in deep. “I found the single best man in the galaxy and somehow got him to fall in love with me. I’m proud to be your mate, Garrus, and I’ll be insanely proud to be the mother of our children. No matter what.” 

Knuckles knocked on the door a second before it opened. “You decent?” Sol asked, sticking her head through.

Shepard laughed. “Dad left two seconds ago. How fast do you think we are?” She shook her head.

Sol chuckled. “I know. I just love it when your face goes red like that.” She stepped inside and walked over to take Shepard’s hand as the couple parted. “So, usually it’s the mother who does the first step of applying the _famila notas_ , but is it okay if I take our mother’s place?”

“Of course it is.” Shepard followed Sol to the fire and, with a complete lack of grace, lowered herself onto the floor-hugging stool. 

Sol slid the little table in front of her. “Get it as close as you can, unless you want to have weird blue jagged marks all over your face.” When Shepard got the table settled flush with her belly, Sol pulled up her stool and sat, placing the small, wooden box off to one side. 

Shepard peered over the edge of the table at the contents. Cushioned on a soft, blue material lay a small mortar and pestle, brushes, and containers that looked as though they’d been fashioned from fired clay.

“This is our family’s _harediarcha_ ,” Sol said, her voice soft. She looked to Garrus and nodded.

He lowered himself down to sit cross-legged next to the table, and reached into the box to remove the mortar and pestle. “It’s passed down from mothers to daughters,” he said, removing a thick stick wrapped in tussat paper. He peeled back the paper to reveal something that looked almost like charcoal. He put the end in the bowl and smashed off a few chunks with the pestle.

“It holds everything we need for the different traditions and ceremonies,” Sol continued, smiling. “We watched our father do this more than once. Especially Twig, because he kept messing his face up.” She reached out to touch his scars where the _famila notas_ was barely visible. “Guess somethings never change.”

Shepard grinned. “Yeah. He thinks the scars make him look all dangerous and sexy.”

Chuckling, Sol set out the brushes. “I blame Gira and Rossus’s oldest son. He had some impressive scars from his time in the military. Garrus idolized him when he was little.”

Garrus just tilted his head in a slight shrug and ground the chunks into a fine powder. He frowned a little, then shook his head. “I don’t remember that.” 

He tested the powder a couple of times, then set the pestle aside and took the largest of the clay jars from the box, pouring a little of what looked like a thin oil into the bowl before going back to grinding. Three times he added oil, then nodded and slid it over to Sol.

“We made sure the base wasn’t going to give you a massive rash or anything,” Sol said, grinning at Shepard with a gleam in her eye that didn’t reassure her. “The brushes might be a little rough on your face.” She winced. “They are made for somewhat tougher hide.” 

Sol picked up the brush and took a deep breath. “Okay, now we just hope that I have a steady hand.” She leaned forward, bracing her elbows on the table. “Lean in the best you can so that I can reach you.”

Shepard leaned in, folding her arms on the table’s top to brace herself. Sol gripped her chin gently and dipped the brush in the ink.

“Hold still or you are going to have a really bad case of blue freckles for the next year or so.” She touched the brush to the center of the bridge of Shepard’s nose. The bristles scratched a little, but nothing irritating, and Shepard found it easy to sit still as Sol dotted the outline of the markings on her face. After nearly an hour, the turian leaned back and looked Shepard over with an appraising eye.

“Looks good.” She pushed herself up and sidled past her brother. “Dad will be knocking in a moment. Good night, you two. Don’t stay up too late.” 

“Goodnight, Sol, and thanks,” Shepard called. “See you in the morning.” When the door shut, Shepard grinned at Garrus. “Do I look like I have the pox?”

He chuckled and took her hand. “You’ve got the blue pox. I hear it’s a lifelong affliction.”

Shepard shook her head and sighed. “Whatever will I do?”

Knuckles rapped against the door.

“Come in.” Shepard twisted to grin up at Herros. “How do I look?”

He chuckled. “Covered in dots.” He laid a hand on the back of Garrus’s cowl as he squeezed past.

The comfortable, casual affection behind that contact made Shepard’s eyes burn with tears again. Being a human-shaped bundle of hormones really sucked sometimes. 

“What?” Garrus asked. “Are you okay?” He started to get up.

“No, Garrus. I’m fine. It’s just crazy pregnant lady stuff. I’m getting a little tired.” She pressed her palm to his chest. “I’m fine.”

Herros sat and settled himself as Sol had done, then stirred the ink, giving Garrus a nod of approval. 

Shepard leaned against the table, assuming her braced position. This time, Garrus took her fingers in his, holding them loosely as his father filled in between the dots, outlining the markings. His practiced hand made quick work of it, and he pulled back in less than fifteen minutes.

She looked back and forth from father to son. “Well? How do I look? Do they suit me?”

Pushing himself to his feet, Garrus smiled. “You look beautiful, and they look as if you were born to wear them.” He nuzzled the top of her head, then picked up the utensils, carrying them to the bathroom.

“You are always lovely, Jane,” Herros said. “In every way.” He laid his hand on her head. “I’ll see you in the morning.” He chuckled. “Try not to cry for a couple of hours or you’ll streak.”

Laughing, she gave him an exaggerated nod. “Sure, Dad, give me the one condition I probably can’t keep.” She wriggled her nose, unable to feel the markings at all. 

He nodded. “Keep tissues close at hand.” He called goodnight to Garrus from the door, then left.

Garrus returned a minute later, just as Shepard started getting up. “No, stay there for another second. We’re not quite done.”

She sank back onto the stool. “I have to get up soon. I’m starting to feel like an anaconda that ate a deer and then tied itself into a knot.”

He sat across from her this time. “Remember the herbs on the tables?” He withdrew one of the jars from the box. “This contains both how our friends and family see us as we are, and what they hope for our future.” He uncorked it and dumped it into the clean mortar, then placed it in the center of the table. “Tonight we grind them up with a little oil.” He poured a tiny pool of oil into the bowl. “And then add it to a larger container of oil to permeate through it until tomorrow night.”

Grinning as she picked up the pestle, Shepard ran her lower lip between her teeth. “And what do we do with the oil tomorrow night?”

“Filter it.” His mandibles flared and fluttered hard when she sighed. “The rest I’ll leave until tomorrow night.” He laid his hand over hers and they ground the herbs into a thick paste. When he declared it ground well enough, he scraped it into another jar, which he shook, corked and set up on the mantle.

When Shepard started to lever herself off the floor, her legs refusing to obey even the most simple command, he just chuckled. “Stay there for another second, and I’ll clear this away.”

Shepard sighed. “You know, there was a time, I could get myself up off the floor.”

“For all you complain, I know you love it.” He set his stool and the table in a corner and pushed the box out of the way. “Come on, sexy. Up you come.” He held out his hands.

Taking his hands, Shepard hauled herself up, laughing softly as he pulled her into a tight hug. “I do love it,” she admitted, “but, I’m going to stop there because Dad told me not to cry for a couple of hours.” She pulled back. “Okay, I am going to change into my jammies.”

“Sol said to look in the top drawer of the bureau when the subject of nightwear came up. I’m going to enjoy our first childless night and not wear those ridiculous night trousers.” He moved to the wardrobe and began taking off his suit. “Oh, now this is nice,” he said, pulling out a blue robe with black trim. “It’s turian.” 

They looked at one another and said, “Sol,” at the same time, then laughed.

Still chuckling, Shepard opened the drawer and pulled out a t-shirt and shorts made from blue _tussat_ silk. “Your sister is amazing.” Stripping quickly, she changed into the soft nightclothes. She ran her hands over her belly and down her thighs, then laughed. “Oh my god, I can’t stop petting myself.”

Having donned the robe, Garrus climbed up to sit in the middle of the bed, his legs crossed, hands resting on his knees. “Then come over here and let me pet you instead.” When Shepard sat next to him, he said, “Okay, this is going to take some doing, but I want you to sit on my legs and wrap your legs around behind me.” 

Shepard shot him a dubious scowl. “Are you trying to have me fall off the bed and land on my head?”

“It’s a traditional position. I’ll help you.”

Shepard crawled up onto the mattress, gripping his hands and chuckling helplessly as he steadied her. “This is not an easy position for a fat lady to get into.” 

Once she was settled, he smiled, mandibles fluttering, and placed his hands on his daughter. Fluttering turned to flicking hard with what Shepard knew was delight when she felt the baby move under his hand. Shepard laid her hands over his, stroking the backs of his talons with loving fingers.

“I’ve dreamed about this moment,” he whispered, looking up into Shepard’s eyes.

She stared back, silent, knowing she didn’t need to speak. He would see everything he needed to know in her eyes, the love and devotion in her gaze a mirror of his own. 

He reached out to run the back of a talon outside the markings on Shepard’s face. After he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, she knew he was trying to put words to feelings that words just diminished. She smiled as his subharmonics thrummed and took his hand in hers, lifting it to press a kiss into the palm. 

“So, is this part of the ceremony?” she asked, still nuzzling his hand. 

“Tomorrow others will give us their blessings, but tonight, I wanted to give you my gift.” He leaned over the side of the huge bed and picked up a small, locked crate, placing it on the mattress beside them. He unlocked it, then reached out and brushed her neck with his talons, a painfully hopeful look in his eyes.

Shepard lifted the lid off the crate and set it aside. She reached in and pulled out a towel wrapped around something squishy and plush. Her heart thumping soft and quick, she placed the package in her lap and unwrapped it. When she saw the first wooden eye, she let out a soft mewl of mixed pain, surprise, and delight. She sobbed once, a small explosion of joy so profound that felt as though it would crack her chest open. Tears blurred her vision so she couldn’t even see the rest of her old, cherished companion as she pulled the towel aside.

“Morgan.” She picked him up and hugged him, looking up to meet Garrus’s eyes, tears raining so hard and thick that she could barely breathe. “How?”

His eyes shining, Garrus picked up the corner of the towel, mopping up the tears before they could cause streaks. “Turned out the storage facility was just buried under a ton of rubble.”

She threw her arms around his neck and covered his face in kisses. “I can’t believe it,” she whispered at last, pressing her brow to his. “This is so unbelievably beautiful, Garrus. Thank you so much.” She lifted the battered old stuffed animal to her lips and kissed the end of his muzzle. “He was the only thing other than the ring that I could bear to look at after what happened.” Reaching out, she caressed his face. “This is the single most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you so much, my love.”

He swallowed hard then looked to the crate. “I knew he was all you brought with you, but I thought after you watched me go through my mother’s things that you might want more of your parents.” He reached into the crate, laying a fairly large, thick, rectangular parcel in her lap. “I asked Admiral Hackett to contact the colonial authorities on Mindoir, but they only had one thing.”

Shepard stared into his eyes, heart thumping hard and fast against her ribs, terrified to look down as he pulled the towel back. She’d never imagined that anything had been kept. Clutching Morgan to her chest, she looked down, reaching out with a shaking hand to pull back the last fold of towel.

“Oh my . . ..” She laid her hand on the soft, battered leather, not even needing to turn it over to see the front in order to know what it was. “Oh, Garrus.” She stroked her fingers over it. “How?”

He lifted it and turned it over, the gold embossed letters on the front as tattered as the rest, but still visible. “It was in the cultural museum. Hackett managed to squeeze it out with a patrol returning to Earth. We owe the museum a display now. I told them you had a spare Star of Terra you could send them.” 

Shepard stared at the cover, stunned and dry-eyed. She opened the cover and smiled, running her fingers over the first page.

“What is this?” Garrus asked. 

Shepard sighed. “Every family bible records all the important events in the family. This is the births page.” She slid a finger down the list. “There’s my grandfather. He had eight brothers and sisters.” Chuckling, she pointed them out. “Then my dad, he was an only child. A ton of second cousins, and then me.” Laying her palm down on the page, she looked up. “This is . . .” She shook her head and took a wavering breath. “. . . the most amazing thing, Garrus. I don’t know how you managed it, but thank you. Thank you so much, my love.”

Tears sprang into her eyes again as love and gratitude welled up within her, spilling out the only way they could escape. He reached out, cupping her neck in his hand, his thumb stroking her ear. 

She leaned into the touch. “How did I get so lucky to find you?” 

He shrugged. “I’ve always felt like the lucky one.”

Shepard wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in to touch her brow to his. “I have something for you, but it’s halfway across the room, and I’m never getting out of this position.” Closing her eyes, she tilted her head to kiss him. 

He returned her kiss, pulling her into him as it deepened, his hands sliding under her shirt to knead her back and shoulders. When they pulled apart, panting, he whispered. “It’s actually very easy to get out of.”

“Mmm, but I don’t want to now. I just want to kiss every inch of you that I can reach, but I’m terrified that it’ll smudge me.” She kissed him again, then looked down at her oldest friend. “I never thought I’d see either of these things again. You’ve given me something unbelievably precious.” After a moment, she set the bible and toy horse inside the crate. “Help me up, husband.”

Garrus turned until his legs hung over the edge of the bed, wrapped his arms around her then stood.

Shepard lowered her legs. “You’re right, that was easy.” She kissed him, then gave him a gentle push to sit him back on the bed. “My gift was made by my very own little hands.” She grinned and hurried over to open her bag. She pulled out the gift and crawled over the bed to sit on her heels, facing him. “This gift has caused a rift between myself and Steve, by the way, for all the water flowing across his shuttle bay.”

Garrus turned to face her, drawing one knee up onto the mattress. He snapped the catches on the container and lifted the lid. He gave her a sort of confused, incredulous frown, but his mandibles fluttered. He lifted the thick, hardcover, fabric-bound book from the container. “You made this?”

Shepard nodded and untied the closure. “Open it.”

He did, revealing a large, cream coloured blank page with feathered edges. He ran his talons over the paper. “You even made the paper, didn’t you?” The frown returned. “How?”

“I picked bundles of grass on Pertexa, then dried it for a week, then ground it up with old mission reports and some cotton, which may or may not have been the sleeve off the uniform I used for the cover.” She pointed out the small, blue strands and chuckled. “Okay, it caused a couple of rifts with Steve.”

She reached into the container again. “These are charcoals of different hardnesses.” She set them on the page and reached up to lay her hand where his neck eased into the front of his cowl. “Talent like yours shouldn’t stay bottled up for years on end, my love. It needs to get out and stretch.” 

“It’s the most amazing gift I’ve ever been given,” he said, his voice soft. He set the sketch book and charcoals back in the container and pulled her into his arms. “Well, outside you and the girls.” He let out a long breath. “Thank you, Shepard.”

She blinked, trying to keep her eyes dry. “You’re welcome, Garrus.” She pulled back and kissed him. “I love you.”

“And I love you, more than I thought I could ever love anyone.”

She smiled and bumped her brow against his. “Hmm. Guess we should get married then, huh?”


	55. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The human ceremony. Where are my tissues?

**December 21, 2187**

 

“Jane, do you have a moment?”

Shepard turned toward the door and smiled. “Of course, Dad. For you, always.” She lifted her skirt a little so she wouldn't trip over it and turned away from the mirror to meet him as he entered. “I can't stop staring at myself.” She laughed. “I'm not fully convinced it’s actually my reflection.”

Herros's mandibles fluttered. “You look lovely, Jane. My son is the luckiest of men.” He approached her and held out his hands.

Shepard took them. “Thank you, but I think I'm getting the better end of the bargain.” Taking a deep breath, she smiled. “You just checking in?”

“No.” Releasing her hands, he reached into a pocket and withdrew a small brooch hung from an intricate chain like a pendant. “One year, when Garrus and Solana were small, they gave this to their mother. I was supposed to come home for a family event, but work got in the way. My wife was, understandably disappointed, so my children gathered up their pocket money and bought this to make her feel better.” He took Shepard's hand and placed it in her palm.

Shepard held it up. It was a delicate disk of a silver nickel composite with a shimmering symbol inlaid in a deep blue stone. “It’s beautiful.”

“Loosely translated, the symbol means cherished one. My wife wore it always. She said it reminded her that the old adage was true, that sometimes the most valuable gift of all is knowing you're loved. Since she died, I've carried it with me, but more as a reminder of how my priorities led to my family's estrangement and bitterness. Of all the cycles that I wasted.” He took her hands and leaned forward to touch his brow to hers. “You have given me back my family, so now I pass it to you, so that it becomes a symbol of love once more.”

Shepard smiled and leaned in to kiss his cheek. “Thank you so much, Dad. I'll treasure it.” She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. “My people have a tradition that when a woman gets married, it's good fortune for her to be wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. I was missing a couple, unless I count my face as the something blue.” She pulled back, unclasped it and held it out. “Would you?”

He took it from her and placed it around her neck, did up the clasp, and then ran a gentle hand over her hair. “I will leave you to finish getting ready, my daughter.”

“Thank you, Dad.” Shepard watched after him until the door shut, then turned toward Liara and Traynor.

Liara stepped up and looked at the brooch. “It's a lovely gift.” 

Shepard walked over to the wall adjacent to Garrus’s room and pressed her ear to the walnut panelling. Smiling, she listened as the door shut, and she heard the warm rumble of father and son talking.

“Spying is not at all seemly, Shepard,” Liara said, her tone firm and scolding.

“Says the Shadow Broker,” Traynor said and giggled.

“I’m not spying,” Shepard whispered. “I can’t hear what they’re saying, just the tone.” She closed her eyes, savouring the sounds of their voices, and the warm, safe feelings they engendered. Her heartbeat slowed, the nervous tremors easing a little. For the moment, all was right with the universe. “Listen. It’s like ambrosia for your ears.”

“Don’t start crying,” Liara admonished, pressing her ear to the wall as well. “I just finished your makeup.” She smiled. “Oh! Yes, that is lovely.”

Shepard opened her eyes and grinned. “No hitting on my father-in-law, T’Soni. He’s almost half your age.” Her grin widened at the indignant scowl that furrowed the asari’s brow.” Pushing away from the wall, Shepard straightened and walked back to the mirror. Swishing her skirt a little, she stared at the thin but obviously pregnant, pretty, red-headed bride who stared back. How could the person in the mirror be her? She’d always been the hard-edged, stern-faced redhead in the uniform.

Her smile saddened ever so slightly. That Jane Shepard had been a hell of a soldier and a hell of a woman. Time, life, and Garrus had painted this new, softer version over the old. “Who and what will you prove to be?” she whispered at her reflection.

“No crying,” Liara scolded again.

Shepard sighed and glanced at the asari’s reflection. “Who puts eye makeup on for an event pretty much guaranteed to have you crying the whole time?” she asked, laying her hands on the silk covered curve of her belly.

“I found the most waterproof mascara that I could.” Liara sighed. “We can travel thousands of times the speed of light and still, no one can invent a tear-proof mascara, so carry tissues and blot, don’t wipe.”

Shepard folded down into one of the chairs. “Years from now, my kids will be looking back at the holos and ask, ‘Mommy, why is your face all streaked with black?’” She chuckled. “Followed by, ‘Mommy, isn’t that the day Aunt Liara disappeared never to be heard from again?’”

Traynor laughed, but Liara just narrowed her eyes as her face flushed a deeper blue. “I just wanted you to be beautiful,” she said, her voice an exasperated whine.

Shepard shrugged. “I thought I was pretty without it.”

“You know what I mean.” The Shadow Broker sighed.

“Okay. Okay. I’ll stop teasing.” Shepard winked.

Knuckles rapped at the door, then Solana stuck her head through. “Everyone just about ready?” She squeezed herself and a garment bag through the smallest opening she could manage and shut the door behind her. “Garrus has spies everywhere,” she whispered, chuckling.

Grinning, Shepard stood. “Well, we’re pretty darned ready here.” She lifted her skirt and extended a leg, toe pointed. “Even have my garter. I really hope this little gift of Mel’s falls under something new, not something borrowed.”

Sol sighed and shook her head. “Just for that, I won’t tell you.” Shepard’s sister-in-law walked over, her eyes shining despite her teasing words. “You’re absolutely gorgeous.” She reached out and touched her mother’s brooch.

“Sol . . ..” Shepard said, taking her sister’s hand, feeling greedy for possessing that tiny, precious piece of Sol’s memories.

The turian tilted her head, her mandibles pressing close to her face but fluttering softly. “I’m glad you have it. You’re her daughter too. Besides, Twig picked it out. I was pretty little, so my contribution consisted mostly of, ‘Oooo pretty.’”

She held up the garment bag and a small stasis pod nearly hidden in her hand underneath. “But, I come bearing gifts from afar to finish getting you ready.” Careful hands hung the garment bag from the frame of the full-length mirror then held up the pod. “This is from Gira.”

Shepard smiled, her eyes stinging a little. Blinking hard, she shot Liara a glare that made the asari go a deep blue. “Gira?”

“She wanted you to have a little piece of your new home and sent it back with Garrus.” The moment Sol popped the seals on the container, the most wonderful scent burst out, filling the room.

“Rylamia,” Shepard said, closing her eyes and breathing in the sweet, spicy fragrance.

Sol opened the container and slid out a sprig of leaves with a spray of the tiny white, star-shaped flowers along its length. She reached up, and placed it in Shepard’s hair just above her left temple, the spiky leaves holding it in place like a comb. “There, lovely. Rylamia is good luck.”

“Thanks, Sol.” Shepard looked at herself in the mirror, planning to just turn back, but then stopped, her eyes locking onto the stranger reflecting back with the flowers in her hair. Where had the lines around her eyes come from? The deep ones around her mouth?

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sol unzip the garment bag and remove something, but she couldn’t take her eyes off the woman in the mirror. 

“This was my mother’s and her mother’s . . . back so many generations that I can’t even really tell you how many,” Sol said, laying a coarsely woven, white mantle over Shepard’s shoulders. 

“Your mother’s bonding robe?” Shepard asked. As Sol settled the mantle around her shoulders, Shepard watched the woman in the mirror complete her transformation. Where vestiges of Jane Shepard, N7 had remained moments before, the angry girl from Mindoir vanished, painted over by Admiral Jane Shepard, Garrus Vakarian’s wife, Lenka and Mercy Vakarian’s mother, Spectre and instructor. After a moment, she smiled and nodded, deciding she liked the change. Yeah, she liked it a lot.

She looked down at the bonding robe as Sol turned her around to start fastening thin chains made from soft grey links that glimmered like pearl. “What are these made from?” She ran her fingers over it. “It doesn’t feel like metal.”

“It’s . . . hm . . . not sure how to translate it, but it is the hard casing from creatures that live in the sea. Each chain is carved as it is, already linked. Very delicate, exacting work, but also very strong.” 

Unlike Garrus’s bonding robe, hers had no center panel in the front. Instead, the embroidery covered the two side panels. Sol held the right one up and showed Shepard the embroidery that had been done for her and Garrus.

“Sorry, I had the seamstress do it after Garrus sent me a holo of what you embroidered on his. Didn’t really have time for you to do another.”

Shepard smiled and shook her head as she ran her fingertips over the little gold Reaper, rifle, and citadel. “She did an amazing job. Way better than mine.” Her smile turned to a wide grin as her hands flowed up over the material to the stiff, formed collar, which stood up off her neck and folded back to cover the rim of a cowl. “It’s beautiful.”

“Garrus is going to bust a plate,” Sol chuckled. “I didn’t tell him that Mom gave it to me. He thinks it was lost in the war.”

Grabbing Sol’s hands in hers, Shepard stilled their fussing and pulled her sister into a hug. “Thank you for all of this Sol. You took what we expected to be a great day and turned it into a dream. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for doing this for us . . . for him.” 

Sol’s eyes were glassy when she pulled back and squeezed Shepard’s fingers. “You’re welcome. It’s been so worth it to watch the two of you and the little one.”

Shepard frowned. “Speaking of . . ..”

“Dad’s taking her up when Garrus goes. Don’t worry, we’ve got her.”

A fist banged on the door, and Joker called, “Hey! The menfolk have moved out, ladies. Get your butts in gear!”

“We’re coming, stop shouting,” Liara shouted back. She turned to Shepard and smiled. “It's time. You ready?”

Shepard nodded. “I must be, right? Dress is on, hair and makeup are presentable. Although I feel oddly at a loss without a gun.”

Traynor laughed. “That would be a new bridal look. We could festoon your Mattock with ribbons. You could carry it instead of a bouquet.”

“No!” Shepard shuddered. “Too horrible. It's just a rifle, Traynor. Show a little mercy. It could never bear the shame.” She grinned and gave the specialist a wink.

“Hey, Shepard. Can we get on with this?” Joker called from the other side of the door. “Rule number one. Never give the groom enough time to change his mind.”

Shepard opened the door, and glared at the pilot. “I'm ready. You promised to behave yourself. No repeats of yesterday.”

Joker tugged at the collar of his tux. “This thing is choking me. It’s reduced my hyoid bone to dust. Although . . .” He dropped his voice and cocked an eyebrow. “Ladies . . .. Me in a bow tie . . .. Come on . . . admit it . . . I’m rocking your world.”

“Samantha, please hold me back. I can’t control myself.” Liara shook her head as she walked past.

“Maybe, if you behave yourself, I’ll admit it,” Sam said and chuckled.

“I'd lay good money on that not happening,” the asari said and sighed.

Traynor gave Joker a little jab with her finger as she followed Liara. “This is Shepard's big day, don't mess it up.”

“Have a little faith, ladies.” Joker shook his head and turned around, holding out his elbow. “Well, come on, let's get this over with.”

Shepard slipped her hand through his arm and started down the hall.

“Wait!” Sol hurried over behind them and gathered up the train of the dress, making sure nothing touched the ground. “I swear, you’d have just wrestled in the mud and then walked down the aisle if I wasn’t here.”

Shepard shrugged. “Probably.” She grinned. “Are we ready to go?” When Sol nodded, she followed Joker out of the building. As they crossed the gravel driveway, the only sound was the slight mechanical noise of Joker's leg braces and the birds warbling from the other side of the compound. They stopped just out of sight, waiting for the music to start.

Shepard peered around the corner of the building and looked up the hill toward the mass of people assembled at the crest. “I think I’m nervous.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s a firm on the nervous, Shepard.” Joker grunted and tugged at his arm a little. “You've broken my arm in thirty places, and we haven't even hit the end of the aisle.”

She gave a shaky laugh and loosened the choke hold she had on his arm. “I don't suppose there's an invasion going on anywhere that needs my immediate attention.”

“Yeah . . . ah . . . I just came out of the men's room, so might not be up on the latest news, but I think you're stuck with the whole signing the rest of your life away thing.” He grinned as the Alliance quartet began to play. “Come on, Admiral, they're playing your song.”

Shepard took another shaky breath, but took one resolute step forward then another. “We should have just done this in front of Hackett. I should have worn my dress blues. I feel like an idiot.”

“But, and I'll never admit saying this if you tell anyone, you look unbelievably beautiful. If I'd known you'd clean up like this . . . I don't know, I might have given Garrus a run for his money.”

Shepard leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thanks.” She shifted onto her toes as the heels of her shoes sank into the sod.

“Oh, come on, just because you're getting married doesn't mean you can go and get all sappy on me. Let's get this thing done.” He led her up the hill, stopping at the end of the aisle. After a second, he leaned over and gave her a quick peck in return. “I'll deny that too, just so you know.”

Shepard chuckled, but as she looked up and saw the man waiting for her at the other end of the aisle, everything else faded into background noise. Her heart fluttered as if unable to catch its breath long enough to take a full beat, and the trembling in her belly warmed to something less nervous and more amorous. He struck a dashing figure in his black and gold tux, the bonding robe draped over it accentuating his height and already broad shoulders. Even from fifteen metres away, she could see him breathing deep and quick. It calmed her a little that he looked as nervous as she felt. She smiled as his eyes locked on hers, and he straightened. 

She frowned. Something looked off, but she couldn’t place it for a couple of seconds, then she laughed. No visor. It had been so long since she saw him outside of bed without it. He really was a beautiful man. 

Outside her bubble of concentration, she felt Sol fussing with her train. After a moment, the turian stepped around her, thrusting a small bouquet of lilies into her hand before walking down the aisle to stand with Liara and Traynor.

Shepard’s breathing slowed, the sound of the air rushing in and out her nose oddly loud. When her eyes began to prickle, she realized that she hadn’t blinked. She let out a soft, nervous chuckle and both blinked and swallowed. The music started, the low, melodic beauty of the cello and bass tugging at her heart and endangering Liara’s makeup even before the thing started.

Joker set out, giving her a small tug when she didn't step forward with him. Half stumbling on her first step, she recovered in a couple of steps and managed to make it the rest of the way between the rows of chairs without falling on her face. Her eyes never left the man waiting for her at the other end.

At the far end of the aisle, Joker pulled her to a stop in front of Admiral Hackett. He placed her hand in Garrus's then turned to join Tali at the groom's side.

“You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,” Garrus said in a low, husky whisper. He reached up and ran a talon over the pendant. “My mother's.”

Shepard smiled and nodded. “Dad gave it to me just a few minutes ago.”

Garrus smiled and nodded, his eyes glassy. “I'm glad she's here.” After a moment, his brow plates rose, then drew together, and he lifted his hand again to touch the collar of the bonding robe. Shepard smiled, her eyes misting to match his. His jaw trembled for a moment, and he drew his mandibles in tight. Squeezing his fingers, she just held his stare, both taking strength from the contact and offering it.

Admiral Hackett stepped forward. “We are gathered here today to witness the sharing of vows and trading of rings as two friends swear their lives to one another. No other duty I perform brings me as much joy, and today I consider myself blessed to unite Garrus Vakarian and Jane Shepard as life mates, husband and wife. Most of us have watched this relationship develop and have been both comforted and uplifted seeing such a strong light grow out of the darkness that threatened to engulf us all.”

The admiral's voice faded to background noise as Shepard gazed into Garrus' eyes, the whole journey solidifying into a reality that both excited and terrified her. Electric chills raced over her skin, lifting into gooseflesh. Suddenly, she felt like shouting and crying and laughing all at the same time. They'd made it. So many obstacles had been thrown between them and that moment that sometimes it had seemed like it was just a beautiful, impossible dream to hang onto.

Hackett's voice intruded into her thoughts. “Jane, if you would speak your vows.”

She nodded and smiled, squeezing Garrus' hands, her heart hammering in her chest. “I, Jane Elizabeth Shepard, take you, Garrus Vakarian, as my husband and lifelong mate, binding my soul to yours from this day until the end of time. I promise to love you above all others, giving my heart to you and only you in this life and beyond. I promise to share in your joys and your sorrows, care for you when you are ill, uplift you when you are down, and support you in all things. I promise to be your safe harbour, the one true thing upon which you can always depend, the person who speaks truth when it seems as though lies are all you can hear, the arms that will always hold you when you need to be reminded that you are cherished . . .” She turned a little and reached out a hand to Lenka. The child grinned and gripped it tight, taking Garrus' when he offered it as well. Shepard's eyes returned to his. “. . . the mother of your children, and your most faithful companion.”

Garrus's mandibles fluttered, and he looked down, clearing his throat.

Hackett took a deep breath. “Garrus, if you would speak your vows.”

Garrus took a deep breath, staring down at their joined hands for a moment before he cleared his throat again and looked up, the pale blue eyes she'd come to rely on as mirrors to her world staring into hers. “I, Garrus Vakarian,” he said, his voice a gruff whisper, “take you, Jane Elizabeth Shepard, as my wife and lifelong mate, binding my soul to yours from this day until the end of time.” As he said the words, a change came over him. He straightened a bit, his voice beginning to project, and yet she knew he intended the words for her ears only. “I promise to love you above all others, giving my heart to you and only you in this life and beyond. I promise to share in your joys and your sorrows, care for you when you are ill, uplift you when you are down, and support you in all things. I promise to be your safe harbour, the one, true thing upon which you can always depend, the person who speaks truth when it seems as though lies are all you can hear, the arms that will always hold you when you need to be reminded that you are cherished, the father of your children, and your most faithful companion.”

Shepard smiled and took a deep breath, letting the joyful tears that leaked from her eyes roll down her cheeks undisturbed. He was already all of those things and so much more.

Hackett nodded to Liara.

The asari stepped away from Shepard's side, walking to the front to face the gathering. She gave Shepard and Garrus a wide smile and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Talk about a hard act to follow.” She took a deep breath and raised a small book, opening it. “In my research into human wedding customs, I discovered that it was traditional for a loved one to read an inspirational or spiritual passage. Jeff and a couple of other people have informed me that my choice for this reading is somewhat trite. To them, I just have to say, I don't give a damn, and you can bite me.”

Shepard let out a startled laugh as the asari held her head up in a cocky challenge.

“Hell yeah, girl. You tell 'em,” Jack called from somewhere behind Shepard.

“Thank you, Jack.” Liara gave Shepard a quick smile. “Anyway, I like it, and I think it's particularly appropriate here. So, without any more preamble, from William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116.

'Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken; it is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come; love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom . . .”

“Oh no, Liara!” Joker groaned.

The asari looked up from the book and planted a hand on her hip. “By the goddess, can't you behave yourself for five minutes?” Liara plucked a blossom out of the arrangement next to her and tossed it at him, bouncing it off his head.

“Well, then don't give them any ideas. These two take that stuff literally, and the rest of us have had enough doom to last us.”

Shepard looked at Joker over Garrus' shoulder, giving him a half-hearted glare.

He shrugged. “What? You do.”

Liara pinned the pilot with a pointed stare and threw another flower at him. “Jeff, shut up.”

Shepard looked to her groom and grinned.

Garrus just shrugged. “They're your friends.”

Shepard chuckled and squeezed his hand. She looked down at Lenka and gave the child a quick wink, swinging their joined hands a bit.

“May I finish?” Liara let out an exaggerated sigh. “‘If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.'” She closed the book and returned to Shepard's side.

“If I may have the rings,” Hackett asked, giving Lenka an encouraging smile.

Shepard released Lenka's hand and watched as the child stepped forward, holding up the small box, her expression solemn, her concentration adorably intense. Love and admiration welled up inside her. The child had come so far, fought back against the fear and despair of her past with such courage. She never ceased to be a revelation. Shepard looked up at Garrus, who was watching Lenka with an expression that mirrored what she'd been feeling. He watched her with wonder, as if not quite sure how he'd come to love her so intensely in such a short time.

“Thank you, Lenka.” The admiral smiled.

“You're welcome, Admiral Hackett,” Lenka replied, returning to her spot between them.

Shepard bent down and kissed the top of the child's head. “I luv yah,” she whispered.

Lenka beamed and gave Shepard a peck on the cheek. “I luv yah,” she whispered back.

Garrus caressed the child's cheek with the back of his talon and winked.

Hackett passed Shepard her father's ring. “Admiral?”

Shepard held it on the palm of her hand, suddenly feeling the presence of her father, mother and grandfather beside her. She smiled and nodded, turning her hand so that Garrus's laid in her palm. She placed the ring over the talon of his second finger and looked up into his eyes once again.

“I told you part of the history of this ring in a letter, but . . ..” She took a deep breath, fighting back against the lump in her throat so that she could speak. “I come from a long line of ministers: men and women of great faith. I also come from a long line of explorers and colonists, people who took their faith and their courage out to discover new lands. My great-grandfather six generations removed had this ring made for his son. He gave it to him at the dock just before he boarded a ship to immigrate to the colonies, which at the time was Canada. Three words were engraved on the band – Love, Loyalty, Selflessness. He told his son that those three things were all he ever needed to remember in order to live well.”

She smiled and looked down at the ring for a moment, memories swelling up inside her with a potency that she hadn't felt in a long time. “When I was a little girl, I used to climb up on my grandfather's lap and play with this ring, asking him to recount story after story about the men who'd worn it before him. When it became apparent that my parents weren't going to have a son to inherit it, he took it off one day and placed it in my hand. He took me by the shoulders and said, 'Jane, the Shepard legacy falls to you. It's one of courage and honour and living according to the wisdom steeped into this band over many years and many lives.'” Her stare returned to meet Garrus's eyes. “He said that I had a choice. I could keep the ring and pass it to my sons when the time came, or I could give it to my husband when I found someone to become what he called a son-of-the-spirit.”

She pushed it onto his finger as far as she could, the unyielding flesh of his talons not suited for wearing it. “My father's last act in this life was to press this ring into my hand, reminding me of the legacy from which I came, of the boundless courage and faith that they'd passed down to me.” She smiled and reached up to press her palm to his face. “I can feel them here, with us today, and I know that they believe I could not have chosen, nor been chosen by, anyone more worthy of that legacy. I know they would have loved you as a son, and given this ring to you themselves had they been able.”

She took a deep breath and gave a self conscious chuckle. “That was longer than I intended.”

Their assembled friends chuckled, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw most of them reaching for tissues.

“Garrus Vakarian, with this ring, I take you as my husband. Wear it always as a reminder of the depth of my love, respect, and devotion.”

Garrus leaned in as if to kiss her, but Joker cleared his throat behind him.

“Not yet,” the pilot muttered under his breath.

“Seriously?” Garrus straightened. “A man's supposed to be able to resist kissing the woman who just said all that?”

“It's the rules.”

“Well, the rules are stupid.”

His declaration incited a wave of laughter and cries of support from their friends.

Hackett chuckled and held out Shepard's ring. “Give her this, then you can kiss her.”

Garrus took the ring and held Shepard's hand in his. “Everyone and everything that means something to me is here, with me right now,” he said. “This ring didn't come passed down through generations, but was found a couple days ago searching through the ruins of London's shopping district.” He smiled. “It's appropriate, I suppose. A bit of beauty amidst the destruction, as you've been.” He placed it on her finger. “Liara, Steve, Dad and I had been searching for hours, and I was just about to give up. It was getting dark, and I wasn't happy with any of the rings we'd found. After I rejected what must have been the thirtieth ring, Steve told me that with the world the way it was, I couldn't afford to be picky. He said you'd love whatever ring I gave you.” He nodded and took a deep breath, his back straightening a little. “I knew he was right. You would accept and love whichever one I gave you, but right then I realized that my search was proving to be very much like my life.”

Shepard smiled and squeezed his hand.

“I was lost in the dark when you found me. I thought at first that you'd appeared merely to light my path, help me find a way around what I saw as obstacles set up to thwart me.” He chuckled. “Instead, you became the sun in my sky, illuminating an entirely new world and a new life.” He shrugged. “I've never been someone given to fanciful ideas, but hell if right then the clouds didn't break and the setting sun glinted off something in the shadows. I figured it was just a chunk of broken glass, but it was this ring.” He gently slid it onto her finger. “And it was perfect, exactly what I needed. Just like you.”

Garrus leaned in close, but made no move to break the rules. “Jane Elizabeth Shepard, with this ring, I take you as my wife. Wear it always, knowing that it's not just a symbol of our mating and our love, but of a life you saved when you appeared in it. Every time you look at it, know that the soul of the man who gave it to you is yours forever.”

Shepard squeezed his hands. Heart pounding, light-headed, her entire body ached to kiss him just as he'd wanted to kiss her moments before. She reached up, her ring catching the light as she touched her fingertips to the top plate of his mouth.

Liara let out a heavy, dreamy sigh. “By the Goddess, if you want to kiss him, go ahead. I won't stop you, rules or no,” she said. “Hell, I want to kiss him after that.”

The asari's uncharacteristic curse turned both Shepard and Garrus around to gawk at her, surprised. Liara just shrugged.

“As these two people have sworn vows and traded rings, pledging their lives to one another and the family they will build around them, I hereby declare that if none can show good cause why it should not be so, this marriage is sealed.” Hackett paused, but not long enough for an actual objection, then gave them a wide smile. “Using the power vested in me by the Earth Alliance, I hereby declare you husband and wife.” He grinned at Garrus. “You may now kiss your bride.”

Garrus stepped into Shepard, sweeping her up in his arms, lifting her feet off the ground as he pressed his mouth against her lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck and returned the kiss, her lips moving over his with joyful abandon, her tongue just teasing his. Her eyes closed as she lost herself in the moment, letting everything else in the universe dissolve and fade away but the scent and sound and feel of her husband’s body against hers, the rough plates of his mouth against her lips. 

Joker cleared his throat. “We’re getting old here, guys. I can actually feel gravity crushing the bones in my legs.”

Shepard felt Garrus’s mandible brush her face as he chuckled. He lowered her feet back to the ground. 

“Why did we invite him?” he whispered against her mouth.

Shepard kissed him and pulled back. “Because he’s that one crusty old uncle that you have to invite just so that he can ruin the party.” She reached up to caress his scars, smiling up into his eyes. 

He pressed his brow to hers. “I love you.”

“And I love you.” Shepard leaned into him, not wanting the moment to end.

Admiral Hackett cleared his throat. “Ladies and gentlemen, friends and loved ones, if you would, please stand,” he called out.

Shepard turned to face their friends, all the people who meant most to her in the galaxy, and smiled wide. Bending down, she kissed Lenka's cheek, then gave her a nod, sending her to Herros in the first row. Herros picked the child up, planting her on one hip.

“It gives me great pleasure to introduce for the first time, Mrs. Jane and Mr. Garrus Vakarian,” Hackett called, his hands coming up almost as if to thrust them out into their new life.

Shepard blushed hard and gripped Garrus’s hand as he led her between the rows of chairs. Grinning so wide that her cheeks hurt, she reached out, squeezing the hands that reached out to her as their friends cheered.

Garrus let out a sharp sigh and a laugh as they reached the end of the aisle. “So, according to human customs, we’re married now?”

She turned to face him, took his other hand. Beaming, she nodded and stared into his eyes. “Yep. It’s official, you're stuck with me, Mr. Vakarian.”

He stared right back. “And you with me, Mrs. Vakarian.”

“Good.” She wrapped her arm around his waist and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.

“Oh, that was perfect” Traynor called. “But, I need to get an official sort of picture.” She chuckled. “Shepard, in front a little.” She took Shepard’s hand and tugged on her. “Good. Now, Garrus, put your arms around her.”

Shepard laughed and sidled in against Garrus' right side. When he slipped his arms around her waist, she laid her hands over his.

“Now smile.” Traynor grinned and stepped off to the side. “Perfect. As you were.”


	56. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reception

**December 21, 2187**

Garrus’s heart stopped the moment he saw Shepard standing at the end of the aisle, and he didn’t recall feeling it move inside his chest again until Hackett said the words husband and wife. The outline of their _famila notas_ stood out in brilliant cobalt against her pale skin: she was a work of art, and he made no exaggeration when he told her that she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Always lovely, in those moments she radiated pure joy, stealing his breath as surely as she’d stolen his heart cycles before.

The ceremony etched itself in his memory like facets on a diamond, each moment preserved in crystal clarity and precious. When Hackett declared them husband and wife, something deep and solid settled inside him, but it took him a moment to recognize it for what is was, a foundation. He grinned as he felt roots take hold for the first time and swept his wife into his arms to kiss her. The usual self-consciousness that prickled the base of his spine when Shepard showed him affection in public stayed silent as her lips moved over his mouth, their tongues dancing along one another. She tasted of mint and the clean, iron tang of water from the high mountains, and he couldn’t get enough of kissing her. 

Their friends and loved ones followed them down the aisle then flowed over them in a wave of congratulations and love that swept them along before its leading edge, dropping them into seats under the tent set up a little further along the cliffs. Their chairs at the head table provided a spectacular view of the sun setting over the sea on his left and the lodge hunkering down in the evening shadows below to his right. 

If a more beautiful or spectacular location existed in the galaxy, Garrus hadn’t seen it, and he made a vow to bring them back every year, no matter what.

Leaning over, he pressed his hand against Mercy and nuzzled his wife’s cheek.

A soft, knowing smile curved her lips and made her eyes sparkle with gentle teasing. “What are you doing, mister?” Without waiting for an answer, she brushed kisses along his mandible.

He closed his eyes and savoured the soft touch of her lips; the sweet, spicy tang of the _rylamia_ in her hair; the gentle whisper of her breathing, building an oasis of peace around them that sealed the bustle of the party outside. 

“There you go again,” she whispered, smiling against his mouth.

He nodded. “I can’t help it, I’m addicted to my mate.”

She kissed him again, her smile widening as the ring of utensils against champagne glasses cheered them on.

As everyone found their tables and settled in, the food began to arrive, conversation fading in favour of making hedonistic sounds of bliss and trading bites. He’d been worried about the quality of the food for the dextros, but the lodge’s cook must have studied on Palaven because he’d never tasted anything as good as the food they’d been served over the past days. That evening, _drellak_ skewers covered his plate, the meat marinated in a savoury, spicy sauce and then wrapped in fine leaves to cook. Pieces of exotic, edible tubers hid in the spaces between the meat, having roasted drenched in the juices. Never one overly picky about his food, he still savoured every bite, knowing that it would be at least a year before he ate anything that tasted like that again.

Focusing on his food helped keep his worries about the _Cohamentum_ at bay. Despite his keen awareness that the dance’s ability to predict the viability of their marriage was superstition, it depressed him that what should be a moment of beauty or at least competency, would be an embarrassment. He tried to shake it off. It was selfish and vain, and Shepard had worked too hard to feel like she’d disappointed him.

“Too bad they don’t have any spider leg on the menu for you,” she whispered and giggled.

Chuckling, he made a low, rumbling moan with his second larynx. “Mmm, what this cook could have done with spider leg . . ..” Shaking his head, he rumbled again. “It would have been delicious.”

She winced and took a bite of her meal. “Mmm mmm mmm. Easily identifiable, non-disgusting tastiness.

He nuzzled just beneath her ear, flicking the soft skin with his tongue, and whispered, “That’s what I call this spot.”

“Oh, very sexy.” She laughed and shook her head. “You’re a hopeless case, Mr. Vakarian.”

“But I’m your hopeless case, Mrs. Vakarian.”

He held her stare, the love and devotion in that gaze striking him anew. How had it happened? How had she ever fallen in love with him? She’d surprised him the night before the battle on Earth, revealing that she’d thought their life all some last, dying glimpse into what could have been. Seeing how much she loved him--the C-Sec screw up, drunken vigilante who’d gotten his squad killed--he wondered if he wasn’t the one dying and grasping at ephemeral straws.

She reached up to brush his chin with her thumb. “Damn straight you are.”

Silver striking crystal rang through the cool evening air, swirling a little in the breeze that soared up from the sea. Obeying its call, he pushed everything else aside and kissed his wife. However it had happened, they were together now, for life.

In the space of a heartbeat love vanished into fear. A shock of electricity rocketed through him, frying his nerves like lightning sizzling along power lines. Closing his eyes, he struggled to will away the storm. Implacable, it rolled over him with the thunder of Reaper lasers and the mortal screams of the wounded.

_Not now. Dear spirits, not now. No, no, no._

“Garrus?” Her voice whispered from a hand’s width away, but it struggled to fight its way to him, muffled by the maelstrom of war. 

Against a nightmare of fire and explosions, she hit the ground and rolled, came up, her eyes focused on him, her face frozen in terror, screaming in denial as the tank drew a graceful, rolling arc through the air. Garrus looked up, unable to do anything but watch death come for him. Fire and pain . . ..

Cool, soft fingers blessed one cheek, stroking along his mandible as Shepard’s face pressed against his scars. “Garrus?” The fingers caressed the groove of his throat. “It’s okay. Shhh. I’ve got you.” Her arms wrapped around him, pulling him from the fire ever so gently. “It’s okay, my love. It’s okay, just breathe.”

A wavering breath drew in the scent of _rylamia_ , the honey sweet spiciness cutting through the stink of war, a scalpel excising a bad wound. Soft humming--Shepard’s mother’s song--brushed away the tumult and chaos of those moments charging for the Reaper beam. Another tremulous breath pulled back the conversations and the laughter, the clatter of silver against china, seabirds, the waves against the shore, shattering the last remnants of terror.

Opening his eyes, he whispered, “I’m all right. Just a little overwhelmed for a moment.”

Shepard pulled back, her brilliant green stare piercing straight through to the guts of him. A soft sigh brushed his chin, and she nodded, allowing him his lie. Still, worry clouded over the joy from moments before. He cursed it, offering her his best smile as proof.

“I’m fine.” He pressed his mouth to hers, grateful that her human senses wouldn’t pick up the undertones that trembled beneath his words, or taste the bitter copper of fear on his breath. The spells were hitting more frequently. He’d seen others go through similar episodes enough to know the problem by name, but he pushed it aside and focused on Shepard. They were there, they were alive, and it was their damned wedding.

Garrus pushed away the rest of his dinner and pulled his wife in against his side, watching her and Lenka eat, the child picking through the vegetables deciding which she liked and which she didn’t. As soon as she finished eating, Lenka climbed into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, cuddling against him.

He hugged her back. “Getting sleepy?”

She shook her head. “No. I want to dance with you and Mommy and Papa and Kaidan and Ami Sol.”

“That’s a lot of dancing,” he replied and chuckled.

She nodded and let out a long sigh. “I know.”

“I love you,” he whispered in her ear.

“I love you too, Daddy.” She kissed his cheek and cuddled back in. “I’m glad you’re my daddy.”

Garrus blinked a couple times and cleared his throat against the sudden pressure in his chest. “I’m glad that I’m your daddy too, pretty eyes.” He hugged her tight. “The day we found you on that ship was one of my very best days.”

Shepard slipped her arm around him and reached up to rub Lenka’s back. “She’s her daddy’s girl, that’s for sure.” She smiled and winked at the child.

A table away, Joker stood and banged his fork against his champagne glass. “All right, all right. Everyone shut up!” He paused and let out a dramatic sigh, and settled his cap down tighter on his head. “Well, I figured I should say something, since I’ve been here since the first. The good old days when when Shepard was this skinny lunatic who risked all our lives on a daily basis, laughing like a maniac while she did.”

“So, the good old days were last Tuesday?” Traynor asked.

Joker just shook his head. “Everyone thinks they’re a comedian.” He cleared his throat. “As I was saying . . . skinny lunatic . . . and Garrus had a stick shoved so far up his ass that it rattled against his back teeth when he walked.”

Shepard let out a single gasp of laughter before she lowered her head and covered her mouth in an attempt to hide her mirth. Her brows knit together and her shoulders shook for a moment before she got it under control. She rubbed the corner of her mouth with a finger and looked up at the pilot without lifting her head. Seeing the humour and happiness return to her eyes made Garrus light-headed for a moment, and he wished he had the power to keep it there forever.

He leaned down and whispered. “Who told him he was allowed to speak?”

Joker glared at Garrus. “I heard that, Vakarian.” He pointed the index finger of the hand holding his glass at them, moving it back and forth from him to Shepard and back. “Be quiet, I’m trying to say something inspiring and uplifting. Now, where was I?” His face scrunched up in a thoughtful scowl. “Ah, right . . . crazy Shepard and Garrus’s dental issues.”

The smartass expression eased into something sincere enough that Garrus straightened, listening.

“We’ve been through a lot over the years, and it’s been a hell of a run. We should have had our asses kicked a lot harder and a lot more often than we did, and I know the reason for that was the two of you, working together.” Joker cleared his throat and tugged at the collar of his tux. “So, I guess the galaxy can rest easy, knowing that you’ll always be together, ready to save the day.”

He raised his glass. “Here’s to the two best people I know. Thank you, congratulations, and even though I hope the bad guys give us a nice, easy sixty years or so, may you always be together just in case they decide to get rowdy.”

Beside him, Shepard chuckled and tilted her head, acknowledging his attempt at inspiring and uplifting. “Thank you, Joker . . . I think.”

As soon as Joker took his seat, Dr. Chakwas stood, surprising Garrus. Shepard let out a pleased, “Oh.”

The doctor smiled at them. “Like Jeff, I’ve been there from the beginning and had the privilege of witnessing some of the beautiful and terrible moments along the way.” Her smile turned pensive, and she gave a ladylike sigh. “Moments like having to shut the privacy blinds on the medbay because Mordin and I couldn’t concentrate on repairing Garrus’s face thanks to Shepard pacing like a dervish on the other side of the windows, then having to bring her food for the next two days because she refused to leave his side.” She paused and let out a long breath. “Their first moments with Lenka, the way Garrus held Shepard’s hand through the long hours after we pulled her off Palaven . . . helping start them on the way to having a family.” 

She raised her glass. “Congratulations. It’s been an honour. Here’s to the moments that brought us here today, and here’s to the moments to come. May there always be more good than bad, more filled with joy than sorrow, and may we all be together to share them.”

Garrus raised his glass in answer. It had been an honour. Shepard had made him part of a family, one he hadn’t always appreciated the way he should have.

Admiral Hackett stood, the gathering lurching into a respectful silence. He raised his glass. “May the next chapter of your lives bring peace, prosperity and joy. You’re both the very best of people and deserve every happiness.” He bowed his head a little. “To the bride and groom.”

“To the bride and groom,” their friends repeated, the air filling with the ring of crystal against crystal.

Shepard took a deep breath and stood. After a moment, she looked down and lifted a hand to caress his cheek and then Lenka’s. He saw her throat convulse, then she pressed her lips together, rubbing them as she struggled to get her emotions under control.

“I think,” she said at last, “that this is a good time to raise a glass to all those who carried us through to this moment, but are not here to share it with us.” She waited while everyone stood and lifted their champagne glasses, then took another shaky breath. “To the fallen. May their sacrifice remind us to never take what we have for granted, and may their voices always remain fresh and clear in our hearts.” She nodded to Kaidan.

“To Ashley Williams,” he called out.

“To Mordin Solus, lunatic genius,” Garrus said, laying his hand on Shepard’s stomach.

“To EDI,” Joker said, his voice soft and serious.

“Legion,” Tali added.

“Gregory Adams,” Dr. Chakwas said, swiping at her cheeks with her sleeve.

“Miranda Lawson,” Oriana and Jacob said together.

“Kelly Chambers,” Gabby said, her voice barely a whisper.

“Thane Krios, one badass monk,” Jack called out, surprising Garrus.

He saw Shepard glance at Hackett and nod. After a return nod, the Admiral raised his glass. “David Anderson.”

Shepard raised her glass. “Richard Jenkins and Nihlus Kryik.” She sniffed softly and rubbed her lips together again. “You are all heroes.” She paused as Lenka leaned across him to touch her shoulder. “What is it, baby?”

“James,” the child whispered.

A tear slipped from the outside corner of Shepard’s eye as she nodded, her lips trembling. “Yeah, and James.” She turned to face the party and lifted her glass again. “We miss you, and wish you were here. Wherever you are, we hope it’s filled with joy, and you’re at peace. Thank you for everything.” She stopped, her throat working.

“To the fallen,” Garrus said, and slipped his arm around her.

“To the fallen,” everyone repeated, their glasses clinking together once more.

Garrus and Lenka pulled Shepard into a tight hug, all three trading kisses. Garrus blinked back tears of his own as Lenka reached out to dry Shepard’s face. He was blessed.

They sat, people slowly beginning to talk and laugh again, trading stories about the loved ones left behind. 

Garrus watched Shepard. Her fingers slipped in behind one of the clusters of pearls at her left shoulder, her thumb rubbing small circles over something. Reaching across he laid his hand over hers and with a pointed look, asked what she was doing. She turned the material inside out, revealing the medal she’d been given that had been named for Admiral Anderson.

After a moment, she shrugged. “I just wanted him here.”

He nodded and leaned over to nuzzle her temple. “He’d be glad to see you getting on with making a life. He wanted a lot for you.” He chuckled in response to her quizzical frown. “He knew we were together.” He shrugged. “Men talk about stuff too. He said he was on the team that found you on Mindoir.”

Shepard smiled. “Yeah. I almost shot him between the eyes.”

“Soooooooo.” Joker stood as the lights in the tent dimmed a little. “Normally, at this time in the proceedings, the bride and groom dance the first dance. However, since it’s Shepard’s big day, and we wanted to save her the embarrassment, the crew decided to substitute the first dance with the traditional wedding dance of our human forefathers.” 

Most of the guests stood and walked to the dance floor, lining up in rows.

“What is this?” Garrus asked.

Shepard just shook her head and looked bewildered. “As far as I know, we don’t have a tradi . . ..”

The music started, cutting Shepard off. After a second, Garrus saw recognition set in and Shepard let out a high, bright laugh of sheer delight. 

“It’s the chicken dance!” She grabbed his hand and Lenka’s. “Come on. Joker’s right. You have to. It’s tradition.” When they stood, she led them both to the dance floor, taking positions in the front. “Just follow me. It goes pretty slow to start.”

Garrus watched her movements, then glanced around at everyone else. “This can’t be a real dance.”

“It’s fun, Daddy,” Lenka said, giggling as she wiggled her butt, then clapped her hands and jumped a quarter turn, her timing just a little behind everyone else.

“Ah hell, what’s dignity anyway?” Garrus grumbled and followed along. Although he hated to admit it, after a few seconds, he was having fun. Particularly once his father and Sol joined in, Kaidan teaching them the moves. Seeing his father laughing as he shook his backside and jumped around was something he’d carry with him forever.

Laughing and gasping for breath, as the song ended, Shepard pulled both he and Lenka into a hug.

“Humans are strange,” he teased, receiving a merry nod in return.

“Yep. We sure are.”

Sol made her way over to them. “You two ready?”

Shepard beat him to an answer. “Yep. Let’s get our _Cohamentum_ on.”

Sol shuddered and pressed a hand to Shepard’s cheek. “I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that.” She nuzzled Shepard’s brow and whispered something, then moved past, nodding to Admiral Hackett.

The Admiral stepped on the dance floor. “Clanspeople, friends, family, draw near.”

Garrus took Shepard’s hand and led her behind the admiral. He tried to shake off the dread. Maybe Shepard’s chicken dancing had relaxed her enough that she’d just let her body dance, and he could guide her through it.

Once the crew stood around the edge of the dance floor, Hackett spoke. “Becoming bond-mates is about more than seeing to one another’s daily needs, more than creating and raising children. It is about two people moving through life in balance with one another and their world.

“The _Cohamentum_ represents that balance, as the elements combine to create and sustain the universe in a harmonious cycle. The dance allows the bond-mates to demonstrate their ability to read one another, to anticipate, to empathize, to compensate for one another’s weaknesses, and then bring the harmony of the elements into their union.” He raised his hands. “Be still now, and bear witness.”

Garrus squeezed Shepard’s hand, finding her a lot more settled and relaxed than he’d expected. He leaned down to touch brows, then released her hand and crossed to the opposite side of the dance floor, facing away from her. As he waited for Sol to start the music, he realized that he’d tensed up worse than Shepard. Grumbling to himself, he shook out his shoulders and rolled his neck. “Just breathe, Vakarian. How badly can it go?”

The slow pulse of the drums announced the beginning of the dance, but he waited for the sonorous bass of the flutes before moving. Slow, ponderous, as if his body fought to break free of an impossible gravitational pull, he raised his arms, struggling to spread them far enough to catch the wind. Like a giant bird of prey, he moved across the dance floor, gaining momentum and fluidity as he danced, the wind grabbing hold of his outstretched wings and carrying him into the heavens.

Garrus always loved the wind element. It took him back to the boy who sat at the top of the escarpment above Cipritine, watching the raptors sail on the thermals overhead.

A gasp rose from their friends and family, but it wasn’t one of dismay or amusement. It sounded like delight. As he reached the center of the floor, he saw Shepard for the first time, the sight almost stopping him dead. She spun, her steps quick and light, feet sliding over the floor as her arms caught the wind with a grace that made him understand why everyone had gasped. She brought her hands up, pressing her palms to his as she joined him on the wind, their bodies soaring together.

They broke apart. He moved left while she curled around him to the right, her hands sliding over his waist and chest, clinging to him as he slipped his arm under her. His heart hammered against his carapace as his mate wrapped around him, then took his hands, spinning away just to return a moment later. She pressed her hands to his as he reeled back. Leaning into the move, she allowed him to first stretch her out, then manipulate her without a trace of tension. The absolute trust inherent in her relaxation struck deep, setting free a level of joy that sent him soaring. Lifting her in one arm, he spun, then leaped as the wind set fire to the earth.

The dance sped up, becoming frenetic, flames roaring and climbing, consuming everything in their path. Garrus grinned, losing himself in the dance, in the joy and celebration of the steps, in the beauty of his mate as she moved, flawless and bright, glowing like the sun. He noticed how she compensated for him. If he moved too short, she lengthened. If he intruded into her space, she pushed in closer, making a misstep something intimate and beautiful. She hadn’t just learned the dance, she’d absorbed its purpose into her spirit.

The rains began, quenching the flames, and they came together, bodies pressed tight, palms never losing contact, flowing as a unit in a way that made him realize why, after so many centuries, the archaic dance remained firmly entrenched in the bonding ritual. Outside of making love, he’d never experienced anything as intimate.

Shepard flowed like quicksilver, the stare that held his baring him all the way down to his soul. She anticipated his every breath, moving to not just match it, but add to it, taking the raw edges of his performance and transforming the age old tradition into something new and unique to them. 

The water from the rains flowed into the low places, seeping into the earth, feeding the ground and bringing forth new life. 

Tears flowed freely down his face as they wrapped around one another, every movement slow and intense, so deeply poignant that everything disappeared but his mate. He pressed his face into the curve of her neck, the eyes that watched them vanishing, the music fading to a whisper in the distance. The universe distilled down into a single vow. 

_Everything I am is yours._

Shepard’s body softened against his, the dance slowing further, life growing from the rejuvenated soil as she accepted everything he offered, opening herself to him in return, promising that she belonged to him as well. 

The dance ended, and they came to a stop, arms around one another, chests heaving, eyes closed, brows pressed together. She filled his senses, intoxicating him, and he said nothing, not even moving for fear of shattering the moment. Shepard’s open, panting lips brushed his cheek, the puffs of warm air sending tremors all the way through him. 

“Holy crap, that was hot,” Jack announced. “I think I need a little alone time.”

Traynor let out a shaky sigh of agreement. “I feel like I just got caught peeking in their window.”

“I know, it’s great, isn’t it? Damn, I need to learn that dance,” the biotic chuckled.

As he heard the crowd of their friends move away, Garrus pulled off his glove and lifted a hand to stroke Shepard’s hair, the short strands deepening the ache in his chest and behind his plates as they flowed around his talons like silk.

“I feel . . ..” Shepard’s whisper broke off with a shake of her head, and she pressed a kiss to the tender spot under his jaw.

Garrus nodded, understanding. They’d just made love with everyone they knew watching, and it had been beautiful and profound in a way he’d never imagined, even having seen the dance performed a good many times.

He pulled back far enough to look into her eyes. Mandibles spreading wide, he smiled and caressed her cheek with his thumb. “So much for not being able to dance.”

She nodded. “Your sister is actually a wizard and stole all the dancing ability on the planet for me.” She chuckled. “Although, at the party after the Collector Base, a wise man told me that it also has a lot to do with finding the right partner.”

Garrus pressed his mouth to her brow. “Sol was taught the same dance I was. The way you took my missed moments and transformed them. That was all you.”

She kissed him. “Do you think we passed muster?”

He laughed. “Yeah, I think we did okay.” He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight. “I think we did okay.”

“Mommy! Daddy! Your dance was so pretty.” Lenka trotted onto the dance floor, her little black polished shoes clattering across the wood.

Garrus swept the child up into his arms as the music started, gathering Shepard in against his other side. The three of them danced together for a few songs, then Kaidan came to collect Lenka, and Garrus lost Shepard to his father. He watched them for a moment before Sol grabbed him.

“Come on, Twig. I’ll save you from staring moon-eyed at her until Dad feels sorry for you and gives her back.”

Garrus laughed and brushed a knuckle along his sister’s mandible. “Thanks for helping Shepard with the _Cohamentum_ , Stretch. I don’t know how you did it, but . . ..” He just shook his head, not knowing quite how to put everything into words, just expressing them through his subvocals.

“You’re welcome, and how I did it was easy. I translated it into a language she understands. Shepard’s never had a chance to do all the things we have, Twig. She’s never had siblings to wrestle with or be forced into awkward dance pairings at family functions.” His sister grinned at him, bumping him with her shoulder. “Remember Ami Mira’s bonding? Spirits, you were gangly and awkward.”

He lowered his mandibles and brow. “You tripped over me. It’s not my fault we landed in the buffet.”

She chuckled. “You believe what you need to, Twig. Anyway, Shepard was just getting to all that stuff when the batarians took it away. All she’s known since is being alone and fighting. Give her time to learn all the rest. She will; she’s a quick study.”

Nodding, Garrus glanced over at Shepard. Something his father said prompted a soft, almost bashful smile to brush her face. He turned back as Solana chuckled. “What?”

She bobbed her head in a shrug, and her eyes shone above her smile. “I hope I find someone who makes me grin like an idiot one day, Twig. That’s all.”

He tipped his head toward Kaidan. “Might have already, no?”

She shrugged, again, but the sigh that escaped her made him grin. She elbowed him. “I’ve known him less than a month. Let’s not rush things. Besides, humans are weird. They all look sort of the same. I might end up taking the wrong one home.”

Chuckling, he spun her around. “Trust me, if he’s the one, you won’t lose him in a crowd.”

A couple minutes later, Herros returned Shepard to Garrus’s arms, and for the next hour they danced, sometimes with one another, but mostly with their guests. Shepard returned to him looking drawn around her eyes, so he gently guided her back to their seats to rest. He sat, but Admiral Hackett began talking to her, completely distracting her from actually getting off her feet for a few moments.

Garrus worried about her far more than he let her know. Since Pertexa, she hadn’t been eating enough and became tired more and more quickly. He’d asked Dr. Chakwas to find and stock Shepard’s favorite foods for the trip back to Palaven in the hope that she’d eat enough to keep herself from getting sick.

Admiral Hackett left to announce the beginning of the blessing ceremony, thankfully the last part of the bonding ritual. As amazing a day as it had been, he was ready to be alone with Shepard, to just be quiet and finish the parts of the bonding that took place only between the two of them. 

Turning in his seat, Garrus pressed his hands to Shepard’s belly then leaned in to touch his brow to his daughter. “Hello,” he whispered. No words existed to express everything he felt about getting to experience the miracle of his first born. He’d never guessed that it would affect him so profoundly, but since Shepard started to show, he hadn’t been able take his eyes and hands off her. She was a continually evolving wonder. As terrified as he was of all the normal things like dropping Mercy on her head and how safe she’d be on the _Normandy_ , he was excited to help bring her into the world. Of course, he remained certain that the vids on birth and nursing that Chakwas gave them were stolen out of Kenneth’s collection of horror vids.

Shepard stroked his neck and fringe. “Just checking in?” She chuckled when he nodded. “How much longer before it’s just the three of us?”

He wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her belly. “About an hour.”

She hummed low in her throat, then sighed. “That sounds like a very long time.”

Hackett began speaking, so Garrus stood, pulling his wife in tight against his side. 

“Well then, let’s get this moving.”

After forty minutes of receiving gifts from their friends that ranged from Shepard’s Mako driving manual from Kaidan to a full set of handknit baby clothes, blankets and towels from Traynor, Garrus stood and nodded to Hackett. 

“Clanspeople,” Hackett called out, “if you will form the bonding procession.”

Sol must have drilled the crew, because they moved to form a corridor from the tent to the door of the lodge. Garrus wrapped his arm around Shepard, guiding her between their crew, friends, and loved ones to a chorus of traditional turian blessings. 

When they reached the front door, their guests began to hoot, calling for him to throw the garter. His mandibles flicked hard as Shepard offered her leg, slowly, sexily revealing its length as he knelt on one knee, taking her foot in his hand. When the garter appeared, he reached up for it, but the consensus from the crowd demanded that he use his teeth,

He shook his head and grumbled. “Humans are so strange.” Still, he obeyed their instructions, nuzzling her calf and knee as he slipped her shoe off and leaned in. He hesitated for a second as he pressed his face to the inside of Shepard’s warm, soft thigh, just breathing her in. As much as she laughed and blushed with embarrassment, he could scent her eagerness to be alone.

He grabbed hold of the garter and slipped it down her leg, letting it hang from his teeth while he replaced her shoe and pulled down her skirt. “Gentlemen, here it comes.” He sent it flying over his shoulder, straight into Kaidan’s hands. The major turned a bright red, glanced around and then stuffed it into his pocket. 

Garrus grinned at Sol, who just shot him a murderous look, and when Shepard threw her flowers to the women, he was pretty sure he saw Sol bat them away. Liara ended up catching the bouquet, then just stared at it, seeming more confused than anything.

He wrapped his arm around Shepard. “Goodnight everyone,”

Sol, his father, Lenka and Joker awaited them at their bedroom door.

“Do you, the families of these two bond-mates declare this union to be sound?” Hackett asked.

“We do,” they answered. 

Garrus grinned and winked at Lenka when she answered as well. 

“Then I declare it done. May it stand strong before those who would threaten it, may it provide sustenance during times of scarcity, may it uplift you and nurture you through your trials, may it be fruitful to fill your lives with the joy of young, and may it hold throughout the seasons to provide comfort in your latter years. Blessings be upon you both.” He shook their hands, then headed downstairs.

Herros opened his mouth a couple of times, but ended up just embracing them, touching his brow to theirs before stepping back. 

Sol embraced them and nuzzled Shepard’s cheek. “Congratulations, you two.”

“Thank you, Sol,” he said, pressing his brow to his sister’s. “For everything.”

She nodded and turned to shoo Lenka into his arms.

He nuzzled the child’s cheek. “I love you, pretty eyes. Going to miss you until morning.” He pressed her tight against him, rubbing her back a little. 

“I love you too, Daddy.” She gave him a big kiss on his nose then giggled and reached over to grab Shepard around the neck. “And I love you, Mommy.” She kissed Shepard as Garrus eased her over into her mother’s arms. It was getting harder and harder for Shepard to hold her.

“Mmm, and I love you, baby.” Shepard kissed her. “You get your ami to bring you in if you need us.” She pecked Lenka’s cheek. “I luv yah.”

The child giggled and pecked her back. “I luv yah,”

A faster peck. “I luv yah.”

“I luv yah.”

Sol grabbed Lenka and threw the child over her arm. “All right, that’s enough of that.”

Lenka squealed and laughed, kicking as her _ami_ carried her off to the bath like a duffel. “I want lots of bubbles! Lots and lots of bubbles.”

Garrus squeezed his father’s hand. “Good night, Dad.”

Herros nodded. “Good night.”

Garrus opened their bedroom door and ushered Shepard through, letting out a long sigh as he closed it behind them, leaning against it. “Alone, at last.”


	57. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah the peaceful intimacy at the end of the day.

**December 21, 2187**

Garrus lit the lamps on either side of the bed, a golden light warming the room, glowing softly off the antiques and flocked wallpaper. He watched as Shepard hugged herself and walked over to the french doors. She pushed them open and stepped out onto the balcony. The sheer, white lace curtains blew into the room, dancing on the breeze.

He followed her, stopping a few feet from the door as he caught sight of her leaning against the railing, her face turned up to the moon. Its silver-blue light gleamed off her skin and made the pale cream silk of her dress glimmer.

His tiny, fierce goddess. Spirits, she was beautiful.

“You going to let me finish getting your clothes off?” he asked, stepping up behind her. The backs of his talons slipped over the smooth skin of her back, a gesture that she rewarded with gooseflesh and a soft chuckle.

“I was just listening to the party.” She took a step back to press against him, laying her hands over his when he wrapped his arms around her. “The past two days have been the most beautiful of my life.”

“Mine too.” He pulled back. “Come with me, wife. We’ve got work to do.”

A soft laugh greeted his demand, and she turned in his arms, tilting her head up to look into his eyes. She reached up to caress the top plate of his mouth with her fingertips. “Are we delving into the super secret stuff?”

He leaned down to press his brow to hers and closed his eyes. “We are. Well, at least once I finish with your _famila notas_.” Pulling back, he slipped his hands over the delicate material covering her arms to take her hands. Backing into the room, he watched the silver halo of moonlight on her hair transform to gold-copper in the lamp light.

Her eyes never left his. Her fingers reached for the chains holding his bonding robe closed, but he grasped them, stopping her, and pressed them against his chest. He took the fine shell-chain holding her robe closed between his thumb and first talon.

“These,” he said, unclipping one side, “we remove and save for a little later.” He undid them both and placed them on the bed.

“Oh? More good secret stuff?” She laughed softly as she removed the two from his robe and set them next to hers. The ones from his robe were finer, more delicate. 

He lifted her bonding robe off and hung it up, hanging his over top of it. 

She stroked his neck. “Now what?”

He reached around her and unzipped her dress. “As gorgeous as you are in this dress, we need to get you out of it.”

They undressed one another, taking their time, pausing to caress and kiss. Time ceased to have any meaning, a stillness settled over the room as if for those moments, the universe held its breath and averted its gaze.

Once she stood before him, naked, pale skin glowing in the light, Garrus took her hands, intending to lead her over to the fire. Mercy’s head poked out along the side of Shepard’s stomach, distracting him, then an elbow ran along the front a couple of inches. He smiled and crouched to nuzzle the spot above his daughter’s head. 

“She’s on the move in there.” He laid his cheek against Shepard, chuckling as Mercy shifted. “It really doesn’t hurt when she does that?”

Shepard grinned. “Depends. The worst is when I’ve just eaten and she head butts my stomach, or I have to pee and she kicks me in the bladder. Most of the time though, I love it when she’s moving around. She’s going to be a fighter.”

Garrus stood and led her over to the fire. “Are you warm enough?” He helped her sit on the short stool, then grabbed the afghan from the foot of the bed and draped it over her shoulders before she could even answer.

“Thank you, my love. I love the breeze coming in, but it’s chilly.” She hugged the blanket around her as he settled across from her. It fell open when she leaned forward.

“I’ve never done this before.” He chuckled as he sat across the table from her and stirred the ink. “If you end up with blue splotches everywhere, I’m sorry.” Despite the joking, his hands trembled. With her pale skin, one slip would show for a year. She’d shown tremendous generosity, love, and courage in displaying the markings. He wanted to honour that.

Shepard reached out, laying her hands over his. “I have every faith in the steadiness of your hands.” She pulled the one without the ink-laden brush across and kissed it, before releasing it. “And if you make squiggles, we’ll call it an original Vakarian, and you can sign it.”

He grinned, his hands steadying. How did she do that? Make everything better with a single sentence? He leaned in, taking her chin in his free hand and began. As he worked, he felt her gaze like the sun shining on his face. Her eyes never left him, watching him with the same intensity that had drawn him to her in the first place. On the first _Normandy_ , she used to come down into the cargo bay after trashing the Mako on a mission, and help him put it back together. She never said a whole lot, mostly just asking about his life or making encouraging sounds to keep him talking. Still, the whole time she watched him as if she had nowhere else to be, as if he were the only person in the galaxy, and what he had to say was the most interesting thing she’d ever heard.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked when he paused to saturate the bristles. Those green eyes flashed, a gentle smile curving her lips. 

He frowned, realizing something in a way he’d never really thought of before. Despite the circumstances under which they’d met, all the fighting and death, all the terrible decisions and actions she’d been forced to take, Shepard was the most gentle soul he’d ever met. Her eyebrows rose, stepping up her question.

He shrugged. “I was thinking about when you used to come down into the cargo bay to help me with the Mako.”

She smiled and nodded. “I loved to listen to you talk. It helped me keep my sanity. Some days it seemed like everybody needed a piece of me, but then I’d go down there, climb under or into that beast, and I didn’t need to be anyone or anything for a while.” She pressed her hand to his scars. “You’ve always been my safe harbour.”

He turned his head to nuzzle her palm, closing his eyes for a moment. “I was so in love with you by the time we hit Virmire. After Ashley died, I walked to the elevator twenty or so times, always talking myself out of pressing the button to go up to your quarters.”

Shepard smiled. “I wish you had, not that it matters now, but I probably would have ended up kissing you if you’d shown up.” She caressed his cheek with her thumb. 

“I thought Kaidan was with you,” he admitted. “Didn’t want to interrupt.”

“No.” She pulled her hand back. “He was going through his own stuff. I just curled up on my bed and waited it out.”

Garrus leaned in, turning her head to work on the side of her face. “It’s probably for the best. I don’t know if it would have been better or worse to lose you for those two years after having been with you.” He let out a long breath. “Thoughts best left to be examined another time.”

She laid her hand on his arm, her palm warming him through the tough layer of cartilage plating that covered the muscle and bone beneath that. 

He finished twenty minutes later, then sat back and admired his work. Nice, clean markings gleamed deep cobalt across the field of freckles. He’d rarely seen humans with any sort of marking or tattoo on their faces, but his _famila notas_ looked wonderful, accentuating the lines of her face.

“So, now I immediately touch my face and smoosh it into everything?” She chuckled when he rolled his eyes.

“Sure, if you don’t mind having blue everywhere for the better part of a year.” He stood and took the utensils into the bathroom, cleaning them then wiping out the sink. When he returned to the bedroom, she was still sitting on her stool, legs crossed in front of her. Even after nearly five years, she still surprised him. One moment she could be the embodiment of patience, the next nearly coming out of her skin she was so eager to get moving. 

He picked up the vial of oil on his way past as well as the chains off the end of the bed.

“Oh,” she said, leaning on the table, “some of the secret stuff.” 

Garrus sat back on his stool. “Yes, super secret mystery stuff.” Shaking his head, he chuckled. “Most people are not aware, because we wear gloves and long sleeves all the time, that bonded turians wear a token of their bond-mate, just as humans do with their rings.” 

Shepard smiled. “Oh.”

Garrus shook the bottle of oil with the crushed herbs added to it, then took out the stopper. Using a funnel with a fine filter, he poured the oil into the mortar bowl, waiting for it to seep down through. 

“Sooooo, Mr. Mystery, what are we doing with this oil?” Shepard’s stare practically snapped with teasing sparks. She ran her bottom lip between her teeth. He loved that shy little tell. “Is it sexy?”

He chuckled and plucked the filter out of the funnel, squeezing the last of the oil from it before setting it aside. Lifting the finer chains, he set them in the bowl of oil, then nodded to her to follow his example. When she did, her fingertips dipped into the oil. She pulled back, looking for a place to wipe it off, but he snagged her hand.

Smiling, he smoothed the oil down her fingers, rubbing them lightly until it absorbed. He held her hand, thumb running across her knuckles. “Yes, it’s sexy.” He positioned her arm so that her elbow sat on the table, her hand pointing toward the ceiling. Withdrawing one of the finer chains, he wrapped it around her wrist twice, then clasped it.

Shepard cocked her head, watching rivulets of oil run down her forearm. “Is there a turian tradition that says how far down the oil runs predicts the longevity of our bond?” 

He tried to keep the smile off his face. “No.” He let out a long breath. “But I can see why you might think so. We really are mired in our traditions.”

All the humour drained from Shepard’s face. “Not at all. I love it. Your people have this great sense of history, and they’re all so tied together.” She shrugged, just a little, self-conscious twitch to dismiss her next words as meaning nothing. If only she knew that just made him pay more attention. “It appeals to the lonely girl who lived alone in a one room flat for two years waiting for the past to fade and her future to arrive.”

Reaching out, he caught the drips of oil before they hit the table, caressing them back up her arm. Once the sheen on her skin faded to matte, he took her other hand and set it the same way, wrapping the chain around her other wrist and clasping it. A couple of times he almost opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself. Shepard had more to say. She just needed time to say it. He massaged the drips into her skin, the oil’s fragrance starting to fill the air.

“Mmm,” she hummed, closing her eyes and inhaling. “So, our relationship smells like mint, rylamia, cloves, ginger and . . ..” She inhaled again, her brow furrowing. “What is that? I feel like I should know, but I can’t place it.” 

“It’s maruchet.” He smiled and lifted her hand to his mouth, nuzzling her knuckles. “It grows on the bark of trees on Palaven. You would have been lying on it in your tree shelter.” 

Smiling, she set his arm upright, balanced on his elbow before fishing out the first chain. She needed to lean up on her knees a little to reach his wrist as she wrapped the chain around and clasped it. Tilting her head, she watched the drips of oil roll over the plate that encased most of his forearm.

“I rebelled against my parents starting when I hit fifteen. Probably a late bloomer compared to everyone else, but we were so close-knit, and our world so small, that it didn’t occur to me to test out any other way of life.” She caught one drip and traced it up over the small spikes on the outside of his arm. Tilting her head, she seemed to be watching the firelight reflecting off his hide. 

The low, golden light and the heady fragrance from the herb mixture cast a spell over the room, slowing time. She rubbed the oil into his arm, watching her fingers slip over his skin, her touch and the fascination in her gaze weaving the spell tighter until he held his breath, aching for her next words.

“One day, a group of kids came from the main colony. Sometimes they drove out to watch the freaks in their odd, plain clothes till their fields with horses and ancient farm equipment. On that day, I was on my way home from our neighbours with some cucumbers and carrots for pickling.” She chuckled. “God, I hated pickling. I wanted to be out doing just about anything else. I felt like God had made me a girl as some sort of obscure punishment for something. Only punishment for sin could explain pickling and canning duties.”

Fine, graceful fingers dipped back into the oil to remove the second chain, and he lifted his arm into position, feeling as he had during the Cohamentum, as if they were two parts of the same being, moving in tandem. She wrapped the linked shell around the tough flesh of his arm and did up the clasp then sat back to watch the drips make their way down the contours.

“The teenagers that day set down in the middle of our little cluster of houses and jumped out, hooting and hollering. Strange, how they never came in and just said hello and talked. They always came in like they were trying to spook the herd.” A soft laugh accompanied a tilt of her head. “Maybe if they knew they couldn’t bully or upset us, they might have just behaved like people. Who knows.”

She waited until the leader in the race between drips had just about reached the table before she caught it and swooped it back up. “Anyway, they jumped out of their skycar hollering and whooping like idiots, and came running at me. I just cocked an eyebrow at them and kept walking. They made fun of my dress and shoes, tugged at the braids in my hair . . . juvenile stuff. One boy, however, hung back at the car, looking uncomfortable with his friends’ antics.”

Her head tilted the other way. “Well, as I continued to politely ask his colleagues to leave me alone, the loudest of the lot tried to lift my skirt. When I jerked it out of his hand, he slapped me, and I fell. His quiet comrade had him on the ground with a bloody nose before I could even get up.” She stopped rubbing in the oil and just grasped his talons in hers.

“His name was Troy. He helped me up, walked me home, and explained my black eye to my mother. Troy introduced me to an entire universe that I’d always known was out there, but had never really comprehended. How do you understand vids when your entertainment is sitting around the fire singing, playing games, or having contests to see who can come up with the most outrageous tall tale?”

Garrus watched the expressions on her face shift, almost like a vid, as if he looked close   
enough, he’d be able to see the memories projected over her features. She pulled his hands to her face, pressing kisses to the back of each talon.

“I started to sneak out at night. As soon as my father came up to kiss me goodnight, I’d go out my window. Troy picked me up in the ravine behind the house and took me to the main colony. He helped me get ‘real clothes’.” She chuckled. “God, they were ugly, but they let me fit in, at least a little. We went to clubs and theatres. He introduced me to the wonder of the extranet and foreign food.” She cocked an eyebrow at him and grinned. “Not made with testicles.”

Garrus chuckled and squeezed her hands. He released them and stood, moving his stool over to the far side of the room, and sliding the table over to the footboard of the bed. He moved silently, trying not to intrude upon her story, but if he didn’t get her off that stool soon, he might not. After adding wood to the fire, he helped her stand, pulling her into his arms.

Shepard slipped her arms around him and laid her head against his chest. He nuzzled the top of her head and rumbled a soft sound through his second larynx, encouraging her to keep talking.

“I got away with it for a year. Then one night, we fell asleep staring up at the stars and I crept back in my room just before sunrise to find my father sitting on my bed looking a hundred years old. He grounded me, but the worst punishment was the expression of utter disappointment on his face. It said, ‘I raised you to be better than this, Jane Elizabeth Shepard’.” Her thumbs caressed Garrus’s sides, just above his hips, and he could almost feel her smile as an involuntary rumble started deep in his throat. He pulled back before she could reduce his limbs to jelly, and spread an old quilt on the floor, then threw down pillows.

Garrus lowered himself to the floor, sitting cross-legged. Padding his lap with a pillow, he held his hands out for Shepard’s, helping her sit on his legs as she had the night before. Once she was settled, he leaned in, pressing his brow to hers.

He saw Shepard’s eyes slip closed and allowed his to do the same. Their hands tangled into a pile of digits on top of the rise of her belly, the sweet, tangy scent of the oil warming with the heat from the fire. Shepard shrugged the blanket from her shoulders.

“In the more than a year I knew Troy, I rehearsed what I’d say to my father a thousand times. All the standard lines about how I wasn’t a child any longer, how I had to know about the normal universe eventually, about how I’d just die if he forbade me to see Troy again.” She moved against him, brushing her skin against his, her knees tightening ever so gently against his sides. “My father’s reaction was a testament to how well he knew me. He just shook his head and said that he thought I was made of stronger stuff, that I was better than lying and sneaking around.”

“That day, I crept out even though I was grounded, even though I had disappointed my father. I was sixteen, and utterly, insanely, madly in love, but I’d let my father down, so I went to tell Troy that I couldn’t sneak out any more.” She leaned into him, tugging his hands closer to her, pressing them between her breasts. “That was the day the batarians came.”

Her eyes opened, and she leaned back a little to stare into his. “I thought I’d lost everything that day. I just disappeared from the world. At sixteen, I was old enough to be emancipated, so I stayed inside my little apartment and educated myself. The day I turned eighteen, I walked up to the man under the big recruiting poster and told him to sign me up.” Leaning back in, she kissed him, her lips soft and moist as they moved over his mouth.

“I love all the traditions for the same reason that I love these markings on my face, Garrus Vakarian. They make me a part of something precious and beautiful. The Alliance gave me a place in the universe as a part of something grand and important, but I was still alone. You have given me a place in a family and taken that aloneness away.”

She reached up, slipping her hands under his fringe to press warm and gentle against his neck. “Thank you for that.”

“You never have to be alone again.” Garrus nuzzled her lips before picking up the little satchel of wrung out herbs and tossed it into the coals of the fire. They began to smoke, filling the air with an earthy, pungent scent.

“So, you wanted to know what the oil is for?” He dipped his talons into it and rubbed his hands together. He brushed his thumbs across her brow, massaging it and her temples gently. Avoiding her new markings, he stroked and kneaded his way down her neck to her shoulders.

“Oh, this is good secret stuff.” She grinned and kissed him again, then dipped her fingers in the oil. “It’s okay if I do it back?”

He chuckled and nodded. “It’s recommended, in fact.” He closed his eyes as she ran a finger down his nose, then both fingers swept up over the plates on his brow. As she worked the oil into his fringe, she pressed her cheek to his, teasing just under his jaw with her lips and tongue. 

He moaned, low and deep, the tone laden with sub-vocals that expressed everything his tongue always seemed to trip over. Soft kisses travelled along his mandible to his mouth as she slicked her hands up again and kneaded her way down his neck.

Eyes remaining closed, he explored her shoulders, enjoying the way the points of her joints stuck up through her oil-slicked skin and the tactile delight of the smooth, hard sweep of her collarbones. The weight she’d lost with the pregnancy had stripped away the softness between her breastbone and the skin, creating an abrupt transition between hard bone and the supple, fullness of her breasts. He dipped his talons into the oil again, then took his time and gave in to his infatuation with that delicious contrast.

Nearly three cycles before, breasts had been a foreign concept. He’d heard other turians discussing adjusting to them and enjoying them, but considering that he chased away females of his own species, he figured his odds of ever having sex with a human or asari remained infinitesimal, so didn’t worry about it. His appreciation began simply because she enjoyed having them touched. It didn’t take him long to figure out how to make her call out using the entire human vocal spectrum. 

He ran the pad of his thumb talons over the nipples, teasing and tugging them until she pressed her mouth against his neck, panting.

“I want you inside me,” she whispered. “Can we in this position?”

Pulling back far enough to meet her eyes, he nodded. “It’s the traditional bonding position for a reason.” He brushed his mouth against hers and slipped a hand under her, lifting her just enough to slide out the pillow. “Lean back against my arms.” He wrapped his arms around her, supporting her as she relaxed back, cradled by his body. 

For long moments, he just stared at her, his gaze following the lines of her, so different than they had been, but as beautiful as they were new. His hands trembled and his chest ached, as under the love and desire, a frigid blue shard of fear embedded itself like a sliver under the cuticle of a talon. It worked its way into his bloodstream, until it reached his heart and lodged itself in the muscle. The chill spread, bringing with it the thunder of war, the fire and destruction . . .. 

“Garrus?” Her hands caressed his shoulders, then pressed to his face. “Just look into my eyes. See only me. Feel only me.” She smiled and brushed her thumbs over the upper plate of his mouth, pulling him back. He stared into her eyes, surrendering to the warmth he saw there and slipped free of his plates.

She let out a shuddering moan of pleasure, her body rising and falling like a wave as he entered her. Arching her pelvis, she moved against him a few times before sitting up and returning her fingers to the oil. Firm, flat-handed strokes smoothed the oil over his cowl, Shepard rising up, pushing against him to reach further back, but never allowing him to escape. 

Moving together without feeling any need for haste or words, they massaged the oil into one another’s bodies. When the bowl was dry, Garrus wrapped his arms around her once more, and, pressing his face into her neck, teased with his tongue and teeth. She clung to his shoulders, head hanging back, her entire being open to him without the slightest reservation. 

When she came, breathless and glowing, she clasped his face between her hands and pressed her brow to his. Mouth open and gasping, lips moist against the plates of his mouth, she whispered, “You’re the air I breathe, Garrus Vakarian,” she whispered. “Never forget that.”

All thought vanished from his head at those words, disappearing into a squall of emotion, need, and sensation. Sweat trickled over the parts of his body not covered in plating. He watched it drip onto her skin and roll off, focusing on that single detail as the rest of the universe disappeared. As he neared his climax, the storm swept even that away, scattering everything before it as he thrust a last few times, then pulled his mate in hard against him. A single tooth sank into the base of her throat, and the storm began to ebb.

He nuzzled his face into her neck, his subvocals thrumming. She caressed his neck, the rhythmic motion binding him more tightly in her spell with every passing moment. Eventually, his legs began to complain, and he eased them out of the position so they lay stretched out, leaning against a soft bank of pillows. He pulled Shepard’s blanket over them both, and gathered her in against him.

She cuddled into his arms, her eyes staring into his, silent and waiting.

He closed his eyes, resting his brow against hers, his mandibles flicking in a smile as his daughter bumped and kicked at his belly. His daughter. A strong, fierce need to protect swelled within his chest, eventually tightening his throat. They lived in a dangerous galaxy, filled with millions of reasons to avoid having children. He’d seen so many lives end too early.

He made it all the way through the first sentence before he realized that he was speaking the words out loud. “I’d been on Omega for a couple of months, spending my time familiarizing myself with the station, learning the biology of the place while I tried to find a decent base, when I heard that a human child had gone missing.” He shifted against Shepard, just needing to feel the friction of her skin.

“Children went missing all the time, but for some reason, this particular missing child caught Aria’s attention. She sent a squad into vorcha territory to search. I followed, hanging back a little. Aria’s people fought their way through a couple of attacks, but a few hours in, they stopped, deciding that with the amount of time that had passed, it wasn’t worth their hides to continue on for a dead girl.” He remained still, but relaxed as he spoke, his eyes closed, the images from his memory faint and dreamlike as they passed through his mind.

Shepard tilted her head to brush the tip of her nose against his, but said nothing. Her arm rested inside his cowl, her fingers rubbing slow circles on his neck.

“I kept going and found the child. She’d been dead for hours.” He swallowed against those words. “The firefight to get her away from the vorcha was brutal. I took a bullet in the thigh. Still, I drove them off, picked her up and carried her out.” His brow kissed hers. “I used my medi-gel, but started getting weaker before I made it out of vorcha territory. I could hear them tracking me, and tried to push through but eventually had to rest.”

Cool, soothing fingertips brushed his cheekbone and down the length of his mandible, but other than that, Shepard held herself so still that he had to concentrate to feel the slight brush of her breasts against his plates as she breathed.

“I found a decent, defensible position, and set myself to take as many out as possible.” He let out a soft chuff. “That sounds familiar.”

His wife gave him a soft kiss, and hummed gently in agreement.

“I’d taken enough of the vorcha out to make them cautious, but it didn’t last long. I was pissed off, because I’d just started my work and was going to get taken out by vorcha. Then this human ran past me throwing grenades and blasting the vorcha with his shotgun. He picked up the little girl and between the two of us, we fought our way out. He dragged me back to his apartment. His wife, Nalah patched me up, and the next thing I knew, I had a partner. Caleb Butler.”

“Sounds like a good man,” Shepard offered.

Garrus nodded. “The best. It was his daughter that we brought out. Blood Pack took her off the street because Butler refused to pay protection.” He rested a hand over Mercy, his heart freezing again. 

“We’ll keep them safe the best we can, Garrus, and we’ll love them every minute. It’s all any parent has ever been able to do.” Leaning up on her elbow, she stared into his eyes. “Thank you.” She kissed him.

He returned her kiss, knowing that her thanks was for opening up to her. He reached up and ran his talons through her hair. “I love you, wife.”

She grinned and hugged him tight, laying her head in the angle of his shoulder. “I love you, husband.”


	58. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A last few moments before returning to normality

**December 22, 2187**

A barbed hook of fear snagged Shepard’s heart and yanked her from the warm, deep waters of sleep. She bolted upright, the mattress bouncing a little under her as her head snapped around, scanning the corners and shadows, seeking a reason for having been torn from her dreams. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the faint, red glow from the fireplace, and another to orient herself in the alien darkness. The room stood empty and still.

_“Necon.”_

Beside her, Garrus muttered and set the bed bouncing hard. Looking down, Shepard watched him curl in a violent spasm, fighting in his dreams. 

Shepard sighed and lay back down, turning on her side to face him. “Garrus,” she whispered. “Garrus, love.” She caressed his face, but he snatched at her arm, throwing it away from him. A sharp breath hissed between her teeth as his thumb talon slid along the tender groove of flesh just beyond her wrist, parting the skin.

He thrashed again, feet kicking, arms clawing in long, desperate strokes, crawling through whatever nightmare-scape haunted his dream. _“Necor elinus min. Tollat min vosun apu.”_ The words came out clear, chased by a subvocal trill of helplessness. _“Necor elinas minru unichin, Shepard.”_

Rolling onto her back, Shepard dodged a swipe of his talons. “Garrus,” she called, her voice gripping tight to its soothing tone, but ramping up the volume, needing to wake him before his talons did some real damage. She snagged his hand as it flailed toward her again, gripping it tight between both of hers. “Garrus, wake up. It’s just a nightmare, love.”

Her words sliced through the cord tying him to the night terror. He surfaced fighting, his breathing rapid, sweat trickling down his neck. Talons gripped her fingers, tugging at the lifeline of her touch. He turned to look at her, pale eyes almost white in the weak light, pupils constricted. 

Shepard held her breath, wincing at the sharp pressure digging into the web of skin between her thumb and index finger. Releasing the breath, Shepard grunted, the talon cutting into her with a sensation remarkably like fabric tearing. She held her husband’s gaze, willing her touch to register through the lingering numbness and desolate terror she saw staring back at her.

_“Necor elinus min,”_ he whispered, his pupils widening at last to compensate for the darkness. 

“I’m right here, Garrus.” She pressed his hand over her heart, working the one he’d impaled out of his grip. “You were having a nightmare.”

Reason returned, his entire body relaxing. He moved to lie down, then froze. After another breath, he rolled up onto his knees, hands flitting over her. 

“Where is it?” he demanded, his voice tight.

“It’s okay,” she replied, “I just got a couple of nicks.”

Garrus cradled her hand in his, the pad of his first talon circling the mark in the web of her hand. “That’s not enough blood. I smell more than that, Shepard.” He turned her hand over, a low, moan trembling from his mouth at the dark crease up her arm. “I did this?” He released her and swung out of bed, heading to his pack.

“You were having a nightmare, Garrus. They’re superficial. Nothing worth fussing over. I’ll just go wash them off and they’ll be fine.” Shepard slid her legs off the side of the bed and stood, heading in to use the washroom. Pausing at the sink on the way back, she let the water sluice over the two small wounds. The one on her wrist needed medi-gel, but the other already sported a decent scab.

Garrus came in and took her by the shoulders, gently sitting her on the side of the tub. She squawked and jumped up, giving him a reassuring smile when he grabbed her, his face tight with worry.

“What? Are you all right?”

She grabbed a towel and laid it over the side of the tub. “Yes, fine, my love. It was just really cold on my backside.” Reaching up, she took his face between her hands. “I’m fine, Garrus.” A prickling itch like the sting of nettles drew her attention to her left calf. She leaned down to scratch it, then stopped, seeing a small, dark puddle next to her foot. 

Garrus must have seen it as well. A rumbling curse preceded the bathroom light blinding her. She squeezed her eyes shut against the sudden brightness, opening one a crack as her husband knelt in front of her, lifting her foot to rest on his thigh. A fairly deep, four centimetre long, half centimetre wide furrow oozed blood just above her ankle. Now she knew what woke her up.

“This one isn’t so superficial, Shepard,” he said. Cleaning the blood away with an antiseptic wipe, he grumbled to himself about what constituted a superficial wound. 

Shepard chuckled. “Some things never change. You never could let me get away with the ‘it’s just superficial’ excuse.”

“Your idea of superficial and mine have never quite lined up,” he grumbled, but his shoulders relaxed. After applying a thick layer of medi-gel, he covered it with a dressing, then turned his attention to her wrist.

Shepard watched him fuss, caressing his face and fringe with loving fingers. “What was the nightmare about, Garrus?” she asked, her voice soft, but neutral. If she let any trace of sympathy creep in, she knew her proud husband would snap closed like a clam that no amount of prying could open.

Dismissing the question, he shook his head. “The usual, Shepard. Nothing to worry about. We’re both here, both fine.” A rumbling sigh followed the last. “Well, other than one of us being raked by talons.” He looked up. “I’m going to take the edges off.” Reaching up to cradle her cheek in his hand, he pressed his thumb over her lips, stilling her protest before she could do much more than inhale. “It doesn’t matter. Everyone outside our bedroom sees me in gloves anyway, and I can’t let this happen every time I get restless in my sleep.”

She kissed his thumb and leaned into his hand. “I know that no one other than the two of us would know, but . . ..” Sighing softly, the breath whistling a little, she leaned forward and kissed his brow. “I don’t want to . . ..” Grumbling under her breath, she struggled for the words to explain the vague ache in the pit of her belly that tangled around the idea of him blunting his talons so that he didn’t hurt her.

“I don’t ever want me, or us, to take anything away from you,” she said at last, still not feeling that she’d stated it properly.

Finished with her wrist, he lifted her hand to his face. “I have never begrudged you anything, Shepard. I don’t see this as giving something up.” His sub-vocals purred at the bottom register of her ability to hear them, as he too, struggled for words. “I see this as taking care of my family, and this . . .” He held up her bandaged wrist. “. . . is not acceptable.” His hand shifted to press against his daughter. “What if next time, it’s Mercy?”

Giving his head a firm shake, he stood then helped her up, gathering her in against his side. “We have a couple hours left to get some sleep before the world intrudes.”

She climbed in his side of the bed, wriggling over to fit herself along his length when he joined her. They kissed, soft and slow, until they dozed off, faces pressed together, still sharing breath as the black, diamond-specked sky outside their room turned navy, then steel grey. 

The next time Shepard woke, she broke the surface stretching and languorous rather than being yanked out. Garrus snored softly next to her, prompting a smile. She kissed his nose, then rolled over onto her back, stretching with grumbled oaths of pleasure. Mercy bade her a good morning with a few wriggles and stretches.

“Good morning, baby,” Shepard whispered, laying her hands over her daughter. “It’s back to work today.” A sigh of regret slipped past her control. “But first, what if we get dressed and go for a walk down to the sea?” After checking to make sure that Garrus remained asleep, Shepard slipped out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom, pausing to grab her clothes from the bureau.

As she slid the drawer shut, Shepard found herself smiling and whispered, “Just think, baby, six months from now, we’ll be settling into our own home. You’ll be out here with the rest of us.” Throat tightening at the thought, she let out a soft sigh. She hadn’t lived in a proper home for half her life, although the _Normandy_ came darned close.

Dressed, Shepard left a note in her spot on the bed for when Garrus woke, then tiptoed from the lodge and set out across the lawns toward the hill and the sea beyond. At the top of the hill, she sat on the bench for a few minutes, her gaze fixed on the horizon. After a moment, her brow furrowed, that inexorable pull beckoning her on. First to London, then back out into the black, to Pertexa, to Palaven, and then what? 

“What if the horizon never stops pulling me?” she whispered to the dawn. “What if I can never stop?”

Jacob’s words on Gellix whispered through her mind. After Jacob’s people were safely on their way, she’d reassured Garrus that Jacob was wrong. As much as she loved the _Normandy_ and her crew, she could step away from it, for him, for them both. She could settle down and build a life. She hoped she was right.

Shepard shoved herself up onto her feet and walked to the long staircase that led down to the ocean. It took nearly fifteen minutes to make the descent, but she spent the time enjoying the cool, misty air and the clamour of seabirds searching for their breakfast. At the bottom, she sat on the steps and stripped off her boots and socks, grinning as she curled her bare toes in the chilly sand. 

For almost an hour, she just wandered along the water’s edge, picking up shells, colourful stones, or interesting bits of driftwood. Eventually, she stopped, sitting on a large chunk of a tree that washed ashore, and stared out at the waves, allowing them to lull her into a peaceful trance.

Her omnitool pinged, prompting first a sigh, then a laugh. She opened her messages, grumbling good-naturedly at the screen. “I should have left you back in the room.”

She read through the messages sent since she’d turned it off two days before. Lots from Steve, organizational information for distributing the supplies once they returned to London. One was from Councillor Sparatus, thanking Shepard for her hospitality on the _Normandy_ , and requesting to return to Palaven with them.

“Oh, that’ll make for a nice, easy, stress-free trip,” she said, grumbling under her breath.

The last one, her ping, came from a Senior Diplomatic Attache Derahk. Shepard read through it once, then again, aloud, as if hearing it would force it to make sense.

_“Commander Shepard. It has come to our attention that you rescued a batarian child off a freighter operated by a friend of the batarian hegemony. My life-mate and I are prepared to offer this child a safe and secure living environment. Send her status in a return message, for we wish to transfer her to our care prior to leaving Earth. Senior Diplomatic Attache, Mi’irill Derahk.”_

No. Reading it aloud didn’t help. Shepard read it again, latching onto phrases like ‘prepared to offer’ and ‘we wish to transfer’ as beacons of hope. They were just offering to take Lenka if she needed a place to go. The message contained no demands or ultimatums. Letting out a wavering breath, Shepard nodded. 

She sent back an immediate response thanking them for their offer, but it wouldn’t be necessary since Lenka was happy and loved in their care. Closing her omnitool, she jumped up and hurried back down the beach toward the staircase. She still had a few hours of sanity and peace remaining before life resumed, and she intended to enjoy them.

Part way back to the stairs, she saw Garrus and Lenka arrive on the beach. She lifted her hand in a wave, grinning as Lenka hopped down the last few stairs and bolted for the water. The child stopped, squealing laughter as the waves lapped over the toes of her shoes, chasing her further up the sand.

“Hey there,” Shepard said, a warm smile greeting her husband. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her cheek against his chest. She nodded to where Lenka played tag with the waves, giggling, shrill and happy. “Someone must have slept well last night.” The smiled faded and she closed her eyes, focusing herself on the man in her arms.

“Hey.” He hugged her. “What’s going on? You okay?”

Without releasing her grip on him, she swallowed the tumor of fear the batarian message spawned in her throat and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Mommy! Look at this shell.” 

Shepard smiled and pulled away from Garrus to crouch, arms wide. Lenka ran across the sand into her waiting embrace, hugging her tight.

“Oh my goodness, I missed you last night.” Giving the child a big kiss on the cheek, she snuggled her. When Lenka pulled back, Shepard looked at the shell clutched in her small hand. “Wow, that is a pretty one, isn’t it?” She kissed her daughter again. “You know, you should gather up all the really pretty things you can find so that we can have them on the _Normandy_. You and Papa can do your crafts with them.” 

Lenka giggled and nodded, wriggling free to return to the surf. She held her arms out like wings and broke into a run across the sand, squawking at the seabirds. Their harsh cries chastised her for interrupting their breakfast as they took to the air, circling for a moment before settling back to earth.

Shepard glanced down at her omnitool for the time. Breakfast wouldn’t hit the tables for another hour, lots of time to play. She straightened and held her hand out to Garrus as she started down the sand, following Lenka on her search for treasures. Her husband took her hand, but then pulled her in against his side and wrapped his arm around her. 

She smiled up at him. “It’s so beautiful here. I don’t want to leave.”

He nuzzled her brow and rumbled agreement. “We’ll come back every year, stay longer.” 

She smiled and gave him a squeeze. “I’d love that. It’s a date.” 

Lenka squealed as she flew amongst the birds, squawking back at them, her antics drawing Shepard’s gaze. 

“It’s good to see her just play and be a child. As much as we try on the _Normandy_ , she’s still a little adult so much of the time.” Garrus chuckled as the child and one of the gulls stood toe to toe yelling back and forth.

_“. . . rescued a batarian child off a freighter operated by a friend of the batarian hegemony.”_

Shepard took a quick, deep breath, blowing it out hard. “Having Kaidan back aboard will help with that, but I think she’s always going to be an old soul. She’s seen far too much and suffered far too much to just be a child.” Shepard opened her mouth to tell him about the message, but stopped. He didn’t need to worry about that until they were back in London.

“Hey! Cute stuff!” Shepard called. “Do you want to build a sand castle with me?”

Lenka raced back across the sand, still flapping and screeching. She circled her parents a couple of times before she dropped her arms, eyes bright and shining. “What’s a sand castle, Mommy?”

Shepard pulled away from Garrus and walked a little closer to the waterline before lowering herself down onto the sand. “A castle sort of looks like the lodge, but is way bigger and it has walls and a moat around it.” Shifting to sit on one hip, Shepard began digging the moat and piling the loose sand in the center.

“What’s a moat?” Lenka plopped down next to her.

“It’s a canal filled with water that helps protect the castle from attackers.” Shepard grinned up at Garrus. “Going to get sandy and build a masterpiece with us?”

He stared down as if evaluating their work. “If this is going to be a proper _Antim Palvipyrum_ period fortress, it needs to be bigger.” He searched the waterline for a minute, returning with a large, flat shell. He met Shepard’s grin with a little bob of his head and flared mandibles. “Tools are what separate us from the beasts.”

Shepard laughed and reached out for Lenka, pulling the child into her arms, growling and snarling. “I think that makes us beasts.”

Lenka giggled and started hooting, growling and warbling. Breaking free, she leaped over to her side of the castle, digging with both hands, tossing the sand over her shoulder.

“Yes!” Shepard laughed. “Embrace your inner beast.” She finished digging the back side of the moat. “So, Mr. Sandcastle Expert, does an Anti Pulverized Pyro period fortress have bulwarks or just walls?”

Garrus stopped digging and stared at her, completely deadpan. After a few seconds, he shook his head. “ _Antim Palvipyrum_ period fortresses did have bulwarks on the outside of the channel. You have to make the attackers climb, slow them down, wear them out, then make them climb through an obstacle at the top of the bulwark then slide down into the water. Give the defenders time to take them out.”

Shepard started building her bulwark. “So, is this thing going to have to measure to scale too?”

Garrus sighed and chuffed. “Now, you’re just being crazy.”

“Crazy Mommy,” Lenka repeated and giggled.

“You better watch yourselves, beast-child and accurate-historical-depiction-man.” Shepard kept piling and packing sand. She chuckled, glancing up to watch Garrus work, as fastidious and detail-oriented in his sandcastle building as everything else. “You really did spend most of your childhood up to your mandibles in books, didn’t you?”

He shrugged. “I wasn’t always the rakishly good-looking vigilante and war hero that you are admiring here today.” His eyes sparkled with a happiness that made Shepard ache a little inside.

Holding her hands up in surrender, she chuckled. “I can only imagine. It must take decades for a head to swell that big.” She yelped and ducked her head as he grabbed her and started nuzzling her neck. “Oh my, Mr. Archangel, sir. What a big cranium you have. I think I’m going to swoon.” 

“What are you lunatics doing down there?” Sol’s voice called down from the top of the cliff.

“Playing,” Lenka called back. “Come play!”

_“. . . prepared to offer this child a safe and secure living environment.”_

“Yeah,” Shepard said, shoving the fear away as she leaned back against her husband. “Come down and help us build our Ant Pulpit Pyrite period fortress. You can help Garrus measure the distance between the sand grains to make sure they’re historically correct.” She squawked as he grabbed her from behind and pulled her down onto the sand.

Garrus leaned over her, his arm cushioning her head. He stared into her eyes for a moment, then leaned down to kiss her.

Shepard reached up, pressing her hand against his face, and kissed him back, her eyes closed, her whole body letting out a long, sighing breath.

“Not if you’re going to keep doing that,” Sol yelled back.

“Just cover your eyes,” Lenka said, very matter-of-fact. “It’s what I do.”

Shepard laughed and gave Garrus another kiss before nudging him to let her up. “We’re scaring the normals.”

“It’s good for them.” Still, he sat up then helped her up off the damp sand.

“It’s breakfast time,” Sol called, walking down a few steps. “Aren’t any of you hungry?”

Shepard shrugged. “I’m okay, but these guys might be.” Both Garrus and Lenka shook their heads and went back to building. “I guess not. We’ll be up before . . ..”

“Are you guys building a sand castle?” Kaidan called down. “Neat. I haven’t built a sandcastle in decades.” He started trotting down the stairs, but Sol grabbed him. “But . . ..”

“Come help me first. You can go play in a minute.” Solana took his hand and dragged him back up the stairs.

“But . . ..” The major let out a grumbling sigh. “Fine. I’ll be back. Don’t finish it without me,”

Garrus laughed. “I think I see how that pairing is going to work.”

Shepard chuckled and nodded. She finished the bulwark along the back wall. “Where am I going to find sharpened stakes for the top?” 

“See my side, Mommy?” Lenka called, grinning with pride.

“Wow, that is some excellent moat digging. You definitely have your daddy’s eye for detail.” 

Fifteen minutes later, Shepard had just begun an intensive wall construction phase when Sol, Herros, and Kaidan returned armed with baskets and blankets. She grinned. “You didn’t just bring breakfast to us, did you?”

Sol chuffed. “Someone has to keep you people fed. I swear, how do you survive months out in space without someone to feed you?”

Shepard leaned back against Garrus’s side. “I have a husband who keeps me from starving.” She caressed his face and kissed his cheek. “He takes good care of us.”

Shepard levered herself up off the sand and dusted herself off, then headed over to help spread out the blankets. “Our hosts have just been exceptional,” she said. “Look at this. How am I ever going to go back to identifying food by its colour after being spoiled like this?”

“You’re not,” Garrus said, slipping his arms around her. “You’re going to be eating properly, even if I have to sic my sister on you.” He nuzzled the curve of her neck, then helped her sit, placing himself behind her, so she could lean back against him.

As they ate, the crew began appearing in small groups, before long the fortress was a massive group engineering project that included stone paved walkways, catwalks, irrigated kelp fields, and impromptu siege weaponry.

“Well, I know who to call if we ever need a fortress built,” Shepard teased, adding a little stir stick and napkin flag on the top of the main keep. “It’s a thing of beauty.” She waved to everyone. “Pile in behind it. I think this deserves official documentation.” When everyone gathered around their massive construction, she took a picture with her omnitool. “Brilliant.”

Sol took her place. “Go on, get in there with your family. We can’t have the admiral left out of the pictures.”

Garrus was kneeling next to Lenka and lifted a knee for Shepard to sit on. She perched carefully on his thigh, wrapping one arm around his neck. the other around Lenka, pulling the child back against her. After Sol took the picture, Shepard kissed Lenka and then her husband and stood.

“Okay, people,” she called, silencing the chatter. “As much as I don’t ever want to leave, we need to get ourselves back to London so the fleet can be ready to depart in a few days. I’ll have assignments sent to your inboxes by 1800. Lift off in sixty minutes.” She sighed and nodded in response to their collective reluctance, then turned toward the sea, her eyes burning.

Garrus slipped his arms around her, hugging her tight against him. “It’s been a perfect few days.”

She nodded and rubbed her lips together to banish the sudden slickness. “Yeah. If only they could all be so perfect.” She sniffed and turned to wrap her arms around him. “I guess it doesn’t really matter where we are, does it? This is always home, right here.”

_“. . . we wish to transfer her to our care prior to leaving Earth.”_

Shepard pressed her eyes closed, sealing the message and the fear it engendered behind a solid wall of denial. 

Her husband rumbled his agreement. “I can’t say I’d enjoy the cold, but I could live on Noveria in a crate as long as you and these two girls were there with me.” He let out a long breath and nuzzled her temple before pulling away. “In just a few more months we’ll have a home and lots of room to play, beaches to build sandcastles on, the whole package.”

She nodded and took his hand. “Come on, husband, let’s get moving.”

Garrus squeezed her fingers and held his other out to Lenka. “You coming, pretty eyes?”

The child bounded over to them and grabbed Garrus’s hand with both of hers, squealing when he lifted her off the ground.

“Yeah,” Shepard whispered. “The whole package.”


	59. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back from vacation and into the frying pan.

**December 23, 2187**

Shepard yawned and stretched her neck, pacing a small circle behind the armoury stations to wake herself up. 

“Maybe we should have done this before going to Portugal,” Steve said, grinning at her over the stack of crates. “It might not have seemed so tedious without the comparison.”

Shepard chuckled and nodded. “I’m using the time to think up new recruiting slogans for the Alliance. They can print them under the noble, saluting face of the admiral or general of the month. Something like, ‘Stay enlisted for god’s sake, the paperwork only gets worse from here’, or ‘Love paperwork? Become an admiral. We’ll tie you to a desk.’” She cocked an eyebrow at him. “What do you think?”

He aped wiping away a tear. “Stirring. Very stirring.” He laughed and ducked as she tossed a wadded up requisition form at his head. 

“Who’s next?” She turned to her stack of datapads.

“The captain of the Nirok Shi'al,” Steve called, heading back into the labyrinth of crates.

“Thanks.” She shuffled through the requisitions, finding the one she needed.

A batarian shuffled toward her, his gaze bouncing around the cargo bay as if he expected to be ambushed from all sides. “Comman . . ..” He bit off the word and gave her a quick, stiff bow that reminded her of a glass bird she’d once seen bobbing up and down into a glass of water. “My apologies, Admiral Shepard.”

She smiled, a slight twitch of her hand dismissing his faux pas. “Think nothing of it.” Ill at ease with the batarian’s twitchiness, Shepard shielded herself behind the datapad and scrolled down the list of supplies. “We have everything you asked for on your form, except for these two meds.” She pointed out the items. “Our doctor asked for you to send in a separate order for them, stating how many people require it and at what dosage so she can supply you with enough to meet your needs.”

The captain nodded, an uneasy, grease-slick smile sliding over his features without taking root. “Thank you, Admiral.” He waved to several equally discomfitted batarians pushing a zero-g dolly. Steve shot Shepard a dubious scowl and a cocked eyebrow before jumping in to help them find their crates and load them up. 

“Thank you, Admiral.” The captain gave her another cautious, bobbing-bird bow before hurrying his people down the length of the cargo bay. A few metres toward the ramp, he spun back so abruptly that Shepard’s hand did a gunslinger slap for the sidearm on her hip. The blood rushed from the batarian’s face, leaving him waxy and sweating, all four eyes fixated on her hand. 

Shepard uncoiled, feeling like an idiot, and pulled her hand back, holding it away from her body.

For a moment, she thought the batarian would pass out, but then he bobbed again and stuttered. “Just... um... not every batarian considers you an enemy, Admiral. Please remember that.”

She frowned, but nodded. “I will. Thank you, Captain.” What the hell did that mean?

“Wow, that wasn't ominous or anything,” Steve grumbled, stepping up next to her when the nervous captain and crew finally left the _Normandy_. He chuckled and nodded toward her hip. “Nice reflexes there, Tex.”

“Yeah, I’m sure nearly blowing his head off is just the thing to help people get over Aratoht.” Shepard struggled to keep her demeanour calm despite the barn swallows that swooped in her chest, playing chicken with her heart. 

“Any idea why they were so twitchy?” he asked, digging into the pile of datapads. 

Shepard shrugged, feigning calm. “With everything Balak has done, I’m sure they expect me to hate all batarians,” she said, sliding her hope out onto paper-thin ice.

His nod felt more patronizing than agreeable.

Five more batarian representatives jittered through their pickups, each looking either nervous or belligerent. When the last one left, Shepard looked over at Steve. “It’s not just me, right? All the batarians are acting extra squirrelly today?”

He nodded and shrugged. “They are. It's like they're expecting you to attack them or something.”

Damn, why did he have to go and notice it too? 

“Yeah. I suppose I can't blame them.” She passed him the next datapad. “I'm going to go get myself a heavily non-caffeinated beverage.” She planted her hands in the small of her back and stretched backwards, wincing at the popcorn crackle that travelled up her spine. “If this is seven months, I don't even want to imagine nine.” 

Steve grinned. “Go, take a break. I've got this.” He waved the next captain forward.

Before she could thank him, Joker’s voice came through on her radio. “Admiral?”

Shepard limped to the elevator and hit the control. “What is it, Joker?”

“There are a couple of batarians asking to come aboard to speak to you. They say they sent you a message yesterday.”

One of the barn swallows drove right through the center of her chest, piercing her heart. Shepard let out a fragile breath as the lies she’d told herself the day before evaporated. Of course they intended to take her to the mat. After Aratoht, her dealings with batarians all came down to a single, fixed point: she murdered a quarter million of their people. In the face of that, everything else went up in smoke.

Taking a breath, she squared her shoulders and plastered up a veneer of normal and calm. “Okay. Have someone escort them to the lounge. I'll be there in a few minutes.” The elevator door opened, and she stepped inside. “Do you know where Garrus is?”

“Aft battery.”

She stepped back out of the elevator. “Thanks. And what about Lenka?”

“On a supply run with Kaidan and Solana.” An exasperated sigh chased hot on the tail of a moment of considered silence. “Why am I in charge of tracking your family, Admiral?”

“I don't know. Why do you always know where they are?” A weak smile managed to work its way to the surface, as she imagined the expression on Joker’s face.

The pilot sighed. “Roger that, Joker out.”

Shepard turned into the narrow corridor to the aft battery. She hated it back there; it felt wrong. Part of it could be chalked up to simple things, the tightness of the space, the darkness that clung to everything, but it cut deeper, as if the _Normandy_ had been violated. 

“Garrus?”

His eyes appeared above the big gun. “Hey. What brings you into the bowels of the ship?” The light shine of his eyes disappeared as a hand stuck out the entrance to the tight space behind the gun. “Can you pass me the targeting control circuit panel, please? Feels like it took me two hours to cram myself in here.”

She sorted through the components on the workbench, passing him the requested circuit panel. “Those batarians who emailed me about taking custody of Lenka just asked to come aboard to speak with me. Seems that they don't understand what no means.” She cocked a hip and crossed her arms, turtling up behind her shell. “Got a minute to help me educate them?”

“Sure, let me install this and fight my way free.” He disappeared back behind the gun. “Where is the adorable object of contention?”

Shepard chuckled. “Out with Sol and Kaidan, of course.” Happiness warred with a strange sense of loss. “Gone are the days of her clinging to me like a baby possum.”

“You have a remarkable effect on people,” he said, grunting a little as he tried to squeeze back out. “From now on, Tali gets the honour of aft battery maintenance.” He laid a hand on her shoulder. “Let's go see these people.”

Shepard nodded and led the way back to the elevator. “I didn't think they would be this persistent. Their email seemed to say that they would take her if she had nowhere to go. I replied that she was fine with us.”

He hit the control to take them up two decks.

After giving Garrus a moment to wash up, Shepard led the way into the lounge.

When the door opened, the batarian couple stood just inside, their posture rigid and aggressive. Shepard opened her mouth to greet them, but the female strode forward, stopping them from even crossing the threshold. Shepard stepped forward, pushing the female back a couple of steps. It would be a cold day in hell that someone pushed her around on her own ship.

When she’d backed the batarians up enough that she and Garrus could enter the lounge, Shepard held out her hand. “Hello. Welcome aboard the _Normandy_. How may I assist you?”

“Commander Shepard.” The female batarian looked down at Shepard's extended hand as if it were something she needed to scrape off her shoe.

Shepard snapped it back. “That's Admiral Shepard. How many I help you?” she repeated, brittle and sharp.

The female’s mouth curled a little as she spoke, clearly unable to believe she needed to explain herself to anyone so distasteful. “As I explained in our message, we will be taking custody of the batarian child you found on the derelict freighter. She is batarian and will be raised by batarian parents.” She indicated the male, who straightened the front of his suit and raised his chin. 

Shepard cleared her throat to stifle an angry, mocking laugh, knowing it would only inflame the entire situation. Still, the airs the two wrapped themselves in rang pathetic, giving her a new perspective on the saying that in a land of blind men, the one-eyed man is king. 

The female continued on, unperturbed by her mate’s preening. “My husband and I were high level cultural and diplomatic entities before the war. We can provide the child with a proper, batarian upbringing.” She flicked her hand toward the door in a dismissive wave. “If you could bring the child now. There is no need to pack whatever belongings you were able to scrape together for her.”

Shepard leaned back on one hip and crossed her arms, fury incinerating her earlier fear and leaving her sardonic amusement in ashes. Pulse throbbing at her temples and in her throat, she filled her lungs and squared her shoulders. “Lenka is . . ..”

“Terrible name,” the woman sighed. “We will have to remedy that immediately. She will need something appropriate.”

“It's the name her mother gave her,” Garrus said, his tone cold, razor-edged and as inexorable as an avalanche, shooting a sliver of ice straight down Shepard’s spine. He stepped up behind her until his right side pressed against her back.

“And now she will be given a new name for new parents,” the male said, countering Garrus’s movement by pressing forward.

“Lenka,” Shepard said, emphasizing her name as she stepped between the two males, drawing everyone’s attention back to her, “is doing very well with us. She's been with us for seven months now. She loves us and considers us her mother and father.”

“She is batarian,” the male said. “There are very few of us left in the galaxy. If you think we will allow one of our young to be raised by a mass murderer . . ..” He jerked his head toward her stomach. “Besides, you'll soon have a mongrel of your own. You expect us to believe you'll even think of a batarian child after the blessed event.”

The venom dripping from his words sunk steel fangs into Shepard's skull, and she wrapped a protective arm around her stomach. Garrus moved up again, but she reached back, stopping him with a touch on his arm.

“The child needs to be raised by batarian parents,” the female said, cutting off her mate before he could say anything further. “She needs to be schooled in batarian customs and traditions. A mixed species couple such as yourselves would have no grasp of the importance of honour and tradition.”

“I hope you're referring to batarian tradition and honour,” Garrus said, the avalanche bearing down, poised to sweep the batarians straight off the _Normandy_.

The female responded with a tiny, stiff nod as she eased back a little. “We have spoken to Governor Grothan Pazness and have his support for our claim to the child. If you force us to involve the council and your governments, we will.”

“I do not respond well to threats,” Shepard said, each word measured and weighed to carry an exact balance of warning and resolve. “Lenka is happy and loved with us. Thank you for your concern about her welfare, but she'll grow up just fine in our care.”

“This is not a threat, Admiral Shepard. You are the last person I would allow to raise one of our young.” The male shrugged off his mate's restraining hand and closed on Shepard until his chest bumped hers. “You are a war criminal and a butcher.”

Shepard pushed closer still, holding his contemptuous glare with one of steel. “Aratoht was a great tragedy that I would have given my life to prevent, but ask yourself this: If I had gotten on my ship without destroying the Alpha Relay, would those people have thanked me for the fate I left them to? You've seen what the Reapers did to your people.”

“As I've seen in our files what batarian slavers did to you on Mindoir, Admiral. You expect me to believe that you would do the batarian people any kindness? I've seen the vid the Alliance doctors took when they scraped your carcass off the planet's surface after the slaver raid. No, you have a hate inside you that will unleash itself upon that child one day.”

Shepard leaned up, pushing him back. “I don't blame all batarians for what those monsters did to me. I certainly don't blame that sweet child. Now get off my ship before I throw you off.” She backed up enough to allow them to go around her.

The female gave Shepard a contemptuous nod and brushed past, leaving the admiral no doubt that a gauntlet had been thrown. “You'll be hearing from the council, Admiral.”

Shepard gestured for the two crew members standing guard to escort the batarians off the ship, then let out a long breath. Her heart and head hammered, every instinct she possessed insisting that she either start fighting or start running.

“It's just hot air, Shepard,” Garrus said, slipping an arm around her waist. “There's no way the Council will step into a personal matter like this.”

Shepard just nodded, her mind racing, her entire body trembling. How had that batarian gotten his hands on the vid of Mindoir? Was it just public viewing now? She shoved that aside. If it was public, it was public. Her gut started twisting into knots. She needed to get Lenka somewhere safe.

As always, Garrus knew what she was thinking. “Come on, we’ll call Kaidan and Sol, get them to bring her back as soon as they can. Meanwhile, we have a ton of work to do in a few days.” He rubbed her back. “It'll work out.”

She nodded and turned to kiss his cheek. “I don’t know, Garrus. The questions during my psych eval . . . now this. I’ve got a very bad feeling. Balak is behind this. He has to be.”

Her husband pulled her into his arms, gathering her in against his warmth and strength. “It’s far too early for panic, Shepard. We’ll get her on board, keep her with us. If they push this, we’ll push back. No one can deny how far she’s come over the months.”

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Shepard pulled back. “We’re good parents. Everyone will see that.” 

“They will.” He bent and nuzzled her brow. “Now, let’s get this ship ready to take us home.”

Smiling, she snapped a crisp salute. “Yes, sir.”

He smacked her backside, herding her toward the elevator.

“That’s sexual harassment, sir.” She broke off toward the galley, still needing a drink.

“Write me up, but wait until later, I’ll have some more infractions for you to add.” He smiled, but she could see the strain behind it. She returned the smile, knowing he saw through her just as readily.

After getting herself something to drink, Shepard returned to distributing supplies. Despite trying to focus on the work, she felt the storm brewing just out of sight. As time dragged, boiling black clouds blotted out the sun, the air heavy with electricity just waiting to strike. It took exactly one hundred and four minutes to strike.

“Admiral.”

The admiral frowned as Traynor's voice came through on her earpiece. She held up an apologetic finger to interrupt the salarian quartermaster currently insisting that their portion of the dextro provisions was not sufficient. “Excuse me for just a moment.”

She walked away a couple of paces. “What is it, Sam?”

“Councillor Tevos for you, Admiral.”

“Patch her through.”

“Aye, aye.”

“Madam Councillor, how may I be of assistance today?” As if she didn't know.

“Governor Pazness and a batarian couple just barged into my office demanding an audience.”

“Let me guess, they want you to pressure me into surrendering the batarian child currently in my care?” Shepard sighed. She and Garrus should know better by now. The council couldn't stop themselves from interfering if a way to mess with her showed itself.

“Yes. I need you and your husband to come in and meet with myself and the council as soon as possible. I do not wish this situation to escalate any further than it already has.”

“There was no reason for it to reach this point, Councillor. We found the child, we love her, she loves us. Why does the council need to involve itself?” Shepard paced back and forth in front of the elevator at a rigid march, spinning when she turned back.

“I look forward to having this discussion in my office, two hours from now. Good bye, Admiral.” The line went dead.

Shepard stopped, her toe catching on the decking, and stood, frozen and trembling on the spot. They were going to do it. Those ungrateful, self-serving bastards were going to order her to give Lenka up. Her fingers lifted to her ear.

“Garrus?”

“Shepard? What is it?” Judging by the instant concern in Garrus’s voice, Shepard knew she needed to do a better job of reining in her emotions before they met with the council. Like varren or hyenas, the council would take advantage of any weakness and eat her alive.

Sucking in a quick breath, she replied, “The batarians didn’t waste any time going to the council. Tevos just called with a none too subtle demand for us to appear in her office to discuss Lenka. We have two hours.”

He remained silent for nearly a minute before letting out a grumbling sigh. “Okay. I'll be up in a few minutes. See if you can get in touch with Hackett before the meeting. I'll contact the Primarch. Hopefully we can count on our governments standing with us.”

“Yeah.” She closed the channel then turned to face the salarian again, forcing a smile onto her face. She spent the next twenty minutes asking people to repeat themselves every time they spoke to her as her mind spun its wheels. The council couldn’t take her. They’d done a lot of really crappy things over the years, but ordering Shepard to give up her child? Surely not.

“Admiral?”

Shepard jumped, the voice hitting her like the business end of an electric prod.

Steve laid a hand on her shoulder, his dark eyes soft and kind. “Go do what you need to do to get this sorted. I’ll look after things here.” When she just stared at him, suddenly numb with panic, he gave her a gentle push toward the elevator. “Go look after your family.”

She nodded, her lips pressed tight together to keep them from trembling. “Thanks.”

When she stepped through the door into her cabin, she couldn’t remember getting there. She clenched her fists and closed her eyes. 

“Hold it together, Shepard. I know you’re a hormonal mess, but if you screw this up, you’re going to give them everything they need to take her from you.” She bit down on her bottom lip as her eyes filled, her entire body trembling. She couldn’t allow them to take Lenka. 

Sucking in a long, shaky breath, she reined in the dread and sent a message to Admiral Hackett's office.

His assistant connected her right away, saying that he was expecting her call. She opened it on the vid screen above her desk, needing to see him, to read the situation on his face. Knowing the man as long as she had, she’s learned to read him pretty well. Not to mention that she trusted his honesty without question.

“Shepard.” The admiral returned her salute then leaned on a hip and crossed his arms. “I just heard from the council about the batarians.”

Shepard nodded, noting the hard lines beneath his relaxed pose. He was in keep the troops calm and focused mode. “Can they make us do this, Admiral?”

He shook his head. “The council won't have Alliance backing if it tries, Shepard. I won't support any claim to remove the child from your custody, but don't be surprised if the council makes that demand. These people are threatening war with the batarians if you don't turn her over. They claim that she's a hostage.”

Hostage? Shepard glanced toward her chair, then forced herself to remain standing and focus. “How did they get Pazness to go along with this? When we rescued his ass off that planet in the Kite's Nest, his people were practically eating each other. He was staunch in his support of a unified galaxy.”

“According to Councillor Tevos, both of these people held enough power in the old batarian government to make Pazness nervous. He's trying to rebuild a planetary government from nothing. Karshan is as obliterated as the rest of the homeworlds. His people are dying of starvation faster than aid can reach them, not that anyone has much to spare.” He shifted, leaning on his other hip, but his face remained masked, his posture defensive. “Add to that the fact that TPR is a constant threat, and he's in a very ugly corner. TPR doesn't want to put forward a leader, but they sure as hell want to be pulling the strings of whomever is in charge.”

Shepard just stared, dumbfounded at the screen. “And the council wants to placate these bastards?” Did their cowardice know no bounds?

Hackett straightened and clasped his hands behind his back, letting out a weary sigh. “Everything Sparatus told you the other day is true, Shepard. The Council knows it’s done. The galaxy is telling them that their time has passed, so they are clinging to power any way they can, especially with Sparatus openly supporting a Senate. Tevos and Valern are running scared. They can't afford war with TPR. In fact, I think they’ve accepted TPR backing, but I don’t have any proof to back that up.”

He let out a long breath, the mask dropping, leaving him looking old, sad and impossibly tired. “And this is where I hit you with the bad news. I won't support them, and I'll be there to have your back at the meeting, but if push comes to shove, the Alliance can't go to war over this either, Shepard. We're barely able to communicate again. We don't even have the resources left to protect our few remaining colonies properly.”

“I wouldn't expect you to, Admiral. I can't believe it will come to that.” Despite her words, the fear began to turn into something resembling panic as the council, batarians and even her own government backed her into a corner, the walls pressing tight.

“Don't be surprised if it does, Shepard. These people are pushing hard.”

The door opened behind her, and Garrus stepped up to stand at her side.

“Vakarian,” Hackett said, greeting Garrus with a nod.

“I'm assuming that you're telling Shepard the same thing that Primarch Victus just finished telling me? You won't support the Council, but you can't risk war either.” Shepard hated the combination of weariness, fear and frustration she heard in her husband's voice.

Hackett nodded. “I was just telling Shepard that these people are pushing hard. I don't know why, but I'd be surprised as hell if TPR wasn't behind it.”

Shepard shook her head. “No. I can't hand her over to people with ties to those bastards. Who knows what they would do to her in the name of getting to me.”

Hackett nodded. “It's a mess, and TPR knows that they have us over a barrel.”

Shepard nodded, and leaned against her chair, suddenly feeling ill. “They certainly seem to have everyone running scared.”

“True. I never thought I'd see the day that a few batarian terrorists dictated galactic policy. I'll see you at the meeting. Hackett out.”

Shepard turned off the monitor then sank into her chair. Shaking her head she forced the fear behind the wall, building it brick by brick. She couldn't afford panic, and she certainly couldn’t let the council get to her. If she let them wind her up, they’d rule against her without a twinge of conscience.

“So Adrien said the same thing? Sorry as hell, but there's nothing I can do.”

Garrus laid a hand on her back. “Basically.”

Shepard glanced at the chrono. “We'd better get ready. I want to bring Dad, Kaidan, and Sol up to speed before we go.”

They headed down to the CIC, running into Herros right outside the elevator. 

“Hey, Dad. Do you have a second?” Shepard motioned him off to one side of the elevator. “We’re on our way to speak to the council,” she told him, then laid out the situation.

Kaidan, Lenka, and Sol walked in just as Shepard and Garrus finished telling Herros what was going on.

“Mommy!” Lenka ran up to her, practically jumping into Shepard's arms. “Kaidan and Aunt Sol took me down to the river. We got attacked by geese!”

Shepard forced a laugh and hugged the child tight. “Attacked by geese?”

“Yep, but Kaidan hissed at them and they ran away.”

“You are a never-ending font of talents, Alenko.” Shepard gave him a brief smile, then turned her attention back to Lenka. “And he saved my girl from the terrible geese.” She kissed Lenka's cheek. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” She kissed Shepard back. “It felt like we were gone for hours.”

Shepard chuckled at the dramatic emphasis on hours. She gave the child a quick peck on the cheek. “I love yah.”

Lenka pecked her back. “I love yah.”

They went back and forth for a few seconds, then Herros stepped in. “How about you come help me in the Comm room, young lady.”

Lenka's smile widened, but she looked to Shepard. “Can I go with Papa?”

“Okay, but I need a proper kiss and a big hug before you go.”

Lenka kissed her then wrapped her arms around Shepard's neck, hugging her tight.

“Ooo, that's the stuff,” Shepard said. “The best hugs ever.”

Garrus held out his arms as Shepard moved to set Lenka down. “Hey, what about me?”

Lenka twisted around, latching onto his armour, and pulled herself over into his arms. “You need hugs too?”

He nodded. “Of course, and a couple of kisses might be good.”

She kissed him and hugged him tight. “I love you, Daddy.”

“And I love you, pretty eyes.” He nuzzled her cheek then set her down.

“Whatever you need to do,” Herros said as he took Lenka’s hand in his, “I’ll support you all the way.” 

Shepard nodded. “Thanks, Dad.”

The elder turian nodded and led Lenka through the door.

“What's going on, you two?” Sol asked, limping over to sit on the stairs up to the galaxy map.

Shepard walked over and sat next to her then waved for Kaidan to come closer. “Yesterday, I got an email from a batarian couple. From the tone of the email, it sounded as if they were just offering to take Lenka if she had nowhere else to go. Then a couple of hours ago, they showed up, demanding that we give her to them. Within an hour of telling them no, the asari councillor contacted me, telling Garrus and me to come to a meeting that takes place in about thirty minutes.”

“They're threatening the Council, the Alliance and the Hierarchy with war if we don't hand Lenka over,” Garrus told them. “Earth and Palaven say they support us, but that's the end of it. They can’t afford to go to war over a single child.”

“Hackett thinks TPR is behind it, and he’s right.” Shepard swallowed the wave of nausea that accompanied her memories of Pertexa. “After the artifact fired on Pertexa, I had a vision of Balak, but it wasn’t really a vision. Somehow he’s managed to muck with my master implant so it can receive transmissions.” A delicate shudder like a sapling trembling under a heavy snowfall raised gooseflesh along her arms and down her back.

She looked from Sol to Kaidan and back. “Anyway, he warned me that the next trial was the Trial of Innocent Sacrifice.”

Kaidan let out a remarkably turian chuff. “I know we’ve all asked this, but it bears repeating right now. How the hell is Balak pulling all this off? Indoctrination? Organizing both a terrorist organization and a religious cult? Building Reaper-based devices? If he was that clever, wouldn’t he have managed to pull off the destruction of Terra Nova?”

A desolate cold blew through Shepard’s mind, bringing with in the memory of the endless darkness of the sea. “I don’t believe he’s the driving force behind any of it, but that is speculation best left to another time. Regardless of who pulls the strings, I expect that all of this is about the Trial of Innocent Sacrifice.”

“Lenka,” Sol whispered. “I think I must be having one of my medicated dreams.” She shook her head. “Mad men trying to turn you and Mercy into twisted holy figures?” She laid her hand over Mercy for a moment. “Threatening war over a child who is perfectly safe and happy? The council ordering people to give up their kids?” Her brow plates raised and her sub-vocals trilled. “Is this the galaxy we fought to create?”

“What are they going to do if you refuse?” Kaidan asked. “Storm the _Normandy_? Put you both in front of a firing squad?”

“Probably nothing as drastic as a firing squad, but they can lock us up and take her by force.” Garrus spoke up. He crossed his arms but they only stayed crossed for a second before he shifted. “The council knew this was coming. Sparatus and Hackett believe that they’ve made a deal with Balak to stay in power.”

“The batarians say that I'm a war criminal and guilty of genocide. According to Hackett, they’re telling the council that Lenka is a hostage,” Shepard answered, her words stiff and finely drawn to keep the fear from seeping through. She needed the wall to remain intact. “I’m certain that I was sent for the psych eval to give the council documentation of my mental incompetence. They need something to hold up as evidence if we fight back, and they know we’ll fight back.” 

“But it’s a complete fabrication!” Kaidan paced. Shepard could see his integrity alarm screaming inside his head, his movements frantic and jerky. “After everything you’ve done, how can they do this? How can they just throw you to the wolves.” A rare curse escaped, hiccoughing through on the back of a tight sob. “They can’t take her.”

Sol held out her hand, her voice calm, her sub-harmonics comforting. “Kaidan.” When he slipped his hand into hers, she pulled him over to her side and put her arm around him.

“True or not, it’s likely that the batarians will insist that she’s a hostage.” She gave him a tight-lipped, understanding smile. “We have to expect that the council is going to demand that we give her up.” Pressing her eyes closed, Shepard shook her head. How did things always end up coming back to her breaking the law to do what was right? “We have to plan for that eventuality, because there is no way in hell I am turning Lenka over to that monster.” 

She looked up into Garrus’s eyes, agreement and determination staring back at her. They both took a deep breath, squaring their shoulders in unison, making the unspoken decision together. They’d do whatever they needed to do to protect their daughter.

As if someone had pulled a plug, Shepard felt her fear drain away. Molten resolve poured into her, shoring up every bone, straightening her spine, coating every nerve in steel. She was still Jane Shepard. She’d defied the council three times and saved their lives at least twice. She’d brought down Saren, defied death, destroyed the Collectors, and united a galaxy to defeat the Reapers. If they tried to take her daughter, she’d make sure they remembered who they were dealing with.

Her eyes still staring into Garrus’s, Shepard stood, her movements smooth and sure. “I’ll declare war on the council myself before I let them take her.”


	60. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Fifty Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The straw that breaks the council's back.

**December 23, 2187**

 

Shepard looked up into her husband’s eyes as Garrus stepped to her side. His mandibles fluttered as he nodded.

“You know we’ve got your back,” Kaidan said, pulling away from Sol a little. “If they tell you to give her up, we’ll take Lenka to my parent’s place in the Okanogan, hide her there until the _Normandy_ is ready to leave.” He looked down at Sol, who nodded.

“Yeah, we can.” She stood and laid a hand on the major’s shoulder. “While you’re at the meeting, we’ll make sure we have things packed and Steve knows what’s going on. If we need to, we can be gone in under five minutes.”

Shepard stepped up and hugged them both. “Thank you, guys.”

“We better get going,” Garrus said, his tone easing her toward the elevator, but also saying he’d rather be doing anything else but.

“Yeah. We’ll keep you guys informed, and we can decide on what to do once the council lets us in on their plans. Whatever happens, we have to keep it from upsetting or scaring Lenka.” Shepard nodded, but mostly to herself and turned toward the elevator.

“Hey, Jane.” Sol followed her, standing outside the elevator door. “Remember, they don’t underestimate you. They know exactly how strong and honourable you are. They’re counting on it, so be careful. To them, you and Lenka are just pieces on a game board. Don’t let them set the rules.”

“Thanks, Sol.” Shepard hugged her sister, then stepped back. “I’ll do my best.”

Garrus wrapped his arm around her for the ride down to the cargo bay, then traded it for a tight grip on her hand. 

The cargo bay teemed with activity, bodies and crates coming and going, indifferent to the fact that the universe around them held its breath. Neither one of them spared the will or energy to speak as they passed through and then crossed the docks. Garrus held the door open for Shepard, but ended up guiding her through with a hand on her back as the steel girding her spine softened, and she hesitated at the threshold. 

She shook her head, one small, fast, violent shake. No. No! She hadn’t fought endless battles through hell to lose here. Whatever game the council was playing, she would not be a willing piece on their board.

A timid-looking asari jumped up behind her desk the moment they walked through the door. “This way,” she said, hurrying around her desk.

Shepard’s eyebrows climbed toward her hairline as the assistant’s eyes locked on their hips, as if expecting them to be armed. No . . . the asari seemed terrified that they might be armed, an entirely different and far more alarming beast. Maybe they should have brought side arms, although shooting their way through the council didn’t feel like a smart way to get what they needed. 

The asari ushered them down a short hall and straight into Tevos's office.

“Admiral Shepard, Hierarch Vakarian,” the asari councillor said, gesturing to chairs across the desk from her and her fellow councillors. “Take a seat, please.”

Shepard paused to snap Admiral Hackett a brisk salute. He stood off against the left hand wall. His expression did not give her reason for optimism. She took the offered chair and glanced around, but didn't see the batarians. “Madam Councillor, are the batarians coming? How can we address anything without them here?”

Tevos shook her head, but Valern spoke.

The salarian cleared his throat and sat forward in his chair. For a moment, his mouth twitched so obviously that it brought to mind Javik’s contention that salarians had once licked their eyes. “Given your history with the batarians,” he said at last, having at least enough good grace to show discomfort, “and your penchant for belligerence in situations like this, we felt it would be more productive for us to meet with the two of you separately.”

“Belligerence?” Garrus repeated, jumping out of his chair, his tone promising to redefine the word for the salarian councillor. “You’re speaking to an Alliance admiral and a member of the turian hierarchy, not a couple of thugs from the back alleys of Omega.” 

Shepard reached out to snag his hand, the contact easing him back into his chair. Her radio squawked in her ear, she lifted her fingers, noticing Garrus do it as well, but no communication came through. 

Tevos held up a hand to forestall any response from Valern. “Please, let’s stay focused on the reason we’re here. The matter before us is the welfare of the child. After speaking with the batarian couple and Governor Pazness, we feel that they can provide the better situation for the child.” 

“Wait.” Shepard jumped up. “You made this decision without speaking to us or, more importantly, Lenka? This is insane. When did child rearing become the province of the council?” She stepped back, fleeing a couple of steps, fists clenching, trying to control the rage. Giving in to the belligerence would just prove them right. 

Garrus cleared his throat. “We don’t recognize your authority to make this decision. The child has been living with us for seven months. She calls us Mommy and Daddy. She calls my father Papa. She is our child.”

Her husband’s voice calmed Shepard enough to turn back and make eye contact with the asari councillor. “After everything I've done, all I've been through, you're still questioning my character? I don't think you have the right.”

Tevos stood and glided over to Shepard, laying a hand on her shoulder. “I'm not questioning your character, Shepard, I'm asking you to do the right thing for these people and the child.”

Shepard brushed off the asari’s hand. What was it with them that they always felt justified to come into her space and touch her? She lowered her voice and leaned into the councillor’s space to stare eye to eye. “How is tearing her away from the only love and care that she has ever known the best thing for her? Cut the bullshit. This isn’t about Lenka or even Garrus and me.” Shepard turned on Valern, pinning him with a pointed glare. “Yes, councillor, here's your belligerence. You're terrified of these people's TPR connections. That's the real reason for this insanity.”

Tevos held up both hands. “Very well, Shepard, I'm asking you to do this for peace and for any hope of bringing the batarians into the galactic community. Please, I understand you've grown attached to the child, but these people can offer her an excellent home. Besides, you are weeks away from having your own daughter.”

Shepard snarled, suddenly positive she knew what it felt like to have krogan bloodrage coursing through her veins. “Why does everyone keep saying that like one can replace the other? Lenka is my daughter, regardless of whether I gave birth to her.”

“She's an orphan you found on a freighter a few months ago.” Valern stood, leaning across the desk. “Let’s not be unduly overwrought and melodramatic.”

“Overwrought?” For a moment, Shepard thought Garrus would jump right over the desk and throttle the salarian. Instead, he froze, not even his chest moving with his breathing. “You will show the woman who has saved your life multiple times the respect she is due, both for her rank and for everything she has sacrificed for this galaxy.”

Tevos held up her hands, placing herself between Garrus and Valern. “Please, before this dissolves into something none of us want, everyone calm down. We understand that this is upsetting to you, but Valern has a valid point. She’s been with you seven months.”

Shepard slipped out from under Tevos’s hand as the councillor moved to touch her again, and stepped over to run a calming hand down the back of her husband’s neck. As much as she disliked the salarian, beating the crap out of Valern wouldn’t help, no matter how good it felt.

Breathing deep, letting a ripple of calm shimmer down the steel holding her fast, Shepard cocked an eyebrow. “Councillors Tevos and Sparatus . . . tell me, how long after you held your first daughter did she become yours? Lenka became my daughter before we even made it back to the _Normandy_ —about the same time as her second arm wrapped around my neck. By the time I'd gotten up three times during the night and held her, rocking her back to sleep after her night terrors, I was her mother.”

“Shepard, you know how unstable and fragile the galaxy is right now,” Valern spoke retaking his seat. “Would you be so selfish as to throw us all into a war before we can even feed our people?”

Admiral Hackett stepped forward just far enough to draw everyone’s attention. “And if Shepard and Hierarch Vakarian refuse to dispose of their child in the manner the state decrees, you'll do what? Toss them in prison and take the child by force?”

Tevos shook her head and let out a long, delicate sigh. “I’m hoping we can avoid creating a situation where we need to find out.” She looked back to Shepard. “Make it easy on the child, and encourage her to go.”

Sparatus cleared his throat and stood. “Is this what the council has been reduced to?” He shook his head, but his eyes were on his fellow council members, not Shepard and Garrus. “There was a time that we stood proudly at the heads of our people. And now? Demanding people give up their children to capitulate to the demands of people and a government with obvious links to a terrorist organization?” His mandibles fluttered, and he made a low rumbling noise in his throat. “I stand with the Primarch on this matter, Councillors. I will not lower myself to grovel for power at the feet of terrorists.”

Hackett took another step forward. “When will Shepard have sacrificed enough for the good of the council and the galaxy?” Hackett asked, standing next to Sparatus. “Defeating Saren, the Collectors, and the Reapers hasn't been enough. She and her husband love the child. I’ve seen them together over the past three days, and there is no better home for her.” He let out a sigh that was almost as much a growl as anything. “The Alliance will not support this.”

“The Alliance has no official voice on this Council at this time,” Valern said, “and that leaves the Council two to one in favour, Shepard. Will you capitulate voluntarily, or do we need to resort to more drastic action?”

Shepard’s hand went to her ear as a chatter of static hit her radio again. Still nothing there.

Garrus stood and held out his hand. “Come on, Shepard. We're done here.” He stared down the asari councillor. “You've destroyed something today that you won't be able to put back together, Madam Councillor. When the galaxy stands up to disband the council, and you ask yourself when it began, remember this moment.” He grasped Shepard's fingers as she slipped them into his, then led her to the door. Just before they left, he turned to look over his shoulder. “Do you have children?”

Tevos nodded.

“And if someone came to you and told you that for the good of galactic peace, you should give one of them away to terrorists, what would your reaction be?” He pushed open the door, leading them down the corridor and out into the sun.

“They're going to take her,” Shepard said as soon as they exited into the chill air. All the steel she’d used to keep her upright and functional during the meeting dissolved, leaving her heart pounding and her hands shaking. “It doesn't matter what we say or to whom, they're going to lock us both up if they have to and take her.” It took every ounce of Shepard's willpower not to panic. She shook her hands out and clenched her fists trying to still their trembling. “We’ve got to contact Kaidan and Sol right now. Maybe dad can go with them.”

Garrus guided her toward a picnic table on the edge of the river. He sat and pulled her down next to him, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “I don't know what to do here, Shepard. Damn it, I hate being cornered.”

Pressure, like the leading wave of a tsunami of panic, built in Shepard's throat and sinuses until slow tears began to drip down her cheeks. She stood, pacing rapidly to the bank and back, hoping motion would help channel the roaring waves of fear smashing around inside her. “It's not right. Why can't they see that? We’ve got to tell Kaidan to go ahead. I’m not letting Balak have her. I’ll go to prison first.”

Garrus caught her wrist as she went by, pulling her down next to him. He held her tight, his cheek pressed against the top of her head. “Then what happens to me and her and the rest of our lives, Shepard? What happens to the _Normandy_ and all the refugee ships stranded here until someone gets promoted to take over? It won’t be Kaidan or me, we’re co-conspirators.”

She pulled away, her entire body going rigid in his arms as she turned to look at him. “You think we should just give in? Turn her over?” She watched as his face morphed into a mask of exquisite sorrow coupled with the agony of having to choose between his child and his wife. She slid back in against him, grasping his face between her hands as tears hit his cheeks. She shook her head, looking down for a second. “I’m sorry, Garrus, I know you don’t . . .. I know you’re just trying to do what is best for everyone.” 

Leaning in, she kissed the tears off his cheeks. “I don’t know what to do. How do I fight this?” She pressed her brow to his. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Shepard! Garrus!” Joker’s voice nearly took out her eardrum, and judging by the way Garrus jumped, his as well.

“What is it, Joker?” Shepard jumped up, movement catching her attention out the corner of her eye. 

“Oh thank god, we’ve been trying to raise you for half an hour. C-Sec and the batarians boarded as soon as you left. Tali hid the kid in the ducts while the rest of the crew . . ..”

Shepard hung up on him and laid her hand on Garrus’s shoulder, drawing his attention to the dozen C-Sec officers in full assault gear marching toward them, Avengers held at the ready.

Shepard walked around the table, her hands held away from her body. A glacial calm settled over her, heart slowing, fear fading. She knew how to deal with armed men, and any man willing to take up arms to commit an atrocity like stealing a child from her parents was a man Shepard wouldn’t lose sleep over putting down hard. 

Two, then three careful steps took her closer to them, but also closer to the _Normandy_. “We're unarmed. You've been sent to do something very wrong,” she said, her voice soft. “We just don't believe the Council has the right to order us to give up our child. Would you?”

One stepped a little ahead. “I’d fight like hell, ma’am, but we have our orders. Please return to Councillor Tevos’s office.”

“I can’t let them send my six-year-old to live with terrorists to placate their cowardice. Please, understand. I’m her mother.” She saw a couple of them react to that. “Please, let me go. If troops storm the _Normandy_ to drag her off, she's going to be terrified. She's only six years old. Please, don't do this.”

Two stepped forward, gesturing with their rifles.

“Sorry to do this, Admiral,” one said, “but you need to return to headquarters. You'll be released once the child is secure.”

The other stepped forward, a wall of armour-wrapped, intractable muscle waving his rifle in her face. “Move, Shepard. We'll take you down and drag you in if we have to.”

Shepard stared into the shaded screen of his helmet and glided sideways, sidling around him. “I'm sorry, I just can't cooperate with this.” Darting a glance the _Normandy_.

“Stop! Look, lady, we're serious here.” He took a menacing step forward.

Garrus stepped between them, an arm around her waist. “You're speaking to an Alliance admiral, officer!”

“Shepard!” Joker's voice shouted through the radio. “C-Sec just tried to arrest Kaidan and a bunch of others who resisted them. Our people fought back and now they’re brawling in the cargo bay and on the engineering deck. What do we do?”

“Don't do anything to provoke them into opening fire, Joker.” Shepard turned to Garrus, her voice soft, but laced with steel. “Let me go.”

He frowned, but removed his arm. “Shepard, don't get yourself killed.”

Shepard bolted, ducking around the C-Sec troopers on her left and sprinted for the ship. The aggressive one jumped in front of her, but she shoved him aside and kept going. Surely, they wouldn't fire on a pregnant woman. Behind her, she heard the sound of armour impacting armour, and prayed Garrus took his own advice and didn't get himself killed trying to buy her time to get to the ship. 

She made it a hundred and fifty meters before two hundred pounds of man and armour slammed into her from behind. His arms encircled hers so that she couldn't even try to break her fall. He twisted so they hit the ground rolling. Three times he crushed her into the ground, before jumping up, slamming her face into the dirt, wrenching her arms behind her.

He dropped onto her, slamming his knee in the middle of her back. Shepard tried to roll sideways, to get off her belly, but he backhanded her in the side of the head. “Stay down, you bitch.” He hit her again.

“She's pregnant, you son-of-a-bitch!” She heard Garrus fighting again, and turned her head trying to tell him to stop before they shot him. Shepard bucked hard, loosening the man’s hold, and scissored her legs, flipping over and knocking him back far enough to get up. When he came back at her, she kicked him under the chin of his helmet. That time he fell and stayed down.

“Mommy?” Lenka’s panicked shriek echoed off the buildings. “Daddy!”

“Lenka!” Shepard spun toward the _Normandy_. The batarians carried the struggling child stretched between them, cursing and yelling at one another as Lenka fought like a furious tiger cub. She kicked and bit, clawing at their hands and faces, screaming and snarling at them as she fought to get loose. 

“I’m coming, baby,” Shepard cried, scrambling up. Digging in, spurred on by panic and desperation, she bolted after them. Vaguely, in her peripherals, she caught the fight going on at the _Normandy_ ’s ramp as C-Sec tried to hold back the crew. Scuffling turned to pushing then brawling as she heard armour crashing into armour.

Shepard shoved aside her concern for everyone else, keeping her focus on her daughter. Like a missile locked onto a target she ran, only one thought repeating over and over in her head.

_Save Lenka before they get away._

Her legs and back screamed louder with every stride, but Shepard forced aside the pain. 

_Save Lenka before they get away._

A car dropped down to hover a few metres ahead of the batarians, the hatch opening.

“Mommy? Help me!” Lenka’s shrieks echoed off the buildings, bring the docks to a standstill. “Daddy! Please!”

“Lenka! I’m coming, baby.” She raced toward her child, her legs obeying even as the pain in her back became white-hot knives stabbing between every vertebrae. The harder she tried to run, the slower she seemed to go, like a nightmare where the target got further and further away with every step.

“Mooommmmmmyyyyy!” Lenka spun in the woman's grip, her little arms reaching out, straining. “Mommy!” the child shrieked. “Why? Where are they taking me? Mommy!”

The batarians dove into the car while twenty impossibly long metres stretched between Shepard and her child. The admiral dug in, spurring herself to run faster. The car closed as Shepard slammed into the side of it, Garrus right next to her. She fumbled with the door release even as the car lifted off, the latch slipping out from under her fingers.

“No! Lenka!” Shepard screamed, taking a few strides after the car, but it banked and took off into the sky. “No!” Her shriek tore through the air, a piece of her heart crying out, raging at the brutal injustice of life even as it died. Three stumbling steps further, her knees gave out, dumping her onto the pavement. The rough surface peeled skin off her knees and the heels of her hands, but the new pain barely registered.

_Lenka!_

She stayed on all fours, tears coming so fast and thick that she couldn't see, hiccoughing gasps strained to get enough air into her lungs to keep her from passing out. Gentle arms gathered her close, holding her tight. She turned into Garrus, gripping his armour, clinging to him. Hands stroked her hair and rested on her shoulders, but everything felt numb as if an impermeable shield encased her. Sympathetic, comforting words rebounded off, the barrier not letting them through. She didn’t deserve them. The universe had entrusted her with a precious gift, and she’d failed to protect it.

_Lenka!_

“Come on, Shepard,” Garrus whispered, his voice hoarse and thick with tears. “Let's get you to the hospital and checked out.” He nuzzled her temple and stood. She unfolded, her entire body complaining as she asked it to move. His arm gripped her tight against his side as he set out toward the hospital. 

Someone slipped their arm around her from the other side. Swollen eyes looked up, just making out Herros's intense blue-green stare through the haze. Sorrow and anger drew his brow plates down low over his eyes, and pressed his mandibles tight to his jaw. Twin lines of tears traced slow tracks down the scarred and weathered hide. He bent to touch his brow to hers, squeezing her tight, but then loosened his grip enough that she could walk between him and his son.

The fight at the _Normandy_ continued, a seething mass of bodies locked in combat. C-Sec officers dragged Solana and Tali down the ramp, their hands cuffed in front of them. Kaidan fell to the ramp in front of the turian, a wide stream of blood flowing from a gash over his eye. Seeing that put the fight back into Sol. She elbowed the officer holding her, cracking him one in the side of the head. He responded by kneeing her in the stomach and throwing her to the ground. 

Halfway across the tarmac, Tali battled four officers. “Get off me, you . . ..” Shepard's translator let out a squawk that replaced the word Tali used. “Let go of me.” The feisty quarian wrenched a leg loose and kicked one of them in the groin hard enough to double him over. Another officer hit the quarian in the side of the head with the butt of his rifle.

Shepard screamed, a wordless bellow of rage, and broke free of Garrus and Herros, striding toward the stricken quarian, her steps speeding into a jog then a run.

“What god’s name is going on here?” Bailey raced out of headquarters, a dozen C-Sec hot on his tail. “Stand down! For god’s sake . . ..”

A gun fired, bringing the entire fracas to a lurching halt. Shepard stumbled to a stop next to Tali and bent to help her up.

“Don’t you morons know a god damned illegal order when you hear it?” Bailey shouted. “Everyone, guns on the god damned ground before I drop kick the lot of you into prison for the night.”

The docks resounded with the clatter of firearms hitting the tarmac.

Once Tali got her feet under her, she stormed up to the officer who’d hit her and punched him in the nose.

“You bitch!” He jumped at her and grabbed her arm, twisting it behind her.

Tali yelped in pain, but Bailey had him and wrenched his hand up behind him to his shoulder blade. “Get your asses into my office before I tear this arm off and beat you the entire way across the docks with it.”

Bailey looked to Tali. “Did any of these officers . . ..” He stressed the title. “. . . hurt you?”

“We had our orders, Bailey,” one protested.

“You followed orders to kidnap someone's child?” Bailey sighed and shook his head, then reached out to lay his hand on Shepard's shoulder. “I'm sorry as hell, Shepard. I’d already refused to do it, so they waited until I was off shift. I came as soon as Sparatus called me.”

She nodded. “Thanks for trying, Bailey.”

Garrus stepped up and shook the C-Sec Commander's hand. “Thanks, Bailey.” He put his arm around Shepard. “Come on, let's get to the hospital.”

Shepard pulled away and turned back to Tali, needing to make sure the quarian hadn’t been injured. “Tali, are you okay? Did they hurt you?” Shepard grasped the young woman's shoulders, looking her over for sign of injury. “They didn't breach your suit, did they?”

“Shepard!” Tali cried, her voice heavy with tears and exhaustion. She threw her arms around the admiral, hugging her tight. “Oh, Shepard! I'm sorry. I tried to hide her, but they came aboard so fast. There were so many of them.”

Shepard hugged the young woman and rubbed her back. “It's okay, Tali. You did the best you could. We all did.” She pulled back to look into Tali's eyes, and laid her hand alongside the quarian's helmet. “Thank you for trying.” She looked over her shoulder. “Thank you all for trying. It means everything to me.” Releasing Tali, Shepard swiped at the tears on her face, but new ones traced slow paths down her cheeks.

She looked down and frowned. Drops of blood gleamed slick and crimson against the black tarmac. Grasping Tali, Shepard checked the quarian for wounds. “Are you sure you're not hurt?”

Tali gasped. “Oh, _keelah_ , Shepard . . ..”

Shepard looked down, a confused scowl settling over her features. Where had all the blood come from? It stained her sweater from a hand’s width above and to the side of her navel, all the way down to the hem where thick drops fell to spatter on the ground. She pressed her hands against the stain, coming away cold and sticky-wet. Her blood. No. No, not just her blood.

“No! No, god, please, no.” She turned to face Garrus, holding out her hands like offerings.

Not just her blood. Mercy’s blood. 

Shepard lost her equilibrium and stumbled. Garrus caught her, slowing but not stopping her descent to the hard, cold ground. He held her, braced against one knee, his face frozen in an expression of horrified disbelief.

She reached up, grasping at the yoke of his armor, her fingers sliding off, leaving five bloody streaks across the silver and blue. “Garrus?” she whispered, reaching up for him again.

“Shepard! Dear Spirits.” He lifted her into his arms, and the world around her exploded into chaos. People, movement, shouting. She shook her head trying to clear it. Pain clenched its fist around her again, squeezing the air from her lungs.

“Garrus?” She gripped the yoke of his armour tight. “Garrus?”

“You're okay,” he replied, the words sounding more like a prayer than a reassurance. “You're okay. Just hold on, Shepard.”

The sky disappeared, replaced by white and blinding flashes of light. She rested her head against the hard angle of his chest.

“Someone help us.”

“Sh, Garrus,” she whispered, wondering dreamily at the slur in her words. “It’s okay.”

The darkness reached for her again, but she shoved it aside, forcing it back to watch the lights flick past overhead. Where were they going in such a hurry? 

People yelled over one another, their voices blending into a strange sort of vocal porridge. She frowned at that. Vocal porridge?

Garrus set her down on something cold and hard, a figure in white slapped something over her nose and mouth. More people, movement, voices, and lights swirled all around her, dizzying. Why couldn't they all just stay still?

The darkness came back, and this time it won.


	61. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Sixty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twas the night before Christmas.

**December 24, 2187**

“As far as I'm concerned, the council abducted my daughter and may be responsible for the murder of my unborn baby. If you don't leave, you'll find out first-hand how belligerent I can be with a gun in my talons.”

Garrus's voice broke through the darkness. Shepard stirred but didn't open her eyes.

“We just came to express our sympathy for the unfortunate turn of events . . ..” Tevos’s voice ignited a tiny spark of fury in the void at Shepard’s center, but it vanished in a curl of impotent smoke.

“You caused the unfortunate turn of events by luring us away from the ship with a meeting so you could steal our daughter. Now get out before I do something rash.” Garrus’s voice growled low and dangerous with a raw fury that Shepard couldn’t remember hearing before, not even after Sidonis. “

“Hierarch Vakarian, are you threatening--?” The sound of a heat sink being slapped into a pistol cut Valern off mid-sentence.

“Hey, Vakarian . . . come on, put that away.” Bailey's gruff but comforting voice entered the fray. “I understand, but this isn't going to help. Shepard doesn't need you locked away in a cell; she needs you here. Councillors, I think this would be an excellent time to leave.”

“Sparatus,” Garrus called. Booted talons shuffled against tile. “Thank you for trying.”

“I'm truly sorry for your loss,” the turian councillor replied, his voice heavy with regret. “A great sorrow. My thoughts will be with your family.”

“Yeah.” Loving hands stroked through Shepard's hair, and a rough mouth brushed her brow then her cheek. “Yeah.”

She knew without being told. The brilliant spark that had shone within her hours before had gone nova, leaving a cold, infinitely dense singularity behind. Crushing, soul-numbing emptiness crawled out of that void; its dark, frozen tentacles snaking through her, curling in between every cell. It poured into her chest and the back of her skull until the pressure felt as though it would blow her into tiny pieces. She kept her eyes pressed tight, tears slicking the line of her lashes, slowly leaking out to run over her skin.

Warm, gentle talons caressed her face and took her hand. “Hey,” he said, his voice soft but thick, betraying that the same time bomb threatened to take him out as well.

She squeezed his fingers, unable to find the strength or will to speak. She felt so very heavy.

Garrus let go of her hand, sliding his arms under her neck and knees, lifting her but just to move her over to the edge of the mattress. She remained limp, her eyes closed. Opening them felt like drawing back the curtain on the puppet theater. She hadn’t lost nearly enough blood to deal with the council, the batarians, Balak, and . . .. Forcing those thoughts aside, she focused on her husband. He pulled the sheets and blankets up to her neck, settling them around her. The tenderness in his actions pulled a low, thready moan from her lips.

Beside her, Shepard heard her husband removing his armour, the ceramic making a musical sound as he let it drop the last few inches onto the tile. A moment later, he lay down next to her and gathered her into his arms. He pressed his cheek against her brow.

“I don't know how yet, Shepard, but we'll get through this.” His voice broke into two, distinct, harsh sobs before he squashed them down. Still, she felt his body shaking hard and erratic against hers, his face wet where it touched her brow, and wrapped her arms around him, tucking her face against his neck.

The sharp click of boot heels entered the room.

“How's she doing?” Dr. Chakwas asked. One kind hand rested on Shepard's shoulder while another brushed her hair away from her face. “Shepard, how are you feeling?”

Shepard just curled in tighter against Garrus and tried to will herself to sleep.

Karin rubbed Shepard's back. “Are you in any pain?”

Shepard nodded, but she couldn't tell whether it was physical or just the black hole where her heart used to be sucking her in.

“I'll give you something for the pain. It’ll help you sleep. There's no rush to do anything. Just rest.” 

“How’s it going, Doc?” Garrus asked, his voice the barest of whispers.

“Too soon to tell. I’m on my way back in, now. As soon as I know anything, I’ll be back, but it’ll be several more hours. It’s best for Shepard to rest. The painkillers will help.”

The doctor moved around her for a few more minutes, then the sharp click of her tread left the room.

Shepard welcomed the heavy, numbing blanket of the drugs, curling up and letting them carry her away.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shepard dozed in and out, reality mixing with dreams in a dizzying, exhausting mockery of sleep. When the fog of the drugs lifted, she was alone.

Gingerly, she rolled over onto her back and opened her eyes. Sunlight streamed through the windows in warm, blinding rays. She closed her eyes, laying her arm over them to help block the light. Taking a deep breath, she let it out in a long sigh. The scent of wildflowers filled the room.

Endless fields of wildflowers always accompanied early summer on Mindoir. The breeze blew the scent through her window, making the soft chintz curtains flutter and snap.

“Daylight in the swamp, kitten!”

Shepard opened yearning eyes to look up at her father, drinking in the short red hair and beard glowing gold in the sunlight. He sat next to her on the bed and reached out to brush a finger over her cheek, tweaking her nose as he pulled back. She reached up, taking his hand between both of hers.

“I had the worst dream, Daddy.”

“I know, kitten.” He gave her a sad, loving smile and squeezed her hand. “It'll get better, you have to trust that. God gives us just as much sun as He does rain.”

“I had a daughter. She was beautiful and funny and sweet. She loved to draw. Had an old rag doll that had seen much better days, but she adored it.”

“Just like you and Morgan.” He nodded and brushed a strand of her long, red hair off her face. “It'll happen one day, kitten.”

She leaned up on her elbow, rolling onto her side. “Daddy, where's Mercy? Is she okay?”

He rubbed her back with a big, calloused hand. “She's got a long, hard road ahead of her, kitten. All of you do, but don’t worry. I raised a strong, beautiful, spirited woman. Whatever happens, I know you can face it.”

“I wanted to know her so badly, Daddy,” Shepard whispered, tears escaping to run down her nose, salty and slick as they dripped onto her lips. “I'm sorry,” she whispered, biting down on her top lip. She sniffed, thick and phlegmy, and shook her head.

“They're both gone, Daddy. They're both gone. What am I supposed to do?”

He pulled her into his arms, those large, farmer hands rubbing her back with a tenderness that broke down the last remnants of her walls, and she began to cry in earnest, hard, wracking sobs shaking her to her core.

“What do you need to do to be able to live with yourself?” he whispered. “What do you always do?”

Shepard nodded and sucked in a phlegmy breath. “I don’t let go, and I don’t give up. I need to stop doubting myself, so I can find Lenka and find a way to eke out some justice for my girls and for Garrus.”

Her father pulled back and smiled. “That’s my girl. Just remember, don’t become them to fight them.”

Shepard woke, the sun's rays shining in her eyes. Wincing away from the light, she rolled over, putting her back to the windows. Instead of the warm, girly comfort of her childhood bedroom, the sterile white of hospital walls pressed in on her from all sides. Wildflowers covered the counters and tables, the overflow lining the walls. Ragged posies of a hundred kinds filled cups, bottles, milk jugs--all offered to give her comfort.

Shepard stared at the ranks and ranks of what amounted to a massive outpouring of love and knew she didn't deserve it. “I didn’t protect either of them. I didn’t deserve them, but Garrus did.”

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut. “Oh, my girls. I'm so sorry.”

Footsteps crossed the floor in quick, hard strides. Strong hands lifted her, and then Garrus’ arms wrapped around her, holding her tight against him. She buried her face against his neck, her soul bleeding out all warmth, all the tears she might have shed, leaving behind only one need: exact vengeance for her daughters and then find Lenka even if she had to rip the entire planet apart to do so. The next time she stood before the council, she wouldn’t be without a gun.

_“Don’t become them to fight them.”_

Garrus stroked her hair and held her tight. “You didn't do anything to be sorry for, Shepard. Of course you deserve them. Of course you do, and they deserve to know you.” He pulled away, holding her shoulders as he tried to meet her eyes. “Shepard. I need you to just listen to me for a second.”

Releasing her shoulders in favour of cradling her neck and jaw between his hands, Garrus met and held her gaze. The warmth of his tone eased her rage, halting the glacial freeze that spread from the chasm at her center, and she looked into his eyes. Hope lived there. Sorrow, anger, pain, yes, but hope also. She frowned and reached up to grasp her husband’s face. Where did the hope come from? 

“Shepard.” The warmth of his hands thawed through the first layer of ice. “Mercy is alive.”

Shepard sucked in a thin gasp and shook her head, her hands dropping to her still distended but empty belly. “No. We were shot, right where her head--” She couldn’t finish.

Garrus nodded and nuzzled her brow. “Dr. Chakwas and the surgeons worked on her for more than ten hours, and she’s still critical, but she’s alive, Shepard.”

Nothing he said made sense. How could what he said be true. Mercy’s head always rest right where the bullet hit her. But Garrus wouldn’t lie. No. Doubt suffused her. How much of what she remembered was real? She held her hands up in front of her face. Her rings, her bonding tokens . . . where . . .? Had any of it been true?

“Garrus?”

He fished into a pocket, pulling out her jewelry. “You needed surgery too, Shepard. You lost a lot of blood. That’s why they took off your rings and _coillasi_.”

She stuck out her hand, practically thrusting her finger into her rings as he slipped them over her finger. “Mercy’s alive.” She moved to jump down off the bed.

“Yes.” He blocked her, just managing to wind the _coillasi_ around her wrists and fasten them before she got past him.

“I need to see her. Where is she?” The floor burned like ice under her bare feet, and she noticed a definite breeze blowing in the back of her gown. “I need a robe or clothes . . . no, clothes will take too long. I need a robe.”

“You need to just relax and take it easy for a moment.” Garrus bent down and picked up a pair of slippers.

“And Lenka?” Her heart clenched so tight around the memory of the car taking off with her screaming child inside that she couldn’t breathe for a second.

“Dad is searching the refugee transports with Bailey and a few of his most trusted people.” He put the slippers on her feet. “Bailey got intel that the batarians are on a ship headed for Sur’kesh, but we don’t know anything for sure.”

“But how can Mercy be alive?” Shepard shrugged into the robe he held out even as she winced away from the memory. Blood flowing from her stomach, right over where her baby’s head should be. Her hands crept up to press against her temples. Their brave little speck had survived so much.

Leaning into her husband’s side as he wrapped his arm around her, Shepard allowed a tiny ray of hope to melt through another layer of loss and anger.

The hospital personnel stopped working when Garrus led her out of her room, their stares sympathetic but uncomfortable, too intense, like nettles or the sun on burned skin.

One nurse stepped forward and took Shepard’s hand. “I’m so sorry, ma’am. Those bastards on the council should be strung up.”

It took all of Shepard’s will to stop herself from yanking her hand back. Instead, she nodded, grateful for the sentiment, if not the invasion of her space. 

“Thank you,” she said, tugging at Garrus to continue on.

“Of course, ma’am, and we’ll all do everything we can to make sure that your baby gets the very best of care.” The nurse released Shepard, but the admiral stopped and tightened her grip on the woman’s fingers. 

“Mercy Treana,” she said. “Her name is Mercy Treana.”

The nurse smiled. “That’s a lovely name.”

Shepard echoed back the expression, allowing the clouds of doubt and fear to part and the ray of hope to grow. “She picked it herself. Her sister said that since it was going to be her name, she might as well have a name she liked.” Turning so that she met every pair of eyes there, she said. “Ask questions, please, and keep your eyes open. Our other daughter, Lenka, is still here, somewhere. She’s six and batarian. She loves to colour and play with her rag doll named Jane. Please help us get her back.”

Garrus gathered her back in against his side and led her on.

“It can’t hurt, right?” she asked. She felt dizzy, disoriented, but she didn’t know whether to blame a combination of drugs and blood loss or the speed at which what she believed kept changing. “We need to have people looking.”

He squeezed her. “The more, the better.”

Shepard turned her attention to where they were going. They followed the hall past main entrance, continuing down until they reached a nursing station. A handful of doctors and nurses brushed past one another, as they went about their work, all their attention on one set of monitors above the station and one occupied incubator inside the glass.

“Shepard. Garrus.” Dr. Chakwas called out and lifted a hand to get their attention as she stepped out a door right across from the nursing station. She waved them over. “Excellent timing. We just finished checking her over and changing her bandages.” Looking Shepard over, the doctor’s face settled into a concerned scowl. “How are you feeling, Shepard?”

“Confused as hell, but grateful. I didn’t think there could be any way . . ...” She stepped up to the giant picture window. A few feet away on the other side, stood an incubator with ultraviolet decon ports, but she couldn’t see anything inside but for wires and tubes. “I need to see her, Karin.”

“Of course, come through,” the doctor said. “I can explain everything inside.”

Following the doctor through two decon grids, Shepard finally allowed herself to believe she wasn’t just dreaming. Inside, she hesitated, intimidated by the sheer number of machines and monitors involved in keeping her daughter alive. Garrus pressed a hand against the small of her back, not pushing, just supporting until her desire to see her baby overran her fear. It took less than a heartbeat.

“Oh my god.” The words sighed from her lips, although she didn’t know exactly what they referred to. She perched on the edge of the rocking chair next to the incubator and stared in awe at the gorgeous little person inside the glass. 

A tiny face peeked out from under a mass of bandages that encased her head from her eyes all the way down to include her neck. Softly coloured, almost pastel blue-grey skin shone through with blush undertones across her cheeks, chin, the end of her adorable stub nose. 

Shepard smiled up at Garrus. “She has your nose.”

He chuckled and laid a hand on the back of her neck.

Asleep, her closed eyelids highlighted a mask of severe swelling and bruising. Wires and tubes seemed to be attached everywhere, but still, she remained so very beautiful. A miracle.

“Next time I see him, my father is catching such complete crap for not telling me about this,” she whispered. “Oh my goodness, aren’t you just the most beautiful tiny person in creation.”

Shepard looked up at Karin. “Can I?”

Dr. Chakwas smiled and nodded. “Go ahead. The more you touch her, the better.”

As she reached through the port, the decon field encapsulated Shepard’s arm. Heart pounding, head light, Shepard caressed her daughter’s cheek with the back of a trembling finger. “Hello precious. Aren’t you just the cutest, tiniest little girl?”

“She’s 1305 grams,” Karin replied. “The perfect weight and size for her age.”

Careful not to disturb any wires, Shepard laid gentle fingers over the soft, warm skin of Mercy’s belly and chest. She smiled and closed her eyes as she felt the quick, fluttering heartbeat under her pinky finger. A feeling she knew asserted itself, but distilled by the loss of Lenka into something so sharp and poignant her bones ached with it. Her baby. “How’s she doing?” she asked, needing all her self control to hold her excitement at bay. “Will I be able to hold her? When can I hold her?”

“She’s hanging in there, Shepard.” Dr. Chakwas stepped up next to Shepard’s chair, moving silently. “She’s still very critical, but she came through the surgery better than I hoped. We’re stimulating stem cell reproduction to help replace the brain mass and skull lost. We were able to change her over from a heart/lung machine to a ventilator a couple of hours ago when her heart started to beat on its own.” The doctor gestured toward the bank of computers, monitors and machines. “Hopefully we can take her off the ventilator within the week. You’d already had the first steroid injections, so her lungs aren’t what concern me.”

Shepard let the doctor’s words wash over her, not paying them nearly as much attention as the beautiful little lady under her hand. She rubbed Mercy’s belly with the pad of her thumb, smiling as her baby stretched a little, her tiny, sharply formed lips opening and closing a couple of times. Mordin managed to include so many nuances, so many nods back to Garrus. 

Garrus crouched next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “She’s something, isn’t she?”

“She’s beautiful and strong, like her daddy.” Shepard kissed his cheek. 

“She’s being fed intravenously right now, but hopefully will be able to move to a feeding tube within a couple of weeks.” Dr. Chakwas stepped in and activated her omnitool, running scans. “She’ll be able to hold her own temperature within the next couple of weeks as well, if everything goes as we hope.”

Taking Mercy’s tiny, mitten-covered hand between her thumb and forefinger, Shepard looked to the doctor, the ache growing and deepening. “Is she going to be able to nurse?”

Karin sighed and deactivated her omnitool. Pulling a chair over next to Shepard, she sat and laid a hand on the admiral’s knee. “Mercy has suffered a catastrophic brain injury, Shepard. She may not be able to nurse. She may have physical and developmental delays or disabilities.” She gave them a tight, hopeful smile. “But she’s a fighter.

Leaning into Garrus, Shepard nodded, a smile growing across her face. “I heard somewhere that babies and young children generally have better prognosis with brain injuries because their brain rewires itself to compensate?” Staring in at her daughter, Shepard felt the bleak hole inside her fill halfway. “It doesn’t matter. Whatever hurdles she faces, we’ll be there to love her and help her conquer them.” 

He nuzzled Shepard’s temple. “She’s our baby. Whatever she needs, she gets. Always.”

Shepard turned to kiss him. “Always. She’s so beautiful. Our tiny miracle.”

“She’s as beautiful as her mother,” Garrus agreed. He slipped his arm through the other port and caressed Mercy’s cheeks, chin and the tip of her nose. “I could hold her in one hand,” he whispered, his voice filled with awe. 

“I can’t wait to hold her,” Shepard said.

“As soon as she stabilizes. It’s best for her to have skin to skin contact as much as possible,” Karin assured her. “Meanwhile, although I’m positive you’ll spend most of your time here, _you_ are free to go.”

Garrus looked up. “The _Normandy_ is due to leave in three days, Doc. What does that mean for Mercy?”

The doctor sighed. “That will depend on how stable she is. I have Admiral Hackett and a few colleagues searching for equipment to upgrade the _Normandy_ ’s med bay for her, but I haven’t heard back. Bottom line, I’ll do what I can to ensure that it’s safe for her to travel, but she might not be able to.”

Shepard nodded. “Then I’d have to stay.” 

“We’d both stay,” Garrus said, his voice firm.

She looked over at him. “Kaidan could take the _Normandy_ , but Lenka. It would mean . . ..” 

“We’d make sure people kept looking for Lenka,” Garrus assured her, nuzzling her cheek. “But let’s see what happens. Let’s not panic before we need to.”

Letting out a long, trembling breath, Shepard nodded, her emotions swinging back and forth between grief, fear, and joy. The only one that remained constant was love and that beautiful ache that pulled her toward the tiny life before her like gravity. She loved the gift that had been taken away, and the gift they’d been given with equal strength. How did she move if that gravity pulled her in both directions at once?

“Okay, I’m going to go get something to eat and catch a nap, but I’m a call away if you need me, and there will be a doctor right outside at all times,” Karin said. She stood, then laid her hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “I know the situation is far from ideal, but congratulations. You have a beautiful little girl.”

Shepard blinked back the tears burning her eyes. Mercy would be fine, she knew it. She had far too much of her daddy in her to give up. 

Shepard held the little hand that laid over her finger, gently stroking the arm above the tiny mitten. “You’re going to love your big sis . . ..” The empty half of the hole yawned. Shepard set her jaw and looked up at the ceiling, blinking back tears as the memory of Lenka draped over her stomach, hugging her baby sister respawned the cold, furious pressure in her chest. It swelled up into her throat, her jaw clenched so hard her teeth ached. 

Garrus sighed and hugged her. “Take it easy on yourself, Shepard.”

Taking a deep breath, she nodded and sniffed hard, forcing away the sorrow. “You’re going to love your big sister,” she repeated, her voice breaking. “She’s so excited to meet you.” Sitting back in the chair and letting some of the tension drain out of her body, Shepard gave her head a weary nod and brushed her thumb against the back of Mercy’s hand. “We’ll get her back, and she’s just going to love you to bits.”

Shepard lost track of time, sitting holding her baby’s hand. Sol brought her clothes, and she stepped out to dress, but returned right away. She’d have to head back to the _Normandy_ eventually, but until the doctor’s kicked her out, she didn’t intend to move. Apparently, Garrus had the same idea because he settled in a chair next to her, his hand resting over Mercy’s feet.

She dozed, her body still recovering from blood loss, and even more taxing, the emotional consequences of the attack. It seemed like every cell in her body throbbed, but the sensation felt more like it a million little broken hearts than stressed muscle and bone. Eventually, she drifted off.

_She stood outside a house, just an ordinary two storey, rundown, house with peeling paint and an overgrown yard. Looking around for a reason to be there, she walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. The door opened to reveal a thin batarian woman dressed in rags._

_The wretched female looked Shepard up and down then coughed into the filthy apron tied around her waist. “Yes? What do you want?”_

_Shepard shook her head, but stepped up. “May I come in?” She stared at the batarian, feeling an odd sense of familiarity._

_A pretty human ducked into the entryway. She stormed toward the door, a cane brandished in one hand. “How many times do I have to tell you how to answer the door?” The woman punctuated every other word by beating the batarian across the back. “Now, use your manners and greet our guest properly.”_

_The batarian cowered, tears of pain and humiliation streaming from all four eyes. “Please do come . . ..”_

_“Straighten up, chin high.” Crack, down came the cane again. “You’re embarrassing me!” The pretty human grabbed the batarian’s ragged shirt by the collar and yanked. For a second, the batarian made strangling noises and scrambled, but then the shirt ripped. The woman wrenched it right off and brought down the cane again. “Well? What are you waiting for? Invite our guest in.” Crack, the cane bit into the skin-covered skeleton._

_This time the batarian screamed, jolting upright. Shepard winced away from the bruises, welts, and cuts that covered the batarians naked torso._

_Shepard stepped forward. “Stop! Why . . .?”_

_“Please come in,” the wretch gasped, cutting off Shepard’s protest. Sniffing back tears, she stepped aside to let Shepard through the door._

_“Better,” the pretty woman said. She looked up and gave Shepard a sunny smile. “Mom! I didn’t know you were coming over! Come in, please.” She grabbed Shepard’s hand and dragged her further into the house. Partway into the living room, she stopped and turned back. “Where is that useless slave?”_

_“Mercy, we don’t need . . ..” Shepard started to say, but her daughter cut her off, screaming down the hall._

_“Lenka! Get in here, bring us some tea.”_

_“Lenka?” Shepard stumbled back, her heart stuttering and stalling in her chest. “No. How can it be?”_

_Mercy shrugged. “You chose me a long time ago. Just by luck I found her at that slaver’s. Imagine if someone else had purchased her? She’s a terrible slave, but she’s my sister, so I do the best I can to tolerate her.”_

“No, Lenka!” Shepard jolted awake, biting down on a scream before it tore from her throat. Her teeth snagged the end of her tongue, and she swallowed blood along with the cries of horror that bashed against her throat, trying to escape. Choking, she forced them down, battling past harsh, wracking sobs. She pulled her hand out of the incubator and scrambled upright in her chair, flailing a little as she tried to fight off the nightmarish images.

“Shepard?” Garrus crouched in front of her, taking her face between his hands. “Shepard? What is it?”

She threw her arms around his neck. The dream blasted loose a landslide of anguish. It roared through her, threatening to wash her away as it gained momentum, bashing her off submerged guilt, tumbling her over and over in its wake until she felt lost. Choking and gagging, struggling to surface from the sea of horrific images, she clung to him. “We abandoned her. Oh god, Lenka. We just abandoned her to be a slave again.”

Garrus pulled her into his arms, hugging her tight. “We’ll never do that, Shepard.” He stroked her hair and down her back, the slow, heavy caress of his hand easing her hysterical shock. “Sh. Easy now, it was just a dream. You know we’ll never give up on her.” He pulled back and reached up to dry her face. “You want to tell me about it?”

Shepard shook her head. “Lenka was a slave, because I’d chosen Mercy over her.”

Garrus sighed and pulled her back into his arms. “This is about having to stay here. Shepard, if we end up having to stay on Earth, it doesn’t mean we’re choosing Mercy over Lenka.”

She shoved herself away and jumped up. “It does, though, Garrus. If I stay here, it means giving up looking for her.” Hugging her arms tight around her waist, she strode back and forth at a frenetic pace. Guilt and love tossed her back and forth between the half that wanted to scream and cry and tear the entire planet apart looking for her one child, and the half that felt such joy and gratitude for her other child. “How can I choose?”

“Shepard. Stop for a moment. You had a nightmare. A terrible nightmare, but that doesn’t mean what you’re saying is the truth.” He stood. “Dr. Chakwas is looking into making the needed refits on the _Normandy_ , so it might not even come down to us needing to stay. It’s far too early to start piling this guilt on yourself.” 

Capturing her on the way by, he gripped her by the shoulders and ducked down to meet her eyes. “It’s okay to be happy that Mercy is alive.” He nuzzled her brow and pulled her in tight against him. “It doesn’t mean we aren’t sad and terrified for Lenka. It’ll never mean we’ve forgotten her.”

Shepard hugged him. “I’m so scared for her, Garrus.”

“I know, so am I, but Hackett just had two dozen more Alliance soldiers volunteer to help search. People are looking. We wouldn’t be any good to them anyway; we’re too recognizable. The best thing we can do right now is be here for Mercy. She needs you, but she doesn’t need you like this. She needs her strong, loving mother.” He leaned in and kissed her. “You need to be strong for her.” A long breath whistled through his nose. “And for me, Shepard. I’m . . ..”

Pulling him back into her arms, she nodded, then eased back to kiss him. “I know, Garrus, and I’m here for both of you.” She kissed him again, then pressed her cheek to his. Her husband had been edging toward somewhere dark and painful for a while. She knew the symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome as well as any long time soldier. Losing Lenka could well be the blow that put him down if they weren’t careful. She needed to suck it up and be the strength he could rely on, just as he had always been for her.

“Okay, I’m fully awake, heart rate returning to normal-ish.” She stroked her hand down the back of his neck. “You’re right. We’ll figure this out. We’ll be here for this miraculous little girl, and we’ll search the entire galaxy if necessary to find Lenka.” Letting out a long, heavy sigh, she pulled herself out of the landslide. She’d figure it out.

First things first. She looked up at Garrus and gave him a hard, determined smile. “I’ll be right back. I need to call Steve. Not another ship gets our supplies without submitting to a full search.”


	62. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Sixty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onward into the breach, dear friends.

**December 24, 2187**

"Mercy needs you both rested and healthy, Admiral," Dr. Chakwas said, shooing Shepard and Garrus out of the NICU. "She needs her rest as well. Go, shower, get some sleep. You needn't worry, I'll be here the entire night."

"Emotional blackmail is what it is," Shepard groused as she pushed the NICU door open and stepped out into the hall. "What the . . .?" Shepard looked to one of the two nurses at the station. "Have been invaded?" At least a dozen Marines decked out in full tactical gear lined the hall, leaving barely enough room to squeeze by.

The petite woman let out a grumbling sigh and shrugged. "Apparently. They showed up about an hour ago. They're at all the exterior doors as well."

Shepard turned to one of the Alliance soldiers. "What's going on, Private?"

Cutting a quick, neat salute that Shepard answered without nearly as much starch, the young woman stuttered. "C . . . cultists keep trying to get into the hospital, ma'am. They say they need to know if their scion is alive. Some say they can heal her." She gestured at the Alliance personnel down the hallway. "Admiral Hackett has guards set here and outside all the doors, as well as at the _Normandy_ , ma'am."

Shepard let out a long, grumbling breath. "Cultists? Let me guess, Apostles of the Blessed Scion?" She answered the soldier's nod with a tight smile. "Thank you."

She saluted again. "Proud to serve, Admiral Shepard. We'll keep your little one safe."

After returning that salute more crisply, Shepard turned to Garrus. They shared a dubious glance and hurried down the hallway to check the situation out for themselves. Shepard stalled as she looked out the front doors into a snowstorm and chaos. More Marines armed with riot shields formed a wall across the doors to keep a surging, screaming and clawing mass of people in white and gold robes at bay.

"What the hell?" she whispered, looking at Garrus. "Did we miss the rabid zombie apocalypse?"

"These crazies again. I thought Hackett had arrested them all." Garrus stepped up to the door. "There's got to be a hundred of them out there." He sighed and reached up to rub the back of his neck. Glancing in the direction of the other exits, he shifted from foot to foot a little.

Shepard stared at the Apostles for a couple of minutes, flipping back and forth between the beginning of a plan scratching at the back of her mind and crippling, surreal dread. An Apostle spotted her and shouted. In a heartbeat, the robed crowd stormed the guards, climbing on top of them or between their legs, trying to get in.

"My god, it's one of Kenneth's horror movies," she said, backing away. The zombies threw themselves at the doors, beating at the glass. "Oh no, you're not getting near my baby, you bastards." Tearing her eyes from the door, she looked up at her husband. In that moment, the horror pulled back just enough to allow the plan room to grow and work its way forward.

"We can use this," she said, her voice soft. She reached out and snagged Garrus's hand. "Come on, we'll call Bailey and Hackett and grab Dr. Chakwas. I have an idea."

Twenty minutes later, the five of them took seats in a small lounge just behind Mercy's room. Shepard didn't need to ask the C-Sec commander or Admiral Hackett to know that the search for Lenka wasn't going well. Their expressions broadcast the answer as obviously as if it had been tattooed across their foreheads. She hadn't expected anything else. Earth provided endless places for Lenka's captors to hide. Searching would never bear fruit, not without forcing the batarians into a corner.

"Mercy has to die," Shepard said, her voice low. The words sent a scalding shudder trickling down her spine.

Garrus cocked a brow plate at her. "Shepard?"

"We use the cultists to our advantage." She lifted a hip onto the corner of one of the desks. "Balak told me that I'd face the Trial of Innocent Sacrifice next. He didn't mean Mercy. He thinks Mercy is his scion, his great saviour. He meant Lenka." Her arms crossed, shielding her chest. "The entire trial was about forcing me to choose, but it backfired on him."

"He's the one pulling the strings behind the council," Garrus added. "He has to be."

Shepard waggled her head a little. "He is, but only because of who's pulling his strings. With everything he told me, I can only think of one group able to pull off everything he's been able to do."

Understanding dawned over Garrus's face. "Leviathan." He turned, stalking to the door and back. "They can indoctrinate. Who knows what sort of resources they have at their disposal, or if their technology would have been affected by the Crucible?"

Shepard nodded. "We removed the only obstacle stopping them from returning to their position as the apex species. However, we can't do anything about them at the moment. Nor even Balak. There's no way he's on Earth." She stood, pacing slowly, her hands filing her thoughts as she spoke. "But Lenka is, and just maybe we can use those indoctrinated crazies to help us find her."

Hackett frowned. "How? They lied to us when we were trying to find you, Shepard. Why would they tell us the truth this time?"

"They won't. I'm almost positive they're indoctrinated, but that doesn't mean they can't be useful." Shepard gave him a single, clipped nod, then held him in a vicegrip stare. "I'm a Spectre, and Balak's organizations are both terrorist threats, regardless of who they're backing. I can't allow him to operate with impunity." She waited, judging Hackett's resolve and investment. It took a moment to see the switch click over from 'appease the council' to 'to hell with the council'. She gave him a small, respect-filled smile. "Can we get the _Normandy_ outfitted for Mercy?"

Hackett nodded but looked to Bailey, who answered. "We found most of what Dr. Chakwas wanted in a couple of hospitals on Shalta and Zakera Wards." The commander shifted, looking uncomfortable about raiding hospitals for equipment that someone might need. Shepard pushed it aside. The hospitals could have all the equipment back in six months, long before people moved back onto the Citadel. Bailey cleared his throat. "I have techs pulling it out now, but I don't know how soon we can get it moved or if we'll be able to figure out how to integrate everything into the _Normandy_."

Shepard looked to Garrus, and he nodded. "I'll get our engineering people on it. We can shuttle the equipment down ourselves." He closed the metre or so between them, his hand lifting to her shoulder, but not quite making contact. "So, you want to get med bay ready for Mercy, move her over and then announce that she didn't make it?"

Shepard nodded. Her plan could work. Abject failure remained a probability, but better that than sitting around waiting for something to fall in their laps. "Announce at the same time that we'll be searching the refugee fleet for Lenka. Hopefully, the batarians will take shelter with the Apostles while we are very visibly searching the fleet."

"And follow the Apostles back to their lairs once they don't have any reason to haunt the hospital?" Bailey finished.

Shepard turned to face him. "Exactly. The real raids." She shrugged. "If not, we could search the fleets in space, but we're limited in manpower and overwhelmed by how easy it is to hide someone as small as a child on a transport ship. She could be hidden in a crate, moved to stay ahead of our search teams. . .." A strong, quick exhale through her nose accompanied a firm head shake. "No, if this doesn't work, we lose six months in transit."

Looking up at Dr. Chakwas, Shepard arched an eyebrow. "Doc? This hinges on you, in the end-on whether you can safely move Mercy and manage to pull off her death." Lifting her hip onto the desk again, she waited for the doctor to think it through.

The doctor shook her head, her face clearly broadcasting her doubts. "I don't want to understate how fragile your daughter is, Shepard. Even if we can get the equipment we need installed on the _Normandy_ , transferring her is going to be incredibly delicate."

Shepard softened, dropping the hard edges. "If it risks her, we don't do it, period. If we can install the equipment she needs, we do it right. You're in charge all the way. If we can't get Lenka back this way, we'll come up with a plan that doesn't risk Mercy." She met and held the doctor's gaze, trying to communicate her complete dedication to Mercy's welfare. The doctor's expression reassured her that she didn't need to. "I won't risk one for the other, either way."

"Let's see if we can get the equipment we need and install it, first," Dr. Chakwas said. "Plan what you can, and we'll see what we can do." She walked over to Shepard and took the admiral by the shoulders. "Go get a few hours sleep. I'll let you know if anything changes." The doctor headed out the door.

After the door shut behind the Karin, Shepard turned to Bailey. "Do we know how I got shot? Was it an accident, a gun going off during the brawl?"

Bailey took a deep breath, his shoulders slumping a little as he let it out with a low, rumbling mutter. "It was the officer who tackled you."

Garrus jumped up. "What? He fired on her in cold blood?"

Shepard reached out, taking her husband's hand, easing him back. "Did he have anything to say for himself?"

"He was one of only three batarian C-Sec agents. Said it was retribution. I have him in lock up charged with two counts of attempted murder. As soon as we can organize it, he'll be tried."

Shepard nodded, but Garrus stepped forward, pulling against her hand. "The council sent a batarian?" He turned to look into Shepard's eyes. "They knew. They were trying to get you killed."

Sighing, Shepard stood and took his hands. "We'll find a way to hold the council accountable, Garrus. For now, let's go get some sleep. I know you haven't rested since this started." She reached up and caressed his face and down his neck, meeting and holding his gaze, asking with her eyes what she couldn't say in front of the other two men. After a second, some of the tension drained from his shoulders, and he nodded, squeezing her fingers.

"We'll throw the freaks back from the side entrance so you two can make a break for the _Normandy_ ," Bailey announced, heading for the door. "Be ready when the way is clear."

"Thanks, Bailey," Shepard stood. She saluted Admiral Hackett. "Is Sparatus back aboard the _Normandy_?" She acknowledged his nod with one of her own. "Good, we need to keep the one sane councillor safe. Thank you both, for everything."

"I'll bring our engineers up to speed," Garrus told Bailey, his words halting the commander at the threshold, "and have them coordinate with your people on the Citadel." He walked over and shook the commander's hand. "Thanks for all your help, Bailey. It's appreciated." He held his arm out to Shepard then guided her from the room.

Shepard stopped at the big window and looked in at Mercy for a moment. She smiled, able to just see one tiny arm as it stretched. She pressed her fingertips to the glass, willing her daughter to feel her touch. "Goodnight, sweetness. See you in a few hours." Setting her shoulders, she spun on her heel, each footfall feeling like a tiny death.

"She'll be safe," Garrus said, his voice soft and sounding as though he reassured himself as much as her. "These are all Hackett's most trusted people."

Shepard leaned into his side a little. "I know." She shrugged. "I just want to spend every minute with her." Tapping a gentle elbow against his side, she smiled. "I know that you do too. Curse Karin for her logic and good advice. Rest. Who needs rest?"

He rewarded her with a wan smile. "I could sleep. I feel like I've been put through a rock crusher."

They stopped just inside the second set of doors at the side of the building. The _Normandy_ stood about a hundred metres away, the route between providing cover by way of a k-rail and chain link barricade for most of the way. If Bailey could get the cultists away from the doors, they should be able to get to the _Normandy's_ barricade without being harassed.

"Didn't think I'd ever be grateful for the Apostles," Garrus said, his voice soft, "but I think your plan has a good chance of working. It's definitely our best chance of finding Lenka before we leave the planet."

"I hope so." Shepard stepped forward as Bailey and a large squad of mixed Alliance and C-Sec rounded up the Apostles, moving them toward the front of the hospital. She hurried through the first set, hesitating just long enough inside the outer doors to make sure the Apostles were out of sight before she stepped outside.

Snow drifted down, coating her with its melancholy beauty, melting sorrow into her with every flake. "Lenka loves the snow," she whispered. Looking up she closed her eyes and waited, making a silent wish as a snowflake alighted on the end of her nose.

_"Please let her know we're coming for her,"_ she prayed, reaching out to a power she hadn't believed in for a very long time. _"Let her know we're coming, so she won't be as afraid, and keep her safe. Please, please keep her safe."_

"Come on, let's get to the _Normandy_ , before they find a way past Bailey," Garrus said, pulling her against his side. He felt rigid and unyielding as she curled her arm around him, a marble effigy of her husband.

Shepard looked up into his face. He'd closed himself off to her, his eyes only making contact for a second at a time. "Garrus?" Dread crept through her. The past couple of days had stripped away the last of his insulation, leaving him a seven-foot, raw nerve.

As she stepped up onto the _Normandy's_ ramp, Shepard felt as though she tore through reality to slip into a void between universes. Both universes occupied the same time and space, but one gravitated around Lenka, the other around Mercy. Trapped between them, she hung suspended, frozen and airless, unable to move.

"Shepard?" Garrus's voice travelled across the light years and between dimensions. He turned to her, his hand reaching out. As it touched her, air rushed into the void, and she inhaled. Warmth flowed through the contact, thawing her out enough to take one step and another and another until they reached their cabin.

Garrus released her at the end of the bed, moving to strip off his armour. Shepard fixated on him, trying to ignore the toys and pictures calling to her from the table, unsure if she could face all those reminders of Lenka. Not that everything around them didn't remind her. The smell in the room, the way her giggles still seemed to echo through the air . . ..

Garrus cursed, his shaking talons fumbling with his armour. Shepard took his hands in hers, squeezing them before placing them on her waist, and undoing the seals for him. As she unfastened each stay, he yanked the components loose with a ferocity that startled her. He threw them aside, and when he was free, he sat, pulling her onto his lap. Shepard wrapped herself in tight, holding him against her. Despite the reassuring hand that stroked her hair, she felt the cool wet of his tears on her skin as he turned his face into the curve of her neck. They held one another for a long time, saying nothing.

Eventually, despite not knowing if emptiness would ease, it did, and she pulled back a little. Garrus reached up and brushed her face with loving, gentle thumbs. Leaning in, she kissed his brow, then rested her forehead against his.

Bracing herself, Shepard finally looked at the coffee table, its surface covered in toys and colourful, joyous works of art. She stood, reaching for the sad little rag doll that Lenka had brought off the wreck with her. Shifting to sit on the bed next to Garrus, she ran her fingers over the ratty hair and straightened the bows.

"Hi, Jane," she whispered.

She took a shuddering breath, then hugged it against her. "Before we leave this planet," she said, her voice soft, "I want proof that those people are with TPR. I want proof that Pazness sold out to terrorists, and I want Emily Wong in these quarters. We might not have been able to stop them, but we can sure as hell make sure it brings the whole lot of them down."

Knuckles rapped at the door. Shepard looked to Garrus, not wanting to see or talk to anyone at the moment.

"Who is it?" Garrus called.

"It's us," Herros answered.

"Dad, we're..." Garrus sounded older and more weary than she could remember him sounding. Her heart ached with it.

"I know, Garrus. Let us in?"

Shepard shrugged. What did it matter?

"Come in."

The door opened to let Herros, Sol and Kaidan through. Herros walked down to the bed, stopping just in front of them. He ran a hand over both their heads, then bent to touch his brow to Garrus's and then Shepard's. Sol crouched down and wrapped them both in a hug, then joined her father on the couch. Kaidan bent to kiss Shepard's cheek before sitting next to Sol, his arm circling her waist.

Shepard's tears dried as she looked across at her family, all of them drawn and sad. They appeared lost, as uncertain about what to feel and how to act as she felt. After a moment, she realized that they were all looking to her. Why? Why did everyone always look to her?

_"Because,"_ a gruff voice whispered inside her head, _"despite everything you've been through, all the sacrifices you've made, you've never lost the core of who you are, kitten."_

What was that core? What was it that everyone kept looking to her to find?

As she realized the answer, Shepard felt the universes revolving around each of her daughters converge and solidify, pulled together by that grand, unifying force: hope.

Like a match rekindling a pilot light, hope blazed anew inside her-the well she thought drained by the war, filling. Her daughters needed her, her husband needed her, her family and crew needed her, and she'd be there for them. Hope was an infinitely renewable resource. She took a deep breath and wrapped a supportive arm around Garrus.

Sol smiled and picked up one of the pictures on the table. "Lenka was telling us about this one while we were out. Said it was some super-secret project for the two of you." She sighed and ran her talons over the untidy work. "Spirits, I hope they're good to her."

A soft whisper of a smile settled onto Shepard's face as she remembered Lenka's first days aboard. "She didn't even know what to do with crayons just after we found her. She thought they were too pretty to ruin by using them." Reaching up to caress her husband's cheek, she smiled into eyes. "She picked it up right away, though."

"Yeah, once she got onto it," Garrus said, his mandibles spreading and giving a soft flutter, "we had to hide them at night, or we'd wake up to find her sitting at the table, drawing away."

"It helped her with the nightmares," Shepard said. "Drawing them out allowed her to let them go." She sighed, her hand massaging the seam of the last plate on Garrus's side. "She hasn't woken us up at night in months, and it used to be three or four times a night."

"You two allowed her to let them go," Kaidan spoke up, as Sol laid her head in the curve of his shoulder. "She said no monster was strong enough to withstand your hug power."

Shepard felt a tremor pass through Garrus's rigid posture and turned to wrap her arms around him, the rag doll still clutched in her hand. As he turned his face into her shoulder, she caressed his neck, her eyes staying dry, her resolve intact.

Kaidan paled. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I didn't . . .."

Shepard looked up to meet the Major's worried stare and smiled. "No, Kaidan, don't be. She's a precious gift, and we're getting her back regardless of how long it takes. I'll tear the universe apart molecule by molecule if that's what I have to do to find her."

"We'll leave you to rest," Herros said, his voice soft. "We just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. We're here when you need us." He stood, the weariness and sorrow showing through his proud bearing. "You two gave her eight months of joy, love, and safety. That will see her through this trial. Trust that."

He hesitated. "As for the other treasure . . ." He just shook his head and held his hand out to Shepard, pulling her into his arms when she took it. "What that man did is a tragedy that will never make sense, but don't turn this in against yourself. Don't you dare do that. You were trying to protect your child. What that bastard did . . .. Mercy will find justice, and she'll have all the love she needs to see her through her trials as well."

Shepard nodded, hugging him tight. "Don't worry, Dad. Mercy's going to be fine. How could she be anything else with so many people to love her?" She chuckled. "If we manage to get her moved aboard, I foresee med bay being the most crowded cabin on the ship."

He pulled back and took her face in gentle talons. "When I first heard about you, I had no idea that the warrior behind all the stories would possess such a beautiful soul."

She replied with a genuine, if weary, smile.

He bent to touch brows, then pulled away. Solana and Kaidan both hugged her and followed Herros out.

Shepard returned to sit on Garrus' lap. "I..." She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "I'm suddenly really tired."

"Dad's right, Shepard. You were just trying to protect our child." He shook his head. "I should have..."

She pulled back just far enough to kiss him. "Dad's words apply to you too, Garrus." She stroked his neck and pressed her brow against the side of his head. "Yesterday was one long dose of insanity, but we both did all we could. While the council has been uncooperative and unsupportive, we had no reason to believe they'd go around us that way. Thank you for protecting me so well."

He turned and nuzzled her, but she felt the blame he placed on himself. He shifted and changed the subject. "I've got to send a message to Steve and the engineering staff, then let's just get into bed and try to get some sleep."

She nodded and kissed him. "Yeah. We've got a couple of very long days ahead. I love you, Garrus. No matter what happens in our lives, that is a fixed mark you can always count on." She looked into his eyes and smiled. "Hey. We have the most amazing, beautiful little baby girl in the entire galaxy, and she's going to be better than fine, Garrus. She's going to be so very loved." She brushed his brow and nose with her fingertips.

He stripped his undersuit off his upper body, then held her tight, his brow resting against her temple. "I love you, Shepard, and I love our girls." He took a long, wavering breath. "I need them both."

She pulled back and kissed him. "I promise you," she whispered, her lips brushing his skin, "I'll get Lenka back. I swear on my life that I'll get her back for you." She stood, pulling him up behind her. "Go send your message."

They changed and climbed into bed, just holding one another close.

"It's all going to be fine," Shepard whispered, just before the warm caress of Garrus's hand on her back lulled her to sleep. "It's all going to work out just fine."


	63. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Sixty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voices from the past in an uncertain present.

**December 25, 2187 2100 hours**

Shepard climbed over the broken wall and stood on top, staring down through thick, tarry darkness at yet another desolate street. Shattered, burned out husks of buildings loomed on both sides, their gaping, empty eyes glaring down at her. Heavy shadows draped over everything, pooling in corners, and slithering between piles of rubble. Movement in her peripheral vision drew her gaze, keeping her restlessly scanning the ruins but finding nothing. Nothing but the blank, accusing stares of bare windows and open doorways.

_“Where were you?”_ they demanded. _“What took you so long? Where were you when the Reapers rounded up our families and melted them down or turned them into monsters?”_

She shuddered and hunkered down, hugging herself a little as the wind whistled through the empty buildings, the sound bringing to mind the shriek of banshees in the distance. How did the Apostles live out there amongst the dead, surrounded by the ghosts of the world that was? Six impossibly long minutes lay between her position and getting off the shuttle. Six minutes that only one thought made tolerable. 

_Lenka might be here._

The wind picked up, howling lost and mournful, something . . . a broken pipe maybe . . . let out a tremulous whistle

“Shepard?” Garrus whispered from just behind her right elbow. The tremors through his subvocals triggered her inner alarm.

“I hear it, Garrus,” she replied, keeping her voice as calm and reassuring as she could manage. “It’s just the wind.” Taking a deep breath, she shoved her shoulder blades together with such force that her spine cracked. “And our imaginations.”

“I wish we were doing this during the day.” He pushed in on her and gripped her fingers, 

Turning a little to face him, Shepard grunted in agreement. She narrowed her eyes, studying him, looking for any warning signs. He looked shaken, but present, and nodded in response to her unspoken inquiry. 

She turned back to the ruins. “Bailey, you in position?” Lifting her binoculars, Shepard scanned the south end of the block. A scout crept through the detritus, keeping to the shadows as she moved in to check the Apostle sentry locations. Just behind her, staggered along the edge of the buildings, Bailey’s team moved in as well.

“Five minutes out, Shepard,” the C-Sec commander responded.

“Roger that. I’ve got eyes on you. Moving to the north infiltration point. Shepard out.”

Motioning for the squad to move out, she dropped down off the top of the wall and began picking her way down the street.

Reaper corpses, what little meat remained after their transformation having rotted away, lay strewn everywhere. Shepard stared down at a Marauder, wondering if it had once been someone’s bond-mate or father. It had certainly been someone’s son. The almost blasphemous obscenity of what the Reapers had done to their victims sent a surge of acid boiling up from Shepard’s stomach. Choking a little as it burned the back of her throat, she grabbed her bottle of water and took a few swallows. Using the last mouthful to rinse away the sour burn, she spat it out. 

Shaking off the sudden desire to bury all the victims, to somehow see them finally set to rest, Shepard forced herself to focus on the task at hand. The living mattered. Lenka mattered. The dead . . . well, it was too late for the dead. 

She glanced over at Garrus again, frowning as he paused over the Marauder. Clearing her throat, she got his attention and nodded forward, raising her eyebrow in a silent question. He nodded in response and moved up, but his eyes scanned the ruins without resting, his rifle darting toward every sound. Damn, she shouldn’t have brought him. Not that she would have been able to stop him, but with his flashbacks . . .. She should never have brought him back into that nightmare-scape.

Ahead the scout motioned them to halt before creeping ahead, staying low and sticking to heavy cover. Five minutes passed. Shepard listened to Garrus’s breathing speed up and crept over to him.

“Hey, big guy,” she whispered. “How are you doing?” She took his face between her hands and stared into his eyes. “You with me, here?”

“I’m okay,” he replied, too quickly, his gaze darting to the shadows. “It’s just creepy as hell out here.” He brushed a hand down the back of his neck and pulled away. “It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel over.” Cracking his neck, he turned to stare at a mouldering pile of decaying Brute. “Why are they still here?” He took a few steps toward the corpse. “They’re everywhere, aren’t they? Even when we get to Palaven, these abominations are going to haunt the planet like _morumplacus_.”

“They’re just machinery now, Garrus,” Shepard whispered. One hand lifted as if to reach out to him, but stalled, an uncertain entreaty hanging between them.

His head jerked in a short, curt nod. “What’s taking him so long?” He spun back around, turning his back on the monstrosity, though she could see that he never really turned his back to it. “We need to keep moving.” He stepped around her hand, not letting it touch him, but she could tell the reason had nothing to do with her. The energy coming off him shivered with tension. He was an elastic about to snap.

“Maybe we should go back,” she said, keeping her voice soft. She felt the knife’s edge he walked, and knew it wasn’t a matter of if but when he slipped. “Bailey can handle the raid without us.”

“I need to do this, Shepard.” He walked to the corner and peered around. “I can’t let it win.”

Following him, she leaned against a k-rail. “It’s not about winning, Garrus. It’s about stepping away when we need to.”

The scout returned. “Their base is around the corner to the right and three buildings down on the left side of the street. Sentries on the corners of the roof, but no weapons that I saw.”

“No, I don’t think they carry weapons,” Shepard replied. “Okay . . ..”

From somewhere off to their right dogs began to howl. Judging from the number and how close together, it must have been a pack of ferals. A shiver of terror danced icy fingers down Shepard’s spine, sinking claws in just above her pelvis.

“Okay, let’s go.” Shepard reached up for her radio. “Bailey, move in from your end. I’m . . ..”

“Shepard!” Garrus yelled, dashing into the street. “”Banshees incoming on all sides! Damn it! I knew it.” He ran twenty metres down the block and ducked in behind a k-rail. “Concussive blast ready.” Ducking out of cover, he let off a concussive round at something only he could see.

“Shepard? What the hell are you people firing at?” Bailey hissed. He ran forward, moving in on the base from the south. “Shepard. What the hell is going on? Shit! They’re scattering.”

Shepard hesitated for less than a heartbeat. “Go ahead, Bailey. Take over, raid it now before they have a chance to escape. I’ll go after Garrus. He’s hallucinating, I’ve got to get to him before he hurts someone.” She didn’t wait for an answer, but turned to her squad. “McDonald, you’re squad leader. Go ahead, follow Bailey’s lead.”

“Ma’am?” the Marine glanced toward Garrus. “You sure you don’t need . . .?”

“Now, quickly, before the Apostles scatter. Go. I can handle Garrus.” She turned and raced down the street after her husband, not bothering to take cover. 

Garrus leaned out of cover down the block and opened fire. “They’ve got Brutes, Shepard. Spirits, there are so many of them. Coming in from all sides.”

Shepard hit the k-rail next to him. “Garrus, listen to me. There’s no one there.”

He didn’t acknowledge her, just sending an overload out into the rubble, then opening fire again.

“Garrus. Garrus!” Shepard placed a hand on his shoulder. 

He spun toward her, eyes wide, pupils constricted to pinpricks, showing no sign of recognition as he rolled away from her. “Damn it, Shepard. They’ve flanked me. Where are you?” He swung the butt of his rifle around, aiming for her head. 

Shepard ducked just in time, deflecting most of it with her arm. Throwing her shoulder into him, she drove him to the ground. His assault rifle came to bear, but she rolled over onto it. Wincing at his bellow of pain, she flipped onto her stomach, keeping his arm trapped under her, and wrenched the rifle out of his grip. She flung it as far as she could, but it imbalanced her, and he bucked her off.

Somersaulting into a crouch, Shepard spun around to face him, her arms held out away from her body. “Garrus, it’s me, Shepard. Please listen, love. The war is over. What you’re seeing isn’t real. It’s a memory.”

“Shepard! Where are you, damn it?” Searching for a way out, he bolted to a phone box, pressing his back against it. “Are the missiles ready to fire?” He pulled his pistol and leaned out, firing off an entire sink. “Shepard? Come in. Are the missiles ready to fire?”

The first two rounds hit Shepard’s shields before she could bolt for cover. Leaping over heaved and torn up pavement, she ran for cover behind a tank. “Oh shit,” she gasped, looking out. Garrus rolled across the open area, moving to flank her on the right. She raised her fingers to her ear, opening a channel. “Garrus, this is Shepard. Garrus, do you hear me?” Maybe the best way to break him out of the flashback lay in letting it play out.

“Shepard, where are you? I’m cut off, surrounded by enemy troops. I count four brutes and five, maybe six banshees. Marauders incoming.” He circled the tank, sticking to cover. At least that gave her a slight advantage. 

“I’m in cover behind the tank at your ten. I’m taking some friendly fire, big guy.” She peeked out. “Got eyes on me, now?”

He glanced over the top of a barricade. “Roger that.” He disappeared behind the k-rail again. “Are the missiles ready to fire? Is the damn Reaper close enough?”

“It is. Missiles are ready to fire. Just waiting for word from EDI.” She ducked around the far side of the tank. The city felt vacuous. Not just empty, but absent. No, not absent, haunted, as if everything Garrus could see played out around her in spirit form. She tore her eyes away from the cavernous storefront windows, seeing movement through them, movement that threatened to solidify before her. She swallowed the feeling that she and Garrus were the last two living things in a universe populated by the dead and the damned, and hit her radio. “I’m moving up the far side of the tank. Check your fire and keep an eye on my six. I need covering fire to get to the missiles.” 

“Roger that, Shepard. Brute incoming on your nine.” Bullets sliced through the darkness, the deep, harsh bark of his pistol replaced by the staccato, metallic ring of his Mattock. Damn, he’d retrieved it. 

“Shepard?” Bailey called. “What the hell? Taking fire here, and not from the Apostles.”

“Get your people inside, Bailey. Focus on the damned raid, and keep your heads down. I’ll have this under control in a minute.” She sighed and glanced out. “I hope.” She closed that channel and opened one to the _Normandy_. “Joker. We’re in trouble here. Garrus is hallucinating the fight to get the Reaper destroyer down. I need you to find the recordings from that night, when EDI fired on it and pipe it straight into our radios. I can’t snap him out of it. Hopefully finishing the fight will.” 

She edged along the tank, her toes scraping furrows through the thick layer of ash and dust. The wind and her movement sent plumes of ash billowing up under her nose, wraiths that carried the stench of a burning city.

“Roger that, Shepard. What do you want, just where you fired and it went down?” the pilot asked, his voice serious.

“Yeah. I’m moving up to a ruined tank, will squawk when I reach it, then just play her saying they’re ready to fire and go from there.”

“Yes, ma’am. Getting it ready now.”

Shepard added Garrus into the channel with Joker. “Okay, Garrus, I’m making my break for that tank now.”

“I’ve got your six, Shepard.” The certainty and strength returned to Garrus’s voice, once more the soldier who’d never faltered nor allowed a moment of doubt to creep into his voice, no matter the odds. She found she’d missed it in the endless grey quagmire of their lives since the war. War was painted in black and white. Garrus excelled at black and white.

She dodged out, glancing over to his position, but he watched her with recognition instead of that blank-eyed terror. As she moved through the ruined street, the darkness and shadows tight around her, the ghosts of that night pressed close, thick and suffocating. Enemies converged on them from every angle. Banshees shrieked, Brutes charged through gaps that had been open the moment before, Marauders peppered her shields with bullets. She rolled, ducking behind a k-rail to avoid a warp that existed only in her mind.

“Damn it,” she gasped, getting back up and moving forward. “Neither one of us should be out here.” She squawked the _Normandy_ as she ran up behind the tank.

The horrible buzzing roaring thrum of a nonexistent laser blast from the Reaper destroyer tore through her mind. Banshees screamed, husks roared, and from everywhere, the thunder of gunfire pounded in her head.

_“Commander,_ ” EDI called through the radio, _“the destroyer is in range. Missiles are ready to launch.”_

“Roger that, EDI,” she called back.

_“Targeting is online. Reaper is within range.”_

Shepard felt a bolt of pain sear through her at the AI’s unflappable, efficient voice. She’d missed it. “Firing!” she yelled, then ran for cover without even thinking about it.

Major Coats’s voice called out, _“It’s going down!”_

“Hit ‘em with everything you’ve got,” Shepard heard her own voice yell over the radio. The voice of another lifetime. She stood and walked over to Garrus. He stood facing the beam, confusion on his face. 

_“Destroyer terminated,”_ EDI’s voice called out of the past.

Garrus turned to look at her. “Shepard?”

“Thanks, Joker,” Shepard said. “We’ve got him back.” 

“Roger that. _Normandy_ , out.”

She reached out for her husband’s hand. “And thanks, EDI.” She jerked her head toward the Apostle base. “Let’s go help them clean up and see if our daughter is there.”

Garrus stared at the rifle in his hand for another moment, then hung it up. “Yeah.” He nodded and took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. “Yeah.” The look on his face said he had no idea what had happened, but she didn’t think that was the time to talk about it. She didn’t want to push either one of them any closer to that head space while the ghosts of the war pressed so close.

“Come on.” Shepard held out her hand, holding his in a tight grip when he took it, and together, they picked their way through the dead city.

A host of lanterns and candles lit up the Apostle base. Who knew where they managed to get them all, but at that moment, all Shepard cared about was the fact that the covered windows shut out the haunted cityscape, and light filled every corner.

“Shepard!” Bailey strode up to her. “We’ve searched the building basement to roof, no sign that the batarians were here. We’re picking up everything we find to see if we can find out where she is.” He glanced over at Garrus who stood off to one side, looking shell-shocked. “He okay?”

“No.” Shepard looked up through the ruined honeycomb of the Apostles’ home. The floors had all caved in through the center of the building, but the inhabitants had cobbled together ramps, stairs and ladders between levels. Bolts of fabric, sheets, and tarps separated the spaces, each filled with furniture salvaged from the wreckage. It felt oddly like a cathedral with the candles soaring up through the many storeys, the robed inhabitants gathered into fervent clusters, mumbling prayers. It felt oddly homey--hushed, peaceful, and calm. Damn, she needed to get out before she started calling herself the vessel.

She focused on the C-Sec commander. “Tell me she was never here, Bailey. Tell me that we didn’t alert them, and they took off.”

He just shrugged and shook his head. “We got in here pretty fast, Shepard, but I can’t say anything for sure. You know that.” He gripped her shoulder. “Take him home, get the doc to check him out. I’ll let you know what we find and what the other teams report.”

Shepard sighed and shook her head, defeat pressing down hard. “Okay.” A glance at Garrus confirmed Bailey had it right. Her husband needed to get back into familiar territory and ground himself. “If you see any spheroid artifacts . . . black, but opalescent . . . shoot them. Blow them to hell without hesitation. Yeah?”

He nodded. “Understood.”

Shepard raised her fingers to her ear and called Steve to bring the shuttle right in on their position. She didn’t want to take Garrus back out into the darkness. 

“Thanks for your help, Bailey.” She gave him a tight smile and a sharp nod, then turned to find her husband’s eyes fixed on her. A soft sigh escaped as she walked over to him.

“Did they find anything?” he asked, glancing nervously over at the closest cluster of Apostles.

“No, love. She wasn’t here. Bailey is going over everything with a fine-toothed comb and will call us if he or the other teams find anything.” She nodded toward the exit. “Come on, let’s get back to the _Normandy_.”

He stalked past her, managing to look both furious and miserable at the same time. Taking a steadying breath, she followed. On the shuttle, she sat next to him, but left space between them, knowing that smothering him would just make things worse. He needed time to sort through what happened.

“I have a blank place in my head between standing up on that wall and being down on the street, Shepard,” he said, his voice barely registering over the shuttle’s ambient noise. “Or, it’s mostly blank. There are flashes of banshees, fighting.”

Leaning back in the seat, Shepard nodded. “You had a flashback, Garrus. The worst one to date. You thought we were back fighting to bring the destroyer down.” She let out a long, noisy breath. “Neither one of us should have been out there. I certainly wasn’t immune. I found myself taking cover and hearing the banshees.”

“I heard EDI.”

“Yeah.” Her head bobbed a little. “I couldn’t snap you out of it. I figured the best bet was to play it through to the end. Had Joker pipe the recording through to our radios”

He cursed. “I’m sorry, Shepard.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.” Her hand hovered over his knee for a moment without making contact. “We need to start giving your PTSD the respect it deserves, though.” She turned to look into his eyes, cutting off his protest. “It’s not weakness. You and I both know that. The weak ones break. The strong ones pack it down and fight through it, but it’s got to come out.” She held her hand out, waiting for him to take it. “You’re the strongest person I know, Garrus.” 

When he slipped his hand into hers, she squeezed it tight. “The last few years have been a bitch, and you carried us both through. Time to let me pull my fair share.” She looked down at their joined hands, letting out a long sigh. The thousand other things she wanted to say would have to remain unsaid for the moment. She didn’t want to risk shutting him down completely. As long as the subject remained open, she could chip at it, a little at a time.

Once the shuttle settled to the _Normandy_ ’s deck, they changed out of their armour and headed up to the med bay to check in on Mercy. She’d handled the transfer far better than Dr. Chakwas expected, and was now safely bedded down right next to the good doctor’s desk.

“Shower before you put your hands in there!” Karin called from the lab.

Shepard laughed. “Don’t worry, I just couldn’t go that extra ten minutes without looking in.” She smiled down at the little dusky face so hidden under the bandages. “Hey there, sweet stuff. How are you settling in? Don’t worry, it might seem a little weird to live somewhere that vibrates and makes weird noises all the time, but you’ll get used to it.” She pressed her fingers to the incubator hood. “Okay, I’m going to run up and shower, because not being able to touch you is killing me.” She kissed her fingers and pressed them to the glass. “I’ll be right back.”

Shepard turned to Garrus. “You going to stay until I get back?” When he nodded, she stood on tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “Good.” She let out a long breath, waffling on whether to push him or not, but then decided to go for it. “Are you going to talk to Karin?” She nodded when he didn’t answer. “Okay. I’ll be back.”

She showered and returned to med bay to spend an hour with her daughter before bed. Garrus seemed more present and grounded after a shower and holding his daughter’s hand, telling her stories about Sol’s childhood misadventures when his sister came in to join them. 

When they finally dragged themselves away from Mercy’s side, they still hadn’t heard anything from Bailey. Shepard didn’t know if that was because he had nothing to report or he was trying to figure out how to break bad news.

“Did I screw up finding Lenka?” Garrus whispered after they’d climbed into bed, wrapped in one another’s arms.

Shepard curled in closer and kissed his neck. “Bailey said that they found no sign that she was there, and they moved in right away despite the deviation from the plan.”

“But I could have. She might have been right there, five minutes from coming home, before . . ..”

Knowing that he wouldn’t accept anything but the truth, she let out a long sigh. “It’s possible, Garrus, but it’s more probable that she wasn’t there to start with. It was always a long shot, love. For whatever reason, Balak took her, and he’s not going to make it easy to get her back.” She pulled away just far enough to look into his eyes. “But I intend to make the cost of keeping her so high that he’s left with no choice but to give her back.”

“How do you know he won’t just kill her, Shepard?” He laid his hand over her ear, his talons burying themselves in her hair.

“Because he needs her to keep me in check. As long as she’s alive, he’s got a check-rein on me.” She traced the contours of his face with her fingertips. “He’s far too committed to his cause to let anything jeopardize it. She’ll come home, Garrus. Within the year, he’ll give her back.” Curling back in, tucking her head under his chin, she gave a little nod. “That, I guarantee.”

_______________________________________________________________________

Shepard stepped out of the forest onto the Crucible and let out a long sigh. She turned a circle, looking for Balak, chuckling to herself. 

“Really?” she called. “After all this time, you choose tonight to bring me here? Ahhh, Balak. It’s a weak play.”

The batarian followed her out of the trees. “I possess no other way to communicate with you, Shepard. The connection afforded me through your waking mind was burned out when the artifact fired.” He held out his hands. “Now, I must come through dreams while the noise of your mind is quiet and my whisper can be heard.”

“So, what do you want, Balak? My daughters are both gone thanks to your machinations. There is nothing else you can do to me.” She strode up to him and crossed her arms, cocking a hip. As she stared at him, she found him old, sad, and not in the least bit terrifying. In fact, right then, she couldn’t comprehend how she’d ever found him frightening.

He smiled. “I want nothing from you, Shepard. You’re a finished weapon, and a finely honed one at that. You’re ready. No, it’s time for others to face their forging, now.” 

The smile bled from his face. “I came tonight to express my sorrow and regret at the loss of your child. She was to be the brightest of lights. Her death was never an intended consequence, but do not fear, your life will be filled with other lights, all unique and brilliant. From their number, our scion will come.”

Shepard charged him and thumped the heel of her hand off his chest. “Mercy’s death is a direct consequence of your actions, you fucking lunatic.” A smile as cold and black as February ice spread across her face, her features burning with it. “I’ll get Lenka back. I promise you that. I’ll hunt down your every base on every world, and I’ll obliterate each one until I find her. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll beg me to just kill you.” 

She pushed in on him until her nose nearly touched his, her body tight and trembling with fury. How dare he express sympathy for what happened to Mercy? “Then, once I’m done with you, I’m going after the ones pulling your strings. The Leviathans will fall.”

He took her face between his hands and leaned in, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. “I look forward to it.”

Yanking back from the kiss, Shepard woke up, sitting straight up in bed. Sucking in a long, tremulous breath, she looked beside her, but the sheets lay thrown back and empty.

“Garrus?” The room remained dark, bathed in blue waves of light from the fish tank, the sky through the ports above the _Normandy_ black and streaked with rain. She looked back to the rumpled sheets and reached out to touch them. Cold.

She threw back the covers and swung her legs out of bed, dressing with only one thought--a prayer really--swooping in circles through her mind: please don’t let him be hallucinating. Slipping her feet into her boots, she rustled through the papers on her desk, searching to see if he’d left a note. Nothing. She fastened her boots and hurried out the door.

Searching the crew deck and engineering came up empty. In the cargo bay, she searched amongst the scattered piles of crates, but found no sign of her husband.

Her footsteps echoed as she crossed the decking, the huge, nearly empty space filling Shepard with a longing and loneliness that she hadn’t felt since her sixteen-year-old self stood in her parent’s home after the batarian raid. Everything her parents owned had been packed or donated to the families who were staying. Only rectangles of lighter wood on the walls where pictures had hung and worn spots on the floors bore witness that once, the entire house had echoed with laughter and life.

She shuddered, a chill rippling along her limbs as the _Normandy_ stood silent and empty, mourning the bright light that had run through her corridors and cabins, laughing and joyous before being torn from her care.

“We’ll find her,” Shepard whispered to the empty cargo racks and the shuttle in its perch. “We’ll find her and get her back.” 

Her jaw aching from clenching against tears, Shepard let out a long, controlled sigh and turned back to the elevator. Where had Garrus hidden himself away?

A slight, tinny ping-ping drew her attention to the door into the aft battery. Frowning, concerned by the sound, because even though she heard only two notes, her heart knew the source. She pushed the door open all the way. It opened without a sound, light spreading in a wedge over the floor. Stepping into the dark, she left the door open to light her way through the narrow space.

“Garrus?” she called, her voice no more than a breath, almost afraid that he'd answer.

She spotted him when she reached the workbench, seeing just his bare feet and the material of the loose leggings he used as pyjamas. Frowning, she stopped, hearing a sound that she didn't recognize. It rumbled, low and wavering, vibrating in a way that filled the space with a sorrow so exquisite that it made her entire body ache. She ran forward, bolting toward her husband the moment she understood that she was listening to him cry.

He sat on the floor at the end of the space, his knees pulled up to support his elbows, his head in his hands. His body shook, hitching with each sobbing, choking breath. Her heart constricted inside her, waves of pain shooting through her chest and into her arms as she recognized the sound of her brave, beautiful husband's heart breaking.

“Garrus?” She threw herself to her knees at his side, her hands hovering helplessly for a moment before touching him.

He jumped a little at her touch and looked into her eyes. The moment their gazes met, he began to push it back, putting up the wall of strength that he'd erected to be there for her.

Shepard took his face between her hands. “No,” she said, her voice soft, “don't hide from me, Garrus.” She leaned in and kissed him. “Let me be here for you. Please.” She pulled him into her arms, wrapping herself around him. He was freezing.

He slid over closer and laid in her lap, his arms around her waist, his head pressed to her breast. For a long time, he just clung to her, the horrible, heart-wrenching rumble of his sorrow vibrating through her. Seeing a glint of silver in the dark, she reached out and picked up the music box James had made for their girls. When she moved it, a bar of the song played, both beautiful and terrible.

“What happened?” she whispered, rubbing the back of his neck with a gentle hand.” She bent and kissed his fringe. “Why are you down here, Garrus?” 

Another couple of minutes passed before he pulled away, sitting up against her side. He passed her a piece of paper. He sniffed and brushed an impatient hand over his face. “I forgot to take that out and read it the night before our bonding,” he replied softly. “I woke up, saw the music box and couldn’t stand to look at it. I opened the crate of the things my mother left, went to put the music box in, and found her letter.”

Shepard pulled him in against her and held the letter up in the light. “What does it say, my love?”

Garrus took a shuddering breath, swallowing so hard that she heard it, and turned the paper toward him. “It says, 

_‘My precious son,_

_‘As I feel the hand of death pressing me onward, I am moved to tell you what has been most true and blessed in my life. During my cycles, I have done only three things that truly mattered. The first was taking your father as my bond-mate. Despite the years of anger and separation, I have loved him truly and deeply for more than ¾ of my life. That is a blessing too rare to go unmentioned and unappreciated. I know that you understand of what I write for I’ve heard you speak of your Shepard. Cherish it, Garrus. You never know how long you will have.’”_ He took a breath and leaned into Shepard’s side.

“ _‘The other two great blessings of my life have been you and your sister. I know you needed to pull away, to go out and find yourself in the vast black. I know you have discovered wondrous things and terrible things, but more than that, I know you have found who you are. I have missed you, but you have never been anywhere but in my heart._

_‘Come home to your father before you lose him. Allow him to make things right. He desires nothing more than to love you. Take care of your sister. She’s far more fragile than she lets anyone know.’”_ Garrus stopped and looked down, but Shepard said nothing, just holding him and waiting for him to continue.

“ _‘I wish you the blessing of children. Love them, let them grow into who they need to be, protect them, and never let them push you away. They will try. Oh, my lovely son, they will try._

_‘I love you, Garrus. Be happy in your life. The hard times will come whether you want them to or not, so best to embrace the time between with both arms and your whole heart. I will watch over you and those you love. I am never far away._

_‘Your mother.’”_

Garrus laid back in Shepard’s lap, his arms wrapping around her, the ridge of his cowl digging into her hip as he pressed the side of his face against her stomach.

Embracing him the best she could, Shepard caressed the inside rim of his cowl. “It’s a beautiful letter, my love.”

He nodded. “I didn’t protect her. I let them get away. I let her get away.” His whisper snaked through the near silence and wrapped around her heart, sinking in its fangs.

She hugged him tighter. “No, Garrus. No. We’ll find her. I know it.”

Garrus pressed his face into her, his arms painfully tight. “Was it all a lie, Shepard, the hope we had for our future? Does it ever end?”

Shepard shook her head, her hand stroking his neck. “I don’t know, my love, but this is true.” She bent and pressed her lips to his brow. “This is true.” She straightened and sniffed, a thick, wet inhalation, licking her slick, salty lips as she blinked back the tears. “As long as we’ve got this, I think that makes the rest of it true.”

He shifted, lifting himself a little further into her arms. “I don’t know how to face tomorrow without her. Without her skinny arms around my neck, her sloppy kisses, her giggles.” He buried his face in her chest, his shoulders shaking. Beneath the crying, she could feel his entire body trembling with cold.

“Neither do I, Garrus, but we’ll figure it out. We always do.” She took a long, shuddering breath and picked up the music box, stuffing it in the pocket on her trousers. “But right now, let’s get you off this floor, go look in on the precious miracle who’s still with us, and then get back into our bed.” She pushed him away, moving one hand from his shoulder to press against his scars. 

His eyes looked almost white as they stared into hers. “I love you, Shepard.”

She leaned into kiss him. “I know. Come on, let’s get you up before you catch cold.”


	64. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Chapter Sixty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the first year. *sniff*

**December 26, 2187 0130**

 

Garrus wrapped himself around the warmest, most comforting source of heat he knew, eventually managing to get his body temperature high enough that his shivering stopped shaking the bed, and Shepard eased into sleep curled in his arms. 

“I love you, Garrus,” she whispered, her voice heavy and thick with sleep. “You’re the air I breathe.”

“I love you,” he replied, unsure if the words made it out of his mouth. Sleep dragged him down, heavy and stubborn.

The dark, London streets closed in. Reapers of every ilk charged their line, the roar of the destroyer’s laser sounding a death toll that counted down the moments. 

“Garrus?” The rare music of Shepard’s voice whispered through his heart, and the war stilled around them. Bullets and lasers hovered, silent, in the air. Bodies froze mid-movement. Blood spray hung like constellations of crimson and indigo stars amidst the filth and ash. Exquisite, torturous joy flared through him as if his blood had been set on fire. "My people have a saying that when we die, our life flashes before our eyes.” The moment of impossible beauty held its breath, trembling, oil-slick colours swirling around him, soap bubble fragile. 

Her voice taunted him, his dearest wish made manifest and dangled before him. "Do you think, maybe, in that moment, we have a chance to see ahead as well as behind? Do you think it lets us see what might have been?" He dared not reach out, knowing the universe would just snatch her away.

“No. No . . . no no no no.” He clapped his hands over his aural canals. 

Three grenades exploded before him, shattering the moment and throwing him screaming from the dream.

Garrus bolted upright in bed, chest heaving. As the London streets dissolved around him, replaced by the familiar and the loved, he shivered and grumbled a turian curse. He didn’t know what woke him, but it had his gratitude. He flopped back onto his pillows. It took a moment to register, but then a low, barely audible droning sound teased his hearing. He leaned up on his elbow. 

Shepard lay curled in against his side, but he could tell by her breathing that he’d woken her.

“What is that?” he asked. As the fog of sleep pushed back, the droning became clearer; a dual pitched siren, its blaring just detectable through the _Normandy_ 's thick hull.

“Base alarms, sounds like,” she answered, not moving.

Someone banged on their door, but Shepard stayed unmoving, buried under the covers, curled up on her side. The only sign she showed of having heard the door was a slight tightening of her closed eyelids. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting to move.

He tested the sore that bled deep in his guts--the one that whispered to him that his weakness, his inability to just walk away from the war, had cost them Lenka.

“Shepard! Vakarian!”

“Bailey?” Garrus heart leaped into his throat. Lenka! Dear spirits, please let them have found Lenka. He threw back the blankets and reached for his clothes, throwing them on. How could Shepard just lie there?

“I'm coming!” he shouted when the C-Sec commander banged again. He ran to the door, bootless, tunic hanging open. “Bailey? What’s going on? Did you find Lenka?”

The commander winced in the face of Garrus’s hope. “Oh, shit, sorry, no, but there's something you and Shepard need to see.” He nodded toward the elevator, his tone and bearing clearly indicating that even though he'd phrased it as a suggestion, it wasn't one. 

Garrus let out a sigh that rumbled through his second larynx, then nodded and turned back. “Okay. If it’s important, we'll be with you in a minute.”

“The sooner, the better, Vakarian.” The C-Sec commander stepped back out the door, letting it shut.

“Shepard?” Garrus called, his voice soft, keeping his sub-vocals comforting. He ducked into the washroom, pausing to look down at her unmoving lump under the blankets. “You getting up?”

“Yeah, I'm moving.” Despite her words, the covers didn’t shift.

He continued into the toilet. When he emerged a few minutes later, she still hadn’t moved. He thumped down the stairs, his tread heavy, his muscles sore and stiff. “Do you want me to go down alone?”

“No, I want the universe to quit pulling crap before I’ve had four hours of uninterrupted sleep.” She threw the covers back and rolled over to sit on the side of the bed. “I’m up. Hear that universe? I’ve had an hour and a fucking half of sleep, but I’m up.”

He watched her swing out of bed, grab her clothes in a single handful and stalk to the bathroom. Since she’d found out that Mercy survived, something had settled over Shepard . . . a hardness that he hadn’t seen for a long time. Scowling, he looked around the divider, but the door had already closed behind her. She’d needed that solid, uncompromising rigidity to get her through the war, but it exacted a harsh toll. A rock hammering into another, every chip she took out of the Reapers had broken away a corresponding chip of her until almost nothing remained.

After Shepard smashed herself against Saren and Sovereign, then against the Collectors, only shards remained, but with his help, she’d held them together. By Thessia, holding her together felt like trying to carry sand on a screen, but still, she’d found a way to push through and make it to the end. In the last run, he’d dumped the screen when he was injured, leaving her to gather up the few handfuls of sand that hadn’t scattered to the wind and go on alone. 

He tried to believe that on the other side of the veil, all the crystalline grains of his love had coalesced back into a whole, sane, functional person. He tried to believe it.

He shook off the weight that pressed down on his chest and turned away from the bathroom door, reaching up to fasten his tunic. It didn’t matter. She’d returned, dragging as much of herself back to him as she could, and it was enough. Whatever she had to give would always be enough.

She emerged, dressed, a moment later and slipped her feet into her boots. “You’re going to freeze out there without your armour,” she said. “We should stop at your locker so you can put it on.”

He shook his head. “I’ll survive. I don’t imagine he’s going to make us run a 20k in the snow.” She didn’t reply. Grabbing his visor off his nightstand, he walked around the bed and climbed up the stairs to find her staring at the sweater Sol made for her. His sister had tried to wash the blood out of it, but the wool coveted the stain as if it were precious. She turned away from it and zipped up her hoodie.

“Let’s go. I want to get a couple more hours of sleep before the day starts.” She stopped at the door before opening it, and looked back. “Are you sure you’ll be all right? You still look half frozen.”

He forced a chuckle. “Remember that ice ball we landed on in the Mako and ended up stranded for two days in a blizzard?” He reached up to caress her cheek when she gifted him with a genuine smile. “I survived that, I’ll survive this.”

She nodded and turned to open the door. The hand that reached up to palm the door control trembled, and Garrus could see the flush in her skin that he'd come to associate with fear. Slipping his visor on, he saw her heart was racing. 

“You okay?” he asked, pressing a hand between her shoulder blades. “You sure you don’t want me to go alone?”

She nodded, but didn't speak, closing herself off to him. Why?

He put his arm around her and led her to the elevator, his heart speeding up as well. C-Sec waking them up in the middle of the night did not bode well. Not combined with the fear coming off his mate.

He looked over at the C-Sec commander. “Why are you here, Bailey? And why are the alarms all going off?” 

Bailey punched the control, sending them to the shuttle bay. The grim-faced blond shifted from foot to foot, looking uncomfortable and on edge, but something else too. His presence felt almost manic. 

It did nothing to ease Garrus’s concern, and he edged sideways a little, pulling Shepard in tighter against his side. 

“Someone snatched Valern and Tevos out of their beds,” Bailey said at last. “Whoever it was tied them to the dock signpost in their underwear, then broadcast a public announcement, denouncing them as murderers.” His face remained stern, but the corners of his mouth twitched. Garrus had seen Shepard do that enough to know that the commander was fighting to keep himself from grinning, but nothing about him broadcast mirth. 

Garrus studied the man’s face, looking for a clue as to why he seemed both furious and gleeful. Did Bailey think he or Shepard had something to do with it? 

Bailey grunted. “We're still trying to cut them down. I didn't want you to miss the show.”

Shepard sagged a little against Garrus’s side, her voice coming out sounding as though ancient millstones ground every word. “I don't have much of an appetite for theatre this morning.” She glanced around him at Bailey. “Do you think we did it?”

“No. The guards at the _Normandy_ ’s barricades report that they were hit from the outside.”

“Hit?” Garrus frowned. “Someone attacked them?”

Bailey nodded and stepped forward as the elevator slowed. “Every guard in the dock area and along the routes to the councilors’ quarters inside the main building were tranqed.”

“Anyone hurt?” Shepard asked.

Bailey grunted noncommittally. “None of the guard personnel were injured, other than their pride.” He scoffed, the tone of his grunt clearly saying that a great many C-Sec personnel would be doing remedial training for at least the next six months. 

The elevator opened. Garrus met resistance as he stepped forward but Shepard didn’t. When he turned back to see why she hadn’t moved, Shepard stared blank-eyed down the length of the cargo bay. He followed her gaze and cursed under his breath. The docks seethed with activity, a flood of bodies roaring like a hurricane surge. 

“Spirits.”

Shepard finally took a step forward, reaching up to her side to grip his fingers tight. “What on Earth is going on?” she whispered. “Who did this thing? Why?”

Garrus shook his head, his mandibles dropping and pulling in tight against his face defensively. “You don’t think the crew might have . . .?” He cut the thought off before he had to hear himself say it. The crew adored Shepard, their hearts breaking along with hers when the batarians took Lenka. He knew they blamed the council as surely as he did, but they’d never resort to something like the spectacle playing out before them now.

Shepard continued down the cargo bay. “No, not the crew.” The certainty in her voice calmed his fears. No one knew her people like Shepard.

People crowded onto the tarmac and lined up along building roofs, but their sheer numbers alone didn’t account for the rabbit-fast race of his pulse. Rage pounded through the crowd, their voices a savage roar that made him want to turn around and head up to their cabin. Shepard backed into his arm.

“Do you want to go up?” he asked, keeping his voice low and soft. 

_“Please want to go up,”_ his mind whispered. _“Let’s just get back into bed and hold one another until this entire nightmare goes away.”_

His mate took a deep breath, rolling her shoulders, pulling herself up straight and proud and strong. Setting her back hard enough that he heard it snap, she shook her head. “No. The council needs to see us. They need to know we didn’t do this, and they need to know we aren’t afraid of them.” Her leaf-green eyes stared into his, filling him with her strength. “We need to do this. We can’t let this break us, Garrus.” 

He knew she didn’t mean the pageant playing out before them, but rather the events that had led up to it. 

She pressed hard against his side as they walked down the shuttle bay. He held her, his hand warming against the curve of her waist. 

He stopped as they neared the top of the ramp and saw his dad, Sol, Kaidan, and a handful of the crew lined up at the edge of the ramp, staring out at the chaos. Garrus reached out to give his sister’s hand a squeeze as she turned to face him. Next to her, Tali had her omnitool open, keying in information with an intensity that made Garrus uneasy.

“Tali?” Shepard called, her voice so soft it barely registered over the crowd. Apparently, Shepard felt the same discomfort.

“She’s taking advantage of the situation to make a point,” Joker said, stepping between them and the quarian. A resolute nod followed his declaration.

“Justice,” Kaidan said simply, stepping up to pull Sol in against his side. The major’s red, glassy eyes stared into Garrus’s for a moment, then looked to Shepard. “For Lenka and Mercy.”

“You guys didn’t . . .?” Shepard let the question hang in the cold air like their breath.

Sol shook her head. “No. I got a call from a friend at the hospital. She told me to come see. I grabbed Dad and Kaidan. The others just got here.”

“Shepard? Vakarian?” Bailey called from the bottom of the ramp. “Coming? We had to send people searching for cutters. All the ones on base seem to have disappeared. Still, we should be cutting them down any minute.” He nodded toward a tall pyramid of crates stacked up around the main docking sign. At the very top, Garrus could just make out two figures with their arms tied over their heads. The sign that normally broadcast what ships were landing, when, and in what bay was blank except for one word. 

_‘Murderers.’_

Shepard pulled away a little as they made their way down the ramp, walking on her own, but not too far away for him to touch her. As they reached the barricade, the Alliance guards pulled back the wire to let them through. Shepard turned toward two guards sitting on a k-rail, looking nauseated and embarrassed. Pulling away from Garrus, she crouched in front of them, her hands just brushing their knees.

“Are you all right?” she asked. She winced away from a bright flash, then looked up, finding Bailey. “Stop them from taking holos and vid,” she called. “There’s no need to make this more of a circus than it already is.” She turned back to the guards, patted their knees as they assured her they were unharmed, and then stood, continuing into the crowd.

Garrus watched his wife, unsure how to react. Part of him growled and seethed at the two councilors for their part in Lenka’s abduction and Mercy’s injuries. That part wanted them to hang there until they froze to death, then drag their bodies down, cut off their heads, stick them on pikes and parade them around every planet as a warning about the price of selling out.

As he watched Shepard, though, he saw none of that on her face, and shame slipped over the sadistic rage, easing it as surely as the gentle touch of her hand on his neck comforted him. Even during the war, his wife had stood above the violence and derision of others, acting as a beacon of compassion and cooperation. She remained an example he struggled to live up to, and he could do so now.

He stepped slightly in front of Shepard as she entered the crowd. Circling her waist with his arm to shelter her against his side, he parted the seething mass of bodies. Before the war, she teased him mercilessly for acting as her bodyguard. Since, she’d seemed grateful for it. Either way, he couldn’t help it. She saw the galaxy’s safety as her responsibility, he saw her safety as his.

Above their heads, the word “murderers” vanished, replaced by vid footage of their wedding. Garrus held Lenka in one arm, his other arm wrapped around Shepard as they danced. Shepard stopped dead, a soft gasp escaping her lips in a cloud of vapour. He looked down at her, but her eyes remained dry, her jaw clenched.

The crowd surged, buffeting them none too gently as it turned to look up at the sign. The noise level dropped as they watched, rapt and alert. Once, when Garrus was ten cycles old, his father had taken him _drellak_ hunting. The herd of normally docile herbivores smelled their approach and had turned as one to face them, stamping their feet, shaking their horns, and snorting, threatening to charge. As he tried to absorb the rough bumps and jostles of several hundred people, Garrus felt the same primal dread he’d felt that day. The crowd was a beast ready to charge.

The sign flashed. _“This is Lenka Vakarian with her father and mother four days ago.”_

“Why aren't you cutting us down?” Valern shouted from atop the ziggurat of crates. 

Garrus heard the chattering of the councillor’s teeth through the high pitched staccato of his words. He looked up at the salarian--thin, old, and trembling in the cold--and let out a long breath, the last of his anger tempered by pity. 

“We're bringing in the cutters now,” one of the rescue workers called back.

 _“These two councillors ordered that Lenka be taken from her loving parents ._ . .” More vid footage flashed on the sign, this time of the three of them walking in the snow.

Shepard stopped, her eyes fixed on the sign. Garrus watched her, able to see the sign at the edge of his vision, but he didn’t think he could face the image directly. In that moment, Lenka sat so light on his hip, leaning back into his arm, her beautiful, dark eyes enraptured by everything. She embraced life with her whole being, her innocent wonder returning a little of the magic the cycles had stripped away from him. 

Shepard must have felt him stiffen, because she turned to him, reaching up to touch her fingertips to his mandible. He dipped his head into the contact and nodded, reassuring her. 

_“. . . and given to these people.”_ A picture of the two batarians dragging Lenka off the _Normandy_ flashed up. _“These people have connections to TPR, the batarian terrorist organization responsible for the bombing at Alliance Headquarters in Vancouver.”_ The two batarians wrestling with his screaming child was replaced by a military portrait of Balak. _“It's led by this man, Ka'Hiral Balak, the terrorist responsible for attempted destruction of the colony on Terra Nova and several acts of terrorism on the Citadel during the Reaper war.”_

Shepard squared her shoulders, snapped her neck and struck out through the crowd again. Garrus took each step at her side, carving a path to ease her passage, focusing on the crowd to keep his mind off the message playing out above their heads.. As much as he didn't want to see what was coming, as much as he never wanted to set eyes on either councillor again, he knew Shepard was right, Tevos and Valern needed to see them both there. They needed to be held accountable.

The message on the board changed again, and he wished he could turn and yell back for Tali to stop if she was responsible for the messages. _“This is what happened when C-Sec officers were sent to abduct Lenka from her parents.”_

Shepard looked down, walking with her gaze riveted on her feet. Garrus pulled her closer, the horror of the C-Sec officer beating his pregnant wife playing out in the periphery of his vision. The crowd roared, barely contained violence shivering through them like electricity. The volume and rage grew to a crescendo as the gunshot rang out. 

Garrus’s gut tied into a knot of sour ice. What had seemed an innocent accident of sound during the brawl sank menacing teeth into him now that he knew the man had been aiming for his unborn daughter.

A blur of movement swept in on his right, moving for Shepard like a missile. He jumped to block it, throwing his body between the attacker and his wife, then jerked up short when he recognized Bailey.

The crowd, previously staring in rapt horror at the screen, began to realize that Shepard walked through their midst and surged toward her as one massive wave. The eddies of shivering, barely controlled violence rolled toward them, but as they washed up against Shepard and the climate of peace she engendered, they dissipated. The shoving and jostling eased back, people waiting to see how Shepard reacted. 

In the newly calming crowd, Garrus caught a streak of movement, and threw an arm out to draw attention to the cluster of people in gold and white robes shoving through the throng to reach Shepard’s side. “Bailey. Keep those crazies back!”

The sign, now just about right over their heads, changed, showing the scan of Mercy taken a couple of days before the shooting. Garrus stopped, looking up at last to stare at her, captivated by the shape of her face, the brow, and graceful neck that Mordin had given her from his blood and bone. His mandibles fluttered.

“She’s so beautiful,” he whispered to no one in particular.

The sign scrolled out, _“This was Mercy Vakarian, murdered by a C-Sec officer while carrying out the orders of these two Councillors. They are guilty of murder.”_

Shepard made the soft gasping sound again as a picture of their wedding appeared. He remembered the moment. She'd been standing behind his chair talking to Hackett, and Garrus had turned, pulling her into his arms to nuzzle his daughter. Shepard stumbled to a stop, but then he saw her take a deep breath, swallow hard and nod to herself. He stepped behind her, pressed against the back of her arm as she walked forward.

Ahead of them, the crowd parted to allow them through, the docking area falling under an expectant hush. Hands reached out to touch them both, soft empathetic pats and caresses on arms and shoulders. Garrus shook his head, both amazed and humbled by the outpouring of emotion. Although it washed over them both, the amount of love he felt aimed at Shepard made his eyes burn with gratitude. She’d given everything she had for them, and it filled him with an unexpected peace and joy to see how much most people adored her for that.

He stopped at the base of the towering platform of crates, but Shepard didn’t even pause before she started climbing. For a moment, he wavered on the edge of following her, but held back. Shepard and the two councillors had a long-standing difference of opinion that she needed to address on her own.

Climbing all the way to the top, Shepard stood before both councillors. She stood so still that Garrus found himself holding his breath, and he wished he could see her face, to see what she felt in that moment. Four years worth of slights, disbelief, and accusations boiled down to that one, airless, fragile moment. Shepard said nothing, taking a deep breath before she wound up and slapped them both hard across the face.

Shepard looked down at a third figure Garrus hadn’t even seen until that moment. A batarian male lay along the edge of the top tier of crates. Unlike the councillors, he remained fully dressed, but blood trickled down the crates from several wounds in his chest. Bending down, Shepard checked him for a pulse. Garrus could have told her just from the man’s colour that he’d bled out long before.

Standing and stepped to the edge of the crates, Shepard pointed down at the batarian. “Is this the man who shot me?” she called out, her voice ringing off the buildings in the silence.

“Yes,” Bailey answered, his voice just loud enough to carry.

“Who killed this man?” Shepard shouted, her voice filled with a fury that sent razor sharp shivers slicing down Garrus’s spine. Her eyes scanned the crowd, even though he knew she didn’t expect an answer. “Do you think I would trade his life for mine or my daughter’s? He acted out of rage and blindness, but that doesn’t mean that rage and blindness will set things right.”

“He killed the innocent scion!” a voice called out. “She deserves vengeance.”

“No! She deserves justice. This is not the sort of justice that will build a safer galaxy for our children.” Shepard spun, turning her back to the crowd. She bent down and held a hand out to a rescue worker climbing toward her. “Give me the cutters.” 

The man hesitated as if afraid he was arming her or would get in trouble. Shepard just raised an eyebrow and extended her hand a little further. The worker passed it over, and as Garrus watched, his heart beating so hard and fast that it made him light-headed, his wife cut down the two councillors.

Once Shepard started down, Garrus climbed up a couple of levels to meet them, reaching up to help both Shepard and Tevos down. When they reached the bottom, he took a blanket from a gawking C-Sec officer and wrapped it around the asari councillor.

“It will not be forgotten, Madam Councillor. They will not be forgotten.” He met and held her eyes, seeing within their depths some understanding.

“I want this woman arrested!” Valern screeched, his voice bringing an instant hush over the crowd. He bullied his way over to Shepard. “She struck me, and I want her charged with assault.” He lunged his upper body at her, but wasn't brave enough to move within arm's reach. “And if I discover you had anything to do with tonight, you'll hang.”

Garrus moved to stand behind Shepard, but she met his eyes and nodded, stopping him in his tracks.

Alone, she walked up to Valern, pushing well into his space. Garrus waited, his entire body tensed to intervene if necessary, but willing to let Shepard fight her own battle. The time had come for her to reclaim everything she’d left along the journey, starting with the first time she’d stood before the council and they’d dismissed her. 

Shepard stood eye to eye with the Salarian. “I didn’t have anything to do with tonight, Councillor, but not because you don’t deserve to be exposed as the terrified little fraud that you are. Both of you deserve to spend a little time hanging for all the times you let the people of the galaxy down with your denial and desperation to cling to the safety of the status quo.”

She shrugged, a gesture that looked far more casual than he knew she felt. “But here’s the thing, Councillor. You don’t have enough power over me to drive me to do something like this. I haven’t given you a second thought since I left your meeting. I have a husband to look after, and a daughter to find.” She leaned in and laughed, a cold-iron laugh. “Compared to them, you aren’t even a blip on my screen.”

She backed up a step. “As for slapping you . . .. You accused me of belligerence while you sacrificed my family to your cowardice.”

Valern pulled the blanket tighter around him and stood tall, tilting his chin up. “None of our species have the ability to fight a war right now, against anyone, Admiral. Do you deny that?”

She pressed in again, her voice knife edged, but not angry. “I deny giving in to terrorists out of fear, Councillor. I deny that my husband, who fought his way across the Citadel to save your lives . . . twice . . . deserved to have his honour and courage repaid by losing both of his daughters.”

She half-turned and pointed toward Garrus, but her eyes never left Valern’s. After a moment, she shrugged, but Garrus saw understanding--not resignation--behind the gesture. He held his breath, as utterly transfixed by her as the rest of the crowd.

Shepard backed away from the councillor. “You’ll never understand, Valern. I won't waste my breath trying to explain it.” 

Garrus’s heart pounded strong and steady in his chest as he watched Shepard look out over the crowd. The steel and compassion, Shepard’s hallmarks during the war, remained, but he saw no sign of the brittle hardness. “We are never guaranteed safety or security. The more we try to cling to the illusion of them, the more we lose ourselves and our humanity to fear.” 

Garrus smiled, his mandibles snapping with emotion as Shepard turned to face Tevos. 

“How about you, Madam Councillor? Do you have any courage or honour left in you?” She stepped into the asari’s space and leaned in close to her ear. “I didn’t do this to you,” she whispered. “My people didn’t do this.” Shepard stepped back, her eyes staring into Tevos’s without blinking. “Ask yourself who did, and then ask yourself what will happen if you really anger the one pulling your strings.” She held the councillor’s gaze for another moment, then looked past the asari to the turian councillor.

Shepard shot Sparatus a tight smile and bowed her head in a sharp gesture of gratitude. “Thank you for standing up for what was right rather than what was safe.”

Garrus stepped forward as his mate turned to look into his eyes. He held out his hand, a surety settling in his gut. Shepard might be battered and bent, but she remained unbroken. 

He smiled as she took his hand, feeling honoured and still amazed that she saw the things in him that she did.

Shepard turned to Bailey. “Am I needed here any further, Commander?”

Bailey looked past her to Tevos, who shook her head. “No, Admiral Shepard. Please, return to your bed. I'm sorry for dragging you out here, and for your loss.”

Shepard surprised Garrus then, stepping up to kiss Bailey on the cheek. “Thank you. Take care of yourself, my friend.”

The taciturn commander cleared his throat. “You too, Shepard.” He looked to Garrus and nodded. “Vakarian. Good luck to you both.”

“Thank you, Bailey.” Garrus shook the man’s hand, then gathered his wife in next to his side and turned toward the _Normandy_ , just to come face to face with his father, Sol, and Kaidan. His mandibles lifted and fluttered hard as he realized that they’d been right behind them the entire time. Sol stepped in against Shepard, slipping her arm around her waist. Herros did the same to Garrus. Kaidan gave Garrus a slight, bashful nod, then stepped in to help jockey Sol through the crowd.

Shepard chuckled and leaned up to press a kiss against Garrus’s cheek. “Looks like we’re going to be planning another wedding,” she whispered.

“Oh hush, you,” Sol grumbled, but her mandibles gave her away as she smiled.

“Let's go see our baby before we head back to bed,” she said.

He nodded, his eyes glassing over. Spirits, he loved her. “Yeah.” He took a step, but Shepard held him back. 

She stared into his eyes for a moment, then let out a sigh that trailed away in a cloud of vapour. “I love you, Garrus Vakarian. Thank you for sticking with me through everything.”

He nodded and leaned down to press his brow to hers. “Always, Shepard. There’s no Vakarian without Shepard.”

She set out for the ship, her steps firm and sure. He knew that she’d keep her word. She’d turn the galaxy inside out to find Lenka and bring her home. And he’d face the storm at her side, as always. 

At the top of the _Normandy_ ’s ramp, his beautiful, fierce little goddess held her arm out to Joker, Tali, and the other crew who stood there waiting for them. “Come on, people. Let’s get moving. We’re not finished yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A-N) I never thought I would get here some days. The last chapter of Exploding Stars. So much love. I have so much love for these two messed up, amazing characters; so much love for the universe… and so much love for YOU!!! The faithful, gorgeous readers who followed them the whole way through the first year.
> 
> I hope you are keen to see answers discovered, bad guys beaten with sticks, and how their new life comes together.
> 
> The Internal Machinations of SHOOTING Stars, first chapter is going up. Thanks again. All the luvs.


	65. The Internal Machinations of Exploding Stars Appendix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Garrus refer to this date a lot, so I thought I would include it as an appendix.

**Takes place after Horizon, and first two missions of Leviathan**

“Well, it took three days, instead of one, but we're finally here,” Shepard sighed. Sprawling across the couch, she watched the lights and cars and people outside the apartment's massive windows. “I don't think I could live here. It's too noisy, too much going on. Fifty people can see me right now.” She shifted up the couch, sitting in a more dignified pose.

Garrus walked to the window and looked out. “More like a hundred or so. Let's just hope that none of them are assassins.” He closed the blinds then sat next to her. “So, we made it. Still plan to do absolutely nothing? I believe you intended to try to read a book.”

Shepard shifted, the soft, taupe leather of the couch creaking under her. “I got an email from an asari. Her daughter was very ill and made a wish to watch me fight Reapers in the arena. You up for a round?”

He chuckled. “This is you taking the night off? Killing holographic Reapers because . . . we don't kill enough real ones?”

“Yeah, I guess it is.” She moved over next to him and lifted her feet up behind her as she curled in against his side. “A little girl needs some hope. We don't get the chance to do something that feels . . .. I don't know, Garrus.” She shrugged.

“Okay, never hurts to keep the skills sharp, but then we're going to dress in civvies and just relax. Yes?” He draped a careless arm over her shoulders, his thumb stroking just above her elbow, easing her down into the couch.

She grinned. “Yeah, that sounds good.” She closed her eyes and let out a long, contented sigh as she hugged him despite the hard edges of his armour. “But now that I'm here, I could just stay tucked right here without any complaints.”

He bent to nuzzle her hair, his breath stirring the red curls in a comforting way. “So, who are we going to round up to help us kick holo-Reaper ass?”

She laughed. “Let's drag Steve and Traynor out. That ought to be entertaining all on its own.”

“Does Traynor even know what end of a rifle to hold?”

“She had to go through basic at some point. It'll be good for her, release some of her pent up aggressions. Steve could use it too. He's got some skills, just not a lot of faith in anything these days.”

He gave her a squeeze. “Sounds good. Listening to Traynor deal with armour will be entertainment in itself.”

Shepard laughed. “You're so bad. I'll give her my Phantom stuff. It's light and easy to move in.”

“You're determined to ruin my fun. Next you'll be telling me you're going to give her a pistol instead of the Revenant.” He aped an exaggerated sigh.

“That thing nearly breaks my arm.” Shepard grinned as she pushed away and stood. “I'm going to call them and take a quick nap.”

“A sleeping sort of nap, or the kind where my presence adds to the experience considerably?” He stood and followed her to the stairs.

“Your presence always adds considerably, but yes, the sleeping sort of nap.” Shepard stopped on the bottom step and turned, slipping her arms around his neck. “You are more than welcome to join me, but you seem like going out and finding trouble is more your speed right now.”

He chuckled and pulled her in against him. “There is something I want to do before we start our evening.” He kissed her. “Rest well. I'll be back in a couple of hours.”

Shepard smiled and kissed him back. “See you later. Wake me if I'm not up when you get back.” She pressed her palm against his face, admiring its rugged beauty for a moment before she turned and headed upstairs.

Shepard stripped down and climbed in the shower after talking with both Steve and Traynor. Steve proved to be eager, but Traynor took a little convincing. In the end, it was doing it as a wish for a little girl that convinced the comm specialist to put on armour and try it out.

Shepard yawned as she stepped under the steaming water. She was probably insane making plans to fight at Armax as tired as she was, but they were going to have to head back out to find Leviathan the next day, and after that the final push to take out Cerberus and the Reapers. Time was ticking down on her. She'd felt it ever since her doppelganger had arrived. The universe kept showing her how blessed she was, and the only reason to keep throwing it in her face was because it was all going to be taken away.

She hit the shower controls, grabbed a towel and dried herself off.

After they found Leviathan, she'd hold the party Joker had been pushing for. Give everyone a chance to blow off some steam, enjoy each other's company, and get them ready for the end run. She threw back the blankets and climbed under them without bothering to dress. Relaxing into the soft mattress, she closed her eyes, but the sheets were cold against her skin, and her back felt exposed. She flipped over and reached out to lie her hand on the spot where Garrus should be, feeling his absence like a warning.

“I know that I've never really believed in anything like my father did,” she said, her voice barely more than a breath. “I guess I just got busy existing, fighting day to day, didn't take time to think on it too much. I suppose it goes one of two ways when you kill people for a living. You either pray for salvation or pray that there isn't anyone out there keeping score. Well, if there is someone out there, you know my card is heavy on the killing side, but you also know that I've never taken any pleasure in it. If there is any other way, I try to find it. And you also know how tired I am. Every day has started to feel like an endless slaughter, and it's wearing me so thin that I can feel the cracks starting to form. If it doesn't end soon, I'm terrified that I'm going to break.”

She laid her hand on Garrus's pillow. “I understand if this whole thing has to end with my life paying back some of my debt, but if you could spare him, I'd consider it a kindness. He has so much to do, so much he's capable of being.”

She closed her eyes again and swallowed hard, forcing away the lump building there. “It won't be easy on him if I fall, but he's strong. He's so much stronger than he knows, and he'll be okay.'

'Look, I don't know if I'm talking to myself or not, but I just wanted you to know that I've taken note all the times you've pointed out how lucky I am. I've walked a strange road. It hasn't been an easy one, but I can't complain, and I guess I wouldn't change any of it, because it led here. It put me where I'm needed, and it led to him. So, thank you.” She nodded slightly. “That's all I wanted to say. Thank you for him.”

Shepard pulled Garrus's pillow into her arms, holding it close as she gave in to the long hours and drifted off to sleep.

* * * * *

Shepard awoke to a gentle hand rubbing her back. She stretched and turned over to smile up at Garrus. “Hey there.”

“Hey.” He gave her one of his smiles. “Missed me, huh?”

She released his pillow and set it back at the head of the bed. “No. I just have a thing for pillows.”

“Mm hmm.” His hand slipped behind her neck, his thumb caressing her cheek. “So then you didn't miss this?” He leaned down and kissed her, then nuzzled his way down her neck, his tongue teasing the spot under her ear that made her entire body erupt into goose pimples.

“Not in the least.” She ducked away, letting out a traitorous giggle as he hit one of her ticklish spots.

“Something tells me you're lying.” He ran his hand down her neck, pulling back the covers. “Commander Shepard! Sleeping naked. Someone might think you were inviting something.”

Shepard laughed and reached up to grip the yoke of his armour. “You sleep naked every night, Vakarian.”

He nodded. “Of course, because I'm always inviting something.” He ran his fingers along her shoulder, turning them over as they slipped down over her chest.

She grinned and nodded. “I'll keep that in mind.” She sat up and draped her arm just inside his cowl, her hand behind his neck. She glanced over at the chrono. “Still have a couple of hours before we need to meet Steve and Traynor at the arena.” She covered a yawn with the back of her hand. “Did you get your business taken care of?”

He nodded. “I did. I'm starving. How about you get dressed and we go out to get something to eat?”

“Sure.” Shepard flopped back down onto the mattress. “But nothing too heavy, or I'll be throwing up all over Armax's hologrid.”

Garrus chuckled. “I know just the place.” He smacked her hip through the blankets. “Get yourself up before I decide I'm more starved for you than I am for dinner.” He stood and headed out the door.

Shepard watched him go, then threw the blankets back and got up. She dressed in her usual dark t-shirt, trousers and hoodie, sticking a pair of shaded glasses in her pocket, then headed downstairs. Just before they stepped out of the building onto the strip, she pulled her hood up and slipped on the glasses.

Garrus shook his head. “You look like a spy in an old vid.” He slipped his arm around her.

She bumped him with her hip. “The hood is for anonymity, the glasses are because all the neon blinds me.” She allowed him to lead the way, only paying attention to where they were going when he stopped in front of a door.

“I found this place during my first week in CSec. I lived fairly close, so I ate here nearly every day.” He opened the door.

“Ooo, a rare glimpse into the secret life of C-Sec Officer Vakarian.” She grinned and slipped her arm through his, holding it tight.

He led the way into a small, dimly lit cafe that had been decorated very much like a turn of the century mom and pop place on earth. A long counter dominated the space, but a few booths lined the walls toward the back. Humans and aliens of every kind jammed the place wall to wall, so Shepard and Garrus had to wait a few minutes to get seats at the counter.

“I guess this crowd bodes well for the food,” Shepard said.

“Yeah, Ed always hires the best.” He ushered her to the vacated seats. Within a half second, an older human man in a sweater and dungarees walked up and slid menus in front of them.

“You need anything, you give old Ed a call.” He peered at Garrus for a moment, then grinned. “Vakarian, that you?”

Garrus chuckled and reached out to shake the offered hand. “Yeah, it's me.” He opened his mouth and turned to Shepard, presumably to introduce her, but the old man cut him off.

“I heard you left C-Sec, signed on with Commander Shepard.” He shook his head and leaned against the bar. “Funny that, everyone saying she was nuts for three years, then wetting their pants and screaming for her to save them the moment the nightmare rode up.”

“Yeah, funny,” Garrus replied.

“So, Vakarian, I heard you and she were, you know, together. That true?” He leaned across the bar, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial volume.

Garrus laughed. “Yeah, it's true.”

“I only seen her on TV, but she seems sharp as a tack.” Ed scowled then gave him a broad wink. “What does she see in you?”

“I ask myself that every day.”

Ed laughed. “Yeah, I was the same with my wife, Lisa. She was way too good for the likes of me.” He pushed away from the bar. “Well, if Shepard ever gives your sorry ass the boot, you send her on my way. You tell her old Ed knows how to treat a fine woman right.” He looked over at Shepard. “The ravioli is good tonight kid; I recommend it.”

Shepard nodded. “Thanks.” When Ed moved down the bar, she took her glasses off and set them on the counter. She looked up at the vid screen. It was showing an old romantic vid, a pleasant relief from the news that seemed to be everywhere. She turned to Garrus and smiled. “He seems like a good man. You two knew one another pretty well?”

He nodded. “Yeah. My first month in CSec, I caught a shoot out in the lower wards. Some weapons dealers decided to handle their differences by shooting it out. A couple of people were killed in the crossfire.” He played with his menu. “Ed's wife, Lisa, was just out buying groceries and took a bullet to the neck. Bled out before we got there. My partner and I brought down the two dealers and their goons. Ed told me as long as I was in CSec, I could eat here for free.”

Shepard smiled and reached out to squeeze his hand.

Garrus leaned over and nuzzled her neck. “You going to take his suggestion?” He looked down at his dextro menu.

“I think I will. Get a side order of extra garlic-ey garlic bread to go with it, then breathe on you all night.” She gave him a wide grin, then shook her head. “It's a sandwich or something for me until after the arena.”

Garrus ordered, then got up. “I'll be right back.”

Shepard watched him go, then looked up at the screen. She'd seen the vid before. Couldn't recall the name, but she remembered liking it.

“So, how do you know Vakarian?” Ed asked, appearing in front of her once more.

“I serve on the Normandy as well.” Shepard ducked her face inside her hood a little further.

The old man grinned. “Well, then thanks for all you're doing. What's your name, kid?”

“Jane.”

“Well Jane, what can an old man get you to drink?” He leaned against the counter, swaying his back in a way she knew all too well from days spent on her feet in armour.

“I would love a soda. I haven't had one in months.” She found her mouth watering at the thought of the sparkling sweetness. “It's funny the things you miss out there.”

“What kind? I've got lemon, cherry, cola and orange.”

She waggled her head a little as she tried to decide. “Lemon would be great, thanks.”

“You know, you look like you could use something a little stronger than a soda.” He pointed at the bags under her eyes. “That's quite a set of luggage you're carrying around there.”

She gave him a weary smile and a nod. “Only so many days you can fight Reapers before sleep becomes something you remember enjoying once.”

“Nightmares, huh?” He reached out and patted her arm when she nodded. “Had them all the time after Lisa died.” He nodded in the direction Garrus had gone. “Vakarian used to drop by to check on me even after he caught the people responsible. He's a good man.”

Shepard nodded. “The best.”

“You let Ed set you up.” He gave her a wink and headed down the bar. A moment later, he set a large glass in front of her. “There, that ought to cures what ails you.”

Shepard grinned. “Is this a lemon float?” She sucked a mouthful through the straw, then grinned. “On my god, that is so good. I haven't had one of these since I was a kid.”

“Glad you like it, sweetheart. Nothing that makes me sadder than seeing a pretty girl looking like the world is sitting on her shoulders.” He leaned against the bar. “So, Shepard ... is she a good person? She taking care of you and Vakarian?”

Shepard took another drink. “She does the best she can. She thinks the sun rises and sets on Garrus, though. Don't worry.”

“So, she's really in love with the big guy?” He nodded. “Good.”

“She's really in love with him.” Shepard assured him,

“Well, enjoy your drink, kid. Does Garrus still drink that wretched fruit waste product?”

“Yes, he does,” Garrus answered, returning to his seat. “Just keep it upwind of the lady.”

Ed laughed. “I'll leave it in the bottle, so you can keep it sealed. Otherwise, the smell might put her off her dinner.” He placed a bottle on the counter, winked at Shepard and went back to his other customers.

Shepard let out a long breath and relaxed, her shoulders dropping as she looked around the cafe and not a single soul was looking her way. There weren't any whispered conversations with furtive glances her direction, or insults used in private conversations, but at a volume that was meant for her to hear. It was unexpected and pleasant.

“I like it here,” she told him as their dinner was placed in front of them.

He caressed her neck with the back of a finger, then stroked down her back. “I thought you might.” He dug into his meal.

Shepard was half done her tuna salad when someone called out. “Vakarian? No way. Rookie, is that you?”

Garrus spun and jumped up, hurrying over to greet the tall, balding human with a one armed hug. “Damn, Ridgefield ... I'm glad to see you breathing. After the coup attempt ...”

The man nodded. “Yeah, Cerberus kicked the shite out of us.” He nodded toward Garrus's meal. “Looks like you're in the middle of dinner, so I should leave you to it ...”

Garrus caught his arm. “I'll grab a table, and you can join us.” He gave a wide, turian smile and shook his head. “It's damned good to see you.” He led the man over to Shepard. “Ridgefield, this is Jane. Jane, this is Lance Ridgefield, my first partner.”

Shepard smiled and shook Ridgefield's hand. “It's a pleasure to meet you.”

Ridgefield looked back and forth for a moment, then grinned. “Wait a second. You on a date, Vakarian? Don't tell me you stopped tripping over yourself long enough to ask a woman out to dinner.”

Garrus shook his head. “No, she just managed to translate all the half sentences and stumbling.”

Ridgefield laughed. “This man is the official CSec record holder for most women scared off.” He chugged Garrus on the shoulder. “Glad to see that change.”

Garrus chuckled, but then his head went up. “Come on, a table just freed up in the back corner.” He had a server gather their meals and move them while he took Shepard's hand and led her over to the table, letting her slide in the booth first.

“Chloe Michel isn't going to be happy to know you're seeing someone,” Ridgefield teased as he sat down. “She still asks about you every time she sees me.”

Shepard choked a little and stifled her laughter. Garrus jabbed her in the ribs with his elbow.

“So, how has the recovery from the coup been going?” Garrus asked, changing the subject.

“Really well. It gave us a hell of a slap in the face. Made everyone on the station realize that one day, they're going to come at us in earnest. Bailey has been recruiting every CeeBee, engineer and construction worker he can find. He and Commander Shepard put together some plans for evacuation bunkers down deep in the station's guts.” Ridgefield punctuated his sentences with large, animated gestures. Shepard found herself fascinated by the open ebullience of his expressions and voice. She’d spent so long mired in people dedicated to subterfuge and secrecy that his candor was mesmerizing.

“You should see these places,” the C-Sec officer continued. “They're a combination bunker/fortress, with elevated cover, even cover from aerial attack that will bottleneck Cerberus or Reaper troops trying to get in the gates. We can just stand above them and mow them down.” He ordered a beer and some food. “You would have been like a little kid on Christmas morning. Someone donated three dozen massive rail guns that we mounted on either side of the gates at each bunker. They're awesome guns. Will take even an atlas out in a couple shots.”

“If I get a chance before we ship back out, I'll have to take a look.” Garrus took a couple of mouthfuls. “You running evac drills? There's a hell of a lot of people here to get to safety.”

“We've been running two drills a week per ward. The people have been told to have kits packed, the shelters are stocked to the roofs with provisions. We won't be able to save them all, but we're sure going to give it a shot.” Lance grinned wide and shook his head. “It's good to see you, rookie.” He gave Shepard a teasing wink. “The stories I could tell you about this guy ...”

Garrus cleared his throat. “That won't be necessary.”

Shepard raised a hand. “Now Garrus, don't be hasty.” She gave Ridgefield a wink. “Do tell.” She slid her hand over Garrus's thigh and leaned in against his side.

Garrus chuckled and wrapped his arm around her. “You just want ammunition.”

She grinned. “Absolutely, so Lance, make it a really good one.”

The man returned her grin with a wicked laugh. “His first week on the job, we got a call to look into a domestic disturbance in the lower market. The couple were salarians I knew all too well. We were always being called in to break up their wrestling matches. Before I could bring him up to speed, however, Mr. Eager-for-action, Saviour-of-the-helpless and Righter-of-wrongs charged off.'

'I ran after him, trying to get him to listen to me, but Garrus just waded in and grabbed the male. He put him down hard and was trying to cuff him when the female jumped him and tossed him over the counter of one of the kiosks. Rookie bounced off the shelves, bringing two hundred pairs of ladies undergarments down on his head.' Lance laughed and took a drink. “By the time I got there, two other CSec officers and a krogan were wrestling with the woman, trying to peel her off my rookie.”

“Apparently, she was the only one allowed to throw her mate around,” Garrus added.

Shepard laughed. “Please tell me she was STG.”

“Retired Spectre, actually. Rookie learned an important lesson that day.”

“Yeah, take the females down first, because they're all nuts.”

Shepard laughed and nodded. “So very true. You don't mess with our men. Only we can do that.” She relaxed into Garrus's side and sipped her float as their conversation moved from the war to old cases and back again.

“It's been good to see you,” Garrus said as the time crept toward their date in the arena, “but we have to do a round in the Armax arena for the Help a Dream foundation.”

Ridgefield grinned. “I heard something about Shepard doing that. I'll have to go by and watch. Ever since she broke the scoreboard over there, people pack the place every day hoping she'll come in. If word gets out that the Normandy is actually docked, you can't even get to the door.”

Shepard gave Garrus a gentle push. “Let me out, I need to visit the ladies room before we go.” She slid out of the seat and held a hand out to Ridgefield. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Lance.”

“And you Jane.”

She smiled and gave his hand a squeeze. “Take care of yourself out there.”

The CSec officer nodded. “You too.”

As Shepard walked away, she heard Ridgefield say, “Wait... your girlfriend's name is Jane? She's wearing an N7 sweatshirt, isn't she? Oh god, please tell me that I didn't just spend the last hour talking my yap off, completely oblivious to the fact that your girlfriend is Jane Shepard.”

Garrus laughed. “I wish I could.”

“Holy christ. Now I feel like a moron.”

“Don't. She hates being recognized everywhere she goes.”

“I thought she'd be taller, and meaner looking—she's always so stern and formidable when they show interviews, like she's a second and a half from punching someone—but she's adorable. How the hell did you ...”

Their conversation was cut off by the ladies room door closing behind her.

“Adorable?” Shepard grumbled then sighed.

Garrus met her at the ladies room door. Once outside, he wrapped his arm around her, blocking the crowd to manoeuvre her through. She loved that protective instinct in him; it knew no bounds.

Traynor and Steve met them at the doors by the ticket counters. Traynor looked as though she was working very hard not to throw up.

“I'm fine,” she said as soon as Shepard looked at her. “I'm ready. Well, as ready as I can be considering that I barely passed my firearms qualifications last time.” She wrung her hands.

Shepard nodded toward the stairs. “Come on, Specialist. It'll be fine. It's just a game of chess with pieces that fire back.”

Steve laughed. “It's all just holograms, Traynor. Nothing can hurt you in there, not really. If you get knocked out, it just stuns you.”

“Stings a bit,” Garrus grumbled.

“It wouldn't if you used cover instead of hot dogging,” Shepard replied.

“Of course, because you never just wade down the center, firing from the hip.” He bumped her, leaned over and kissed her cheek, then let her go. “I'll see you in there.” He waved for Cortez to join him and headed down the stairs.

“Jane!”

Shepard turned toward the sound of Ridgefield's voice, grateful that he'd just used her first name. The place was packed, and she didn't need a mob scene. She smiled. “Hey Lance, come to watch the matches?”

He nodded. “They're taking donations for that foundation you're sponsoring, so I thought I'd come by and help out.” He shifted from foot to foot, looking awkward. “Look, I'm sorry that I didn't know who you were.”

Shepard shook her head and reached out to pat his shoulder. “Don't be. That was the best dinner I've had in a long time. Once someone recognizes me somewhere, my nice quiet evenings generally go straight down the drain.”

He nodded. “Fair enough. Good luck out there.”

She grinned and gave him a wink. “To quote a friend: I don't need luck, I've got ammo. Take care.”

Traynor stepped up next to her as she headed to the stairs.

“You ready, Traynor?”

“Not in the slightest, Commander.”

Shepard patted the specialist's back. “Just think of it like a game of chess. You know, where the pawns will flank you and shoot you in the back, and the queen floats around shooting balls of biotic energy at you.”

The woman turned a shade of pale green. “I'm not sure that's helping.”

Shepard stopped at the computer at the bottom of the stairs to program in the match, making it for a squad of four against Super Elite Reapers in the Blasteroid arena, her favourite. “Oh and if you let her within arms range, she'll stick foot long fingernails like knives straight through you.”

“I'm definitely going to throw up.”

Shepard put an arm around her shoulders. “I'm just teasing you. You'll be fine. Stick with me, stay behind cover and have fun with it. Besides, I'm giving you my Phantom armour. It's damned sexy stuff, so afterwards, you're going to get hit on. It's guaranteed. A little something to look forward to.”

She helped Traynor into the armour, then stood back and gave a nod of approval. “You look good.”

“I look like I should be trying to assassinate the Council,” Traynor laughed. “Does it come with the sword?”

“Sorry, no sword.” Shepard handed her a pistol and a Locust. “Are you familiar with the Locust?”

Traynor shook her head.

“It's a nice gun to use. Not a lot of kick, and I put the stabilizer mod on it for you. It's also got a piercing mod on it, so you can shoot enemies right through most thin cover.” Shepard showed her how to use the gun, then suited up herself, sticking her newly acquired M11 pistol on her hip and her Mattock between her shoulder blades.

“You ready?”

“As I'm ever going to be.”

Shepard chuckled and led the way out to where Garrus and Steve were waiting.

“Oh god,” Samantha groaned, looking up. “There's so many people.”

“Don't worry,” Steve answered. “They don't even realize there are three other people here.”

Garrus laughed.

“Come on,” Shepard said as the countdown began, moving her team to cover in line of sight of the first spawning location. “Let's kick some holo-Reaper ass for a little girl.”

The announcer and countdown faded away as Shepard ducked behind cover and cued up her drone, ready to launch it once she had a target.

“I'm really going to throw up inside this helmet,” Traynor squawked.

Shepard patted her back. “Welcome to my world, Sam.”

“No offence, Commander, but I don't want to be you.”

Shepard laughed and launched her drone, opening fire on the first wave. “I get that a lot.” Her world narrowed down to the familiar rhythm, ebb and flow of battle. She kept her eye on Traynor for the first few seconds, then relaxed.

Issuing a constant litany of high-pitched, inventive curses, the specialist mowed down anything that came her way, and by the time they were halfway through their second wave, Shepard could tell that Traynor was having fun.

“I have to do this more often,” Samantha crowed as they finished off the last Banshee.

“You're a dead eye,” Shepard said, pulling off her helmet. She looked up at the scoreboard. They'd maxed out the score.

“Thanks for inviting me, Shepard.” Traynor removed her helmet and lifted a hand to wave to the cheering crowd above.

“Thanks for coming along.” Shepard walked over and bumped Steve with her shoulder. “Good shooting there, Tex.”

He laughed. “Yeah, thanks. It was fun.” He gave her a brief, one-armed hug.

“Meet you upstairs for a drink,” she called, heading toward the ladies locker room. Just before heading in the door, she slipped her hand into Garrus's, squeezing his fingers.

Despite the crowd of women wanting to speak to her in the locker room, Shepard managed to get herself showered and changed back into civilian gear without too much delay. Samantha revisited the entire match shot by shot throughout, still going as they climbed the stairs up to the concession.

“Oh my God,” the specialist exclaimed. “I'm still shaking all over. I can't believe how scary and fun that was. I haven't shot a gun since my re-certification last year. The Locust is wonderful to shoot. I thought the SMG would be hard to control, but it's really solid in the hand.”

Shepard just grinned and nodded, gently guiding the comm specialist up the stairs.

“I can't believe how close that Banshee got. I was nearly wetting myself, and it was just a hologram. I can't imagine what it's like to face a real one. I'd probably have a heart attack. At least with the Brutes ...”

“Has she been doing that the whole time?” Garrus asked, stepping up beside Shepard at the top of the stairs.

“She's still running on adrenaline. Give her fifteen minutes, and she'll be asleep somewhere.”

He nodded and slipped his arm around her. “A quick drink here? There's somewhere I want to take you.”

Shepard smiled and put her arm around his waist. “Sure. I don't get to see you in civvies often enough. It'll give me time to admire the view.”

“Commander Shepard?”

Shepard turned toward the little voice, it's timid query nearly lost in the noise of the crowd. A small asari in a hoverchair floated a few feet away. “Hi there.” She walked over and crouched next to the chair. “Are you Lati?”

The little girl grinned and nodded. “You were amazing tonight.” She looked up at Garrus. “All of you.”

“Thank you, sweetie. I'm just glad we didn't get our butts kicked on your big night.” She took the child's hand. “I know that coming back from something like you've been through can be hard, but you can't give up on your dreams just because they're hard and might not happen. You've got to hang onto them that much harder and fight like heck to make them come true.”

The child gave Shepard a shy smile. “You're Commander Shepard, you can do anything.” She shook her head like she was sure she was being lied to. “What dreams could you have that you'd be afraid wouldn't come true?”

Sighing, Shepard leaned in closer. “Sometimes the thing that stands between us and our dreams is physical, like you learning to walk again. Sometimes though, the problem is in our heads or our hearts. Everyone, no matter who, has to fight against something to make their dream happen.”

Sobering, Lati tilted her head off to the side a little. “What dream do you have that you're afraid won't come true?”

After a moment's hesitation, Shepard leaned in and whispered into the child's ear, not wanting to broadcast it. She leaned back. “Can that be a secret between us?”

Giving a nod, the little girl grinned wide. “That's really your dream?”

“It really is, and I'll keep working on it if you promise to keep working on yours, okay?”

“It's a deal, Commander.”

Lati's mother stepped forward and held out her hand. “Thank you, Commander Shepard. We really appreciate everything. We won't take up any more of your time.”

“It was my pleasure.”

“Would you mind if we got a picture of the two of you together?” She smiled, the wide, joyful smile of a parent delighting in seeing her child happy.

Shepard posed on one side of the chair, her arm around the child's shoulders. She smiled at the camera, and then Lati reached out a hand toward Garrus. “Just a second Mama, I want Officer Vakarian in the picture too.”

Shepard grinned at Garrus's obvious surprise, but he walked over and took the child's hand, allowing her to draw him into a hug, then took a place on the other side of the chair. Lati took their hands in hers, holding them in her lap. Once the picture was taken, she hugged them both again, pulling Jane down close to whisper in her ear.

“I know your dream will come true, Commander Shepard. I know it.”

Hugging the child back, Shepard kissed her cheek. “Thank you, sweetie, and I have a really good feeling about yours too.”

Lati's mother gave Shepard a shy hug. “Thank you again, Commander. This has meant so much to her ... to both of us.”

“Good luck.” Shepard watched them, giving Lati a little wave just before they went down the stairs to the exit.

“What did you tell her?” Garrus asked, slipping his arm around her.

She gave him a soft smile and leaned in close to his ear as he led her to where Traynor and Cortez were waiting. “One day, if you're really, really lucky, I'll answer that question.” She pressed her lips against his cheekbone.

“Commander ... Garrus ...” Steve passed them each a drink as they stepped up to the table. “Here's to making a little girl smile.” He held up his glass.

“Here. Here,” Traynor replied, clinking hers to his. “Seeing that smile was worth nearly wetting myself and throwing up in my helmet at the same time.”

“To making little girls smile,” Shepard echoed as the four of them toasted.

“And here's to not getting foot long, knife-like fingernails stabbed through my intestines,” Traynor added.

“Always worth toasting,” Garrus said and laughed.

“Okay. Okay. My turn.” Shepard held up a finger. “Just give me a second.” She walked to the counter and bought another round, returning to hand them out. “To the only brothers and sisters in arms that I can imagine at my side for this fight.” She grinned and bumped Traynor with an elbow. “And, yes, that includes you, Samantha.”

“To us then,” Traynor said, raising her glass. “We might be a small boat filled with castaways and oddities, but hell if we aren't going to kick the Reapers arses so hard they go back in time and disappear from history.”

Shepard laughed. “Sure. Here's to what she said.” They clinked their glasses and tossed back the contents.

They drank and talked for a few moments, then Garrus slipped an arm around Shepard's waist. “I'm going to steal her away now. You two have a good evening.”

Steve grinned and nodded. “Have fun.”

“Thanks for inviting me along, Commander,” Traynor said. She gave Shepard a quick, awkward embrace. “See you back on the Normandy.”

“Take the night off, Traynor. You're on leave. Relax and enjoy yourself.” Shepard looked over at Steve. “Take this woman somewhere fun. Make her eat junk food and dance. Okay? As a favour?”

Laughing, Steve laid his hand on Traynor's shoulder. “I know just the place. Goodnight Shepard... Garrus.”

Garrus led Shepard out to the taxi stand and summoned a cab.

“Where are we going?” she asked, going around the car to get in. “Somewhere even more illegal than on top of the Presidium?”

He just shrugged. “Guess you'll see when we get there.”

Relaxing down into the seat, Shepard watched the wards pass by the windows, then the car lifted into the upper lanes, turning toward the Presidium. Wonder gripped her anew as she saw the Citadel spread out before her. No matter how many times she saw that view, it never lost its magic. Twenty minutes later, Garrus guided the car down into a part of the Presidium she'd never seen before. Office buildings towered around her on both sides of the lake, the artificial sun beating down on people of all races hurrying around with an air of desperate urgency.

Shepard stepped out of the car and looked up at a large, glass fronted building, garden balconies stretching along the front of every floor. The turian flag hung just above a large door, smaller flags, presumably those of the colonies, hanging to either side. No one went in or out the doors, bypassing it due to the sign declaring that the building was closed.

“Where are we?” she asked, moving around the car and taking a few steps toward the building.

He just tilted his head a little and reached out his hand. When she gripped it, he walked to the door, ignoring the fact that it was closed. She almost said something, but then he entered a code into a security panel and the door opened for them.

“Suddenly I feel like my boyfriend is some sort of secret agent,” she said and chuckled.

Garrus just smiled and led her inside.

The lobby was richly appointed in decidedly turian decor. Shepard found it both alien and appealing. So much of the Citadel was decorated in a racially neutral way that it was refreshing to step into a space that felt as though it possessed an identity.

“Turian Cultural Bureau,” she read on a small sign. Well, that explained the decor and art. She walked up to a large painting that depicted a battle scene, but in such a way that it felt like a ballet of colour and movement. She smiled, reaching out, wanting to touch it, but stopping before her fingers connected. No doubt, the piece was insanely valuable.

“It's by one of our most famous classical painters,” Garrus said, stepping up behind her. “Damman Larkarus.” He sighed. “I've always loved his work. He did other, less martial, paintings that I hope you see some day. He viewed the turian culture and people in a much more romantic way than most. Perhaps that is why my people revere him. His work gives them license to see life through a softer lens.”

Shepard turned to face him. “I like that, a softer lens.” Looking around her at the dark taupe walls with deep emerald and stone trim, she smiled. “I like it here. It feels very solid. Beautiful in a strong, enduring way.”

He walked over to a sculpture consisting of two twisted pieces of very aged metal that, despite their abstract nature, was obviously two bodies locked in struggle. Garrus cocked his head a little as he looked at it. “Don't get me wrong, we love that we're a martial culture. Battle, honour, loyalty, service, sacrifice... its our blood and bone, but sometimes we forget about our souls. We focus on duty to our people and miss that our most important duty is to the people we love. It's all meaningless without that base. What are we fighting for? Chunks of rock?” He turned a little to look into her eyes. “Or to give everyone the chance to feel ... this?”

Shepard nodded, just watching him, sensing that the weight she'd felt hanging over him since his father's comm was coming to a head. He'd heard since that they'd made it off Palaven, but it hadn't eased whatever burden he carried.

“I told you that I wanted to paint when I was younger?” He wandered along the walls, looking at the paintings like old friends. “I once had a chance to turn my life down a path I wanted for myself, but my father didn't approve. He'd always said that supported me, but when I wanted to do something that he hadn't expected and didn't approve of, that support disappeared. Or at least I thought it had.”

A painting drew Shepard toward the opposite end of the room. It depicted two turian children hugging one another as they crouched behind cover. A massive, faceless, raceless army passed by the other side of their shelter, nothing but glinting weapons and malice. It filled her with a strange, superstitious fear, as if the painter had glimpsed into his or her future and saw the Reapers there.

“I used to come here nearly every day,” Garrus said, standing at her side, his hand reaching up to rest on her shoulder. “I loved the peace and quiet. This building houses the largest collection of fine art away from Palaven.”

“Come on.” He took her hand and led her to a curved staircase. At the top, a corridor stretched before them, the walls lined with art that Shepard longed to admire, but Garrus moved her past them to a door at the end. He entered another code and they waited for a minute or so before the door opened.

Garrus gestured for Shepard to precede him onto the hologrid, and she stepped from the corridor into a field of tall grass. Smiling, she reached out to brush her fingers over the purple tassells that crowned each plant. “It's beautiful. I love the way the wind makes the grass look like purple-silver waves.”

Garrus walked in, the door closing behind him and disappearing into the holographic illusion.

He wrapped his arm around her waist and led her further into the room, stopping at the edge of a steep cliff. She gasped at the sheer beauty, the juxtaposition of the brilliant, blue-green river flowing across the valley and the vast metropolis that spilled through a break in the escarpment to crash upon its bank.

“This is amazing,” she whispered, pressing herself against his side. “Palaven?”

He nodded and pointed toward the city. “That's the city where I was born. A house on the end of the fourth tier up that cliff.. When I was much younger, I used to climb up here nearly every day.” His finger swung toward a break in the grass a few meters to Shepard's left. “There's a trail just over there that leads down the face of the escarpment.” Releasing her, he stepped closer to the edge, staring out.

“I can see why you'd come here. It's beautiful.” Huge, steel blue boulders stuck out of the grassland here and there where a glacier had dropped them on its way through. As Shepard took everything in, she noticed a herd of grazing animals moving along the far side of the valley. They were too far away to make out any features other than a grey-brown field of movement. Birds or their analogs, circled above in long, slow arcs, wings held out to catch the thermals.

Garrus let out a long breath. “I spent most of my life furious with my father for not being there for us. His job always seemed so much more important than we were, and I hated him for that nearly as much as I loved him. Still, I followed him into C-Sec.” He shook his head and cursed. “Half my time was spent seeking his approval, the other half ...” He turned away from the edge to face her. “I was so busy trying to not be my father that I made all his mistakes. I abandoned my mother and sister as surely as he had.”

Shepard called him over with a small jerk of her head and held out her hand. When he took it, she sat, pulling him down with her so that their knees touched. She caressed his hand with her thumb, leaving the silence between them to encourage him as he wished.

“I called Solana before we went through the Omega IV Relay.” He took her other hand. “My mother had been ill for a while. A neurological syndrome. Sol was left looking after her. She was pissed when I called, and I couldn't blame her. I just left her trying to deal with Mom's illness and Dad. I managed to get Mom into an experimental treatment study, but it was too late. She passed just after I returned to Palaven.”

Shepard squeezed his hand.

He looked at her, his brow plates and mandibles lowering in a scowl, his eyes sad. “I need to do better by them, Shepard. I hope I get the chance. I look back on who I was even three years ago, and I see why my father refused to give me the respect and approval that I demanded. I hadn't done anything to earn either. I wasn't anyone to be respected.”

“What about your mother? Were you close?” she asked softly.

Garrus stared down at their joined hands. “When I was a boy. As the years passed, I became more resentful and angry. She always made excuses for my father. Now I know that she just loved him not in spite of who he was, but because of who he was, shortcomings and all.” He looked up. “Mom did the best she could, and she didn't deserve a son who demanded that she choose constantly, resenting her when she couldn't.” He shifted, pulling her into his arms.

Shepard turned and pressed in against him, laying her head in the angle between his shoulder and carapace.

“Solana worked hard to be everything a turian should be. She's so smart and so tough. She sailed through her military service, could have been a general some day if that was what she wanted. She was leaning toward the private sector, but then Mom got sick, and Dad was still working on the Citadel, so she put her life on hold to look after the family.” He cursed.

“Beating yourself up won't make the past any different, Garrus. When you get a chance to do better, do better. Be there for them now.” She sighed. “Did you get to see your Mom when you were back?”

“Yes. I'm not sure she even knew I was there, but it gave me a chance to tell her a lot of things I needed to.”

“They got off planet, Garrus. We'll find them and make sure you have the chance to be the son and brother you want to be. We will.” She turned and kissed him. “You mom loved your dad because of who he was, but you know the same applied to you. And now, I can't imagine any mother could wish for her son to become a better man.”

Sighing, she rested her forehead against his jaw. “You might have been angry, you might have been rebellious, but even back when I met you, you had outstanding qualities.” She brushed her lips against his skin, sighing softly, savouring the rough warmth of him. “Don't be too hard on the old Garrus. He always had my friendship, admiration and respect. And you know I don't give those things away for free.”

He gently pushed her back until she was laying on the thick carpet of grass, and leaned over her, exploring her face and neck with gentle talons, his eyes locked on hers. She reached up, taking his face between her hands, her thumbs brushing along his cheekbones.

“Some day, I'm going to lay you down in the grass in this very spot on Palaven and make love to you with the moons high overhead, the wind tickling the grass against your skin.” He kissed her softly.

“Mmmm.” She returned his kiss. “Thank you for bringing me here, Garrus.”

He covered her face and neck in soft but passionate kisses. “Promise me something, Shepard,” he whispered, his face turned into her neck. “We finish this thing together, right to the end.”

“Right to the end.”


End file.
